183. Do You Validate Thoughts or Feelings?

First and foremost, I need you to know that you can be who you want to be no matter where you go or who you're with. You can feel any feeling that comes and love the way you show up with and in that feeling. I've seen myself do it. I've seen thousands of other women do it, and I know that you can do it too. This isn't some mysterious, mystical, only available to other people that haven't had the kind of life that you've had. type of work and skill set. No, it's completely accessible to you too. And it does require you to put in some work as well. I have filled countless journals over the years. I have been in thousands of circumstances where it felt like I was betraying my emotions by doing something that didn't look like anger and it didn't look like resentment and it didn't look like tired. And called myself up when negative perspectives and old ways of thinking were coming back up. I mean, thousands of real experiences, not just moments that I'm in my own head, but real circumstances where I'm engaging with other people. I live this work. I view every single circumstance as an opportunity for me to be who I want to be in it. And if you adopt that mindset, before we even get into this episode, Do you really validate your feelings? This is going to help you so much, and it's going to show you what it's like to actually put in the work, because I know you're someone that's willing to. You just need a framework to plug into. So that's what I'm going to give you today. But I want you to just really adopt the mindset that you can be who you want to be, and it is these circumstances that you're in today with the current feelings that you have and the current thoughts that you're already working with. And the children and the spouse and the house that you already have. That's everything you need. Who you are today is exactly what you need to become who it is that you want to be. You know me, I say this repeatedly, nothing and no one needs to change before you do. And once you do, your whole life changes. It is the coolest thing. So in this episode, we're going to go Through kind of exploring and digging through, are you actually validating your feelings or are you validating your thoughts? Because they're 2 very different things. And I'm going to walk you through a writing exercise that I absolutely love, especially when my mind is really fixated on a certain perspective and it's feeling really difficult to flip it and shift it. And then all the same feelings are coming from it. So there's a few things that I want you to understand before we get to that writing exercise. I would love for you to either write along with me, so have a pen and piece of paper, or listen to this episode once through and then go back and do the writing exercise portion when, you know, you maybe have the time and the concentration in order to put more effort into it. That would be great too. So with this idea of validating your feelings versus your thoughts, I really perceive that Socially and culturally, we are taught to validate our perspectives. We're taught to validate our thoughts, and I never really hear that talked about. I think it's important though because our thoughts are not facts, and it is true. It is a fact that our thoughts create feelings. So as we're told, like oh, you know, I've heard this, and I know you've heard this too: validate your feelings. You need to validate the way you feel, and how you feel is valid. Like there's this whole. push and message around that. And I agree with it. How you feel is valid and it is necessary to validate your thoughts and name it to tame it. And you got to actually feel it if you want it to move through you and to be able to experience something different. Absolutely. I call it the feel it skill. That's absolutely important. And in order for you, for you to keep authority over your feelings, which is what I teach you in Strong Minded Mother, feelings is one of our 5 pillars. That I coach you through. In order to keep authority over your feelings, you've got to be good at feeling them. You've got to be good at validating them. More than that, though, you need to also recognize where they came from. So let's back up, and I want you to share this language with me: thoughts create feelings. Children whining do not create your feelings. A man running on the opposite side of the street from you does not create your feelings. Your husband coming home at 8:30 PM does not create your feelings. Some of my examples may seem more intense than the others. A baby waking up at 1 AM. My sweet 2-year-old's been coming into my room, literally climbing out of his crib. This is his new thing. Climbs out of his crib, comes into my room, slams the door. Bless him. And climbs into my bed. And he does that around 1:00 AM. And him doing that does not decide how I feel. So if you want to feel more empowered as a mother and like very hopeful that you can become who you want to be, you must lean into this science. It is science. It is a fact. No amount of not liking it changes it. So I have Agreed to like these facts very quickly because I know that hating it doesn't change it. And that took me a while to get to, but now I'm definitely in a place where it's like once I find a fact, I immediately accept it. So for you, start with really accepting it is my thoughts creating my feelings. It requires a lot of surrender to get to that place. And it's in your surrender that You feel lighter. In your surrender, you are giving something up. You stop fighting so hard. You stop trying to be the biggest thing in the room. Surrender is a beautiful thing. So I want you to surrender into this. Thoughts create feelings. Not my children, not my spouse, not other people, not my environment. My thoughts create my feelings. So that means whatever you're thinking about your husband getting home at 8:30 PM is what creates the feeling. And that takes us to our second part. Before we get into the writing exercise, I need you to know this: there is a difference between thoughts and facts. So our thoughts are our opinions. Someone could have a very different opinion about the same thing, and