The Power of No. (People Pleasing)
24 Oct 2022 · 20 min
In this solo episode of the Student of Life Podcast, Tim Pratt Jr. reflects on his recent transformation from a chronic people‑pleaser to someone who confidently uses the "Power of No" to protect his time, energy, and calling. He begins by citing a passage from Torrey Roberts' book Balance that sparked his awareness that saying yes to everything creates hidden conflict. Pratt shares personal contexts—his roles as husband, father, associate pastor, agile delivery manager, and seminary student—and explains how over‑committing left him operating at only about 30% in his core competencies. He argues that a well‑placed no helps keep him within the 80%‑plus of his God‑given strengths, allowing him to serve family, ministry, and work effectively. Throughout, he emphasizes that a no must be purposeful, not arbitrary, and that boundaries function like riverbanks that channel a healthy flow rather than a destructive flood. He offers practical communication tips (e.g., giving brief reasons when appropriate, or stating a firm no without justification), and uses analogies such as a point guard versus a coach to illustrate staying within one's domain. Pratt also discusses the spiritual dimension, referencing Philippians 1 and the need to honor the Holy Spirit’s leading. He concludes with a call to listeners to identify one thing they can say no to today, reinforcing that every yes implicitly denies something else, and that embracing the power of no leads to greater self‑leadership, clarity, and impact.
Chapters
Hey, this is Tim Pratt Jr. and I want to welcome you to the Student of Life Podcast. Listen, we're going to get into so many transferable truths throughout the content of these episodes that I believe God is going to use to help you apply, because he's going to reveal what's already been there the entire time. Enjoy. Yo, what's up? So it's Tim Pratt Jr. and it's probably gonna be a really quick one for you today, man. I just want to drop some nuggets uh, through the grace of God on you. But, uh, I do have a note that I want to read from you, uh, but before we do that, a quote more so, uh, I wanna— this episode is going to be called The Power of No Pleasing People. The Power of No Pleasing People. And so getting into it, like I said, I read this book called Balance by Torrey Roberts, and it— one of my favorite chapters called The Power of No in it really blessed me. And the quote reads— I'm sorry— I've had to learn how to get comfortable with my own no, and I think this is why The Power of No was one of my favorite chapters in the book Balance. Far too many relationships work only because people say yes most of the time. Trying to avoid conflict by withholding a no that's warranted doesn't ensure peace but increases conflict within. Man, if I don't get nothing else from it, that in itself sold the book. And I have struggled in this area for so long, but probably the last few months I have definitely gotten better in it. Thank God. A lot of things have inspired it with my wife, you know, of course, uh, kind of fulfilling some obligations she has on the Army Reserve side, you know, trying to navigate kids and so on. Uh, being in ministry, associate pastor, being a senior agile delivery manager and Scrum Master at the team level. Um, it has been, it has been challenging. And so it has definitely helped me relearn or unlearn some bad habits because just being truthful with you, when I came into this space, uh, I learned a lot of bad habits. And recently, for the sake of time, you know, I've had to relearn a lot of things and learn them the right way. And, uh, now it's helping me, it's helping empower me and equipping me to like, oh, this is how I should have been functioning. The whole time, not just in the context of my secular job, but in ministry as well, being in seminary again. Um, so, uh, it's equipping me to understand how valuable a yes can be. And like I say, just to set context, we don't want to say no for no sake. We want a no to help empower us to stay more in our core competency areas. As leaders, or whatever we do in life, you know, if you're an individual contributor, if you're a leader, manager, whatever, you're always going to have blind spots and weaknesses. And we're always going to have to do things that we don't want to do. But I believe that we want to at least try to stay 80% in our core competency areas, or that we believe God has called us to. And no allows us to do that. And for me, man, it was probably one point in time that it felt like I was like only getting like 30% in my core areas of things I love, and it was horrible. And so now I'm like, you know, the things I've been going through in my life, I've been trying to get in that place and stay there recently. And no easy— no, like I say, no, it was empowering me to do that and not having a mindset to just please people. Because I— if a relationship is only good as me saying yes or trying