I don't trust people as much anymore: self-trust issues and some tips

the hardest thing ever for me in this healing process that I am going through, it's been my relationship with trust. Hi, welcome back. I was just making a cup of tea and I want to say hi to everyone and kind of reintroduce myself because I was trying really hard to change the way I am trying to talk to you. Things have changed a lot. I'm— I was doing like a lot of content focusing like fitness and whatever, and it's just like I felt kind of lost because I've been writing a lot and I connect a lot with the things I write because I have like no filters when I write and I want to do more content related to that. But anyways, thank you for being here today. I want to talk about my relationship with trust at my 27th and— 7th. Okay. My relationship with trust at 27. By the way, if you like my content, just, you know, the subscribe button is here. Make sure you hit it. And also, if you think this video is going to help someone that is going through like trust issues or whatever, I fully recommend you to send it if you want it, if you like. And now we can officially start the episode. The hardest thing ever for me in this healing process that I am going through, it's been my relationship with trust. It's, it's so hard. Like, you know, when I do the podcast, I felt like I can open myself a lot because no one is like staring at me and watching. They're just like listening to my voice, and in a way I feel like I'm safer there. It's kind of a way how trust works for me because, well, now, right, I realized that trust, it's something you build, especially when you come from a background that you've been like betrayed, or when it's been like very dramatic and very traumatic experiences with your relationships or just life overall. Because I've said it before, life is emotionally abusive. So my relationship with Tross was very like bad, just because I think I've talked about my people, my, my people-pleasing syndrome, if I can say in a way. I think I will call it syndrome of people-pleasing. And it was like, I don't know if it's just because I have a lot of trauma, I'm very like daddy and mommy issues when I was a kid that I really need to acknowledge and work really hard in therapy to get over it. But you know, there are those things that like stayed with yourself when you're growing up, especially when you're like relating romantically with a partner, that they're just there and it's very hard for you to acknowledge them and change it. So I think I'm gonna tell a story that connects perfectly and explains perfectly What am I saying, that trust is built? It is not. It shouldn't be granted. I— for me, it was so easy to give my trust easily, you know, even though I have that void of never having like my dad or my mom. But I think I made a mistake in the meaning of trust that I had was just not the right one, just because I think that people that are in your life need to earn that place. Like, it comes with the principle of not doing but just being themselves. Like, when you can be with someone that is completely themselves and it's like showing you who they are and showing you their real intentions, it's so powerful the relationship you can build with trust and with them. So for me, it's been really hard because I was talking with my boyfriend the other day, we were just having this conversation, and I was saying like, bro, You know, it's so hard for me to think about the way I trusted people before, because before this relationship, I don't know if I was dating or I should call it like Americans call it, like a situationship. But I met his parents and we were kind of serious. So whatever, I don't know. I think we were dating. I think let's say we were dating and Of course, like, for some— for people that is like know about like the attachment theories, I was very anxious attached, um, and he was like very avoidant. So for me was like very hard because I've been working without knowing my attachment for years. Like, I've started to work in my codependency and whatever to not get really sickly attached to my partners and not be annoying. And of course that led me to be a people pleaser. And the final result of that is just me giving trust very easily, even if the person proved that they cannot be trusted. This is exactly what happened with that guy that I was dating. Like, I really love him. I think I fall deeply in love with this person, and I was ready to do everything. But the problem there, it was that I didn't have trusting myself at all. So I, even though I have like a long journey, uh, you know, walked, and like a long journey that I've been walking overall, I still had this people pleaser syndrome just because I was afraid that if I was too needy or whatever or too demanding, I will lose him. And he was going through like a very hard process emotionally, so I was like in this you know, is in between the sword and the wall, thinking, what should I do? What should I say? And the, the message that I have is like, you need to trust in yourself first and what's important for you. What are your boundaries? How are you building your boundaries? And then trust in other people, especially when they're like telling you at your face, like, hey, you can Trust me. And it's not about not trusting people. This is not about giving and taking back, because I hate that. I will never give something to someone to have the same back, but at least I would