Getting to Know Your Shadow Self

Welcome to the Makeshift Happen podcast. I'm your host, Samantha Daly, entrepreneur, life coach, and your no BS bestie, here to bring you all things mindset, manifestation, and personal development. This podcast is designed to help you expand your mind and uplevel your life. So turn the volume up and roll the windows down if you're coming along for the ride. Let's go make shit happen. What's up guys, welcome back to the podcast. Thank you so much for tuning in. If you are a regular listener, I love you so much. And if you are a new listener, welcome, love to see it. We're so excited to have you here and I hope that you'll stick around. So I recently asked you guys on Instagram what you wanted to hear more of on the podcast and I had quite a few requests to talk more about shadow work. So although I'm not going to be able to give you like a full-blown crash course on shadow work because it is very— it's, it's very deep. And I think it's something that is most well done in like a one-on-one environment or in a coaching environment of some kind. Like the most that I've been able to get out of doing shadow work myself has always been in sort of a more sacred or safer space with someone who's really like holding the space and prompting and allowing me to like go to that place or those fears, those uncertainties or whatever it is that's kind of coming up, those childhood traumas. So it's difficult to really give someone the experience of doing a full-blown healing through shadow work via a podcast. Like, I just don't think that you would get the most out of it. But I did want to give some insight just into, like, you know, what is shadow work and how can you get to know your shadow self a little bit more? Because once you know what those aspects are of yourself, you can start to bring awareness to them and then recognize where they may be coming from and what feelings that brings up for you. And then from there, it's really just about feeling it to heal it. So the first step is always to build awareness with everything, right? With limiting beliefs, with anything, is we have to build awareness around it first because we can't solve a problem that we does— that we don't know exists, right? Which is so often what our shadow self is, right? It's this part of us that's been hidden away. It's been suppressed. It's been turned off in a sense. And we just kind of stuff it down and shove it into the back corner of the closet.

And then we kind of forget about it.

You know, it's stored somewhere deep in the subconscious, and we on a conscious level forget about it and don't really know that it's there. But it is subconsciously influencing our life and our behaviors and our patterns and our relationships and our ability to get what we truly want out of life. So it's definitely playing a role, but it's like playing this really sneaky background hidden role, which is why we want to uncover the shadow parts of ourselves, because when we can become aware of what those things may be, we can start to process them. And that is all that really needs to happen is for you to become aware of those parts of yourself and then be willing to do the work, the journaling, the healing, the coaching, the, the therapy, the whatever it is for you that's going to help you go into those parts of yourselves and feel what needs to be felt there and experience the things that maybe you have suppressed or forgotten about or just never really taken the time to, like, dig up and address. Right. I think that's a big piece for shadow work in general is like, like we just don't want to do it. You know, it's like an inconvenience. Who wants to go back to the times where they were the most hurt or betrayed or felt left out or didn't feel good enough or felt insecure or were rejected, or, you know, like, we don't— that's not something that is like fun for us to do. We're not like, oh, I have some extra time on my weekend, I think I'm gonna go and relive all of these horrible parts of my childhood. Or, you know, even, even if your childhood was amazing, there's obviously still little tiny elements and things that we've we've pushed into the, the back corner of the closet because it's easier to just leave it there and put it on the shelf than to actually look at it, right? So I've talked about this quite a lot, and I work on this with my clients, but really understanding that everybody has childhood trauma, and trauma is not always capital T trauma, which means, you know, the big things that we may think of, of abuse or bullying or You know, being born into a family with infidelity or lots of violence or fighting or divorce or addiction. You know, these are the things that maybe come up for most of us when we think of the word trauma. But trauma is really so, so, so, so broad. And trauma can be as simple as not knowing the answer in class and feeling like everybody was looking at you, or that you were being made fun of, or, you know, a teacher saying something to you that you don't know why you remember that. Like, this is one of my stories. Like, I have a very vivid memory of a teacher saying something to me. And like, if you can pull out a really concrete, specific memory from your past of when you were a kid, of a specific thing that someone said to you, or you remember exactly where you were, when it happened. Like, if you have one of those really concrete moments, like, that's a really good place for you to start looking at to find, you know, what are some of the elements of my common traumas that happened to me in my childhood? Because we all have them, right? We just— we can't move through the world without ever being hurt or feeling ashamed or being embarrassed or feeling left out or feeling judged or feeling not good enough. Like, there's no— our parents can't protect us. Enough, no matter how good of a parent they are, from ever being hurt or damaged in some way, right? So