to please someone, I don't want it anymore. Uh, even at the point, like, man, if it's somebody that I like in ministry, if I was up under pastor, if I reported to somebody, now I don't care anymore. Like, I'm like, bro, if it— like, now I get it, certain things, you know, you, you honor your leader, you try to torment what torments your leader. I do believe in that philosophy, but in proper context. If that's the only reason the relationship is working, I'm straight, I'm good. I was like, Lord, just help me find somewhere else to plant and be and submit to, because it's not— it's, it's not what it is. And so, uh, and I'm starting to really walk in that and walk in that with confidence now in my, uh, just in my ability, uh, as a person, as a human being, and just trying to just understand the dynamic of like, you know, hey, how can I contribute to the big picture based on the value that I believe that I can, uh, bring with my skill sets and my diversity and so on and so on. And I hope other people think that too. And just think about it, if we're always saying yes to whatever— and I've been challenging this, you know, it's been like in various forms of feedback, even from my own wife, like just being straight up with you. My wife was like, babe, you got to start saying no. Like, you try to take on too much and then you complain about it. And fair enough. So it's not like I I'm— so when she comes back, we gonna see how that really plays out. But, uh, but nevertheless, like I said, but I'm not saying no just to say no, but for the most part, she was right. And so no is a complete sentence. Like, I have come into the realization that I know that I'm a hard worker. I know, uh, that I bring my all to everything, like whether I'm coaching my kids, when I'm in ministry, when I'm at my job, you know, when I'm called to be my role as a husband, a father, just, uh, just a friend. Like, I bring my all. And I talked to you a little bit on that last one, you know, I went too far. And we're going to probably revisit submission because, um, that, that's a whole nother topic for another day. But, you know, I kind of shared some things on my heart in the last episode that I believe that I had to correct and repent because I was out of order. I was wrong, uh, especially when it come in the context of a leader And so we just have to understand, like, even if that person, uh, it's okay to be like, no, like, I can't do XYZ, or no, you know, respectfully, or not trying to please all the time. Like, because it's, it's like a, like that dangling carrot, uh, example that's out there, you know. It's just like, hey, dangle, dangle, dangle, and then it's like you're never going to get it because this person knows that, like, hey, they are people pleasing. They're trying to please me, so let me just put this just a little bit in front of them and then snatch it. Put it just a little bit in front of me and snatch it. And I don't want to be that person. I don't. And I don't want to do that to people. And so when you're trying to truly operate in your gifts and the areas that you believe God has developed you in, you have to be equipped to say no. You, you have to have the courage to say no or not right now. Uh, like I say, because sometimes, you know, we can be under certain leaders that, you know, as much as I want to be like, no, I'm not doing it, you have to kind of give reasons why. Or like in ministry, if you're under a pastor, it's like they're asking for something, you just know, I don't want to do it. Like, you, you have to give reason. Then there are a lot of relationships that it's like, no, I'm not doing it. It's a complete sentence. I'm done. Like, don't ask me why, nothing. Like, I don't have to give you any reasons for it. Uh, it's a no for me. And so I believe that when we are out here living this life, life. And as Torrey Roberts was saying in the book, you know, if a relationship is only working because of the yeses that I'm giving, and like I just keep saying yes and yes and yes to, to satisfy this need and to keep things going, then I don't want it. I don't want it anymore. I don't, I don't want to do it because I want to operate and be fully present in every area of my life. I want the Lord to position me to be great at everything that I do. Why would I keep spending time and saying yes to everything when I know that it doesn't position me to do all things well? So we want to be in our core area. We want to be in our core area. I've said yes to coaching my middle son again, you know, my oldest is in conference ball now. That— so, and then I have a daughter like I have a— like I have a life, you know. I have a life outside of ministry and outside of work. Like right now it would be pastors. Like I've took assignments, I've been doing like leadership development stuff. Now I'm transitioning to that because it's near and dear to my heart and working with ministries, uh, and small business to like go in and help people become