EP 63 - People-Pleasing Is Costing You Everything! Here’s How to Finally Break Free

What if I told you the very person you're trying to please so much is holding you back from your greatest potential? Stay with me because I'm about to show you how people pleasing is costing you everything. If you're ready, let's begin. Are you ready to shine? Come on, it's the shiny one. You got this. My dear shiny mind, you who's watching, may I invite you to hit that subscribe button? This way, you and I are going to become partners in shine and elevate the consciousness in the world. Thank you so much in advance, and I'll see you inside. Welcome to the Shiny Minds Show with Dr. Shiny. I am Dr. Shiny Burcu Insal, the founder and the CEO of the Academy of Neuroshine Technology, the creator of Neuroshine Technology, and I am an ICF Master Certified Coach and a coach educator with an award from the International Coaching Federation as a distinguished coach educator. Today I want to talk to you about psychology, specifically the psychology about people pleasing. It is everywhere, including right here. I've had my own childhood story with my own father where I realized that I actually had the patterns of people pleasing later in life, and it cost me so much without me becoming aware of it. After years and years and years of working with myself, working within myself, and then working with other people, thousands of people from all over the world, including 56 countries as of today, I noticed patterns as I was teaching Neuroshine technology, neuro-linguistic programming, and coaching skills to all my students. In my in-person and online cohorts, I realized something. I'm not the only one having this pattern of people pleasing. What a concept, right? We all have that. Some of us do have this recovering people pleaser persona that we learned in our childhood. Something happened with our mommy or daddy or a caregiver, whoever was giving us love, giving us the protection. We were being programmed. By their existence and presence. And because of human psychology, we were in need of love. And perhaps love was taken away from us at some point. And in order to receive that endless, boundless love, we had to do things certainly at a super young age. We had to learn to do things in a different way so that we would receive love and then we would feel at peace within ourselves, in our nervous system. And because of this, we created this pattern of people pleasing. Tony Robbins has this incredible question for anyone. If you haven't been to any of his seminars yet, he asks you this question: whose love did you crave the most, like when you were a little, little one? And then the second question is, what did you have to do in order to receive that love? That's it. That's the basic mechanics of people people pleasing and also the attachment theory in psychology. I spent years trying to understand the attachment styles. There are 4 attachment styles I shared in some, some of my other videos, and then I'm going to drop a link here so that you can also watch that video to make the connection. Because attachment style is the root of everything when it comes to people pleasing. People pleasing is a symptom. The source of it is the attachment style and the mechanics behind that anxious attachment style, which is the corresponding attachment style to the people-pleasing patterns. The root of it all is that we were programmed at a super young age in order to receive love and in order to survive. We needed to do whatever we were told to do, we were programmed to do, so that we would receive love and then we would survive. In that environment. I know there is this like moment of compassion, right? I so feel for my younger self right now. All she needed was love. She didn't know what she was doing. She was being programmed. And I really felt like I, I did my best. I really did. Little did I know I was programming myself to have these patterns of people pleasing. And good thing, that's a very good thing that happened, that I realized I had the pattern. In time, life shows you your own patterns. And if you really want to work on yourself, if you want to master your inner world, you're going to have to face your truth with brutal honesty, with nothing holding back. I believe I was more than 32 years old when I kind of realized I had this people-pleasing patterns, not at a depth that I would really like face everything. Obviously doing what I am doing and then being in the personal and professional development world, I had to face it again and again over the years. I had to face it in my relationships, in my friendships, in my personal romantic relationships. In my relationships with people that I work with, my clients and my students. And next thing you know, I had to say this literally, like, you know, people go to AA meetings, like alcoholics, and then they start with, you know what, I'm an alcoholic, and then I am a recovering alcoholic type of a thing. So you admit it, you face it. So it doesn't own you anymore. It doesn't control you anymore. So I had to literally face this. You know what? I am a recovering people pleaser. That is the truth. I've, I've had this pattern all my life, and I am now seeing it everywhere clearly. I'm ready to face it. So when I was able to say that, when I owned it, it didn't have power over me anymore. I had power over it. And then I told myself, what am I willing to do about it? It took years. I'm 47 right now, and as of now, I have 100% clarity about my people-pleasing patterns. And do I always catch myself? I will tell you with brutal honesty, not really. I'm aware. And sometimes my awareness kicks in after the fact that I have done something to please somebody. I'll give you an example. You know how you have these conversations with people? Sometimes you are just forming a new relationship. Sometimes you have a conversation. With a colleague, or you are discussing a business idea with someone in your industry. In those situations, you have these conversations, or you meet a new person you want to see if you can be friends or if you can hang out and do some activities that you enjoy doing. In those conversations, you know how people tell you, you know what, this is what I'm working on. Perhaps we can have a meeting and we can discuss if that is something that we can work on it together, right? Like very, very, like, in the moment, very sincere, genuine invitation or inquiry. So my unconscious pattern that I catch myself later sometimes is that I say, oh sure, of course, and then right after I say it, I go, oh gosh, why did I say that? I'm not interested. I am not interested in this person's whatever. I'm actually not interested even like having another moment with them. You know, we just don't vibe. This is, this is not a good frequency, but I say it, still say it. You know what I mean? So that is a very good moment for you to realize that unconscious automated programs are still at place. And what happens after you realize that? Whatever. What happens after I realize that? Well, I I don't need to do anything in the moment. When the meeting happens, if the other person follows up and then if the meeting happens, then I know I have seen my pattern and now it is time to own it. And so I own it. I go to the meeting and then I say, listen, I know I told you that I would be totally open to hearing what it is. To be brutally honest, here is my priority. I am working on this and that. I am only interested in this and that type of