July 28, 2026

My younger employees who are here in this room, they lean in more, I think, to the feel part of what we're talking about today. Whereas, and I'm going to pick on Jennifer, she knows, whereas the conversations that Jennifer and I have, we will never use you use the word feel, or how something makes us feel.

A lot.

Part of what I love about Jennifer is the directness in which we can have a hard conversation, and we have had some. The directness in which we can have that, but also going back to trust. I care so much about Jennifer when we walk out of that hard, direct conversation, we're shoulder to shoulder and it's cool, it's okay. But with some of the younger employees, I, you know, you cannot— my belief is you cannot have those conversations with a broad brush approach.

Yeah, I agree.

Different based on the trust level that you have with the individual, based on perhaps, perhaps gender, perhaps, you know, perhaps years in the industry, the relationship that you have with them, all of it. It can't— in my mind, it can never be a broad brush approach, if that makes sense.

Yeah. Well, this goes back to, like, if you think about the earlier part of our workshop, like, I was asking you all what made you the most— like, how did you feel about these conversations? And, you know, my experience is the spectrum of even experience in these conversations is probably wide in this room. And so if you already have a way that you have these conversations that you feel like is effective, keep doing that, right? And try to walk away from today with something that might give you a little bit more edge, something that might help you a little bit better, right? If you're brand new to these and you have no model, no framework for using it, then you're probably going to have a lot more kind of like takeaways from this. And you're probably going to try to follow this a little bit more. And then over time, to Melissa's point, with each person, you're probably going to figure out like, hey, that was helpful, that was not, how do I tweak this the next time? So take away as much or as little as helpful. But to Melissa's point, at the end of the day, you're still dealing with human beings. And there's just so many variables there that it's hard to have a broad sweeping model, a tool that's going to apply to every situation every time.

So yes. Maybe you've covered this, I apologize if you have, but is there any place for empathy. Oh, I understand what you did. Yeah. But here's why we can't do that.

Sure.

Why we can't proceed in that direction. Yeah. Empathy's okay. Yeah. Instead of I feel.

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, turn it back to me. It turns it back to them.

Yeah. I mean, what I heard in that was like, I feel like I understand why you did this. So yeah, I mean, I feel in my mind what I heard you say doesn't deviate from what I'm sharing here. It may not word it exactly the same, but I feel like you're still hitting the essence of what we're talking about.

So yeah. My observation, I feel like people are less empathetic these days.

I do agree with that.

I think there's a lot of— and I'm guilty of this too— more concerned about myself than somebody else. We've lost something somewhere.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know if you can go wrong in most settings by trying to be empathetic. Yeah, I think it's always a good rule. All right, let's keep moving. Let me give you a little quiz. So what's one thing you've heard today that you would find helpful in using in an upcoming conversation? Just one thing. Could be a word, a phrase, a tip. Doesn't have to be something I've said. Maybe a colleague, maybe something you heard during your role play. I just want to make sure you have something you feel like you can take away. Be both. Convert criticism to complaint. Stay on your side of the net. Don't cross the net. Ask myself, what's my part in this? Assume positive intent. Courage. Not being accusatory. Ask for next steps. Don't volley hard conversations to their side of the net. Think about intent. All that's good. Yeah, you guys are such great students. So good, so good. Don't assume the worst, be intentional.

Word.

Yeah, all good. Yes, yes, I love that. I'm not even gonna ask who typed that, so that's— thank you for lightening the mood. That's so awesome. Hey, let me— we've got just a few minutes left. Let me give you some final tips that'll help you. So in my experience, these are the most 8 common responses when you try to have a courageous conversation. And they actually all kind of fall under that kind of defensiveness thing. So somebody was asking me yesterday, like, or not yesterday, earlier today, was like, hey, what if I deliver this really well, but the person's still defensive? In my experience, the 8 things on the screen are the most common ways that people respond defensively. And here's the unfortunate answer is you can only control yourself. Like, you can only control yourself. You cannot control the other person. So you be the best version of yourself. You show up the best way you can. And here's the next thing I want to tell you. Quick little story. So, uh, this is probably the most divisive topic in my home now. So, uh, what you have on the screens there is what some people call decorative pillows.

Okay.

