From 6-figure Weeks to Full Time Mom: Unfiltered Reflections from a Retired Girl Boss w/ Alexandria Maria

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I can't wait to read your applications. Welcome to the Makeshift Happen podcast. I'm your host, Samantha Daly.

Entrepreneur, life coach, and your no BS bestie here to bring you all things mindset, manifestation, and personal development. This podcast is designed to help you expand your mind and uplevel your life. So turn the volume up and roll the windows down if you're coming along for the ride. Let's go make shift happen.

Welcome back to the show, Alex. I'm so excited to have you back on and to really have this conversation about, you know, the massive identity shifts that you've been going through, upgrades, challenges, all the things. You've been on the podcast before to chat about— I looked back on our old episode, I'm like, I wonder, A, how long ago that was, and B, what we were talking about, because I have a feeling that this conversation is going to be quite different. So I went back and I looked at it, I'm like, okay, the last conversation that we had on the podcast with you was about manifestation Quantum Leaping in Business. And I also remember that it was like literally days before you were meant to give birth to Leo, because I remember us saying, you know, we might have this recording and we also might not, depending on when you were going to go into labor. So it's been a while and it's been a journey since that time, and a lot has happened, and that's kind of what we're here to talk about today. But I was looking at your socials and I'm like, currently your bio says, putting the MILF in motherhood, a new vibe. So some things have changed since you've last been on the show, and we're due for a catch-up. So I wanted to have you back on and just have kind of a really real honest chat about these shifts that motherhood has brought for you and how you've been navigating all of the changes. And I'm excited to dive in. You had a reel recently that, uh, I saw that was like, 2019 was like strong, independent, like ready to build my empire. And like 2024 is like Pilates, 8 hours of sleep, banana bread, akatar. Like that's the new empire. So this is kind of for everyone listening, this is kind of like the arc that, that we're gonna be talking about and that kind of journey for anyone that can relate, anyone who's going through transitions in life, motherhood, or thinking about moving into a season like that. I hope that this conversation feels comforting, nourishing, supportive, and helps you feel less alone in your own journey. So welcome to the show. I can't wait to talk about all the things.

Thank you, babes. I'm just laughing because I feel like 2019 me, or even me who recorded that podcast episode just about to give birth, would be dying that her bio had anything about motherhood in. She'd just be like cringing. And now I'm here just like, yep, that's my bio. That's, that's what we're talking about.

That's the season of life that we're in, you know. Let's go back a little bit to kind of when you initially found out that you were pregnant. What were your honest feelings around it at the time, and what was the season that you were in, in your business at that time? And just kind of take us back to that, like, because that's the first moment of really realizing, okay, something in my life really big is about to change.

Yeah, so I was in what I would call like my living my vision board era. I was in Miami in this amazing apartment. We looked out onto the water. My business was thriving and just growing at such a rapid rate. We'd actually just done our first like 100K week in sales like not long before. And I'd been on this amazing trip around Europe. And it's so funny because I'm English, so when you're from England, going to Europe isn't like a thing. But when you move to America and you're on the other side of the world doing your Europe trip, it's a thing. So we'd been to Italy for a wedding, which had been so much fun. Then we'd been to Ibiza, again so much fun. We'd come back and we'd had like a whoopsie in Ibiza. I was on the back of a 4-day wedding, hadn't been tracking my cycle the way I normally do. We'd done what we'd done, and afterwards I was like, oh, that probably was the worst day for us to do that, but I'm sure it'll be fine because who gets pregnant on the one time? So I got back to Miami.

You're like, it's me. Yeah, yeah, it's me.

I'm like, I sound like one of those people who are like, practice safe sex, kids, you can get pregnant on the first time. But it turns out you can because, yeah, I got back to Miami, I took a pregnancy test, it was negative, and I was like, we're all good, we're fine, it's negative, we're all good. I actually went out for dinner that week and ended up drinking a lot more than I normally do because it was a taste a menu, I had wine pairings, I was not acting like a pregnant lady anyway. And then on the Friday my period was late and I was like, do you know what, the test came in a 2-pack, I'm just going to take the other test and just like put my mind at ease. And it was positive. And my first words were shit, shit, shit. I was sat on the loo, the loo on the, the toilet to the side of my office. Jake was downstairs in the gym. Like, I— this was a casual thing I was doing to put my mind at rest. And I was like, shit, like, I'm pregnant. And honestly, first reaction was shock. I text Jake and I was like, you need to come up from the gym right now, but then like, kiss kiss. So he was so confused. He was like, I'm being summoned. Alex doesn't summon me, so something's wrong. Something bad's happened, but she's also saying kiss kiss. So like, is everything good? I always laugh because I always see these like cute videos that people do of like telling their partner they're pregnant and it's all like cute and like there's like a box with the test or like da da da. I did not film shit. I was just crying in the bedroom. I couldn't talk. I couldn't get the words out. Jake's like, what the fuck has happened?, and I'm like, I don't know how to tell you this. And then he was like, what is it? And he was like— and I was like, I'm, I'm pregnant. So that was our not so Instagrammable cute moment of finding out.

