What are MY red flags? (what I realized after failing with dating)

Hello everyone and welcome back. Today we're gonna talk about single life again. No, I'm kidding. But this year is happening again, right? We are going into this wholesome Valentine's Day mood and guess what? I am single again. But it's okay cuz it was my decision. I did this this year because I realized I want to identify Which are my, my red flags. And I don't mean like my red flags referring to other person, but my red flags. Am I the red flag? Maybe. So we're gonna talk a little bit about this, this, uh, month. I'm gonna be talking on the podcast about friendships, breaking up with friendships, red flags, uh, understanding unconditional love from a dysfunctional household. But today, this episode, we're gonna talk about red flags specifically, according to my perspective, and why it's so important to acknowledge and identify that maybe we also have red flags and we should be really aware, uh, of that when we're getting into something with someone. So the thing is, and I wanna start with this, I am still healing from my last situationship, which I think by far was one of the most painful and hard separation I've ever had. And it's crazy, you know, because it didn't last that much and we didn't have this relationship. There was nothing to hold on because we were not boyfriend and girlfriend. We were just like kind of hanging out. Maybe we started like more serious, like dating, but it was never a relationship. But in some way, it doesn't matter sometimes how much the relationship lasts. It can actually impact you in so many different ways. And that's why we should be so responsible of everything that is happening at the moment with the person, right? So what I did is I, I tried to minimize the importance of this person by looking for distractions. Yep. But the reality is that if you don't take time to heal, um, whatever happened there, especially if you were so involved with this person emotionally, sexually, romantically, soully, whatever you wanna call it. It's gonna be really hard for you to really move on and be able to open up for someone else. I am not ready there. I am working very hard in myself right now in order to actually be 100% available for the next person and even for myself. So the reason what I, I, I decided that I was going to stay single for a little bit, at least a couple of months or weeks to do, to go into this like, you know, deep healing and lonely process. I am going through right now and because I wanted to raise my standards, right? And show, show myself like someone that can be accountable and have good self-esteem. And I have to work more into building that in order to actually stop projecting things on other people. And I did a lot of work before, don't get me wrong. It's not like I'm broken and I cannot be in a relationship, but I did more healing. Especially after this relationship because it triggered me and it hurt me a lot. And I wanna start saying like the worst part of this relationship, and it's not because it was a bad relationship at all. Um, he said he, it was easier for me to say that he had this many red flags, right? And I, I tried, I did my best and he was the one that did the worst. And maybe that's true in, in a certain way, but We all have red flags, and I don't really like the term red flags because for me, calling someone as a red flag is minimizing their existence as humans. At the end, a red flag is just something that we probably have unhealed from our past, and therefore we should take a little bit more time in order to process that and work with that, right? And the person that is beside us have to be open to hold space for you. But when you don't know how to ask for someone else, I mean, when you don't know how to say, hey, this is the way I need you to hold space for me, it's gonna be really, really hard to understand how the dynamic is actually working. So what I mean with this is I don't really like to classify someone just by putting them a blockader flag. It's just not fair. Everyone, everyone needs to work into something, and at the end it's about us committing to healing and, you know, being conscious about these red flags that we might— because if we're not, what ended up happening is the other person dragged us in their disaster, or we drag people that we actually cared about and love into our disaster. So I think at the end, again, everything that we are complaining about sometimes, and it is, this is very important. And I understood that with the processing of the situation was like, Sometimes what bothers us is not about other people, it's just about us. And it's very painful to, you know, sit down and think about, oh, this is maybe about me, this is not about the other person. And I know it's hard, but it's very necessary. The second thing I wanna talk about today is about the decision of me being single. So this time, single life. Single life was a conscious decision. For the first time in my 27 years, I volunteer to singleness. You can call me Cat Miss Everdeen. No, I'm kidding. The thing is like, I decided to enjoy this journey I am right now, even if sometimes solitude is something that hits very hard. I am not gonna lie. And sometimes I feel very lonely, especially because, you know, I'm a very independent woman. I live by myself. I cook. I do everything by myself. And I am super proud of that. Sometimes it's a little bit, it's a little bit complicated. I'm not gonna lie, but I am enjoying. So this is a journey of self-discovery and introspections, introspections, introspection, because even if it's hard. For me to admit that I was not loving myself enough. I needed to do it, and I also needed to accept the fact that I've, I've been sacrificing who I am and what I like in order to keep people that maybe they're not that ready to be in a relationship with me. What I mean with this is, I think I tried this time, and I've tried before, to open a debate, to put things on table and say, hey, these are my trauma and my things and things I need to work on. And I'm not giving you the responsibility. I know that I have to do this by myself, but I hope that you're willing to work in your stuff too, right? And not everyone is ready to do that, and not everywhere— and not everyone is ready and willing to open themselves vulnerable with other person that they might not be dating for that long. I think, you know, in a way, was that happened to me and the last situation I talked