I Thought I Was Seeing Clearly

Hey, this is Tim, and welcome to the Student Life Podcast, where we explore the everyday challenges and big questions of life through a biblical lens while navigating the realities of a secular world. Enjoy. Yo, what up? So I'm going to kind of just navigate through this one differently. I wanted to jump on here and do a little bonus episode based on the feedback I got from the last one. And one of the common, uh, questions that— or statements per se— it's like, what, what are you talking about? Like, people— I guess what I was taking from it, because I, I don't— I want to share names so bad, but I'm not because I don't know, everybody's different about sharing their name. Uh, and, and it— I want— so first, let me thank you, man. Like, the subscriptions and the review uptick is I thank you all for rocking with it and sharing it. Like, I'm actually seeing it in the analytics, so I really want to thank you all for that. Uh, if we're gonna table this one as an episode, let's just call it I Thought I Was Seeing Clearly. Um, so I'm gonna get into it because I don't, I don't want to overly— so it's a bonus, again, a bonus episode. And I, I'm not gonna ramble, but I have not really I've processed some thinking, but I haven't really fleshed this out a lot. But the point that I'm trying to get at is I'm just going to kind of share my heart and what's going on in my world, per se, and why I advocate so strongly for when I make statements of getting help. Um, just whether it be through a more mature believer or professional help or whatever, is just to get help. But one of the things that I look at is for a long time I thought I was seeing things clearly, but I wasn't. I was not seeing things as clearly as I wanted to, and I believe in my heart that yes, I love Jesus. Yes, I was leading, like leading, trying to lead myself, let alone lead my family first. And what I mean by lead myself is just like self-leadership in the context of kind of how some of the books talk about, uh, learning how to surrender to God, of course, and then let alone leading a family. And when you're striving to do these things that you're— you're— we're called to, but still something feels off underneath, it's, it's not the best feeling. It's not. And what, what I'm getting at is that it, it wasn't just something happening in the moment, but it was something going on underneath. So for example, Uh, one of the things is like we can have moments and they can legit be a moment, but it's dangerous when we have a moment and it's actually an indicator of something that's under the surface that we're not addressing. So that's a whole different thing. So again, you can have something that happens in a moment and no, it's not who you are. You don't have to start all the way over and go ABC 123, but it is dangerous for something to happen and it's something like an undercurrent, if I'm saying that right. I don't know, but something underneath that is like, hey, I'm trying to tell you because something's gonna pop off and it's gonna be really, really bad. Because I believe that God warns us if we lean into— and I remember this saying goes that seasons change, but cycles change when we do. So in other words, some of us— I guess a dangerous thing to be trapped in a cycle and calling it a season, like, because you keep seeing the same season over and over and over. But in reality, you're not in the extended season, I should say. You're actually in a vicious cycle. And that's what I had to learn and why I'm an advocate of getting help. So my first counselor, man, we went through almost like 2 years, and then the insurance changed with my employer, and so I lost him because he didn't, he didn't take the health insurance. And so thank God I found a biblical counselor, uh, and he's, he's been great. And so we've gotten into things like to kind of just kind of rehash, like, out of the abundance of heart, the mouth speaks. So like, it's not about behavior management but that true, like, heart formation is the inner condition that leads to our responses. We've talked about guarding your— our heart, uh, because what we have to learn is, like, how we respond. Some would even say react, but how we respond, uh, it can, can, it can reveal things deeper that we're dealing with. And one thing that I've had to learn is that we need to start naming stuff. To really see clearly, we have to name stuff. Case in point, I don't know if a lot of people knew this, but I used to get like a lot of flack back in 2018. Boni's son was diagnosed, because I, you know, we have a blended family for those that don't know. And so one, my wife and I, one plus one, we both used to be married young and we have a daughter together. And so, um, when my bond son was going through, uh, cancer the second time, like, I, like, I was full of it, no lie. Um, and but my wife and I, again, we were married, just got married. Of course, my oldest son. And so trying to figure that out, still growing with him, taking on another son, my wife trying to figure out what, you know, her bonus son, which is my other son. And you just got all these dynamics, and then you have cancer on that, and just all these dynamics took place and stuff that was going on underneath that, like, just bubbling up. Just started a new job as a technical project manager