Oh my God. So you obviously weren't trying. Were you like, this is gonna mess up the season of life that I'm in, or this makes no sense for the goals that I had, or what were kind of the thoughts that came after that in terms of how it was going to impact your lifestyle, where you were living? Because you were like in a beautiful high-rise in Miami, which is fine but also isn't necessarily the place that like most dream of like raising a baby. And obviously you then later moved to Texas. So what were those next kind of thoughts of like, how is this going to impact my goals, my business, our life, where we live? Like, how did that all unfold for you?

Yeah, so honestly, one of my first thoughts in regards to that was this was just not the timing that we had planned. We'd spoken about having kids. We'd been married— oh my God, Jake always laughs because I can never remember how many years we'd be married. Maybe 5 years at this point. I don't know. We've been together about 7, 7 or 8 years. But my thought was like, this is not the right time. Like, we'd we discussed waiting longer. I had things that I wanted to put in place in my business and honestly it was funnels. I was like, I don't have the funnels in place, like things— it sounds so funny now.

No, it's so real.

Yeah, I don't have the funnels, like funnels, the funnels. It's so tragic to say out loud but it's so true and so honest. I was like, I had a plan for funnels this year and the funnels are not in place, like, you know, what's a girl to do without her funnels? So I was freaked, you know, my business was my baby, my business, I poured my blood, my sweat, my tears into willingly. I love doing it. I loved my business, and I was completely freaked. I was like, this was just not what I had planned in terms of the funnels, but just in terms of everything. Yeah, in terms of where we were living. So there was a lot to take in very, very fast. But honestly, the first thing I did— this, I have to share this because this is so batshit, but it's hilarious— I actually that weekend went through all my toiletries and was like, I need to get rid of all the toiletries you can't use when you're pregnant. And like, that was clearly the only thing I felt I could control in my head at that time.

What are the toiletries that you can't use when you're pregnant?

Oh babe, Well, 15 Minute Beauty will tell you every pregnancy thing you can and can't use. So things like retinols, like things like that but also there's loads of random like ingredients and makeup, cosmetics that they're like, I'm sure most sane normal people just carry on using them and everything's fine but I latched on to this idea that I couldn't use loads of my things I was using and that I needed to get rid of them all. So I went on this weird purge of my bathroom basically because it was clearly like the one thing I felt I could control. That's where it all began.

Oh my—

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Gosh, yeah, it's kind of like all starts of like, okay, things are going to be different now, things are going to change. Did you feel like you initially were like, okay, it wasn't the timing, but you were like, you just kind of like accepted it and were like, well, I guess this is like God's plan, I guess this is like what, what's happening?

Yeah, I immediately knew that I wanted to like go through the pregnancy, and we both agreed that pretty much instantaneously, you know, it was like, we're doing we'll work it out from here. It's hard to talk about honestly having like a thought process at that point though, because it was just such a shock. And I just want to be completely honest about that, because I've heard women say this even when they're planning, it can be a shock to be like, oh, it's worked, like it's happened. But we weren't planning this at all, you know. It was real full body shock. I was meant to be going on a retreat the next day. I had to cancel my flights that night. I was like, I can't go on a retreat right now, like I can't think straight. So we knew we were going to do it straight away, but then I think the kind of second spanner in the works that happened was I very quickly got very sick and I kind of hoped in my head I would have more time and more capacity to be able to put things in place. And that just wasn't the case for me. I got to week 6 or 7 and was like, crippling ill. And so any plans of like, don't worry, I can take my time, I can work this out, I can put my funnels in place, really quickly went out the window. And I was actually, I was in the middle of a launch when all this happened. And it's really funny because people probably didn't notice from the outside looking in, but I can see very, very clearly. I do this big launch and then everything just kind of like dwindles and disappears in a way that I'd never done before. And it was a real wake-up call. It was like, you know, I can't launch the way that I was previously. I can't be doing the things I was doing previously. I'm really not very well right now.

Yeah.

At what point did you realize— because I know you've been super open about like your journey and experience with HG, which you you found out that, that it wasn't just morning sickness, it was something much more serious than that. At what point did you find out that that's what was going on for you, or did you kind of go through months and months of just feeling like, I guess this is what pregnancy is, and this, like, I just, I'm supposed to feel like this until second trimester and hoping it's going to go away?

