Sol Brah walks through processing a breakup: accept it happened, forgive your ex, stop tying your worth to their approval. Hit the gym, build new habits, avoid rebounds. He argues men shouldn't lose their purpose-driven energy, and frames the breakup as a chance to expand your capacity for love.
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So you just broke up out of your relationship. Brutal. I know. Here's the advice I wish someone had told me when I went through breakups earlier in my life. So there's a few different angles and perspectives here. Were you broken up with or did you decide that the relationship wasn't right for you right now? Depending on which side of the breakup you're on, it can change how you feel. However, a lot of the principles are the same. Breakups are hardly ever straightforward and easy. Firstly, and most importantly, the single most important factor that I could communicate to you is that it simply wasn't meant to be. If it was meant to be, it would still be. If you internalize that, you're going to be good. If you've listened to my videos before, you, you know, I would, I talk about the principle of not comparing what reality is to what we think it should be. Ultimately, all mental dissonance, all stress, everything on some level comes from that error. What's true is what is. So we should deal with that reality and not pine over another imagined reality that doesn't exist. You know, if your relationship is now over, That's the reality, and you move on with your life because of that. Wondering about what could have been or all of these things, what could I have done better, they did this, da da da, it's useless, you know, that is now in the past. So if it was meant to be for you truly, then it would still be happening, you know, you may not understand or fathom why it isn't happening, or you may have thought that it was the best for you, but it's not happening anymore. So simply Okay, let it go. And mentally, that's the principle you have to really take to heart. There could be any number of reasons why it isn't happening anymore. Perhaps they didn't recognize in you the value that you have. Maybe you dropped the ball on being a good partner. Maybe they were looking for something different. Maybe you were looking for something different. Maybe there's deep internal issues they have or you have that they need to heal or you need to heal. Maybe they moved away for work or study, or there's no clear logical reason that you can see, and it doesn't matter anyway, right? You could simply be destined to go through a growth arc which God has destined for you. He's decided you needed it, so he needed you to have your heart broken for you to grow into what you needed to be. And that's okay. When our heart breaks, it opens and our capacity for love is heightened. Whether or not you've experienced that, I can tell you it's true. Heartbreak opens so we can love more. That's the positive end result of these things happening. You have to allow this breakup to be the way that it is and not get stuck in any negative reactions and like, having these attachments to a certain perspective because you're not entertaining any other perspective other than, "We're meant to be together, we were going to be together forever, and now this what is happening is wrong, it's wrong, and I'm going to fight against it, and I'm going to cry about it, and I'm going to blah blah blah." Look, breakups are hard, I understand, cried over breakups in my life, but being consistently attached to this other reality that no longer exists is just going to lead you down a negative path. So Make sure that you— that's like the underlying principle of all of this stuff. Forgive them, forgive the situation, let go of your control of the situation for your own peace of mind in order to progress. If you're truly attached and you still feel like you're meant to be together, it might be the case that you both separate, you grow, and then life brings you back together in a different, a better way later. But it requires you to let go of the attachment that you have to being together now. I'm not saying it will be one way or the other. I'm trying to expand your mind to show you that there are many, many different pathways that God can act in your life and bring you to where you need to be, where you're meant to be in the future. And no matter what the life event is, when we struggle and we grip too tightly onto one particular pathway, then it's, it's very hard for us to get onto the track that we're meant to be on, that these these life events happen to us to put us on back onto the right track. And what we've experienced is always the right track, but we then have to not hold too tightly onto something because we, we may need to be shifted through these intense life events. And breakups are one of those things. In order to get to the real thing, the proper relationship that's going to be forever for the rest of your life, what you're meant to be in long term, You have to let go of what is not meant to be. You may not even know how good it can be and how much better another relationship will be for you. Some relationships are meant to be worked through. Some relationships are meant to be let go of. You know, you, you learn the lesson and you understand what happened and improve on that, but you may not even know how good it can get once you've gone through this breakup. Growth experience. So you have to be open to everything. So instead, be grateful for this opportunity to be free from what you were in before, to find the real thing that you're meant to be a part of. Maybe you even saved from a worse later on experience. You know, I've seen this where guys break up with a girl, they're distraught, they're upset, they thought she was the one. And then next year she, you know, exaggerating a little bit, but maybe she gets a drug problem or, you know, she just, she can't get her life together and some other