they can both be quote unquote true. And we can, and we can empathize with the other person's perspective. We can see where they got that perspective from. But it's not a widely known fact. Facts are widely known and agreed upon. So the temperature outside is a fact. If I think it's too hot and you think it's too cold is the thought. So you want to be really good at separating facts from what you think about them. And the writing exercise I'm going to give you is going to help you do that. And it's very, very freeing. When you do this though, you're going to realize some of your thoughts that you have, you hold them so high, like you put them up on this pedestal as if they're facts, and that is greatly harming you. So a strength that I have developed over the last decade is mental flexibility and adaptability with my beliefs. I am willing to be more loyal to my vision than my beliefs. Because if I have a belief about my kids or about my spouse that's preventing me from fulfilling the vision for my life, or belief about myself that's preventing me from pursuing the vision that I have for my life, I want to be more loyal to the vision and willing to change that belief, change that thought. Understand that is not a fact about me. Like, I am If I— one of my visions, like this big vision that I'm after, is to have a family compound. And I want my— I want to have a— I want my home to be there, and I want my boys to have the opportunity to build a home on this property. And I want a connecting trail that links between all of our houses with plenty of space and trees between. And I want to be really close and involved in their lives and love their wives and help them with their children. Like, I literally have such an in-depth vision. All the way up to who I am as a great grandma, great grandma Tess. I already like see her very clearly, and I know I've got a lot of maturing to do to be that version of me that has a family, realities and family cultures, and and respects my daughter-in-laws and what they want for their children. Like I'm really grateful that I get to start today because I can see where. some of my quirks and perspectives would create some complications in relationships with my boys in the future and even with their wives. And that's personal work that I'm doing so that I'm ready when that compound comes, because I know it's coming. I know that's who I'm going to be. My point in all of this though, is the only way I'm going to become the version of me that thrives on this family compound, that has complete tolerance for others, that feels untouchable by my circumstances and thus unbothered by them, And has incredible relationships with my adult children, their wives, my grandkids, all of that is to make— the only way that that's going to happen is for me to catch and improve every limiting belief that I have about myself. So if I have a limiting belief that says I am way too selfish or I'm way too immature or I'm way too introverted to have myself in an environment like that, I'm just like not that kind of person. That is not a fact. None of those things I just said are facts. So if you are convincing yourself, you're selling yourself on a story, a belief that conflicts with your vision, your brain— without putting your brain to work, by default, your brain will fight to keep those versions of you and those beliefs about you alive rather than fighting for your vision in life. When I— for another example of this, when I first met my husband, so this is one I've actually lived through instead of my family compound being up in my head and all over my journal. I'm going to have a family compound one day, guys. I hope that you have a dream that you truly prophesize and you speak about it as if it's happening next year. That's how I talk about it. It is right around the corner. But a more relevant example of this I've actually lived through is both of my husband and I wanted to be stay-at-home parents. And we talked about this when we were dating 12 years ago, and we had no idea how we were both going to be stay-at-home parents. We were earning $10 an hour in our jobs. We both worked. And for the first few years of our marriage, he was bringing home most of our income, which was still very low. So it didn't look like being stay-at-home parents was going to be in the cards for us because income-wise, We both needed to work. Like there would be no way to pay the bills if that were just like, oh, we're just going to stay home then. We knew we needed to be more creative and flexible than that. So throughout this journey though, once I had my first son, you guys know I started an online workout community to fill the financial gap between what we were earning and what we needed in order to just stay afloat. And we were in a $400 deficit. Wow. So I started an online workout community and then that organically grew into coaching and mindset and me seeing like, wow, I'm actually really good at this. Like online workouts, I think they're fun and I'm really good at talking through a workout. To this day, I could run miles with you and talk the entire time. It's quite a talent. I still think that's a talent of mine. However, my real gift is perspective. Absolutely. My gift is perspective. And that's what I like to operate in. And since then, 4 years ago, my husband became a stay-at-home parent with me. So now we're both stay-at-home parents. It took 8 years to make that happen. But I want you to see, if I had any beliefs about myself or my husband that conflicted with that vision, I would not accomplish it. If I had convinced myself, I can't be an online creator, I'm just, I don't have that type of outgoing personality, I'm not confident on camera, I have nothing valuable to say. to other people. Those are all thoughts. And I've had them. If I had kept them though, I would not be in the position that I'm in. And that is going to be extremely relevant to us as we get into this writing exercise. Your thoughts create your feelings. Yes. And stop validating the thoughts that you have and start being more loyal to the vision you have for your life. than the current comfortable thoughts that you have had for years and