I was up and down the highway. Wife had to temporarily relocate because of course she had to be with her son, which is now again my, my son. And so, um, but what people don't know is in that moment, man, I remember when I was kind of trying to start my healing journey and confessing some things, and, um, it started to seem like I had done so much it was catching up with me, and so I was running from it. And it would lead to me moving in a way that looked like I was still doing things, but I wasn't. And I, um, just case in point, man, like, I remember being on the highway and I pulled over, and thank God for, you know, getting her call and ministering to me. And I was about to literally blow my brains out because that's just— I was like, I can't do this anymore. Literally, like, it would have been like back in 2018, Tim Pratt Jr., young male, gets, uh, on the side of the road. I don't know, maybe a state trooper would eventually pull up the car, you know how they do the green tag or whatever, and then would have just seen me in the car slumped over. And thank God I didn't do it. My dad actually was the one that called, and, you know, he just mentioned to me out the blue, and I think that was The power and timing of God. But I just remember, like, I had all that going on, and I had family members saying so much because I wasn't at a lot of things that I used to be at. And no one never called or leaned in to say, hey, what's going on? It was just, you don't do this, you don't do that, he's not here, he don't show up to this, I've tried to call him. And I'm not making excuses, but I'm like, man, you all don't know the half of it. That it felt like every day was a living nightmare to a certain degree. And I didn't know how to put language to all this stuff back then, and I wish I would have leaned into community, but I, like, I was a— and still are today— and I hate labels per se in this capacity because there's times like I could be an extrovert, but by heart I'm a loner. Like, I'm okay Man, I, I have a dark past. Like, my wife now, she knows, and then counselors and certain people that's starting close to me, because I need that healing and that assurance. And I get it, it's not so much it's just about opening up my past, but it's like, because I had to have healing so I can break these cycles through the power of God. Yes, Jesus saves, but just like the saying go, when Jesus save you, you don't get a six-pack. Once you reach salvation, if you want that six-pack, you have to do your part. And this is why I kind of hate— I, I kind of hate the self-help gospel because it's a tandem relationship. But in order for me to see things clearly, and because what happened was even when it was post-life, after my wife and I would see good moments, but then it's like we would repeat these cycles. And this went on for a while up and down, up and down. It, it would show up on my job, it would show up in how I was parenting my kids, it would show up in friendships, even in my— the local church dynamic. But when I finally like leaned in and said, okay, I'mma get help, and it was a process and a journey, and that's when I started to see things clearly— or I should say, see things from, from a more mature posture. Uh, that's when I really, really started to see the power of God. But again, um, I had to also think about how many people have I approached like that? They were approaching me because I had all the details in the context, but how many times have I prematurely spoke and said things about people when I had no awareness? I'll give you another example, uh, being in ministry Like, man, I, I love God and I'm nowhere where I used to be, but I primarily support 3 ministries. At one point was at 4, and but now these 3 is like my father, my father-in-law. So one standalone campus, and then two, uh, campuses under my, my father-in-law. And the thing is, is this, like, I, I'm not on salary. Now I've been fortunate to work a pretty good job in a relatively— in the middle management still space, but a relatively very strategic seat. Now all I do is spend my time— I've been trans— I've transitioned to a coach now, a 100% coach role. So I sit like in a lot of conflict management, conflict resolution. So I've been fortunate, uh, my wife and I were able to pay off both our vehicles and then just recently Uh, we bought two new vehicles back like a little bit over two years ago and paid them off before the two-year mark. So, so God, it's like, you know, just learn how to proper stewardship. But so I guess what I'm trying to say, like, I was in investment early. I used to tell her, man, if I ever was to become a pastor, I want to be successful beforehand. And I'm not like— anyway, I'm not— I'm gonna digress. But I had my reasons for this. It was like, it was because of arguments that I would see online, or like And I'm like, man, I ain't never took— like, yes, every now and then, like, they give me love seeds, and typically I sow them in because it's not— I've been fortunate. My wife has been fortunate not having to really work, you know. She had a deployment. It really sped a lot of things up. Uh, it sucked, but God used it. And so we have tried to be faithful stewards over what God has blessed us with. And, uh, so anywho, to get to the point, because I know people don't typically see that