The Quiet Cost of Holding It All

Hey, this is Tim, and welcome to the Student Life Podcast, where we explore the everyday challenges and big questions of life through a biblical lens while navigating the realities of a secular world. Enjoy. Yo, what up? So I'm your host, Tim Pratt Jr., and we're going to call this one The Quiet Cost of Holding It All. I'm going to say that again: The Quiet Cost of Holding It All. We're going to get straight into this one. I'm not going to waste your time in any capacity. Not that I ever try to, but this is going to be a lighter one. Just something that I believe God has put on my heart and also through observation. So one of the things that I would like to call out is I do see a better job of people learning how to choose themselves in a biblical sense. However, I do think that we still wrestle with that at times. Matter of fact, Tierra, she put up a Facebook status that I ended up commenting on. Her and her husband are just so dope. Don't talk to them as much as I should probably, but they're some amazing people, some amazing worshipers, faithful to the Word of God. Just that family is so dope, just in general. I wish I could sing like them, but God didn't bless me with that. But she put up a status just talking about like people pleasing, reformed people pleasers, and how are we navigating that in a biblical sense of putting others before ourselves and where it's not false humility and things like that. And I had commented on it as well as read a lot of the comments, other comments on that post. And I was definitely blessed by it because I do believe that I wrestled a lot with people pleasing and just being a yes man. Especially when it came in the context of trying to prove myself in early in my career, because I didn't have the tools nor the wisdom to navigate certain things. And of course, as I have matured in, in the faith, as well as matured just in day-to-day life, and, and see things more holistically, opening myself up to counseling and coaching and learning how to biblically choose myself, uh, and confront systems and structures and all of that type of stuff, I do believe that I'm more healthier than I was. I see things again more holistically, more like the way I believe Jesus always wanted us to see it. Especially when you come up in ministry, and I'm not saying ministry is the only sacrificial, I've seen doctors stay on call and give their life, and that could be their ministry as well. But a lot of times, us that more so come up within the local church context, we have this saying called die on empty, and I, and I agree with that, but I don't think that that ever meant to die in the, in the context of you're going so hard for everybody else, but the people around you don't get that consistent outpour as well. Uh, they see a version of you that is always on empty, uh, because everybody else always gets the version of you that has fuel or whatever you want to say. So again, I don't want to deal with extremes. I like new ones, gray areas. So I do see that it is better today. But also too, I've seen it where people have went on the opposite end of the spectrum. It's kind of like no sacrifices. And then like I said, you do have people to walk it out in a holistic way. And like I say, counseling and reading— a matter of fact, Torrey Roberts' book Balance was game-changing for me. Uh, if you haven't read that, I would highly encourage you to check that out. Um, so the thing is, man, um, I just want to basically— let me just— let's get straight to the point. So sometimes in trying to keep everything afloat, like again, when you're trying to keep work, uh, ministry, of course family— family is first, you know, outside of God for me. Expectations, like we slowly, again, we lose ourselves in the process. We do. Trying to juggle it all up, especially as a man, and I take my role and my responsibility very serious. Like, I'm fortunate to be a systems delivery coach and operating as the, if you wanna call it executive pastor, associate pastor. I have this podcast, again, do coaching on the side. 3 kids, of course married to my beautiful wife, Naisha. And a host of things. Like, I'm getting it, I'm a reader, getting into golf, so, and serving in different type of things and capacities when it comes to ministry. And my job can be demanding at times, and all of this. And if I'm not careful, like, I'll get in this habit, especially with the boys when they're playing basketball. Again, you have a 16-year-old, 13-year-old, and a 4-year-old, 2 boys, and a little girl is 4. And I can get in this posture of keep showing up like, uh, just keep performing, for lack of better terms, because I have to go. My kids have to see the best version of me. And as much as I would not like to admit, sometimes the, the two things that will take a back seat if I'm not intentional, it's my devotion time. It gets shorter and shorter and shorter, if not none. And now it is, uh, the Holy