guy is now with her and has to deal with that train wreck. And the other guy who was broken up with thought it was the end of the world is like, geez, well, I didn't, you know, luckily I dodged that bullet in a way. That is also possible. So you just never know the motivations, the reasons, or why something may be happening right now. Just let it unfold is my point here with all of this. I can look back at the breakups that I went through that were objectively felt terrible at the time, and I'm very glad because it got me to where I am now, which is far, far better. Even if you were cheated on, you know, brutal, brutal maxing. I know from the macro perspective you've won. You should be smiling. You are no longer with someone who you know doesn't align with you long-term. That's a good thing. You're not wasting any more time. So even if you cannot see it, you're, you've won in that situation. That is the mental kind of switch that you can do with all of these life events that seem traumatic at the time, seem whatever, but particularly getting cheated on. You can see it as like, oh, "Oh well, if they're capable of that, then I definitely want to be with— didn't want to be with them. So now I know and that's great." And you know, moving on. Your own self-worth should come from outside of what your romantic partner chooses to do. That's if the relationship is good. That's if the relationship is bad. That's if you get cheated on. Your self-worth and self-love and that knowledge within yourself is unmovable because it's nothing to do with the external. It's to do with what you do. It's to do with your morals and your actions and your decisions and your values. Right? So if someone external decides to do that to you or break the container of the relationship, then, you know, you're within yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. You can just say, okay, that's not something I want to be involved in again. Farewell, you know, to be frank. And when you base your self-worth on that, then anything external to you is lessor and it doesn't affect you. And this goes with anything outside of romantic relationship. If some yahoo off the street calls you an idiot, then you can say, well, I know I'm not an idiot. I don't act in a way that is an idiot. And that's just an external validation that I don't need because my self-worth and everything and my understanding of my own conduct and everything is tied to what I do and it has nothing to do with the external. So in terms of when we get cheated on, they're only revealing themselves. They're not revealing a judgment on you. You know, nothing external should be able to make you feel bad about yourself. In that sense, we cannot control another person, right? And nor should we want to. It's always a bad decision doing something to try and win back another person. And I'm not talking about cheating or whatever. I'm just talking about, okay, the relationship's broken down. I want to win back someone. I'm not going to say either way that there's rules you should or shouldn't in any situation because you know what you need to do in your relationship. You know how you feel, or ex relationship, whatever. If you feel like you fucked up, you really love this person still and you want to make it right and you can do that through actions and communication, then that's a valid experience. It's a valid choice to grow together and improve yourself and realize where you fucked up and Vice versa, they can do the same. And as long as it's both people agree and it's all loving, then you can work through things. And that is an option in terms of winning back someone. But do it for yourself, you know. Don't, don't do something just to win someone, someone else's approval back for you because they're going to make their own decisions. You can't force someone to love you. If you feel like, okay, someone is breaking up with me, my self-worth is tied to their opinion of me and whether or not they love me. So I work over and over to try to get that approval back from that person because I've tied my approval to them. And so you end up doing all these things, you're chasing this dragon of their approval, and they may give it to you again through continuing to hang out with you or whatever, but it's a slippery slope because then we end up doing things that we may not necessarily feel right deep down and doing. So self-worth has to come from yourself for, for a multitude of reasons. And we can't control other people's actions. We can just do what we want to do, what we think is right, and then the other person can make that decision whether they want to be with us or not. Your self-worth has to be separate from their approval. It's just going to help you in life with everything, even outside of romantic relationships. So on the other side of the coin, you've broken up, but you've broken up with someone, you know, it's, it's been your choice. You must be willing to be by yourself rather than stay in a relationship that isn't meant for you. And you can have those feelings, they creep up and then you can't really hide it anymore. Even if it greatly hurts to do so, uh, maybe it's more comfortable to stay together. If you really care about the other person, then you would tell them the truth. It might be that you were in an abusive relationship or a relationship that does not, it's not serving you, it's limiting you. You can't grow, you can't do what you truly want, in which case you've made the right decision to break up and it may still feel bad, but the advice of what I'm going to say in general in this video still applies to those situations, still going to be relevant. So it can also be very relevant and beneficial to see where you might have misstepped within your role in the relationship on either side. You know, reflection is good whether you broke up with someone, you know, was it things that I was doing which was leading to situations, environments that I couldn't