In this monologue, Shawna Lynne (presenting as Shawna Lynne Delulu Today) shares a raw, first‑person account of living with ADHD and dyslexia while navigating chronic decision‑making uncertainty. She describes a lifelong pattern of resistance to commitment, rooted in limiting core beliefs formed by a judgmental family environment, and how that resistance manifests as financial irresponsibility, relationship strain, and a feeling of being stuck in an unfulfilling living situation. Drawing on her therapist education and research background, she outlines therapeutic modalities—EMDR, CBT, mindfulness, breathwork, grounding exercises—and emphasizes the importance of repeatedly practicing them despite skepticism. Shawna reframes her narrative by changing her vocabulary (e.g., “choice” instead of “resistance”), acknowledging her neurodivergent brain’s tendency toward frenetic momentum, and committing to a new life direction: traveling, working online as a life‑strategist, and helping others uncover and transform their negative core beliefs. She also details concrete goals (e.g., earning $200k, 30‑hour work week, 20‑hour client work) and invites listeners to join her journey of self‑discovery, positivity, and empowerment.
Chapters
Hey, Shawna Lynn here. Step in with me, we're going on a journey. Are you ready for change? Do you want something different? Are you stuck? Do you not know where to do, how to trust your judgment? Are you looking for a man or a woman? Are you looking for something, and right now I can't find it. How about you? There's so much at my fingertips, and with my ADHD brain, my dyslexic thinking, my passion for mental health, I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere. It's quite amazing, you know. If I start mind mapping my own life, It's— I have everything and nothing at the same time. I have so much opportunity and so much fear. Risk is hard. Even after you've done it over and over, your body's used to it. I'm like, okay, but my mind is going in different directions this time. So if you decide to do something drastic for change or actually take a first step and make a commitment— so that's a word that I have resistance with. Oh, that's the key to today, resistance. Here we go. That's what I need to work on. That— change the vocabulary. This is what I'm doing. I'm reflecting and turning my mind to positivity Every time it chooses negativity. I know it's exhausting. I get it. When people see me talking about the same thing over and over, which I do, and I ask a lot of opinions, the decisions I'm making are really big ones, and I have no idea if they're right or wrong. I'm only trusting my intuition. And can I trust my intuition? From the stories of the people around me. My ADHD is I'm irresponsible with money. Yeah, definitely. I also know how to have a lot of fun, and I'm pretty happy. So am I happy because I spent the money for activity that gave me stories other than despair and negativity? The life put in front of me was not a good one. Every day was decision-making at the nth degree, and it was challenging every day. You know that like, I'm tired, I don't want to do it feeling? I never was allowed to say that. If I stopped doing what I was doing, if I stopped the momentum, I was falling down. There was no choice in my ability to make decisions. I was the only responsible adult in my family. That is resistance. Why would I listen to anyone? When every time something went wrong, I did the repair. My family fought a lot and were judgy and angry at each other, and I brought in peace every time. I had to pull everyone back in to talk again over and over. And the hours I spent doing that, were they worth it? I am making another big decision. I am very unhappy once again. The condo I chose is suffocating. It is not gratifying, which is what I would want it to be. I set it up with all my favorite things. It has everything I need to exercise and mental health and work. And it is doing nothing for my nervous system. It's not a place that makes me happy. So then do you do something about it? I've been sitting on that feeling for 2 months, just sitting and waiting and waiting and sitting and sitting and waiting and waiting and sitting. 2 of my favorite things. And if you knew me before, you will watch this one of these days. My energy was frenetic. I was moving every day, all the time. It was called momentum. There was no choice for me. If I stopped doing the momentum, if I stopped for a moment, if I stopped and thought about how unhappy I was, why would I get up the next day? What would keep me going if I didn't find something That I could look forward to. What would have kept me going every day in the same house with a man who was not committed to the family he chose, to a family that continually pushed against me even though I was pushing against the world? I did the impossible with everyone pushing against me. If I asked for help really loudly and said exactly what I need, someone might help me. But they had to trust that my ideas and what I was doing would work, and they were always unique. And it's like they get less trusting, like I haven't been successful. They think I'm not successful. They're all worried about me. Well, granted, they should be, but not worried in the Are you going to be okay? Worried is, how long is it going to take her to find her next thing? What does she need to do to get there? You can worry about my journey. It's going to be a big risky one. I am doing something I've never done before and I am terrified. And guess what? I've been here before, terrified. This is why I am Here in this moment, confused and redesigning, breaking down and rebuilding, creating, cultivating. Whatever I am doing, it has a meaning. So let's break down the meaning. Commitment. So right now in my body, if you do any therapy or if you don't, Here is what's going on. Here is what I'm working through. Maybe you need to work through these too. These are the things that keep us stuck. From my therapist education, science background, research, this is the pattern of behavior I am doing. It is called limiting belief. It is— give me a second. Let me find the— oh, of course. Thanks for your patience. Remember ADHD? If I leave it, I'm never coming back to it, and I'm not getting there. Okay, so there are grounding exercises, science, EMDR, CBT, mindfulness, meditation, grounding. Breathwork, any spirituality has been scientifically proven to work and calm your nervous system. You know that. You can say it doesn't do it for me. You can tell me I tried it, it doesn't work. Try it again and again and again and again. I promise you it works. If anybody has struggled sitting still, I think anyone who knows me would say that would be me. My body is full of movement every day, consistently, over and over. My energy is shifting. Because I am changing. I do not like the life that I have right now. Whatever choices I made for those times, I made them based on the story in front of me. That is reality. I'm gonna put that word down. Reality is that was my life. It was that. I did it. I survived