clearly, I, um, it hurts. And so I have not wanted to— I say, man, I just want to do like a podcast manager. I don't want to be connected with the church because it's just people are always questioning. Now you do have a lot of manipulators out there And I do think the media plays into that where they promote it so much. But I still think in my heart, man, that more people are under— way underpaid for what they do in pastoral ministry, but they don't get no credit, nothing. Like, those stories, they're boring. And so, like, the manipulators, it sells. And it sucks because I just wish those people would sit— step down. But case in point, you know, God had to really show me, okay, just like the situation with that, you have to learn how to heal. You have to process these things because it's going to get in the way of what he has called me to do. So anywho, my wife and I, man, we've had these conversations. We've tried to process things. We strive— we do strive to process things because again, I want to see clearly so I can be obedient to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And, um, so like now I don't share some of those views. I'm like, okay, now I'm still gonna, you know, be steward, work my butt off if God calls me, whether it be 5 years to be, or 6, 7 years to be more of a senior pastoral role per se. I'm 36 years old, it is what it is. But until then, I'm gonna keep working my butt off. And I have nothing to prove because I have to live my life in such a way that I basically— I can't remember the verse right now, but it, it kind of just disarms the naysayers because, you know, you strive living integrity and character. But again, this is the beauty in just making sure that we strive to see things clearly. And one of the, like, the last things— like I said, just a bonus episode I'm kind of sharing— maybe two more things is that, um, when, you know, Jesus talked about in Matthew 7— thank you, Holy Spirit— is he's not necessarily just talking about hypocrisy in Matthew 7:3-5. He's talking about distorted perception like we can't really see clearly when something is off in us. And this happens— like, what ends up happening is we end up misreading people, or we start assigning motives that we have not— like, we don't— we, we can't really discern the motive, or we react from past wounds. And when it really— when the reality is, is that we're just seeing things wrong because we're not leaning in and having these conversations. And this book, Think Again, by Adam Grant, that really blessed me in that topic to make sure that like we are leaning in and having the right conversations. And so, uh, not, not a faith-based book, but I like Adam Grant's work. But the heart of it is just, hey, think again. Like lean in, have dialogue, have conversation, because it could be something that you're missing. And, you know, I just believe that when people like are— feel like they're, um, they see with 100% accuracy like God, I think that's dangerous. I'm not saying God can't show us things and we lean in, whatever, and have that conversation. But we're not God. Like, we are— we are— yes, we have the Holy Spirit, but he has to work this humanity, is what I'm trying to say. And so one of the things, man, is that like I have to consistently start with myself. And I'm learning that one of the first steps to seeing things clearly is kind of according to James, like processing myself, make sure that I'm not in self-deception. Because if I'm self-deceived, I'm going to see everything through that lens. And here me. Like, self-deception is easy to see a lot of times in someone else, but what I like to say is, say, if it's like you take somebody that, like, just a, a visible sin per se, and this person is living in it, and you see it, and you like, man, how do they not see it? But let's say it's like you're struggling with an area where you lack self-control and whatever, and then now somebody else is like really disciplined in self-control looking at you, I'm like, how do they not see that they're not self-controlled? So what I'm saying, like, let's have some humility when we are approaching people. Again, I'm not saying be passive and like, oh, because I'm dealing with this, I can't confront this. That's not what I'm saying. It's— I love this— don't hear what I'm not saying, hear what I'm saying. And so like, I just want us like, first and foremost, as we honor James 1:22 22— man, I'm butchering stuff— 22 through 25. Um, essentially what he's saying is hearing without doing leads to self-deception. So when we hear the word of God, to hear is to obey, to hear is to do. When we do not do that, it leads to self-deception. So this is why I have a problem with people that think that they see so clearly but they aren't modeling this. They don't use the mirror analogy. In other words, you see the truth of the scriptures, but you still walk away unchanged. You walk away submitted in your ways rather than submitted to Jesus Christ, submitted to the power and yielding of the power of the Holy Spirit. And that right there, you— we will never— I'm gonna say you here— if you are living like that, you will never see clearly. Now make it all inclusive. If we are living like that, we never see clearly as we think we are. And this is why we need community. Yes, we need God, but we also need community, because