Finding Joy: Key Note Speech - Aged Care Forum

Thank you for the opportunity today to talk about a topic that isn't necessarily a common request for me to be talking about things like joy, but that doesn't make it wrong and it certainly doesn't make it a topic that we shouldn't be discussing. And as Sharon mentioned, particularly in the last few years where we've recognised that we probably haven't had the opportunity to feel the joy and the benefit of Many of the things that we take joy from, and COVID has really challenged our opportunity to find that joy in our life. When we're talking about joy, we're really talking about those things that are present in our life and the opportunities exist, but if we're not actively looking for them and we're not seeking them, sometimes they can pass us by. So the thing about joy is that, and the challenge I'll put to you and ask you to think about, is it a choice? Now, I'm not saying it's a perfect world, and I'm certainly not sitting here saying that all the things that occur in our worlds we have control over, but there are opportunities for us to think a little bit about the things that we do and the values that we hold and the opportunities in our life to feel joy. And if we're not actively seeking those and physically and mentally thinking about those things, then joy can pass us by. So it's important to understand a little bit about what joy is. We often talk about joy and happiness as the same thing or very aligned. They're not necessarily the same. There is a point of difference. When we talk about happiness, we're really talking about the external things, some of the material points in our life that create a sense of contentment, but it's not the same thing as joy. Joy tends to be deeper. So when we're thinking about joy, you need to be thinking about the active, active side of things. And when I say joy, I'm going to challenge each of you today to think a little bit about what you have in your life that maybe you take for granted, and there are opportunities to feel more joy. And we're challenged by not only situations like COVID, but we're also challenged by technology. We're also challenged by the opportunities to find more socialisation, to be with people that we care about and that we are cared about. And if we're not actively seeking those, then that can be a detriment to joy. I'll explain a little bit more about that in a moment. So at the risk of being self-indulgent, this is a little bit of my life, and I'm not sharing this to— certainly not standing here today saying that my life is full of joy and I don't have the same challenges, self-doubts. I've got 3 teenage daughters, well, one's 20 now, and they do present both joy, reward, satisfaction, and their own challenges along the way. And for those who are parents, you would recognise that. Part of the way that I was brought up by my parents and by the friendship groups that I was lucky to have found and to have found me recognized the fact that I now know that joy has a part to play, and I actively seek this out. And I recognized as a leader that I was able to provide something and to connect with people at a level and help them. Part of that story then allowed me to take a journey and to increase my opportunity to meet my values and to meet those needs through others to create Coach Station. So why I'm mentioning that to you is that the joy that I find day to day in the coaching and mentoring and the facilitation and the opportunities that are presented to me and that I've created are actively sought out. I'm not saying you have to go and start your own business, but I'm saying this was something that I recognized after 20-plus years of working in organizations that I wasn't feeling the joy anymore. I wasn't feeling the satisfaction. I wasn't feeling the benefit of the things that I felt like I could contribute the most. So when I started to understand what my values were and I started to understand what it could be, I was able to make some definitive choices about what that could look like for the rest of my career. To give you context, I've coached well over 450 people over the last 10 or 11 years and facilitate programs and workshops. And every time I'm doing that, it's the opportunity to— the same as today— It's the opportunity to present and maybe have a little bit of impact on someone to meet my values of contribution, making a difference, and similar. Now, again, I share that not in terms of myself, but to challenge you to understand what you value and the sort of things that you care about. Because when we understand those things, you have the opportunity for joy. If we don't know that about ourselves, it's hard to care about self and to recognise the things that give us joy or to provide self-care if we don't know what we care about. If you don't know what you value, if you don't know what your motivations are. It's a really key point, and it's interesting to me how most people are self-aware to a degree, but it's a deeper level of self-awareness that enables us to take action and to meet that bold statement I made at the beginning to say that joy is a choice. But joy and the choice only comes when we have a deeper level of understanding and self-awareness and emotional intelligence to know what is going to provide or how that joy is going to be found out. We could all say this. I think anyone that's part of a family would say family gives joy. But it's not just spending time on the beach. It's not just, in my case, playing indoor netball with my daughters. They're not just the things that give joy automatically. They are the opportunity for joy. And I never thought that I would