better. And this stuff takes time. People don't become better overnight. I, I don't. I'm continually growing. But saying no to some things is allowing me to do things I really, really love. And I have to understand that in the context of first starting with my primary thing outside of my family, my wife, my kids, is, you know, I have a job. It helps propel some of these things. But even in that job, I'm thankful to— I am thankful to have a leader. Although our relationship can be challenging sometimes, Um, this is a transparent podcast. Like, our relationship can be challenging sometimes, and it could be friction, it could be tension there. But nevertheless, I can truly say my leader is day by day empowering me. Hey, well, bring me data, show me this, show me that, you know, on why you're, you're not going to stand on this and you're going to stand on this. That's, that's, that's just what it is. And so this is kind of freeing me up. I'm like, okay, that's what I have to do. Then this is freeing me up to do XYZ because I don't want to be so mentally drained that it's these things I'm trying to do now and I love to do on the side. But once again, it's like, hey, no, I can't do that right there. No, I don't have the capacity to do this. In ministry, same thing. Hey, I can't counsel at all times of night. I can't just counsel because your kid is going through a situation and it's 12 midnight. I like— these are my hours, these are my— this is my calendar. I have 4 hours a week dedicated, or 5 hours a week dedicated to just pastoral counseling, um, because I have my kids' practice, I have a wife, like I said, I have a daughter. So I have really become highly structured and organized, uh, to the point where once again the power of no and not pleasing people, but all of these boundaries— see, we have to operate in boundaries. I preached a message last week, and it was coming out of Philippians 1 with Paul when he was talking about, you know, love and letting your love grow more and more, abound more and more. But he was saying, I want to encourage you basically to add knowledge and all discernment to that, like banks, boundaries. Because think about a river. If a river just flows loosely without boundaries and banks, it can become highly destructive. And that's what our yes can do sometimes without boundaries, without qualifying our yes. That's what it can do, because it's just like one end we're trying to people-please and one end we just can't say no. And it can run us raggedy where it's not necessarily, you know, like destroying houses and stuff in the context of that example, but it's destroying us because it's like we don't have no time to do what we believe God called us to do because we're too busy letting other people dictate Well, you don't have direction? I give you direction. You don't know how to take things by the horn? I'll tell you what to take by the horn. You can't say no to me? Cool, I'll say yes to something else for you. So let the power of no truly equip you to stop pleasing people and live in the space that God has called you to live. And once again, like I say, this is not to just say no for no sake. If it truly warrants a no, man, evaluate it and say no and stand on it. Stand on it and honor that. Honor what you said. Because at the end of the day, like, you have to have you. You have to take care of you in proper context. You have to live and stay true to what the God— what the Lord— what the Spirit of God is telling you to do. And a lot of us, man, it's our compassion. Like, I'm a person where I love to see things moving. I hate things staying stagnant. It don't matter if it's ministry, work, whatever. I hate things staying stagnant. But I'm learning, okay, cool. I— if it's gonna be stagnation over there, I'm gonna do everything I can to keep it flowing. And maybe I can influence, or maybe somebody got it to some— I don't know. But I'm done trying to make all things work together because I was never called to do that in the first place in that context. Now, as a leader, yes, you have to learn how to work through people and all of this type of stuff, but there are certain areas where it's just like, okay, no, this is a team, this is a team dynamic. Yes, I'm a leader. Like, you have a leader— think about a point guard on the court. That point guard is an extension of the coach, but the coach is still responsible for making the whole team function as a unit. The point guard has a responsibility to be a floor general, but the coach is still responsible for making the whole unit work together. It's a tandem relationship. But at that point, guard now tries to go step over and be the coach and then be the other 4 positions, then he's not going to excel in what he was called to do. That's all I'm saying. And a lot of times those lines do look blurry because you can say, well, the point guard, if he's the floor general, he's essentially the coach. The coach should be able to sit back and not do