The Avoidant: When Silence Speaks Louder Than Words

Welcome to the Trigger and the Truth podcast. I'm your host, Tina White, and this is the space where we take a deep dive into the complexities of relationships— romantic, family, friendships, workplace dynamics, and of course, entrepreneurship. And how they intertwine with our mental health and wellness. As a dedicated mental health advocate, we don't just have conversations. We lean into the hard truths, peel back the layers, and journey together toward understanding, closure, and personal growth. More than ever, we're on a collective mission to find peace, clarity, and healing. This is your safe space. To explore the moments that shaped you, discover your triggers, uncover the truths, and find the healing you deserve. So whether you're searching for solace, insight, or a fresh perspective, you're in the right place. If this is your first time tuning in, welcome to the conversation. I'd love for you to like, share, and pass this along to someone who might need some encouragement or insight. Now let's dive into today's episode and start this journey into self-discovery and wellness together. Welcome to another episode of The Trigger and the Truth. I'm your host Tina White, and today's topic hits very close to home because it's me sitting in my truth and something that I recently come to terms with. It's very significant because it's a part of my personality, and it's a personality glitch. So, you know, I have to be honest with myself. Again, this is a journey for all of us, not just me talking you guys' ears off about the things that I've learned and the things that I know and the things that I think and the world according to Tina. This is not what this is about. This is part of my healing journey. I have a toolkit. I have an arsenal for my therapy, and this is part of it. And I thank you guys for just being here and going on this journey with me. But I may very well be classified as an avoidant in terms of relationships, and I mean across the board. And it took me so long to really take the time to face the reality of that because was, first of all, what occurred with my sibling. You know, the first episode of The Trigger and the Truth, we discussed sibling violence and my personal story. On today's episode, we're going to be exploring me in a romantic relationships, right? How I act, how I react, you know, my default. And it's the realization that has been enlightening and humbling because I'm definitely here to unpack this. Now let's examine what it means to be an avoidant, particularly in relationships. It is like someone who just avoids all confrontation, right? To go sit and unpack their thoughts first. It's not like I don't communicate, because I do, but I do it on my own terms, in my own time. And for some people, that may be a trigger for them. Because they think that I'm being aloof or that I don't care. But the reality is, that's how I process things, right? So I was in a relationship with someone who was more of a confrontational personality. So this journey with this man had me to face some hard truths about Tina White. Now, while I can stand on the fact that it's very unlikely that I'm the aggressor in any situation, in any breakdown, So if something goes left, I may not be the aggressor, but I'm very much a participant. I will partake in the foolishness, and I will probably be the one to drag it. And that is something that I'm working on. You know, like I always say, God is working on me. I promise it's a work in progress. It's like an everyday thing, a 24-hour— every time I open my eyes, I'm praying to God like, please, like, please guide me and help me through this day. I realize that me dragging and me partaking in the foolishness is in direct contrast, and it's a contradiction to my being an avoidant when it comes to confrontation. And it's confusing when I think about it, and I have to attribute my stance based on who the conflict is with, right? If it's a friend or family member, I will likely retreat to my corner to avoid the confrontation. But if it's my partner and depending on my mood, I will either avoid the subject or partake in the dragging of whatever the issue is. It could be something very simple and something that is not even worth an argument. But if I feel a button has been pushed or I feel like I'm being put into a corner, I'm gonna react a certain way, and I know it's confusing, and that's why we're here, because I'm trying to figure it out too. I'm guessing my response to whatever the conflict might be has to do with how emotionally I'm invested, if that makes sense. Like, if I care, we're gonna spar. If I don't care, you could get out my face, right? And that's something that I really need to look at. But before we delve into the psychology of being an avoidant, let me share a little bit more about myself. Like, again, as someone who most likely my default is to avoid confrontation because I find solace in keeping emotional situation at arm's length. Like, some people might perceive that as me being aloof or indifferent. But again, like I said earlier, it's more about self-preservation. When emotions run high, I find myself retreating, and it's not because I don't care, but it's because I need the space to process my thoughts and to reduce my anxiety. Again, I'm in therapy, like I'm a work in progress. I'm not pretending to be something that I'm not, but as I'm in therapy, I'm discovering so much more about myself. And this behavior, I realize, is tied to how I process stress. The more intense the situation, the more I need to step away to regain my composure. It's a defense mechanism, and it's one that shields me from being overwhelmed by emotions that I can feel are all-consuming. And I don't want to be consumed by my emotions because, like my brother used to always say, And now I say it: never let your emotions supersede your intelligence.

