E2 - Jimanekia Eborn “Trauma Queen”

Hi, everyone, and welcome to Visible Panty Lines, AKA vpl, the pod. These are transparent conversations of inspiration, encouragement, and overcoming adversity. And my first guest today is perfect for that because not only does she know all about that in her own life, but she helps other people going through adversity, adverse situations, major things in their lives as well. Jiminika Eborn. Hello.

Good. It's what? It's morning. Good morning.

I know, I'm like, what is it? What day is it? What time is it? My kids haven't gone back to school yet, so I still am, like, all over the freaking place. But I'm so glad you took some time to talk with me today and we'll get into your whole bra and boob connection a little bit later and kind of how I found you, basically. But I'm so glad that I did because then I got to read a little bit about you. I read your article in Marie Claire from last year and I got to see, like, you are doing such cool things. You're amazing. And, you know, people know me mainly as a bra expert and being on TV and a writer, but I am a journalist for more than 20 years, first and foremost, and I really want to hear about other women's stories, too, and kind of share those, and I think yours is perfect. So just to tell our listeners a little background about you, you are branded essentially as the trauma queen and based on not only what you went through in your own childhood, but your career that you built for yourself. So can you share, like, how did you become the trauma queen, basically?

You know, trauma.

Yeah, yeah.

So I always like to preface it with I'm going to say a hard thing. Yeah, I just like to get people. Get your feelings ready. We're going to say some hard things. So I am a child of trauma. If anyone Googles me, it's in the world. My mother was murdered in front of me when I was one by my sperm donor. He doesn't get any other title besides Raggedy Ones, so we'll keep it there. And I was with my grandparents, her parents, who let me just, like, be me and explore. And they were always like, oh, she's going to be different.

We love different.

They're still welcome. I didn't get in trouble. I didn't do anything. I read a lot. I watched a lot of TV because of my mother. I wanted to help domestic violence survivors. And so I was like, how do I do this? I went to school for criminal justice because I grew up a Law and Order SVU kid. Like many of us have.

Oh, me too. Yes.

I'm going to be a detective. And then I was like, your burnout rate is not what it is on tv. We are. That's not realistic. And then it happened to be my third year of college, I was raped. And I always like to say that I have been raped once, but I've been sexually assaulted more times than I can account for. And I think that is such a way to say it, that make people go, oh, wait, that's. It's like. I always say, it's like the club that no one wants to be in that most.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, get my invitation, Just ignore me. I don't want to be there.

Yeah, right. Yeah.

And. And from there, I spiraled, like many people do. I became fun, but really, I was traumatized. I didn't share that. I was raped for seven years.

Wow.

But while I was doing that, I had started working in mental health. I am someone my therapist told me many years ago. She's like, I've never met anyone like you that heals through their work and, like, doesn't mess people up. And I was like, thank you so.

Much.

But my first job. But you're healing yourself, probably in the process.

Yeah. My first job.

Not just other people. Like, your own way of working through what happened to you?

I became a counselor as volunteer work, and that's truly what changed my life.

That's amazing.

I started working mental health facilities and then the burnouts. So I was like, I want to do something fun. And I was like, sex was like, oh, hell.

Okay, Grams, cover your ears.

Yeah, she's fine. But it was like, you know, you look at all the sex educators, which I love them, but what about the people that can't get to the lubes, the toys? Like, most of us have trauma, so that's what I get to do. And I think what I get to do is so much fun. People are always like, what? I was like, I love talking about trauma. I love being able to get people over humps. I love being able to help someone get out of bed every day.

Right.

Like, see their body and have pleasure in and, like, learning just them. Because so many of us get so disconnected. So that's the cool things I get to do. I have a nonprofit for marginalized sexual assault survivors because there's such a barrier to care. And that's something that I noticed working in facilities. If you basically weren't a this hetero white woman, you didn't get the same support.

Yeah.

And I was like, that's not fair. Like, it's really.

