Good Boundaries

Hey, this is Tim Pratt Jr. and I want to welcome you to the Student of Life Podcast. Listen, we're going to get into so many transferable truths throughout the content of these episodes that I believe God is going to use to help you apply because he's going to reveal what's already been there the entire time. Enjoy. Yo, what's up?

So this is your host Tim Pratt Jr. and I want to talk to you a little bit about boundaries. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. So After, I'm probably gonna take maybe 2 weeks off and basically kind of finish fleshing out because I actually, unless God say otherwise, right now I believe that he is leading me to teach on this. And one of the reasons why is because, so I've been going to therapy for a little minute now more recently and just another part of the piece of the puzzle, which is I believe is helping me unlock the full version of who I am. So through coaching, through therapy, through course, prayer and just communing and consecrated, uh, and various other things. Of course, my wife, man, my kids. But shout out to my wife, man, one of the greatest pushers. My parents, my in-laws, man, and, and so on. But shout out to the wife, uh, man, like, just the way she— the confidence in the way she pushes. But that being said, um, I, uh, when I was in therapy, uh, therapy session, well, a few, few ones in One of the things that he told me is that, "Tim, you lack boundaries." So me being me, I am very self-motivated when it comes to reading and researching things before I hear from kind of what some consider as an expert or God or, you know, very knowledgeable person in that field. So I started looking up things and researching, you know, the balance between faith and therapy, of course, and just looking up boundaries. And so he, you know, so I end up having these conversations with him. He said, "Well, you lack." healthy boundaries. And so as we got to talking about it and I was researching, and he would give me like homework assignments, uh, now as we kind of get into the journey of fleshing that out, um, and so let me say this first. This episode might unlock some triggers, but I'm gonna be very careful. One thing I want to say is if you live in guilt and shame of anything, you know, we always might have a level of regret for things that we've done, but don't— you have been free from guilt and shame, uh, through the power of the Holy Spirit. And what Jesus Christ has done. But the reason I want to give this disclaimer, because I just don't want no one to, you know, re— uh, to rehash things that they have been through. What— in whatever your life, whether you a youthful person, you know, someone that's 60 listening to this, 25, 30, 35, 40, whatever, you know, whether you're 16, drop that, leave it at the door, and listen to this in a very healthy way, because that is not the ministry that I at all want to proceed, but we can sometimes look at things so we won't repeat. We can study history so we won't repeat, even if it's studying ourselves. So now that that's out the way, uh, what I want to kind of get into is that I oftentimes have set boundaries from a place of hurt, from a place of shame, from a place of guilt, uh, from a place of anger, uh, and, you know, a lot of times, like, I, you know, was just being deceitful, uh, and so I thought I was setting boundaries, but I wasn't setting healthy boundaries. And a lot of times these boundaries, you know, got overrode. And I'm gonna kind of point to Genesis 3 here in a second, uh, which a lot of people consider, uh, call it the fall within the Bible. It's the when man basically, you know, chose to sin against God, primarily Adam and Eve. Um, but with boundaries, uh, even our God set boundaries even to this day. You know, there are certain things that you just absolutely shouldn't do. Thank God for his grace and mercy, but there are certain things that you shouldn't do. Uh, but in, in the context of this, you know, I wanted to learn how to set healthy boundaries because healthy boundaries help you preserve yourself. It helps you preserve the love that you have. It helps you not take on, if I may say, like, you know, doing something that you have to end up basically regretting and living with your own guilt and shame of making that action. This is what boundaries, it does. And, uh, like I say, for me, I, I wish I would have known this earlier. And if you haven't, I highly encourage you to go back and listen to A Guarded Heart, because truthfully, uh, one thing I have learned is that a guarded heart and setting healthy boundaries will keep you out of a lot of stuff. And when I'm talking boundaries, man, I'm not even just talking like in the context of my life, you know, co-parent relationships boundaries with women. I'm even talking boundaries with men, boundaries with friends, boundaries with my parents, boundaries with my in-laws, boundaries with my kids, even boundaries with my wife, uh, boundaries within myself. Like healthy boundaries. Um, like, man, oh my God. Oh, I can go so many directions with this. Let me see, let me stay on track. So like I said, I think I said boundaries at work, so, and work relationships. So, and, and really true, that, that area in my work relationship, because you spend so much time with