Spirit. I'm, I'm more mature, better now than I was before. And then the next is my wife, because we don't want the kids to feel any type of way. And it's not like we're always arguing, but miscues might come up because we strive for ministry sacrifices. Uh, both of our dads are pastors, both ministries are relatively far, not in our local community. Um, again, the kids, the school dynamics and all of that, and my wife, military reserve. So I'm saying like a lot is on our plate that a lot of people typically don't see. And when you're trying to keep holding everything together, you can— we can wrestle with that tension. So, because that's what— that's what we're doing. That's what people are seeing. They, like I say, they keep seeing us show up. I'm not complaining. Like, I thank God that we can. But a lot of times we are— we're showing up tired, uh, we're showing up conflicted. Like, seriously, we are. Even if— and I'm not saying it's just us. I'm like, I'm just really striving to put language to something that you might be going through, because you don't always have to be married to, to, or have kids to feel this. Again, like I said, what about a doctor that might be working 65, 70 hours in the name of they really love what they do and they don't want anything to happen to a patient on their watch? But you're stretched thin, and it's— and, and like, and instead of addressing it, we absorb it over and over and over. We just keep absorbing it, and I don't, I don't believe that's biblical. And, and sometimes again, like, we can carry conflict, uh, internally because, uh, we, we don't— prime example, here it goes, this is where— yeah, thank you, Holy Spirit, that's what Tierra was getting to— we, uh, don't want to disappoint people, we don't want to create that tension, uh, and we feel responsible for everything working. Like, in other words, man, if I don't show up, it might not work the way it needs to. And again, here it goes, we start absorbing instead of processing that. And that's dangerous. That's a very dangerous place to be in. And, and again, we're going to see that scripture is very clear about the weight of an unguarded inner life. Matter of fact, I believe I've done a podcast on this before with, uh, Proverbs 4:23, when it talks about guarding our hearts because everything out of it flows, flows from it all. Like, that's just, that's just what it is. And to put it in this proper context Again, this is not about just emotions only. Like, we know that in scripture the heart represents the inner life. In other words, it shapes our behavior. This is why heart posture is so essential. If you don't hear nothing else— I know it's become a buzzword now, but heart posture is so essential, man. Um, Lord, how can I say this? Um, come on, uh, Tim, uh, because I, I didn't do a lot— I didn't— anyway, I don't really do a lot of notes, just kind of bullet points. But anywho, So, um, um, if we never deal with what's on the inside of us— like, hear me— if we never deal what's on the inside of us, it will eventually show up somewhere else. And just like I was saying earlier in the episode, a lot of times we will sacrifice ourselves over and over and over. And then you hear this word displacement because we're really not naming things, or we're deflecting, uh, even we're self-deceived, like, even about ourselves because we won't put language to it. And a lot of times, uh, especially just for me— I'm just keeping it with me, I'm not going to say my community or anything like that— but I believe that we don't like to name things because we don't really want to lean in and deal with it. But however, especially in the ministry context, sometimes through that pastoral vein, unhealthy pastoral veins, um, we'll try to help other people name it so they can deal with it. But yet we won't practice it. But that, but that's not the episode today. Um, so, but one thing we have to understand, not just in leaders, but pressure leaks, man. Like, it does. When we, when we don't, when we feel that, when we don't process things, uh, process the pressure, sit with people that can love us and cover us, as they say, not have like a sunroof in there but a hard top, like we can go to them, it's going to usually leak. Again, it's not always going to be maybe at, at the local church that you're serving. It's not always going to be at the— at your job that you're going to, a career that you're in or whatever. It's not going to be at your kids' games. It's often going to be at home. And why is that? Like, why, why have you ever thought about that? Why is that? Because I believe— and this is what I learned, I believe, in this book called The Home Field Advantage, it's a little short book is because that's where we finally get a chance to exhale from the world. But check this out, check this out. In Luke 6:45, it says, "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." In an immediate context, what was Jesus' point? Here it goes