have the opportunity, being a keen sportsman growing up in my life and so on, but at 52 earlier this year, to play a sport with my 3 daughters. And it was very special. In fact, quite an emotional time. You know, I'm a big softie, really. But the reality is that that opportunity was something that gave me immense joy. But it was created, it was created through the opportunities through my eldest daughter and her team, and we decided that if we can get everyone on the same court at the same time, that would provide that joy. So again, I share that not because it was about netball, but because it was an opportunity. And the reason I felt that joy is the same reason that 5 minutes ago my eldest daughter sent me a text and said, good luck this morning, I hope it goes really well. They're the moments that give joy. They're the relational aspects, they're the social aspects. Now yes, that's my daughter, but that can come from any relationship you've got. When I'm riding my bike, when I'm listening to music, I'm concentrating on— not always, sometimes it's background information— but I'm concentrating on those moments where, if I'm riding my bike, it's not uncommon for me to stop down a track somewhere because I've noticed some parakeets in a tree or some other observation. And it's a deliberate physical thing to stop and actually absorb that and make that part of the journey. So you're not just riding your bike. So it's not just getting fit, it's not just getting from A to B, it's the opportunities that riding a bike creates to find those moments. And I'll keep saying it, you only find those moments of joy if you actively seek them out. Hence my statement about it being a choice. Same as I said, listening to music, I'm a pretend drummer, so occasionally I'm drumming and listening to music. I'm often hearing the notes, I'm often hearing the beat, I'm hearing the things within the music, not just having it as background noise. So all of these things when I'm walking with my family on the beach, it's not just about walking. There's joy in being with my family, absolutely. But we're talking about the depth here. We're talking about the things that you are consciously and deliberately thinking about. And that could be the last rays of sun hitting your face as the sun sets over the horizon. It could be the sound of the girls laughing and giggling because that doesn't always happen, but they're teasing each other. It could be the lapping of the water. It could be the coolness of the sand as the sun sets and so on between the toes of your feet. These are the sort of things that create joy. But we just live life, I think, and I see this with my coachees quite often, we live life doing stuff. And we live life moving through the motions and being busy being busy. We don't deliberately and consciously enough think about the things that we're doing in a depth that creates an opportunity for joy. So these things are joyful by nature, but it's how well you do them and to what depth that creates the opportunity for genuine joy. And that can be anything. I've just listed a few here. Down the bottom here, there's a series of leadership books. It's not about the reading of books. It's about the knowledge that it creates and the opportunity for my business, Coast Station, to be more successful. Not so I can pat myself on the back, but because I know when I'm working with people and I've educated myself and created depth in my knowledge and capability and skill that Coach Station succeeds because I'm making a difference with and through other people. So again, it could be I get joy from reading. Sure, and I do. But it's not about the reading. It's about the outcome and the outputs where I recognise the things that are going to give joy to others that enables me to feel that same joy in return. So it's reciprocal. And it's an important point to make in terms of socialisation. We talk about relationships and we talk about connections. Often people confuse that with friendships. Now, it can be a friendship, but it doesn't have to be. But we need to understand each other to a level where we can connect. Now, to connect is to know what someone else cares about. To connect is to know what they value. To connect is to know what they're motivated by, as I mentioned earlier on. But we often— and I see this all the time in the work that I do in coaching— We often assume that because I care about it, then you will care about it. Because I value that, then you value that. I see it through my own lens, through my own eyes, and I assume to know who you are and what you want and what motivates, because that is what I'm motivated by or what I care about. It's a massive mistake, because you cannot connect through your own lens only. You have to spend the time understanding other people and understanding what they're about. to be able to reciprocate that. That's what connection is. Connection is not a one-way street. It requires both parties to care enough to bother to find out. So relationships themselves are important, and it's incredibly important to understand that as humans we are tribal, we are social. The reality is that we get our greatest joy, for the most part, through the times that we spend with other people. And in actual fact, there's quite a bit of evidence to suggest suggest that we need to spend about 6 or 7 hours per day with others to find those greatest opportunities for happiness and then joy. Now that could be at work, it could be at home, it could be at the dinner table, it could be in any forum, but when you're spending time with other people it creates that opportunity for joy and to meet that social need for who we are