176. Tessa + Marcus Romero | Getting Your Spouse on Board

Hey friends, welcome back to the show. Today I have my very, very favorite person sitting about 2 inches away from me because we're sharing a microphone. And this is just a really beneficial episode for anyone that has wondered, you know, how do I get my spouse on board? And I've heard that question more times than I can count over the last several years. So I have asked Marcus to join me on this episode so we can talk more about sharing in this pursuit of family vision and being on the same page and overall getting him on board and his take on that. Before we get started though, I want to remind you that over the next few weeks I'm curating a small group of mindfully living women who are already seeing positive growth in their mindset and they want to take it further, have an even stronger mindset and see it overflow into their communication too. It's called the Speak Life Mastermind. And here's what I know. What gets you to that first feeling of positivity in your mind will keep it in your mind and keep you at that version of yourself. If this is you, you know that because you've been trying to apply mindset to your communication and personal growth and end up feeling stuck. You need someone inside your real life with a proven framework, strong accountability, and to be surrounded by people that believe in you sometimes more than you believe in yourself, showing up and showing you the way forward. So over 6 months, you will work with me personally, plus my framework and each other to strengthen your mindset, nail communication, and be a woman that feels lighter and brighter with every thought and interaction she's in. Our application process is waiting for you in a simple email to connect@momsset.com with the subject line Mastermind to get this conversation and your placement started. I'll reach out to you personally to see if this group is a great fit and what you've been needing. Spots are limited and they will go fast. Now let's jump into the episode. Welcome, Marcus.

Hello. I was going to say, shoot, I need to sign up for that.

We'll get you there. All right. Welcome, welcome, Marcus. You know, you're my favorite person in the whole wide world. I look up to you in so many ways, and there's definitely not a single person that I laugh with more than you. Um, and sometimes the reason why I'm laughing so much is because we think very differently about things sometimes, and sometimes we speak differently about things. I just so appreciate that diversity in our relationship. Um, and I want other people to be able to get to know you too. So for those that have never heard from you, they have no idea who you are, go ahead and give them an introduction so they can they can get to know you too before we get started.

First of all, I thought you were talking about like you like crispy potatoes and I like just regular.

I like my potatoes burnt and he likes it soft, like just cooked normal.

That's what I thought she was talking about. All right, I'm Marcus, the Dad of 4. We've been married for—

okay, do you know how long we've been married?

11 years. Yeah, 11 and a half. But yeah, since having kids, I'd say, yeah, we've— I've learned a lot. The I learned that— oh my God, he just like popped me in the face. Okay, um, yeah, I learned a lot. And it's just the— you do one thing, you're, you're— you think you know something because that's how you were raised. So then you try those things and sometimes they don't come off as natural or they don't they don't feel good when you do them. Like, I mean, I grew up as, I'd say I was a pretty, um, followed all the rules type of kid and didn't get disciplined like too much, but I definitely, I definitely was when I did mess up. But now that I'm a dad and seeing my kids kind of go through stuff like that, I like have a choice of like do I— how do I get them to my goal of— or like getting them to do whatever the thing that I wanted them to do? Do I take this route, which is being like stern, which is like I'd say my natural go-to because I had pretty stern parents? Um, and then you have Tessa Romero as a wife who does things basically the complete opposite, which is just remaining calm and asking questions. And then you start seeing the kids do what she wants them to do without yelling, and then you kind of have to think about like, ah shoot, which should I choose? And then you practice doing one and then slips, the other one slips, you snap a little bit, and then Yeah, Tessa, look at you. And then, and then I asked some questions and then it's just like a learning process that's been going on for 8 years now.

Hmm. So for those of you that this is your first time hearing from Marcus, he, on top of being a fantastic husband and father, um, is recently into running ultra marathons and, uh, does everything legal and responsible for our family. So he definitely keeps us mature and in line, and he brings so much value to our home every single day. And obviously he's extremely open-minded, as he already went into with you guys. He just jumped right into the meat and potatoes of the show.

And that's all we have today. That's all I got to say about that.

Get another dad to listen to this episode and catch those one-liners. All right. And really though, the women listening to the show want to know what is the best approach to get their husband on board too? Because obviously I would advise against the looks directed at your husband. I could for sure work on that. Obviously.

That nonverbal communication.

