E1 - Renee Graziano

Hi, I'm Janae Luciani Senna. Welcome to Visible Panty Lines, AKA vpl, the pod. These are transparent conversations of inspiration, encouragement, and overcoming adversity. And what a lot of people don't realize about me, you might know me as a bra expert, someone who's on tv, someone who writes books. I have a bra line, but I am a journalist 22 years now, and something that I really love, besides helping women, is hearing their stories. And I'm super excited. My first guest is here. We've been trying to get this together for the longest time ever. I don't even think she really needs any introduction. Welcome, Renee Graziano. Everybody know? Yay. I'll clap, clap from our audience.

Thank you.

So Renee is probably, I guess you would say, best known for the show Mob Wives, which you and your. Basically your genius sister. I think really the whole thing was genius created and really just sharing the stories, I guess. Right. If people aren't familiar, if you've been like, living under a rock and you didn't see the show, I watched it religiously every season. But if people don't understand, really, you were kind of sharing the story of what it was like growing up, your dad being in the Mobile and kind of growing up in New York and then some of your friends and people in your circle. Right. So that's really kind of what it was all about. And it really interesting kind of insight into it. So I guess that's the best way to describe it.

Yes. First, let me say that my sister Jennifer is the creator, the ep. I had nothing to do with that. I was like, in front of the camera. So I think that both Jennifer and I worked well together in that situation. She doesn't have the personality to, like, get up, and she's very intellectual, and I'm very, like, colorful, you know. So I think that that's where the yin and the yang came in to it, as far as growing up in that world. You know, I grew up having a tremendous respect for the underworld, which sounds so abnormal to me now. I grew up thinking that things can be taken care of by a person disappearing. You know, that person hurt that person. They gotta go today. I could tell you I'm a different person than that. I love my father. My father was a man's man, you know, he passed three years ago.

Sorry. Thank you.

And since then, I've dealt with a lot of difficulty trying to find my own self because I was always Anthony Graziano's daughter.

Identified. Yep. As that. Yep.

So.

And you are Renee? Yes. Absolutely not just Anthony's daughter.

Correct. And I'm not just a mob wife and I think that's what people don't know about me as well. I'm way more than that. I have no complaints about my upbringing. I loved my lifestyle. It's a complaint. It would be an adjustment, not a complaint. Everything my father did, he did for his family. So that's where that loyalty for me comes in. Like I had a father who taught us how to, you know, respect and that loyalty, the problem with that being taught that is sometimes you pledge your loyalty to the wrong people because you.

Think you love them.

And that's speaking on my ex husband, you know, my loyalty was so great and we saw that play out in mob wise. My loyalty to him was so great that I was blinded by the fact that he was a, you know, a confidential federal informant rat, as I would like to say.

What? Right. Wow. Yeah.

Right.

So.

Yeah, it was very hard because there was also a lot of physical, emotional, mental and sexual abuse happening to me. But because I was so you tell me. I can't tell. I didn't realize. I should have told my father. I should have told somebody. But when you, you know, believe what you're being told, don't ever tell. It makes you a bad person. You're a rat. No one's going to trust you. I kept that. So that's the one thing that changed my outlook on my lifestyle and on my loyalty. I wasn't being loyal to myself. And that right there, you know, in the last, I would say even more so in the last 30 days. I can't even tell you how much that has shifted for me about the loyalty to myself before somebody else without being selfish.

Yeah. And it's not selfish. That's the thing. But I can imagine like people don't realize, not to get like too psychological, but your upbringing really is the foundation for how you live out your life. Like I know with my divorce, it was very triggering as a child of divorce and kind of like feeling abandoned and all this other stuff that once I was in my adult life, like all this shit was triggered basically. So, so you're like, you have all these years of being told like, you know, these things are kept in secrecy, like these things aren't talked about. You know, this is the way that we handle things and it's like not necessarily healthy. So in turn, like many, many people do, you turned to.

Oh, I self medicated. It wasn't just self medicating though, Jenna. It was, it was my addiction Started with power. It started with men. It started with lifestyle. Like, drugs was the. And, you know, I grew up in the era. It was the champagne and cocaine era. It was like the thing back then. But it wasn't until I started experiencing, you know, learned behaviors. I have learned behaviors, and at 53 years old, I'm still trying to unlearn those behaviors. Yeah, 53 years old. I'm still not 100% at 53 years old. Well, I look good at 53.