as humans. A couple of other points I've got on the slide here, these are themes or trends that I've seen through coaching over many years now that I really wanted to highlight because I think we— I'm going to talk about this in a bit of a negative light, but I think when we get this wrong, this is one of the challenges or the negative aspects of our opportunity to feel joy. And perspective and a lack of perspective is something I'm seeing more and more commonly. I'm not judging others, not being negative for the sake of it, but I do want to recognize the fact that if you don't take the opportunities for what they are, and by that I mean it could be a bad meal at a restaurant, It could be a relationship that you know isn't quite going somewhere, so you end up breaking that off or whatever it might be. You have to understand why that isn't working and why that meal is not what you wanted or why that relationship isn't working for you. And they're not good things to go through. I don't wish anyone to have bad relationships, but you have to have those experiences to know what a good one looks like. You need to know what a bad meal is so that when you have a good one, to appreciate the fact that that is good compared to something. It sounds really obvious, but I do find a lot of the conversations I have in the work I do, people do lack a bit of perspective and they see things with a very narrow lens. And they see things from a perspective of, well, that's what I think is important, or that's what matters to me, or that's my experiences, so now I'm implying that that's everyone else's experiences. So we do need to have that opportunity to gauge or gain perspective because of the experiences and the exposure that we have. But again, relating it back to joy, only if we're consciously thinking about it. So if we're not consciously aware of those moments, good, bad, and indifferent, then we tend to find that our perspective stays pretty narrow. You may have heard of the term locus of control. For those that haven't, just a quick explanation. An external locus of control is someone who generally feels that the things that happen around them and to them and their life is led by decisions that they have very little control over. So stuff happens to me. An internal locus of control is the belief that the majority of things that occur occur because of my choices and my options and actions and so on. Now rarely in the work that I do is there right and wrong, good or bad, but I'll say in this case there is a right and a wrong, good or bad. You definitely want to focus on having an internal locus of control. And some of you with kids have been introduced to what we call a growth mindset. You might have heard that expression. It's related, it's not the same thing. What's the difference? But it's that opportunity to know you have influence and control over your own world. Now, having an internal locus of control allows you to feel joy. It allows the opportunity for joy because you know you have some influence and control. An external locus of control, at its extreme, is what I would call a victim mentality. And generally hard to find joy in things when you don't think you have any control over that. So, think about that in terms of your own world and how much you own it. I do find this is Growing more and more. I'm not sure if it's about technology and social media and some of the challenges that we have in our world now. I think the disconnects and the opportunities for these have been lost a bit for both perspective and locus of control and our relationships because we tend to be head in the screen a little bit too much at the moment. So food for thought just in terms of perspective, locus of control. I'll come back to that at the end, but something that maybe you can think about from an action for yourself or potentially as you're working and assisting others. The Harvard Business Review wrote an interesting article I found only a couple of weeks ago which is very relevant here, and it talks about a team environment and that joy arises from harmony, impact, and acknowledgement. And I wanted to talk about this only because I think particularly harmony is a bit of a misnomer. I'm not saying harmony doesn't matter, and harmony is an incredibly powerful attribute or team trait that has a lot of power, but where it gets misrepresented and where it links to joy is that I think that Often we think of harmony as about agreement, and we think of harmony as being, we're all on the same page and no one's arguing and we've got a bit of groupthink happening and life's good in terms of team. I think the power actually is less about agreement and more about understanding. But when I talk about understanding within a team, it is the sum of the parts. A team works well when everyone's playing their role and they're all contributing. Not everyone on the team has to have the same skill set. We're not trying to get the tide to rise so everyone knows everything about everything. Has the same capability and so on. The work that I do in terms of teamwork is often about breaking down the barriers where people don't understand each other enough to know why someone has done or said that in the team. So often we judge it negatively because we see that and go, well, for what I value and who I am, I don't understand why you would have said or done that, and I think that's foolish or wrong. What you think doesn't really matter at that point. The reason they've done or said that is the whole point. And when it comes to leadership, this is an incredibly important aspect. Because the more we look at things from our own lens and the more we do things