we all have work to do regardless of how good or bad our childhoods were. But of course, if you do also have some bigger traumas or more evident traumas, things that you, that you actively know, like, definitely had an impact on you, then that's just an invitation for you to start doing the work to heal that and process it and go into it rather than running away from it. So with that being said, right, the, the first step is building the awareness around what it might be for you. What are these aspects of yourself? What are these hidden parts of your identity or your personality or your belief systems that you haven't been able to to yet shed light on or bring to the surface, because that's really what we're doing when we're doing shadow work, is we're shining a light on the parts of ourselves that we shove into the darkness. And then once you've built that awareness around what some of these things are, you just have to be willing to go deeper into them, to ask yourself more questions, to remember how it felt to be in that moment. What was going on for you? How were you feeling? And what did you need in that moment that you didn't get, right? There's this beautiful definition of, of trauma, which is trauma is not what happens to you, it's what you hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness. So it's not necessarily that, you know, it has to be some act or some big thing that happened to you, but it's more about the story that you created or the meaning that you inferenced, what you held inside in the absence of an empathetic witness, an adult of some kind that could hold space for you and say, tell me how you're feeling, what do you need right now? Or providing that type of like loving comfort, support, hugs. Whatever it is that you needed. Yeah, so going back to those moments and feeling into how it felt and letting those feelings flow, you know, I think that's what we're so scared of so often is if I feel these things, then everything is just gonna like get worse, you know. If I, if I feel how it feels to be left out or to be ashamed or to be made fun of or to be not pretty enough or not skinny enough or not good enough or whatever it is, right? Then, oh no, like, that's going to be awful and I'm just going to attract more of that into my life because now I'm being negative. And that's what we call spiritual bypassing— when we ignore our own experiences, when we, when we downplay our own experiences, when we dismiss our own experiences and feelings and pain because we are just afraid to go there or we think that it doesn't matter. And that is so often the story that I see come up for people in terms of shadow work, why they're not doing it, is because they, they don't think that what has gone on for them in their lives is, is worthy of shadow work, right? They're already just dismissing it as like, oh, but it's not that big of a deal, you know, that happens to everybody, or I'm over that, or, you know, I'm not upset about that, or it's fine, or I've moved on, you know, all these excuses that we put on top of things. And so I guess there's an ego aspect to doing this type of work and uncovering more of the aspects of your shadow self in terms of like getting over your belief system about what deserves attention and what doesn't. And what is worth working on and what is not, right? Because they're simple, simple, simple, simple little things that may, you know, as, as a conscious adult, you might be like, oh, that's insignificant, you know, like someone said this about me, but I know that that doesn't actually— that, that doesn't actually mean that that's how I am or that's who I am, you know, that's just the opinion of somebody else and I put too much importance on it. Yes, logically we can dismiss it that way, but if we don't actually go back to the experience of how it felt in that moment at that age and allow ourselves to process it and start to re-parent ourselves in terms of providing the, the help and support and empathy that we needed in that situation, then it's always just going to simply be there as the subconscious belief of people judge me, or people make fun of me, or I'm not good enough, or I get rejected, or making money is hard, or whatever it is, right? All of our limiting beliefs come from somewhere, right? They don't just like pop up out of thin air. They come from somewhere. So I would say shadow work, at least this awareness step of figuring out, okay, what are some of the aspects of my shadow self, is really about uncovering where those limited beliefs are rooted in, you know, where do they stem from? What is the potential origin of some of these things? And also looking at your patterns, you know, like if you're struggling to make enough money or to be in healthy relationship or to have close connected female friendships or to have a good relationship with your mom or your dad or whatever, wherever you're struggling, like, look at your patterns there. How do I show up in these situations? How do I show up in this relationship? How do I approach conflict? Well, how do I respond when my mom does this or when my sister says that? You know, whatever the, the areas of your life are for you right now that you feel like are a challenge, that's a great place to start and really look at, okay, and what is my 50% of this challenge, right? Nothing is ever completely 100% our fault, but we do have to take 100% responsibility for our 50% of the equation. So in the areas of life where you feel like things aren't really working or there's conflict or there's struggle, start to ask yourself, you know, what is— what is the role that I play in this? What is my pattern here? How do I show up and how does that make me feel? And what about this do I not like? And where might this come from? Yeah. Why do I not share my voice? Why do I not stand up and say what I want to say or share my opinion or assert myself and say, no, I don't want to go