these people, I had to quickly set this one once I started to like unpack and uncover that, wow, I do operate without boundaries. Um, so that, that being said, what I want to do to kind of set this up, uh, through the grace of God, is that in Genesis 3, it talks about the fall. And towards the end of that chapter, we see where God has basically kicked Adam and Eve out of the garden. He is like, bro, get out. A matter of fact, I'm gonna put up two angels with flaming swords, so, uh, just in case it's on your mind, you're not gonna try it. Uh, because they ate— Eve was deceived by the serpent and gave some to her husband. She was deceived, uh, and she bit from the fruit on the tree of, uh, good and evil, the knowledge of good and evil. Also coming to that knowledge of basically knowing what sin was. And so Um, and like I said, the scripture says she gave it to her husband. And God had instructed Adam, you know, you can have all of this, but don't you eat from that tree. So like I said, Eve ate from it, she gave it to her husband, and, you know, their eyes became open, and basically they knew they were naked, and so on. Because they, they knew like good and evil now. They had the knowledge of it, they had the knowledge of sin. And so God, you know, he asked the question not for him but for them. It was a self-reflection question like God always does us. And so as we see this progress, you know, God basically, he, he, he's talking, he's having a conversation with the serpent, he's talking to them, and then that leads to, like I say, about them getting kicked out the garden. But go back and think about all the access God gave them. He gave them so much access and just said this one thing. And, and, and to stay theologically correct, he kicked them out because if they would have ate from the tree of life in that state, then they would have been in an eternal perpetual state of sin, living forever with sin, and God was not having it. So he banished them so that, like, he knew they were going to be tempted to eat of that. No. And they would— I truly believe they would have— I know they would have yielded to it, that temptation, ate from that. So God wasn't having it. But let's back up. So think about people in your life, man, where you can give them a lot of access But just like God, he's saying this one thing you can't do, and if you do do it, there's going to be consequences. There are going to be consequences to this. And they did it. They were deceived and they did it. So the very thing that was operating in the serpent is basically like having a heart posture to turn against God. He wanted that operating in them. And a lot of times, if we're not careful, when people invade our boundaries, we will— because if someone is trying to invade your boundaries A lot of times what is going on is that whatever is operating in them, they wanted to operate in you. They wanted to operate in you. Most cases, like, I can truthfully tell you, like, I've heard people, like, straight up, I, I've heard some very— I've heard a lot of people, and I've been hurt by a lot of people. But one of the common things is, if in any given situation a guarded heart and boundaries would have been in place, it would have removed a lot of hurt. It would have moved a lot of hurt on both ends. I wouldn't have hurt a lot of people, and a lot of people wouldn't have hurt me if those things were in place. But in this context, we're talking about boundaries. And so, like I said, I encourage you to go back and look and listen to A Guarded Heart. But nevertheless, um, when it comes to that, you have to think in the terms of access and responsibility in your life. So like one example that I was using is that, say for instance, someone like you have the keys to your apartment, studio, or your house, and you let a friend get a spare key. And you know, say it's like you've locked yourself out, or for whatever reason you lost the key, and you call that friend, and that friend comes over, you know, lets you in your own house because you trust them with the level of access. But let's say if it's that same friend, you know, they spend the night sometime when you're out of town, they house sit or whatever, and you know, they're really reasonable, they replace stuff, they kind of follow your— I mean, they follow your rules and guidelines and so on. And, and so like, you're like, okay, wow, wow, you know, this person is responsible with the level of access that I have given them. But let's take that person and say that they come over, they start kicking it, partying, they start just taking stuff out your house or your apartment or your studio, whatever. And you start noticing and you're like, man, they're not being very responsible with the access that I've given them. They're, they're, they're, they're not, uh, they're crossing too many boundaries here. So then what's the wise thing to do? Take the key. It doesn't mean that you have to kill the relationship. It doesn't mean that, you know, you like, you're banishing them or anything like that. It's just like you won't have that access. What God did with them, he still loved them But it was like, no, you, you, you, you cross the line, so you can't be in this— you can't be here in the Garden of Eden and, you know, be tempted with eating