In this 20‑minute monologue, Simon Benn reflects on the limitations of traditional therapy that focuses on analyzing thoughts and argues that true transformation comes from accessing love, which he asserts is an internal, self‑generated feeling rather than an external connection. He shares personal anecdotes—a birthday sweatshirt, a "recharge" event with mentor Richard Wilkins, and a vivid memory of feeling "bathed in love"—to illustrate his shift from viewing love as something received from others to recognizing it as a state that originates within each person. Benn emphasizes that self‑criticism and the belief of being unlovable are the real obstacles, and that the only remedy is cultivating self‑love. He stresses that insights must be experienced directly, not second‑hand, and advocates using questions rather than statements to draw others into their own discovery. The talk concludes with an invitation to let the innate love within us flow outward.
Chapters
Hi, good morning to you, good morning to you. I hope you are very well this morning. So it's a very chilly morning up here in North Yorkshire, it's like -3 degrees, so for me it's not a day for wearing one of my trademark loud shirts. Instead I've got a nice bright sweatshirt, so this is something that my lovely wife bought me for my birthday. It was my birthday on, on Monday. And, um, yeah, it's much better, isn't it, in this cold, uh, in this cold weather to be wrapping up warm, keeping, keeping warm. So, uh, yesterday I was talking about, um, therapy, and I was trying to think about what should I talk about today. And, you know, Therapy has a lot to do with our thoughts, isn't it? That's what therapists kind of dig around in. They dig around in our digging around in our thoughts, and for me, that isn't where the the transformation, where the inspiration, where the healing, where the action, where the efficacy, where the real juice to be had is. It isn't in our thoughts. So if it isn't in our thoughts, where is it? And what is it that we're all craving? And it's just one thing, and it's so obvious. It's love, isn't it? We're craving, we're craving love. We want, we want love. We want love from others, uh, and we want love for ourselves, don't we? Um, we want an end to that self, uh, self-critic, the, uh, the negative voice in our head that tells us that we're not good enough and tells us that we're— tells us that, uh, nobody loves us, that we're unlovable. And this is, you know, whether we are black, white, yellow, adopted, not adopted, brothers, sisters, mothers, dads, fathers, daughters, sons, whatever, whoever we are, whatever age we are, all we really want is, is love. And we want to feel loved, we want to be loved, and we want to be feel love for ourselves. That's where the action is. So if love is what we want, then digging around in our thoughts, it's like it's the wrong department, isn't it? One of my mentors, great guy called Richard Wilkins, says, you know, we're looking in the wrong department. Well, you know, how long will it Try how long would it take you to find something if you were looking in the wrong place? So we're we are exploring our thoughts. We're looking in our heads, and whereas looking looking for love, we're looking you know we're we're in our we're in our hearts, aren't we? And that begs a question then. So where does it where does it come from? So I used to think. That love was— it was in some sort of connection. So it's like holding hands with somebody that you love. So I thought it was kind of— that's what my take on love was, something that is external. It's about connection between 2 people. And then I Then I thought, I thought that way for probably 40, 45 years. I thought it was an external catcher. And then I went to, went to an event. And I saw it was, it was a, what is this guy, Richard Wilkins, an event by him and his, and his lovely partner in the work that they do and in life. And, uh, and it was called a recharge event, so it's about recharging our energy and consciousness and, and love. And as I came into the room, there was, um, a slideshow running, and on the slideshow showed the, the kind of like the final day photographs of the small groups of people that had been through this 5-day course about loving ourselves, learning to love ourselves, and learning to ignore the negative voice in our head. And as I looked up to the screen, it was a big room, like 150 people there. Maybe 120 of them would have done the, um, done the course that I'd done, and another 30 or so hadn't and were looking at this, whether they wanted to do it. And having a day's experience And as I looked up, I saw a picture of myself and another— Richard and Liz and 4 or 5 other people that were on that, on that week together back in 2009. And I was suddenly flushed from head to toe in love. So it felt like a bath. It felt like that I was sitting in a bath of love, a lovely bath, just the right temperature. Um, I'm not into, into the bubbles and candles like some, some people are, no. Uh, sitting in the bath in, in, in bubble bath and with the candles on and the music in the background, very rarely have that. But this was like a very This was like a— that's how it felt. It felt that I was in a bath of love. So still the love was outside me, you know, it was in the water and I was in the water. And then what I realized a little bit, probably another year on, the year on, is that, you know, I was studying on a course about consciousness and love. And I realized that love is a feeling that comes from within us. All feelings come from inside us. So feelings come from us, not to us. So if it was to us, if it was coming to us, it would be from the handshake— not handshake— from holding hands with the, the one that you love. or from the water of the bath that I was in, um, the water would be the heat of the water, and the water is giving me the sensation of love, like the temperature of the water is giving the sensation of heat. Same thing. But feelings come from us, don't they? They don't come to us. So all that, all those feelings of love That we think that we are brought up to believe come from outsiders. They come from within. So if they come from within us, that feeling of love is actually who we are. Just let that sink in for a minute because this might be a little bit woo woo, a little bit way way. And the thing that comes to my mind is that I'm trying to do my best to point to something that I had an insight about, something that I realized about the nature of love. I'm trying to do that in the most poignant and effective way that I possibly can. Here's the but. You could probably sense a but coming. Have you ever watched that on telly? You watch that on telly or you're having a discussion with somebody and they've agreed with you but there's something in the tone of the voice and it says, it's telling you that they're going to disagree with you, because that's what we do, don't we, as human beings? Somebody says something and we want to be polite and we want to, you know, be empathetic, and they say, so they say something and we say, yes, I totally agree with you, and so we're kind of lulling the other person into a false sense of security, and then we hit them with a but, and the but is basically After the but is what we're saying to be nice to somebody. So before the but is what we're saying to be nice to them and not, not cheese them off. And after the but is the truth that we really feel. This isn't like that, okay? I'm not being like that. What I'm getting around to saying is that for me, for you, to get something, to, um, hear something. We have to hear stuff for ourselves. We have to see stuff for ourselves. So whilst I can point in the direction of where love is, unless you see what I— unless you see that for yourselves, then it will have no Um, impact on your view of the world. So there's no such thing as a secondhand insight or a secondhand epiphany or a secondhand learning. We have to have them for ourselves. We have to learn things for ourselves. So I'm trying to give you that experience with all my power, but if it hasn't landed, it's merely because you haven't seen it. You haven't seen it yet. Yeah, yet is a very powerful word, the key to that growth mindset stuff. Yeah, we haven't seen something yet, so I just keep on doing what I'm doing. To think of different ways to help you see what I've seen, but I can't do that. We have to learn stuff for ourselves, and that's why when we're talking to other people, when we're talking to our kids and stuff, it's much better to use a question than a statement because the question draws the other, draws that person, the other person's insight from within them. So the power of love, it's not just a song by Frankie Goes to Hollywood, it is a truth. All we want is love, and that love is Right within you now, waiting. It's right within all of us now, waiting for an excuse for you to let it out. So what's it going to take to let it out? Lots of love. See you soon. Bye-bye. Bye.
