178. Your Kids Don't Decide the Mom You Want to Be | When Fun is Met With Disappointment

Hey friends, and welcome back to the Momset Podcast. I'm Tessa Romero, and I'm absolutely obsessed with this mission of us being the moms that we want to be no matter where we go or who we're with. And what I had the opportunity of experiencing this past week is even being the mom that I want to be when my kids don't necessarily approve of it, especially right away. And it got me thinking about all of the times that I have gone out on a whim, I've acted spontaneously, got a little playful, and it didn't seem like my kids really appreciated it or they saw my effort behind it or my vulnerability in it. And sometimes their reactions to it, I've taken really personally. And I had a really great example of it this last week that I thought I'd share here because I'm certain you've had, you've had experiences in this too. So, Basically, your kids don't get to decide the mom you get to be. They don't get to decide the mom you want to be. You do. I want you to hear that again because I lived this one this week and it cracked something open for me. Your kids don't approve who you are. They don't sign off on it. They don't grade it. You're the offer— author of who you are and they're just the audience and you can't be the author and the audience. Simultaneously. When it comes to the mom you're choosing to be, you've gotta remain the author and let your kids, your spouse, and everybody else be the audience. As soon as you move into that audience seat, you're no longer deciding who you are. And today I'm going to show you how to take that pen back, really write the story. And I've got one tiny thing you can do before bedtime tonight That'll prove it. You ready? Let's go. So picture this. I'm out on a run with my darling husband who's been training for ultramarathons and is far more trained than I have been saying my hobbyist trail running self is. And he's so kind that he just continuously invites me out to the trails and I really, really enjoy it. And we were running in Las Vegas about 10 o'clock in the morning and it was dreadfully hot. It was already approaching 90 degrees. And you're out in the desert. So there's really no shade. There's not much breeze, and it takes quite a bit of heat training, as my husband calls it, to adapt to that climate. Well, this was a 2-hour run and I was in it to win it. I buckled up, buttercup, and I got myself there. And this was the kind of hot where you start bargaining with yourself about how far you're actually going to go. So I would just keep looking around the environment and further ahead on the trail, like, okay, I'm just going to make it to the base of that hill and then I'll power walk up it. I'll power hike up it. Or, okay, I'm just going to make it to that bend. Or let's get to this point. Let's get to this point. And being very intentional with where my mind was going during this run. So I'm focused on that. And meanwhile, I'm just drenched in sweat. I'm putting ice cubes in my sports bra, drinking my electrolytes, drinking my water, doing what I can to cool down. And honestly just slowing down whenever I wanted to, truly. So as I'm going through this though, it felt so hard. And then this idea popped into my head and it was so fun that it literally— the idea was so fun that it carried me through the last hour of that run. So the last 4.5 miles of this desert run, um, on a trail, this idea and the imagery and vividness that I could imagine it all, carried me through, and the whole thing flew by because I was so excited. The whole last hour in the heat, the same circumstances, I improved my running cadence and had a great attitude because of where my focus was at. So here was my plan that I envisioned and meditated on for an hour while running in the desert. I had this plan that I would get back to my in-laws' house where my kids were staying, and my in-laws were watching my kids while my husband and I were on this run, and I would be a fun mom, like the spontaneous mom that comes comes in drenched in sweat, smelling like maybe showers have been non-existent for the majority of the last year. Like, I smell so bad and I'm drenched in sweat, so hot. And I just had this idea to go and scoop up my 6-year-old and jump into the pool with him fully clothed. And I thought it would be so fun because with my 6-year-old, I love the opportunities that he invites me in to play with them. And he's the one that like invites me to play so, so much. And there are times I'm like, oh yeah, I'll come outside with you and watch, or yeah, I'll do that with you and I'll do it for a few minutes. And it's an area of my motherhood that I've been really wanting to see myself be more fun and spontaneous and lighthearted and realize that the days and opportunities that I have to be all in on their play and jump into a pool fully clothed with my kids anytime we're at a pool together are fleeting. And I want these to be core memories and core experiences with each other. And for me to have the opportunity of just being the mom that I want to be. And it sounded so fun to scoop him up and jump in the pool. And in my head I could see the whole thing. I was— it was going to be this magic, spontaneous, fully clothed swimming lesson because I also was thinking about how this is about the age that my oldest son learned to swim without a life jacket and he's had this great advantage of having so many opportunities to do it that I'm like, hey, my 