like someone to give me the things I need to feel safe, loved, and appreciated, especially when I come from that background of like people pleasing and, you know, have no— having no self-trust. I do believe the person that it's beside besides you needs to be someone that can hold space for you and create a reality when you can grow with them. And you can, and you can and should do the same in the other way. So for me, was like, this guy proved like so many times that he was not sure about what he wanted, that he wanted me one day, but another day he didn't want me. And anyways, he will break my heart and my, like, my, my nerves and everything thousand times, and I will still trust him again and again and again. It was like, bro, if I could say something to that person, like me a year ago, 2 years ago, will be like, bro, they're just literally proving that they're not worth of your trust. And you— because, you know, people have romanticized this whole thing about you have to let go. And don't get me wrong, like, I am doing my 200-hour yogi teacher training because I want to get certified as yoga. And I love like mindfulness and meditation and, you know, Asian philosophy that tells you how to let go and not have expectations. But you do have expectations when you are in a friendship or in a relationship or in a certain situation in your life. And it's not bad to have expectations, it's just you need to trust yourself enough to know if that's the place you are having or you're getting yourself nurtured some way, like giving, giving, giving and not receiving anything. It will be eventually very, very painful. And not because again, it's not a game of giving and taking back. But bro, just don't be stupid and don't think that trust is something that you should give freely just because you love the person. I love this person, but he broke my heart a couple of times and that was enough for me to know that I cannot trust him. The same happened with friendships. Going back to the conversation I would have with my boyfriend, I was telling him when we started dating that we were not like boyfriend and girlfriend yet. I told him like, you have to understand that for me, trust is something that will come with time. And he was telling me, yeah, but for me it's different because for me it's like, I'll give you all my trust and if you break it, I won't trust you anymore. So it's great because you have two people with different backgrounds, with different type of relationships. He had this very secure and healthy relationship with these persons, and I had very toxic and like, um, not very positive relationships. Not I'm saying this person is bad. This person will always have like a very special like place in my heart, and he was the lesson I needed to know that I needed to work in my self-trust before giving my trust that easily. Like, literally, I open myself like I've never opened myself before with someone. And I do believe we have to be careful with the way we open with certain people. We have to take a little bit of time to really know ourselves, know what we can offer, know our values, know our boundaries, and also communicate them to people that we're starting, like, dating with or hanging out with, like, especially if you don't want to waste time, if you're not in this vibe of like, oh, saying what you want and protect yourself, it's fine, you can just avoid my advice. But I think for people that just want to build a more like a more a healthier relationship with trust, this is something that could have to be together, you know. It doesn't matter what your background is. For you, trust might be built in a way that is totally different the way your partner is building trust. And you need a lot of compassion and acceptance to understand that not every time is going to be the same, not every time is going to be as easy as you want. Or you should actually maybe think about asking yourself, like, why am I having so many trust issues? Because at the end, if you don't fix that and you get into a situation or a relationship or whatever you're not gonna be really present with the person because you're gonna fall into the trap of not trusting them for things they didn't even do to you. Uh, they're just like ghosts from the past relationships that you're bringing in new relationships. So this relationship for me really, really, really taught me the importance of just know what I want, trust myself, like when we had the conversation, you know, this— it was like an on and off relationship. And when he came back from one of his trips, he was like, I'm not ready to be in a relationship. And I, and I was ready to be in a relationship, but I couldn't trust my intuition to say that I was, you know, this is what I feel, this is what I want. If you don't want it, if you're, if you're not sure, I'm okay, I'm totally fine. But that's it. Like, I have this lack of self-trust and a lack of connection with my intuition that will actually protect myself from feeling as hurt as I felt for so many months. Like, even if I am in a relationship right now, I'm still fixing things from that past relationship, not because I want to be with that person, but because it was a lot and I needed to process a lot because it was like the universe biggest slap in the face, like, hey, Valeria Itriago, bitch, just go and build a little bit of self-trust. So I think that was, that was for me the point and the relationship at the moment in my life when