there, I want to go here? Or no, I actually don't agree with you, I don't believe that. Why don't I do that, right? Why have I quieted myself? Why am I making myself small? When is the first time that I can remember having an experience like that? I may not be able to pull out the very, very first time because I don't have a full, complete log of everything that's ever happened. But if I just sit with myself for a second and I think, what is the first time that right now I can remember Feeling like it wasn't safe for me to share my voice or stand up for myself or have an opinion or be loud or whatever it is, right? This is just one example. And just try and start to build awareness around these different aspects of yourself by doing this process. Yeah, I hope this is making sense for you guys. Another thing that I want to chat about is, well, actually, I wanted to share first, I wanted to share this little excerpt with you from a part of my program, From Burned Out to Badass. So this is just a little part of one of the, one of the worksheets around expectations. But I thought this connected so well with what we're speaking about right now. And I talk about this idea that, you know, more often than not, what we're desiring for other people to change or what we're— how we're expecting them to be or show up is a reflection of something that we would like to change within ourselves. And I'll explain this in a second, but this is a great part of starting to uncover some of your— of your shadow self is looking at where, where do you judge others? And what are the behaviors of other people that really, really like grind your gears? They rub you the wrong way. It really bugs you. Like, what does your partner do or your sibling do or your family member do or something that you're like, oh my gosh, like this just pisses me off to no end, right?

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And also thinking about where you judge yourself. Judgment is a great place to begin in order to dive into shadow work. So where you judge others and also where you judge yourself. But let's, let's unpack this idea here for a second of when we're expecting certain things from others in terms of their behavior or words, reactions, achievements, abilities whatever it is, right? We have these judgments or expectations of others. It's important to remember that more often than not, what we desire for others to change is a reflection of something that we would like to change within ourselves. So this is, this is really important. And I'm going to give you an example of how this showed up for me. I'm going to read it for you here just from this, this expert, excerpt from the program. I often express to my boyfriend how it bothers me that everything we do has to be done on his timeline.

This is my perspective, of course.

If he wants to go grocery shopping, he decides that 2 PM is perfect for him, so we're going at 2 PM. If he wants to make lunch, we need to make it now. If he wants to work out together, it can't be in the morning because he's too tired, but it can't be too late in the day either because he'll get impatient and lose the motivation. So a few weeks ago, he asked me if I wanted to do a HIIT workout together at home with him, and I said yes. I went to change my clothes, pull my hair back, grab my shoes and yoga mat, etc. 10 minutes go by and he's now annoyed, saying to me, are you ready yet? I'm just going to start without you. I was triggered. I already felt like in the relationship we did so many things on his time, when he decides so this really bothered me. For some added context, we were in quarantine. We had no other plans for the day, nor could we even leave the house if we wanted to. So I ended up raising my voice with him, saying, you have nothing else to do. We can't even leave the fucking house. Why are you always rushing me? We do everything on your time when you want to. It's so unfair and I'm sick of it. And while I see the logic in my argument— clearly biased— and you may also be able to see the logic in my argument. I was reminded of this idea that what we desire for others to change is often a reflection of something that we would like to change within ourselves. So I sat with that and I thought, wow, this sucks, but maybe it's true. As much as he expects me to do things when he's ready I also expect him to wait for me and do things when I'm ready. So we're kind of doing the same thing, right? He expects things to be done quickly or on his time, and I expect things to be done casually without rushing on my time. Perhaps my desire to change what I perceived as his inability to be flexible is also an indicator that I'd like to become more flexible myself. Everything doesn't always have to be my way, the same way it bothers me when I feel like he wants everything his way. Mind-blowing, right? It was for me. So I wanted to share this with you guys because I think this is just a really good example. Of what we're talking about, and one of the ways in which shadow work really allows us to take radical responsibility and call ourselves out. You know, there's this loving, compassionate side to it, of course, of looking back on our experiences and our traumas and things that happened in our childhood, and when we didn't receive the love, attention, support, or guidance that we needed, and going back to those moments and feeling those feelings that need to be refelt and processing and then reparenting in terms of showing up as the parent that we needed in that situation to provide love and compassion. But then there's also this like tough love side of shadow work, which is like, you know, like, what is— I need to like, you know, break through my own bullshit in a sense, you know, like this example of me and my boyfriend and this, you know, back and forth that we have because this is like a regular frustration for us. I would say we're getting better at it, but when I