I found out really early, and I think it was around week 7. I went to an OB appointment. I'd been on a really short walk the week before and almost fainted, and by the time— it's kind of a weird story. I flew Austin during this time. My friend was having a medical emergency and I wanted to be here and be here to support. I very recently found out I was pregnant and I was on a launch, so everything was just happening all at once. And so I'm in Austin, I'm staying at a friend's house, and as the week's going on in Austin, I'm feeling worse and worse and worse, to the point on the Friday I go for this very short walk and I essentially faint on the walk. And I'm like, I really don't feel good. I'm starting to struggle to eat more and more. By the time I left Austin and got back on an airplane, Jake had to get a wheelchair because the airport this really long walk and I just couldn't manage it. My blood pressure was tanked. I was barely eating. I was just feeling really, really awful. So then when we got back to Miami, I saw an OB and I said, I'm really not feeling good. Like, I've got to the point where I can't drink water, I can't eat, I can't put food near my mouth. I really can't do very much. Like, I feel like I'm gonna faint every time I stand up. I'm, I'm in a really bad way. She was like, oh, it's morning sickness. I actually had this awful doctor joke to me. He was like, you're probably having a girl. And I was like, I don't think you're taking this seriously. I was like, I can't go through with this pregnancy pregnancy if I'm going to continue this way because I can't physically get water or food into me and I'm faint constantly. Like, this is not— I can't— this is not possible. And I think they then took me seriously and they were like, okay, we can try on some medication. From that place, we can, we can kind of move from there. Not luckily, my sister had HG. So I say not luckily because I wouldn't wish it on anyone in the world, but it did mean that I actually had some awareness of it. I'd kind of naively been hoping it— I wouldn't have it, but I had some awareness, which definitely helped because I could then message my sister and be 'Hey, like, I'm ill in a bad way. Like, what do I do? Where do I go?

Who do I speak to?' Yeah, okay, so you knew right away. And then, I mean, I think that really colored your experience of pregnancy in a, in a big way, which you've spoken about before, of that kind of being quite a trauma for you, of like going through so many months of severe illness like that, and, you know, probably not desiring to be pregnant ever again just because of how impactful that was. Which it's sad, right? And I'm sure there's like a grieving process there with that too, of I think we all have this vision of what we hope that our journey into motherhood will be like, and we hope that, you know, we're gonna feel amazing and be working out while we're pregnant and eating really well. Like, we all— like, it's the vision board of, you know, it's that this is so classic. Do you have any advice for women that have either gone through something like this, or if they have a pregnancy where they don't feel it? Maybe if it's not even something like HG, but they just feel 100% and they're not able to complete their vision board version of pregnancy? Like, anything that really helped you in that process of accepting and getting through it, essentially?

Yeah, so I'll speak to two different scenarios. The first is non-HG kind of pregnancy, which I know about through, through friends, and I can also gauge based on my own experience. The first thing to say is like, everyone feels like a pile of dog shit in the first trimester. Like, pretty typically you're not going to feel good. Like, you're tired. Like, like even if you don't have HG, you could be having some morning sickness. Like, you're not feeling amazing, and you have such a rush of hormones as well. It is very common to have things like anxiety or insomnia. Like, all these things can kind of come to the surface in that first trimester. And just kind of knowing that it's going to end— like, know that it will end, that between 12 and 16 weeks in general you will start to feel a lot better. And the second trimester actually might be your golden pregnancy era where you are glowing and you are going to your workouts and you feel energized and you feel good. And there is actually elements of that. I would say for any pregnancy, just keeping expectation low because A, everyone feels slightly shitty in their first trimester, and B, you can get to the end of your pregnancy and you're heavy. Your body is taking on so much weight at that point. It's very normal to have back pain or pelvic pain or things like this. So just, I think just letting go slightly of this image and this perfect image of pregnancy. And then I think anything is a benefit from that because if you do get to your third trimester and you're still feeling good, and women do, some women feel amazing still, then amazing, you can enjoy that and you can celebrate that. But I think the drop is really where the expectation is here and the reality is here, and you're like, it's not meant to be like this. But actually, the more you speak to pregnant women, you realize the majority of pregnancies aren't Instagram perfect. You know, there are various elements cropping up in it. I think for a HGU pregnancy, it is different because you don't know when that sickness is going to end. HG puts you in survival. You are in pure survival mode for particularly the most intense parts of nausea. For some people, the HG does end around like 20-24 weeks. For some people, they get it the whole way through. Me personally, I definitely had like a lower level of nausea from about 5 months, but I felt nauseous the whole time. You learn rules to live by. You don't go near certain foods. You don't have any scents around you. You know what your safe foods are. Like, you just live under those rules and it gets easier it because you know how to live within those like guidelines for survival, so to speak. But I think with that, like, you are just thrust into survival mode. And I think just focusing on day by day— it is sad and it is grief. And I think at some point letting yourself feel that. I know for me, I didn't have space to even feel that sadness fully until a year after Leo was born. I needed to just— cuz even in the first year, you're kind of in survival mode. You're trying to look after this baby for the first time ever. You don't know what the hell you're doing. You're— maybe you're breastfeeding, but even if you're not, you're You're definitely feeding a lot, so there's still a lot of survival there. So just at some point giving yourself the space to feel that sadness and to process what's happened, because it's very hard to actually process when you're in it because you're still in survival. It's like any trauma. If you're still in a traumatizing situation but you're trying to process it at the same time, you don't really have capacity to do so. There needs to be a little bit of spaciousness before you can go, okay, what the hell happened there? Let's go through it.

