Confession: I Don’t Know What I’m Doing With My Life (marriage, babies, & business)

What's up, you guys? Welcome back to the podcast. Today I want to open up a conversation about what it looks like to be a woman in your 30s who's trying to plan for the near future or potentially even the rest of your life, because I think it's a quite common feeling that you get in your late 20s, early 30s potentially, or maybe it's different for, for other people. But you reach a certain point where you're like, you kind of look around and you're like, hang on, am I supposed to know what's coming next? Because I think at this point I should probably have a plan. And if you don't have a plan or you have a loose plan or you're terrified that your plan isn't come to— gonna come to fruition, it can create some little bits of anxiety. You know, I think there's certain things that we tend to worry about in our early 30s, especially just in terms of like where we're meant to settle down. Like, where am I going to live forever? If I want to start a family, when is that going to happen? How is that going to go for me? What will that look like? How do I want to do my kids' schooling? Where do we want to live? Like, what is my business going to look like 5 to 10 years from now, especially with motherhood in the mix? Is it okay for me to not have a plan, or should I have a really exact plan for myself to give myself some sort of structure? So I'm going to go over like all of these questions and just kind of bring you into the fold of like how I'm thinking about these things, because I think that it's probably quite a common occurrence for us to look around at other people's lives and assume like everyone else has their shit figured out. But do they really? That's the question that we're going to unpack today as I share with you my non-existent, uh, 5-year plan. And I'm going to tell you all the ways in which I have no fucking idea what's going on with my life. If you're down for the ride, uh, hang out for this episode and let's dive in.

Welcome to the Makeshift Happen podcast. I'm your host, Samantha Daly, entrepreneur, life coach, and your no BS bestie, here to bring you all things mindset, manifestation, and personal This podcast is designed to help you expand your mind and uplevel your life. So turn the volume up and roll the windows down if you're coming along for the ride.

Let's go make shift happen. Let's start with the question about where to live, because I've noticed this happening a lot more recently. People are— people in my life are asking me like how I'm liking Florida and if I think that we're going to stay here forever. And having this question come up several times, it always makes me think, because I genuinely do not have an answer to this question. I'm loving it in Florida so far, but do I think we'll stay here forever? I don't know. And also, I'm a Sagittarius, so am I just like non-committal in that sense where I want to be able to spread my wings and travel and go places. But I think a larger part of that conversation is the fact that I'm in like a multicultural partnership, right? Like, my fiancé is Spanish. We've lived in Spain together. Now we live in the US together. But like, those things could always change, and we'll talk about that and a lot of like how that influences a lot of our decisions, or lack thereof, in terms of our plans and not knowing what the hell we're doing with the rest of our lives. But we do own our current house in Florida. So we live in a condo, it's like an apartment, but we own our unit. So where we live right now is quite permanent in that sense that we are owners, not renters. But do I think that we're going to stay here forever? I don't know, because the condo situation for me is just not really suitable for babies, I don't think. Or at least the condo that— like, I think you can definitely raise kids in an apartment. Like, Jaime was raised in an apartment because he grew up in a major city in Europe, and that's how a lot of people live over there, right? Like, it's less common, way less common in big European cities for people to have houses. That's like, you know, just mega rich people, I guess, have houses. Like, everyone else lives in apartments, and they'll be really nice apartments, penthouses. Like, there's ways to live nicely in apartments, but it's much more common. Um, And yeah, people do it all over the world. People do it in big cities in the US— Chicago, New York, whatever. So I do think it's possible. But what I mean by that is like, this specific condo that we live in is a corner unit, which means that both— it's a 2-bedroom, so both of the bedrooms have 2 full walls of floor-to-ceiling windows, which I wanted that. Like, I— on my vision board, in my visualizations of like my dream home, I was like, I want there to be so much natural light. I want all the walls to basically just be like glass and be windows and have views of blue skies and palm trees and water. And like, we can see the Intracoastal from here, and there are palm trees and blue skies and tons of sunlight, and it's, it's beautiful. It's been amazing for my creative energy and just loving where I live and feeling alive. And the brightness and light is just amazing for what it does for my energy and my mood. I love it. I chose it. However, when I think about, one, the fact that it's only 2 bedrooms. To me, I'm like, that is just not enough to start raising a family because of the fact that I work from home, so I need an office. And also Jaime works from home 2 to 3 days a week. So right now he has like a little desk shoved in the corner of our master bedroom. I'm in the spare bedroom, which is where I have my office and kind of like my desk setup, but it doubles as a spare room for when our friends or family come to visit. And then it's also where I work and record the podcast. And so yeah, I just have dreams of like having a literal like full office space that's not doubling as a spare bedroom where I can decorate it how I want and we can do the podcast branding. We can almost like build a set and do all these things. So I'd love to have an extra room for that. But this room in general, if it— if we were to like have a baby here and this is where the baby had to have its nursery, like the floor-to-ceiling windows is just it's not giving nap time, do you know what I'm saying? Like, it's real. And we have these, like, they were very expensive, these blackout, supposedly blackout shades, but like there's still like cracks between the different panels because there's so many windows on all the walls. So the light situation is tough. And it's really like, with these, the way that they're hung— sorry, I'm like, if you're on watching on video, I'm literally looking at them right now, like staring at the ceiling. But the way that they're hung, it's like you can't really also hang curtains. It's just, it's weird. The setup is weird. It would be hard to control like the light and make sure that it was— could be a darkened room for daytime naps or even just like early bedtimes. The sun sets literally right here in front of the camera, like where I'm looking right now, and it's gorgeous when the sun sets here. All this like beautiful golden pink like sunlight, you know, pours into the room. But like not ideal when your child needs to go to bed and the sun sets at like 8 PM. And like they're, you know, trying to go to bed at like 7 or whatever time kids go to bed. I don't know anything about kids. I'm just assuming this is going to be an issue. Okay, um, aside from the fact that I literally