Steve Whiteley performs as Wisebowm at The Backyard Comedy Club in East London, mixing stand-up with spoken word. He riffs on his gluten addiction, the misery of freelance IT recruitment, therapy sessions, and his new obsession with weight-lifting, all while positioning himself as an urban poet for introverted thinkers.
Chapters
Hey! My name's Wise Mouth. I'm an urban poet. If you don't know what that is, it's a little bit like a poet but from an urban area. I come from quite a tough environment, a place in northwest London called Edgware. This lot come to my gigs every time. Growing up there, we had this local one-carried mugger called Isaiah, or as I used to call him, one Isaiah than the other. And he was awesome. I grew up in a very, very small semi-detached house. And, uh, it had a driveway, but the driveway had lots of cracks in it, so growing up rollerblading was quite dangerous. It's probably the only further you've got any fans here tonight. That's what I love about my fans, you're very introverted people, you know, real deep thinkers. That's when you reach this level of success and you've got your fans in the front row here. A lot of temptation can get thrown your way. It's really sad, we're about to face up to quite a serious problem actually. It's, uh, don't mean to bring the mood down or anything, but this first poem I'm going to perform for you tonight is about my former addiction to gluten. I used to be on wheat barley and rye. I ate so much gluten that I used to get high. But now I look back and ask myself why? Why, why, why, why? I spent many nights On the street hustling, earning that cash to get the gluten. Did bad things, went to a dark place. Bats, croissants, and Jaffa Cakes. You can filter mistakes. A few more pints, got a loaf of bread. It's either that or I end up dead. There's no way I'm going down that road, so I spend my days in the salad on the go. Caesar, hold on, this one. Now I lost the style, maybe even 'Cause I'm a member of the Free From Crew. So what are you into? Memory loss? I couldn't give a fuck. What is it again? Oh yeah, I'm gluten-free. No beer, no bread, no cereal, man. This is a tricky rule. I'm gluten-free. Spend it less time on the WZ! Thank you, thank you, thank you. That was fun. So guys, as you know, I'm an urban poet, Steve, so— but occasionally, from Monday to Friday, between the hours of 9 to 5, I kind of like freelance in IT recruitment. We've got any freelancers here tonight? Trust me, the freelance struggle is real. You know what the real struggle is, guys? The real struggle is working from home. This next one is called Working from Home. Suit dressing gown, glass of Bordeaux, rock to the rhythm and I'm going with the flow, 'cause I just wanna take it nice and slow. Beer all day, I ain't getting out there. Not in the office, I'm at home instead. www.draw, what to watch, what to watch. Taking my time, no need to rush. I'm scrolling through, I'm getting in my zone. Broth, you know what time it is. I'm working from home. That's my fans, that's what you lot love about me. I'm just covering ground and no other poet dare go. That's why you come to the gigs, it's all good. Guys, of course it's gonna kick in. It's gonna go working from home. I'm gonna dance. I want you guys to clap like this. All right, cool. Let's do it. Working from home. I thought I'd explain myself pretty clearly there. We're gonna try this one more time, right? I say working from home, and then you guys. Clap like this. Down, down. Working from home. You know, to be fair, this side of the room not too bad. This side of the room, are you lot bang on the gluten or what? First tip. Been staring at the screen for a few hours. Plug's falling out, running out of power. Better bash one out before it shuts down. Yes, bruv, you know I'm gonna town. Down the town, now for the crime. This is it, my moment to shine. Always been a fan of narrative porn. Characters and dialogue, kids with a horn. But then what the fuck, my Skype's ringing. I accidentally put on video and now he's caught me in bed with a semi-oncho! And that is the story about how I left my career in IT recruitment, broke free of the 9-to-5 humdrum, and became the urban poet superstar you see before you. But, uh, it wasn't long, guys, before word got out about me going cold turkey. I received a call from my dad. He says to me, what's all this here about you going gluten-free? I said, I'm making some positive changes in my life, Dad. You should be proud of me. He said, it's embarrassing. You're starting to turn into your mother. You know that. I said, listen, Dad, I can't really talk right now. I'm gonna be late for Pilates. While Pilates was improving my core stability, emotionally I was kind of like all over the place because of that addiction to gluten. I guess what I'm trying to say is, guys, I started to see a therapist. I actually enjoy it. You get to talk about yourself for a whole hour. The only other time I do that is when I'm going on dates. Anyway, my therapist advised, you know, to take my mind off this stuff, I should take up a hobby of some sort. So I thought, you know, living in East London now, may as well do something proper quirky, do you know what I mean? So that's what I did. I'm a comedian. In the gym, weightlifting, jump straight in, fuck stretching. Lifting weights with heaviness gives me so much energy. I'm a white on high, most definitely. But the only powder that I take is the white I sprinkle in my rock t-shirt. That's how I bench, bruv. You should see how much I bench. How much? Well, I don't know the exact amount, but it is quite a lot. Other guys looking in the mirror admiring their manly figures, cycling shorts and Tight, tight vest, bulky quads, a mighty fine chest. But I don't need that to be a real man. The only weight I need is the pen in my hand. Remix! Remix! Sunday, Monday, cousin fights. Tuesday, Wednesday, back and trice. Thursday, Friday, have a bite. The weekend comes, new mates for fun. Get into one for you. These days are hard.
