4 Signs It's Time to Let Go a Toxic Friendship

Hi guys and welcome back! So let's keep going with this whole Valentine thing. Today we're actually gonna talk about something that for me is so important, and I'm gonna say something that is very unpopular, and a lot of people is scared of doing this because, you know, I think it's actually more painful breaking up with a friend than breaking up with a romantic partner. And it's okay, I'm gonna explain you why, and we're gonna, you know, dive in into this whole thing about why you should and also why you can say goodbye to a friendship, especially when they become toxic. And I think that, you You know, I woke up today and I was like checking on my friends and thinking that I have few friends left from Venezuela. And even here in the state, I just like, I can count my friends with my hands or less. I have a group, you know, that lives in the city. That's the group that I normally hang out with. Uh, but I felt like sometimes we have to let go of certain friendships in order to keep evolving. And you know, my last episode was about dating and single life and identify what we have called as red flags. You can actually check it here. Um, but I wanted to talk about something that hurts even more than romantic relationships, and it's friendships. So I have a question to start this episode today, and it's basically I was asking myself, do friendships have an expiration date? And sometimes I have this conversation with my closest friends, the ones that survive my intensity. Thank you, thank you for still being here. But I remember discussing when a friendship is no longer good, right? What makes it bad instead of good or positive for you? Or, you know, where they're constantly hurting you. So what would you do with a friendship that is hurting you constantly. And in some ways, even if you gave them a lot of chances, they keep like making you bad and not good in any way. Or even like, you know, they ghost you randomly, and after a month you, you keep wondering what happened. Or maybe you don't. Anyways, I wanted to do this episode because friendships are important to me right now, and I have like really, really painful relationships like friendships in the past that I needed to let go in order to like, you know, keep going with my life and maybe open space for new people. And I real— I realized I only wanted, as in dating, like with friends, friendships, I just wanted to invest my energy in people that make me feel good, valued, heard, and most of all make me feel like I can be myself all the time and don't feel sorry about it. Or, uh, you know, even if I'm changing, like how that person, how that friend can embrace the Val that is evolving, that Val that is becoming maybe into someone else— or not someone else because I don't really believe we totally change— but doing something stuff like something new, or maybe just changing, changing the places I normally go to, whatever, the type of people I'm dating with. So I think it's really important to realize that a good friend won't be the one that manipulate you to do something you don't want to, because they know you enough to know what makes you feel comfortable or no. Or at least they respect when you just don't want to do it. And I know that this might sound a little bit extreme. However, I have friends that totally destroy my self-esteem and, and my heart, and recovering from that is actually really painful. And you know, it's, it's more painful than some romantic relationships. And I've been changing, and I've been checking my journal and my experiences with my friends since college, like, you know, do this introspective process of, oh, what happened here and there, and how did that made me, how did that made me feel in the past. And I wanted to share 4 signs today that help me identify when a friendship is toxic And what can you do when you realize that a friendship that you maybe hold in your heart is actually bad for you? I think we should keep our mental sanity, especially because you are— I think when you're growing up, you are also what you surround yourself with. And that evil— that, that it's also about people you get together with. So the first sign, and let's do this, is basically you don't feel supported. And what I mean with this is support should be something tangible. I think that especially when we are open up with someone, we might, you know, be bonding with on a friendship level, and we should know, we should show ourselves accountable for them, right, when they don't feel like it. But at the same time we want that person to be there for us even when we just want to rant about stuff. We're not like looking for any advice or whatever, just like ranting. And I think when we are in a toxic relationship, we don't really feel supported because we don't feel the person is actually listening with empathy and offering any type of validation for your distress and pain. They normally minimize you, hardly respond, and hardly respond to your messages, uh, or requests for help. I think that's, that's a very important sign that I realized about friendships. Um, I think, and not the second sign will be, it's like you blame yourself for their behavior. In a way, it's like you end up blaming yourself for what they have total responsibility over. And this is like when they lash out at you, you believe you deserved it. It's like, oh, maybe I was too, too bad, or maybe I was not listening enough and I was not, not present enough, or maybe I should apologize. And it's like, hmm, it's, it's like, maybe I'm too needy, right? But maybe you're not. Maybe you're not. So if you don't answer them or make time for them, they're gonna make you feel miserable. So be really careful with this type of people because they might not be conscious about it, but they are really toxic. Toxic. You might even feel like grateful. They do like a kind of gaslighting and love bomb, but in a friendship way. Uh, so it's— I think it's— they pointed out a lot of your flaws, you know, it's always your fault. So be really careful with taking responsibility for what, you know, it's on them. The third sign I realized when I was doing this digging deep It was— it's like you feel out of balance in a way. You feel you have to be extremely careful in how to approach this person in order to keep them calm because they normally are pretty reactive. And it's like you don't know what to say or do anymore, basically. And they leave you wondering instead of clearly communicating what they want. So they overreact every time, and it's like, oh, and you have to hold it. And it's like Actually, we're adults, so I think you should deal with your shit and I should deal with mine. And I think that's the way it works. So I think I hate when someone just disturbs my peace. It's just like, why are we doing this again? And the final one, and it's one of the most important one, is like your other relationships start suffering because of that friendship, which is basically you might wonder if someone sees you as flawed or boring or unsupportive. And, you