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You know, my brother Shay, he's very intelligent, like highly intelligent, so much so that he gets in his own way. But whenever I have a conversation with him, I always feel better. I feel like I learned something. His perspective is different. He is not a yes man, right? He is very much a leader and very much someone who is always seeking knowledge and elevation, right? But he makes really bad decisions when it comes to certain things like women. But we're not going to talk about that. That's his story to tell. But I say that and I mentioned him because he really is someone who I can lean on and he's my confidant. Yes, we've had so many issues and we've had conflicts and there was a time when we didn't speak for a couple of years, but he's always first and foremost in my mind. Like, he's my person. Like, everybody has their person, right, that they can lean on, that they can talk to. And Shay is my person. That's my guy. And anybody that knows him, like really know him— and I'm not talking about this persona, I'm not talking about when he on his shit, I'm talking about Mr. White— he is worth his weight in gold. And he's taught me so much. And part of why I'm doing this podcast and I'm focusing on mental health and wellness is because he encouraged me. He's like, Tina, like, stop sitting in the shadows, like, stop hiding, you have so much to share, you're very intelligent, blah blah blah. And these are, these are his words, and I trust his words. So whenever I have a misunderstanding with anyone, I always talk to him. He's part of my arsenal, he's part of my toolkit that I confide in. And so me personally, I always I have been a person to look for solutions, and I know I say that a lot, but my default again is to avoid confrontation, and that's because I need to process. So imagine this scenario: you've had a misunderstanding with your partner. Now, they're the type who wants to sit down right now, hash it out right now, find a solution right now, and it could be some foolishness. Like, you don't want to go to therapy and deal with whatever you're going through? Okay, not right now, sir. So I was in a relationship with a person who was like that. They wanted to find the solutions to whatever foolishness we may have been about right then and there, but when we talk about maybe you should seek some therapy for your deep, deep, deep-rooted issues, he don't want nothing to say. But anyway, The more confrontational partner, which was him, pushes, the more the avoidant, which was me, has the urge to retreat. And then there's a— there's a gap that widens. Like, me and that person, we're no longer together. Like, we barely speak. But that's ego. That's ego talking. I know that this person has an emotional problem. I know he has mental health issues, and that's why I really need to sit and think about why I continue to participate in this text message war. I'm part of the problem. I know that I am. That's why I'm seeking guidance and seeking therapy. One of the ways to get in front of this is to be aware, have self-awareness, because I am aware of the part that I play in the breakdown of relationships. For the most part. I know how to defuse a situation. I know how to avoid conflict, but sometimes I don't want to avoid conflict. Sometimes I don't want to defuse the situation because sometimes I want my perspective to be heard as well. And if you— and just naturally as a human, if you feel like your perspective is not being heard, if you're not being respected, then you're going to get louder. But I had to realize that I really need to stop that behavior. To tell the truth, let's unpack a heavy bag that's been bursting at the seams. We owe it to ourselves to hold ourselves accountable, owning our part in the breakdown of a relationship. One of us might be a narcissist, or maybe both of us. Are you willing to tell the truth about your role? Did you burn sage only to pass out from the fumes? Are you perhaps the root cause of the problem? I'll go first. If I'm being honest, I can be problematic when my buttons are pushed or when I feel my boundaries have been crossed. God is still working on me, and that's why we're here. I'm taking this journey with you because I need healing just as much as anyone else. I've had to confront my own tendencies. I've realized that in conflict, I almost always become an avoidant. I shut down, walk away, and don't look back. That's not healthy. So here's the question: can you face yourself and admit to your part? The first step toward healing is honesty. Now let's break down the theory, right? Psychologically, avoidant behavior often stems from attachment styles that you developed in childhood. Mostly everything that we do, our default comes from something that happened in childhood. So those of us with an avoidant attachment style, we probably learned early that no one cares, right? That our safety wasn't always met, we weren't always supported. And so as a result, we developed a protective instinct, and then we handle our emotions internally. And right, we avoided outward displays of need or distress. Like, you could be going through something crazy, but you don't necessarily say anything to anyone. And bottling that up, that's not good. Conversely, if you're confrontational, you may lean toward anxious attachment, right, where you crave attention and connection and assurance constantly. You feel compelled to address conflicts immediately. Like, I need to know now. And it's like, for someone who's an avoidant, that could be very stressful. I don't want to talk about this right now. I want to go take a nap, right? But to the person who's confrontational— and this is not in a negative way, it's not a negative connotation, it's just what it is, right— to them Avoidance can feel like abandonment. It could be triggering, and it could trigger insecurities. So the truth is, both styles are trying to protect themselves in their own way. Avoidance will shield themselves from emotional overwhelm, and confrontational people seek to resolve. They want to resolve, and they don't want to feel anxious. You know, there's anxiety that comes with feeling disconnected. They want to be connected.

