Part Two of Episode 39: The Lies We Tell Ourselves in Relationships - Sir, You’re Not On My Payroll: Entitled Energy is Expensive

Welcome to the Trigger and the Truth podcast. I'm your host Tina White, and this is the space where we take a deep dive into the complexities of relationships— romantic, family, friendships, workplace dynamics, and of course entrepreneurship— and how they intertwine with our mental health and wellness. As a Dedicated mental health advocate, we don't just have conversations. We lean into the hard truths, peel back the layers, and journey together toward understanding, closure, and personal growth. More than ever, we're on a collective mission to find peace, clarity, and healing. This is your safe space to explore the moments that shaped you, discover your triggers, uncover the truths, and find the healing you deserve. So whether you're searching for solace, insight, or a fresh perspective, you're in the right place. If this is your first time tuning in, welcome to the conversation. I'd love for you to like, share, and pass this along to someone who might need some encouragement or insight. Now let's dive into today's episode and start this journey into self-discovery and wellness together.

The commission check story. Now let me give you a real-life example of exactly what I mean when I say some relationships should have never made it past sunrise. When I first met him, I told myself it was just going to be casual. That's how I justify ignoring my own deal breakers. He wasn't my type, but he made me laugh. He was persistent. And if we all know certain kinds of charm and a few well-placed lies in the beginning will make you entertain what you know better than to invite in. A few months in, I started noticing the red flags.

But instead of walking away, I told myself I could handle it. After all, it wasn't that deep, or so I thought. Fast forward 2 years, I'm sitting in my car outside my own house, dreading walking through the door. I had just left a closing, but I didn't even want to share the good news because I didn't know if he'd be happy for me or quietly resent me. Somewhere between "just casual" and "how did we get here?" I stopped asking for what I needed. I got tired of feeling like I was begging for space. There were times I felt smothered, and deep down I knew why he kept tabs on me— because he didn't want to get caught doing his dirt. And the truth, he wasn't even good at hiding it. I just grew tired of arguing about it, and in the process, I started losing respect for myself because I knew better. One night I asked myself, if nothing changes in the next 5 years, do I still want to be here? The answer came so fast it scared me. No, absolutely not. That's when I realized just because something lasts longer than you expected doesn't mean it deserves more of your life. Some things aren't meant to grow roots, they're meant to be lessons. And if you think that was enough to make me walk away, let me tell you about one of the many moments that sealed it for me. One day we were at my house and he saw a copy of a recent commission check sitting on my desk. It wasn't six figures, but it was more than half of his yearly base salary. A mentally stable man, a man secure in himself, would have said, that's amazing, I'm proud of you. But that's not what happened. From that day forward, the energy shifted. The comments started with little digs about money, about my earnings, and—

To tell the truth, let's unpack a heavy bag that's been bursting at the seams. We owe it to ourselves to hold ourselves accountable, owning our part in the breakdown of a relationship. One of us might be a narcissist, or maybe both of us. Are you willing to tell the truth about your role? Did you burn sage only to pass out from the fumes? Are you perhaps the root cause of the problem? I'll go first. If I'm being honest, I can be problematic when my buttons are pushed or when I feel my boundaries have been crossed. God is still working on me, and that's why we're here. I'm taking this journey with you because I need healing just as much as anyone else. I've had to confront my own tendencies. I've realized that in conflict, I almost always become an avoidant. I shut down, walk away, and don't look back. That's not healthy. So here's the question: can you face yourself and admit to your part? The first step toward healing is honesty.

My earnings. And then came the one that made me look at him differently. One time he had dropped me off to host an open house. Now, mind you, he had volunteered, and then once the house closed, he believed he was entitled to half of that commission check. It was so ridiculous that I laughed, but then I realized this man was dead serious. We had never discussed finances. We weren't living together. We weren't married. This was casual dating. But in his mind, that one chauffeur moment meant he had equity in my hustle. That's when I had to check myself and him. Dating is not a merger. There is no profit sharing plan, and you do not get a cut of my commission just because you happen to be in the vicinity when I earned it. It wasn't about the money, it was about entitlement. It was about insecurity. My success exposed something in him he didn't want to face. And if you've ever been in a situation like that, you know, once someone starts keeping score, it's only a matter of time before they start moving the goalposts too. And that is part of the reason why this man and that relationship should have been a one-night stand. It overstayed its welcome. It drained my energy, and it taught me the most expensive lesson of all. Entitled energy will always cost you more to keep than it will to cut loose. So after that whole commission check moment, I had to sit with myself and get real about what was actually going on. And I realized the red flags were there from day one. The problem wasn't just that he felt entitled to my money, it was that I'd been ignoring signs of entitlement control and insecurity the whole time. That's the thing about relationships that should have been one-night stands. They rarely come dressed like trouble in the beginning. They are fun, flattering, and exciting until the reality sets in. But here's where we get caught. We start telling ourselves little lies to justify staying. Lies like, it's not that deep, "it'll get better," or my personal favorite, "he's not perfect, but who is?" Those lies keep us hanging on to situations that drain us instead of daring us to grow. I'm from New York.

No, not that New York. This New York. The one where they waged a fake war on drugs, but it was really a war on my childhood. The New York that sat just miles from Wall Street, from from Madison Avenue, from the Hamptons, but felt like a different planet entirely. The New York where we were test subjects in a social experiment that started before social media ever existed. I'm from Southside Jamaica, Queens.

That's where I'm from.

And I'm gonna tell a story, a real story about what the crack era did to one family in the 1980s and how Nearly 40 years later, the grief still lingers, still shows up in our relationships, our silence, our strength. And how the same policies that destroyed us back then have grown bored of just testing out their theories on us and are now coming for the masses.

Will you listen now?

This is We Grieve Differently, written and narrated by Tina White.

Thank you so much for spending time with me today on The Trigger and the Truth. Remember, it's all about uncovering those triggers, finding the truth, and building stronger, healthier relationships for ourselves and with the people around us. If today's episode resonated with you, I'd love it if you'd like share, and send it to someone who might benefit. Together, we're making mental health and wellness a priority. And always remember, never let your emotions supersede your intelligence. Take care of yourself, be kind to your mind, and until next time, let's keep uncovering truths, one heartfelt conversation at a time.