end up tolerating for a long, for a long period of time and therefore I had to get out, not realizing it was a reflection of my own actions, or was it seeing them just be so wild and it's nothing to do with you and you break up, whatever. So just try to look at it. Don't go mad with analyzing and things, but you have to see it takes two to tango. A relationship is between two people. So the, the result of the relationship is of course going to be based on what you're doing as well. So let's look at it within your role of the relationship. The masculine polarity, speaking to young men mostly watching this video, did you devolve? You know, were you as dominant, leading, inspiring, confident, independent, that independent masculine force that initially draws the woman to you? One of the very common things that happens in relationships is that the guy, as the one that sets the tone, as the one that leads, as the dominant figure in this masculine-feminine polarity, he becomes more feminine. And when the man becomes more feminine in not leading as much, not living his masculine life like he was when he was single and things like that, the woman receives that energetically, whether she knows it or not, and becomes more masculine. Maybe she starts to nag, maybe she starts to be more bossy, because they're going to receive the fact that you're not being as masculine as you were before. And then that just leads to disarray, and you may think, "Oh, why is she being so annoying? Why is she not blah blah blah?" It's because you as the man, sometimes you haven't set the emotional parameters properly. You yourself are slipping and letting your emotions get the the better of you, uh, and you're not, you know, that dynamic masculine force that you were when you first attracted and first got into the relationship. And you know, I'm not, I'm not blaming the man always in this situation. I'm just saying that that is a very common thing that occurs in relationships because of the comfort or the guy deciding to be more accommodating. And you do have to, to a degree, but I find that if you become too soft, too feminine and too like caring and you should be caring and loving but in a masculine way, in a forceful setting the law down and you know, you've still got your mission, you're still acting in that masculine way and you're penetrating the world and you're not just schlubbing on the couch watching Love Island or some other garbage. Because who would respect a man that's doing that, you know? And then the woman acts up because she senses that on some level, even if she's not conscious of it, and the guy has just become a kind of schmuck. And, you know, that's one thing that can happen. So we want to make sure that we haven't done that in order to legitimately analyze the relationship that we've just come out of. Were you emotionally stable, unreactive in the face of her womanly emotionally ups and downs? It happens. Can you just be the guy that's rock solid? Doesn't matter what's happening. You're always chill. You know, you're always, you know what's going on and you can handle any, any situation. That's what the woman needs from her man, you know? And again, this is not to say to completely to completely absolve any woman ever of if they're ridiculously emotional all the time, you don't have to deal with that as a man either. But just know that you can objectively look at yourself. Hey, have I grown as a man? Have I been expanding and being my masculine dominant self or have I kind of baited out a little bit? Unfortunately, you know, it's, it's tough, but you have to be honest with yourself. Especially on the backend of these big breakup scenarios. That is not to say that you should get hung up on this stuff or blame yourself endlessly, right? As I said, but it can help to see how you could do better so that you don't run into the same mistakes in your next relationship, a future relationship that you want to make, make last. Objectively, we want to face ourselves with the truth So we don't lie to ourselves and stay in a fantasy land where we divulge any blame, like, oh, she was crazy all the time, nothing to do with me. And then because you think that, because you want to protect your ego, you end up making the same mistakes. And then you, you think, oh man, this is happening again. And it can be happening again because you— it's two things, right? You can either because you haven't upheld a level of quality relationship values and treating the other person right and being honest and being truthful and being loving and being caring, or you find yourself in the same situation, the same, you know, negative situation because you failed to enforce the boundaries within that relationship. What do I mean by that? The boundaries of respect and the behavior that you accept in relationships is really what you tolerate is what you receive. So if you end up entering relationships where your self-worth again is tied to their approval, you don't want to upset them. This goes for male and female. You don't want to upset them, so you tolerate disrespect, let's say, because you don't want to upset them and your self-love is tied to their approval. Whereas if your self-love was tied to you, you wouldn't accept someone disrespecting you. You wouldn't accept someone encroaching on your personal growth time. You wouldn't accept these things that a lot of people accept within the parameters of a romantic relationship because it comes with love or approval at the same time. So self-love is really the fundamental thing. And this is an issue with people that didn't have good relationships with their parents. They never received love from their parents growing up, so they looked for external— where's the love? They never learned that skill. They were never kind of loved unconditionally. Unfortunately, it's just the nature of our reality. So bad relationship with mom, bad relationship with dad. They're looking for these