177. Regret, Sadness and Motherhood | Feeling on Purpose

I believe with every single ounce of my entire being that we can be the women that we want to be, the mothers that we want to be, the wives that we want to be right now in the circumstances that we currently have. Before anything and anyone changes or improves or, you know, sings a different tune, before anything like that happens, you can make the shift. You can decide for yourself and make the change. And I believe this with my entire being because I've seen myself do it. I have become a strong-minded mother and a woman of faith. And to me, knowing that's how— who I've become over the years and through this process has built up irrefutable evidence for me. And I know that you can have that too. And it really seems that lately life has put its hands on my shoulders very firmly and given me a good shake. To pay attention like a good little Tessa Romero. Look at this moment, see it for what it is, call out the details that you love and, and be the person that you want to be in it. And it's felt like such a generous experience for life to give that opportunity to me and to unfold in that way. So I love to take times like that and share them with you because I know that you can be a strong-minded mother too. You can be a woman of faith. You can be someone that believes in best-case scenarios and, and being who you want to be in challenging scenarios that you end up feeling extremely grateful for. Being able to look back on your whole life and say, wow, I love who I've become so much that I would relive all of the hardest parts just to get exactly where I am here today. And that's how I feel about my life. And it's so freeing to think from that place rather than tremendous amounts of guilt for how we handled things prior. And that's what I wanted this episode to be about in terms of motherhood. And it was inspired by a beautiful conversation that I had with a friend and a heartfelt moment that I had with my family. And, you know, I believe that guilt is a healthy feeling. Regret is a healthy feeling. Like, oh, I feel regretful. I feel guilty. I feel sad. These are all very healthy feelings. And I also believe that we are the creators of our emotions. It's not our circumstances creating our emotions. It's our thoughts. It's our thoughts. What you're thinking about the circumstance decides how you will feel about it. And between those thoughts and those feelings, you are greatly influenced into what you're going to choose to do next. So with motherhood, I had this moment in my front yard with my boys and I was watering my garden and it's summertime here. I absolutely love the summer. The garden's in full bloom and I'm just sitting in my grass watering the garden and my little baby, he's about to be 2. So I guess, should we call him a toddler? We'll call him a baby. My baby is walking around me side to side and like, come to this part of the garden, come to this part of the garden. And he like pulls petals off of flowers. And I just love that he loves to be in the garden with me. And honestly, even if he's like tearing the flowers apart and picking flowers, I love it. I've considered this garden to be just as much theirs as mine. And I love to see what their little hands do in the garden to explore and the textures and the colors and the feels. And I'm, I'm watering the garden. So my baby's going around me picking petals and pulling flowers. And my 4-year-old recently learned how to ride his bike. So he's going down the driveway, flying down the driveway into the street and up the next driveway and back. And his confidence is just bursting at the seams. And I'm, I just feel so happy for him to experience this sense of freedom and, and adventure and accomplishment. And I see my 6-year-old. And he's on a motorbike. He has an electric bike. So he's got this big Spider-Man helmet and these cool little riding gloves. And he's going up and down the street. And I love watching them do that. And my 8-year-old's playing with a friend. He's truly the most social, friendly person I have ever met. And I love his social skills. And he just beams and he's got a pep in his step. And he's just himself. He's always himself. And as I'm sitting here watering my garden and I'm examining each of my kids and I'm just observing each of them doing what they love, between the garden to riding bikes to going fast on a motorbike to playing with friends, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude, just so deep in my gut gratitude for the safe space that we're in. I felt so grateful that I live in an area where my kids can ride bikes and we can be outside and I can have a garden. And I can just— I have a life where I can sit in the grass and water the garden at 3 o'clock in the afternoon and watch my kids ride their bikes and see the way they play with their friends. And I felt so grateful for that. And I felt really grateful for watching, watching my, my boys grow their confidence in different ways. I feel extremely grateful for having 4 boys. I've shared here on the episode very frequently that before I ever had kids, I told my husband, I want 4 boys. Like, I would just love to be a boy mom and have 4 boys. And by some miracle of a way, literally a miracle, I was given 4 boys. And I see all 4 of my boys out here And I'm literally in the very life that I dreamed about. I'm in it. And I just, that overwhelming feeling of gratitude also felt a little bit like sadness. Like I just had this sad undertone in the moment. And I, and I noticed this throughout some of my days with my kids where, you know, they're just all playing really sweetly together and I'm baking a loaf of sourdough and I'm, I'm I'm really being the mom that I want to be. And my husband comes in from running. I mean, he's training for an ultramarathon and that alone blows my mind. And I just feel so inspired by him and grateful for our youth and our health and our activity levels and the lifestyle that we're creating as a family to love activity