So that's must be. You're amazing. So that actually leads me to my next question, but I just want to say, like, touch on a point that you talked about. So many women, whether they realize it or not, or have come forward or come to terms with it, have experienced some form of sexual assault, whether you are right now, whether you are outwardly saying or even, you know, admitting to yourself that it happened to you. I can think of instances in my life in college where I'm like, that was certainly. Certainly fall under that. And my guest last week, Renee Graziano, who a lot of people know because she was on the show Mob Wives, she actually talks a lot about her in her marriage, that she was experiencing that, and she's now only all these years later, coming to terms with that. So I'm sure in your work, you're encountering that a lot and kind of having to. You're. You're getting the women who already knew something happened to me. Right. But then there's all these other women, probably all of us out there who can say, you know what, some things happened that weren't right that I just never told anybody or never admitted to myself that shouldn't have happened to me. Right. And what's interesting, too, is you said, you know, the only people up until you basically, who are being served, you know, white heterosexual women. So you talk a lot about, in articles and on social media and everything that you put out there about how being a queer black woman and how, you know, that shaped you as a person. So talk a little bit about how that's kind of playing into your work, helping other people.

Yeah, absolutely. So, you know, I identify as bisexual, queer, and there's a lot of biphobia. I've been harmed by men and women and people like, well, how can you. That's not real. I'm like, humans can harm humans. Literally, that.

Absolutely, yeah.

So it's so much overlooked in, like, all of these communities. And then a lot of communities are underserved and not believed. And I think that also is why I didn't share for so long, is because I was like, no, believe me. Right. And that's a fear that many people have because we're sexual beings. Like, yeah, have the sex you want, but other people will judge you for that. And they title on you. And it's because I've been talking about this a lot. It goes from shame to guilt. And that's the guilt that we hold on to that stops us from getting to where we need to be.

It's so true. And the shame part, I think most people, that's the part they can't get over. Right. They don't even make it to the next phase. And there's a. There's a really amazing place right here in Schenectady, New York. It's called Patty's Place. And they actually service sex workers locally. I just feel like it's so interesting among other. Among other groups of women. But. But I found that really interesting because I think people think you go down that path, you're choosing that, and it's like you are abused every single day in that life, in that world, and you probably feel like you can't get out of it. And I actually made a bra donation to them, some inventory that I had from my bra line, and I was like, you know what? They probably need bras. And I did, and I brought them a big box of bras, and they were like, oh, my God, that's so amazing. Like, we need this, you know? Yeah. So it's like, I feel like. I love that you're pointing out all of these groups of people out there. I don't want to just say women, people who identify as women, people who identify otherwise, maybe born as women. But these groups of people out there that just are. Aren't being served, don't have a place to go, don't feel like they have a place to go. And you're out there publicly as a voice, like, hey, you're. So you can be safe. Someone can help you. Right? Which is. Which is really amazing. So how do you feel like the people that you work with has really helped you heal personally from that horrible event that you, you know, went through in childhood and then beyond, you know.

I think because I was able to just be like, here's the thing. I'm a word volunteer. Ask my girlfriend.

You're an open person in general.

I'm like, here's a voice note of my feelings today.

Like, yeah, I like that too. So I totally relate to that Open book hard on your sleeve.

Yeah.

Right.

I think what I've learned is everything, right? Like, I'm constantly learning from the people I get to work with. And I work with all types of people, all backgrounds, all nationalities, all races. And what I continue to learn is we're all just trying to make it, like, right. All just trying to be present. We're trying to find joy. We're trying to figure out how to eat every day. Because I don't know about you sometimes that Is a struggle.

Yes. Yeah.

We're just in it. And I truly think that everything that I get to do is a gift. Right. Like, people choose to come and sit with me. People trust that I'm going to hold space for them. And I think it's also because I'm very candid, like, going through what I'm going through now. I'm like, here's what I'm feeling. Like maybe this, maybe this because I've gotten feedback from people, like, for me to have like support groups. I create support groups and stuff for survivors to have people in other countries, like, thank you for existing.

Yeah, yeah.

Such a mind boggling because I'm like, I'm just a regular girl from SoCal.

That'S running, has to be brilliantly smart.

Let's be honest.