I really went inwards, because actually living without trust is a very hurtful way of living, because you're always wondering if people are gonna hurt you, if people is going to take advantage of you, if people want to fuck you over, and you can just not live life thinking that everyone is your enemy is exhausting. Like, the perception you have about reality changes. Like, I went to an exposition in New York. It was a data-driven exposition about the concept of trust. It was dope. They were like putting together, um, data about the past, the present, and the future, and they were explaining how having trust and the lack of trust shaped and changed change 100% the way you connect with reality and when you perceive the world. Imagine living with fear of trusting someone you love all your life. Like, this person will tell me things like, I trust— I, I know I can trust you, but I can't trust you. And I was like, I didn't do anything to break your trust, but at the same time, you're not telling me how to build that trust. So I think it's very important to be really, really, really aware when the other person is just not capable of communicating or just not— it really does not want to communicate. Like there's, there's two faces of the coin always. Like that's what I never think that someone in my life did something wrong intentionally. Like I just never beat myself like everyone that comes to my life and do things to me act with the level of consciousness they had. And that might mean that they have zero conscious— like, they're zero conscious of the way they're hurting me or the way their actions are just like speeding me, you know, they're like just— or the way their actions are, yeah, in a way hurting my process or delaying my process or making me feel like stuck in the relationship. It's going to be hard, but redefining the meaning of trust it's not impossible. And I think I want to share a little bit about all the things I did when I realized that I had a huge lack of self-trust and that I needed to reshape the way I was trusting others to not go through that hurtful experiences, to protect myself a little bit more and just keep growing in this journey that I am. Because you lose time. Like, I think time is so precious, and every time you meet someone new and every time you upset you go on a date with someone, and every time you— whatever, you just like invest in time. And time is money, baby. Time is everything. It's just a way of saying that time is important. I'm not— I don't really like the phrase, uh, time is money, because time is everything. Time is connection. Time is fun. Time is learning. Timing— time is healing. Time is everything. It's the only thing we really have in life. It's gonna be hard, but redefining the meaning of trust is not impossible. And I think I want to share a little bit about all the things I did when I realized that I had a huge lack of self-trust and that I needed to reshape the way I was trusting others to not go through that hurtful experiences, to protect myself a little bit more and just keep growing in this journey that I am because you lose time. Like, I think time is so precious, and every time you meet someone new, and every time you accept to go on a date with someone, and every time you whatever, you just like invest in time. And time is money, baby. Time is everything. It's just a way of saying that time is important. I'm not— I don't really like the phrase, uh, time is money, because time is everything. Time is connection. Time is fun. Time is learning. Time means— time is healing. Time is everything. It's the only thing we really have in life. So I think we should take advantage of that and not take it for granted. Like, every time we build something, we need to be really aware of how and with who are we doing that. So the first thing I want to say is embrace the fuck it mentality. Yeah, what do I mean with this? I wish I could have said fuck it when I wanted and not when I needed. When I was in the, like, the rock bottom of my life, that I was very anxious and depressed and tired of life in a way You know, I knew that I was not living the life I wanted. Like, I was not doing the things I wanted. I was not experimenting with the things I wanted to experiment. I was not connected with the person I wanted to be and the things I wanted to try, just because I was living back in my country, Venezuela, and I was doing something that I studied for. I studied, I got like a college degree for, but I didn't want it. So even in, in my relationships, like, I will wait till I'm like crushed to say, you know what, I can't do it, I can't do this anymore. So I'll say fuck it when I was really exhausted. So if I can give you an advice about self-trust and the perception of trust in general, it's like, say fuck it when you want it. Like, it's okay. It's going to be okay to say goodbye to someone you love. It's going to be okay to change careers, even if you're like in your mid-20s and you thought you have everything figured out. It's okay if you fucking change your whole wardrobe because you want to try new styles. It's okay to learn a new language even if you're not gonna travel, if you're not gonna— and if you're poor and you have to stay here like me, it doesn't matter. Just do it. Say fuck it to things that you know they won't help you to connect and to feel safe. This is— I think this is one of the most important ones of the list I have. And I think you have to