6-year-old's totally ready. I just got to be in the pool to help him do it. So it's going to be fun. I'm going to get cooled down and then we're going to turn it into a swimming lesson and he is just going to be so pumped. Like in my head I could see my 6-year-old's face, like his eyes wide and beaming like, Wow, my mom just jumped into a pool fully clothed. This is so cool. Like, without warning, she just scoops me up and takes me. And that's totally all of my kids' personalities too. So in my head, it was just going to be magical, like a magical core memory. So we finished the run and I tell my husband my plan because I thought it'd also be really fun if he grabbed our oldest son and we each jumped in the pool with our two older boys, fully clothed and like this whole family experience. And my husband was bought in. He's like, yeah, let's do it. So we get back to my in-laws' house and my boys were just barely finishing a movie over there. They were watching The Sandlot and they just finished it. So I took off my running bag and I also took off my shoes and I stayed, I'd stayed clothed and I scooped up my 6-year-old and I walked him to the backyard, just chatting with him like, uh-huh, yeah. Like the run was like this, like, oh, that's your favorite part of the movie. So cool. Just chatting. And then my husband grabs our oldest and we both make it out there. We open the pool gate and he's like, what are you doing, mom? And then I just look at him and smile and I jumped into the pool holding him. We both go underwater, we pop right back up and I've got this big smile on my face and I did it. We got there and I followed through on the mom that I want to be and the vision that I have. And my husband jumped in with our older older 8-year-old. And it was so, so great. And it was so fun for me. It was so fun for me. And my sweet 6-year-old felt very upset with me. He felt very angry that I did that. And it really surprised me because in my head, I thought he was gonna love this experience with me. I thought he was gonna love this version of experience with his mom and my, like, I'm not caring about my hair getting wet. I'm not caring about my mascara. I'm not caring about the clothes or anything. And I thought that was such a win. And then when I came up out of the water and I was the only one smiling, it kind of set in that he felt really mad. And he did not at all, at all for the next 20 minutes respond the way I predicted. I definitely made predictions and he definitely broke my predictions. And there I am soaking wet, thrilled. And he's crying in my arms and yelling at me. And he's crying about being wet and whining, you did that. And I'm standing in this pool going like, what? He's like, you didn't even let me close my— plug my nose. And I'm in my clothes and I don't want to be soaking wet in my clothes. And I walk him over to the pool step and have him standing there. And my mind is kind of reeling at this point. Like, how did we get here? I just was the coolest mom ever. Like, in my definition, I'm the— the coolest mom. That's fun. That's spontaneous. That's thrilling. And that took a lot of vulnerability for me. That took a lot of courage for me. That got me through the hardest part of my run. What do you mean you feel upset? So my mind's spinning. He's blaming me for all kinds of things and clearly feeling like he had been wronged in all of this. And it was, it was It was just real in that moment for me to face sometimes being the mom that I really want to be is not approved by my kids. They're not signing off on it. They're not as enthralled by it as I am. And here's where it gets real, because in this exact moment, I felt the pull and two old scripts came knocking, and I bet you know them both. The first one is the shame spiral. I can't do anything right as a mom. Why even bother? Why try? See, this is exactly why it's not worth the effort. And right behind it comes the second script, the victim script. I'm so unappreciated. He's throwing a huge fit and ruining this. I can't even have one nice moment with them. Here I am trying to be the mom that I want to be. And he won't let me. Those two, the shame spiral and the victim script, they feed off one another and they take you away from being the mom that you want to be and loving what you choose to do next. Because as soon as you attach to the shame spiral or the victim script, I'm not saying as soon as you have a shame spiral or victim script, I have them too occasionally. It's attaching to them. It's believing them, believing that you're unappreciated, believing that you can't do anything right as a mom. Sometimes I have those thoughts too, and I peacefully observe them, and I keep my hand open like this. Like, I just imagine the thought is in my hand, and I'm just reading it, observing it, and then letting it pass and getting back to and clutching tight to the truth. And here's what I want you to catch because it's so sneaky. Both of those scripts do the exact same thing. They take your kid's reaction and they let it decide who you are. Both of those things, the shame spiral and the victim script, when you're trying to be the mom that you want to be and your kid's responses to it are much different than you were anticipating, you're passing them the pen. And what I'm encouraging you to do is keep the pen in your hand. You're the author, not the audience. Love what you're coming up with. Love who you're being. And accept that sometimes the audience might just feel