wrote this, it was like a regular frustration for us. We would always be kind of like annoyed with each other that like, you know, he wanted things done his way and I was like, why can't you be like more chill? Why can't you be more relaxed? Like, you have nothing to do. Why are we always in a hurry? But that was also me wanting things done in my way. I wanted things to be casual and chill and flowy and without a timeline, you know. So we were both like going head to head of wanting things our way. But I showed up to those conversations being like, we do everything the way that you want it and you always want things your way. But like, I also want things my way, which is why I was upset by him wanting things his way, right? So kind of calling yourself out and being like, all right, I see this as a pattern. What is going on here? And what about this person's behavior is something that may be being reflected back to me as like this mirror to show me where work needs to be done within myself, right? Where is the radical responsibility? And so whenever we're dealing with a pattern or something that— or behavior of some kind, a reaction of some kind, a tendency of some kind that we no longer really want to entertain, cuz we recognize that it's probably not our best quality or trait or something that we wanna continue to do, we have to also ask ourselves, what is the payoff of this pattern? What is the benefit that I get from being this way or doing this thing, right? So this could even be things with like procrastination or dating things or how you respond to conflict or being really fiery and reactive and argumentative. Like, any— it goes for anything at all. What's the payoff? What's the benefit of you doing that thing even though you consciously know this isn't my best behavior? I would like to change this. We have to like think about, but what do I get from doing this behavior or pattern, right? Because we get something. And a lot of the times I, I was listening to, um, Aaron Dowdy. I don't know if you guys follow him on YouTube, but he was talking about a lot of the times, uh, a payoff that we get from our own negative behaviors is getting to prove that we are right. Is feel— the feeling of being right. This is one of the, the highest rewards that we seek. Is feeling like we're right. And this can, this can lead into a lot of, a lot of negativity, a lot of victimhood. You know, like, the world is unfair, and I'm this way because blank happened to me, and my ex cheated and that's why I can't trust, and oh, they're so rude, and, or, and they're so disrespectful, and they did this and they said that, and No one respects my time and I can't afford it because it's ridiculously expensive. Or, you know, whatever things that may come through when we're essentially fighting for our limitations, we're proving to ourselves why we're not where we want to be, right? Why we're not in the abundance, why we haven't started the business, why we're not in a healthy relationship, why we're not happy. Because the world is unfair, because this thing happened to me, because my ex cheated, because people are rude, because no one respects my boundaries, because things are too expensive, because yada yada yada yada yada, right? It like, it, it, um, it sends us into victim mode and it leads us to defend some of our greatest limitations. And there's that quote that's like, if you fight for your limitations, you get to keep them. And so this is where uncovering these shadow aspects of yourself can be really, really transformational, because you're going to stop fighting for your limitations. You're going to stop trying to prove your limiting beliefs, right? Yeah. Like when we create these justifications for why we are the way that we are or why we are where we are in life, in order for us to have that payoff of feeling like we can be right or feel validated for where we're at. We don't actually have to face the parts of ourselves that need fixing or healing or changing in order to move forward. So that's another thing that we get right in terms of the payoff. It's like, oh, well, we get to just stay where we are. We get to keep doing what we're doing. We get to take the easiest route possible. We get to take the road most taken because we've done it a million times before, right? So also, in the— when you're looking at these areas of your life that you're— that is a challenge to you right now, you can ask yourself obviously the question that we just talked about in terms of like, what's the payoff? What do I get by continuing to do this, right? What's the quote unquote benefit of this pattern or behavior of mine? And then you can also ask the question of like, what part of me doesn't actually want this? So whatever the goal is, right? The relationship, the job, the money, the successful business. What part of me doesn't want it? Because we rarely think about that. And you may even be like, no, I definitely want it. There's no part of me that doesn't want it. I definitely want freedom and money and success and abundance and love and joy and all the things, right? But this is where we get to go a little bit deeper and really question ourselves and call ourselves out and be like, well, what part of me doesn't want it? It, you know, because I'm getting something from being where I am. I'm getting something that's benefiting my sense of safety from staying where I am. So there may be a part of you that says, I want a relationship, I want a relationship, I want a relationship. But then when you think about what part of you doesn't want it, it may be that part of you that doesn't want to potentially be rejected, that doesn't want to go through the pain of a breakup, that doesn't want to have to put yourself out there or use your voice or show your body in some way. You know, you may be protecting yourself from further pain or hurt or disappointment by saying that you want a relationship and going