The First Wound Was Silence: A Truth About Trauma and Protection

Welcome to the Trigger and the Truth podcast. I'm your host Tina White, and this is the space where we take a deep dive into the complexities of relationships— romantic, family, friendships, workplace dynamics, and of course entrepreneurship— and how they intertwine with our mental health and wellness. As a dedicated Tina White, mental health advocate. We don't just have conversations. We lean into the hard truths, peel back the layers, and journey together toward understanding, closure, and personal growth. More than ever, we're on a collective mission to find peace, clarity, and healing. This is your safe space to explore the moments that shaped you, discover your triggers, uncover the truths, and find the healing you deserve. So what Whether you're searching for solace, insight, or a fresh perspective, you're in the right place. If this is your first time tuning in, welcome to the conversation. I'd love for you to like, share, and pass this along to someone who might need some encouragement or insight. Now let's dive into today's episode and start this journey into self-discovery and wellness together. Welcome to The Trigger and the Truth. I'm your host Tina White. So the other day I launched a campaign for TV, so, and I had the phone number, and the phone number is 718-440-5538. And I got a phone call the other day, actually it was a voice message, and a young lady, she was like, you know, she listened to my show and she saw the commercial. So once she saw the commercial, she decided to call, and all she said, she said, you know, I appreciate this show and, um, I like your insight, blah blah blah, can you discuss sexual assault? So it's funny that she mentioned that because in about maybe 2 more episodes I am going to discuss sexual assault and my experience with it. So, but today I'm going to briefly discuss discuss the effects of it and how when someone is sexually assaulted, it changes how you think and it changes how you look at everything. You no longer feel safe. So let me tell you what I've learned, and not just from studying or anything like that, but just from observation. Through lived experience regarding sexual assault and just regarding feeling safe. When someone experiences sexual assault in childhood, the first thing that often goes is their voice. Like, you lose your voice, and not just the voice that you use to speak. I'm talking about your internal voice. I'm talking about your inner voice that says and that tells you, you know what, this isn't safe, you know, this doesn't feel right. Your instinct, your inner compass is shattered because of the violation. Now in my case, when I was younger, I was sexually assaulted by someone who was supposed to to be a caregiver, someone who was supposed to protect us. And it happened several times, right? And I just no longer felt safe. I felt unclean, and I felt like it was my fault. Now, I'm an adult now, and I understand that none of those things were true, but going through years and years of dealing with that It's definitely something that we have to discuss because the people who were supposed to protect me, protect us, me and my siblings, um, they either couldn't or they wouldn't.

To tell the truth, let's unpack a heavy bag that's been bursting at the seams. We owe it to ourselves to hold ourselves accountable, owning our part in the breakdown of a relationship. One of us might be a narcissist, or maybe both of us. Are you willing to tell the truth about your role? Did you burn sage only to pass out from the fumes? Are you perhaps the root cause of the problem? I'll go first. If I'm being honest, I can be problematic when my buttons are pushed or when I feel my boundaries have been crossed. God is still working on me, and that's why we're here. I'm taking this journey with you because I need healing just as much as anyone else. I've had to confront my own tendencies. I've realized that in conflict, I almost always become an avoidant. I shut down, walk away, and don't look back. That's not healthy. So here's the question: can you face yourself and admit to your part? The first step toward healing is honesty.