Yeah, kind of getting out the other side and then allowing yourself to go, wow, that was a lot. That was That was, that was kind of, that was, that was kind of fucked up. We should probably reflect on, you know, everything that I had to like give up and lose and grieve that and all of the, the processing. I wanna talk a bit about like the identity, cuz I know that's a huge thing for a lot of moms or moms-to-be is like feeling like this sense of they're gonna lose their, their selves, or maybe they feel like they did lose their past self or they're just becoming a whole new person. When did you first notice some pieces of your identity shifting? Was it during pregnancy? Was it more in that postpartum phase once you could kind of get out of the survival, as you talked about? And how did you handle this feeling of like, I'm not the same me?

Badly. Which I'm saying just to be honest, because if anyone is listening and they're like clinging on to their old identity with like the shreds of their nails at this point, like, I get it, because I was that person. My identity shift started early, and people talk a lot about kind of grieving the maiden when you become the mother, and the freedom that comes with that era of, you know, just being able to do what you want in your own time and focus your energy and output in other places. I had that early, I think, because I was so sick. So whereas you can still be pregnant and go to restaurants and go on trips and kind of do fun things, like, it was honestly the pits having to do anything. I was preferably just at home resting, and that was a big shift, you know. I went from the person who'd been traveling Europe and eating out and working out 4 or 5 times a week to I couldn't even take a walk without it making me really sick. So there was a lot of death very quickly. All the things that I used to hold on to fell away. I couldn't read, I couldn't meditate, I couldn't listen to music, like I couldn't watch TV. Everything shifted in a very quick drop. I did obviously regain some of those things, but I didn't feel the death of the maiden so much when Leo was then born. I didn't feel the loss of freedom because I'd already gone through that. I'd already kind of grieved that process and been in that process of like, wow, everything has changed, and what a golden era we had beforehand, and I just have to hold on hope that there's going to be another golden era. It's just going to look different to what a previous one would look like. I think the second level of identity death that then happened was really around my business. My business was such a huge part of my identity, and I didn't realize it was until I had to let it go. I thought I had a healthy relationship with it because I just loved it. I gave everything to it, and I thought that was okay because I loved it. What's the problem? I give everything to this because I love it. It fills me up. And then when when it stopped filling me up and I didn't love it as much, that was really hard. It was really hard to let go of that. And I, I tried to force it, I tried to find different ways of approaching it, and that works for some people, it just didn't work for me. And so it was really letting go of that big part of my identity, but realizing as well that I derived so much self-worth from there. I thought I was only an interesting person if I had a business. I thought I was only contributing something if I was bringing in money and I was helping other people. And all these things that are positive things, they can have a kind of toxic side in terms of if you are deriving too much self-worth from there, which we all do to a certain extent. But if it tips over into too much, then if that goes, where does that leave you? And that really was the question that I had to ask myself. I was like, if I don't— if so much of my identity isn't this business, who am I? And like, am I still worthy and valuable as a human being?

Well, how long do you think it took you to like really come to a place of like acceptance with that? Because you said you clung on for a while and tried to like adapt and change things and make it work. How long do you think that that like process was for you roughly, and like to get to the place of being like, I actually think that, you know, what's most aligned for me and what I'm being asked to do is to really like let this go?

Yeah, I would say probably like a year, a year and a half. I'd say about 6 to 8 months in, I was having a lot of realizations, and I actually had a conversation with a good friend, and I had her as business coach. I hired her for a VIP day and I was like, it was so funny, it all comes back to funnels. I was like, you just need to help me start my funnels. I was like, if I have my funnel dialed, everything is fine. And through that conversation, thank God she was one of my closest friends as well. She was like, Alex, like it's not the funnels. Like I don't think funnels are gonna fix this. And I was like, oh shit, no, you're right. So 6 to 8 months I was having inklings that things needed to change pretty big. After a year I made some some huge, huge shifts in my business. I really trimmed everything back down, but I think there was still an identity piece I was clinging on to. I think it was a mentality of, I just still need to change things, I need to take a break, I need to shift things around a little bit. And I'd say a year and a half was really the point where I was like, this just isn't who I am anymore, and I cannot force myself to be someone I'm not.

Does that feel like liberating to you? Do you feel more relieved? Like, what was the change then of actually accepting it and going, okay, well, I this is just the new chapter of my life, and, and I'm not going to keep clinging on to these little pieces of my business that I'm holding on to for relevance or significance, or, you know, hoping that the spark will come back, and just really like actually turning the page. What did that feel like for you?

Honestly, there was a lot of guilt and grief to begin with. A big piece of the self-worth I realized was helping other people. Like, I loved helping other people. I love supporting other women. The whole reason I set up my business was because I was the girl crying in the bathrooms at work, hating her job, and I discovered there was this whole other world where you could completely change your life. And I wanted other people to experience that. I didn't want other people to be crying in the bathroom at work, hating their life. And so there was a lot of guilt. I felt like I was going to be letting down a lot of women. There was a lot of grief because it had been such a huge part of my life, and I had poured so much into it. And that I was, I was sitting in the unknown. It's really hard to sit in the unknown, and that brought grief as well. But then as I moved through the guilt and the grief, there was liberation, there was freedom, and there was like, it felt like, oh my gosh, I forgot how many possibilities were available for my life. I ironically, in the bid to be helping so many other women see the possibilities for their life, stopped seeing the possibilities for my own life. I stopped feeding my own curiosity, my own dreams. Like, that ability to be in the unknown— the unknown can feel really scary, but it can also feel like a blank canvas that you get to paint whatever you want on. And I actually really thrive in that energy.

