Getting Clear On Who You Are With Simon Benn

Hello everybody and welcome to another episode of the Thriving Adoptees Podcast. So today I'm delighted to be joined by me. You've just got me today. Uh, I thought I'd do a, a single-hander, um, episode of the podcast, uh, and I'll keep it fairly short, right? So what I wanted to talk about today is this topic of identity. Identity. So as adoptees, we often feel unsure of our identity. We feel ungrounded. We're not sure who we are. Um, we've got this voice going on and on in our heads, and we think that this, this, this voice is, uh, often— people call it the inner critic, some people call it the, um, ego, uh, some people call it, uh, the, the devil inside. That's, uh, in an INXS song, I think. Great band. Anyway, um, so here's the first thing, right? The first thing that I learned on my, uh, yeah, my— after my personal— on my personal spiritual journey, or after my midlife crisis, either. It's one of those things. Got it. So I'm going back about— when are we going back? Going back to 2009, I think, here. And I spent a fantastic week with some great people, um, led by a guy called Richard Wilkins and a lady called Elizabeth Ivory. Elizabeth Ivory. Liz Ivory. And we spent, can you believe it, a week Basically looking at the fact that we are not the voice in our heads. Like, I saw that for myself, not as an intellectual idea, not as a plausible theory, But in the guts of my soul, we are not the voice in our head, right? We're not the voice in our head. You are not the voice in your head. I am not the voice in my head. So clarity there, we are not the voice in the head. Next one. Some, some, so many of us have been living with trauma through so much of our lives. We think the trauma is us, right? We think that we are our trauma. Okay, so next question then is, what's trauma made of? And Uh, it's— for me, it's that toxic cocktail with some very, very strong feelings like anger and insecurity and fear. Those are the, the, those are the, the 3 strongest ingredients that make up a trauma cocktail for me. And, and then there's some, there's some thoughts as well, um, but that, that thought that we're, that we're not gonna— But here's the thing, trauma may be a toxic cocktail, toxic cocktail of anger, fear, and insecurity, and, um, negative thoughts. But we, you and me, we're the glass, not what's in it. We're not— we're the container that contains the thoughts and feelings. We are not the substance that's in that cocktail glass. Okay. So we're not the voice in our heads. We're not our trauma, so who are we, right? Uh, so you're listening to Simon Benn, but for a while I was David Anthony Flower until I was 5 weeks old and my mum and dad collected me from the adoption agency. I was David Anthony Flower. So, um, If, uh, if, if I've had— the truth is always true. If I've had 2 names, as I have, as many of us have, as many even non-adopted people have, they, they've, they've, um, sorry, yeah, maybe they got married. Yeah, so they changed their name when they got married, and, and they came into the world without a name. They were Baby X or Baby Brown. They didn't have their own name. So we, we're not our name, right? We're not our name. That's just something that's given to us, right, by our— firstly by our biological parents sometimes, and secondly by our adoptive parents. So we're not our name. Um, next thing I could say, well, I'm, I'm adopted. Well, we're using— I'm using that phrasal verb, I am adopted. Well, no, being adopted was something that happened to me, and we, we are not the events that happen to us. Okay. Uh, next thing, uh, I could describe myself. So, you know, I'm an adoptee. I use that word now. Yeah. Hello, Simon. Hello, I'm Simon. I'm an adoptee. Well, that's just another label. That's just another label. It's shorthand. It's a label that we give ourselves or other people give us, right? I could say I'm traumatized. By being adopted. But again, that's, uh, that's a feeling, right? We say I am traumatized, but what we're— what we're, uh, we're in, in that description, we're missing a word, and the word is feeling. So I am feeling traumatized. I have been— I have been triggered by this rejection. It's brought back um, this, this negative feeling from deep within me. And, and then it, it stays for a while, and then it goes. So it's not essential to us. It's not the essence of, of who we are. It's intermittent. Feelings are intermittent. They come and go. And what's true never changes. What's true never changes. So our feelings aren't the truth of who we are. And I could say, well, so from thought, I'm not good enough. I could describe myself as that. Well, I've felt not good enough. I've thought that I'm not good enough. So those Thoughts, they come and go in the same way as our feelings come and go. So we are not our thoughts any more than the clouds are the sky. The clouds roll in, they disappear, revealing the sky behind them. So who, who am I? Then who are we? We're, we're, we're not our, um, we're not the voice in the head, we're not the trauma, we're not our, uh, we're not our names, we're not the events that happen to us, we're not our feelings, we're not our thoughts. Who are we? Well, we're the one that is aware of all that, and the simplest metaphor that I've got for that is, is that, uh, sky metaphor. I'm not a Buddhist, but the Buddhist guys— girls use that metaphor to say that, oh, we, we are the, we are the sky, and the, the sky is not damaged by the, the, the clouds. that veil it. And I guess another metaphor comes to mind is that diamond one that I use quite a lot, right? So the diamond in the clenched fist— I hold a glass diamond in a clenched fist. Um, the, the diamond is Is hidden. It's veiled by the the fist, the clenched fist. The clenched fist is the metaphor for trauma. The clenched fist is the metaphor for trauma. But being clenched, it's not the natural position for our hand. As we open it up, it reveals the diamond that's within it. And I. I guess that diamond might have a label on it. It might have a label on it that says 2-carat diamond, I don't know, £2,000, $3,000, whatever it is. And this is where the metaphor kind of runs out, right? Because all metaphors have their limitations. And a, a, a glass diamond in, in my hand, the one I use on the— when I'm doing the webinars and the podcast, was, was £8, $9.50, something like that, right? So it has a value. But our value as human beings, as adoptees, that's infinite. That's infinite. our value is despite our feelings to the contrary. But here's the thing, right? What changes our lives is insights, sights from within. And we, we can't— there's no such thing as a secondhand insight. If I could um, make you have this infinite— place this infinite value on yourself, then I would. But I can't. You have to see it for yourself. And to do that, you have to look. My job, as I see it, is True. Try and point you to your infinite value, point you to who you are underneath the trauma that you've been through. Underneath the trauma that you feel is that perfect diamond. The, the clenched fist cannot damage the diamond that is held within it. I encourage you to See, see your self-worth for yourself despite what that voice in your head is telling you about you. That voice in the head that's telling you about you, it's got your voice, but it isn't you. You're the one that hears the voice in your head, not the one that speaks it. You weren't born with a voice in your head. You weren't born with thoughts. You weren't born understanding concepts. You were born unconditioned, perfect. And your, your spirit, your essence, your consciousness is perfect. The, the, the wound is to your sense of self. But your sense of self is not yourself. Our sense of— we call— that's why we call it— we've got a sense of ourselves, a sense of ourselves. But our sense of self is not the same as, as ourself. The, the self is that diamond that's hidden, that's veiled, that's obscured by our trauma, by our thoughts, by our feelings. And the label on the diamond that gives its value is not the diamond itself. So I hope you enjoyed that. I'd love to hear your thoughts on, on that. As always, my email address is simon@thrivingadoptees.com. I'll speak to you again very soon. Thanks a lot, listeners. Goodbye. Bye.