Learnings From A 28 Year Search With Colin Curruthers

Hello everybody, welcome to another episode of the Thriving Adoptees Podcast, and today I'm finally delighted to be joined by a fellow Brit, right? So Colin Carruthers, that is, uh, that's a pen name, right, Colin?

Yeah, yeah, it is, Simon.

Yes, yes, it is only like 60 miles from me roughly. He's on the wrong side of the Pennines. Or the right side according to him, right? He's laughing. Um, the Pennines are a, a, a, a, like a hill range that separate Yorkshire from, from, from Lancashire down the middle of the spine of the thing. And, um, I'm in Yorkshire and Colin's on the, the wrong side. But my, my mum and dad came from the right, uh, from the wrong side as well, so I can just about understand that. Lancasterian accent. Um, but yeah, we— I, I say to people, I've had more people on Hawaii, from Hawaii, than I've had from Yorkshire. Um, and I don't know about Lancashire, maybe we've had a couple, got some more coming up. But, uh, yeah, um, looking forward to this conversation on— he's such a, it's such a gentle, uh, gracious guy. So, um, we're gonna dive into some stuff. So We're going to talk a little bit about Colin's— it was— you're chasing shadows, you're trying to track down your adoptive family for like up to like 30 years. Wow.

Yes, yes, yeah. Thanks, Simon, for the invite and for the invite to be on this podcast. Much appreciated. Yeah, no, yeah. In total, it was about 28 years, something like that, as I was searching. I was told pretty early in my life that I was adopted. I'd be about 7 or 8 years of age. And from that moment on, I would occasionally think about my biological parents and what they looked like and why they decided not to keep me. And yeah, I became more inquisitive about my biological heritage in my mid-20s. I suppose that was a time of my life when I broadened my horizons. I stepped out of one world into another. I worked for many years in industry and decided to leave industry and return to education, and it just broadened my thinking, really. So yeah, the journey, 28 years. Finding some information about my biological mother was pretty easy. I accessed my birth certificate from social services and it provided details of a name and address. But for the father, it said unknown, which was a little bit of a mystery to me. So yeah, the part of that early search, unfortunately, I wasn't able to meet my birth mother as she passed away, but I did, however, have a relationship with her parents for about 5 years before they also passed away. I made several efforts in my 30s and 40s— I'm 55 now— to try and trace my biological father. after accessing my adoption file. And the adoption file provided some key information about the circumstances for me being given up by my biological mother, but it also provided details of 2 males who were interviewed at the time in relation to being my biological father. But Fast forward to the 1st of January 2020, and I made a promise to myself to try and unravel this mystery over the following 12 months. Many people make New Year's resolutions about getting fitter and drinking less and taking more exercise. But this was my equivalent to that. This was my challenge for that particular year. And somehow I managed to build up relationships with both of the males that were listed in my adoption records and undertake DNA tests with them both. The outcome wasn't as I expected, without giving too much details away. But as a final throw of the dice, I commissioned the services of a company to help me trace my biological father. So using DNA, they narrowed down the search down to 2 potential individuals. They were 2 brothers who they suspected to be my biological father. And using this information, I built up a relationship with the family and kind of brought the search to a conclusion in January 2021. So yeah, it took about 28 years in total, on and off. But the thoughts were always there at the back of my mind. And of course, when you're on a journey like this, the emotions that you experience across a search journey are varied. And I'm hoping that it made me a stronger person.

Yeah. Yeah. Just last time you talked about feeling a lot of rage. And was that with you before the search journey, or was that kind of brought on by the The dead ends that you were facing?

Yes, probably through the search journey, the anger, the upset, the bitterness, and it got triggered at different points. I suppose after retrieving my adoption file and reading that, it was so blunt and to the point You know, it was quite clear that there'd been no effort made, I mean, trying to keep me by my mother's biological family. And, you know, the information in there read that the sooner I was adopted out, the better, really. But that made me quite angry because, like I said, I'd spent some time with her parents.

Mm-hmm.