about, but Well, I need to learn how to politely, of course, walk away from the situationships that are not serving me in any way. And especially when the person tells you that they're not willing to work in the relationship. They don't, they just don't care enough. And that's totally fine. But I think that the person you are deciding to spend time, energy, and your love with Should be someone, and I don't wanna put like dos or don'ts, but should be someone that is aligned with your same interest in any, in any way. Now dating is, for me, if I put myself on Hinge or any, it's not about me telling you what my favorite color is, or if I like chocolate ice cream instead of vanilla ice cream, or if I like sushi instead of wine, whatever. It's just, it's about how can I hold, how can I self-regulate? How can I express my feelings when I'm feeling triggered in a way that I am not gonna trigger you, right? Or, uh, hurt you. So, because at the end it's my responsibility to deal with that. I want your support, but how I want you to support me and what I am open and willing to do in order to work towards a better and more healthier relationship. It is, it is very hard, but it's so necessary, especially when you are creating a healthy relationship with someone. And those are a couple of insights that I've been getting. I don't know if it makes sense to you, but it made a lot of sense to me. And the second thing, the third thing I want to talk about today is, again, I like to remind you that we all have red flags. In a way. And it's not about having them, it's not about having, it's about again what do you do with them when we are falling in love first, or when we are just deciding doing this solo journey I am right now, how I'm going to deal with that. You know, I remember this video, I was watching a video the other day, it was from Kaad, a video I'm going to put the info on my other episode video so you can link Like check the link and see how the video is just amazing. And this guy was interviewing this person and he asked him, what are your red flags? Right? And he's like, well, I think the person can be, um, homophobic. It was homophobic, racist, or very prejudicial because I don't like them. And the interviewer ask him again, oh, and what happened if this person is like extremely attractive and they want to go to bed with you? Oh, that's different. And I was like, bitch, it's bullshit. Anyways, I think that, and it's my humble opinion, and, and remember guys, that every time I say something here, it's based off my personal experiences and how deep, deep I've getting into psychology and healing and, you know, I don't want to tell anyone what to do, but again, my humble opinion is that we need, we need to work on red flags every time, constantly, because we have deep shit that we might never be ordered to fully heal or fully process. It can take years. So the person might and might not be ready to deal with that, and it's It's totally fine, but it's, it's so powerful when we can be really vulnerable and conscious about, about that, you know, because it saves us time and it saves the other person time. Again, I mean, I think it's not fair to put all the responsibility on the other side, right? And what I mean with this is there's so many things we can control from our inner reality, but when we are with someone is very important. We can actually know how to go through them and let someone to support us. So vulnerability is so fucking sexy. Like, if I am dating someone that is capable of being vulnerable to me and that doesn't hurt them, it's so powerful because that's, that's real connection and that connection with intention, which is more important, even more important when you are getting into a relationship. So again, trauma bonding is really easy to do, or, or, you know, connecting with someone through trauma bonding is the most common thing we can do, you know, because sometimes we just wanna be with someone and we don't wanna feel lonely and, but we haven't processed all the things that is hurting inside of us. And we just project all that shit to the other person, like, you have to solve my inner pain. And it's like, no bitch, you can't do it. And I don't, I won't get too deep into this, into trauma bonding, because maybe I'm gonna talk about it in another episode. What I mean is, in my case, I've been getting these messages, like key messages in order to evolving. Like if I were a Pokémon, I will be like, you know, evolving all the time. And the other thing I want to talk about today is, and I'm going to expand a little bit more about my experience very shortly, so you can maybe understand with the example what I meant with all this I just said. And in my case, and I'm going to open myself vulnerable today, that's what my podcast and that's what my content partly it's about, you know, and, uh, I have a deep, deep fear of abandonment that comes from an unstable household, right? So I have emotionally unavailable parents that were just not capable of holding space for me, and they never showed me how to regulate my emotions and how to feel my emotions. Like, I was not allowed to feel, I was not allowed to cry. I grew in a household where like, if you cry, you have to go to your room and start crying because you're a pussy. Right? And that's very Latin. That's very, that comes very attached to the Hispanic, uh, culture, in my case at least. So you have to be this strong woman, not cry, independent, having strict standards all the time. So what, what ended up happening is like, you know, not being able to express my feeling with my dad or my mom that were my key caregivers in a way made me create this anxious attachment and sometimes avoiding attachments toward people that appear in my life. My family left my country in 2027. I think I talked about it in the other episode. And I, I was, I've been by myself and I, I, I ignored that wound of abandonment and I said, no, I don't feel that anymore. I've been doing therapy for years, so I don't, I don't have this anymore. And at the end, it's just like, you have it and it's very present. Uh, it is very present in my life. It happened to me that every time, for me, it was about power. It's about controlling people because if I control them and if I manipulate them in a way, manipulate them in a way, and this, this was me being unconsciously toxic. I don't want you to think that I am this malicious, toxic person, because I am not. We all be unintentionally toxic, and maybe