and love being outdoors and to push yourself to run 100 miles. Is I felt so grateful for all of it. And in times like that, when my sweet sweaty husband comes into the kitchen and his sweaty face and he gives me a kiss and he tastes all salty and my boys are playing, there is just sometimes this sadness that I feel. And I've never really like taken the time to consider it deeper until this last week. I was talking with a client of mine in one of my mastermind groups. And just a reminder, my September mastermind is coming up. So if you are someone that wants to be in a, in a small group setting with me for 6 months to develop an incredibly strong mindset, identity, and communication style, this is an extremely faith-based group. So we bring scripture throughout the entire process and you're learning sustainable frameworks to show up as who you want to be, not for me to tell you who to be or for me to tell you how to think. You'll definitely have your thinking challenged and gain new perspectives that set you free. If you have perspectives that are hurting you and harming you and they're leading you astray from who it is that you want to be, I would love to challenge those. And in my mastermind groups, that's exactly what we do, and we take everything back to scripture to support it. So if you're interested in a mastermind like that, I'm currently spending the next few weeks cultivating this group. And you're welcome to email me connect@momsset.com with a subject line mastermind and let me know what is inspiring you to send that email. Why is it resonating with you? Do you want to grow your faith? Do you want to have a strong mind? Do you want to be someone that speaks life over others and you're tired of stopping yourself and feeling afraid to do it? I want you to build the life of your dreams. Just by being the best version of yourself, the version that you really want to be. And that's why I run these masterminds. So you're welcome to email me for details on that. So I had this conversation last week in my mastermind group, and one of the girls in the group was talking about that some— she was asking me for coaching on it, and she said that she has this sweet baby girl that's 1 year old and she's pregnant with her second, and she's in love with her husband. I mean, This woman truly inspires me every single— she knows exactly who she is listening to this. And everyone in this group feels so inspired by her. She has the most adoration, eyes of adoration and heart of gratitude and posture of faith where she just radiates love, radiates love, especially for her husband and for motherhood. And she's in this mastermind group and she was telling me that it just feels like it's all going by And like, time is fleeting. And when we pushed on that some more and I challenged that perspective, she's like, it's not that the days feel all that fast. Like, I feel like time is just time. Like, the moments are the exact amount of time. Like, 10 minutes feels like 10 minutes and an hour feels like an hour. So it's not time. It's just this underlying idea that it's fleeting and it's all passing and we don't get it back. And we ended up bringing this into pretty much like this emotional payment we make. Like as mothers, we all experience these emotions and the emotion is never the problem. Feeling sad, feeling guilty, feeling regretful, feeling grateful, feeling just this craving for more of what you have, those aren't bad feelings. Our interpretation of them, our perspective of them, in what way are we creating them and perpetuating them? That's where we really want to put our attention. So I told her, you know, imagine like this is a woman that her and I and everyone in this mastermind group, really, we share this desire to love who we're choosing to be in the days that we have because they're precious. They're precious. And our children deserve the mother that we want them to have, and we deserve to be the mothers that we want to be. And honestly, when we look at the reality of it and the severity of it, it is enormous. It's an enormous accountability to know this is the only time I get to do this. And while that could be avoided with blaming, and it can be tamped down with, with blaming other people, and, you know, you can try to dodge the severity of that by justifying behaviors. Like, there's all types of ways that there's conversation and there's messaging around 'it's too hard.' I really believe that we're being called up And if we just decided to answer the call like we can, we would love what we create in the process. We would love who we become in the process. And I really believe that every mother feels this. What she chooses to do with it makes an enormous difference because there are sometimes that this fleetingness feels like it's, feels like it's happening. And then we, we go to avoidance and to an escape mode and we waste time and we reach for our phone. We want to distract our mind because that just feels too painful to think about. Feels too painful to think about the fact that this is the only time we get to do it. And regardless of where you are in your parenting, if you're, if you're 30 years old, if you're 40, if you're 50, if you're 60, this is the only day you get to be that old. You get to be this age. And I think about that. I'm 31 years old and I'm just coming to the conclusion I'm a fired up 31-year-old. Like, I am just a fired up, strong-minded mother, woman of faith. It's just who I am. So I, I love where I get so passionate about things, and it whole— and I, I just, I feel it calling me, and I answer the call. And when we were talking about this idea of like sadness in the moment, our willingness to just feel the underlying sadness that this is the only time we get to do it. And this is the only time they're going to be 1, or in my case, 2, 4, 6, and 8. This is the only time that I'm ever going to be 31, just like this in a kitchen doing sourdough. And it doesn't mean that these are the best days of my life and they're never going