You look amazing, by the way.

I have to attribute that to recovery. I have battled my addiction, and my addiction just is not drugs. Like, I, I. You know, people put me in the box of that. No, it. There's.

Most people are addicted to multiple thing. Like, once you start connecting the dots, you're like, oh, I've had this my whole life. Even if it wasn't drugs or wasn't alcohol at that time. Absolutely. Yeah.

It's, you know, shopping, men, attention. Like, people are addicted to getting attention.

Yeah.

I was addicted to being depressed at one point in my life. Like, it felt so much better to be depressed, and it felt so much better to be in an unhealthy relationship, because that was more normal to me. That was. I was addicted to bad men. Like, you know, Xanax for me, was my solution. It was just a solution. It was a coping mechanism. Yes, I'm an addict. I understand that. But I would tell you that there's 15 other things ahead of Xanax for me, that was just at the very end of. Of using for me. I wanted to bury myself but be alive. And that's, like, super real. I can't even believe I just said that, but I did. I wanted to completely be visible to what society wants me to look like physically. So plastic surgery, that became a thing with me. You know, I want to be this beautiful person, but I don't want you to be able to touch me on the inside, because the inside was so raw that the mirror. I fear of someone maybe giving me a kiss on the forehead or touching my skin would make me feel like an alien and, like, I just don't want to breathe, you know? And that's very sad for somebody who's like me. I grew up like one of the happiest kids and very rambunctious and hyper and like, the cheerleader and, you know, so positive to becoming cold and not cold. I could never be cold. But negative.

Yeah.

You know, and that's the world. That's that, you know, when you see death, when you go to more funerals than you do weddings. Your. Your. Your brain is like, oh, death. That's normal. Oh, that guy got shot. Oh, that guy got blown up. Oh, they found him in a trunk. Oh. Oh, he must have did something bad. That's. That is. You know, I don't want to. I don't know if I'm allowed to.

Curse, but, yes, feel free.

Sick. That's a twisted brain. So for me, I had to numb out on so many things when my father went to jail. The first time was just for a few years. The second time, it was 12 years. The third time, like, another three years. You're numbing yourself. And my father never once abandoned me. But I just learned something the other day with my therapist. You know, I've never not been there for my son. Monetarily. My son has had everything, you know, physically present, but I wasn't always mentally present.

Right. How could you be?

Right? But that. And this is very upsetting for me to say, but I think I have to say it out loud so I can actually understand the serious. Forgive me for getting emotional to understand the seriousness behind it. That's also a form of abandonment. Like, just because you're there doesn't mean that you're there. And, you know, a therapist said that to me in the beginning of Mob Wives, like, in one of the few episodes, and I literally got off my chair and almost choked the shit out.

Of her because how dare you tell.

Me my father abandoned me. How dare. My father didn't abandon me. My father did what he had to do. In a. In a way, it did affect me.

Yeah.

Why I latched on to people is because I was afraid. Who's that male figure? And my father. My father, to me, was the greatest of all times, but it affected my mental state, and it made me insecure, and people would look at me, never think that I was insecure. You know what I mean?

You hid it well, and no one taught you how to be a parent. You know what I mean? Like, as a parent, we second guess ourselves all the time. I always feel like that, like, the kids. My husband bust my balls constantly about being on my phone, But I am, like, I've always almost been addicted to work and, like, furthering my career and, like, getting myself out there and becoming more known. And I feel like probably a lot of that stems from my childhood where I felt invisible and not seen a lot of the time, and an only child and, like, very lonely. And, like, my parents went through this really terrible divorce, and then my mom went through another terrible situation with a man that, like, all just impacts you. And it's like, then you become a parent and it's like, who's teaching you how to be present, how to. You know, like, my husband constantly says, like, you're here, but you're not here. Like, be here. And then that goes through your mind. Then you get that mom guilt, you know, like, did I do enough? Am I doing enough? Like, it's just. It's really hard and people don't understand. I think as women, too, like, we especially put that pressure on ourselves to be perfect. Well, society perfect. Yeah. Perfect body for our husbands in lingerie. Perfect mom at the pta. You know, now you have to have a career. Right? Like, who can really? Not anymore. So, like, add that on top of it. It's like, it's a lot. It's a lot of pressure. Like, of course, you know, I'm always joking, like, with the Prosecco, like, every night. But it's like, that's my only time where I, like, sit down and it's for me, where I'm like, drinking my Prosecco, you know, maybe watching like a Netflix show.