based on our own view, as I mentioned, the more people are going to resist it because it's not relatable to them. At its extreme, that sort of behavior is called coercion, and coercion could not be more different than effective leadership and influence. It's literally the opposite. So when we've got harmony, it's less about agreement and it's more about an understanding of each other. And by that I mean I'm not going to look at you now and think I wouldn't do or say that. What the hell have you done that for? I'm going to look at it and go, I wouldn't have necessarily done or said that, but I know you well enough to know why you have, and I understand your perspective on that. It's an important difference. Now, I'm not saying that every relationship and connection you have is going to have that same depth. It's variable. Every relationship is different. But when you're consciously thinking about those opportunities to create harmony because of understanding, now you've started to talk about the opportunities for joy. When there's resistance and we're not— and we're seeking agreement, that I think the joy is watered down to some degree. When we talk about impact, it's as literal as it sounds. We're really talking about the opportunity to know that what I do or what we do makes a difference. What are the outputs? What are the outcomes? And survey after survey, both individually and for teams, shows that one of the key aspects of success comes from knowing that what I do has some contribution to something. I need to know that I'm a cog in the wheel somewhere. Most people don't need to be the big cog, But they do need to know that what they're doing contributes in some way. So we need to be consciously aware of the impact we have as individuals and also the impact that we're having as a team. Again, when we've got harmony and understanding and we've got that sense of knowing what we do makes a difference, we can start to potentially create the opportunity for joy. The third aspect there is acknowledgement. The obvious acknowledgement that we often talk about is a leader acknowledging someone's performance. performance. Absolutely fine, 100%. I talk about this a lot in the coaching and the leadership development, but it's not only that. Self-acknowledgement, I would argue, is as important. And one of the risks that I see with humans and the way we see each other, and I'm going to talk about this in the last slide a bit more, but I think we're very critical of ourselves. And part of the challenge of acknowledging is to see ourselves what it is. And I talk about see the reality, not see the hypercriticism or the Arrogance. So either seeing it for what it isn't because I'm overstating it, or being overly self-critical and seeing the risks where they don't exist sometimes. That's what accountability is. But when we overstate that and we think about these things from a self-criticism point of view, from a risk point of view, you know, that's got huge damage. That's where self-esteem gets damaged. If you think that way about enough things, that's where your self-esteem over time will diminish and diminish and diminish. The good news is that when you think about these things in reality and with a bit more positivity and what you can do about it to learn from it, then you have the opportunity to build that self-esteem up. So in terms of team, it's very much about acknowledgement as a unit of each other, but also how we acknowledge ourselves. Joy is an attitude. It doesn't mean that naturally spending time with family is always going to be joyful. It doesn't mean socialising in every case is going to give joy. But it creates opportunity for joy. And if we're not socialising, if we're not thinking about the influence and some of those other points, then you won't see it as something you can learn. You won't see it as something that's an opportunity. You'll generally see it as a bit half glass empty and, well, this just happens to me, what choice do I have? So think of it as an active thing. Joy is not passive. Occasionally you'll be at a wedding or the birth of a child or some of those major life events That is very real. That is joyful for the most part in itself. But we're not talking about those major events that happen occasionally. I'm referencing the things that occur day to day that we are taking the time to acknowledge and recognize and finding that joy in the little things. Like I said, the sun on your face on the beach, the stopping riding your bike instead of just being so focused with your podcast happening and not thinking about and consciously aware of those things around you. It is an option. One of the previous slides, it talks about that most of our happiness is about things that happen to us to a degree, but we have about 40% control over what happens to us in terms of our joy and happiness. So do we have full control? No. Do you have some? Absolutely. Comparing can be aspirational and active and positive, or it can be, I wish I was more of that, I'm envious of that situation or that person, whatever they might be. So when we're comparing and it becomes a negative aspect, it's because we look at that person or the thing and we wish that that was more of who we are, but we don't actively do anything to make that happen. So comparison in itself is not wrong, but how we use that information to advantage or disadvantage is the point. So when we're comparing, it's fine if you see something in someone and you say, I want to be more of that. Great. Actively take that on board and make it part of your development. No problem with the comparison there. But when we see it and it becomes jealousy and envy