ask yourself an honest, who am I? Who am I? What do I like? What do I like to do? What would I rather to do? What would I like to eat? How would I like to dress? What event do I like to go? With what type of communities I would like to connect? Right now. I didn't understand the importance of this till last year that I have the fortune to find the job I am— I have right now and have my own place and whatever, uh, that I will move. I'm trying to move to the city at the end of this year, but now I live like in Connecticut and I have my own place and I spend a lot of time alone like healing the situationship I talked at the beginning of the episode. And it was very hurtful. But in that solace, in that solitude, I really asked myself, who the fuck am I? Because I got really lost in being whatever was that I thought he might like, right? And I was never telling the things I wanted. Like, I was never telling and being strict. Even sometimes I did, but then I will, I will be so weak and I will like let go that, that I did. Like if I'll say blah blah blah and then I will think about it like an hour later and he didn't even say anything, I will be like, I'm sorry. So just go inwards. I know it's scary because the most awkward place to be sometimes is with us, like with ourselves. Like, it's very— sometimes it's very noisy, sometimes it's very— we have a lot of self-critique and self, you know, and self-judgment, and we treat ourselves very harsh when something does not come the way we want it. But we need to know what are our values, like What are my boundaries? What are those standards that are gonna keep me— or gonna make me feel safe so I can grow in this relationship, in this job, in this career, in whatever I wanted to do with my life, in this project, whatever? So solitude is very, very important to rely on yourself, to just be with yourself, and to learn how to rebuild that relationship that you're lacking. That there's nothing bad with not having trust in yourself, with not feel like you have a partner within yourself. Like, you just have to acknowledge that and ask that question. This might sound like something very stupid, but one thing that really helped me was be more like— could be more committed with my lifestyle. Like, like my healthy habits. Like, I will have a schedule that I need to comply. Of course, this does not mean that I want you to become into a gym rat and whatever. This just means, like, you know, have time to do meal prep. If you want to lose weight or if you want to gain muscle, just do meal prep or cook something that you really like and set specific hours in the day to do that. And trust yourself to try new things, like trying new recipes, trying new stuff, or trying a new gym class, or trying a new sport, whatever. But be— being really committed towards yourself, like your body and your well-being, it's an amazing way of reshaping the way you trust in yourself, in your body, in your capacities, in your strength, in your everything. It's just like, it might sound silly, but it helped me a lot. I think we all want intimacy, like, and real connections. And that's why the last thing I will tell you today is that don't run from that lack of trust. Don't run from it. Reshape it and see that there's an opportunity to reconnect with yourself and therefore create real connections with others. Because it's so meaningful, like, when you know that you have certain struggles with trust and you can communicate communicate that with a lot of assertiveness and clarity to others, others can actually understand. At the end, the right people is the one that are going to understand and make an effort for you to feel more comfortable with open up, with trusting. And it's a two-way street. You trust them and they in a way need to trust you, because I think that relationships are based upon respect, honesty, trust, communication. So it's important to do things like, for example, in my case, meditating, journaling, painting, singing helped me a lot because in a way I would express— I'm a very like artsy person, so I do all of this stuff. It can be something totally different for you. It can be like eating an ice cream, whatever, whatever you think it it's going to help you to sit down and feel like you're not running away anymore from that lack of trust. It's going to be game-changing, and it's going to help you to really, really, really create a new path towards building trust with others and with yourself. Because I think so powerful when we can just know what we want and who we are and why maybe we shouldn't give trust as something like easily handed. Let people show you how important is to build trust in a relationship. You don't have to say everything at the beginning of the relationship. I, I did that mistake, like I'd open myself because I thought that if I open myself and I true and I show my truest self people will stay in my life. And that was a big mistake because, again, trust in my case is something that you build every day. It's not granted, and it takes time, it takes commitment, it takes effort, it takes a lot of vulnerability, compassion, and acceptance. So I think that's it. I have all these tips. You can also listen to the podcast episode on Spotify. It's gonna be there. So thank you, thank you for being here. I'm gonna be back with more videos, just trying to do this, trying to be more organic and just talk with whoever that is watching. So thank you, and I'll see you very soon.