external validations and they find external validations in relationships. Where they're disrespected, but it also comes with some validation. So you can see how that works. Some people think it's always the person, the other person in the relationship that's the issue, and then they run into the same problems with a new partner, not realizing it was their own issues, whether, like I said, their behavior or their inability to enforce boundaries to protect themselves. If there are unresolved issues that we personally project onto the other person, onto relationships of all kinds, not even just romantic, then we're going to end up finding the same problems with whoever we're with. I'm not saying that this is the case with you. I'm just trying to tick all the boxes in terms of the possibilities with relationships so that you can understand how yours went, uh, why you broke up as much as is possible. Relationship skills and awareness are skills that we can practice just like any other skill or, or hobby. You know, we've got to work on these, we've got to develop them, we've got to increase our understanding, especially if we didn't grow up with really positive loving relationships to see as a child. Then we can often model what love should be on something that isn't that healthy. So yeah, we need to dive into this. Otherwise you're going to make the same mistakes, we're going to invoke the same karma, and our relationships dissolve repeatedly. You know, that's not the point of relationships at the end of the day. We need to learn, and hopefully we learn through positive relationships that always remain unconditionally loving, and you're with someone that also understands that base level of like, we're gonna run into issues, we're gonna have our egoic triggerings or whatever else, but it's always respectful, it's always in love that we work together against the problem, and that's the best place to be in a relationship. So We've looked at the possible reasons that you've broken up. We've analyzed it enough to determine these lessons. What are the practical things that we can do? What do we do next? You know, in order to move on in a meaningful, meaningful way, it is most useful to busy yourself in activities, and self-improvement is obviously one of the best things to do. Moping around and crying about the breakup helps no one. Cry a little if you need to. It gets that— it releases the emotions. You may feel like you need to cry. Don't push it down, but don't just sit in your room for weeks and weeks and cry about something that is now in the past. Join a social sports club, take more walks outside, start a new hobby class, anything to take your mind off things. Rather than just kind of twiddling your thumbs doing nothing. Take the extra time that you now have that was previously locked up in the relationship to work on yourself. Make yourself the best version you can be, not even for the sake of a future potential relationship, but just for your own development. You know, the best relationships that you will ever have in your life come from when you're in a state that you're happy being by yourself. When you're happy being by yourself, you're not— again, you're not looking for the external validation that comes with all of these asterisks and extra things. You are happy by yourself, you're chilling, you're improving yourself, you're, you're making money, you're learning, you're growing, you're becoming more conscious, you're just experiencing this world. You have to be in that place first, in my opinion, to really attract something that's going to be the most positive, the most aligned, because who we are— excuse me— who we are is what we're going to attract. If we're acting out of validation, if we are taking things casually, we're not improving ourselves, we're still emotionally reactive to life, our relationships are likely going to be the same. So improving yourself, being happy in yourself, self-improving, that is the kind of relationship that you want to get into, and you're also— your self-worth and everything is tied within that life, and you're not going to accept any subpar relationship because of it. So a lot of young men can be stuck in a relationship that isn't particularly rewarding in terms of life growth. They end up seriously hamstringing their development, just kind of waffling around with girls that they shouldn't be with, that don't make them grow, they don't want to do things together. And the same, you know, this isn't a gender-specific issue, deadbeat guys that girls are with that they fall in love with early and then the guy is just like doing nothing with their life, but they stay together because of, you know, some reasons. Ideally, of course, you're with someone you grow together, but I'm I'm just objectively saying that I've seen it many times. Guys will waste years of their life with some bitchy girlfriend, to speak frankly, that doesn't respect them, doesn't help them grow, doesn't want to build together. I've seen it many times and in a real relationship you're doing things together, you're learning and growing. You're not just stuck watching Netflix and woofing hot dogs. You know, you have to carve out what your values are, what you want to do with your life, and then not compromise on that. You know, find— there's, there is someone for everyone out there, to the point where you don't need to limit yourself or change yourself in order to please someone else. You know, who you are is who you are. We obviously want to positively change things that we we can objectively see in ourselves need improvement. I'm not saying never change yourself in that way, but to like, if you don't like watching Netflix and you're just kind of like, what am I doing here? Then listen to that. As a beneficial side effect, leveling up yourself will mean that the level of partners and the people you have access to for relationships is gonna increase, which is always good when we're searching