again, just like Proverbs. What's inside of us eventually comes out. It's only a matter of time before it comes out. And the question is, is that if you're not processing it, it might come out against the people that are the closest to you because they're always around. Any of us can kind of turn it on and off for a little bit, but when it's people around us consistently, that's where it gets— it gets challenging. Because unprocessed pressure— how can I say this— unprocessed pressure always looks for an outlet. That's it. Thank you, Holy Spirit. Unprocessed pressure always looks for an outlet. That's why we need to process it in safe spaces. That's why now, like, I'm probably gonna drop down to maybe once a month. I may not— still may go like every 3 weeks or something, or maybe just keep it 2 weeks. But, uh, right now I'm what I like to call in prevention counseling. Like, now there's things sometimes I have going on and I'll share, and I was going to stop it because like Uh, not that it was anything wrong with the counselor, but I was like, no, the Holy Spirit was like, just use this as an outlet, man, to just be more preventative. And that's a whole nother conversation. Um, so again, just remember, sometimes the people closest to us experience the overflow of the pressure, uh, that we've never dealt with or not dealing with or won't name it, won't put language to it. And then sometimes we're asking people to see us in the context of help us put language to something we don't even understand. And why not just go get help? And yeah, go start with your pastor. Uh, this is why I'm a big advocate of a local church, or not just your pastor per se, but another mature believer within your local church, local community, or somebody in your family. And if you can't start there, then maybe seek and pray and ask God to pray and seek out professional help. And I would say strive to find someone that's biblical or Christian worldview. If you can't find like a solid biblical counselor, um, But that's me. But if of all else, just go get help. There's nothing wrong with it. It's not at all. Like, and this is the thing I think that we have to understand. We have to learn how to choose ourselves biblically. We do. Like, this isn't about selfishness. It's about the proper stewardship of our soul. I just did a whole leadership training, long-winded for sure, went almost an hour, but on serving and the, the latter part of it focus heavy on stewardship. And stewardship is our responsibility. Biblically, it is like God is the owner, he's the provider, he's the source, but he's, he's given us the ability to steward. And I— it's something that Jesus modeled consistently, and we, we have the perfect model if we read the gospels. And it's something that we should strive to model as well. Mark 1:35. Check this out. Very early in the morning, Jesus went to a solitary place and prayed. In some accounts, it says he often went to desolate places and prayed. Like, and this, like, this was, this, uh, was during the peak of his ministry, not in low moments. While people were demanding him and calling for him, he would still keep those rhythms— there you go— those rhythms and practices in place. And sometimes, man, it's us. Like, we hold up the mirror. It's our inconsistent rhythms and practices, our lack of discipline, that it's not always, uh, the enemy disrupting our life. It's us disrupting our life because we won't sit down and name things. We're not disciplined. Like, man, one of the things I'm— and I'm not knocking spiritual warfare, but one thing that just really drives me is when we start calling things, uh, spiritual warfare and demonic activity when it's really truthfully our inconsistent and bad decisions, lack of discipline, lack of naming things, is eventually now showing up because we reap what we sow. And sometimes we're so biblically that we always think it has to be sinful things. But just what if you keep having late-night cookies every night, uh, and drinking coffee and eating candy every night, ice cream every night, like If I eat pizza at night now, I have heartburn. It's a rough night for me. It really— if I eat pizza at all, and I, and I used to love pizza, I can't eat it like I used to. But one time, and I had some, some, some good pizza, and, um, and I end up drinking like a Coke or something like that. And for like, I wrestled with there for like 2, 3 days where I literally thought I was going to go to the emergency room. It wasn't no spiritual attack. I just didn't need to be eating it, and it caught up with me because I was eating some other things too. So, man, for the last 3 weeks to a month, like, I'm just trying, like, very light system and rhythm, but not just trying to become like a bodybuilder or anything like that, but just really striving to let it be a way of life, man. I know anything can happen, uh, that's true. Like, people in good health, anything can happen, but I still don't want that