Right. So, no, I completely. Yeah, it's extremely hard. And for me, it was harder because I had to measure up to this.

Yeah.

And by no means did. Did I think my father under. Would be able to understand that by measuring up to, like, well, never going to be as great as dad. Well, dad is in a different lane. But you have to be the greatest. You have to be the top of everything. And I wasn't. I wasn't me. I was the clown. I love making everybody laugh. I didn't know how to be serious about certain things because I couldn't deal with my feelings as a child. Like, I was much more hyperactive back then. You would never say, oh, she's ADD or adhd.

She's dyslexia.

You know what I mean?

You never. Yeah, I should have been medicated a.

Long time ago, but because there have been embarrassment and a stigma.

Stigma.

You know, in this world, we. We don't even allow our children. Listen, I. I'm not about medicating the child. You know what I mean? But when. When someone needs it, you know, you do it. If there's therapy, you do it. If you have to go back to treatment, like, I have, like, 10 times do it. You know what I mean? And I'm not embarrassed to say that because you know what? I would be more embarrassed to tell you that I quit. Quit on myself than I would Be to tell you I keep going. And today I tell you I keep going.

Yeah, I mean, I totally get that. And so interesting to the point, too. Like, I have. We have three kids with adhd. Right. So it's like, if had there been diagnosis when, like, we were younger, maybe that would have helped some of the struggles. However, the struggles make you like who you are and everything that you're, you know, doing today. So you had a couple of interesting names help you through your treatment and everything. Do you want to share with our listeners about that or in reference to what.

What do you mean specific? Like therapy or where.

I helped you. They helped you through. From what you told me when we talked on the phone, they helped you through your getting sober, basically.

Oh, I know you're talking about.

I didn't know if you wanted to share or not.

What I will say is this. I have been to several treatment centers, and every one of them have always tried to help me. I'm going through something right now in my life, and I'm in New Jersey. It's Garden State Treatment center. And they are. I'm dealing a lot with not being able to cope properly. Like, I get so excited, and I don't know how to handle that because of the change with my father dying that I. My addiction. Like, when I tell you they talk about the grip of this disease. I can't even tell I'm a strong woman. I have. I've walked out of a marriage where he knocked the shit out of me. I beat the dog so many other ways, but this one, it's like the devil has my. By my ankles, and he just pulls and pulls and pulls.

Yeah.

Firmly believe it's because I'm a really good soul and I'm supposed to help someone.

So.

With the help of some very strong women. One being. Her name is Nicole. She's phenomenal. She's sitting across me. I'm gonna actually start to cry.

Hi, Nicole.

Hi. Nicole has, like, a heart hysteria like I do, you know, And I am so nervous someone isn't gonna like me. So one day I walked up to her. I'm like, why don't you like me?

And I kid you not. We were in the supermarket and we started talking, and I cannot believe what a connection I feel with her and the strength that she actually supplies me. When I see her walking down the hallway, you know, she stands her ground. She's firm in her recovery. She's firm in her position here. She's a woman that you look up to.

Sounds like an amazing person.

Absolutely. And I have.

We all need a Nicole in our life.

We all need a Nicole, and we all need a Mary, because Mary is my therapist. And let me tell you. Let me tell you how God and my father are working from heaven. So I have a hard time, like, getting with the therapist because you're never going to understand my background. You don't come from what I.

Right. That's a good question.

That's the facade. You can't get inside of me, and I'm not going to allow you. And you can't talk about my father because if you talk about. I thought. Let me tell you what. My father is born November 12, 1940. Yesterday. I'm in therapy.

Yeah.

And I talk and I go, when's your sign? She goes, I'm a Scorpio. I go, what's your birthday? She said, November 12th.

No way.

I swear on my grandchildren, p. S.

My dad's a Scorpio, too, and his name is Anthony.

I have to tell you that. He's November 21st.

Oh, you're first.

Enough is right. That's why I'm like, it's so crazy you're saying this right now.

I'm getting signs wherever I go. Wherever I go.

He's helping you, no doubt.

Everywhere I go, I see ag. It's just.

Yep.

I think my first meeting.

You're on the right path, basically. Yeah. You're. He's telling you this is where you need to be. Yep. Yep.

Stay.

Yep.