Yeah, that's so true. It's kind of like, you know, you think when you're in this like space of entrepreneurship and business, you know, oh, I have all these big goals, like limitless possibility. But at the same time, there's this other side of that where actually the possibilities that you're allowing to believe for yourself are quite narrow because they're just through the lens of like what you can do in your business and how you can grow the business. So I think we have this like perception of like, I'm allowing space for limitless possibilities for myself. But to your point, then you start to realize how narrow that lens was because limitless possibilities, instead of just going like further in one direction. It's like, could we go wider and like actually be anyone that we want to be in all these different roles in our life and areas? So yeah, I think that's illuminating for me, you know, just for myself and hopefully for anyone listening, of even if you do feel really solid in, in your purpose or your path or your business or whatever it is, of are we still perhaps limiting what we believe is available to us in some form with our identity because we're so married to the idea of this career or this path or this business that we're building. Yeah, 100%.

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I think to that point, one of the things I really examined was the titles I was giving myself. And I realized that, you know, whether you want to call it coach, mentor, consultant, whatever, actually so many of the things were within the boundaries of that. And one of the first places I started was, okay, well, if I wasn't calling myself a coach or mentor— and you have to kind of put it in that frame, you know, if it— if this wasn't quote-unquote title, what else would be possible? Or what else would I be interested in doing? What else would I be creating? And just kind of loosening the shackles of like who you think you are, or the confines of what you think you need to create within, and seeing actually, yeah, there is— there's so many other possibilities. Or for other people, it might be different. It might be the, the business name that they use, you know. If it wasn't under this business name, what would you be doing? What would you be creating? I think it's definitely interesting to examine actually the, the limits we're putting on the limitless possibilities.

Yeah, totally. What do you think you were really surprised by in terms of how much, like, the things that you genuinely loved and enjoyed about motherhood? Because obviously it impacted you in a lot of ways, but obviously positive ways as well, because it started to become this thing that you just, you really wanted to identify with being mom. Like you said before, you would have never thought that it would be in your bio. It's like in your bio now. It's like a huge part of your life, you know. You've decided to really make that a big piece of your identity and how you see yourself now. So obviously there were things that, that you've loved and enjoyed about motherhood. What are some of those things that were surprising to you in terms of like going, oh, I actually think, you know, maybe I never would have thought that this is how I wanted to identify myself, but actually this is like who I mainly want to be right now? Like, what was that like?

Oh my gosh, so many parts. Like, even in the beginning, I need my sleep, and I, and I do need my sleep, but I thought I'd really struggle with the night wakes and the night feeds and things like this. And we actually interviewed a night nurse to come around. My, one of my friends had one. I, I know a lot of people have had them and it sounded amazing. I was like, great, nighttime support. I know I need my sleep. I know it's really important for my mental health. I didn't want anyone. I was like, no, I love getting up in the night. I love doing the night feeds. I loved all of those things. So the sleep just not being as much of a stress as I thought it would be. It did reach a tipping point after about 8 months and I was like, I can't remember the last time I had like 4 hours of solid sleep. And then we had to make some changes. But definitely in the early stages, like, I loved getting up in the and just doing the feeds. I think in a really good way it's made me prioritise my peace to a greater extent than ever before in my whole entire life, because when I'm with Leo, when I'm with Jake, and we are in our little family bubble, I realise how special it is what we have and how special he is. And all I want to do is protect that bubble. All I want to do is protect that peace and make sure as little as possible rocks that. And I've noticed how it doesn't sit well with me when external things are rocking me too much and then that impacts my time with my son or my time with my husband. So in a really positive way, it's made me really prioritize peace and also just how much fun they are. Like everyone tells you all the awful parts about having kids and how awful it is and yeah, like he's becoming a toddler right now, he tantrums, like of course he's asserting his independence but he is so much fun. Like every day he makes me laugh, every day he's doing something and I'm like, you are the cutest thing on the entire planet. Like, I go around the house sniffing his clothes. Like, it is honestly— it's the best. It's, it's— yeah, it's hard. Most things in life have duality. Most things in life are hard and amazing at the same time. Business was no different, you know. Business was incredible and it was hard at times. And motherhood's exactly the same. But those highs are so, so worth it.

Yeah, I've heard a lot of moms talk about the tightening of boundaries when they become a mom or when they start having kids, of— like suddenly it's like they give so many less fucks about what other people need or expect from them, and they're like, nope, prioritizing the peace. This is how it has to be. I'm saying no to people and things that don't make sense. Like, so I think that's a really beautiful thing that happens for women is they kind of gain that sense of like, okay, no, this is actually really important. But you also mentioned doing things to support your mental health. So I'm curious, because obviously, you know, your journey was complex and had lots of these like ups and downs and traumas and all the things in there. So I'm sure there there was mental health stuff that came along with that. So for anyone listening, is there anything that you feel like was helpful to you, or that you wish that maybe you had done more of, or anything like that, as it— in regards to supporting your mental health, either during pregnancy or postpartum?