and/or judgment where I'm looking over the fence and going, why am I expected to do this when, you know, this team over here or this leader doesn't do that? And when we start comparing in that aspect, it has a very negative— and it's a slippery slope— a very negative connotation. And again, over time, you will find that your self-esteem and your sense of internal locus of control will diminish because you're not comparing for positive, you're comparing for negative. For comparing's sake. Being fair to yourself. Overly critical, and you are going to find that that's a very, very strong detriment to your opportunity to feel joy. This is an interesting one. At the end, I'll direct you to a TED Talk which actually does a great job of explaining this. But when we focus on the past or the perceived risk of the past and not the present, we tend to find Again, we're a little bit too critical of self and we see risk where it doesn't exist. People will say, I can't do that for this reason. I say, great, so how many times in your life has that reason actually occurred? And I say, in the last 12 months, when was the last time you made a genuine mistake? I'm not talking about an error on a document or something, we make those all the time. As long as you learn from it, that's fine. But the opportunity to learn from it needs to be taken. But we often talk about these things in the past as if we make fatal errors. every single week. And again, it goes back to that point of, you know, I did a good job of that presentation, but I don't acknowledge the 9 things that I did well. I'm really being critical about the one that didn't, right? Emphasise the things that are because they are. Think about the past in reality. If you know that you've made mistakes and you've learned from it, then that's a good thing. That's a positive thing, like thumbs up. If we are critical of self and we're thinking about the past as if we're constantly making error, for some people they almost feel shame, which is a much deeper feeling of I'm a bad person rather than I've done the wrong thing. That's a problem. And again, you've got to see these things for what they are. No one else is talking about that one thing that didn't go so well in the presentation. Right, just see it for what it is and be fair to self. You need to be mindful. I've talked about this in a few of the other slides, but mindfulness is not necessarily just about meditation. It's about being focused in the moment. So every time you're doing something where you have the opportunity to be aware and conscious and deeper understanding of what that is, make sure that you're focusing on those moments. Because the joy comes from the little things and the accumulation of little things much, much more commonly than the great things and that, like I said, the birth of a baby or those sort of examples. So again, being conscious of those moments and being aware, really incredibly important. I would say if you take nothing else away from the half hour that we're talking today, that would be the key piece for me. Probably that and the over-criticism of self. Connections only come through understanding each other. I talked about that earlier. I won't talk any more about that other than to say If you don't spend the time to focus on that in your relationships, then you will naturally assume, as I mentioned, that others are going to see it the same way as you. That is a mistake. You cannot influence from your own perspective. You have to be seeing it from yours and others' perspective along the way. I do a lot of work around values, personal values, and it's a really important aspect of who we are. It's not the only trait or attribute, but when we understand what our core values are, then you can take control of Situations and you can make sure that to a degree you're hitting those values more. So if I know my core values are X, Y, Z and I assess them out of 10 and I say at the moment generally they're hitting 6, 6.5 out of 10, then I wonder what a 7 looks like. You know, if I really value X, I wonder what I could do in my life to make sure that I'm just having X met a little bit more. Now the other important thing is I wonder what other people value. Oh. Now just because you value those things, as I've mentioned, that doesn't mean others value the same. So the opportunity to understand that is where influence and connections come from. You cannot do that by guessing. That is then creating an opportunity for the social aspect that is really important, linked to joy, to be possible. If we're not focusing on others and what they value and who they are, and we're only seeing it from our perspective, there is a strong, strong detriment to the opportunity for joy. Creativity and self-expression. These are fascinating to me. We're born with the opportunities for creativity, and as kids we often find those opportunities for art and play music and all those good things. When people go back to their passions and go back to their creative side, it does create a sense of balance in their life that they found had been missing often for decades. And it can be an incredibly important space for that creation of an opportunity for joy because they've got that sense of balance. Yes, my work is busy doing this and my family life is busy doing this, and I have an outlet over here which provides opportunity for me to really create balance, but it's more than that. It's an outlet for the sort of things that do give great joy in themselves, those things that have a direct correlation to joy. So again, a bit of a challenge to each of you. If you have a creative side and it used to be a bit of a hobby and it was