Don't be embarrassed because you're. I. You know, my two sisters are extremely strong, but I don't know many people that can be an addict, and they don't realize how strong addicts are. Addicts that go to recovery are some of the, like, come to treatment or some of the.

No doubt.

Well, I have ever experienced no doubt. The adversity that we face is different, but the same as a childhood. Special needs. Yeah, it's different, but the same as a person coming out transgender. It's different, but the same. We're not normal people. We're not.

But it's also not normal that you are a celebrity. You are famous. Right. And you are openly sharing that. And that's. A lot of people in your position would spend a lot of money to try to cover it up or not share it with the public. And that's what I love to, Like, I follow you on social media, obviously. We chat on social media all the time. And, like, of course, there's tons of haters, trolls, like, the people that come out and you like, don't ever. Which I love. You don't ever address them. You don't ever try to convince them they're wrong. You just keep on going. You do your thing. You're you on there. You do your dancing. Like you're posing. Whatever you want to do, you do. And you're, like, open. So it's like, yes, you may have this hard shell, or you feel like you don't want people to see you on the inside. But you, in my opinion, you actually are very open. Like, you're, you know, not sitting here saying, no, I'm perfect, and I'm this and that. You're just. You're you. And that, I think, is a beautiful thing. Like, those are the people that I call lightworkers. Like, I consider myself to be a lightworker. I consider you to be a lightworker because you are showing other people, like, hey, we all have flaws. Doesn't matter how you grew up. Doesn't matter if you're famous. Doesn't matter if nobody knows your name. You are you. Embrace you, and it's okay. It's okay. And I, like, really respect that. I so respect that about you.

Thank you. A diamond is brilliant because of all the facets. Yeah, I have many facets. You know what I mean?

And sometimes rough around. Hardest stone there is rough around the edges that need polishing.

You know, you need polish. And I'm. I'm not perfect. You know what I mean? You know, my nose, the doctor. But I'm not perfect.

Same girl, same, but you know what I mean? And that's.

That's the one thing I have to tell you I do love about myself, is I'll joke about it. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Sometimes I had to realize that at particular points in my life, I was joking about myself to try to get myself through the pain, but I was hurting myself more by being the butt of jokes. No pun intended.

It's good that you're aware of that, too. Like, to be aware of that. I went through that sort of thing too. Like, hey, if people can laugh at me or with me, they're not laughing at me. Right? Like, it's like, you're part of the joke. You're in on the joke. It's all a defense mechanism. It's all defense mechanism.

But what I realized is I don't. You know, I was skeptical about saying what I did about, you know, treatment center and.

And.

And everything, but if I don't say it and I don't pay it forward.

To somebody I'm not going to receive.

It on the levels that I can. So, yeah, my job, and I feel that this is a job given to me by God, is to help save someone else. I firmly believe that all of my life. If you had asked my mother, I would love for you to ask my dad, but unfortunately, they'll tell you I've been bringing people home. Oh, Daddy.

Yeah.

They don't have what we have. Oh, Mom. You know, it's. It's just something, you know, it's like an innate sense inside of me that says, hey, God gave me extra. Let me share it.

Yeah.

So there's also that in the Bible, God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. My son. My son is one of them. Soldiers.

Absolutely.

And that, for me, I did that even. Even with the addiction I built him. You know what I mean? That's always been me and him.

Just you and him. Yeah. Right, right. Single mom, too. That's another challenge to add on to. Everything else is raising your son, you know, and then also, you kind of did it in the spotlight. You were, you know, being filmed while he was being raised. Those, like, formative years, right. Where he messing up and stuff. But he's doing it on camera, you know, like, so unique of a situation.

I'm so Blessed to have A.J. you know, A.J. says to me that, you know what else you taught me, Ma? Not to do drugs or not to stay in depression. And his father definitely told him not to do drugs and drink and. And be disloyal. You know what I mean? My son got many life lessons at a very young age, and I'm super proud he has two children.

Yeah. Your grandma.

Yeah.

A glamour. A glamour.

And then soon you'll hear a little bit more about families expanding.

She has for me.

But I am excited to be a grandmother to my grandchildren. I'm excited to be where I am today in. In my recovery. I'm excited to say, hey, let's stop bullying people. Like, I. I know Ish on Mob Wives, but I saw something about Garcelle. Garcelle's son from.

Oh, my God. Yes, it is. They were really mean to her about him. Yeah.