It's a gift.

Right. And so. So how old were you when you. When this happened with your parents? You're with your mother. The tragic thing that happened. Okay, so you were a baby, basically.

Yeah.

When did you get to the point where you could talk about it? Or have you always been able to talk about it because your grandparents really just helped you?

I think I was, I was able to talk about it in what they gave me. Right. Like, I knew it was for them. Right.

Like, yeah.

Killed right around Christmas time.

And she was their child. This was your mother's parents? Correct. Okay.

And so it's the second daughter that they had lost. My oldest aunt had died of lupus, so it's like their second daughter.

And then, oh, my goodness, these poor people.

Then they got a whole child. They're like, we were done raising kids and then we got you. And I was like, you're welcome.

Are you the only grandchild?

No, I'm the oldest of seven.

Oh, wow. Okay.

Yeah, I'm the best.

You were an only child from your parents?

Yes.

Yes. Okay. So you were alone essentially in what you went through. Yeah. Which I totally relate. I was an only child until my parents gave me step siblings and whatever. But going through their divorce when people weren't really getting divorced and none of my friends parents were divorced and I was a little kid and I was by myself. It was really lonely and, you know, traumatizing.

And also, let's be honest, sometimes kids are awful. Like when you're saying, like, I can remember things and I'm like, I should have. I should have tripped that little girl.

Oh, my gosh, me too. I bullied terribly during that time. I was bullied terribly as a child. And now we're doing like A therapy session, because I just feel like I can talk to you, but it's like, I. I get it. I was bullied terribly as a child, and I remember being bullied since specifically for wearing the same outfit a couple times and having a hole in the pants of one of them. And now I know that it was because my mom literally had 70 cents in her wallet and was trying to make ends meet, keep our house, you know, keep. She didn't have any money. She was a single mom, and, you know, she was doing the best she could for me. And I would be like, why do we eat Hamburger Helper every night? Or, like, ziti with meat sauce? I was like, I can't eat it to this day. Right, right. Because it was, like, every day. But that's what she could afford. And kids I remember. And I even remember who the kid was because I still want to help her out. I remember her name and everything. And I actually tried to help her as an adult because she needed help, and she's in the entertainment industry. And I was like, make giving her connections, being the person that I am. Like, you try to help people. And she made fun of me for the hole in my pants. And I was so sad about it and didn't understand why. I was like, oh, I just really like this outfit. Meanwhile, like, my mom really. I wasn't getting stuff from the Gap or Abercrombie or whatever, you know what I mean? It was like she could barely put food on the table. So, you know, looking back, like, obviously you have so much more appreciation for the people who, like, sacrifice so much to raise you and make you the amazing human that you are today.

So now you're very active and visible on social media. We already talked about. You're like an open book, just like me. Right. We kind of share everything that happens in our lives and in an effort to help others. I really, truly believe this is why you are. We're sharing your breast reduction journey. So you recently decided to undergo a breast reduction. That's why you were brought to my attention. Because I am kind of a boob bra lady. Everybody knows me for that, you know?

So what made you decide to basically shift. Share that journey with everybody else?

I mean, I just share everything else, Right.

Why not?

It's a traumatic event that I don't think that people see as a traumatic event.

So true.

And also, there's a lot of us, like, the average breast size as, you know, isn't an A cup.

No, it is not. It is not.

It's a Lot of.

Well, I love that you brought that up as a point, too, because this is something that I talk a lot about when I'm doing workshops or a TV appearance that as women, we identify so much with our breasts. Like, it is a part of your sexuality. It's definitely viewed as, you know, their sexual kind of things. Oh, there's a gnat flying in front of me.

So I think that to undergo any sort of surgery or change or anything, it's a big decision for a woman to make. I shared in the first edition of the bra book that I developed as a teenager. I was a late bloomer, late period, late everything. And when I finally did get boobs, I had tubular breast deformity. So I had one that was very misshapen, like a tube, much, much smaller than the other one. The other one looked kind of like a normal breast, but was very saggy. So here I am like, oh, my gosh. All my friends are like, you know, skinny dipping in the summer. Like, just what things you do as a teenager. And I was like, nobody would look at me. Not me. Boyfriends never got to see me with my shirt off. I had one boyfriend who said to me, it's fine. Everybody's boobs are a little different, or whatever. You know, it. It was a little reassuring, but really not much. So you being a woman who. What was it, your catalyst to decide to have breast reduction, you know, in the first place?