are making no progress. They're just keeping— they're literally just keeping you comfortable. They're repetitive, they're redundant, and they're limiting. Get more loyal to your vision than your current set of beliefs. Be willing. That's what I was telling you. I have grown that skill set. I am willing to change my beliefs about myself, about other people, about life. In order to get the vision that I want. I will be more loyal to my vision than to my beliefs. And I want you to adopt that mindset from me. So the reason why this writing exercise I'm going to walk you through is so effective, because it starts to train your brain to separate facts from your thoughts. And it also allows you to see just how quickly you start validating your thoughts. And flipping it, scrutinizing your feelings. You do this. I teach clients to validate their— validate the way you feel and scrutinize what you think. So validate feelings, scrutinize thoughts is what we call this. And that's what you're going to call this, this page. So at the top of your page, you're just going to write validate feelings, scrutinize thoughts. And this is the mission you are assigning to your brain. Brain, you are about to get so stinking good at validating my feelings And scrutinizing the absolute life out of my thoughts. I am someone that is not just naturally positive. I'm not just this naturally positive person. I haven't always just naturally had a better perspective or a better take on things. No, I've taught myself to do it. And I've put in so much repetition and you absolutely can too when you take this seriously and you see Nothing needs to change before you start doing this repeatedly, consistently, diligently, because every single circumstance that you're in is an opportunity and none of them are too big or too hard for you to apply this work to. And quite the opposite, I believe the harder the circumstance, the more valuable your mindset is in it. And I am convinced that there will never be something in my life that is more challenging, more difficult, than what I have already faced in my childhood, through my teen years and early adulthood. There's nothing in my life that's going to compare to those things. And here I am as a 31-year-old. I could lose my husband. When my mom was 31, she was widowed. My dad passed away when I was 6. She— my mom was 31 years old. My dad died and my mom was left with 2 young girls. And I'm 31. That could absolutely happen in my life. I could lose one of my children. I have 4 beautiful, strong, healthy, thriving boys that I am obsessed with. They are my dream crew. They're my dream. And having children means that there is also a chance that you could lose your family. Like, having a family is a very vulnerable thing because there's no promises, there's no guarantees. And that's because I know that's true and I believe that I take care of it as this really precious, delicate thing. I've personally lost my own dad. I've struggled with family relationships, and I want to make sure that my family experiences something different. So maybe I do have a different perspective because of my lived experiences. And the way I feel in my home is because of what I'm thinking about it. And my lived experiences absolutely help to fuel my perspectives and the predictions that I make, but it's still me that has the authority over those perspectives. And the same thing goes for you in your home. I want you to take this work so seriously and know this could absolutely change my life because it's changing who I am in my life. Stop trying to change your husband. Stop trying to change your kids. Stop looking forward to the next house that you're in. Become the person that thrives in marriage. Become the dream version of yourself as a mother. Become the dream version of yourself in your dream home. You think you're going to mope around and kick rocks in your dream house? Start showing up as who you would be in that dream house in the house that you have today. I call it loving what you have while working towards what you want. And I have definitely lived that out. And I, I love who I become in the process. So all this to say, as we go through this writing exercise, you're going to start training your brain to separate facts from your opinions about the facts. Your thoughts are not facts and you should not validate your thoughts. You should scrutinize your thoughts. You should be validating your feelings. Once you think something, thoughts create feelings. So once you think something and the thought is— the feeling is there, no amount of scrutinizing that feeling or saying it shouldn't be here or criticizing it or being annoyed at the feeling of annoyance in your home gets it to go away. Once you have the feeling, it is by default your responsibility to choose what you do with it. So that's why validating your feelings is so important, because it's already there. Whereas if you validate your thoughts, what are you doing? You're just creating more of those feelings. And I just think it's so strange to me that especially as mothers, we are so quickly validated in what we think, and then we're told to validate the way we feel. But if you pay attention, most women are very hard on themselves for the way they feel. Have you noticed that? You get really hard on yourself when you feel tired. You get really hard on yourself when you feel annoyed around your kids. Oh my gosh, I shouldn't be feeling so critical of them and I shouldn't feel so annoyed and on edge around them. He's just whistling. It's not a big deal, but like I'm constantly, I shouldn't feel so rushed in my home and, and feel like everything's an emergency. What's wrong with me? You literally put yourself in a shame spiral when you feel something. That is not validating. That is you scrutinizing your feeling and then validating your thought. What are the thoughts behind that that have been getting validated? My husband doesn't help enough. If you go online and say, my husband doesn't help enough, I guarantee you could have a viral post with thousands of comments and people saying, we deserve better. And you could just literally give. 1% of information about your circumstance, not