What’s Grief?: Not Just Death—The Losses We Don’t Talk About

Welcome to the Trigger and the Truth podcast. I'm your host Tina White, and this is the space where we take a deep dive into the complexities of relationships— romantic, family, friendships, workplace dynamics, and of course entrepreneurship— and how they intertwine with our mental health and wellness. As a dedicated Tina White, mental health advocate. We don't just have conversations. We lean into the hard truths, peel back the layers, and journey together toward understanding, closure, and personal growth. More than ever, we're on a collective mission to find peace, clarity, and healing. This is your safe space to explore the moments that shaped you, discover your triggers, uncover the truths, and find the healing you deserve. So whether you're searching for solace, insight, or a fresh perspective, you're in the right place. If this is your first time tuning in, welcome to the conversation. I'd love for you to like, share, and pass this along to someone who might need some encouragement or insight. Now let's dive into today's episode and start this journey into self-discovery and wellness together.

What's grief?

According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of grief is—

firstly, grief is a noun.

1.

Deep and poignant distress caused by, or as if by, bereavement. 2. A cause of such suffering. 3. Annoyance or trouble.

Example: He gave me grief for being late.

In everyday terms, grief is the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you deeply care about is taken away. And while it's most often associated with death, grief also applies to lost relationships, identity shifts, trauma, betrayal, and any life-altering change. Even the dictionary can't pin grief down to one definition. So why do we expect people to grieve the same way, on the same timeline, or with the same emotional language?

Grief is personal, it's layered, it's sacred, and how we move through it should be just as unique as the loss itself.

You see how even Merriam-Webster had to give multiple definitions for grief? That's the point. Grief isn't one size fits all. It doesn't have a neat definition, a deadline, or a right way to express it. We all carry grief differently, and we all deserve the space to unpack it in our own time, in our own way, without judgment. That's what We Grieve Differently is all about. Grief doesn't come with a timer. It doesn't fit into a caption. It doesn't make itself digestible just because people around you are uncomfortable with your pain.

Tina White.

Today we open up the conversation so many try to avoid, what grief really looks like, especially in Black and brown communities, where silence is praise and stoicism is mistaken for strength. We talk about why grieving openly is often seen as weakness, how generational and systemic trauma have buried our grief under shame, and what it looks like to actually make space for healing. This episode is a reminder: grief is personal. Grief is layered. And however long it takes, it's valid. Grief doesn't care about your schedule. It doesn't care about your job title. It doesn't matter if you posted a smiling selfie yesterday or if folks expect you to be strong today. Grief will crack through the facade and spill out of every window and door if you keep pretending it's not there. This episode is called "What's Grief?" and we're about to unpack it because too many of us are suffering silently, trying to hold it all in so nobody gets uncomfortable. Mm, and that ends today. What we're unpacking. Why we've been conditioned to grieve quietly or not at all, the generational backlog of loss we carry and barely acknowledge, how grief shows up when it's been ignored for too long, the myth of being unbothered and what it's really costing us, the courage it takes to let your grief be seen and heard.

A wise man once said, "The liar knows the lie they told." That's the truth that sets the stage for this entire book. It's not just a quote, it's a reminder that when someone lies, They're not confused. They're strategic. They remember exactly what they said, who they said it to, and how deeply they needed it to land. America knows the lies it's told about Black people, about our families, our communities, our worth. The system knows it fabricated narratives about crack babies, absentee fathers, welfare queens, and thug culture.

It remembers every lie it printed, broadcasted, and tweeted. Taught in schools.

And now it scrambles to maintain the illusion, to distract us from discovering the full truth.

But that's the thing about truth—

it doesn't disappear just because you ignore it. In this book—

this book is Truth Uncovered— some journeys don't start at the beginning. They begin in the shadows, at the corners of our memories, where pain and survival still whisper. This is Southside Jamaica, Queens, where laughter and loss share the same hallway. Where kids like me were born into promise, then ambushed by a war we didn't start. We were the collateral damage of the crack era, the forgotten ones. But we didn't disappear, we lived. This is for the ones who didn't. For the stories that were stolen, distorted, or drowned in silence. We Grieve Differently, part memoir, part historical account of the crack era and its impact on one family, as told by Tina White. Coming soon to a bookshelf near you.

The grief we were never allowed to have. In our community, being strong became a survival skill. And somehow grief got labeled as weakness. We've learned to brush off death, betrayal, childhood trauma, incarceration, abuse, like it's just another Tuesday. Meanwhile, we're grieving things we were never even given permission to grieve. The parent we needed but never had. The safe childhood that never came. The innocence we lost too soon. Let's be clear, grief isn't just about death, it's about loss. Loss of trust, loss of time, loss of identity, loss of dreams you had to bury to survive. I'll tell you right now, it's taken decades, literal decades, to even find the words, to sit still enough and make space for my grief to speak. I used to think I had to be polished, perfect, healed, But what I learned was that grief doesn't wait for you to be camera ready. It just needs you to be ready. And I finally was. People deal with loss in so many ways. The most devastating loss I've experienced has been the loss of my parents. My dad passed away over 33 years ago, more than half my life, and before he died, we were going through it as a family. But when Jackie died, the feeling was different. The pain was both numb and sharp at the same time. I walked around in a fog and could barely say her name without crying for years. It's been a quarter century, and here's what I know for sure: there is no loss like that of your mom, especially if you had a mom like mine. That's why I'm letting it spill out. In this podcast, and I won't get too deep into it because I've dedicated an entire chapter to both my mom and dad in my upcoming book, We Grieve Differently. I'm done bottling it up for other people's comfort because it's killing us. Let people grieve, period. Stop policing how people grieve.

Stop expecting folks to get over it.

When you never even asked if they were okay. People are grieving in real time while raising children, running businesses, taking care of families, showing up on Zoom calls with a smile, and they are dying inside. So my message: let people grieve how they grieve. Don't just tolerate it. Honor it. Respect it. Pray that the universe gives you the same space and grace one day when your grief shows up. Grief is not weakness, it's a sacred process, and it's not your job to make it palatable for other people. If you're grieving right now, whether you've spoken it or not, I see you, I honor you, and I pray you let it out before it burns you from the inside. This is the trigger and the truth We don't sugarcoat, we tell it like it is. So if this hit you, share it with someone who's still hiding their heartbreak. Let this episode be their permission slip to tell the truth.

Let's unpack a heavy bag that's been bursting at the seams. We owe it to ourselves to hold ourselves accountable, owning our part in the breakdown of a relationship. One of us might be a narcissist, or maybe both of us. Are you willing to tell the truth about your role? Did you burn sage only to pass out from the fumes? Are you perhaps the root cause of the problem? I'll go first. If I'm being honest, I can be problematic when my buttons are pushed or when I feel my boundaries have been crossed. God is still working on me, and that's why we're here. I'm taking this journey with you because I need healing just as much as anyone else. I've had to confront my own tendencies. I've realized that in conflict, I almost always become an avoidant. I shut down, walk away, and don't look back. That's not healthy. So, here's the question: Can you face yourself and admit to your part? The first step toward healing is honesty.

Thank you so much for spending time with me today on "The Trigger and the Truth." Remember, it's all about uncovering those triggers, finding the truth, and building stronger, healthier relationships for ourselves and with the people around us. If today's episode resonated with you, I'd love it if you'd like, share, and send it to someone who might benefit. Together, we're making mental health and wellness a priority. And always remember— Remember, never let your emotions supersede your intelligence. Take care of yourself, be kind to your mind, and until next time, let's keep uncovering truths, one heartfelt conversation at a time.