wouldn't have a guest room or an office, there would be a light issue for my child trying to sleep. The other issue with having like the two walls of floor-to-ceiling windows is like there's no— it's really hard to like— well, one, you can't hang anything. You only have one wall. The only wall in this entire room is the one that you see behind me that the bed is against. Because the other wall is a closet. Like, the whole wall is the closet doors, and the other two walls are windows. They're not walls at all. And because it's like this floor-to-ceiling window setup, like, I guess you could push furniture up against these windows, but it just— it also looks weird from the outside when there's furniture up against it. And then because of the light, like, whatever furniture you put there will fade if it's colored over some time because of the sunlight hitting it. And you obviously can't hang like shelves shelves, or there are no decorations because it's windows. So I don't know, I feel like the current setup is not, um, it's just not very baby-friendly, I will say. And I love, I love Florida. I love the warm weather. I love the palm trees. Like, whenever we go on a trip or we leave and we come back, I literally cry tears, actual lágrimas, falling from my eyes because of how much I'm like, I just love it here. Because I land back, like if we've been in Spain or if we've been at home visiting my parents or like wherever else, or I've been on a work trip, I come back and I just— the sky is blue and there's palm trees and I'm rolling my windows down and I'm driving my car and I'm playing my music and it's warm outside and I never have to wear a coat. And I'm just like, I love it here. I love it. I can walk out my front door, cross the street, and I'm at the beach. I'm walking in the sand, like ocean waves. Like, I don't know, there's just— it is— there is something so beautiful about it. And I'm so grateful for this time period in our lives where we were able to do this. And I think maybe it is going to be one of those special chapters where it's like, you know, choosing to do something in a time because you know that you might not ever get the opportunity again. That's how I felt when I decided to decline my corporate job offers and move to Spain for a guy that I met on a dating app, I was like, listen, there's never gonna be a better time for me to do this than right fucking now. Because when the hell else am I gonna do that? When is it gonna make sense? I'm 22 years old, I am not committed to a job, I don't even own a car. Like, I don't have a lease or a dog, or I don't have fucking anything. So like, I might as well go now, because if I don't do it now, I might never be able to do this. And so I was really grateful for my past self making that decision, because obviously that was a cascade of so many different things that led to, you know, different pieces of like my destiny and my future and where we are today. But I feel similarly about us choosing to live in Florida, to live on the beach, to buy this condo. It was kind of one of those things where it's like, we are young, we still don't have kids, like we can choose to live wherever we want, we can pay the higher HOA payments, like we can do it for now, but who knows if it will be forever. So I love Florida. I don't know that it is a place where I necessarily want to. I just think condo living makes more sense here. Like, I'm, I'm kind of like nervous about the idea of living in like an actual house. Like, single-family homes, um, they flood a lot whenever there's like rain. Like, that doesn't even have to be like a big storm, it's just like it rains and it's fucking flooded outside. So that's a thing. Um, hurricanes— I feel so much safer in taller buildings during hurricanes that are regularly, like, have these intense safety inspections, and, you know, they're structurally updated every X amount of years. Like, we had to pay $40,000, like, when we bought our house, just because that was the year that there was an inspection due. And it's like, well, if you're a buyer in that year, then you have to pay that. Like, all the owners have to pay that. So, like, we definitely we definitely put resources towards ensuring our safety, but like the insurance costs in Florida are so insane. And at least when you're in a high-rise building, like I own the unit but I'm not responsible for this whole building, so God forbid if something were to happen, I feel like I would, you know, be a little bit more safeguarded in that aspect. Also not being on the ground floor and just knowing that like my unit is not really likely going to flood. It's always possible to get water damage if the winds are crazy and there's like a lot of, you know, rain or something maybe coming in through the terrace doors or the windows. Like, they're— like, accidents can always happen. But I do feel like it's kind of safer living in a tall, sturdy building in Florida if a hurricane were to come, because they do come pretty much every year, rather than living in a house on the ground where you also have to pay crazy insurance, especially if you want to live anywhere near the beach, anywhere near the water. It just gets more and more insane, and the prices are just wild. But the other thing about like living in a house here is like any— like all the houses in our area, even if they are like old, they are one-story, they are not updated, they're not renovated, they're not that nice, they're still millions of dollars because of the location and the proximity to the beach, essentially. So it's like, what are you going to be able to really get? Like, for— is the quality of like the home and like the lifestyle that you want to live worth what it's going to cost in this area? And I'm not convinced that I am going to want to spend millions of dollars on a house in Florida. So those are my reasons why I don't know if we would stay here forever. Um, I think I can pretty much guarantee that we won't be anywhere forever because Jaime and I both really like to travel. We like change, we like to mix things up. And again, like, we are a multicultural couple. Like, there's always going to be probably different seasons of our life where we're wanting to live closer to his family, closer to my family. Like, there's just always going to be a lot of changes. So anyway, where to live? No clue. The other part of this is like when we decide to start a family, would I want to give birth in the U.S. or would I want to give birth in Spain? And that's a big question because I do think that I would enjoy the experience of giving birth in the U.S. because of having like doctors and midwives and doulas and people that I feel like get, um, my culture. They obviously speak my language fluently. Like, I feel like I could create a relationship with those people before it was time for me to go into labor Um, so yeah, it might be like a challenging experience for me even though I do speak Spanish. It's just like when you're already in a state of like stress and overwhelm because you're giving birth to a fucking baby, like, do I really want to have to be like translating in my mind? And also if there's like things that are happening that are urgent or emergency adjacent and people are speaking quickly, or like they're telling my husband that something needs to happen and I didn't quite catch it because it's— I don't know, like, I have anxieties about like giving birth in a country that's not like my native language, even though I do think that I would be so safe and, and well taken care of. And of course there's