Yeah. The looks. And I think for when we, when one person decides, okay, I want to do this, I want to be all in on it. Sometimes there's this fear around if we're not both doing it, that could confuse the kids, or it would create like disruption in the family flow, which I totally understand. And I really stand on the perspective diversity is excellent for my kids. I really appreciate that their grandma talks to them differently than I talk to them, and their dad has a different approach than I have. Um, especially with 4, 4 young boys that are homeschooled, I really believe diversity is great for them. So I have no fear around different approaches, and maybe just hearing that gives you encouragement to know maybe it's okay for your husband to have his own timing and approach and pace and way to get to a better way of doing things. But I love what you said about, you know, sometimes you have the urge to do something that just doesn't feel right, and I know I've experienced that as a mother. So now we know men experience that too. Dads are experiencing that too.

You heard it here first.

Groundbreaking. But really, like, in those moments where you handled it in a way that felt awful for you as a dad, what would be actually helpful for me to do in those moments? Um, can you leave for a second?

I'm trying to learn, come on. No, the— I think if you see me having a hard time and you can tell that I'm just a ticking time bomb, that's when you can just prance on over and start doing your thing because I like, I do think it's important for me to do things my way, which may be a little bit stern, more stern than like if it's not. It depends, I think it depends on like the time and what they're doing, if it's dangerous, um, if it's not dangerous, if it can allow for a longer time for explanation, or if it's more of like a, hey, I need to get the point across right now without— I'm not saying that it's like smacking, but that's just like the point needs to be made right away, which I found that a lot of times that I misinterpret that length of time that I think something needs to be done right away. Um, and that's when Tessa asks like 3 questions and then gets the kids to like back to neutral, and then I'm like I had no idea that you— those are 3 good questions.

I had no idea that you observed that. That's so powerful.

Yeah, well, but yeah, so if, if I am at a point to where I'm just feeling like I'm— nothing good's about to come out, I've tried doing asking questions, or— because a lot of it's how they interpret the questions too. If it's like a if, if I'm saying something, they're not understanding what I'm saying in the way that I want them to understand. That's a me problem on the communication side. That's probably what I've learned most from seeing her parent, is there's more than one way. Like, ask— if it didn't work, ask another way. That's why if she just hopped in and asked whatever she's asking, then I'm just like taking notes and also cooling down. But yeah, that's so huge though.

Because sometimes when we choose to do things one way, I think it's important that whatever decision you make as a parent and in your role as a mother or a father, you're doing it because you genuinely want that for yourself, not because you're trying to change anyone else. And that's that become over outcome idea that we've discussed here on the show and in many of my coaching programs, if you're involved there, is to be so hyperfocused on who you are in the moment that any outcome can be trusted and it can be navigated and it can be really good because you just simply loved who you were. And that's the approach that I always take. Um, and it helps me with that calmness, with that clarity, with that willingness to adapt and ask a different question. And it also brought me to this idea though, that for you in the position of a father, and I mean, just last night I had told you I don't know how to be a dad. Like, you know how to be a dad, so you just be the dad that you want to be, and I'm going to be the mom that I want to be. But I don't know how to be a dad. And I think many women could benefit from sitting with that and thinking on that more. Just because you're pursuing this work does not mean you need your husband to change at all. He doesn't need to change at all for you to be the mother that you want to be. And as Marcus just described, when you're showing up as the mother you want to be, there is an impact and there is an influence that it has on him. And I think it can be tricky in the moment to know, like, okay, when do I step in? This is his moment with them. I want to— I do want to see you have the opportunity for things to work out as, as best without my hand in it. So I try to take a step back, and it is really encouraging to hear too that there are times where you're like, yeah, come on, come and like prance in and do your thing, do your thing. And ultimately, I feel like my approach when I do choose to come in is I, I more so like look past the kids and I just look to you and want to reassure you and like have a hand on your shoulder and kiss your cheek and just show you that, like, I'm still on your team is what I try to do. While I'm sure there are times that I definitely go to the kids or I lose that intention or that focus in the moment, it is my goal to keep a focus in the moment on you, remain united with you, step in, show you I've got this. Like, whatever the rush is, whatever the problem is, like, we're bigger than it. And to kind of set that tone is, is my typical approaching goal. And I also think that there may be an opportunity for men to hear, and maybe even for you to hear where you're already really good at these things. Like, I think it's interesting that you said that asking questions and asking questions in a different way or explaining it in a different way can feel like you forget that part as an option. I think it's just so interesting that you thought that about yourself because you worked with hundreds of athletes for 8 consecutive years. And many of them learned in different ways. And I, anytime I got to see you work, and even today when you're writing programs or you're teaching me or teaching our boys form, even with baseball, you quickly change the way you're describing something if it's clear the other person isn't understanding. So you're already really good at that. And maybe that's what dads need more of from us, is the encouragement of saying like, babe, You do this so naturally in this area. It's the same thing, just a little, a little different to help them see the right priority in the moment. Maybe, maybe it's the priority.