anything. No, that coach needs to be fired. Like, and that's how a lot of stuff works, because sometimes people can have really good leaders where they are just benefiting off the system. Like, truthfully, look at— just now, I'm not saying Steve Kerr is not a good coach, but truthfully, I feel like most coaches that are really, really good could coach the Golden State Warriors into the playoffs. I feel like an average coach could literally get them to the championship or deep in the playoffs. We've seen this with LeBron James where he has literally took the worst coaches deep into the playoffs just because of his greatness. But just imagine if he would have had like a true coach. So some people, they're just gonna ride that coattail. It's the luck of the draw, whatever you want to call it, you know. It's a good team up under them, and but they're a horrible leader, and that happens. And so, um, And if we're not careful, just think about if you try to become a people pleaser to someone like that, or, or you can't say no to someone like that when they don't even have your best interest at heart. And then you have people that do have your best interest at heart, um, but it's you that can't say no. Like, there are— they could be totally fine with you saying like, hey, listen, I get it because I have your best interest at heart, but you're so caught up in trying to please them that and you just don't say no. And so they're like, well, maybe this person does have the capacity, they can maybe take these things on, maybe, I don't know. And so it could be— that's why it comes back to you. You have to take care of you. You can't— at the end of the day, you can't pass the book, no matter if the leader is horrible, if the leader is great. You have to take care of you. You have to see the system and know your role. I'm telling my kids that now. I really have no value in you going down there trying to rebound and take out the best player on the team and play down in the paint and bang and post up when I need you facilitating the offense. Like, yeah, those things are good, but it's taking you away from doing what I need, or you're going to be so worn down when I need you in the fourth quarter. So that's what I have truly had to learn, and what the power of no is like helping me see, like, oh This, like, I know, I, I know what's coming. I know what's coming down the pipe. I know my schedule. The power of know is really giving me that ability to see in all these dynamics, like, oh man, like, I, I have this much stuff coming up with ministry, I have this much stuff coming up with work, I have this much stuff coming up in my personal life. So it's helping me navigate these things where I can position myself through the power of God to do all things well. And that's what I want for you. So Just take some time. What can you say no to? What can you say no to today? What can you say no to tomorrow, next week? And can you stop pleasing people? Because remember, if you're saying yes to something, you're saying no to something else anyway. But now just flip it and be like, no, I'm gonna give it my no. I'm gonna give you a clear no, and this is why I can't do this, because I need to be able to do this. And if it's— and stay true to it. If it's, if it's a true no and it warrants it, give it. Give it. It's a no for me, as they say. So I hope this really touched you all, man. Like I said, I'm just trying to grow and evolve as a person, as a leader, and just as I— in my roles— and just help people become the best that they can be. And that's starting with myself, you know, self-leadership, self-awareness. And this is an area that I know that I have struggled with, and I can truthfully say in the last maybe, like I say, a few months Uh, I don't believe I struggle with it as much anymore. Like, I have been clearing a lot of areas in my life and will continue to even be more and more clear. And in due time, like, it will all make sense because, like I say, at this point it's all about operating well in every area of my life. And that's what this has empowered and equipped me to do, uh, going forward. Uh, so listen, I pray, man, that y'all was blessed by this. I said this was another one that was pretty much just shooting straight from the hip, but we're going to kind of get back to some structure. We might do like a pull one at the archive, uh, one of probably the better— like, I'm gonna go probably look at like the up here, the top performing episodes, and probably pull one of them. And then we'll get back into the nitty-gritty of things. Uh, so man, I love you all, man. Be blessed and remember the power of no. Hey, what's up? I want to thank you for taking the time to listen to the Student Life Podcast today. If this content has impacted you in any kind of way, please take some time to share it on your social media feeds. And also, if you want to connect with me or just learn more about me, go over to www.timothyprattjr.org. Once again, thanks.