doctors in Spain that speak English. It's just one of the things that kind of like comes up for me. And my mom is a labor and delivery nurse. She's retired now, but she's worked in labor and delivery her whole life. She's worked in the NICUs. She is a lactation specialist, like, she is the baby lady. So my mom is going to be a big part of my birth plan whenever that comes to be, and obviously being in the U.S. would make that a lot easier. Um, however, giving birth in the U.S. is, in my mind, more dangerous and also more expensive than giving birth in Spain. I think that the level of care that they have for patients in Spain and just like European healthcare in general is different, and it's also so much more affordable in Spain. So it's not to say that it would be 100% free, but it would be nearly free. I do think that I would pay for private health insurance even being in Spain and then having a public system. But with that being said, it's like that amount is minuscule compared to what a potential U.S. birth could cost. Like, I watch videos on TikTok sometimes of people going over their hospital bills from giving birth, and it's like $30 grand, $40 grand, $60 grand, $100 grand. I mean, God forbid something goes wrong, now you're in the multi-six figures. Like, that's absolutely insane. That's crazy. And I just feel like that's a stress that, like, mothers shouldn't have to have going into that. And I have so much compassion for people that have been through that. Like, that's fucking crazy. And it's an issue. Like, it's an issue in our system for sure. And I know that this is— I sitting in a place of privilege because of the fact that I would even be able to choose and like have an option, you know, to give birth in another country, um, where I have residency and where I'm able to do so because I have family that live there and because I at that point would be married to someone who is a citizen of that country and, and all those things. So, but that's just kind of another toss-up in my mind is like, where would we give birth? I think I lean more towards giving birth in Spain, but then it's— the question is like, okay, but if I gave birth in Spain, would I then want to come back to the States? And how would that work, like, with Jaime's job and stuff? Because I'm not just gonna like get on a plane a month before I'm supposed to have a baby. I might not even be cleared to fly at that point, so I have to be there for a certain amount of time beforehand. I would obviously have to be there for a certain amount of time afterwards because I need my like follow-up postpartum care, which by the way, postpartum care is so much better in Spain, there's a lot more attention to the mother and the baby, um, and there's just more— I feel like people, at least what I've heard from moms in the U.S., is that they feel like there's really virtually— like, the postpartum care is virtually non-existent. So that would definitely be better, but like, I would have to stay there for a couple of months. I'm not going to travel, you know, across the ocean when I'm very, very early postpartum. So then it's like, okay, but like Jaime right now has a job in America, so how long would he be able to take off? Like, there's just so many questions that get raised, and that's why we never come to a conclusion. And then it's like, okay, so let's say I gave birth in Spain but we weren't fully ready to like move there and live there permanently, so I wanted to come back to the US. I'd have to figure out that time frame of like, how long are we going to be in Spain for, um, and then when do we come back? And like, what do we do with our house in the meantime? And where are we living if I give birth in Spain? Like, I don't necessarily want to live with my in-laws. I love them, but I don't think that's like a solid plan for when you're in your most fragile state, about to give birth, and then being early postpartum. I think I'm gonna want my own space. Um, and yeah, like, what is my partner going to be doing about his job? When do we come back? What do we come back to? What does that look like in terms of jobs, work, etc.? And, and then like, okay, so maybe I— maybe we do want to stay in Spain then, because maybe we want our kids to go to school in Spain. Because I have such mixed feelings about this too, having, you know, been someone who worked in the education system in Spain because I was an English teaching assistant. So obviously I wasn't anyone like high up or important, but like I worked in schools for years there, and I worked in many different grades, many different classrooms with many different teachers. Like, I saw a lot, I think, um and I didn't like what I saw. I mean, the education system there is so antiquated, it's so bad. Uh, the punishments and things that they use for kids are literally from like the ages of like when Spain was in a dictatorship. Like, it's just— it's bizarre. It's fucking bizarre. They don't do a lot to like help the kids succeed. Like, the way that they teach them to study is— especially when they get older, not so much in like elementary school, but like older, um, at least from, you know, what Jaime and other Spanish people have told me, is like they don't get any— it's like the teachers almost find joy in making it difficult for them to pass the tests. And it's much more normalized for people to actually fail grades in Spain and have to repeat. Like, the amount of people that have repeated a grade is crazy. Like, it's super common. They'll just be like, oh yeah, you failed everything, like repeat. And where I feel like in America is like maybe we coddle students a little bit more, whether that's good or bad. But I do feel like our system is designed and set up more to be like, this— here's this study packet, like here's what you need to know for the test, like let's do a practice test. Like we're really trying to like prepare people to succeed. And of course sometimes there's kids that still don't because they have challenges or they don't put in effort or whatever the case is. But when I was in school, I felt like it was really fucking rare for someone to be repeating a grade. But like, Jaime has friends that like repeated a grade like 3 times, and like, I know multiple, and they're not, they're not dumb people. It's like, it's so bizarre. It's really weird. So I don't love the education system in Spain, um, but obviously in the US we have the challenge of worrying if your child's going to get murdered when they go to school, which is arguably a bigger red flag, a much bigger issue than what is, you know, the quality of the education. Is, is my child going to survive going to school for 12 years. Like, that's a super heavy topic and issue, and that's been brought more into the light recently with the amount of gun violence that we have in this country. And it is deeply concerning. Like, I feel for the mothers who send their kids off to school every day and just hope and pray and, and trust and believe that, like, it won't happen to my kid or my kid's school. But like damn, that's like a really hard thing. And so I think the more and more that I sit with that, and like the closer I get to the time period in my life where I do want to start a family, I'm just having to think more critically about what I want for my children. And yeah, I think it would be safer and more like financially easier to live in Spain, 100%. But am I emotionally prepared to be an ocean away from my friends and my family again? Like, I I already did that. I lived there for 6 years, for over 6 years. Okay.