it is possible to handle truth and not be formed by it. I'mma say it again: it is possible to handle truth and not be formed by it. I, I When— this is the thing, and this is again why I encourage, and why I'm just kind of building on the last episode through a bonus episode. When I stopped trying to manage behavior and started paying attention to what was forming me, that was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me. I'mma say it again: when I stopped trying to manage my behavior and started to pay attention to what was forming me, it was one of the best things that happened to me. In the context of just being transformed, being renewed by my— I mean, not my, but being transformed by the renewing of my mind through the power of God's word. It moved me from this behavior control to like an inner renewal change. It started to shape the perception because I started to see myself rightly, like God saw me, how God wanted me to move. And that's why now when I approach the text, man, whether I'm working on my job— I was just telling somebody today, um, that they was asking— I was saying like, I don't have a framework. And so it was just like more like, man, I just— in context, not hijacking into sin, but when Paul was saying, I become all things to all men, uh, we know that he was going on talking about reaching souls, winning souls for Christ. But that's how I look at everything now. And so I'm really working hard to again, like, because there's nothing wrong, like, we should be loving God. Yes, we know the others, but with all our strength, uh, we should have self-control. It's a fruit of the Holy Spirit. All right, so I'm working very hard, but it's rooted in Christ to live my life in such a way, man, that again, it— my life provides the contrast So I always say like two quotes, man, from two pastors, and I'm, I'm gonna just paraphrase it. One was saying like, based on how I live my life now— not saying I can't be wrong, I'm always corrected, trust me— um, but I live my life in a way that if you try to go create a narrative, you're going to be hard-pressed, straight up. Because I live in such a way that it's like, okay man, I would pray to be like, all right, something not adding up. Because the Tim that I'm around, either this dude is fake as heck, he's a heck of a manipulator, or nah, I've been around him enough to know that I gotta challenge you on that. Um, or like Pastor Brandon Clack says— so that was Tim Pratt Jr., I'm paraphrasing it— but he says it in the lens of like, I live my life in a way that you can have the bloody dagger and I can see you. You can go create a narrative, you can go believe something that— like, whatever you want to believe, something that I didn't even do. And tell yourself over and over and over till you convince yourself that it's true. And when I see you, I'm gonna live as it never happened. Now, context, this is not saying certain things aren't— don't need to be confronted. But what I'm saying, that's a whole nother conversation too, that the Holy Spirit kind of has to help guide and lead us on that. Not kind of, he does have to lead and guide us on that, as all things. But in the heart of that because I don't want to build a theology on just one somebody's quote and one interpretation of a scripture. But if I tie both of those together, it's saying that, man, I want to see the Lord, I want to see Jesus Christ so clear and others so clear that I just believe that I have to posture myself to live in a way that shows how he lived. That's totally surrendered and submitted to how he lived. And so I just want to encourage you, um, for those that are like, man, again, rocking with— rocking with me, man, I thank you. Uh, please share this with someone. But this is why I advocate for healing. Like, I just think I dropped two stories that I don't think I've ever dropped on here. I know I've talked about them in the context of local church with my, with my Memphis encounter, with my Bonnie's son journey up with fighting cancer, and then with this ministry. Trust me, I have plenty more, but that's, that's one of the two things like— well, of course the 2018 thing, I'm a lot better now that we have gotten past a lot of the, the things from that. But, uh, with the ministry thing is something I still wrestle with. I do, because again, you do see the evidence of people that manipulate and make it harder for those that are true. Um, but I just— I— my desire is to see things clearly as I process things. I don't want to— here's this word, uh, practice displacement. I think I said it in the last episode. If I didn't, but displacement, like taking things out on the people that are closest to me. Um, that's one thing I just— I don't want to do. And then it's the other part of it is that I, um, I just want to see— I just really strive to make sure that I'm not repeating cycles in my family. Um, I want my kids to see a healed version because there are things that even from my parents, and they know this, that growing up, yes, there's a lot of great things I've learned from them, but there are also some things that were deposited in me that I had to really work hard to uproot. Hey, here's the thing, there are some things I've deposited in my kids that, you know, they might have to have conversations with me early on, and I pray that I'm living