Wisebowm @ Pull The Other One

My name is Wisebaum. I'm an urban poet. If you don't know what that is, it's kind of like a poet but from an urban area. We got any of my fans here tonight? Woo! That's what I love about my fans, they're very introverted people, you know? Real deep thinkers. Guys, when you, when you reach a certain level of success, a lot of temptation gets thrown your way. And it was earlier in the year I realized I had to face up to quite a serious problem. So this first one I'm going to perform for you now is about my former addiction to gluten. I used to be a meat, barley, and rye. There's so much gluten that I used to get high. But now I look back and ask myself why. I spent many nights on the street hustling, earning MPs to get the gluten in. Your reference went to the dark place. Waffles and Jaffa Cakes. 3 of the biggest gluten mistakes. A few more quid for a loaf of bread. It's either that or I end up dead. There's no way I'm going down that road, so I spend my days eating salad on the go. So hold on, he's swallowing. Now I lost a stone, maybe even 2, 'cause I'm a member of the Free From Crew. So what if it leads to memory loss? I could give up. Fuck, what was it again? Oh yeah, um, gluten-free. No beer, no bread, no cereal, man, this is a trivial. Um, gluten-free. Girl, you want to get with me? Eat respectfully. Face down in the gutter, too much shame it brings to your mother. Mum, forgive me! It's time to make a change. Food only causes you pain. And what if this bread tastes like cardboard? I eat that shit 'cause I'm hardcore. Bruv, I suck my food through a straw. The struggle is real. The struggle is raw. Shout goes out to the Tesco. Shout goes out to the Waitrose. Shout goes out to the Sainsbury's. Representing the gluten-free. Woo! So I love you all, my fans. You're introverted, but once you get going, you're in, you're all in. Um, so guys, I know you think this is like some alternative comedy night, but, uh, it's actually a gluten-free convention. But on a serious note, I don't want you lot ending up like me, all right? Trust me, I've spent enough time inside on the toilet. So I'm going to shout out some gluten-free products. I want you not to shout back yes at me. You get me? I said you get me? Yeah! Let's do this. Avocado? Yes! Cucumber? Yes! Walnuts? Yes! Quinoa? Yes! Broccoli? Yes! Spinach? Yes! Wasabi seeds? Spinach! Lager? No! Looks like we got ourselves a middle-class woman in the house. Guys, as you know, I'm an urban pop superstar, but occasionally from Monday to Friday between the hours of 9 to 5, I kind of like freelance in IT recruitment. Have we got any freelancers here tonight? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, trust me, the freelance struggle is real, isn't it? Do you know what the real struggle is, guys? The real struggle is working from home. This next one is called Working from Home. Silk dressing gown, glass of Bordeaux, rock to the rhythm and I'm going with the flow, 'cause I just wanna take it nice and slow. Here all day, ain't getting out of bed. Not in the office, I'm at home instead. www.google, what to watch, what to watch. Taking my time, no need to rush. I'm scrolling through, I'm getting in my zone. Bruv, you know what time it is. I'm working from home. Seriously, guys, seriously, look, you know, that's my family. You lot know as a poet, I just cover ground that no other poet dares go. That you lot love about me. So guys, the chorus is going to go working from home, and basically I go work from home. Then I want you lot to clap like this. All right? All right, cool. We'll do this. Well, rewind. Okay, working from home. Working from home. I thought that was pretty simple. Still early. We're gonna try this one more time. I say working from home and you lot clap like this. Very simple, guys, very simple. Working from home! And do you know what, to be fair, to be fair, this side of the room, not too bad. This side of the room, are you lot bang on the gluten or what? Sort your shit out! Been staring at the screen for a few hours. Plug's falling out, running out of power. Better bash one out before it shuts down. Yes, bruv, you know I'm gonna town. Done the time, now for the crime. This is it, my moment to shine. Always been a fan of narrative porn. Characters and dialogue give me the horn. But then what the fuck, my Skype's ringing. My boss Julian is checking in. I accidentally popped a video. Now he's caught me in bed with the Senegal Show. And that, guys, that, guys, is the story about how I left my career in IT recruitment, turned my back on the 9-to-5 humdrum, and became the urban poet superstar you see before you. Thank you, guys. Um, there's a lot of pressure in society to look good, isn't there? You see it in all the publications, I mean, with the celebrities looking trim and whatnot. And, uh, my good friend Dean, he made a good point to me the other day. He said, you know, it must be— I don't know how, but I think he's got a bit of a nasal problems. Must be a lot harder for you, Brad, you know what I'm saying? Because, you know what I mean, you're well respected. A lot of people look up to you, so like, a lot of pressure on you. I said, you're right, you're right, Dean, there is a lot of pressure on me. But yeah, luckily I started working out, uh, so I can carry that weight because I've got well big shoulders now. Good. All right, go, go, have a feel. You got it. Have a feel. Yeah, there you go, bro. Yeah, I saw you having a look before. You got it. Yeah, there we go. This is what you paid your money for, guys. Yeah. In the gym, when you're stretching, lifting weights is heavily Gives me so much energy, I'm on a high most definitely. For the only powder that I take is the one I sprinkle in my protein shake. Bruv, you should see how much I've benched. I don't know the exact amount, but it's definitely a lot. Other guys look at me in the mirror admiring my well-honed figure. Cycling shorts and a tight, tight vest, bulking quads and a mighty fine chest. I'm I feel like a Greek god without being Greek or a god, but I still got a holier-than-thou bod. Each one of my abs on my six-pack has got a six-pack. It's enough to turn a nun into a nymphomaniac. Remix! Sunday, Monday, butterflies. Tuesday, Wednesday, back and trice. Thursday, Friday, haven't dived. The weekend comes, I've got like a— I have this Bluetooth remote, like a remote control thing where I can operate it from. I shouldn't have bought it because like on Amazon the review said broke down after using it, and that's kind of what happened with me and my ex-girlfriend Samantha. Yeah, I haven't actually been too great as of late, guys. Obviously I have my addiction to gluten. I got over that, but I had a few relapses along the way. Once I had like a whole loaf of hobbits in one sitting. It was white bread as well, so it left me like real bloated. Yeah, and then my best girlfriend, Samantha, broke up, and then recently I saw a post from her. She posted on Facebook a selfie with her and her new boyfriend. They've got engaged, and she'd be like, best boyfriend ever. That's myself in 2 And all her friends would comment underneath, stunning, stunning, stunning, stunning, stunning, stunning. You can't be stunning in every single picture. And even if you are, like, can't you use another adjective? So after that, I'm not gonna lie, I went into a bit of a depression. I kind of hit the bottle. I was drinking up to like 10 pints a day of Evian water because I've been dry so much. I had to hydrate myself, replace the fluids. So this This one's about that. Time to make a confession. Gone and had another drinking session. I'm gonna have to learn my lesson. Hello, fella, what can I get you? Yeah, I'll have a pint of Old Perrier, shot of Volvic, and like 17 bottles of Vivienne. Cheers. I got the H2O flowing through me. Pissing through the night, I'm so French. Oui, oui. Because that's water, that water from water to dribble, drinking by the bottle. I'm going insane. Evian should be my middle name. Right guys, it's a Friday night, let's get fucked up and drink some water, yeah? Pass the water around, guys! We're getting proper fucked up tonight! Here we go! It comes from the mountain, it comes from the river. Drink from this fountain, it's good for your liver. Raise your glasses up in the sky and drink that water or you'll die. Water, water, water! Water, water, water! What's up? Thank you very much for being with us, folks.