disappointed. They might have other expectations. They might have wanted to see it go another way. You're the author though, and it takes a lot of courage to be on that stage in front of an audience, letting people see you standing in the light, doing what you want done, creating in an artistic way and living out the visions in your head. Takes so much courage. And I want you to live from that place. I want to stay in that place. So imagine that full picture. You do something good, something fun, something you love, and someone else doesn't like it for their own reason. And you pick that up and wear it like it's a verdict on your whole self. But your kids don't get to approve and decide who you are. You do. So here's the framework I want to give you. 3 beats. You're the author, not the audience. So beat number 1, decide who you're being before the moment. That's what happened on my run. I decided I'm a fun, spontaneous mom. I care more about jumping in the pool than getting— than keeping my hair dry. I'm the fun, spontaneous mom before I ever got in that pool. I was in the middle of a desert, the furthest thing from a pool. Okay. There's no ponds around. There's no rain. There's no little trickles of streams. There's no water. At all out in this desert, just on my water pack. And yet I decided in the desert to jump in the pool. And that decision is yours to make, and it's made in advance. Make the decision on who you're being before the moment. Make it in advance. Beat number 2, follow through. Even knowing the outcome is not guaranteed, I jumped in, I did the thing. So make that decision and follow through, even if there's some uncertainty of exactly how your spouse or kids may respond, what their first thought is going to be about this version of you. Follow through anyway, because you're following through on being the intentional author of your character and your mindset and your behavior. And as a whole, your life. You're put— you're keeping the pen in your hands and letting yourself have an audience, and they are responsible for what they think. Beat 3, and this is the one that saves you: let their reaction be theirs. Witness it, don't wear it. Because when I actually listened to my son, you know what I heard? I didn't get to plug my nose. I wanted to be in my swimsuit, not my clothes. It's too scary to start without a life jacket because I I tried explaining to him as we're in the water, I wanted to help you learn how to swim without a life jacket. I'm right here. You can start on the step and, and jump to me. We can do this now, right here. And that's just not at all the way he wanted it to go. And that's not a review of my mothering. That's a 6-year-old telling me about his nose, his swimsuit, his fear. His reaction was always information about him, never a verdict on me. And so I got to stand there wet and chose to— chose the truest thing I know: I love the mom that I am, and I'm so glad I jumped in the pool. And even when it goes differently than I imagined, I love my part. I love that I get to learn every single time. I love that I get to be a peaceful witness of his growth. A peaceful witness, not a punching bag. Their reaction is theirs. Your identity is yours. They're just the weather. It's the weather in which you're experiencing it in. And as my son— I told you this went on for 20 minutes— he's telling me, I didn't get to plug my nose. It's too scary to go without a life jacket to start. And I don't want to be in my clothes. I want to be in my swimsuit. And I took ownership of my part. You're right, buddy. I did. I scooped you up and I jumped in the pool. I thought it would be a really fun thing to do together. And I see now that you wanted it to go very differently. This is the way it went this time. And I'm happy to learn from it. And as I'm saying all this, I'm literally climbing my way into a pool lounge floaty, just accepting like, this is the outcome I'm in. This is it. And I still thought it was so great that my husband and I were soaking wet in a pool, that we were the parents willing to do that. And here I am just lounging on a pool floaty in the, in the Vegas sun, getting a good tan and ready for my son to participate in the fun when he wants to. I'm in the fun. I'm participating in the fun now. When he wants to join in on that fun, that lightheartedness, that spontaneity, spontaneity, that thrill, he can. And I'm gonna do it all along. It's so freeing to parent from that place. And as I heard him talk about his nose, his swimsuit, his fear, I was workshopping in my brain, what are the solutions here? What's the problem-solving way to approach this? I took my ownership. I did apologize. And I let him know, next time I can absolutely ask you first if that's what you really want. You want mommy to ask you anytime and every time before we jump in a pool together? I'll do that until you tell me otherwise. I'm happy to do that. I'm also really glad that I did it this time because it's the mom I want to be for you. The ownership, the clarity, the next steps, what I learned, and still letting him be responsible for his entire 20-minute reaction. And my mother-in-law pops out. I said, "Hey, would you mind grabbing Lukey's swim trunks?" And we solve that problem. He gets his swim trunks. And I say, "So it sounds like you want your life jacket." He's like, "No, I really want to learn how to swim." Okay. So we're kind of like piecing things together. And it was just so important that I observe it instead of