tell your husband's side, not admit the way that you've treated him, take no accountability, no ownership, share nothing of the vision, nothing of the circumstances, have no compassion towards your husband whatsoever. You guys know I'm like a big, big, big advocate for husbands. I think they're incredible. And there's, they're just, they're simple, which I also really appreciate. So, On my tangent, which by the way, if you listen to my previous podcast episodes, I started writing myself scripts. So I would feed AI a story that I like, I went into, I typed out this whole story and then I asked AI to generate a script for me, keeping my voice, but organize my thoughts and help me have a more clear message. And your feedback in the comments on my show when I could read your reviews was so helpful for me. Like, um, the person that had put like less AI and more Tessa. I am so grateful for you because I did that. I created the scripts and I did this framework thing thinking that it was going to serve you guys better. Because I know sometimes I go off on little tangents and I try to fit a lot of information into one episode. And sometimes I can feel like a fire hose and I want to be a drinking fountain. So I was trying to like make your podcast experience better. And I can totally see how, if you're here listening to this show, this is what you want. You want my little tangents. You still want the writing exercise. And maybe you do want some more organized information. And I can just build the discipline to stick to one topic, one talking point, and one takeaway on my own, without a script. So I'm just really grateful for you guys' feedback because I love running this show. Some of my most I mean, clients that I've worked with for years found me and started working with me because of the podcast. So I love just the intimacy and the vulnerability that we get in connecting through the podcast. So I did want to make that a point to just say thank you for your feedback. I always really value it. And if you're someone listening to the show willing to leave a review and let me know about your experience, and hopefully it's a positive review because that does make a difference. However, I do want to hear your genuine thoughts. So that I can be better. I appreciate that. Moving on though, thoughts create feelings. Okay? Your thoughts create your feelings. And socially and culturally, I have noticed that we are so quick to be validated in our thoughts. Very rare is it that you're getting really challenged in what you're saying about your husband and what you're saying about your kids. If you're a mom and you say, I never get any time to myself. That is not a fact. It is not a fact. And I know that can feel hard to hear because when you genuinely feel like your whole day is devoted to your kids and you say, I never get any time to myself, you don't want to be told, well, like you don't want to be asked a question on that. And I get that. Like I've got 4 young kids and again, my 2-year-old just waltzing into my room, pitter-pattering with his feet and slamming my door at 1 in the morning over the last month. Like, I understand. And if you knew everything you're feeling is coming from what you're thinking, does that at all change the way you want what you're saying met? And if you had someone in your life that could help you hear what you're saying and what you're thinking, help you hear it and, and see it more clearly, help you find a new perspective. And you knew that you would feel 100 times lighter, more confident as a mother, more clear in your parenting approach, would you want to be challenged? To me, for me, the answer is yes. The answer is yes. I think I would much rather have those few moments of inner turmoil and wrestle to say, oh my goodness, The thing I just said, I never get any time to myself, is a complete exaggeration. I've lost sight of the time that I do get to myself. I've stopped creating time for myself. I've stopped seeing where it's possible for me to do something for myself with my kids. I go for a 5-mile run with all 4 of my kids. I even took the dog this morning. I was very impressed with myself. And that is for me. Okay? That is for me. So I'm doing something for me with all 4 of my kids, and the fruits for them are impossible to miss. 100%. I would say though, this runs for me. So that's why coaching and, and getting yourself into like my coaching programs is so valuable because yes, you can learn so much from the pro— from the podcast. However, you're listening to the podcast on your own. It is so hard to see the label from inside the bottle. So until you put yourself in a group like Strong-Minded Mother that I'm launching this October, where we're going— I'm coaching you through the 5 pillars to keep authority over yourself and the skills you need in order to do it really well. It's a 12-week live coaching program with me. It's a more small group style. We have incredible accountability set up. So you get like the perks of one-on-one coaching with a coach checking in on you every 2 weeks. You have a 20-minute check-in call with our coach, and then the weekly calls with me, and then the whole program so that you're going to see it through. You're going to sign up for this. You're going to see it through. You're going to learn these skills. You're going to implement them. And you're going to get really good at leaving shame behind in your life because shame is the thing that knocks you off course. And when you isolate yourself away from a group and you try to do all this on your own, first of all, you miss 90% of the things that are going on in your mind because Actually, arguably more than that. 95% of your thoughts are repetitive and are happening subconsciously. Only 5% are consciously intentional every day. So when you work in a program like this and you're surrounded by other women doing the same thing, and you've got a touchpoint with your coach, and you've got weekly coaching with me, we can help you see what you're missing because we're all missing something when we try to do it on our own. So in October, I want you signing up for Strong-Minded Mother. If you come to my 3-day bootcamp