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I would love to be closer to my parents and my siblings, um, but even now, like, where we are in the US, we live in Florida, um, and my family doesn't live close. Like, it's an 11-12 hour drive to get to my parents, and it's a flight to get to my brother and sister-in-law and my nieces and nephews because, like, I'm not driving for 22 hours. So we still live far, but we live closer. And I do think that I see them more often given that, you know, the time that we've been in the US, we've definitely seen them more times per year being here than when we weren't. But it's also not like we're next-door neighbors and we get to do Sunday dinners every night. And I would love to have that, but I also know realistically, like, I don't want to live where they live. I know for myself, like, I wouldn't be happy or excited or motivated or fulfilled in those places. Those just aren't my places. It's not where I'm being called to. And I really think that places hold energy. For anyone who's interested in astrocartography, or you've ever done it, I really don't know a lot about it, but like, I find it fascinating. And the other day, like, I had a girls' dinner and we were all pulling up our charts and kind of talking about our astrocartography and like where, you know, astrologically our souls, the blueprint for our souls, essentially have certain markers on the global map of like where our energy is most alive, or where like all the different placements of your astrology kind of like have places on the map. And so that's a really interesting thing to kind of look into. And I totally buy it, like I believe it. But more so than like living by your astro cartography, I think it's like living by your intuition of like your inner knowing, of like trusting yourself, like asking yourself and just being aware of like, what is the kind of environment that I feel most alive in? You felt it, you know it. Like people who live in places where they're like, I'm not meant to be here, That's a knowing. I remember feeling that so strongly, so deeply as a kid. Like, my parents will vouch for this. I always was like, why would anyone choose to live here? Why am I here? It is so cold, it's gray, it's dark, it's depressing. I hate it here. I hate it here. That is how I felt about where I grew up. Not because I hated the people, like, I still had a great time. I did really well in school. I had amazing fucking friends. I had so much fun. But like, there was a part of me that was just like, I would never choose this. This as my existence. I would never choose this as my permanent reality. And I could not wait to travel and to get out and to like leave. And I just felt that so intensely. And I think that those feelings don't lie. So, but there's a lot of people that like, they just get used to where, you know, they were plopped down on Earth and they're scared to branch out or to leave or to start over or to rebuild their career. But I think that your your daily energy dictates your happiness, your joy, your fulfillment, and that is infectious for better or for worse. And so if you are living somewhere that is infecting your energy for worse, that is going to bleed out into your family, into your children. Like, I don't think that you can compartmentalize those things. And so there's— I don't think there's ever going to be a perfect place for all of us to exist. There's always going to be pros and cons and like sacrifices to the choices that we're making in our life. And sometimes like, that's a hard— it's a hard choice, but you have to trust yourself on like what you know. What is the environment where you feel most alive? Is it city? Is it beach? Is it country? Is it forest? Is it, you know, in the mountains? Is it in the jungle? Is it being really close to your family, like you want to be next-door neighbors with them and that works for you because they live in a place that feels alive for you? Or is it— are you someone who's like, I need space from my family and I actually feel more loving and close with them when I have the spaciousness to not be all up in their grill all the time. Like, everyone's situation is going to be different, but can we trust ourselves, uh, to know what we're feeling drawn towards and what we actually need and honor what we're needing in that way? So I think a challenge for me is like, I definitely— like, I— if I could be right next to my family, I would, but I don't want to live where they live, and I'm not willing to sacrifice my mental health and my well-being and my fulfillment and my daily happiness for that, because I know that that would be a worse outcome for, for me, for my work, for everyone around me, and for my future children. So that's where I stand with that. I definitely feel more socially fulfilled in the U.S., but Jaime has the opposite experience, right? I mean, that, that's natural, but I think there's a challenge with us where it's like it kind of feels like one of us is always getting the short end of the stick. And I don't know if other international couples goals have dealt with this or you can relate. Um, but yeah, it's like, it's really hard to like live in a country that's not your own and to always be translating and working hard to speak another language and to not have the instant— it's, it's weird if you've never done it, but it's like, there is the culture, is definitely real, and it's a real experience of how you just naturally connect with people that understand your culture. I can't explain it, and I don't think if I hadn't lived in different countries and different parts of the world that I would be able to understand it the way that I do now. But there is a natural attraction and camaraderie and unspoken understanding between people that come from the same culture, and there is a natural disconnection when people are not from the same culture. And it's not to say that you can't make friends with those people and you can't connect with them. I'm fucking marrying one of them, so obviously I know that it's possible, but I found it really challenging to make deep, soulful friendships in Spain for a lot of reasons. One of them being that I probably could have tried harder to like insert myself in groups and go out of my way to make friends. Absolutely. Like, we always have to look at our part in, in the realities that we're creating. Um, at the time, like, I was working in schools And the schools that I worked in, there were— at least for the first year and a half, there were no other English assistants in the school that I worked in. I was the only one. I was the one. So like, other people were making friends with the other English assistants that worked in their schools, but I was alone. So, and also the school that I got assigned to was like 45 minutes outside of the center of Madrid, so I had to take a train every day to work. And the only people that I guess I could have made friends with were the professors there the teachers, but I was my early 20s at the time. They're all in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and they live in a town that's like almost an hour away from, from where I actually live. And so yeah, I just wasn't becoming like besties with the teachers there. So that was like a weird initial experience. And