And they'd put quite a different spin on the version of events. But to read it in black and white, another version, that made me quite, yeah, quite bitter really. I think something else that made me quite cross was the costs associated with the search itself. You know, costs to pay for DNA tests, to pay for court fees. Cost to hire private investigators, to commission search companies. I was angry, not only that I had to foot the bill to try and understand my biological heritage, but also really thinking about everybody else that got to do the same thing. And I just began to question, you know, what happens if you're not able to finance a search like that? Where does that leave you? Luckily, I was able to do it, but I know that not everybody's in the same position. I think another area where, which made me quite angry was, and it was about how I was thinking about the men that were listed in the adoption file and what role they played, you know, in bringing me into the world. Particularly one of the individuals who didn't seem to take any responsibility. And when you're reading phrases in the adoption file like, I will never accept this child as mine, and the fact that he wanted to maintain his freedom, it resulted in me forming quite a strong view of that person, which wasn't really very positive. However, further in, and it was, I was on a learning curve. Further into the search journey, my emotions changed towards this individual. And then I felt empathy towards him. So, you know, the emotions were swinging from one side to another. And I had a tinge of guilt because I've been chasing him down, chasing down the wrong man for so many years. It's just a roller coaster, really, of of emotions. So yeah, the anger, the upset, bitterness kept emerging. And I think one of the things that I think is really important is that it's just about— it was that my basic human right, I felt that people weren't taking it seriously or that it wasn't important. You know, what's more important than not understanding where you come from? I couldn't get my head around that. And Yeah, it did affect that particular type of emotions. And, you know, sometimes even the court and the solicitors that I thought were there to help you, you know, I felt that I was wasting their time, and they were kind of telling me that as well. So, yeah, that was— Like I said, Sam, there was lots of different emotions along the journey, which I can go into a bit more detail if you want me to.

Well, yeah, I mean, did you get any— you're dealing with all these different people. Did you get any kind of emotional help along the journey, or was it literally just down to your missus?

I had close family around me, particularly my wife and my brother-in-law. And it was, it was kind of kept internally within the family.

Yeah.

But another emotion that seemed to go through from time to time was loneliness on the journey. Although I have my close family around me, I felt that I was alone on the journey. A strange feeling, really. You know, I was the only human being as far as I was aware, to tread this unconventional path. And I had to work through it on my own because nobody else had the answers. There was no blueprint for me, for me to follow. It was, I was kind of making this up as I was going along and just hoping for the best. So loneliness came into, into play from time to time as well. As did things like despair and hopelessness. You know, the feeling after taking each DNA test that turned out to be negative, just didn't know where to turn next. Like I said, there was no blueprint to follow. Nobody could provide advice to help me reach my goal and conclude my search. And in terms of despair and hopelessness, you know, 2 or 3 times, I did You know, I thought I was pretty strong, but I broke down on the journey. And because the challenge had just stopped too much for me at that particular moment in time. But luckily, you know, I managed to bounce back. And I was speaking to somebody recently, it could have been you, Simon, who said it isn't about developing resilience. It's about understanding how resilient you are. And I suppose this was a really good example for me on this journey to understand how resilient I was because, yeah, it could have got the better of me on several occasions, but somehow I managed to bounce back because I was determined to reach the end.