My advice is going to be so funny. So just a brief part of context. So I had PTSD from my pregnancy. I also had a traumatic labor, and Leo was injured in my labor as well. I was left paralyzed for, um, 2 and a half months afterwards. So there was, there was a lot that went on. Anyway, I was left with PTSD from the experience, and I knew I had trauma, and I knew that I wanted to deal with it. I'm in the world of personal development, I'm very aware. I was like, okay, we get to do the trauma healing. And I tried everything. I did everything from somatic processing to craniosacral therapy to standard therapy to EMDR. I, I I threw the kitchen sink at it, and a lot of those things are very helpful to a lot of people, but honestly, the thing that I think I should have done more of in the first year was watch more Netflix and give myself a break, because it's almost too much. It is enough trying to keep a small child alive and to be dealing with your own mental health and the hormonal fluctuations that you're going through, which are wild. Actually, sometimes all I really needed was to just like chill out, watch a show, give myself a pat on the back and say, you know what, you tried today and that is enough. Like, you don't need to be the perfect mum, you don't need to be the perfect breastfeeder or pumper or whatever the hell I was trying to be. He's alive, he's in bed, everything's fine. I don't think we do that enough as mums. I think particularly these days with the Instagram standards of parenting, we are so caught up in, oh my God, giving them breast is best, and oh my God, don't traumatize them by doing this, and don't traumatize them by doing that, and yeah, great, so much of that is amazing, but we also set the standards so high that it's just impossible to meet most days. So more Netflix, more chill-out time, and then slowly, honestly, I think having tried everything under the sun, therapy was just the thing that I came back to. And it was really interesting for me because I kind of got bored of therapy for a while. I thought therapy doesn't give me much, it's very slow-paced, it's just talking. I was like, I want something that's going to change something. I want to end a session and I've cleared some trauma, and like, you know, like I had that energy. I was like, make it happen, like, but fast. And actually the thing that has been most nourishing and most healing to me has been therapy and going a little bit slower and having those realizations and building safety with a therapist and feeling like I have that space that's just for me. And that slow and steady approach has been the best thing for my mental health. So I think that would be the kind of tip I would give any woman any mother that's going through it is just slow the fuck down. Just like slow down. I know it feels like you want to get back to yourself right now. I know it feels like we want to do healing warp speed, but actually the slower the better.

Yeah, such good advice. I think like it's so real when we are really educated on all these things about healing, personal development, trauma, whatever, you know, that feeling of like wanting to do it in the absolute best way for everything, but then also that becoming kind of a little bit of an obsession of, you know, wanting to heal or, you know, being in that kind of healing trap of always feeling like we're broken, need to fix ourselves, need to solve it, need to find the right modality. And to your point of like more Netflix and giving yourself a break is like adding in a little bit of that balance where it's like, you know, also just allowing yourself to be a normal person, to be a human, to like hold space for the experiences and, and not need to fix everything right away, but to just like do what you need in the moment and process over time. And I think that's really great advice cuz I think a lot of people will be able to relate to that when we have, especially like if you have an entrepreneurial mindset, I think whenever there's a problem in your life, you're like, certainly there's a solution, we're gonna find it, we just have to get the right person, the right practitioner, we'll get the plan in place, we'll start going from there, and then we, this will be solved, and then everything will be taken care of. And you just really have that like outcome-driven mindset of like, let's get to the end of this, I just have to find the right person or the right thing. So to hear that, I think is really liberating in a sense of like allowing yourself to just be a human. And finding that like slower approach and allowing it to take time and, and run its course.

And if you think about it, like, I know they share this on Instagram a lot, you've probably seen it, where they say about how breastfeeding's not just the equivalent but more than a full-time job if you do a year of breastfeeding. If you think about that, if you're taking that and in my case running a business, but for other women going back to work, whatever it may be, you're taking those two things. So you've got two full-time jobs already, then you're trying to look after yourself and make sure you've showered and, you know, maybe done some workout or whatever it may be, and then on top of that you're trying to do a shit ton of healing. Sometimes it is just too much. Like, sometimes what you actually need to do is read a fiction book. That was another thing that was really healing. Like, instead of a personal development book, maybe read a fiction book. Maybe just like relax your mind and know that there is a time and a space for that personal development. But they say it's the work because it is work. It can be like emotionally and physically draining sometimes to be processing these big things in our life. And I think we need to make sure that we hold the time, the space, and the energy around that, that you are actually at a point where you have the capacity to do it.

What about like your partner and your friends, as we're kind of talking about navigating the identity crisis, the mental health stuff? Is there anything that they did for you or any ways that they supported you that were really helpful? Or even just some advice maybe for if we have people in our lives that are becoming new moms, like what are some ways that we support them?