that's happening on September 21st, all this is linked below for you. You get first access into the Strong-Minded Mother group because there is a cap to it. We're keeping it small because we're doing those every other week, check-in calls with every single client. So I'm really excited to have this new experience. And a writing exercise like this is a great place to start. You can absolutely start catching some things when you do this writing exercise. So now it's time. Now that you understand it's your thoughts creating your feelings, your thoughts are not facts. And socially, we are in a container where our thoughts are validated and then we ourselves scrutinize our feelings. That's what I wanted you to know before doing the writing exercise. Now get out a piece of paper, pen and piece of paper. At the top of your piece of paper, you're going to write Validate feelings, scrutinize thoughts. Be very clear with your brain. Hey brain, wake up. This is exactly what we're doing. Validate feelings, scrutinize thoughts. Write that at the top of your page. Now right below that, I want you to, on the left-hand side, just write the word scenario. And this is where you're going to write out a scenario that has taken place. So think of a little event that has taken place in your life. A time, like something that you're holding on to, and start more recent. Don't go digging through your past right now, okay? Just start with something more recent that you're like, oh, that's so irritating. This is so annoying. My husband shouldn't talk to our kids like this. My 2-year-old shouldn't be coming into my room pitter-pattering away as if he's the only one in the house and slamming my door, startling me. Like whatever the event or scenario is that Honestly is weighing on you. And it is— there's something going on that's creating all these feelings of urgency, impatience, maybe coldness towards your spouse, maybe just this restlessness in your life. Choose a specific event or scenario and write it down. Write down exactly what happened as you remember it, as you think about it. You could put all your judgmental thoughts in there. This is just— I love pen and piece of paper because the page never judges me. Okay, I can write whatever I want and there is just no— there's no feedback on the page, so I can just keep going and get it all out. And that's what I'm giving you permission to do. If you are familiar with alignment journaling, which thousands of you are, please understand there is more than one beneficial way to write. You are not writing with alignment journaling right now. That is very different. You write alignment journaling in your alignment journal when you sit down to do alignment journaling. OK, this is just the way I see it without judgment, without criticizing myself or trying to filter it and follow these rules Tessa's taught me about mindset. Nope. If you want to write the word but, write the word but. If you want to write negative contractions, my husband can't do anything without my specific and literal instruction for every step that he takes. Write it. Write it. I'm giving you full permission. Choose an event and write it out without filter. What you think about it, what you perceived happened, how you're genuinely feeling, what you heard, what you saw, what you experienced, what it felt like for you. Just, just write it. Okay, so give yourself about like. Well, it depends how detailed you want to get. You can get as detailed as you like. You can take a whole page. Take a whole page if it helps. I would say, um, at least a quarter of your page, just dedicate it to that space. So depending on how big your page is, you know, a quarter of your page can be about 8 lines or so, but just have a quarter of your page dedicated to that scenario right there at the top and write it all out. Now, in the space below, save 3 lines at the bottom. Save 3 lines at the bottom. And then, so if we— let's just make this easy. Let's just split into quarters. First quarter of the page, you are writing the scenario, and then you have 2 quarters of the page that is separated into 2 columns. And then the bottom quarter of the page, the last quarter of the page, I want you to draw a line down there. And we're going to save that spot for last. Okay. But we need a little bit of space to write at the end. And if it feels like, wow, Tessa, I really got into this writing exercise and I used a lot more space than I was anticipating. Guess what, friend? You can always flip the page. Okay. So really take as much space as you'd like. Use as many pages as you'd like. Trust me, I completely have those writing experiences too, when my brain is just set on being right and fighting for something that hurts me. We go, we go pages. Okay, so now you wrote out your scenario. Left column in the second half of the page, you are going to have a left column. In the left column, I want you to write feelings to validate. Okay, in the right column, you're going to write thoughts To scrutinize. Okay, so we have our scenario that happens up here in the quarter, first quarter of the page, and then you're spending a half, a half a chunk of this page right there in the middle with 2 columns. Left side, feelings to validate. Right side, thoughts to scrutinize. And then you've left a bottom quarter of your page blank because you're going to do that at the end. Now you have your scenario written out, and I told you, you can listen to this episode once through and then go back and do the writing exercise. So don't rush yourself right now to get the scenario written. Let me teach you this exercise and then you can go do it fully as many times as you want. Once you have your scenario written out, I want you to go through and you can choose a highlighter. You can make this more fun. Have a highlighter. I want you to highlight or underline every feeling that you wrote. Feelings and thoughts are 2 different things. Thoughts create feelings. Feelings are not thoughts. And this is where people start validating their thoughts because I can— you can tell me a scenario and I can say, okay, and what is it that you're feeling when your husband comes in at 8:30? And you