Yeah. Yeah, it probably was because I've got a bit of a bee in my bonnet about this. you know, we all go through tough, tough times, um, and this search stuff for us adoptees is tough stuff. And, uh, and, and there's a, there's a world of people out there who are, who are telling us that they, they can make us more resilient. And, uh, it— and, and we, you know, we talk about— people use the word strengthening, strengthening resilience. And it's made out like strengthening our muscles, like going to a gym. And they kind of, the headlines are about being more resilient, about bouncing back. And then the headline on the social media advert or whatever it is on the webpage. And it says, you know, it says it's got this headline then, and then it builds rapport with us. It sows the seeds. within us that we are, you know, floundering, we are struggling, we are, you know, we're having difficulties. And then it says, it usually says something, you know, I was just like you until I found XYZ. And then if you spend this time or money or both with me, then you will learn how to become resilient. And Um, I, I think it's, as you say, it, it's, it's, we, we find resilience within us. It, it's always there, but we don't see it for ourselves. So resilience is uncovered by the, the fact that we go back, uh, we go back into the, into this journey after these setbacks. You know, you're getting these DNA results and this isn't the wrong, you know, this is the wrong guy. You get in the courts knocking you back and treating you like you're frustrating them and, you know, they're getting paid to do the job. So, you know, the reason I'm banging on about it is because for me it's a teachable, shareable point, right? Listeners, you know, you have We all have that resilience within us, right? It comes with us. We we learn. I think we learn fragility, you know. So when the when the the kid falls over, you know, little toddlers fall falls over. Kids not bothered about having fallen over, but the mum or dad watching is like. you know, scared of any physical result. And, and then the, uh, so that there's this, there's this, uh, worry. And, and the kid sees that their parent is worried about them falling over and, and, and learns that there is learned fragility. And also learns that if they if we cry, then we get attention. So we kind of, we boost up our, um, yeah, we, we cry, we cry, we get attention, we fall over, we get attention, and, and we learn fragility. So yeah, uh, resilience is uncovered. It's something that we see for ourselves, you know, like we get through it and say, you get to this 28-year journey, how, how on earth did that, how, how on earth did I keep going despite the setbacks? Well, you did, and you've learned something about your resilience, your strength, your inner grit. You've been riding this roller coaster. You've been riding this emotional roller coaster, and yet you've kept going.

Yes, you're quite right there, Simon. I did manage to keep going somehow. One of the early emotions on the journey was confusion. When you see your birth certificate, your, you know, your natural birth certificate for the first time, and you start absorbing your true identity. When you see, you know, the name that you were given when you were born, Um, that is confusing. Um, seeing this information in, in black and white just began to— I began to question my own identity. Um, I was kind of caught between the person I'd become and what I could have been. I was kind of in no man's land, somewhere along, somewhere along those lines. So yeah, that was something to absorb and to take on board early in the search, amongst with everything else. So yeah, and I'm sure that other adoptees on the journey have also got that challenge to overcome. So yeah, the— it was just a complete— I wouldn't say that it was like emotional growth, it was just— varied emotions along the route. Disappointment, frustration, which is slightly different to being angry. And when, you know, when you're rejected by— the 2 men in the adoption file went to social services, went knocking and wanted to make dialogue. That frustration and the torment day after day of not understanding your ancestry, it just became inescapable for me. It was just always there.

Yeah.

And the frustration of— with a journey like this, often it's a waiting game. It's waiting for information, it's waiting for letters. You build your hopes up. So waiting for, you know, letters sent out by the search company. that weren't responded to. You're constantly checking your emails. Have I missed anything? But nothing ever came. It just torments you because you start— your mind starts playing tricks. Then you become negative, and then you're on this downward cycle. Then you feel the problem is with yourself. That's when you know, things like shame. That's another emotion. Shame kicks in at that point. Um, you know, that, that feeling came from time to time. Um, so this would, you know, this is kind of the belief that, you know, you're feeling unloved. Um, every time there's a rejection on the search journey, and there were many, um, you know, you, you start to believe that It's you, that you're incomplete, you're defective, um, you weren't a great baby, you know. And I'm presuming other adoptees, um, are quite familiar with those feelings.

Yeah.

Um, so yeah, shame kicked in from time to time. So yeah, lots of, lots of different, um, lots of different emotions.

Um, I, I think Summing it up and, and, you know, thinking about my own experience asking from— asking for help, leaning on people, um, I, I felt that the world was against me. Yeah. You know, it's, it's, it's, it's Simon, it's, it's Simon versus the world. Why won't this person do this? For me, and and I've from from those places, I've taken stuff far too personally, right? So through that lens, through the the lens of the world's against Simon, I I've I've actually. Starting projecting that, right? So some of the stuff that was never personal has been— I have taken personally.

Yes, um, I can relate to that as well. Yes, um, and, and for me, um, it, it maybe took a while, but You've got to find ways to cope. You've got to have strategies in place to be able to deal with that when it comes along. And obviously, I started this journey when I was 24, 25. I'm an older guy now, so I'm a bit more experienced and mature. And I think I've learned a lot along the way about managing myself. because of the impact of adoption and also this search. So yeah, so when I come across those situations now, it's— I am able to deal with it in a much more mature way and it doesn't affect me as much. I'm not saying that it's totally gone, but, you know, things— I've never been able to take criticism that well, but I am learning to deal with that a little bit better these days because criticism for me equals rejection. And it's something that I've got a better grip of these days. So yeah, I can relate to what you're saying, Simon.