So in my experience, most audiences are kind of divided on this topic. So I'm gonna try to make this not as divisive as possible. So you either have what I call people that are pro-decorative pillow or people that are anti-decorative pillow. So I'll give you some illustrations and you can figure out which one you are. So the pro-decorative pillow are people like my wife, Like, you guys are— you got decorative pillows for different times of the year, decorative pillows for different seasons, different holidays. You've got storages for decorative pillows. So you got all these different things. And then you might even have like an Amazon shopping cart for decorative pillows, OK? Then your other side are your anti-decorative pillow people. And you think decorative pillows are just a waste of time, right? So if you are the pro-decorative pillows people, if you raise your hand. People.

Okay.

All right. The rest of us hate you.

Okay.

So, um, no, I'm just kidding. So in my home, uh, my wife's pro, I'm anti. But here's what I want to tell you is we have this kind of like standard of behavior in my home where whoever gets up from the bed last is responsible for making the bed. Okay. Now, 95% of the time I get out of bed before my wife when I'm home. And so she makes the bed. Okay. But there are those times when I make the bed. Now, when my wife wakes the bed— makes the bed— she's pro-decorative pillow, and she has each pillow that goes in like its exact space on the bed, exactly where she wants it. She's got like measured out with like a measuring tape, and like they have this perfect little combination, right? And it's all like this perfect zen-like setting, right? Now, when she does it, you can assume that she puts them there exactly where she wants them. Now, the question is When I make the bed, what do you think I do with the decorative pillows? You are so wrong. None of you guys have been married. So I put the decorative pillows exactly where she wants them, like exactly to the best of my ability where she wants them and like to the T, right? Now you're like, well, you told me that you were anti-decorative pillow, right? Well, here's the difference. My wife, My wife puts the decorative pillows back where she wants them because she wants to. Okay. Why do I, why do I put the decorative pillows back where they go? Because I have to. Okay. Yeah, because I have to. My life is better when I do. Okay. Now, and the reason I share this is a funny little illustration is like, the more that you can create an environment where people want to work with you, where people see you as somebody that they enjoy working with, people that they really appreciate it, all these things we talked about today are going to be way easier, right? So what I'm gonna share with you in these last, last final minutes are just some like pro tips on how do you be the best colleague possible so that when these conversations are needed, they are significantly more likely to land in the way that you want them to land. Okay, so real quick, share with you a couple tips. So think about things to consider before the conversation. These are from the book Super Communicators. What do you hope to accomplish? What do you hope to learn? How are you going to start the conversation? And by the way, for those of you that are note-takers, you'll get these slides if you want them. What obstacles might emerge? Will a hesitancy to say something controversial prevent us from saying what's necessary? How can we make it safer for everyone to air their thoughts? How will you calm yourself and others if the conversation gets tense? What are the benefits of the conversation? Are the benefits worth the risk? Usually the answer is yes. And if people do get upset or angry, how are you going to remind everyone why this dialogue is so important? Okay, that's just a nice list, top 10 things that will help you with this. I'm also going to share with you some other tips that will help you. One thing is about your approach to the conversation. So one thing is to always just share your intention. So a good way to approach these conversations, something like, hey, I need your help with something. Or, I'd like to share with you something I've noticed. Can we talk? I'd like to resolve something about the way we work together. Would it be okay if we talked? I'd like to work— I'd like to see if we can work through what happened yesterday. Can we talk about it? Or, I have some ideas on strengthening our teamwork and collaboration. Could we talk? The reason these kind of opening disclaimers are important when you're trying to have these conversations is what we've learned about human beings is that we actually are way more tolerant and receptive to unpleasant things. Here's the if, if we know about them ahead of time. Okay. If we know about things ahead of time, and I can give you a lot of like research and nerd out on this, but we know about ahead of time, we're actually able to like get ready for them and like, like put ourselves in a posture where we can like have a dialogue. But if you just come in the door, and you're like, Clay, it really bothered me the other day when you did this and this. I'm like, whoa, you know, you kind of blow me back, right? If you're like, hey, I'd like to talk to you about something that's been going on that I've noticed. I'd like to see if you can help me with it, right? I'm automatically like, all right, let's have this conversation, right? So some of y'all are going to leave here and you're going to be like, next time somebody says I need your help, you're like, what are you going to tell me? So, but those are some helpful openings. Here's some other tips. Write down your talking points. Avoid that amygdala hijack, that lizard brain. Delivery method matters. Somebody was talking about this earlier. I would encourage