say, well, I just feel like he doesn't even care. Okay, so that is a thought. We don't, we don't feel our thoughts. We feel our feelings. You see where it's so sneaky? And we start to validate our thoughts. We start validating that our husband doesn't care. And worse, when you tell someone else how you feel and then they say, well, why do you feel that way? And then you go back into your story. So that's another opportunity that you missed To validate the way you're feeling, to actually handle it responsibly, maturely, and get relief that you're looking for. You went right back into the story. And the longer you spend in that story without challenge, without scrutiny, you just create more of those feelings. And then we wonder why a whole decade can go by and we feel the exact same way about a specific person. It's to me, this work is priceless. It creates a life of freedom, empowerment, integrity. You feel so close to God. You're so grateful for his design. I want that for you, and it does require us to face some hard truths about the way our our relationships and this world works. Okay, so that we're mindful. We're mindful. If someone asks me why I feel this way, I'm going to politely decline to answer that question and instead I'm going to tell them just what I'm feeling. So again, I'm going to ask you, what are you feeling when your husband comes home from work at 8:30? If you say that he doesn't care, he doesn't care that I'm here all day, he has no desire to be here. Those are thoughts. What are the actual feelings that come when your husband gets home at 8:30? Is there a feeling of resentment because our mind went to considering how he gets to be out of the house all day and I don't? Well, that would be the feeling of resentment building up. Is there a feeling of disconnection because it's been a whole day without touching your spouse? So I'm feeling disconnected. I'm feeling lonely. I'm feeling sad. I'm feeling Unappreciated. I'm feeling overlooked. What? What is the actual feeling? That's what you want to get really good at again. I teach you to be excellent at this in Strong Minded Mother, and that will help you so much. So definitely get yourself at least into my three day boot camp coming up, and ideally you're going to find yourself in Strong Minded Mother this fall so you can keep authority over your feelings and stop just validating your thoughts. In a way to try and feel better. You're never going to feel better with the same thoughts that hurt you in the first place. You guys have heard me say that for years. So left-hand column is where you're writing feelings to validate. So you're going back through your scenario, taking your highlighter or underlining everywhere you wrote a feeling. So if you wrote the words angry, sad, disrespected, overlooked, those are feelings. Take those feelings— jealous, happy, grateful, whatever, any feeling you wrote— I want you to write it on the left-hand column. It must be a feeling, not an opinion. My husband doesn't care is an opinion. My kids don't listen is an opinion. Everyone else has a village except me is an opinion. It is a thought. It is not a fact. Okay. Right-hand column, come now that you've done your highlighting, your underlining of feelings, I want you to visit the scenario again and say, okay, now I'm looking for my thoughts. What are just my thoughts? My unfiltered, unscripted thoughts right up here in this scenario. If it helps, ask yourself, what are my opinions that I wrote up here? Take every thought that made the scenario you just wrote and write it down. Not facts. So if you said he walked in the door at 8:30, that's a fact. We have a timestamp there. If you said it was 90 degrees outside and he was only thinking of himself and didn't hurry up and unlock the car for me to get in, okay, yeah, so The part where it says it was 90 degrees outside is the fact. Leave that there. The right-hand column is only for your opinions, your thoughts, the way you thought about the experience that was taking place. The circumstance is the actual fact. And again, I teach you to get very strong at this in Strong Minded Mother. It is a skill though. It takes practice and a lot of repetition. And the awareness of someone that's been doing it a little bit longer than you to keep walking you through it repeatedly so that your brain can say, oh my goodness, I'm catching facts. Okay. Yeah, this is, this is the part I can change. I can't change if my baby wakes up at 1 o'clock. I can change what I think about it. I can change how I feel about it. I can change what I do about it. It's so powerful. You start to feel so free. So thoughts to scrutinize goes in the right-hand column. Whatever the thoughts were, my husband doesn't care. That goes in the right column. My kids never listen. Right-hand column. Our home isn't good enough to host in. Right-hand column. I don't have a good enough community to have a village. Right-hand column. Anything you wrote up here, remember you already wrote. So you're taking what you wrote. And right, you're just reorganizing. You're creating a structure for you to examine things in. And what I love about the word scrutinize is it just means to take under careful consideration, like investigate it further, press on it. And I am someone that likes to assume my first thought is my worst thought. So even in my hardest moments and things that feel very challenging, I'm already thinking my first thought is my worst thought. Brain, your job is to give me something better than what you just thought. Better than that, better than that, better still. And even in the highest moments where maybe I feel really just surprised by something sweet my husband planned or did, or really excited to take my boys on a date, and I'm just, I'm feeling really good, it's still true that my first thought is my worst thought. I could feel even more joyful, even more grateful. I could bring myself to tears With the type of thoughts and quality perspectives that I am capable of creating and accessing at any given time. Isn't that so cool? It can just get better. There's no cap on how good it can feel. And I love that there's no cap on how good you can think. And I