Yeah. Yeah, I was talking about some stuff as a kid with this, you know, um, to a coach lady, um, a few weeks ago, uh, uh, and, um, it's something came up and, and it was a, it's a, a silly kind of trivial example, but it's obviously lodged in my head because 40 years later I'm remembering it, right? So this time of the year Or maybe July. We're recording this in, in August, early August '23. July time, I used to go on scout camp, and I was like, after a while, as we got older, you know, I was the, I was the, the kid who was in charge of the tent, a younger kid. And they do an inspection each day, right, to make sure your kit's clean. And we hadn't cleaned, we hadn't cleaned the, um, the pan, one of the pans, probably frying pan. And and and they after they they came round and they did the inspection, and he said, "I've written pathetic in in the in the fat that's left in the frying pan," and it's just like, oh, that's like that's really really really harsh. Now, what was he? You know, and I took it like he's calling me pathetic. I'm like, did I, did I do the washing up? Did I do that pan? Was I, you know, am I responsible for checking everything that the, the, the younger kids have done? Should I have done it? And it all spirals down. He's just trying to teach me a lesson about the thing, but I'm taking it, I'm taking it ultra, ultra personal.

Yeah.

And that's the projection thing.

Yeah. Um, and, and trying to ensure that you don't spiral out of control because of one comment. And then it can lead from one thing to another. Yeah, I understand. So yeah, being able to cope.

I would just— I just shut down in that, you know, like the trauma responses, uh, fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. And usually I would— usually I freeze because something's within me that I, I know, I know it could escalate. Right. Um, how could I run away? Like, I didn't have that option, you know. I'm, you know, a couple hundred miles away from home, 100 miles away from home. There's no way I could fly, right? Fawn? Nah, it's not gonna— the guy's a hard-ass, he's not gonna do it. So I just froze, you know, just frozen in the minute. But yeah, um, one of the— it's a big thing. Another one of my mentors once said this, whether we see it, she said it's something from Einstein. It said, the biggest question we can ask ourselves is, is the world for us or against us? And it's like, if we're thinking it's against us, then we're going to be projecting that everywhere. And, you know, like, If there'd been a Scout badge for that, I would have got it, right? I'd probably still get it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, during the journey, yeah, I often thought that the world was against me and that whichever way I turned, you know, I was starting to be negative before I even turned in that direction to think, well, I'm not going to get anywhere this way either. But you've got to be determined. You've got to keep going, and you've got to keep finding new avenues to explore. And many of them are dead ends. But, you know, thankfully for me, I managed to find the the correct research company to support me. And they kind of got me through to the end of the search. Now, when I was working with that research company, for the first time on that journey, I've— you know, you asked an earlier question about being supported.

Yeah.

feeling supported. I felt fully supported for February '21 through to about June '21. Fully supported, started to relax, started to think this is going in the right direction because they were feeding me information which I knew Was backed up by scientific evidence, and it gave me comfort. In fact, you know, they were my comfort blanket for five months. There's no doubt about it. They took the search as far as they could, provided me with a scientific report, and it outlined the work that they'd done. And then I was left to go merrily on my way myself. But that comfort blanket was taken away, Simon. So I was back on my own again for the final leg of the journey, which I did bring to a conclusion. So yeah, it's another emotion that you face on a journey. There was, at the time, there was no better feeling to have That company by my side. Yeah, absolutely brilliant.

Yeah, yeah. My— I went through my search after I'd done quite a lot of work on myself, right? So I'd started doing the sort of personal development stuff, probably. 2009, maybe 2000, 2007, 2008. And then I didn't go on the search until probably 2015. But when I— my, my stop, my pause, I got the, I got the the, the name of my birth mother on a piece of paper and my first name as well. Now, I was expecting to get, you know, the guy had rung me up or emailed me, say, oh, we've got, we've got this documentation, do you want to come and pick it up? I was expecting to have just see the, the name of my birth mother and probably not my father. I wasn't sure But I hadn't really— but I, I wasn't ready for that, you know, for, for, um, my first name, David Anthony Flower, to be listed on that thing. And my first reaction to that was, oh, I've had 2 names. You were, you're alluding to that early— earlier on, and, um, I, I, I think it's, it's not many people talk about it for some reason, but this, this idea that we've, we've had 2 names, so no wonder identity is so confusing. You can't get more confusing, confusing than that. Um, but yeah. I, I, I, I, I, but at the same time, I was like, well, they're just kind of labels. A bit further on, I was a bit longer on, I was thinking about it, and they, they, they're just labels anyway.