then I, I worked in other schools, and I also worked in private academies where there are a lot more young people and expats, and I definitely made friends with, with those types of people. But it was also like, there was a lot of people that are just transient when you're living abroad. Um, I was there in a different situation than a lot of people. I was in a very serious, committed relationship. I had my residency in Spain. I was allowed to work because of what I was able to get through my partnership with Jaime. And other people are there as an au pair. They are there to get their master's degree. They are there temporarily on a student visa. For the teaching program, but those things expire and you have to renew. And so there was just a lot of people like leaving all the time. I would make friends with different people, especially expats, because again there's more of that like connection of coming from the same culture, whether they were American or like similar cultures like, you know, Brits or whatever, other English speakers. And but then people would leave, like they— their, their life moved on, like they weren't there to grow roots in Spain the same way that I was. And so I found that really challenging. Um, and everyone was always nice to me, like all of Jaime's friends, girlfriends, or, you know, his friends that were girls, like they're all very nice, but it just always felt like I was— like they were nice to me because I was his girlfriend, but it wasn't like we were becoming besties on the side, or like I wasn't like texting them, us, just us two in a chat, and I wasn't like hanging out like I would hang out with them when we were in groups, but like they weren't— they didn't feel like they were my friends, if that makes sense. Felt like they were my friends by proxy, but like they weren't my friends. Um, yeah, and I think like that's— it's culture, it's language, it's just a lot of things. And then when I wasn't working in the schools, I was working from home and I was working my fucking ass off building a business, and I didn't have time to be like, let me go out in the park and see if I can find people to make friends with. Like, I was just head down building a business, and, and I'm so glad that I did that and that was okay. But so my experience there was like very socially dry. Um, I just felt, yeah, like I did— I was— I didn't have friends. Like, my only friends were people that I was friends with online. And so something I've loved about the last 3 years of living in the US is like I've made more friends that actually live near me. One, so I can like hang out with people more often. Two, my friend— my friendships that I've maintained from my online friends that I met while I was still living in Spain, like, I see them more because we'll meet up at like events or we'll go on trips or we'll do visits. And so I do feel more socially fulfilled. I've been able to go to a bunch of my friends' weddings that have gotten married while I've been here. Um, I went to a like little reunion, like meetup for one of my friends' engagement parties. All of our college friends met up from like— we're all dispersed in different parts of the country. And like, that was so nice. Like, so I do feel like there's much more there's much more fulfillment on the social front for me here, and especially just being able to see my family more often, and even just being on the same time zone as people, being able to FaceTime and call. Like, those little things really do add up. And so I feel so much better here. I feel like amazing. But Jaime's had the complete opposite experience. He was and is a social butterfly. He's a Gemini through and through. And he could talk to anybody, and he's everyone's friend. And I've never met someone in my life that has more friendships than this man, and he maintains those friendships and works really hard to maintain them. Like, I admire that so much in him. He reaches out to people, he sends his friends voice notes, like, he stays in touch. We've been living here for 3 years and he's still very close and connected to all of his friends from all the different areas of his life, all the different seasons, from this school or this university or that place, or this sports team, or like, he has friends from so many different groups and he like maintains all those friendships. I think it's amazing. Um, so it's been tough to like watch him here like have the experience of like literally not having friends. Um, it's really hard. And I think he's had the same experience that I had, which is like cultural differences, language barrier, busy trying to restart his whole career, like working from home half the time. Um, not having the same sports. Like, he loves to play padel. That's not really a sport that exists here. Like, he can drive down to Miami for it, but it's, it's not like close by. So he doesn't have padel. Like, soccer teams here, like adult soccer teams here, are just weird compared to like what they are in Spain. Um, it's just not the same. So he hasn't found those connections or like deeper, you know, something more than surface level friendships. And he also hasn't found those like sports teams where he has that like intense like camaraderie of like feeling like those are real true friendships and teammates. And that was a lot of his— a lot of his fulfillment came from that, of like being super active, being on multiple sports teams, like having lots of different groups of friends, always having people to hang out with. Like the man always had plans, and now his plans are like hanging out with me. And we've gotten like over the years, of all the things that we've been through as a couple, like we've gotten so close. Like, when we were living in Spain and we went through COVID together and it was pandemic times, like, for people that didn't live through the pandemic in Europe, like, it was a crazy time. If you think it was crazy in other places, like, they literally were like, you are not allowed to leave your house, point blank period, for like 4 months. Like, you were not allowed to leave. You were only allowed to leave once a week to go to the grocery store, and that's it. You weren't allowed to walk. Outside. Like, you were not allowed to. It was fucking crazy. So we got close to that. We have been through a lot together, um, and we're used to this idea of like making sacrifices for one another. But it does feel somewhat like sad and like disappointing. Like, I just— I'm like, oh, I'm jealous of people that don't have that. Like, I'm jealous of couples that don't have to constantly sacrifice, because we do and we always will. Because when I'm close to my family, that means he's far from his. And when we're close to his family, that means I'm far from mine. And when he's socially fulfilled and has everything that he needs in terms of friend groups and sports and meetups and whatever, that means that I'm far from my work opportunities and events and in-person friendships. And it just kind of fucking sucks. So I think that plays a role into us not knowing what this plan is either and what is happening in the next 5 years. Honorable mention for the fact that I hate winter and cold and snow and rain. So now having lived in Florida for 3 years and having eternal summer, I don't