For my parents, it was a matter of couldn't, because there was a period of time before the crack era, before the HIV/AIDS, before we knew or understand what poverty was, that we had a family intact. Both of my parents were present. My grandparents were always there. My both, both sides, from my maternal and my paternal grandparents, I, all of my uncles. I have 4 uncles, and you know they were there, and I remember them, and I remember my aunties, and I remember there was really truly a village. And so no, it wasn't perfect. And my dad, oh child, he was something else. He was always into something, right? But the one thing that I remember about them, and especially him, is that it didn't matter what else was going on. I had no awareness of neglect. I knew nothing about neglect. I knew nothing about poverty. All I knew is that I had these two parents and I had these grandparents and these people surrounding me, and they were just there for us. And those are core memories for me. Now obviously I can't speak for anyone else, but— and my dad, I, I guess I could speak for everyone when I say my dad was always into something. He was always into it, always in the street and just doing the most. But what I remember the most about him is him carrying me on his shoulders. I always remember that. And I remember him— I just remember him always hugging me and always talking to me and picking me up. And he gave me a nickname. My nickname was Tina Weena Woo. Shay, his nickname was— oh, I don't want to say his his nickname, because I don't know if he would want anybody else to know. I'm not going to tell anybody else's nickname, I'm just gonna tell mine. And I just feel like remembering my dad from back then, it always brings good memories, right? Because by the time we was 10— I was 10 years old, everything had gone left. Right? And I truly can remember. I can close my eyes and I can see his face, and I still remember everything about that time. For whatever reason, I remember those times so vividly in our lives. And I think the reason why I remember everything about that time is because it was a safe environment. That was a time in our lives where we didn't have anything to compare it to. It was always safe, and that's all we knew, right? So I remember how I felt, and then it all came to a point where that crack era was vicious. It took over every neighborhood and every hood all over the United States.

Have a story to tell, a truth to share, or a perspective the world needs to hear? Call or text the Trigger and the Truth hotline at 718-440- 05538. Want to be featured as a guest or explore how your brand can support the mission as a sponsor? This is your invitation. Your voice matters. Call or text 718-440-5538 today.