Yeah, they, they are. But it— I'd not too— I'd not thought too much into, um, in, into the name issue. I tried not to anyway. It did crop up from time to time, um, But recently I took part in, um, in some research being undertaken by Nottingham University, which was focusing very much for adoptees around, um, how much names mean to you. And, you know, there was quite— it was quite in-depth, really, that research. Um, I found it quite interesting. But, um, amazingly, what, what I've, what I've actually done is, um, Because recently we've reverted back to, to the— I think I've mentioned this to you before, Simon. We've, as a family, we've reverted back to the surname that I was born with, um, through various reasons. Um, and it feels so right.

Wow.

To do that. I feel so at home with, with it. Um, And I have even gone to the steps of, believe it or not, in having the name tattooed on my leg, which is very, very unusual for me to be thinking about tattoos. So yeah, I have gone down that route, and I'm quite happy with it as well. I mentioned earlier on that the search was quite Quite a private affair. I didn't really talk about it to anybody for various reasons. But when when I decided to make that concerted effort at the beginning of 2020, I did have the help of an accomplice, a work colleague. We were out one night. We having a few drinks, and we were chatting about this. You know, this, this search of mine, and he offered up some help. So I had an accomplice early in 2020 or 2021, 2020. And that was an important step because he, he was able to gain access and build up some relationships as part of that journey that I might not have been able to do. So it was really, really useful. We didn't really want to be disingenuous, but sometimes, you know, you might have to go down that route to, you know, trigger some reaction or get insight to certain information. But it, you know, it worked out okay. Nobody was upset. And we built up some relationships with people that allowed me to continue with the search. So yeah, it was a private affair, but more people came into play as, um, as the search, um, developed. I think it's also important to say that, um, that, um, I built up some, you know, because satisfaction was an emotion. You know, a lot of the things I've talked about are quite negative, but satisfaction, um, Affection. You know, these were all other emotions that came into play. And I met some lovely people and relatives while on the journey. You know, they rooted for me when it got tough. They gave me encouragement when it was rough going. And I've maintained contact with those people afterwards, which is really positive. And, you know, being positive again, another emotion was happiness, you know, when, when my potential— didn't turn out to be that way, but my potential biological father, the one that had resisted making, you know, making contact for so many years, agreed to have a DNA test with me. one Christmas Eve. I was so happy about that. It didn't turn out as I expected. But another point on the journey where I was really happy was a phone call I received on one Christmas Eve from my biological father, and he agreed to meet me. There were points on the journey where It was a nice place to be. It wasn't all negative. I don't want it to sound too, you know, all negative.

Yeah, well, that's the roller coaster, isn't it? The ups and the downs, the hope and the darkness and the light. Yeah, tenacious is the word that really sums up for me, you know, like You know, it's a tenaciousness, but there's something driving it, right? It's a deep thing.

Yeah, it's, maybe it's part of my characteristics, tenacious. I am like this in my work, you know, I'm a public sector officer in my working life. I'm not an author or anything like that. So tenacious to ensure that the task is done, to ensure, you know, you do your best in all walks of life, no matter what that is, your working life, your hobbies, your DIY in the garden, you know, whatever that may be. I try to do it to the best of my ability. But yeah, tenacious is not a bad shout.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I can't agree. I agree with the tenacity thing, but I can't agree with the DIY stuff because that isn't my thing. That's not my bag. That's not my bag at all. I'm not, I'm hopeless, you know, with, I get severe drilling from my missus about how crap I am at DIY. Yeah. So you've kind of, you've alluded to what you've learned about yourself. How would you earlier, how would you sum, how would you sum that up? What sort of, yeah, we've talked at the length about the Resilience. We've touched on the tenacity, strength of character. How would you kind of sum it up, what you've discovered about yourself through this 28 years?