think it's really interesting that we are deterred from thinking positive. And there's these labels of— I even saw a label of toxic empathy. I'm like, what? Toxic empathy now? So it's toxic positivity and toxic empathy? Like, okay. Anyway, back to feelings to validate and thoughts to scrutinize. Like, I'm just going to be someone that holds myself accountable. Sure. So you write out your thoughts to scrutinize on the right-hand side. And if you— like, if you highlighted your feelings, underline your thoughts. Have some type of differentiator, maybe a different color highlighter to go through with your thoughts. But remember to leave the facts alone. So happening at 8:30, uh, Jake walked in at 1:00 AM, uh, family booked a vacation, like whatever the fact was of the scenario, leave that. No highlighter, no underlining, no changing. Leave the fact alone. So once you have your, Feelings to validate right now, and then your thoughts to scrutinize right now. Go back to your feelings to validate, and one by one, I want you to look at that feeling that you wrote, like lonely. Maybe you wrote lonely in your feelings to validate. Please, if you actually want to make progress, do not ask yourself, "Well, why do I feel lonely?" You're gonna look at the word lonely, and your brain's gonna say, "Because my husband blah blah blah blah blah," or "My kids don't want to hang out with me." Okay, yeah, stop. That's the brain. The brain is getting into busy work. You've got to keep it on track to work for you right now. The only— the amount of experience that I have and the amount of reps that I have put in allows me to see when my brain has gotten into busy work versus when my brain is actually working, when I am consciously putting it to work. And that is what it's accessible to you too. Understand that pattern. There is a difference and there's a choice in it. You have autonomy and authority over this. So when you see the word lonely for the feeling, instead of saying, why do I feel lonely? Or letting the brain describe it out, again, creating more of the feeling, we are going to look at the word lonely and ask yourself, what does it feel like? What does it feel like? Where do I feel it in my body? I feel it in my heart. I feel it in my gut. What does it feel like in my heart? What does it feel like in my gut? It feels like a crack in my heart, or it feels like a turning in my gut. It feels like my skin is reaching out to be held. That's what it feels like. That's where I feel it. I feel it on my skin. I feel it in my heart. I feel it in my gut. What does it feel like in your heart? Feels like a crack. What does it feel like in your gut? So ask yourself better questions to actually be able to validate the feeling. And handle it with responsibility, maturity, and and progress so that you can feel better. If it feels like if loneliness for you, you feel it on your skin, and it feels like your skin is aching for touch, you have a responsibility to fulfill that need. That is how you actually validate a feeling. When your skin is aching to be touched, you touch it. You stroke your arms. You wrap yourself in a in a fuzzy blanket. You ask your husband. husband to hold you for a few minutes. You go to your kids and you lay on their laps, or you ask them to lay against your chest. Like, you do something that helps you. That's actually validating your feeling. Why you feel that— if you are going into why you feel that way to try and validate a feeling, you are now trying to validate thoughts, and you'll never become free. Not there. So go through every feeling that you wrote. Ask yourself, where do I feel this? What does it feel like? What do I need to validate this feeling? If it feels hot, like if you wrote the word anger, where do I feel that? In my neck. What does it feel like? It feels like heat. Okay. What do I need to actually validate this feeling? Let my body know, hey, I know this is here and I'm here to help you. I handle this responsibly and maturely. I have total authority over this. I go get an ice cube and I rub it against my neck. I roll up a towel of ice. and I lay it around my neck. I do some counter sensations to help myself with this feeling. That is validating a feeling without getting trapped in the story. You keep authority over yourself. So that's what you're going to do with everything on the left-hand side. The right-hand side, with scrutinized thoughts, you're going to look at, um, the places that you wrote, my kids never listen, my kids never listen. Okay, so if you wrote that as a thought My kids never listen. It is creating feelings, probably feelings of irritation, annoyance, disappointment, defeat as a mother, hopelessness, helplessness, inadequacy, inferiority. That, you see, thoughts create feelings. My kids never listen. Scrutinize that thought. Is that true that my kids never, never listen? No. Is that true? More often than not, the answer is going to be no. That helps. Okay, great. Once I know that's not true, well, that helps my brain a whole bunch because my brain just wants to be right. Next question that you could ask yourself to scrutinize thoughts is, is this the most generous perspective I could have of my children? Once again, if the answer is no, it's not the most generous perspective I could have of my children. No, it's not the most generous perspective I could have of my husband, of myself. Of my in-laws. Great. Thank you for letting me know, brain. Uh, yeah, go ahead and deliver that most generous perspective now. What is the most generous perspective I could have in regards to my children listening? They're doing the best they can to their mental and physical capacity. They trust that I am willing to repeat myself because I have indeed repeated myself several times in the past. All of a sudden, your brain is dishing up better thoughts. That create better feelings, and thus you have better behaviors. So go through all of the thoughts that you listed for thoughts to scrutinize. And by scrutinize, I just want you to start asking yourself questions. Ask yourself questions about this thought. Is it true? Is it necessary? Can I think of one stress-free reason to keep repeating this thought? Is