for a wife or a husband. To attract someone of a high caliber, we have to develop ourselves into something that is also worthy of that high caliber. And a breakup, when it's used productively, can be the springboard we needed to get there. The reality check, you know, as an 18-year-old guy, developing yourself to raise your value is often a better decision to be able to provide more for your bloodline later on. And get a higher quality girl than just settling down straight away with someone that doesn't grow. Again, if you can settle down at 18 with someone that's aligned on values and be together and grow, amazing, amazing. That's the best. I am just commenting on what I've seen, which is that a lot of people get into relationships for the wrong reasons and end up breaking up eventually anyway with a lot of wasted time and energy along the way. Both men and women. So that's what I'm saying to be aware of here. Getting in a new environment can really help. The, there's like ghosts of our previous relationships that can haunt us a lot of the time because it's linked to the places that we, that we went with them, whether it was a bar that we always went to or the gym or, you know, a walk that you always took together, a city that you were both in, you know, if, If the relationship is now in the past, it can help to get into a new environment, to create new memories, stop associating your surroundings with the relationship because that can, you know, just keep you in that frequency of being very upset about the relationship. So as, yeah, new memories, new impressions, new relations with new people can be very helpful in getting out of wherever that relationship was, if it's feasible for you to do so. Avoid rebounding. Taking time for yourself is the most important thing to understand and feel your own feelings and process things and, you know, analyze it in the way that I've described here. And don't just quickly get mixed up with another person that may not be right for you just because you're lonely. A lot of people will rebound quickly because they don't have the relationship attention and they need the self-worth and validation from someone new. Don't be against meeting new people. There's no need to limit yourself like, I need 1 year of never talking to anyone in order to heal from this. Like, don't limit yourself that way, but it can be smart to just take some time to yourself, really figure out what, what do you, what do you want out of life? Like how, how would you want to live your life? Rather than I was living my life for the sake of this relationship that didn't serve me before. How do I want to live my life? Well, I haven't really figured that out before. So figuring that out so that the next relationship you get into, you really understand why you're getting into it, what you want out of the relationship. Because until you know what you want, you can't really send out the energetic frequency to attract that unless you've really figured out what it is you want out of your relationship. And if you've never done that, breakups can be a good time to, to kind of recenter into that impression. As I said, don't be against meeting someone. You never know that, you know, a couple months later you bump into someone who ends up being the next girlfriend once you've taken your time and understood of what you really want and go back to yourself and your centered energy. But a lot of the time you're jumping in straight into something because you're not in a solid centered place when you're fresh out of the breakup and you want attention or sex or something like that. So avoid rebounding in my opinion. Getting in the gym, of course, the classic. Nothing can motivate you more to get back into shape than a breakup. A point on this. Hopefully you didn't let yourself slip up into laziness just because you're in a relationship. You know, like, got a girlfriend, got a wife now. Why do I need to bother? You know, hubby doesn't mind if I got a few extra pounds. That was a male accent, but that was the wife talking. But anyway, I despise this mentality that you see in some people where they're like, well, I've got a boyfriend, I've got a girlfriend. Why? Why would I try anymore? Well, you try and you grow for your partner so you can be the most attractive, the healthiest version of yourself for your relationship. Like you're, you're degrading yourself. You're not taking your health seriously. That's going to lead to relationship issues. Even if you think you're safe because you've earned it. I've got the, the, the relationship now. I don't need to try. That's pathetic to me. So get back in the gym with your extra time. Ideally you never let that slip. But now that you have more time, you can have the big 2-hour sessions and the motivation, especially, you know, if you were broken up with, you can transmute some of those feelings into positive physical energy, transmute overthinking into, yeah, physical gains basically is a really positive thing. In closing, time heals all wounds. Because it's fresh, it's gonna sting. Fresh cut, fresh wound, it's, it's gonna hurt. It may even feel like you're never going to be able to get over this. I have felt the same. Don't shy away from it. Be happy that you loved to be able to feel something like this, okay? Allow yourself to feel it. Cry about it if you need. Let the pain teach you what is meant to be taught. Uh, don't ignore it. And then all you can do is move one foot in front of the other each day. Wake up, take each day as it comes. Over time it'll get easier. Time heals all the wounds. And then one day you'll simply realize that you haven't thought about the breakup in a while. You've moved on. So that's it guys. Thank you for watching me. In the comments below, before you leave, share with me your best breakup tips and share with others, tell others what helped you going through a breakup. Would really appreciate your comments down below. Farewell.