I don't know why, but I've always been like, when I turn 35, these titties are gone.

Oh, okay. So it was just like a milestone type thing.

But I don't know why 35 or whatever. It also. It takes because I did go through insurance, and it took me years.

Which is so unfair.

You have this, and I'm like, I'm in pain. Like, I've had breasts since I was nine years old.

Wow.

So.

And that can be very painful. Indents in your shoulders, you know, hunches your back over. Like, people don't realize this is a medical issue, not a cosmetic issue. Like, you're not just saying, you know, it's that.

It's also, what else come. The body dysmorphia comes with it. The. I used to wear big jackets because the attention, hiding the attention of older men, like, it's all such a brain thing that people don't talk about. And that's kind of why I was of, like, the things they don't tell you. Like, hey, I have hot flashes now. What the hell is this?

Like, right?

I they put my nipples on in a different way. So I stood there and was like, that is not how my nipples looked because they used to be pierced. And so they turned it.

Are you kidding me? Because I had my nipple removed and put back on too, because I had a reconstruction, basically because of the tubular deformity they were trying to figure out. And I mean, they. It's not what it used to. It's not perfect, but I was just so happy to feel normal and look normal that I didn't care. Yeah. But. Wow, that is crazy. So you went from a. What bra size were you originally.

Yeah, a 36F. I think I was bigger.

Yeah.

Because my cup probably. It was.

Yeah. And a lot of people don't realize very full breasts make a difference too. Like, you could measure a certain size, but whether you are full, you can have very dense breasts, you can have very heavy breasts. Like, it's just no two boobs are alike. Right. That's what I always say. So. And if you have a small frame and you have, you know, whatever, you could even be a D cup and be in pain if you are a very small person. So it's very difficult for women. And so now you are reduced.

Yeah.

And how's that going for you?

It's very emotional. I will tell you. I actually was crying before we started this call. And I'll tell you, I. I, like, went and took a shower this morning. Like, it's really weird because I. I now just. I was a mirror avoider for a very long time. Like, I don't. I don't need to look in the mirror for what? I'll do a little makeup call today. And now. Yeah, I just stand in the mirror so much, just staring. But I was looking today. I was in the shower and, like, I was cleaning and my nipple was a wreck. And that, like, triggered emotion because I was like, oh, my God, it's working again. Like, yeah. And I, like, sent a voice note to my girlfriend. I was like, oh, my God, my nipples. And then I just started bawling. And she's like. She was like, this is good.

Gonna be fine. Yeah.

And I was like, okay.

Now.

The weird parts that people don't talk about is it feels so foreign and disconnected and then it's like relearning your body. Right. Like you said, constantly pulled forward. Now I'm like, oh, I can lean back.

Yeah, you don't have to. Yeah, I can have to hide.

I can look down is my vulva. Look at my toes. Look at what the hell's happening there. Like, there's so much that.