to— like, life's never going to top this moment and this day. That's not what I mean. It just means that the moment that I'm in is worth savoring. It's precious and it's sacred. And what I'm creating, what I'm building here in the moment is worth staying present for. It's worth recognizing as a once in a lifetime opportunity. And that's what you have listening to this episode. You have a once in a lifetime opportunity that you are in right now. It may feel like you're always driving in your car on the way to take your kids to school. You're always in the car on your way to the grocery store. Or head into your in-law's house. Like, we're just always doing these things. Tessa doesn't feel like once in a lifetime to me. You may do some of the same things repeatedly, and there will never be this day, this time, this age, this exact moment again. And when we wake up to that, and how I said life just kind of felt like it's shaking my shoulders a bit and asking me to pay attention And the conversations that I'm having in my coaching, my mastermind groups, here with you, with my spouse, with my kids, they're all so profound. Even with the most simple concept, simple word, it's feeling so profound. And I love that level of presence, and I want it for you too. So it does require us to look at the severity of the moment Knowing, okay, Tessa, this is the literal only time I get to be in this moment. If I'm lucky, I'll get more moments, but what I have right here in front of me in this moment, driving the car, taking my kids to school, is enough. It's plenty for me to be who I want to be in it, for me to make this special if I want to make it special, peaceful if I want peaceful, and, you know, purposeful. Like, what do you want? You can create that right now. And when you experience that underlying sadness, if you go trying to escape it, you're going to end up paying the price of regret. The more you escape the days that you're in, especially with your spouse, especially with your kids, especially in your youth, the more you try to escape these days because there's a little bit of sadness, there's a little bit of guilt, there's a little bit of difficulty challenge, hardship, whatever it is, the more you try to escape them, you will pay the price of regret later. And that's what I was telling my client in the mastermind group and where we were coaching on perspective here is you're a woman willing to pay the price of sadness now, and you will never pay the price of regret later because you are fully aware as much as we possibly can access in our capacity, the preciousness and the sacredness and the miracle of this moment with your, with your family and this, this, this delicate season that you're in where it's young love and, and youthful motherhood and, and third trimester pregnancy with your 1-year-old still learning so many things and you're putting so much intention to it. Where, yeah, sometimes you're going to feel tired because you gave so much, and there are times you're going to feel sad because it's fleeting. And when you pay the price now and you remain present in it, are you going to feel regretful later, wishing you would have just loved it when you were in it? You would have seen how wonderful it was— it all was in the exact circumstance you were in. And what I love about this too is when you have decided mentally that something is happening for you, it is impossible to be convinced otherwise, that it's happening, that it's happening to you. I'm going to say that again. With the belief, the conviction that something is happening for you, it would be impossible to be convinced that it is happening to you. Happening for you, happening to you, it's just a, it's just a belief structure in which you experience life. It's your view of the world. What if you viewed the world as it's happening for you? And you absolutely can. That's how I view the world. Everything is an opportunity. If my husband comes home in a bad mood because he rolled his ankle on the trail, true story, and he ended his run short and he's feeling a little bit stressed about the training and he wants to be ready. And this is my opportunity. This is my opportunity to get the ice pack, to serve him seamlessly, to listen carefully, to provide encouragement where wanted and desired, and just to be a peaceful, giddy presence and prance over his way in, in the way that he can count on me for. I may not be able to prevent you from rolling your ankle or like from things just happening. I sure can love who I'm going to choose to be for you though. And the same thing with our kids. When's the last time you just took a second to take it all in? You sat in the grass and you watered the garden, you let the baby pick the flowers, and you let the kids ride their bikes, and you studied and observed the way they socialize with others, and you just took it all in and you realized, my life is so good. I have so much to be grateful for. And sometimes that does— like, when you focus really closely on the good— and this is maybe why some of— some people are avoiding it, because when you look so closely at the good, you realize how much you like it and how much you want it and how much you love being here. And maybe some people start to feel afraid of losing the things that they like and love and want, so we just stop looking at them. I'm so afraid of losing it. I'm so afraid of what it would be like without it that I'm just not going to focus on it, because that way when it leaves— and we know it's going to— it won't hurt as bad. How can I miss the thing that I didn't even pay attention to? That's foolish. That's absolutely foolish. And then the worst part, like, the worst part in all that is one of two things. One, it's going to pass and our kids are going to be off bikes and driving cars, out of the living room to play board games and into a dining table for a date. They're going to be out of our bedrooms and into their own home. And then we're going to be left feeling regretful that we didn't just