Yeah. I was just thinking about that. It's like training guys. I trained college athletes. Training guys is like getting straight to the point.

You trained women too.

Well, yeah. Um, I'm just saying the difference between the training the guys and the girls is the guys that like, you get pretty much straight to the point. Encourage, maybe encourage them a little bit and then talk some trash. And then once they get it, now it's like, now hype them up. That's like kind of the, the pattern. And then with a girl, it's like, okay, does this, does this, like, do you understand? Like, I over-explain. I didn't talk like as loud. Um, there's different, but it's kind of, kind of reminds me of maybe like if you're watching your nephew or your niece, like how you communicate with them versus your own kids. And it's a lot— obviously it's a lot easier to be a lot harder on your own kids because they're your own kids. And, um, maybe your niece and nephew, you give them a little bit more slack, you give them a little bit more grace on if they're doing something that you're like, eh, maybe they shouldn't, but The— yeah, most of it communication, 100%. And especially like in the flip book, which the flip book has like— and this is not just being biased or nothing, but the flip book has really good examples. And there's sometimes where I'm actually in the moment of like just saying what I'm seeing out loud, and I'll look over and it says Quietly observe and say what you want to see, or it says quiet observations, quick correction. Oh yeah, it's that one. Yeah, we've been working on that one. I'll be like, you're, you're literally doing this. I didn't say what they need to be doing, didn't say like any type of— I just basically just dramatically said what was happening in the current—

like, like a dramatized narrator. Yeah, or something like National Geographic for him. Yeah.

You jumped into the tree. Instead of it, like, I'll say, like, what are you doing? Like, on the top of the couch. Tessa's like, put your feet on the floor. I'm like, uh, she told them what to do and I just said what they're doing.

But even in those moments, it never needs to be an attack on you. And I think if you, if you're listening to this and you've noticed that Maybe parenting on the same page and sharing a family vision has become a source of conflict between you and your spouse. I would really wonder and just first imagine like, okay, in what ways has criticism existed in this environment? Because it does take a lot of vulnerability. Everything Marcus is sharing here is so vulnerable to say like, oh, and then I observed Tessa or I am, I'm willing to notice how I only said what they are doing instead of what I want them to do. There is so much vulnerability involved with admitting our room for growth and our, and our faults that I'm sure as a spouse, if you feel attacked by me, you would never want to tell me your weakness. You would never want to tell me or reveal where you would like to be better because that would be a point in which there'd be fear of being attacked. Yeah. Maybe I overthought that.

Just most issues with parenting and between spouses is communication. And it's funny because the end goal is you just want to raise good kids with good character. And between a spouse, you just like, you want to be friendly, loving, all graceful, all of these things between your wife and yourself, and it's like, that's just a matter of thinking something and then saying something in a way that's going to get you to that end point of what the end goal is. So if you're in an argument, which we've had our arguments, and sometimes they end up just kind of just being like pointless, like after like 5 minutes, I'm like, I'm— I do not like arguing, and I'm just like I don't want to argue with you right now. And then it's like, still, I'm some— whatever I did to annoy her, or—

my communication has improved over the course of our marriage, and it still has room for growth. Absolutely.

Yeah, but it comes down to just like, most problems can be squashed so fast just based off of if you guys are on the same page on the end goal of what you want in a marriage or with your kids, in the relationship, in both of those areas, it comes down to just knowing how to get to the end point in the most peaceful, efficient way.

Which I'd say you're excellent at.

I'm just a man of few words, so—

Ah! Okay, well, next question. What about— let's say there's someone listening and they, they have this idea of getting their husband on board. What do you feel, in your perspective, is a word of encouragement for her to hear from you around also seeing that her husband may still have good intentions and be doing the very best he can with where he's at and what he knows? Like basically he is doing his version of the work and he's getting himself there in his own good time and pace rather than just being where she's at immediately when she's there. What encouragement do you have for her in knowing this is a good man that wants good things and may just have a different approach than you?