know if I can go back. I think like Jaime and I talk about the fact that we do miss like the change of seasons, but I also think that that's— we miss like the romanticization of that, you know, of like, oh, fall is coming, pumpkin spice, let's put on a sweatshirt, like wear, wear a hoodie outside. But it's like when you actually live in a place that has all 4 seasons, that lasts for like 2 weeks, and then it is fucking over, and it is dark, and it is gray, and it is cold as fuck, and it's winter. And it's like, you know, the snow for me is like, I'm cool, I'm good, let's visit it for a week, let's go skiing, let's get, you know, a hot cocoa, let's just like romanticize it by visiting it, um, and not living in it. Do you know what I mean? Like, I think in our minds we're like, oh, it would be so nice to have change of seasons again. But once you're actually in the reality of it and it's like raining for 3 months straight, you're like, I think maybe not. I think I actually do quite miss the warm weather and the blue skies and the palm trees and just being able to walk out of my house in flip-flops and a t-shirt every day. So I think if we move back to Spain someday, like the— I, I think— also, I'll clarify that that is an inevitable piece of our future. We will eventually move back to Spain someday. I just don't know when that's going to be. But it's like, where would we go? Would we be in Madrid again? Because I love Madrid. Madrid is one of my favorite cities. It's like I fucking love it. I think it's magical. It's a place where I fell in love, I changed my life. Like, so I love it so much. I love the people, I love the buildings, I love the energy. I love Madrid. But I also love living by the sea, and I love the warmth, and I don't want rain, and I don't want gloom, and I don't want winter. And like, the winters are mild in Madrid, I will say. There's like barely ever any snow. But I just don't know if I can return to that level of cold and just, yeah, deep seasonal changes. I also know that I don't want to live in the neighborhood where Jaime grew up, and, um, I'm only saying that here because we've had this conversation. Like, he knows that, that's not a surprise to him, but no shade, no tea. Like, he grew up in an actually very nice affluent neighborhood in Madrid, but like I don't— it's a little too far from like the city center for me. And I think as an expat, like going back to Madrid, I don't like living where I feel trapped of like I have to get on a 30 to 40, potentially 60-minute, um, metro ride in order to be in the center of the city where I can walk around and go to shops and be in like the liveliness of the city. I will not be able to drive a car if we go back to Madrid because, because I, I'm terrified to take the driving test in Spain. Everyone talks about how it's so hard. Like, a lot of Jaime's friends who are capable, smart men, uh, they failed the driving test multiple times. They're like, no, it's fucking hard. Like, they try to— like, they, they try intentionally to get you to fail it. Because I don't know if— like, some of you who live in Europe will know this, but like, European cities have a lot more rules around like how many cars can be on the road. And like, if you live in this certain area, can you drive into the city center? Because, you know, because they're trying to control for pollution, because they, they historically have like really high pollution because there's like overpopulation and whatever the issue is. But like Madrid, like every year is pretty bad with like their pollution, so they keep adding all these new rules. And so I guess one of the theories is they don't want more drivers, like they don't want more people who have cars. It's like, utilize the public transport. And fair enough, I get it. Like, I'm fine using the public transport in Madrid, especially because it's like effective, it's fast, it's clean. Like, it's not that, it's just like sometimes you don't want to spend an hour of your day on public transport, or you want to be able to just drive to the grocery store and be able to put—

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The things that you buy in your car because it's much more convenient than having to haul around a heavy-ass little, you know, grandma cart that also cannot fit a full thing of groceries for a week for a family of 3 or 4. Like there's just modern conveniences that, that we want to be able to have. But I'm scared to take the driving test also because I'm pretty sure they make you take it in like a manual car, and I don't know how to drive manual. I think actually you might be able to take it in an automatic car, like an automatic. I think you can request it nowadays. But I would have to literally take the full written test in another language and do the driving test, and it's like €1,000 to do the classes that they require you to take before you can even test. It's like very expensive and it's very hard. It's so weird. Like, that's not how we do it in, in America. So I'm just like, I don't— like, I don't want to be tested ever again in my life. I don't want to go back to school. I don't want to— I don't want to do it. Don't make me do it. So I'm like, if I'm not going to be able to drive a car then I don't want to live in a neighborhood where like I have to spend 60 minutes on a subway to get to where I'm trying to go. Especially— oh my God— especially with how many new moms have told me that they felt trapped in their postpartum just because it feels like you're glued to your baby and you're glued to your house and you can never leave because leaving is such a project and you have to bring all this shit with you and it's like such a thing. So it's like if I didn't even have a car and like I had to take my baby on public transport just to go to like an appointment and I had to lug all this stuff, like, I do think that I would feel trapped and I do think I would be much less likely to leave my house, which is probably not good for the menti when you're trying to survive postpartum. Do you know what I mean? So anyway, speaking of postpartum, let's get to the question about when to have babies. I've talked about this a lot on the show, you guys know. You guys know that I don't know, but a psychic did tell me last October, so about a year ago, that 2026 would be the year that I start a family. So we're coming up on that. I don't know if that's going to be correct. I'm not saying that. I don't have a plan for that. I don't have any plan. That's the whole point of this fucking episode, is like, I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm trying to just normalize and let you in on the fact that it's okay if you also don't know what you're doing. So I don't have plans there. I wonder if I'll feel differently after we get married. You know, I think sometimes there's certain like markers or milestones in your life that can be the thing that flips a switch for you. Um, I think I've spoke about on the show before how when I turned 30, like, I just suddenly was like thinking about babies and marriage like all the time, when before that I was like very much chill girl. Like, I'm secure in my relationship. I didn't feel— even though we'd been together for, I don't know, like 8, 9 years, whatever, because we've been together for