Yeah, that's so amazing. I'm so happy that you are going through, like, such a positive experience, because I feel like you only hear the negative. Like, I been hearing a lot lately from women with breast implant illness symptoms and so much negativity regarding the implants. And I have some very old implants in my body currently that I don't feel like I'm experiencing any adverse effects, thankfully, from it. But it's like, I remember having the conversation with my husband and my husband and my mother both telling me, go get them removed. Like, it's easy for anybody else to say, right? Like, this is. These are my boobs. Like, they may. There may be a fake element to them, but they're mine and they're 20 years old. And so I remember, like, having this hard conversation and then talking with various doctors over it and, like, do I get them removed? And it's like, it's a part of you now. And that would be the same type of situation where I would have to, you know, again, readjust to a new body and go through the pain and the expense and the risk of a surgery. And it's like, other people don't have these hard things to kind of really think about, really. If you think about, you know, in my mind, I was like, you know, I remember my husband saying something like, if you die from cancer, because they're linking, they think the silicone leakage to certain cancers and lymphomas. And, you know, my husband's like, imagine if you left your children without a mother, our children without a mother, you know, so it's better to go take them out. And I'm like, yeah, in my mind, I'm like, for a decision that I made, you know, like, to get this surgery when I was 21 years old, a decision that I made so I could potentially leave my kids without a mother because of this elective thing, this thing that wasn't really medically necessary in my mind for my self esteem and for me to. It was necessary. So it's a struggle. Like, it's definitely a mental struggle. And obviously I just pay very much attention to my body to see if I do get any sort of symptom where I might need to address that. And I get a MRI every couple of years to make sure nothing's ruptured or anything's happening. But it's scary. Like, it is kind of scary to think about. And, you know, I feel like our society is like, oh, everybody goes and gets implants. Everybody has boobs. A lot of people get reductions. They get lifts. They get this. And it like is almost normalized to the point where they don't. No one appreciates what it is like to go through that. That's a lot experience. And like you said physically and mentally, like, it's. It's a mind, right? Like that. You said looking in the mirror every day, it's like a mind. You're like, oh my God, this isn't my body. Wait, this is.

I like multiple mirrors. I'm like, there's a mirror here. I'm like looking at angle. Absolutely.

This is perfect. If we. I hope we do this bra makeover for. I hope that works out, hopefully. Because I think it will be great to be that involved in that part of it with you and to see how you feel afterwards and how happy you are, you know, because you're constantly changing now, basically. So you still have ways to go with swelling and that sort of thing. So I get my next question which says right here on the card, do you like your new boobs? So I take it you.

I am so, so. You know, I keep looking at myself and I'm like, this is a weird ass science experiment. I have opted into like. But it's so true. The cool part for me, yes, I do like them because, like, my background is psychology. I'm in school. I'm a lifetime scholar. I need to stop. I'm working on a law degree now. I'm not doing this anymore.

Oh, that's awesome. I wish I liked school and would pursue and pursued anything.

I don't like school. I like learning. But for me it's like, wow, bodies are so cool. Like I can physically feel my body healing itself. And I'm like, I am so thankful that it does that. So that's like the cry nipples. Like, who's crying about nipples? But it's like my body's working, like, because I've been feeling like it's fighting against. Because I got it. I had antibiotics. Give you a yeast infection sometimes.

Yes.

Yeah, I had. Literally, I've had an ear and throat infection.

I'm like, what's every side effect?

Are we fighting? I'm like, do you hate me? Like, what? I'm trying to help you. And so now I'm like, okay, so maybe we are working together just from my nipple being erect. Like, that's the fine. And I'm so excited and thankful to like have my.

It doesn't fully go back to normal. Like, that was my experience. Is like one is like permanently numb. I mean they do. They're cutting nerves and all that sort of thing. Like it's a major surgery. It's, you know, undergoing something with your breasts is a major surgery. And that's why like I get so almost like angry because I'm like, we've, in our culture, we've just like made it like Pamela Anderson. But yeah, like just go get a boob job. Just that. And it's like, no, it's not. Like there almost needs to be a counselor like a person like you for maybe that'll be my next.

After. Let's write.

For women that feel like they want to undergo some sort of breast surgery. Like there could be a whole something person people support just for them. And then following along after to make sure because you don't just drop off after the surgery. And then like there's stuff going on, you know.

Most people also don't know. They're like, so when are you going to be healed? I'm like, oh no, this is like a year long process.

And my friends, oh, at least.

And I'm like, yeah, they're like, at least all year.

I'm like, yeah. Yep. Right. Because they don't understand or appreciate that it's a major surgery. This is major. So what's next for you? Like, what's next that you know, you'll talk about? We'll see, we'll hear about what's next.

That's a great question. I have no idea.

It's okay if you don't know.