But I'm from Southside Jamaica, Queens, right? I'm from Queens, and we went through it. Whatever you could think of, we went through it. Whether it was foster care, whether it was sexual assault, whether it was being neglected, whether it was homelessness, whatever you can think of that you don't ever want to think of and you can't even imagine your children today going through, we went through it, right? And sometimes some of the things that we did experience, it wasn't at the hands of strangers. It was at the hands of people that we knew. But anyway, so the people who were in charge of us after the crack era, while we were in foster care, while we were in kinship foster care, they dropped the ball. And for whatever reason, but I understand now today as an adult that people have their own lives. Like, they had things going on, and someone else's 5 children may not necessarily have been a priority for them. And I get it. It's okay today for me because I understand. But for so many years, it wasn't okay because I'm a child and I'm going through this, and I'm wondering like, why is it like this? And Why does she treat us like this? Or why this? Or why that? But now I have answers, right? Because hindsight is 20/20. So losing my parents in the way that I did— because at first it wasn't just losing them to death, it was losing them to the streets, losing them to crack, to heroin, to HIV and AIDS, right? And they were so young. And as a child, you don't realize how young your parents are. You have no clue. But I realized how young they were, and so I'm even more empathetic. And I realized that they, they were children themselves. Like, by the time my mom was 22, she had 5 kids, right? I can't even imagine having 5 children right now, and I'm way past 22. So I'm even more empathetic, and I realize, and I have more compassion for them, because when you truly think about it, they really were children themselves. As a child, you don't even realize how much is going on in your household. All you know and remember is the nurturing, this beautiful warm woman who maybe she's a little taller than you but she's not that much older than you, right? And then you, you remember this, this man who's always there, always present, this nice, handsome, well-dressed, well-articulated, always into something guy who happens to be your dad. You remember him, but you don't realize just how young he is, right? You have no clue. So here it is, all these years later, and obviously like I always say, hindsight is 20/20 and always will be. You think about that, and so you give them grace. But at some point during that crack era, the layer of protection that you once knew from my parents, from my grandparents, it fell apart, right? So the responsibility had fell on me to protect myself as a child. You had to learn that so early on that it's become second nature. But the truth is, how do you protect yourself when no one ever taught you how to? Because all your protection always came from an outside source, whether it was your parents, whether it was your grandparents, your uncles. And then little by little, one by one, They all disappeared, whether it was death, whether it was again to the crack era, whether it was to sickness, and they got caught up. So as, as a person that has gone through this, it was at some point in my journey where I had to find a safe space. But the reality is I had to create a safe space, whether it was me moving to Pennsylvania to be close to someone who I trusted, which is my older brother Or then years later, you know, finding and marrying someone who I thought was safe, but then that turned out not to be true because marriage is not always a safe space for us. And unfortunately, it wasn't a safe space for me. Listen, do you want to know how most conflicts can be avoided? How? Well, by simply allowing people to complete their thought. Most people don't listen in complete sentences. The moment you hear something you either like or dislike, you'll stop listening, and then you wait for the moment to interrupt. Until you're able to listen to the complete message in what's being said, you're gonna miss the entire point, and that's where the breakdown in communication begins. The moral of the story: listen in complete sentences. And not through the lens of your understanding, or for most of us, through the lens of trauma. And unfortunately, it wasn't a safe space for me. Or when I moved back to New York and I'm here, and all of these years later, the— just so many different situations happening with my family that I'm staying quiet about, but then The, the tip of the iceberg was the incident with the sibling. The incident with the sibling was so violent and it was so unexpected that it's taken me again 5 years to be able to sit here and have this conversation, right? To be able to have unpack the trauma. Why? Because my voice was gone. I lost my voice. I lost my sense of safety, and it all stemmed from Everything that happened in childhood, the sexual assault, that was my first encounter with danger, and I was young. And then all of the stuff happened, right? And then fast forward to where the incident that happened in 2020 with the sibling, I had to retreat. And I had to go back into therapy, and I had to be serious about it. And I'm just now feeling safe enough to be able to really discuss everything, right? And you have to be able to do that. You have to create a safe space for yourself before you're able to talk about what happens. Why? Because walking into and replaying everything in your mind is just going to re-traumatize you if you have not healed. So you have to ask yourself, am I physically safe? Do I feel safe in my own mind? Why? Because sometimes your mind can be your worst enemy. Is my spirit protected, or is it under attack every single day? Because here's what I know: when you're constantly surrounded by threats, your body stays in survival mode. And I felt that way for a very long time. Because I didn't know what to expect. I had no clue. Because of how the incident with the sibling happened and how it all played out, my sense of safety was demolished. I had none. And then even though all of these close relationships that I had with certain family members, I didn't want anybody to feel obligated to choose between me and the sibling. So I just stayed away from everyone. I shut everything down. And it's literally taken me all of this time to be able to articulate all of this, right? Because it went on and on and on. And what happened made me go back into survival mode. And then once I turned back to therapy and was really serious about it, I was able to just unpack everything. I no longer felt disconnected. Now, sometimes when you first start the treatment and your therapy, you do feel disconnected because some people, you know— and I'm guilty of this— I'm always quick to suggest therapy and go talk to the lady and all of that stuff. However, If you feel disconnected because you rush to go back into thriving and transformation without really building the one thing that's truly important and what truly matters, which is safety and security.

Are you ready to kick off the new year with purpose, clarity, and healing? Tina White, host of The Trigger and the Truth, is on a mission to break the stigma around mental health in the BIPOC community. With her empowering campaign, Go Talk to the Lady: New Year, New Therapy. This is more than just a podcast episode. It's a call to action. Tina is unpacking the importance of therapy, sharing insights, and encouraging you to take that vital first step toward healing. Making 2025 the Year of the Therapist. Make sure you subscribe to The Trigger and the Truth on your favorite podcast platform and join this transformative movement. Don't keep it to yourself. Share the episode with your friends, family, and anyone who needs to hear it. And here's your chance to get involved. Do you have a story to share? A moment of breakthrough? Or even a question about therapy? Tina wants to hear from you. Send your story or questions by direct message. We will definitely get back to you. This is the year to prioritize your mental health, and The Trigger and the Truth is here to guide you every step of the way. Let's make 2025 the year of the therapist. Together we can change lives. Go talk to the lady. Healing starts now.