over 10 now— like, at the time I wasn't like, oh my gosh, like, is he, is he committed? Is he gonna get me a ring? Like, is he gonna— like, I knew those things because I have conversations with my partner and we were making decisions for our lives together. Based on the state of where we were at and what was important to us and prioritizing our career. And we've done international moves multiple times. Like, we just had other things going on that were priorities in our life. So I wasn't like concerned about that, and I wasn't really worried of like the timeline. I was never a timeline girly. But then it was weird, like I turned 30, and it wasn't even like I was sad about turning 30. I was excited to turn 30. Like, I'm not a person who's like, oh my gosh, I'm getting older. Like, I literally don't care. I think I'm getting cooler. And smarter and more emotionally intelligent and more grounded and more regulated and more like wealthy and more everything with every single year that passes. And I want to continue to hold that belief, so I'm not afraid of like getting older. But it was very out of body, like turning 30, and then suddenly it was like a biological thing inside of me that just made me— it forced me. There was something inside me that was just like, you must think about marriage, you must contemplate children, like And so just having so many thoughts about that, which is why we've had a lot of conversations about it on the podcast. But I'm here to tell you there's still no conclusion. I have no fucking idea. So if you're also like up in the air, hello, welcome to the club. I think we're going to be okay. The other question is like, what is my business going to look like? Again, I don't know. How would I know that? I mean, especially when you're building a personal brand, I think the whole power and reason you build a personal brand is so that you have the ability to evolve and pivot and change, and, and people follow along in your life and your journey because they admire you, because they respect you, because they like you, know you I trust you, all those things. But it's not about one certain expertise or one certain product and then never being able to, you know, grow or evolve or pivot beyond that. So it's not like I have any immediate, um, senses that I'm going to drastically change what I'm doing in my business. But I'm also smart enough to know that I don't know how I'm going to feel in 2 years, 3 years, 5 years, 10 years. So I think it would be weird for me to be like, no, I'm definitely going to be doing exactly what I'm doing in this exact same way forever. I mean, obviously not. I— of course there's going to be evolutions, of course there's going to be changes. So yeah, I mean, how can you even pretend to know, right? Especially like being a person who is unmarried and doesn't have children, and knowing that those things are in my eventual plans, hopes, dreams, I guess we'll say. I hope that they— I, I pray that that's something I get to experience at some point, I think that changes you as a person. Like, who knows what, like, my priorities are going to be or what I'm going to care about, or I don't know. I think I just am continuing to follow my highest excitement the same way that I always have, right? And when it's time for something to end, it ends. And when it's time for a new thing to be created, I create it. That's just how I've always functioned. And so I think I'll continue doing that. So how do I feel in all of this, of like not having a plan? Honestly, like, I'm fine. I don't feel out of control not knowing. I just feel really curious and excited more than anything to see like how the rest of the story unfolds. Like, I think I'm just enchanted by the idea that I don't know what the rest of my life will look like., but I have these high hopes for what it could be, and I'm just really excited to meet those future versions of me and, and know what that is. But I don't feel like I need to pressure myself to create those answers or, or have all of the plans now, if that makes sense. It's like I'm reading a really, really good book, and of course I want to know how it ends, like that's why I keep reading it, but I'm not going to impulsively like skip to the last page and spoil it all for myself. That's my analogy of like the surrender, the releasing of needing to have the plan right now, because I know deep down that I don't actually need the answers, right? It just feels satisfying, and it feels like you are in control if you can manufacture a plan, but at the end of the day, like that's all that those plans really are. It's like an invention from our ego. It's a projection of what we think we need. It's an estimation of the future based on our desire alone and maybe inference from past experiences and whatever, but it's not actually real. Like, we don't know. We never know. Even if you have a plan, you don't know. And so I think my perception of not having a 5-year plan is really just like leaving space for magic. Um, it's It's a representation of me actually trusting God and believing in the divine guidance of my path and remembering that I don't always know best anyways, right? Because there's been many times in my life where I was really grateful that I didn't get what I thought that I wanted, or, you know, the thing that I thought was going to be forever wasn't. And I'm really glad about that. I'm grateful for that because something better was on the way. And if I didn't allow for that space, for that unknown, for that uncertainty, for that magic, for that divine intervention, then like I wouldn't have what I have and I wouldn't be who I am. So I'm always trying to leave enough space for that. So I think that's how I kind of reconcile with this idea of like not knowing what the fuck is going on with my life and not having a plan. And yeah, just like releasing the reins a little bit with that. So my kind of like filters I guess you could say, or like values and principles that are helping me decide what all these different areas of my life, life are eventually going to look like. Like when I get to the place of like actually having to make those decisions, these are the things that I'm going to lean on. These are the principles, the values, the filters that I'm going to lean on when it does come time to make those kind of big life decisions. Firstly, I'm always going to let my intuition lead the way. Secondly, I'm going to continue to stay open, as I've talked about, and not have this white-knuckle grip on what the future needs to look like for my life. I am going to continue to, as, as best as I can, follow what feels like the light. I am going to leave room for the magic, the unexpected miracles, blessings,, and for things to turn out better than what I would even be able to plan them as. I think I'm going to remind myself that it's okay if it feels scary, as long as it feels right at the same time. That's going to be a really important principle for me as I make these decisions. Like, it's okay if something feels scary, or if not every single piece of it is 100% exactly be, you know, the dream scenario. If it also feels right, if it feels right and it feels true and it feels like the light, then it's okay to make that choice. I'm going to remind myself that it's not my job to