projects right now. If it is not what you're working on, I totally understand and appreciate. And if that is not something that we are going to discuss, well, let's just save our time, you know, from both of us. And so you don't have to waste anyone's time and you just respectfully tell them. And of course, this meeting is not in person, right? I'm talking about like online meetings. Like, I wouldn't even go in person to meet this person if I am not really interested in developing ideas. And that is the part that needs to be calculated when you know what your patterns are costing you. And another example is when people pleasing becomes more important than your own alignment is you literally forget what's important for you. It's not a conscious thing. It's unconscious. And it just happens. It's just in the moment. And you forget about how important alignment is to you. And then this other, almost like an approval, takes over. And because of that, I want to talk to you Whoever is listening to me or watching me right now, if you have a tendency to people-please, it might also be a sign of unconscious control. Yes, you heard me right, because it is rooted in so deep in your nervous system. And if you have not worked on it, if you are not facing it, looking at it, and then owning it and asking yourself, why do I do this? What is the benefit of me pleasing someone and being hypervigilant about getting their approval before mine? Like, what is it? What is it about? If you never ask that question to yourself, if you never go to the bottom of it, how are you ever going to meet your truth? How? You're going to live in constant denial. You are going to keep escaping. The brutal truth, it's gonna haunt you for a lifetime. It doesn't matter. I'm telling you, like, I was aware of it when I was 32 or 33 something. I am 47. I am fully aware of it, and I still catch sometimes after the fact, and then I do something about it. So what I have done so far, I cut a lot of people from my life. I already live in a total totally different reality, a totally different world, part of the world. And like my childhood friends, my high school friends, my college friends, my university, and my first working life friends, and then the friends, the colleagues, and then friends in LA and friends. And like, I've had so many different lives in only one lifetime. And at this point, As I have worked on myself, deepened my truth, I have come to a point that I'm totally okay. I am so peaceful within myself that I can totally detach from anyone and anything. Therefore, I don't have to people-please anymore. I don't need anyone's approval anymore. Finally. Do you know how important that is? Do you know how liberating to be able to say this? Like, this is inner freedom and it is priceless. I'm telling you, I cut everyone off. I don't care. I really don't. If there is no alignment, if there is no vibing, not a problem. I am not attached. And that is how you know that you are in charge. They are not in charge. Other people's opinions, other people's emotions, other people's approvals are not in charge. You must be in charge. As someone who has gone through the path, as someone who has recovered and is still recovering the remaining 10% residue, I can tell you that as a 90% recovered and still recovering people pleaser, I know how it feels. I get it. It even does something to your body. There is like a somatic effect of it. You feel it in your body because it's visceral, because it's your nervous system. That's why psychology looks at it as an attachment style issue. When you look at neuroscience, it looks at it as a neuroplasticity issue. There is something called synaptic pruning. If you are unable to let go of the inefficient neurons in your brain, they are going to stop you. They're going to keep forcing you to people-please because that's the only way that you know. That's the only way your nervous system knows to survive, getting approval. Because again, go back to the root of it. What is it? The learned behavior at a very young age when you didn't even have the consciousness to filter out, oh, this is not a healthy behavior. I must never do this. You didn't say that. You weren't able to say that because you didn't have that programming. You only had the programming of I need to survive, I want love, and then I have my needs. That's all you needed, and that's why you did whatever made you survive, whatever made you love. And that's why it's so deep. Like, think of it like a very, very big dusty library, okay? You may even close your eyes to visualize. Imagine this is a very big dusty library. You're walking inside this library, and then there are levels and levels and levels of information and knowledge and programming in the books of the library. Those books are your programs, and some of them are so deep and so dusty, like under so many other thousands of books. Those thousands of books are all your programs, and then they have never been cleaned. They have never been touched. That becomes your unconscious automation. In the world of AI and automation, we have to look into our own automation. We have to face our own unconscious dirty dusty and so outdated programs. And that's what I'm talking about as your people-pleasing patterns. If you have never cleaned up that system, they're still running your beautiful brain. I don't want that for you because you're going to make decisions that are not good for you. You're going to put yourself in situations that you're going to regret. You are going to say things that are going to create consequences for you. I do not want that for you. And I also do not want that for me because I don't want to live in a world where people are pretentious, where we are wearing masks and trying to please each other, where there is a hidden truth. You actually do not like that person. You're just saying it because you are programmed. And then the authentic voice is so hidden, so buried, and it is so unspoken, and that is costing you, costing the person in front of you, and costing the world. We don't get to see you with your authentic truth. You don't get to live in alignment with your truth. Is that who you want to be? I don't think so, Mr. or Mrs. Recovering People Pleaser. Shall we face it? Shall we put an end to it? Shall we say yes to our own truth? Shall we finally admit that it has never been our truth? It was programmed into us. It was inserted into our subconscious when we didn't even have any other consciousness to filter it out. It was never our truth to begin with. And that's why I struggled over the years. I remember my younger self at the corporate world. Oh my goodness, I've had so many moments that I couldn't speak up. I really couldn't because I needed that person's approval more than I cared about my own approval. I have so much passion for my younger self. She didn't know. She didn't know. So I want to protect you. I want to help you as my younger self. So I hope you are receiving everything that I am sharing with you. As a way to stop the patterns of people pleasing and then start new patterns of pleasing yourself. Choose yourself. Let everybody go. Let them go. Let them not approve you. Let them just say whatever. Let them not like you. In the end, you're gonna like you. In the end, you're gonna choose you. And in the end, you are going to have the best relationship within yourself forever that nobody will be able to take away from you. Thank you for watching, and until next time, keep shining your light.