up the Tree of Life now. So I have to banish you because you crossed that boundary, you made that decision. And just imagine they would have tried to put that back on God. That's what a lot of people try to do to us when they're thinking about crossing our boundaries. They want to make us feel guilty for— guilty for basically breaking the boundary. And God is like, no, I'm not taking on the responsibility, this was your decision. And we have to be like that with others. Like, when people cross that boundary and then turn around, and because you're like, wait a minute, you, you cross the boundary, you have to basically be like, no, like, you made that decision. So this, this level of access or this relationship or the parameters, I'm going to challenge you now. For example, I— my wife, like, we— I mean, I'm gonna be real, like, we, we share locations. Like, I mean, we— it's nothing like— I mean, it's nothing like I just up and track my wife or anything, and I don't believe she does it to me. But it's a lot going on in the world, and I truthfully want her to know where I'm at. Heck, I wouldn't even mind sharing it with my parents, to be honest with you, or my in-laws, my kids. So the thing is, is that— I mean, I wouldn't mind, you know, but But for the most part, my wife, she knows where I'm at, you know, in case something happens. She's like, oh, you know, this last place he was pinged. I don't have anything in me that wants to lie about that. And but also too, it's a boundary for me. Like, it's like, wow, like my wife for the most part can always access where I'm at. She, she always knows where I'm at. And it's a healthy place. And so I know people might get into that. I've seen this hot topic, you know, because people were talking about this location. Communication, sharing, generation. But in this context, um, let's just say for example that, you know, I was to do some things and just— it's a perpetual— now my wife probably could be the one and be like, you know what, I'm done, I'm not putting up with this, I'm out. But if she gets to that feeling, I have to look at how much I have been responsible with the access that she's giving me to her life. So if I'm just walking in here anytime of night, leaving and going to some place, and she doesn't have no idea where I'm at, um, like, that, that's not healthy from my point of view. Now, some people, marriage might roll like that, or relationships or whatever, that— and that, that's you. Everybody, you know, everybody has their uniqueness. But in the context of— I, I wouldn't allow it, and she wouldn't allow it, because like, you're going to be responsible with the level of access you have because you're married to me. I have a right to know, hey, what are you— where are you getting into today? Now I'm not saying my wife— like, I don't just walk out the house and come back at 10 PM, like, you know, whatever. Like, but at the same time, like, hey babe, I'm gonna go to the gym. Or she's like, hey babe, I'm gonna go here. Not necessarily asking, but it's just like being responsible with the access that we have for one another. Just healthy boundaries. But let's take it a step further. All right, so, um workplace. If I'm having a conversation— so this is my thing, I talk to— I have meetings with women all day. From— I've had coffee sync-ups, like virtual coffee sync-ups. When I used to work in the office, um, I like 2 or 3 women. I sometimes— guys will go walk to the Tails down the street. And, uh, but my wife knew of all of these women. But just imagine if I would have started having a coffee date all the time with a certain woman, um, that my wife didn't know about. And let's say this wife— this woman was like super attractive, very gorgeous, body banging. And because I've told myself that everybody I meet with, my wife will know about, uh, that's a— that's a boundary that I have in place. So it's just like, hey, uh, babe, I met with Sally Sue. I'm just using their name as a generic name. Uh, so she's like, oh hey, you know, who is Sally Sue? So let's say it's like, Hey, I tell her, you know, babe, I've been meeting with her for about a year. We have like, wink, sync-ups once a week, uh, and we've been meeting at this coffee shop, it's a Tayo's. And I show her Sally Sue. She was like, oh, okay, why haven't I never heard about her? Well, because I thought you had a boundary in place that I would at least know about, you know, every person that you like intentionally are meeting. Like, I'm not saying like somebody comes in or whatever and some— I'm like, hey, and bye, or whatever. Like a woman that's attractive and I'm in a coffee line, it's like, hey, how you doing? I was like, I've seen your art. Like, yeah, I walk here. Like, I'm— that's not a boundary for me. Like, because there's nothing that came out of that. But if I take it a step further, say, hey, let's sit down and have a coffee, I need to let my wife know, hey, like, I was talking to this lady and she was interested in what I do and I was interested in what she did, and we had a conversation. It was about 15-20 minutes and that was that. So my wife, she has a— she— that gives her opportunity to press, you know, uh, flesh it out, whatever she needs to do in the context, because that's a boundary like that we set. I hope this