enjoy it while we had it. And that doesn't mean it's always going to feel easy. But even in the difficulty, you have opportunity. And who you're becoming in the process, focusing on that, that's when we start to truly experience gratitude for difficulty because it's now presented as an opportunity rather than something destructive that we fear. We see the little— we see the pretty wrapping paper on it. We're like, oh, I want to open that up. I want to see what it's all about. And we're the ones that get to cast that perception onto the experience. So if you're in a position where you're like, maybe it's, maybe it's again, the love for it is what you feel afraid of. It's not even the difficulty of it all, because you do want to be a certain version of you. You do want to be playful and you do want to be lighthearted and present and purposeful and intentional and grow your skill set to memorize recipes and create a family cookbook or have those things that your kids ask you to make for special events and occasions. Like, you want these experiences, and it does require vulnerability for us to live in the moment loving it. That's such a vulnerable experience. To say, I'm really here and I really love it so much that I want to squeeze every ounce I can from this because I know it's going to pass. Whereas the alternative is, well, it just feels sad to think about it fleeting, so I'm not going to think about how it's fleeting. Well, then we end up handling things in a way that we really don't— we really don't like and we feel very guilty about, and later in life we feel very regretful for. So to me, I look at it as I am willing to pay the emotional, the emotional dues upfront in motherhood rather than on the backend, paying, paying the price of regret on the backend and then paying the price of shame on the backend and anger and resentment and staying in these places, especially especially while we have young children or even teenagers that we want, that we want to be fully present for. It's really challenging to be fully present for the people in our lives while we're still thinking about our past. So we have the opportunity to be the mothers that we want to be, to live the life that we really want to be, strong-minded mothers here and now in the moment, focused on the present. At peace with the past, a little excited about the future, whatever that might look like. Not getting so fixated on these are the best days of my life, I know it just can't get better than this. You don't know that. You don't know that. Everything in your life is leading to something, and it's all important in the, in the building of and in the process of. So I'm just encouraging you that sometimes when you feel a little sad in the moment, when you stop to think about all that you have to be grateful for and everything that's available to you and how just the miracles taking place and your opportunity in it all, if it feels so overwhelmingly good to think about those things, and that's the part that you feel most intimidated by is Tessa Romero Romero Romero, what if I love it so much that it just feels sad to see it all pass by? I am telling you, pay that emotional due right here, right now. When you have the feeling, pay it. Because if you go trying to avoid it, you're going to be on back pay, in debt emotionally, and that is going to be that feeling of regret. I personally would rather feel sad now than regretful later. A little sad now, but I know it's fleeting. A little sad now that my baby's already almost 2 A little sad now that I'm, I'm closer to 32. And like, we're all aging, we're all getting older. There's so much unexpected. Like, I'd rather feel a little sad now than regretful later because I didn't enjoy it. I didn't realize the opportunity I was in. So I'm encouraging you that when you feel tired now or sad now, just pay it up front, friend. Pay it up front. And even that, even that little bit of sadness, even that little bit of tired or a lot of tired can be a part of you experiencing what it's like to show up fully, to give freely, to be the strong-minded mother and the woman of faith that you are. And removing everything that you're not. I really think that becoming in life is more about just removing the things that you're not. Removing the fear, removing the hurt, removing the projections that were cast onto you, removing the judgment, removing the criticism, removing the victimhood and mentality, because that's not who you are. And when you remove all those things, you start to realize, wow, I really actually quite like who I am. Thank you. And I am unique. And there is something special about me. And you start to really appreciate what's so unique and special about others too. So this is absolutely possible to you. And I have so much passion around it because I know that you can have it too. And I enjoy it so much that I just want it for you too. So I hope this episode touches you today. You're willing to feel sad now instead of regretful later. Feel tired now instead of regretful later. We'll have more episodes to come about our emotions. And I'm working on a few special things to be able to start providing to you, uh, so you can bring this work more strongly into your house right here, right now, in any season, um, that you're in. I would just love to be an advocate in your corner, a guide, a coach, a leader, because I live this work. I live it. If I didn't have a podcast, if I didn't have social media, if I didn't have anyone to talk about this with, I would still be living it. And the wonderful thing is I just, I love to share it. So I'm extremely grateful that you're here. It means a whole lot. And if the podcast is something that improves you and really speaks to you, make sure you get on the email list because I send every Monday a Moment of Mindset, my mom email to help you improve your mindset. For that week as well. It's a good little focus point, and I'd love to have you on that email list. So I'll link it below for you. I'll see you guys later.