That's a good one. The— I'd say, um, like getting— if you're— if your husband is doing what you think he should be, or you want your husband doing something a certain way and he's already doing it in his way, I think that there's— I think especially in marriage, it's just good to adapt to, kind of like, I've, I've always been kind of open-minded like she was saying. And I think it's important for every relationship to kind of just— obviously it's not your way or the highway on either side, but it's just like, okay, it's just like learning from two different— like, I had, I had two mentors in, in strength and conditioning that, like, one taught— they both taught the same thing really well, and I liked both of them. So then my style was basically all of the things that I liked from this person, and then all of the things that I liked from this person, and then formed my own way of coaching and communicating. And in a marriage, it's the same thing, to where it's like, I like— like, I feel like I need to be stern sometimes, and I think it's important for the kids to to, to hear it. I think it's important for them to, to teach them how to, like, or just like get them or see how they respond to like that. If I'm a little too hard, then I can— that's why I could, for me, I should be like, okay, I need to back off a little bit, readjust, and then, and then say it a different way or whatever. But And then also go back to kind of the things that Tessa does really well and then use some of those. And it's like using the things that I like I do and then using the things that I know that she does that works and merging my own way of doing it. So I think it's important for the guy to realize that there's always room for improvement because obviously my, my way is not the best way. Um, Tessa's way I would say is probably close to the best way. So I'm just constantly learning on like what works and what doesn't work and then making adjustments.

I love that so much, and there's so many good takeaways in that. And I think my encouragement for the woman in this position where she's thinking, you know, he's not doing it exactly like me and thinking like me and speaking to the kids in this tone and disciplining in this way, like there's so many factors that fall into it. I love what you're saying here too, that we can sum up into understanding that there is something for you to appreciate and admire and focus on as a good characteristic, a good attribute, a good approach that your spouse takes. And where we're choosing to put our focus is going to make an enormous difference in just the way we look at our spouse. And if you're looking at your husband like he is just out of control, he's a terrible dad, he's a terrible partner, you made a big mistake— like, the— all of those thoughts are revealed through your eyes, and there's no hiding it once you think that. So if you're looking at your husband like that and he's already doing the best he can to his mental and physical capacity and what he knows how to do, just just as Marcus said, with, you know, your upbringing and you're just working with what you know and then learning from there. And if you're looking at him like that, you're not going to get any closer to the unity and connection that you want to see with your spouse through parenting anyway. It's just going to drive a larger wedge. So taking what you're saying and also just putting something very practical to it. Look for the good in your spouse and look for the good in his approach. And sometimes the good is his intention, and sometimes the good is outside of the moment you just witnessed. I know for Marcus, um, gosh, I mean, I think it's funny that you say that my approach is close to the best because I learned so much from you every single day as a parent and as a person. Maybe that's why you just taught me the best way. Here I am being all sincere. Um, yeah, I've, I've learned to be playful with the boys because of you and to value just the time spent connecting instead of so much structure, sometimes unnecessarily, and rushing to like a bedtime and a schedule that I definitely have strengthened with the scheduling, and sometimes I put too much emphasis on it. And you've helped me see the bigger picture and like what really matters and all that. And I really see the ways that it's grown my maturity. And if I— I think this is just such a clear example of seeing the good in you and wanting to learn just as much from you that I want you to learn from me. Like, if I come to our parenting with a desire to learn from you rather than to teach you, I take a completely different role. And if we both take the role of learning from one another, naturally we will reciprocate better. And we will, as you said, merge and grow together with each other's strengths as one. And I love that so much. And a really practical example of this is with bedtime. I, you know, get really focused on these schedules and I'm working on slowing myself down with that and reading longer just because, and like saying silly things to the boys and, and, and having more fun with it. And he definitely tops me at the strengths of like storytelling and, and shadow figures on the wall, like just so much bounding creativity that I'm like, I, I'm not sure I would have ever thought of shadows like on the wall or a story like that. But they have like all these story series that the boys love and You know, I would have never taught him that. So my, my point in that though is if I were to have approached our parenting with this desire to change his way of doing bedtime, assuming my way is the best, like this is the time we need to start, this is what we need to do, which interestingly I did try to do that with Liam. Like I was very much, he needs to be in this sleep sack and this is his binky and the like blackout curtain, this crib. This time, like, I was so controlling and it was honestly because I felt so afraid. Like, I truly felt terrified of the sleep situation. So I had so much control over it and I have a lot of grace for myself. And if I were to have continued pursuing that in our parenting, just to try and get you on board, like, I think what I'm trying to get at is what is it that we want our spouse to get on board with? Do I really want you to get on board with extremely structured and scheduled bedtimes that are done in this way, and we have to read this book for this long, and everyone's in this position in their beds. Like, do I want you on board with that? No, no, I don't. So I'm glad that this came up in the episode because this is very unscripted. I did not write questions in advance.