know, you start— you begin avoiding people as a result because that friend that manipulated you and that didn't support you, that blamed you for what they had to take responsibility on, and that constantly is pointing your flaws and make you feel insecure about you being a good friend, Uh, it's just like feasible, it's like real, that scenario is happening. So you stop avoiding people that might be good for you, other friends or family or even your romantic partner. So I think that's very dangerous because this can keep you from seeking support in these people and that, that they do care about you. And at the end you ended up alone and isolated. So I think is really, really important to grab this together and think a little bit and say, you know, take a little bit, like one day, to think about your relationships, like your friendships specifically. Because when you keep growing, protecting your energy, especially with friends, it's so important, right? So I am really busy right now, and I know if I'm gonna spend time with my friends, are probably the friends that showed me that they can support me and be there for me as much as I can be there for there for them. It's an exchange relationship, like exchanging energy all the time. And yeah, it's true that sometimes we might be more willing to be for the other person because maybe the other person is going through a lot of shit. That's true. But I mean, it's not about manipulating you or making you feel guilty because you cannot be there for them. It's just like, it's just not fair. And So after I realized about these 4 signs, like, you know, it was like, okay, I don't feel supported in a way. I think they're blaming me, or they making me feel out of balance, or make me— they make me sacrifice things I really want to do just to be with them, or they are really jealous about my other friendships or whatever, and they're really selfish. So I asked myself, what can I do? If I found myself feeling like this. So, right, and I think I realized I wanted to share how now I try to cut relationships that I— it doesn't— like, they don't longer serve me anymore. Because I don't think we need to be rude or even harsh with the person. At the end, they're also human. And you have two options, and that's the main thing. That's the thing I said. You can always communicate with the other person and see if it's okay to give them a second chance. Or if you feel like definitely this is not going anywhere after you did this, or even if it's just like for you it's been enough, drop the friendship. Don't be scared of dropping the friendship. I know it might be really scary because you share a lot of experiences, but it's just taking a lot of your energy, and you need to protect yourself. And it's okay, you're not a bad person for doing this. Be thankful, be thankful, and try to have time to think and process what just happened with this situation, especially if you drop the friendship. What I've done in the past, um, when I had like fights with friends and found there was something odd, is first of all I take space. Before you do one of these things I said, take space. So you can maybe use the no-contact rule, uh, and it might, it might help you to have like mental space because taking time apart from that friendship, um, can help you or might help you to sort through it and, you know, to sort through your feelings and get some clarity of what you're feeling and thinking. The second thing I will do set boundaries. So make, make very clear, make it clear, you know, I'm not going to accept certain behaviors like shooting or lying or gossiping or flaking out of plans with no explanation. You might consider explaining them why their behavior hurts you, because that's also a sign that they are actually listening and acknowledging what what's important for you, uh, during this period, right? And this third, third thing I will do, and I did in the past, is practice ahead of time. If you feel like really triggered or upset, try to, you know, put those feelings clear on a table and see how are you feeling that. And if you know you're going to end up relationship, be respectful and communicate it. Stop normalizing ghosting people, uh, if you don't have like anything like really extreme. Because I think you would like someone to do that with you if they're gonna cut off, cut off, you know, the relationship. And I will do it in a like, in a place that it's private, like, you know, talking with that person is like respecting in a way and appreciating all the experiences you have with a person. So you go to a private place and you talk to them very privately, uh, also making them feel safe about it, even if you're like cutting off. But it's just like you're respecting them. I think that getting trapped in a toxic friendship can make you feel embarrassed, and that's how I felt, like, you know, confused. Distrustful or of others. I think that if you've distanced yourself from old friends or other friends, I think it's time you can reach them back and, you know, telling them what happened and telling them how do you feel and trying to make things better. Uh, you probably have some friends who are really, really, really there for you and they are more than willing to open support for you. Um, so reaching out to them and explaining again the situation can help you to regain these positive friendships, um, which can help you heal faster. If you have mutual friends with that person that you're breaking up, I think that's— I want to emphasize this because I think it's, it's hard. I think when you are going to break up with a friend is like, oh, but we have— sometimes we can say, oh, we have so many people in common, and you know, all my group. And it was like, you always have the chance to do new friends, to like create new friendships, to connect with new people. Don't be afraid of losing those friendships, because if you lose them, they were never yours in a way. They're never— they were never really part of your life. And If you have mutual friends and you want to keep in contact with one of the, like, you know, the other part of the group and whatever, explain, explain to them the reason why you're cutting up that friendship. And, and also ask for respect and support and understanding. They are worth being in contact with when you are going through this. So I think that's important. Sometimes we have to let go, and I think I would like to say goodbye with this. And don't let anyone, anyone mistreat you just because you shared amazing experiences with those ones. Um, it takes more than have things in common and have fun to create meaningful and lasting friendships. And when you surround yourself with the right people, everything, everything in life makes sense. So think a little bit about how do you feel with your friendships if you're going through this situation, especially in this month. So I like to take in consideration, um, friendships also, and not just like romantic relationships. I'm gonna eat my cupcake, by the way. So I hope you have a great San Valentín's Day. Mmm, so good.