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So here's another example of one of my past relationships, right? My partner and I, we faced a disagreement over financial planning, right? So he wanted to have a sit-down discussion about our future, and for him, this was a way of bonding and ensuring that we're on the same page, right? But for me, the conversation was like stepping onto a battlefield because I don't want to have this conversation right now. I don't see us going past a certain level. I'm not marrying you. I don't want to get married to you. So I don't want to discuss certain things because I don't want you to think that there's a future there when there's not. So we don't need to discuss finances and we don't need to discuss, you know, bank accounts and life insurance and stuff like that. I'm here for a good time, not a long time. I didn't want to offend him, but I also didn't partake. I didn't contribute to the conversation, and he felt like I was not supporting him and I wasn't hearing him just because I didn't engage how he wanted to engage. But the truth of the matter was There were so many other issues going on. I'm not going to sit here and build a bond with you about things that are really truly important when you out there dealing with so many other women. You could be having this conversation with them. I'm not having it with you. Get somebody else to do it, right? So this is a real life thing and these are real life implications because for whatever reason, I tend to attract certain personality types. And even though being an avoidant isn't bad, it's a coping mechanism, but it's been left unchecked for a very long time. Like, I've been like this for a long time, and I don't bottle up my emotions. I don't do that. But I do have emotional shutdowns. Like, I'll go days and weeks and sometimes months without any contact with certain people. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to talk. I don't— it's not a priority for me. And I really have to look at why I do that. So that's why, again, why we're here. So the key to anything in life is to be aware. Self-awareness is golden, and I'm aware that I have these issues. So in the beginning, I communicate my need for space. I will say, look, you know, I got something to do, I'll call you later. I got something to do, I'll be over there later. I'm not in the mood right now to go back and forth and to spar with you. And sometimes people look at you like, what? But then it's like, I'm doing this for me so that I can show up better. Now, if you're a confrontational, you have to learn how to recognize when your partner needs space and to respect their boundaries and not take offense. You need to frame your discussions less confrontational. Keep it on the I. Say things like, I feel hurt when But a lot of times confrontational personality types will be very accusatory in their tone. So for me, that's not how you get through to me. That's ineffective communication for me, because soon as I feel like I'm being attacked, whether it's real or not, I shut down. Not right now. I don't have time. And Again, it's something that I'm working on that I'm trying to deal with. So there has to be a plan. It has to be a plan of action, like how are we going to attack this issue? Now, right now I'm single, so I don't have anyone that I have to attack an issue with. But in my future, I'm definitely gonna be better prepared to be in a relationship and have better communication because of this therapeutic thing that I'm going through because of the fact that I recognize and I'm seeking out the help and understanding and I'm building my self-awareness. And so in conclusion, I'm gonna let you guys go. I know that was long-winded, but as I reflect on my own tendencies, I realized that being an avoidant doesn't mean I'm incapable of love or connection. It just means that I need to approach relationships with more intention. That I need to exercise more self-awareness. And likewise, if you're a confrontational person, you know, you're not doing too much. You're not, you're not too much. You simply need to process your emotions differently, which I recognize. So now my listeners can recognize that, and then you guys can come to an understanding, right? So when the avoidant and the confrontational personality come together, It definitely can feel challenging because I felt challenged in my last relationship and not in a good way, and I had to walk away from that. But the next time I get into a relationship, I have again more self-awareness. Now, am I the problem? Yeah, sometimes I can be. It's me. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, right? Are you more avoidant or confrontational or in between? Because depending on the situation, you could be in the middle. So me, I'm probably somewhere in between, but leaning more towards avoidant depending on the situation. So let's continue the conversation. You can email me or drop a comment on our social media platform. Thank you so much for spending time with me today. On The Trigger and the Truth. Remember, it's all about uncovering those triggers, finding the truth, and building stronger, healthier relationships for ourselves and with the people around us. If today's episode resonated with you, I'd love it if you'd like, share, and send it to someone who might benefit. Together, we're making mental health and wellness a priority. And always remember, never let your emotions supersede your intelligence. Take care of yourself, be kind to your mind, and until next time, let's keep uncovering truths, one heartfelt conversation at a time.