we're gonna do an episode about this. Let me know if you want and just write in the comments if you would like an episode about how can I be unintentionally toxic. But going back to the point, I was so ashamed saying that I have fear of abandonment. And because I don't wanna be too needy, right? I didn't wanna be too needy. I didn't wanna be too annoying. I didn't wanna be too codependent. And so I was pretending all the time and I was pretending, pretending, pretending. And it was actually exa— very, very, very exhausting. And it came a moment when I, I couldn't pretend anymore and I have to say it, I crave intimacy. I crave deep connections. I cannot do the hookup culture because I feel really, really triggered. And it's hard, you know, because when you come to a new country, you just listen to people say, no, use Hinge, it's more serious. Or use Tinder if you don't wanna get serious, or use Bumble. And it's like, and it's not easy for me because I am planning to move to the city eventually. Not now, I don't have the money enough to do it. I live out of the city, the New York City, but New York City has been my dreams, is always. And I think for me, it's easy just to go and talk to a guy. Literally, I, I don't know how I am so brave when this happen, but I just, if I like someone, I go straight and I have it. But with this guy was actually really different because it was not about controlling or manipulating. I, for the first time, was very vulnerable about things. Maybe not that much. Maybe I could have been much, but I didn't feel I was safe enough. And we didn't have that much time to actually— I opened up a lot, but you know, I, there's some things that I wouldn't admit to because I think they were going to be too much. And I think if they get the right person, it's just gonna stay and gonna try to work in their stuff and your stuff. What I mean with this is this person, even if You know, if I work a lot in myself and I've been years in therapy, analytic therapy, and I've been doing, you know, therapy and whatever, it's just like, this triggered me so much because he was all the time on and off. So we were in the anxious avoidance cycle and I was so triggered. Like, I've worked so hard in myself, but in a way I felt so unsafe because I was really conscious and I was the one that for the first time knew that the connection was very deep in so many ways. We could talk about anything. We can have the best sex in the world. We can just, you know, chill, and it will be— it was going to be amazing. But this person was going through a very hard process emotionally, and I think like mentally, as I, as I was, uh, I just didn't admit it. And we didn't have— I think I was the— I was conscious, and when I say I was conscious is because I said And I take into the table that that was my red flag. My red flag was being a people pleaser, right? It was staying in a place that was just making me feel so nervous and anxious. And then I felt so needy when I didn't want to. I didn't want to feel needy because I do believe when your needs are being met in a relationship, you shouldn't feel needy. Uh, I mean, you can feel a little bit needy. In a healthy way, right? It's just like, oh, I really wanna see you, I really wanna spend time with you, can you stay a little bit more? All those things, right? That are just like, like cute, not toxic. But I wanted to feel like I was chosen, that it was not something that I was gonna flew away because that was going to trigger all my fear of abandonment and I never had that scenario when I felt safe, that I felt that it was worth it. And anyways, I, I'll be keep giving and giving and giving, and that's my red flag. So I identified that red flag. And also oversharing, overshare, oversharing, Valeria Itriago. It's like, don't share that much, even if the person ask you everything. Like, there's some questions that you that should be answered once you've built trust from both sides, right? So you give, I give, and we're just like balanced in a way. Um, there's no right or wrong way of doing this, but I think this is important. And now I know what I am capable of in a relationship, and I won't lower my standards for someone that is just not there. I know I can be an amazing girlfriend and an amazing partner. I just need to be held. I just need someone to hold space for me to, you know, in a way that is not just giving me flowers or chocolates or gifts. I don't get, I don't care about that shit. I'm working towards my financial freedom, so I don't want to depend economically on my partner at all. Um, but I understand that sometimes life can, you know, put you up and down and that's totally fine. And I wanna close this episode saying that it's not fair projecting your insecurities in a new relationship because it's your job to deal with that before you get into a relationship. And it's very important to be very clear of what you were looking for since the beginning. I know that it'll take time to develop trust, but at the end, I think that when you know you wanna be with someone in a serious relationship, You know, so don't say, oh, it's okay. I don't want, I am okay with not having a relationship because you're not. And that's what happened to me. I hurt myself by staying in a situationship that was just not giving me the only thing I wanted that was like, I wanna, I wanted to feel chosen and heal with a person and work really hard in the relationship, right? Prove that I was worthy of his love and vice versa. But it was just not the right person, I guess. Or not the right moment, whatever you wanna call it. If you're watching this and if you're heartbroken and you're going into some Valentine's Days thinking how miserable you are because you don't have a partner, stop. Stop. Be grateful that you have the opportunity and a life to work in yourself, to raise your standards, to build a healthy relationship with yourself in order to work in those red flags that are just yours and they're they have nothing to do with the other person. And I assure you, and I hope so, that that works for you. And if you have a healthy relationship, maybe you can send this video to one of your friends that is heartbroken, is trying to let go something that was just not meant to keep happening in their life. Thank you. I'll see you soon. I hope you can subscribe, like my videos, and tell me what do you feel, if you feel identified with this video. I would love you to share a little bit more. I'll see you very soon.