this the most generous perspective I could have of myself, of this person? Who do who? The version of me that I want to be. What would she think about this exact same fact and scenario? What would she think about it? What would she think about her kids in this moment with these behaviors? The version of me I want to be. Go through and scrutinize. Help your brain learn and get on track and have better commands. Then at the bottom, I told you you're saving the space at the bottom. So you have scenario, left and right column. Right here at the bottom, you're going to write out new belief. New belief. And you're going to take the facts that were left alone in this scenario, review the facts, and write a brand new belief. Once you've been through, you validated feelings, you scrutinized thoughts, and in the scrutinizing of thoughts, you were opened up to new perspectives. Write the new belief that you just love. Was it a belief that— a new thought that came up when you asked yourself, What is the most generous perspective I could have of my husband? He works so hard for us. Is it still a thought? Yes. Is it still an opinion? Yes. What kind of feelings does it create though? Because you're not going to remove thoughts and opinions from your life. You're going to take authority over them so that you are the conscious creator of them. That's what we're here to do. God designed your brain to have opinions and thoughts. He designed it. He designed your thoughts to create feelings. And I think that is such a gift because God knows what this life is like for us. He knows how challenging it is. Jesus Christ experienced it to the extremes for us. And He remained sin-free. He remained perfect. So we have so much hope to look forward to. And it's not to say, like, you need to be perfect like Christ. No. No, but let Christ actually work in you to perfect some parts, to make some parts of you more holy. What if you had— what if you really believed about yourself, I have a pure and holy mind. My thoughts are pure and holy. It feels like it calls you up all of a sudden. I want to have more pure and holy thoughts about my children. And we recognize I am a human and 80% of my thoughts are negative. That's the design. So when the 80%, when I pay attention, I notice these 80%, I have some negative thoughts. The real mark of growth is what you do when you have a negative thought, not if you have a negative thought. I have tons of negative thoughts, tons. It's just, what do I do with them? I make content. I make content. I investigate them. I put my focus and concentration on the exercise of— sure, that negative thought is there, which also means there's another perspective available to me. So what is the other perspective? What is the most generous perspective I can have right now? Okay, as a woman that wants to have a family homestead, who must I become to thrive on that family homestead with my 4 children, their wives, and their kids? I think it's going to take a lot of humility, a lot of sacrifice, a lot of selflessness, compassion towards others. I'm looking forward to it. I really, really am. So I'm preparing myself for that time in my life. And I have negative thoughts too. I have the urge to gossip. I have the urge to complain. Like the thoughts come. Yes. And my mark of growth I always track is when the thought comes, what do I choose to do? When I already have the feeling of annoyance because I was thinking so critically and judgmentally about this other person and now I'm feeling annoyed, what do I do? Do I call one more person to vent these frustrations or do I just take that feeling of annoyance and actually validate it and start scrutinizing the thoughts that created it? Like, okay, busy brain, you think it's so fun to work up there? Here's a pen and piece of paper. You're going to sit down for 10 minutes and concentrate. I give my brain consequences. I'm like, you are funny if you think I'm gonna let you get away with this. Um, I parent myself, okay? I tell my brain, you want me to pull this car around? Because it will. Okay, now that we've spent almost an hour together, I hope this podcast episode served you greatly. Do this writing exercise. Remember, It is your feelings to validate and your thoughts to scrutinize. And in this big, big dysfunctional world that we live in, full of negativity, harm, injustice, and oh man, sin. Let's just call it sin. In this big sinful world that we live in, there is more that you can do about it than what you can't. And you aren't here to change every person around you. You are here to reflect Christ. That is your purpose. How Christlike can you become? How much can you love like him? How much can you think like him? How long can you walk like him? And tracking your own progress along the way. I think that's what's kept this work so sustainable and exciting for me is I make it about my own progress and my vision continues to get bigger and grow from there. I definitely never thought I wanted a family compound 10 years ago. I was way too selfish for that. Um, but now like it's, it's really on my heart and remembering that our purpose is to reflect Christ. It is to, it is to walk in his steps. It is to be like him and to love people as he loves people. And there's more than enough work for us to do in that alone. We don't need to also go around trying to control every other person and circumstance. So if you're with me on that, give this writing exercise, um, writing exercise a try. Sign up for that three-day workshop that I'm hosting. I'm going to walk side by side with you and make sure that you create an I am statement that you leave with. You leave my workshop confidently using that I am statement. It will completely change your life. And then those that are part of the workshop get first access into Strong Minded Mother, brand new program to keep and maintain authority over the five innermost pillars of you, feelings and perspective being one of. Being 2 of them. Okay, well, I'm looking forward to connecting with you guys more. Thank you again for those reviews. They help me so much to focus on the things that really matter. So I appreciate you guys, and I'll see you later.