And he said, I didn't sign up for this show, and it touched. It hit home for me for my son. So much so, you know, much love and respect to Garcelle, and she's a way more classy mom than me because I would have been up to school ready to fight everybody's mother. I want to tell Garcelle, if you need someone to do the dirty work. Please call me very much. I'm right here.

Right.

I love that.

That is so funny. So I know you're amongst everything else that you're doing, you're developing a clothing line of loungewear. So you have, like, all this stuff going on. So what should we look for? Where can we buy it? That sort of thing.

Okay, so it's in development right now, and it's so Renee by Renee Graziano. And it's just me. I've always. I grew up loving ostrich feathers. And, like, my mom was. My mom was. Looked like Raquel Welch when she was young, gorgeous, and always had this extravagant way about her. And that was. That's the mob Renee.

That's.

Oh, look at me. The Holly. Let me change that. That's the Hollywood Renee. I don't. I don't have to be all mobbed up. I could be like, old house.

I love the mob look, you know, I always. It's so funny because I like growing up Italian American and Italian American family. Like, there was always the joke that everybody's connected. Like, you all are in the mock. Even if it's not your father, it's like your cousin, like, your uncle. Like, my first job at NBC, I walk into the newsroom and there's the newspaper, the New York Post with a big picture. And I just happen to say, like, oh, my God, I know him. Like, that's Carmine. Whatever, you know, and it's like, really, Janae? You know, I'm like, yeah, you know, his uncle is my dad's godfather, Like, Don Agnello, whatever. And they're like, yeah, he's married to Victoria. Got.

Right. So it's like, just funny that it didn't phase me that that was like, your life and how you grew up. And I think, like, whatever. Like, it's a part of our heritage as Italian Americans. Like, it just is what it is.

It was a part of history. The Mafia was.

Yeah.

But it's not going to be my legacy. It's not going to be what I want people to know.

You want people to know you. For you. Who is Renee?

Renee is way more than a mob wife. I'm an author of three books. I. I'm a grandmother, a loungewear line. I'm a life coach. Like I said, I'm that brilliant diamond with all the facets, and I'm.

So when is the lounge line?

I got that North Star shine going on, right?

You do. I love it. So when is the. When is the line coming out?

It'll be out by December. Maybe sooner. Yeah.

On your website.

Sooner on the website, which is going to be a whole new introduction to everything. So the website isn't fully prepared yet, but I have it. I will come back on your show, and we will talk.

Yay. Perfect. I know. I feel like I definitely need to have you back, because I feel like.

I would love it.

There's so many more things that we want to talk about, need to talk about, could talk forever. So we have to make plans. We'll have you back on. That way everybody can get your stuff as Christmas gifts. And I know I definitely want some of the items because I work from home in my pajamas all the time.

Raw. That you. That you made.

Oh, my God.

Big chest that. It keeps my boobs in place like that.

I love that.

Absolutely.

And it has no wire.

It's very.

People were, like, shocked. Yeah. Yes. That was. And that was like, kind of like you, where you just want to do something to brighten people's lives. Like, I obviously, I'm a. You know, I'm a bra expert. I have this kind of as my niche, so I know a lot about bras. But then just adding the crystal element as something that's, like, uplifting that you don't have to think about. Yes. So it's nice. I'm so excited for everything that you have going on. I'm gonna try to get together with you at some point because you're not that far away from me now, so we'll definitely have to get together.

Absolutely.

Yeah. And thank you so much for taking the time. Absolutely. For chatting with me today, and good luck with everything, and thank you for letting.

Speak about recovery so freely and, you know, helping. Helping pain forward.

So we're going to keep tabs on your progress, too.

I'll give you some more information on the treatment center, on places that people can go, hotline numbers that we could put up at the same time.

Yeah. And where can people follow you? It's just at Renee Graziano. I think you're Rene Graziano. Yep.

And my TikTok is real Renee Graziano, because I come like a little kid on TikTok now, which is so fun.

Which is so fun. I watch your stuff every day. I'm like, what you gonna be dancing to today? What you gonna be wearing? You always look so happy and, like. Well, that's like.

I love the silky thing you had on or whatever. The little set. I was like, yes, I need that. Oh, good. Perfect.

Yes. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

God bless.

Bye.

And you've been listening to Visible Panty Lines VPL the pod. A new episode drops every Sunday and so be sure to tune in. Share it with your friends if you liked it. Lots of really cool guests coming up and have a great one.