Well, I think to sum it up, I think if you're entering into a into a search such as this, don't predict the answer before you start. I think that's something that I've certainly learned along the way. You can never predict the outcome of a search such as this. It's really important to be open-minded. And I think, don't build it up to be a quick search. You know, you've got to have such low expectations of what you might find, you know, as part of the search. Otherwise, you'd just be disappointed time and time again. Obviously, I've learned that. Obviously, I didn't do it on the search. You know, it's things that I've experienced, and I can share with other people who might be on this journey or might be thinking about starting this journey. I've got a lot to share through what I went through, but I also recognize that everybody's search will be different. Some might be quite quick. I think it's pretty important to say as well that When I started this journey, social media really wasn't a thing, you know. And I think social media may have made it a little bit quicker for people who were searching. You know, now we've got things like Facebook, but there's probably dangers linked to that moving in too quickly. I tried to be quite cautious with mine and try, you know, the key thing for me was to try not to upset the apple cart for the families I was reaching out to. You don't always know who you're talking to. You don't always know what they know. So, it's a little bit of a minefield. And All you can do, Simon, is the best. Do it with the best intentions of trying to satisfy your own interests and your own needs without, you know, without kind of upsetting people along the way, because that is— I think that would be quite easy to do. And that's something that I came across from time to time. So yeah, that's— I don't know whether that's useful.

Yeah, that's great. That's great. Is there anything else that I've not asked you about that you'd like to share?

No, I don't think so. I think I think we've covered most things. I think that the really strong— it's this human rights thing that needs to be— I think it needs to be addressed at a higher level because understanding your biological heritage, it should be higher up on the radar and it should be something that we all have access to quite easily without having to wait 28 years or waste 28 years of your life trying to find out about the information. So yeah, human rights. And also, you know, if there was any financial support towards making this journey a little bit cheaper or Or maybe a free journey, that's got to come into the equation as well.

Yeah, yeah. I was chatting to somebody at length about this human rights stuff and frustration with the system, essentially frustrations with bureaucracy. And it seems to me to be a tough one because no amount of frustration on my part is going to change it, change the system. And I get frustrated with it. And yet, I used to have the word advocate on my blurb, you know, so it used to say Simon Benn, adoptee, podcaster, speaker, advocate, or something like that. And I've taken the advocate bit off my blurb because I'm not doing it, and I don't really. I don't. I don't feel called to change the system somehow. Like maybe I just don't have the patience for it, or I don't know. It's not. It's not. But I think. I think largely it's because yeah. What? How's that gonna? Yeah, I'm not really saying this, I'm not expressing this very well. I'd rather keep my focus on what I can change.

Yes.

What I can change, or what I can change faster, or what I'm more set up to change, or whatever. So how do you see that stuff?

Well, when you're in the midst of your own personal search journey, and it, and it ain't going your way. And you're angry, you're upset, and you're bitter about everything. Because you're hitting too many brick walls, you're not getting the information that you want. And you add this, these elements to the agenda. That's probably why it was highlighted in my mind. I've calmed down now. Now I've got to the end of the journey, I've calmed down. I still feel strongly about it. I still read about Facebook posts every single day of the year, people trying to find loved ones. Ones trying to find their own heritage. And, you know, some people, they're all at different stages. Some people are tearing their hair out like I was. But when you're going through it, you know, these things can, you know, they can be accelerated, you know, and made even bigger than perhaps they should be. So that's why at the time, as part of capturing the information about this journey, um, I flagged it up, um, and but I think, I think my words were, that's an issue for another day, um, so I think, um, I think, I think I'm in that place now, Simon, if, if you know what I mean.

So as always, listeners, I urge you to check out the guests, um, well, he's kind of got a book out, so there's a link in the, in the show notes to the book so you can get it on Amazon. And thank you very much for sharing, sharing your learnings, Colin. It's been a— I really enjoyed it. And you're such a lovely, humble guy.

Okay, thanks for having me. Take care, everybody. Thank you.

Thanks, listeners. Goodbye. Cheers.

Okay.