wear it. I'm the peaceful witness, not the punching bag. And it's— we have this opportunity as mothers to decide that role because we don't decide and we don't control what our kids say. So it's pretty useless to just tell children, you can't talk to me like that, and I'm not a punching bag, don't talk to me like that. Well, why are you taking it all personal? Why are you taking it all as like a personal attack on you, personal hits? What I hear is him talking about his nose, his wet clothes, his fear. I really love the mom that I'm being. I really love what I did. I'm really glad that I did it. Stepping into that spontaneity, getting my hair wet. That's like a big thing for me is like the hair wash days, girl, the hair wash days. So that was a big step for me. So Wrapping that piece up, let's get into your action points so you can have that quick win today that shows you I'm the author, they're the audience. I get to be the mom that I want to be and I've got to be the one deciding who that version of me is and then letting everybody else acclimate. Let them ask questions, let them get a feel for it, let them get used to it, especially if it's all new and different. It also requires vulnerability. For the people in our lives to adapt and acclimate to new characteristics that you're wanting to put on. If typically you've been really rushed and urgent around your kids and now you're trying to be more slow and steady and you've noticed some urgency in them, it just takes some time for everyone to get on board with the pattern. It doesn't mean it's always going to be that way. And that's where ownership is so important. Instead of going for the shame spiral and the victim script and attaching to those things, you look at it and see your part. I can totally see where I've modeled urgency and rush. We've had a jam-packed schedule. I totally get why you guys are asking me, what's next? What's next? What's next? What's next? And what I'm telling you is I've opened up the schedule. We're taking our time now, and I'm willing to protect that and hold it for you until it becomes second nature for you, just like rush and urgency. So take your time. Join me here when you're ready and then you enjoy the peaceful pace that you're setting. You see, it's the same. This specific example leads into so many others. So I want you to be clear on where this is showing up in your life. Okay, so here's your quick win. And I mean today, this is a win today before bedtime. This one's small and it changes everything. I want you to finish the sentence out loud. I'm the mom who blank. I'm the mom who is fun. I'm the mom who is present, warm, brave, calm, silly. You pick the word, then do one tiny thing that proves it. So for me, I'm the mom, I'm the mom who is fun and spontaneous. And the one tiny thing to do to prove it was to jump in the pool fully clothed and, and act on that vision that I could see so clearly in my head. That was my one tiny thing that proves it. Just one. Before you overthink it, before dinner, before the day gets away from you. Small counts. Small is the whole point. It keeps it sustainable. And here's the part that fires me up, fires me up for you. Decide right now in advance that you will not collect the reaction as your grade. However your kids respond, that is about them. Let it be about them. Be the peaceful witness or the peaceful observer of how they're feeling and what they think about it, and see the bigger picture. You're the author. What do you think about what you're writing? What do you think about who you're being? That's where your grade and approval comes from. Do you love who you're being? Do you love what you're doing? There is a 100% chance that you will be misunderstood in this life. So it's most important to know who you are and why you're doing what you're doing. Make sure you approve of it. Make sure you love it. Whatever they do, your children do with this version of you that you most want to be. Maybe they light up, maybe they shrug, maybe they have a full meltdown about being wet. You already won the moment. You followed through. The moment you followed through is when you won. The rest is just a cherry on top. It's icing on the cake. It's learning more about your kids and about yourself. The win, though, the real win, is the moment you followed through. It was the decision before the moment and the follow-through of it. And that's it. One sentence, one small, one small thing, and you keep the pen in your hands. Because being the mom you want to be that was never up for their approval. Being the mom you want to be is not up to anyone else's permission or acceptance of you. Being the mom you want to be is an internal pursuit. It's internal work. And I know from personal experience, and thus I know this for you too, you can be the mom you want to be no matter where you go or who you're with. So you're the author, not the audience. Witness it. Don't wear it. You're the peaceful witness, not the punching bag. Go be the mom you decide to be today and let— and let me know the sentence you finished. I would love to hear, how did you finish that sentence? I'm the mom who blank. Send it to me with the one tiny action that you have chosen that proves I really am that mom. And that ultimately is the win that we're going for. I'm cheering you on today and every day that follows and comes in between. And this is truly the most important work for us to be doing. And I love seeing how seriously you take this, just like me.