to be an excuse not for me to be disciplined. And have better rhythms and practices in place. Like, why should I— why, why am I trying to speed it up? Like, if I can at least participate in being more healthy, why not? And, uh, anywho, man, that's a whole nother conversation. I might have to get my boy Dre on for that one. Uh, but again, this was during the peak— this was during the peak of Jesus' ministry when he was in high demand. People were literally looking for him, pulling on him, demanding him, yet He stepped away. Hear me, not to escape responsibility, but to make sure that he was remained aligned with God's will, because he was fully God and fully man in the flesh. But what is the practical application of that? Am I aligned to the Lord first and foremost? Am I aligned with my wife, my family? Then the other things in that priority. Am I aligned to my rhythms? Are they in alignment with what I'm desiring for God? Some of us are just, again, carrying too much. And if— this is why I believe Jim Rome said, if I would have known the cost of some things, I would have never paid the price. And some of us need to sit down and say, do I want to keep paying, uh, this price for what it's costing me? I'm gonna say that again. Some of us need to sit down, look in the mirror, and say, do I want to keep paying the price for what this is costing me? Like, this is like— stay biblical. Stay biblical with it. So if you, if you never learn how to step away, if you never have learned how to tend to your own soul, eventually— I'm— hear me, I'm telling you, eventually we're holding everything together, trying to hold everything together will eventually fall apart, is what I'm trying to say. So again, choosing yourself in this context, like choosing ourselves in this context means acknowledging our limits, We have to name things. We have to call them out. We need to learn how to process our emotions. Some of us are just— have poor people skills. We do. And we sometimes try to be bold, but we really have poor people skills. We have to take space when needed. We do. Like, let me put in a pause here. Uh, and then of course, most importantly, staying connected to God. That's, that's what this is essentially all about. And, and it's something that I'm striving to be real intentional and like growing my people skills, learning how to lean into things, learning how to name stuff. Uh, like I just seen a guy say that— a counselor, therapist— he was giving a keynote and saying that he was just diagnosed with clinical depression, and he was like, don't be sad for me, be happy for me, because now I can put a name with it, and now that I have a name, I can deal with it. Like, we, we gotta stop, stop this, like, not wanting to name stuff. I'm not saying God can't heal and take things away, but a lot of times healing comes through the community as well, not just vertical but also horizontally. So, man, my last, I guess I say my last thought on this is that sometimes, truthfully, man, the most responsible thing that we can do isn't holding everything together. Like, it's not. It's making sure that we don't lose ourselves in the process of it. I'mma say that again. Sometimes the most responsible thing that we can do isn't holding everything together. It's making sure that we don't lose ourselves in the process in carrying out these things. Like, we have to model Christ. Christ was in high demand, but yet he often withdrew himself to make sure that he was aligned with God. And that's what we have to ask ourselves first and foremost. Am I aligned with God? Am I aligned with his order? Because we will never have order, and God will never— let me say this right, right, Holy Spirit— God will never, uh, bless something that he's not in alignment with. He won't. So again, sometimes the most responsible thing that we can do isn't holding everything together. It's not. It's making sure that we don't lose ourselves in the process. Just as Jesus did when he was in high demand. He often got away to stay in alignment with God. Fully God, fully man. He modeled this. I believe that again, the practical application for this is alignment with God, alignment with our family, and basically just essentially alignment with God's order. That's it. Do my rhythms, practices. Are all these things in alignment of what I'm saying, because the last thing I want to do is walk in self-deception to know what to do and we won't do it. And as Jim Rohn said, if I ever would have known what this would have cost, I would have never paid the price. So stop and ask yourself, am I paying a price that's not worth the cost, especially the cost of my life, family, and most importantly, my fellowship with my Lord and Savior. Be blessed, man. Thanks for joining me today on the Student Life Podcast. And remember, learning never stops and wisdom grows as we seek truth in both scripture and life. And until next time, keep walking faithfully and thinking deeply. Be blessed.