is making sense, uh, because I'm being responsible with the access that I have to my wife, and vice versa if my wife was out or whatever. And it's the same with guys. So she's like, okay, I'm being responsible with the access that I have on my husband, like I'm, I'm not going to cross these certain boundaries. Because most of the time, um, we know that when we are in a boundaryless boundariously. I don't even know that's a word. We know when we out of bounds, basically. We know when we out of pocket and we're operating in a way that we shouldn't. And a lot of times when we get out of our boundaries, or when we cross those boundaries, something dangerous is always bound to happen. Something dangerous is always bound to happen because you have a boundary there for a reason. So kind of going back to what my therapist said when he said, hey, you lack healthy boundaries. He was like, you are, uh, the way I was navigating certain spaces, uh, he was like, in so many words, because I don't want to share too many details, but he was like, you're allowing too much in, and this is what's controlling and dictating your behavior, because that's what it's all about. So I don't want you to just shut everybody off, and I don't want you to just be free game, let everybody in. I want you to let in what needs to be let in and remove or keep out what needs to be kept out. And so this is what boundaries looks like. Another example, you know, with my job, if someone crosses a line, like, you know, I don't care if it's a leader. And I wasn't always this. I used to be very, you know, passive. And he was like, I got to teach you how to reject passivity through boundaries. He was like, I have to teach you this. So I used to be like very passive. They want to rock the boat. Now, bro, with the respect, depending— expect— I mean, I respect the CEO. It's just saying that I respect the CEO, uh, the janitor just as much as I respect the CEO. So this— before titles and all of that, bro, this human beings and grown people out here. So, uh, so that being said, I don't want you to get caught up necessarily on the title. But also too, I do have another level of like, uh, because when I have a leader, I'm required— like, it's a just a different level of submission to authority, uh, but at the same time, let's say this is like in times past a leader came to me and was like, hey, you know, we're looking for you to do this, this, and it's a really great opportunity. Most of the time I didn't have a boundary there, so like, yeah, I do it, and I have that conflict within and do it. Now my boundary is, uh, hey, let me look that over and I'll get back with you. I'm not saying no and I'm not saying yes, but the boundary is I don't know what I'm taking on, I don't know what I'm committing to, and I wouldn't be a good steward if I just said yes to this without fleshing out. Now I know you might not have that time all the time, but I'm just in this, this fine example just trying to like give you an idea of how to go about setting boundaries. Or a phone call, like let's say this, um, you know, a female or whatever, uh, especially in co-parenting dynamics and things like that, uh, you know, the intangibles of it. But once again, uh, if it's a woman that calls me and it's like, hey Tim, I've been seeing you around, yada yada, it's nothing crazy, and it's like a minute and it was like work call. You know, I might, you know, I'm at the gym. Hey, how you doing? Nice to meet you. You know, hey, are you using this bench? I'm not coming home like, hey babe, this woman, you know, asked me could she use the weight bench. Most of the time I'm not going to say anything there because it was harmless. But let's say it's just like this woman, like, hey, hey, can I use this weight bench? Hey, can you spot me? Can you work out with me? And then it gets into talking, hey, can you finish your workout with me? Hey, would you like to have a drink after? Now I'm not taking that drink, but hey, you know, whatever. Okay, that— this now has— it has— it's tapping into that boundary now. So it went from harmless to like, wait a minute, she— this is penetrating into the boundary that I have. So what I'm trying to say here is that you have to be very aware, very aware of the boundary that you are setting. Now I could really preach and teach this thing, but this is not the— I'm not doing it in this context of this episode because I haven't yet, uh, but the way I'm going to teach and preach this through the power of God, man, I just hope you can be there. Or, you know, you can— I might end up putting it on YouTube or whatever. But nevertheless, what I'm trying to say is that, you know, just like God, he gave them— he started with all the access that he had given them. And when it came into the context— let me unplug this real quick because my laptop is fan is coming on, uh, but God had gave them so much access to just basically like this garden. I apologize for that in the background. I'm not even gonna try to phase it out. It's literally just my fan kicking on because my laptop is a little bit tight. But, um, but God had gave them all this access, but they chose to evade that boundary. And so I just want to like really just like, you know, ask you or just submit to you to take some time and say, hey, what