I'm. I'm working on expanding my nonprofit to be able to help survivors more. I will continue sharing this journey and I think social media is really helpful because we get to reach so many people and I've had people reach out. Like, I've been thinking about getting this and like seeing your videos and your honesty. Like, thank you. So yeah, like, hey, we're almost a month in. Here's my tits.

Work that I do, like doing one to one stuff. I think I'm going to add another support group. We have a support group that we do for survivors and like just expanding my writing and like working with more people and doing consulting. Like for me, so fun and being a trauma queen. For me, I'm a behind the scenes. I'm really an introvert that moonlight moonlights as an extrovert. So I'm like, yeah, be over here. How do I help you?

And so I just honestly, I think I'm put. And this is the woo part of me. I Think I'm put on this planet to just show up and be authentic with me and allow other people to see that as an example so they get to be them as well.

Yeah. That's amazing. Now, what is the name of your nonprofit too, in case anyone's inquiring?

Yeah, it's called Tending the Garden. And because we are all our own gardens and sometimes we have to take care of it. And with tending the garden, sometimes you need support building your garden. You need a little fertilizer, you need little tools.

Yeah. I love this message. This is a great, great message. And so do you with your nonprofit work. Specifically, do you. If a woman came to you who maybe wasn't a sexual survivor but had some kind of other trauma that she wanted, would you help that person or did. Is it just strictly sexual trauma?

I work with them under my own. So I have my own company, the Jiminyka Projects. We could work. Okay. I do one to ones with individuals, and I only work with like five clients at a time. It's so funny, I was thinking about this morning while I was laying in bed, maybe I should open it up for people to do like drop in support on Tuesdays, right? Like, yeah, but I do one to one work with people. Right now I'm working with someone just like, how does she get into her body and trust herself? Like, yeah, never had a vibrator. I got to send a client a vibrator. I'm like, that's.

And somebody sent me a box of them. You'll die laughing. Because I. I write about all different things. And I picked up, really picked up a lot of the freelance writing again and editor type work since the pandemic, which is great. And so like, random things will just arrive at the house. And literally it was a huge box of vibrators. My husband's like, okay, I'm like, I just got a big box of vibrators. And my girlfriend, one of my friends that I talk to like every day, she's like, can you send me one? Yeah. I was like, sure, I'll drop it in the mail.

I'm like, what do you need? What are we feeling?

Internal, external?

I'll send you some lube too. Here's some instructions.

And it's nice to like, normalize that too, because I think people are still afraid to like, expl floor. And you always think of like sex shops being in like seedy places where it's like you have to go in through the back door. And it's like, women don't go there. You know, like, why not.

Why not normalize pleasure also? Let's not take it. Let's. Let's be happy.

Right? Thank you. Yeah.

Be in them. It's hard enough society and not be.

Afraid to tell your partner, this is what I like. This is what, like, instead of faking it for their ego or whatever a lot of people do, tell them, this is what I like. This is what I want. You know, be able to do that. Yeah. I love it. I love your message. I love you. Now, where can we find you? I know where to find you on social. But where can everybody else find you on social?

You can find my work and myself at traumaqueen Love or tendingthegarden. Love. And then all my social media is under my name, jiminika J I M N E K I A. And that's where I'm at.

The one and only. There can only be one. Yeah.

I do look it up every few years. Just be like, are you. No, just me. Okay, good.

There's not that many Janaes. And you would be shocked too. They all have different spelling. Yeah. So we like add each other on Facebook. Like, I have all these Janaes on because there's like, we're such a small. There's. There just isn't that many of us. So I like, love it. I'm like, we're all friends, you know, just because we have this unique name and.

That no one could ever seem to say. Well, thank you so much. I know you have clients and everything and I know you're busy, so I really appreciate you talking with us today and we will definitely follow along on your journey and hopefully you and I will be teaming up in the future for something. Right? Something big. Something big. So thank you. I hope you have a great rest of your day.

You too.

Bye.

Bye.

You've been listening to Visible Panty Lines, AKA vpl, the pod. Thanks so much. A new episode drops every Sunday at 8am really amazing, empowering stories. So I hope that you'll continue to tune in. Thanks.