make everyone else happy with my decisions, but if I make sure that I'm making myself happy, then I know at least my children will have a much better chance of growing up with a happy mom. And I think that that because that is really freaking important. I do. I think that's really important. So it's not to say that like my happiness is more important than other people's, but it's like, well, you can't pour from an empty cup. So if you're unhappy, then that will ripple out negatively to impact everyone else in your life, and probably your work and your job and your revenue and like all the things. So I do think that I will fill— focus on filling my cup first. And I think the same is true for like prioritizing my relationship over my children, because what good are my children going to get if I'm just so hyperfixated on them and I'm not focusing on nurturing my relationship and my partnership and my romance with my soon-to-be husband, right? So yeah, I think it is important to have some of that, uh, selfishness, if you want to call it that, but I don't think it's selfishness. I think it's smart. I think it's normal. I think it's what people— more people should probably be doing, because if they were happy people, they would have less problems and they would be less, um, prone to like lashing out at people or just spreading negativity in, in micro ways or macro ways. Like, I don't think our own happiness is something to put on the back burner, to look or to view it as something like smaller and significant. I actually think it's like the big thing. It's really, really important. Another thing that, you know, I'm just gonna have to remind myself when it's time to make these decisions is that, like I said, no one place is going to be able to check all of our boxes. I think it's impossible, especially for Jaime and I because of our, our situation. But, you know, we come first. Him and I, we're gonna have to come first when it's time to make that choice, because if we are happy, if we are healthy, if we are fulfilled, then everything else in our life will be easier.. And that's the place that miracles flow from. So we'll, we'll figure the rest out. Like, we'll find solutions to the other parts of our situation that are inevitably imperfect or hard because it's never going to be 100%, but we're gonna have to prioritize us and our happiness, our health, and our fulfillment when we make these decisions about where to live, what to do with business, when to have kids, where to raise them, how to birth them, all those things. So some questions maybe for you to ask yourself, if you want to, that might be helpful is like, what's one thing that you thought that you would have figured out by now that you don't? And how do you genuinely feel about that? Are you still gripping on to it? Do you feel okay? Are you at peace? What makes you feel at peace about it? What makes you feel out of control with it? What makes you feel pressured to know or to have to decide now? Another question is maybe like, if you were to let go of some of those shoulds that you feel like are being imposed upon your life or your timelines or whatever, what would the ideal next chapter in your life look like? When you're able to let go of like all the, well, you should, and you should do that, and you should probably like let go of all of that. Without that, what would the next ideal chapter in your life look like? And where are you holding yourself hostage to a timeline or a place that doesn't actually feel like yours. I hope you resonated on some level with this conversation and just this, like, open transparency of me just being like, I don't know what the hell is happening. If you did, let me know. I'd love to hear from you guys if this one resonated. If nothing else, this is just, you know, your permission to not have it all figured out. It's your permission to continue to pivot as life unfolds It's your permission to continue defining and redefining success on your own terms in every new phase and stage of your life as it comes. And as I always say, trust is my main strategy. So if you are in any kind of unknown territory right now in your life, you're between a rock and a hard place, or deciding between A and B, or like all possibilities are a go and you have no idea what the next move is or what the next what the next step is, just know that like all you have to figure out is what you're doing tomorrow. That's literally it. The rest will come in due time. When you have that self-trust and trust in Creator, God, higher power, like you can rest easy knowing that as long as I do what I feel is right in my heart and most aligned for me tomorrow, the next step for the tomorrow after that will come., and you would just keep it— keep putting one foot in front of the other. You don't need to have your perfect 5-year plan, your perfect 10-year plan. You can dream about those things, absolutely. Dream big. Um, but if you're feeling stressed about it, maybe it's the invitation to like surrender a little bit and feel like it's okay that you don't know everything right now, because you get to be surprised and delighted by the magical twists and turns of life. Because at the end of the day, your path is always going to be your path. Regardless, you can't fuck it up, so you might as well enjoy the scenery along the way. You are exactly where you're supposed to be until you feel in your bones that something else is calling, or somewhere else is calling, or someone else is calling. And then you answer that call and you follow the nudge. You pick up, you move, you pivot, you follow the light. And that's life. We just keep doing that. Over and over and over again, trusting and believing that we are exactly where we're supposed to be. Until you intuitively know deeply in your soul, I'm meant to— I'm meant to go make a change, make a move, do something different. Okay, then do it. And then you do that. And like, that is life. We just keep doing that. And if you do, I really believe that you are going to have a good and happy and delightful existence on this Earth. So I wish you guys nothing but love. Hopefully this resonated, and thank you so much for tuning in. If you're enjoying these solo episodes, please let me know. I'm challenging myself to do more of them more often for you guys, but I'd love to know what you want to hear. Drop a comment below this episode if you're on Spotify or YouTube, somewhere that you can leave comments, or you can send me a DM on Instagram. I'd love to know like what you want me to chat about with these solo episodes. And if you loved this and you know someone else who in your life really would resonate with this conversation, or another woman who needs to hear this Copy the link, send it to her in a text message, let her know that you were thinking of her, and share the show because that is the best way to help us keep growing and evolving and getting incredible guests and funding the show. So I thank you guys so, so much for all of your shares and reviews. It means so much to me. Thank you guys for tuning in, and I will talk to you next week. Bye! If you loved this episode, make sure to check out the show notes where I've linked a few similar episodes I know you're also going to love.

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