it. I made it through it. I thrived in it. It took all my soul. It took my personality. It ate me. It left me empty. I am no longer whole. I am empty. I was emptier. I am full. Let me rephrase that. Let me go back and start again. Take a second. Hold on. Before we go into the place where you think that this is anything victim, my name is Shawna Lynn. I just chose that name. I let go of both my last names because the people they are attached to are mean and angry and not nice to me. One of them gave me a name and didn't really take care of me. That hurts that they They are still pushing against me, and yet I am magical, and my dad seems to hate me. I tell him I want to do something and I'm proud, and he tells me I'm a loser. That is not really the message I want in my body. So let's go back to once again. Here we go. I am Shawna Lynne. I am starting again. This has been A year of self-discovery. I am turning 53, and I have four more months ahead of me to decide who I want to be. I have decided as Shauna Lynn, I am going traveling. I will work online as a life strategist. If there is something you would like to work on, one of these things I am talking about, I am here to work through it with you. It needs a good chunk of time. It is not a Something quick and easy, but it's also not deep about your past. It is limiting core beliefs. I don't want to know the stories. I've heard enough. I have my own. These are the patterns of belief that form our reality. We need to look at the inner critic. How do you talk to yourself? In the past, I talked to myself angry, ugly. It was not nice, but it came from the people around me. They fed me that message. No more. The only brain I'm looking at is mine, and I like it. So then there's the resistance. Well, I am resistant to all their advice. Is that a negative or a positive? Let's think about that for a second. I ask for help, they shame me. I ask for help, they tell me all the things I didn't do well. I ask for help and they do not appreciate that I put $172,000 into therapy for them so that we could sit and have a conversation that isn't negative and judgy. They put so much judgment in my head. They followed no rules but they cared so much and judged others. It was quite interesting. And I have my dad's strength and anger and bitchiness and my mother's enabler, compassionate, um, insecure. And they compete all the time. And my parents did not like the other person's personality in me. Nobody in my family likes me. That is the reality, and I find that really interesting considering I like all of them and I consistently reflect how wonderful they are and give them compliments, and they give me back shit. Really, that's how I feel, and that is not the feeling I want to have. That is judgy, and that is not good for my— That's not good for you. Personality or my identity to have that. So what do I do instead? What do you do when you feel good all by yourself? Like, I did the work, I'm educated, I've tried relationships, I wasn't healthy enough to be in them. I raised my kids, I had no idea what I was doing. They're okay. If they could be better, great. Let's get them there. They can do it themselves, ask for help. I don't know. They're adults. They'll figure it out. We all do. I believe that they're strong and powerful and they can do anything. Why wouldn't they? I raised them to be that. And anyone who knows me knows I'm resilient and positive, and yet they hate me. So I'm really trying to understand here what I'm supposed to do. It's quite amazing to feel this extreme. I really like me, and when I go out and find people who are within my energy, they like me too. People tell me they like me all the time, and then at one point they they hate me, or they get angry at me, or they yell at me. For whatever reason, they throw all this negativity at me, and I stay positive. I don't get mad at them. You want to be angry and negative? Go for it. Like yesterday, my mother dumped a whole bunch of, I don't think you did a good job on your life, on me. And I'm like, okay. Great. Thanks for your opinion. What would you like me to do now? I don't feel any better or worse. You don't think I know I made all those mistakes? I was the one doing them. I also know where they came from because I know mental health and learning for the last 30 years of how to stay positive when your parents have no positivity in them. They are a bundle of negativity, and I am positivity. How do I exist? It took so much energy, and yet I did it. And when I did it, I got this beautiful thing called negative core beliefs. This is science, everybody. This is not me. In 2010, Kiesling wrote a whole document that says Common negative and positive cognition beliefs. The stronger and more entrenched the negative conditioning, the earlier its onset, the harder it is. And my parents did not like me from the minute I was born. I was too much for them and I pushed the limits and they just wanted me to be quiet and sit in it. And I said, no way. This energy, this spirit was brought to earth for a reason of positivity. Why was I gifted this if I wasn't going to use it? This is easy for me. This happens at 5:30 in the morning. Why, you ask? Are you curious? Do you hate me now or envious, or do you want to try it? It's because I do not let the negativity of the people around me integrate. I am not taking on their shit. Why are they so angry? I am turning 53. I have enough funds that I feel like I'm safe. I need to make a lot more money if I want to ever stop working, but which I probably won't. So I would like to find a job. That I make $200,000. I work 30 hours a week. I have 10 hours a week to write. That's 40. And another 10 hours to play. I'd like to share that with positive people. I'd like to have these conversations in those 20 hours, big ones, uncovering your negative core beliefs. Survival and existence, control, responsibility, worthiness, competency, and vulnerability. These 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6— these things take you down. And when this happens, you're fucked, period. You are making bad decisions from all of these. I had all of these in me. I'm a— I'm not even going to read them to you. They were all inside of me. My family, the teachers, everyone, the doctors who didn't believe me. Everybody around me had negative core beliefs, and I was the only one with adaptive language to be positive. They chose negativity, and I chose positivity, and I will not apologize for it one more day. Yes, I am happy. A minute at a time, right now, feeling good. I'm cleaning up my paperwork. I love organizing and putting things away, and I can't believe it keeps getting smaller. Well, I got to get rid of all of this, all of this. My whole life I have to let go of— not have to, changing vocabulary. Choice. My word is choice. I will be back, don't you worry. We will keep having this conversation. It is ongoing. If you want to come with me on this journey and you want to try something different Come on, really, with what's going around, you trust anything? No more resistance. Let's do it.