You have to feel safe in every aspect of the world. Your children have to be safe. Where you lay your head have to be safe. You have to be financially stable and safe mentally. You have to be able to feel safe. And then you have to be able to trust yourself again, right? But if you're still bracing for impact at every turn, how are you ever gonna heal? You have to be grounded and guided, and it cannot be forced. So again, I know I'm always talking about, oh, go talk to the lady, and oh, therapy, therapy, therapy. But the first thing I need you guys to really do and to really be— and anybody that's listening that's going something that's very traumatic and they don't feel safe, I'm praying that you find a safe space first, that you find a foundation, that you're able to get grounded. And then when you find that space, then you can go talk to the lady, then you seek therapy. And again, I have all the resources that you guys need, right? Because the truth is, I share all of this because I lived it. Like, this is real talk. This is not theory. This is survival turned into insight. And my mission with The Trigger and the Truth is to make sure that you don't just survive, but when you're ready and you have the right tools and the language and the safe space to truly heal, perhaps you can tell your story. Because sharing is definitely caring, right? It's a real thing, and I know people say that and we laugh, but sharing your story and being able to articulate certain thoughts and the things that have happened to you can probably help someone else who didn't have the words to articulate, right? Who might be feeling what you're feeling, may have gone through what you've gone through, and exactly what you've gone through through, but they don't have the voice or the insight, or again, the safe space, or even a thought of mind to find a safe space. Because one thing's for sure and two things for certain: you cannot heal in the same space where you were hurt, where you were traumatized. If you were abused there, you need to move out that space. And it's not always a physical space. It could be maybe at a job with a person, with an experience. Maybe it could be anything. But what I mean is that you can't stay in a situation where you were hurt and expect to heal. It just doesn't happen. I will leave a situation so fast. I refuse today. I'm not talking about— I'm not even talking about 5 years ago. I'm talking about today. I refuse to deal with anything that disturbs my peace. I just can't. Like, physically, I can't do it, and I won't do it. So again, in a couple of more episodes, I'm gonna go into the specifics about a sexual assault that I experienced when I was a teenager, and it was with a person who I trusted. He's a little— he was a little older than me, and how I dealt with it is very common when someone is sexually assaulted. And it was very violent, and it was very traumatizing.

Have a story to tell, a truth to share, or a perspective the world needs to hear? Call or text the Trigger and the Truth hotline at 718-440-5538. Want to be featured as a guest or explore how your brand can support the mission as a sponsor? This is your invitation. Your voice matters. Call or text 718-440-5538 today.

So before you guys go, I know you guys hear barking in the background. I apologize, but that's Oliver. Anybody who knows me knows about Oliver. Oliver is the Broad Street bully. He be doing wrestling moves on Cash, that's his daughter, and his baby mother Ginger Rothstein, she don't like him. So he walk around here with an attitude. So just a little insight into what I'm dealing with around here with this dog. So he barks, I tell him to use his inside voice, he just keep walking. He'd walk past me like I didn't say anything. So I'm all the way upstairs in the podcast room. I'm really trying, but I just need y'all to understand, for a little while longer you're going to be hearing Oliver bark. I'm going to figure out a better way to record, but I just wanted to let you guys know I'm not trying to be funny. That's Oliver. Oliver Barkington. Ask about him. I just want to thank everyone for being here with me today. Sharing this story wasn't easy, but it was freeing. And my hope is that it inspires you to confront your own truth and take steps towards healing. You got to remember, you're not alone. Together, we'll navigate the triggers, uncover the truths, and find paths to clarity and wellness. Until next time. Take care of yourselves and each other. Real talk. Thank you so much for spending time with me today on "The Trigger and the Truth." Remember, it's all about uncovering those triggers, finding the truth, and building stronger, healthier relationships for ourselves and with the people around us. If today's episode resonated with you, I'd love it if you'd like, share, and send it to someone who might benefit. Together, we're making mental health and wellness a priority. And always remember, never let your emotions supersede your intelligence. Take care of yourself, be kind to your mind, and until next time, let's keep uncovering Truths, one heartfelt conversation at a time.