I didn't know what this is going to be about.

We, we were like, hey, we've got 25 minutes, want to record an episode together, and here we are. So yeah, I think in takeaway from this episode, we can wrap it up. Number 1, knowing what it is exactly that you want your spouse on board with and really getting honest with yourself. Okay. If he was completely on board with this and bedtime looked like this every single night, would I really want that? Would I really want bedtimes absent of laughter and absent of flexibility and absent of creativity and warmth and love and connection and in slow paces and great memories? I would never want that, but that's the reality of what we're saying. So number one, be very intentional of what exactly you're trying to get your spouse on board with. My second biggest takeaway is to have a desire to learn just as much from your spouse as you want him to learn from you, and to look at him as he's someone that you're learning from rather than someone that you're judging. So really focusing on your eyes that way. Our sweet darling 4-year-old just walked in. Come here, sweet pea. I'll let Marcus share his last two takeaways, and then we will— or two or more. Those are the two that stuck to me the biggest.

I think, I think a super important thing to focus on is like what she was saying, is focusing on— if you're always focusing on the negative things your spouse does, I think that is going to dictate how the next like 10 years of your marriage or the next 20 years of your life is going to be. If you're always constantly saying, oh, he always does, he always does this, and he always does this, and it's always negative, it's like, so what does he do that's positive? And if you're like, oh, he is so good at bedtime, and like, if you speak those things out loud, especially to each other, I think they're going to do those things continuously better, opposed to if they constantly hear the negative thing, they're probably just going to keep doing the negative thing. So I think it's really important to, to speak on those, to speak life over your, your spouse.

Yeah, and also magnify the good and speak life are both lessons in the flip book. So everything that we're saying, and I like put it in the flip book, and I'm telling you, the book is freaking good.

Um, it's on the— it's on— we obviously, we have a couple of them, but I'm constantly like, what is she trying to tell me right now?

Because sometimes I feel like she flips it to a certain page and she's like, I have never once flipped it to a page that I want you to read.

The one I'm looking at right now says reframe can't with can, which is one that I— hey, you can't do that. That's like, well, you can go over there. And I was like, well, that would be more— that would be more direct. Um, I think, yeah, the, the second point would be just to, I think, just know that you can improve whether you're the wife or the husband or the mom or the dad on what works. If your, your kids are just like sponges with so much more to, to learn in their childhood And I really think that just learning how to— just learning how to get what you want from them is going to be you improving your communication, because that's what I've experienced. And, and that's what I think it takes to just raise really good kids, is how well you communicate and parent.

And regardless if your spouse decides to communicate more like you or share a parenting approach just the way that you want to do it. Diversity really is excellent for a family culture, and we can learn so much from one another. And it's really the frame of mind that we bring into these moments that our kids are adopting. And maybe your spouse does do something that you don't necessarily agree with. You still have an opportunity to teach your children an, an excellent frame of mind that elevates them And connects them back to their dad and keeps the family united rather than creating wedges and distance within, uh, family members. So there's just so much that we're all learning every single day. Loads of grace. Um, just keeping intention within the family and within each day. And ultimately you're never going to regret being the mom that you want to be, being the wife that you want to be. Regardless the outcome. So let that be your focus. I'm really grateful that you guys joined us today for this episode. Marcus, thank you so much for bringing so much value, perspective, and laughter for us to share in. It's easy for them to see just in a quick 30 minutes why you're my favorite person on the planet, I'm sure. And yeah, I hope that this episode served you. Be sure to follow the show and leave a review if this helped you. I would absolutely love that. It really helps more mothers find this good work and get involved and see what's possible for them too. And if the show helped you and you have a friend in mind that has been mentioning this getting her husband on board type of idea, or maybe you want to share this with your husband and he might relate to something Marcus shared, um, or I shared, please do so. We love, we love growing the community and seeing the way that we can see positive thoughts and spoken words take place in every single home. So I'll see you guys later. You wanna say bye, Drew?

Say bye.

No. Bye.