you when at all possible to avoid digital delivery. So if at all possible, try to not do this texting, email, or an official UT System memo, okay? Like these are gonna be best if they are in person. I realize that it's highly unlikely in many situations. So at least try to have a Zoom meeting, a Teams meeting, worst case scenario, try to have a phone call, okay? But all those things matter because when you start studying kind of the neurology and the neuroscience of communication, you gotta realize it's not just words. There's a lot going on when it comes to people communicating effectively. Also, be aware of what I call power gradients. So in other words, that conversation is going to feel differently whether it's in my office, your office, or a neutral site. Okay, so be aware about that. It's also going to feel differently whether it's in public or whether it's in private. So be aware about listening ears, all that stuff matters. Couple of things I'll share with you about just your reputation as a communicator. Something you can do to really strengthen this is be interested, not just interesting. So look for ways when you're with colleagues to build that relationship by finding out more about them, about their life outside of work. Learn the names of stuff that is important to them, people, pets, places. Notice and compliment them on things that are appropriate. Use LinkedIn and other things as like hacks. Find out people's birthdays, work anniversaries, organization, you know, find out about where they're from. Anything you can do to have touchpoints with them that are not because you just need something from them. OK? Because if the only time you reach out to somebody is because you need something or need to tell them something, that's never going to be a great relationship. Right? So look for opportunities to connect with people outside of that. Use major holidays as a non-agenda touchpoint. Identify ways to make them look good in the eyes of other people. Look for ways to make yourself human. And then apologize when mistakes are made. So those are my other tips. I realize I'm going through this pretty quickly. You guys will get this, but I want to make sure we respect our time. Stop and ask, how can I— so this whole idea of we-they. We-they is about me framing something in a way that makes me look good and you look bad. And it's situations where the classic example, let me give you, is like you'll be out to eat at a restaurant. Server brings you the wrong food. Brings you the wrong food. And you bring it to the server's attention. Hey, this is not what I ordered. That server has a choice in that moment to say one or two things. They can either say, "Hey, I'm so sorry that we got this wrong. Let me make it right for you." Or they can do the wrong choice and they can say, "Oh, I'm so sorry. The kitchen always gets the orders wrong." Right? What did the server just do in that last situation? They said something in a way that makes other people look bad and makes them look good because they don't want you to make them feel like that they made a mistake. But in that moment, do you really care who made a mistake? Like, you just want the food, right? So we/they is when I'm not saying something in a way, or I'm saying something in a way that makes me look good and you look bad, and you want to stomp that out of your organization as much as possible. And you do that by slowing down, saying, hey, how can I phrase this in a way that doesn't make others look bad? Intentionally, purposely managing each other up. Sending notes to your supervisor about people that they should recognize is a great way to do this. Sending notes to the supervisors of others to recognize them. And then look for ways to just manage up your organization on and off the clock. So just look for ways to speak favorably about who you work for and others. I've given you a tool that you may want to use. You don't have to in the interest of time, but if you want to take this away, I always find it helpful to take some notes around like, hey, here's what I'm going to do as a result of today. And the way that I like to think about my own individual change is here's what I'm going to continue, here's what I'm going to start doing, here's what I'm going to stop doing. And then I'm also going to do this to hold myself accountable. Maybe I'm going to put something on my calendar. Maybe I'm going to share it with my coworker or my leader. So if you find that helpful for an action plan, feel free to use that. I'm going to wrap us up by taking it back to our values. We started with this. I want to end with this, is that today really is about each of us embracing our values and embracing these two specifically around embracing differences, but also being transparent and trusted, and looking at like, hey, if I live these out with my coworkers and colleagues, what's that gonna look like when it comes time for me to have these courageous conversations? And if you're ever wondering like how I should structure my courageous conversation, I would encourage you to go to this slide faster than you go to the script that I provided you. Like just go to this values and go, how do I need to show up in this conversation that's gonna demonstrate that I'm listening with empathy, to your point earlier, I'm expecting civility and collegiality. I'm going to be honest. I'm going to believe in the good intentions of others. Look, I'm going to do those things in a way that shows up well. OK? What's most crucial is that we want to connect. We want to understand. We want to have a deep conversation, even when it's hard and scary. And then I will end here with the same thing I started with, is that the right conversation at the right moment can change everything. So guys, thank you all very much for your time. I'll hand it over to Melissa.