I think one of the biggest things is knowing when advice is wanted. I had a real contrast where I would have some friends in my life that they would almost like mum shame me without meaning to. They would be sharing things that they were learning or sharing their approach on mothering, and in doing so it was coming with like a side note of shame for the approaches that I was taking and the things that were working for me and my son and my family. And I really noticed the contrast between that and friends who were like, you do whatever works and trust yourself that that is the right thing. And that felt so supportive and so relieving. So yeah, new moms want advice, but just be mindful of how you're approaching giving that advice, and be mindful that people are going to have very different perspective, very different opinions, and different things are just going to work for them. And instead of trying to like convince them that your way is the best way, just let them do what works for them and trust in that, I think would be a huge bit of advice having the mum friend that will laugh with you on the bad days is so important. So like, I have a friend and we text each other sometimes and I'm like, well, I'm watching a film with Leo right now because I've given up on parenting for the day. It's not like, don't you know kids shouldn't have screens and da da da da da, it's like, fair play, like today I did this and do you know what, still here, everything's fine. That's not to say we set the standards low for parenting but mums will get it, like you're not gonna be the best mum every single day and you need someone to to laugh about what that was sometimes and be like, they're okay, they're fine, give you that reality check of like everything's good. And then from a partner, like, I don't know, I set the standards high with a partner. Like, Jake's been an equal parent and will always be an equal parent, and we just split everything and we play to each other's strengths. So Jake often gets up with Leo first thing in the morning, for example. I am not a good morning person, so he will go upstairs, I will slowly get out of bed, and then I will be there and present. I cook all Leo's meals because that's something that I'm good at doing. So like, we just divide and conquer, but Jake's very much an equal parent, and I will stand by that.

What has the dynamic between you guys changed since becoming parents? I mean, I'm sure it has, how could it not? But like, what was beautiful, challenging about that, of like seeing your partner in a new light, seeing them also become a parent?

Do you know what, I actually wouldn't say our dynamic has changed that much. Like, I would say like you have to be more thoughtful in terms of planning date nights and making things special and doing doing things together. We do a lot more date nights in the house. When people are like, oh yeah, but you can't get a date night, I'm like, we'll do it in the house. Like, I love nothing more than going to Whole Foods and going ham, like getting a load of cheese from the cheese section and just like making this beautiful cheese board, having a glass of wine, and just being like, this is a Friday night date night, you know? Like, it doesn't have to be out of the house. I genuinely wouldn't— I mean, maybe it's because we're nearly 2 years in now and things have like definitely, you know, Leo sleeps through the night at the moment. He goes to bed at 6:30, he wakes up at 6. Like, we have like a rhythm, we have a routine. So it hasn't changed our dynamic huge amounts, or at this point in our relationship it's not changing our dynamic huge amounts. If anything, I think we're more grateful for each other, like the way that we show up, and we really appreciate that. Like, I massively appreciate the father that he is, and I love him even more for that because I'm like, wow, like the way that you love Leo, the way that you love me, the way that you show up for both of us. Like, this is amazing. So yeah, I think it takes more intention, more intention to have sex, more intention to have date nights. But I would say our dynamic hasn't really shifted.

I love that. You guys have always been, I feel like, a like really fun with each other and like supportive couple and like on the same page. So yeah, I love seeing that you got— you guys still also like travel with him. Like, I've seen Leo on a bunch of planes. Like, yeah, you're still like, you're still living your life. He's out there in Tulum these retreats. I'm like, this child, this child is living the bougie lifestyle.

That kid lives. He got his passport at 6 weeks old and was in Europe at 8 weeks old. So he has lived. And yeah, we do the majority of trips with him. We've taken 2 solo trips so far and that's also been so fun and so nourishing. We went to Ibiza. I know you guys have special relationship with Ibiza too. That's where I got pregnant with Leo. But yeah, We went to Ibiza, just the two of us, and we went out partying and we slept loads. And yeah, it was— it's great. We have fun and we also know how to be a team, and I'm forever grateful for that. We did bring in Monday morning meetings. That's definitely helped as well. It does require more organization. So every Monday at 11 AM we have a meeting and it's like decision-making time. It's like booking things, whatever it may be. So yeah, there's definitely a bit more intention there just because you have to be more mindful of time. But no, it's still fun.

I love I love that. Yeah, Monday morning meetings just to get like schedule stuff, like who's taking who where at what times and what has everyone got on the calendar, that sort of thing.

Yeah, 100%. Like, and any like key decisions that need to be made, if we need to like make any big purchases, or we've been doing a lot of house reno, so there's been a lot of house making decisions, for example. But also like dates, trips, things like that. I just booked to see my friends in Miami from England next year, and he was like, are you free on these dates? And I was like, yeah, cool. So we need needed a calendar meeting. So it's just, it's just a little bit of extra organization goes a long way.

Yeah, so good. Okay, so speaking of like bougie lifestyle and, you know, kind of luxury stuff, you've always been kind of a luxe gal, I feel. But I'm curious to know, I think you did a post about this once, like what luxury looks like now as a mom. Like what is the new version of luxury for you?