something that you were interested in, maybe it's time to pick it up again. And again, it doesn't have to be a day a week. It could be half an hour here and there. But it is important to find those things and again, know what gives you joy or the potential for joy. And then actively do something about it. Again, it's a choice. It's an option. I've talked about the internal locus of control. I think that makes enough sense for now, but I would say it's not only your internal locus of control, it's also encouraging this in others. Help others to understand that the more they see things from an external locus of control, the more they're being a victim to that, the less opportunity for them to find a connection with the things that matter to them. Them and their opportunity to find that contentment and that sense of care for self and so on are being detrimentally impacted when we're not seeing the control that we have on our own lives. We talked about actively seeking things out. I won't talk anymore about that. The last point here is an important one: sharing and gratitude. Interestingly, being social, it's less about what we get, more about what we give. That seems obvious. I think for those that are giving by nature, they know that instinctively. But sometimes it's not just about giving money, by the way. It can be, but it's often about giving time. It's often the opportunity that you're presented with to be part of someone else's world and to have a genuine impact. And that sharing aspect, that avenue to influence because of the time that you're giving or the skills that you're giving or the aspects of who you are that others aspire to or want more of can be incredibly rewarding and it can be an incredible opportunity for both you feeling joy But most importantly, others to feel that joy. So it's interesting that within the sense of joy, there is a biological need or a biological reaction. When we do give our partners a kiss or pat our dog and they look up at you with this love that they do, or whatever it might be, there is an actual physical response to that. And there are chemicals in the body that respond to that. And that's the— they're the sort of things that create the sense of joy. So it doesn't take much. Right. But it can also have a simplicity to it. And sometimes it is as simple as the simple sharing activities where you're looking for those moments to give your partner a hug or whatever it might be. But the sharing aspect is important, and the most important aspect beyond that is gratitude. I do believe that we live life to the fullest, to the most degree, and we're busy being busy. And we're busy doing good things as well. It's not all bad. Many of us, and people in this room, The nature of the work that you do is fantastic. It's very giving by nature. It's very contributing. It's community-based and so on. So many of you would feel this in the day-to-day work that you do. But I wonder if there's a slightly higher level of consciousness that in all other aspects of the people that you are, where we can be a little bit more— I'll call it gracious and humble and having gratitude for what we do. At the moment, there's this pattern, and I think it's a bit of COVID but it's maybe more than that. The opportunity for us to Truly understand and have gratitude for those opportunities and things that we do is there, but we don't always take it. I think we do take things for granted a little bit too much. I'm generalizing, but I think there's an opportunity for us to connect with this at a higher level or deeper level and to feel more joy because we are consciously recognizing the grace and the gratitude that we need to be able to feel that. And it's the opportunity that gratitude creates. So a lot of information, perhaps, hopefully not overload, but I would say to you, if you are someone who understands the social aspects of who we are and that we need to be with other people to create and feel joy, if you are someone who is prepared to put a conscious effort and ownership of who you are and the aspects of your life that you understand give you joy and the things that you do with and for others that create that opportunity for joy, if you are someone who has an internal locus of control and someone who Owns that because you know that you're not being a victim to it, and many other aspects that we've talked of today, then there's a potential for you to feel more joy. It's a conscious thing. It's a deliberate thing. You feel joy in many aspects of your life today, but maybe there's a little something you can do that just creates the opportunity to feel it a little bit more. It's a challenge, but it's something that's worth doing because the benefits of feeling more joy in your life and giving more joy are exponential, and the rewards are outstanding. There's a fantastic TED Talk, a gentleman by the name of Brett Ledbetter, and his talk is called Build Your Inner Coach. It's about 17 and a half minutes. It talks a lot about how we talk to ourselves and talks a lot about being present. The other one is if you Google Happiness 10, the number 10 keys, there's a fantastic resource and it creates an opportunity for you to maybe delve a little bit further, and if you're interested enough to maybe take some actions around that and think, well, maybe I could do a little bit more of that, or that something that does resonate, I can take action around that. Both great resources that would extend this conversation and potentially add a little bit of value to you, and most importantly, you with others. Thank you very much, appreciate the opportunity today, and enjoy the rest of your day. Thank you. Thank you.