healthy boundaries do I need to put in place for my protection to make sure that, you know, I don't do anything I don't supposed to do, and vice versa? Like, I don't let anything in or let someone hurt me in a way that I end up doing something that I have to now live with. And so it's just something to like really consider, uh, man. And then like I said, this can open up a can of worms for a lot of things, but For the most part, don't worry about what has been done. Focus on now. And a guarded heart, but most importantly, like I said in the episode, in this context, boundaries. Good healthy boundaries will help you get there. It will help you save so much time and so much energy. And then truthfully, like, where you're just always guarded to be like, wow, uh-oh, something is trying to invade this area that doesn't need to be invaded. Because like I said, whether you've been hurt, uh, like some people have church hurt, and so then like that they didn't have good boundaries in place, and then they get so hurt where they just stay away from like all type of local churches for the rest of their life when that's not healthy. Or some people get, you know, so hurt that like, you know, saving— someone gets killed in the family and like they take on this energy, then they turn around and they go kill someone. Or, you know, someone gets so hurt and they go do just whatever, like whatever it is, um, that they didn't have to do. Uh, and especially if you're in the faith, you know, uh, yeah, I tell people all the time, if I go back and forth, I can be just in a lot of my actions. I could be just and almost right in a lot of my actions, but if I consider myself according to the word of God and measure myself according to the word of God versus someone else, it requires a different level of standing. It elevates the way we see things and the way we should live. Because like I've said, Jesus didn't— he had— he, he did not have to come save humanity. When you look at the state of this world, and he knew the beginning from— he knows the beginning from the end, He could have been like, bro, I don't have to die for them. I do not have to die for them and give them eternal life through me. But he did it anyway. He did it anyway. So when you measure yourself against that, like, okay, I know this— there can still be some grace in there. There still can be some grace in there. But at the same time, grace is never to excuse a habitual pattern of someone just invading your boundaries over and over and over. Grace should lead to better behavior. Grace should lead to better behavior. Grace was never intended to just excuse it. It was to lead to better behavior, saying, hey, I'm giving you opportunity after opportunity to truly live the way you should live, and that's by the power of the Holy Spirit. And so we have to keep that in context of scripture, knowing that it's the same with other people. Hey, I'm not going to allow you and have so much grace and mercy that you can just keep having access to my house when you keep having parties in it, when you keep taking my stuff, you keep stealing things. No, give me my key back. And then let's just say things like the person just goes too far where they destroy the house and say, because they leave your kids in harm's way and like that, that might deem, hey, listen, I love you, but I can no longer move forward this relationship because you just didn't destroy my house. It's not so much I'm looking at physically, like, you put so much in jeopardy to the point where you almost destroyed me. And, uh, going forward, you know, this, this is not even a friendship because a friend wouldn't do that. So, you know, and, and I know people can change and all of that, but I'm just saying in that context. And so, and the boundaries can change again because, like, let's say it was like this person gets touched by God and they truly transform in their soul and they show a continuous state of change, then you might someday say, hey, you know, you, you can have this level of access to me because of the responsibility I've seen from you. That's a judgment call, man. That's, that's between you, God, and that person. But nevertheless, I just want to encourage you to make sure that you are taking the time to research what healthy boundaries are, because they are needed, especially in the context, man, when you have unlimited connections. I mean, it is connection after connection with social media and so on. Uh, so man, this was way longer than I thought, uh, but it was just on my heart. Like I say, I'm gonna be fleshing this out and really studying this and putting together, um, like a message through the power of God and really, you know, preach and teach on this thing. But I just want to encourage you, set healthy boundaries because they're needed in your life, man, truly just walk in your full potential that God wants you to walk. So be blessed, man. I love you all, and, uh, we'll see you soon.

Hey, what's up? I want to thank you for taking the time to listen to this Student Life Podcast today. If this content has impacted you in any kind of way, please take some time to share it on your social media feeds. And also, if you want to connect with me or just learn more about me, go over to www.timothyprattjr.org. Once again, thanks.