in a way that show them that, nah man, listen, Dad got it wrong, um, but there are going to be things I deposited in them that's not of, of God. That's just the reality. But what happens when they hold to that just because I'm dad? Or if I would have held to mine just because that was my mom and dad? No, because I've come into the knowledge of the scripture and surrender to look and want to desire to look like Christ. It doesn't mean I have to throw my whole parents away. It doesn't mean that my kids would have to throw myself or their mom, the co-parenting dynamic kids, you know, my daughter throwing my wife and I away, or, you know, my two boys, Cam and DJ, throwing us away, or like I said, their other parents. No, it's, it's leaning into it, having conversations, and then helping them say, okay man, look, this is where Dad got it wrong, this is where Dad does not look like Christ, this is where Dad is just full of his flesh. Like, and if you're, if you're, um Mom, same thing. Like, and, you know, but sometimes we're just too prideful to, to do those things, man. So I would just again say, man, first and foremost, to see clearly, we, we have to start with ourselves. So that's all I, I really mean in, in the context of, like I said, just building on that last episode with this bonus content, is that we really have to start with ourselves. And I think when we start with ourselves according to the scripture, then we can see others rightly. Like, to— as Jesus said in Matthew 7 and those verses with the Sermon on the Mount, you know, first I need to get the log out of my eye so I can help get the speck out of my brother. So I'm going to examine myself under the, the scrutiny— maybe I shouldn't say scrutiny— I'm going to examine myself under the context and authority of the scripture and then I'm going to help come alongside and remove the speck out of my brother's eye. So again, to see clearly, I need to be able to start with myself. And then from there, whether it be my dad, my mom, my brother, my sister, my spouse, my kids, co-worker, friend, associate, uh, just person that serve— help the server, a person that's helping me buy some whatever, uh, plumber the nail tech, the whoever. Um, that is what helps us see things clearly in a way that we can help effectively. And so that being said, man, I just, I hope this kind of builds on that. Hope I shared some, some raw examples that just kind of give you a little bit more peek into my world. Uh, man, just keep me in prayer. Like yesterday, again, Man, great service, uh, celebrating my parents, 22 years of faithful leadership. My father-in-law was the speaker, mother-in-law, you know, my wife, um, just man, Pastor Reed, oh my God, man, him and his wife, my brother Caleb, like just dope people, man. I'm again, I'm connected to some very amazing people in ministry, um, but nevertheless, man, like all the God's people, man, my Uncle Junior Um, my mom talked about Reed. Of course, my wife is my wife. She was so fine, y'all. Um, and like all of God's people, man, like just the Willow Chapel church family. Like, I'm, I'm in Conway. I'm an hour and 30 minutes, and I drive— I strive to drive down there every other Sunday. Same with my wife with Lively Stone in Stuttgart. Like, if you're looking for a local church home in those areas, hey, plug in. Plug in within the Pine Bluff, greater Pine Bluff area. I don't even know if that's a thing. All right, uh, the local community and stuff. Stuttgart, Arkansas. Pine Bluff, Arkansas. Stuttgart, Arkansas. So anyway, I'm not going to ramble anymore. I mean, I love you all. Matter of fact, I'mma pray on this episode here. Uh, let's go. Dear Heavenly Father, I come today, Master, thanking you for your grace and your mercy. I thank you for your word that penetrates our souls, that you search us, uh, not that you are revealing anything to yourself, but you search it, search us to reveal to us where we stand so that you can mold us and shape us. But before you affirm us, Lord, we know that you first have to correct us. And I'm asking in this moment, as we um, just sit and meditate on you and yield and surrender unto you, God, that you just continue to shape us and, uh, help refine us in the areas that need to be refined. So most importantly, look like you so people can see Jesus. And so first, I mean, yes, so we can see clearly, and then people can hopefully see us and the, and the work that the Holy Spirit is doing in our life, the sanctification, the work that he's doing until we reach our glorified body. So thank you for justifying us, Lord. Thank you for giving us the Holy Spirit to help us with the sanctification process. And also thank you for the finished work of that you chose to do on the cross, that choosing you, that we may have life. And it's only through you, our Lord and Savior Jesus. So God, we thank you, and I ask you to bless everyone that's listening to this and not listening to it. And I ask that you touch their heart to share this with somebody that they believe that this can impact. I ask this in Jesus' name we pray. Amen. Be blessed, man. Love y'all. Thanks for joining me today on the Student Life Podcast. And remember, learning never stops and wisdom grows as we seek truth in both scripture and life. And until next time, keep walking faithfully and thinking deeply. Be blessed.