Definitely peace. Peace is everything to me. Having my home feel really like nourishing and peaceful because I am at home a lot more than I used to be, for sure, even though we still travel a lot. And it's still the same things it was in some ways. So I appreciate and value my home life a lot more, and it's definitely a lot more kind of like cozy vibes. And yeah, I still love a bougie trip and a bougie handbag, and I love that I still love those things because I'm like, why do I have to give up everything that I liked once I become a mom? This is why I talk about the MILF thing. I don't subscribe to this thing that we become a a mom and suddenly it's downhill from there, you know. It's like, yeah, we become a mom and everything can still keep going uphill. Like, it doesn't have to start going downhill. We get to embrace all the things we loved before. But I'm saying that I definitely just, yeah, appreciate the cozy vibes and peace a lot more than I, I ever did before.

Any advice for moms out there that are maybe wanting to get their spark back again? And as you're talking about, like, it doesn't have to go downhill from there. Like, you still get to be the you can still be you. What is that kind of like rediscovery, or how to get your spark back?

I think it begins with the death, like letting go. I think it's the less— it's the gripping onto who we were and not leaving space for who we're becoming that creates a lot of that losing of the spark, so to speak. Because you think the spark is essentially being who you were, and you can't get back to that place. Instead, I think when you can let go of who you were and step into, okay, well, who am I becoming, that's when it becomes easier to get the spark because you're like, okay, like for example, if exercise was a big thing for me— I didn't exercise for 10 months, I'd lost so much muscle, Leo was a heavy baby, I really needed to regain strength— but if I was trying to approach that goal from who I was before I became a mum and go out to a Pilates class all the time, particularly in that first year, that wasn't available to me. Now it is more, but in the first year it wasn't. So it became a lot more about, okay, well, if I want to get my spark back right now, what's actually realistic for me in my life as it is. Is it that I just do 15 minutes of Pilates online and I do it on the mat with the baby, for example? And just allowing those things to be shorter, more practical. But I think it's getting clear on as well what elements for you constitute getting your spark back in this season, because it's going to look different. So previously for me it might have been like, oh, I've got a trip and I definitely want— I want to feel in good shape for it, whatever it might be. Now my spark and my drive to work out most of the time is Leo is heavy as fuck. Like, I need to be strong enough to pick him up. My friend tried to get our Pilates yesterday and I was like, I have to go, babe. Like, Leo has put on weight again and I'm struggling with him. Like, I, I can't skip Pilates day. Like, I think it's finding new motivation for those goals as well, and I think that really helps you get your spark and just embracing and accepting who you are because it's gonna dim your spark whatever stage of life you're in if you're trying to get box that isn't true and authentic to you.

Yeah, not trying to be your old self, but really like working towards the recreation of who you're becoming and what this new season is for you. I think that's always good advice, you know, wherever we're at in life. Is not— we're not trying to go backwards, we're trying to go forwards. And it's more of like a recreation and a new discovery rather than a can I dig up that old version of me and try to return back to something that I once was. Anything that you're excited for in the future, like looking ahead? What's your vibe right now in life? Or like going into a new year soon. I don't know, do you have anything particularly that you're like lit up about or just like loving right now?

I'm really lit up about being creative in 2025. I feel like that's probably gonna be one of my keywords for 2025, key theme. I really struggled with since becoming a mum not having my goals the way that I used to have them when it came to New Year. Like I was a goals girly. I had the vision board, I had the goals, I had them broken down for quarter. I had the Excel document they were plugged into. I had it all going on, and I really struggled with not even being able to fake that enthusiasm for them. And so this year I'm really excited that I'm not going to be trying to force that. I'm not going to be trying to force goals that don't fit. I'm going to be really in this energy of following the creativity, following the exploration, and really allowing things to flow from that place of like true joy and true fun again, and seeing what comes from that place. So yeah, less goals, more creativity.

So good. I love that. Oh my God, thank you for coming on, Alex, and sharing everything and just being so real and sharing your honest stories. And I just think that this conversation is going to be really supportive to so many women who are kind of in this phase of life and feeling the identity shifts, or a new season coming, or they've just become a new mom, or they kind of have that season of life on the horizon for them. I think having these conversations and also seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and the hope that's there is also really, really valuable. So thank you so much.

Thank you for having me. Honestly, I love your podcast. I listen anyway, and you're such a joy. So thanks for having me, babe.

I love that. I love that. Yeah. Okay, well, for everyone that wants to come follow along on your journey and get into all things Akhtar, mom life, Pilates, entering their creative kind of soft, peaceful era, can you let everyone know where you're hanging out online these days?

Yeah, so I'm over at @iamalexandriamaria, and then I'm on the @itsupgraceseason.

Amazing. We'll link everything in the show notes for you guys. If you enjoyed this episode, if it resonated with you, or if you have a friend, mom, sister, someone in your life who you know could benefit from hearing this conversation, please copy the link, send it to them in a message, let them know that you were thinking of them. And if you take a screenshot and tag it on your Instagram stories, make sure that you tag Alex and I so that we can chat with you guys in the DMs and start to make some more connections. We'd love to hear from you all. Thank you so much for listening, and we'll talk to you next week. Mwah!

Bye!