through the motions of quote-unquote wanting a relationship, but at the very same time time you are below the surface sabotaging you actually getting the relationship that you say that you want, because there's a part of you that doesn't want it. There's a part of you that doesn't want to be open to the pain or rejection or uncertainty or doubt or vulnerability, right? So you By staying where you are and by continuing to do what you're doing, you get to stay safe. You don't have to do hard things. You don't have to change. You don't have to make an effort. You don't have to become committed to your own evolution. You just get to ride the wave of your autopilot life And that, for your nervous system, is really, really safe. It feels good. Which is why, you know, we always talk about getting out of the comfort zone, because if you're in a place that feels really, really good and everything feels flowy and everything feels easy, then it's probably time for you to do something new, you know, for you to dig a little bit deeper. For you to break out of some of those patterns or shells and, and start upleveling and ascending into that next level, right? So yeah, like asking yourself, what is the payoff of my pattern? What is the payoff? What do I get from continuing to do what I'm doing and continuing to believe the things that I believe. Right. And remembering that a lot of times the biggest one is that you get to prove yourself right. Yeah, you get to prove your subconscious beliefs right. Because the interesting thing about the subconscious is that your subconscious mind will never make you a liar. And here's what I mean by that. If you believe something to be true, you know, that money is hard to come by, or that all men are douchebags, or love is hard to find, or—

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You know, uh, success is, um, rare. You know, just trying to think of some, some off the top of my head. If you believe that, whether you consciously believe it or it's ingrained subconsciously because of things that you witnessed or experienced or absorbed through your programming as a child, your subconscious mind will work to make sure that you, that you see that as true, right? So it will scan your environment constantly for things that allow you to see that belief as truth. And this happens whether it's a positive belief or a negative belief, which is why it's so crazy powerful. To do the work to rewire your beliefs because your subconscious doesn't want to make you a liar. So if you believe that all men are douchebags, you will be scanning the environment and you will consistently see examples and reasons and anecdotes and stories and things that prove to you that, yep, you're right, all men are douchebags. See, look at that guy. Look what happened to my friend. Look at this. Look at how he just said that. Look at this message. Look at this tweet. Look at this thing. You're going to see it all around. You're going to see it everywhere. And then it's going to reinforce the belief and you're going to become stronger in that belief and your subconscious will continue to scan for you, right? This is what our reticular activating system does in the brain. I teach this to my clients. But what about if it's a positive belief? What if it's like, oh, my favorite, everything is always working out for me? What if you have that belief so deeply ingrained in your subconscious and now your reticular activating is scanning and looking for things because this is familiar? Now we know this. To be true, that everything is always working out for me. So we're scanning the environment to find examples and proof of that, and we're like, oh my God, look at how amazing my, you know, my Uber arrived exactly at the right moment that I needed it to, or traffic isn't too bad today, or, you know, her, like, my coworker, like, left me something on my desk that was really nice, or this is so perfect, or this is actually working out, or things are going well, or I have this thing later that I'm looking forward to, or Oh my gosh, how perfect that this ended up like this. Or what a perfect coincidence that you're free when I'm free. And like, you know, you're just like, you're seeing all these little tiny random reasons for you to prove to yourself that you're right, that you're right. Everything is always working out for you. So this is the work that we want to do by uncovering more of our shadow self and doing the deeper work and rewiring our neural pathways so that we can have more positive beliefs. Because like I said, you know, your subconscious is never going to make you a liar. And that can be really, really, really, really damaging if you've got lots of negative beliefs going on. But it can be really, really crazy impactful and powerful if you've got lots of positive beliefs going on because you're just recycling it over and over again. You're seeing the proof everywhere. You're seeing money show up for you. Opportunity, possibility, love, expansion, joy, acceptance. It's everywhere. Because your subconscious mind is scanning for it for you. It's like, all right, this is what we believe and I can't make her wrong. So here's all the examples, here's all the evidence, right? All of this stuff may be happening simultaneously in the world around us. There's millions of pieces of data that we could potentially absorb at any given moment, but we're only absorbing the, the pieces of data or information, the sensory information that aligns with the the filter that our reticular activating system in our brain has created. And so a large part of the work that I do with my clients is making sure that we are getting that filter, that filtration system, in tip-top shape, right? We're rewiring those beliefs and we're creating positive belief systems so that our reticular activating system works for us, it helps us expand and create more beautiful things in our life rather than continue to kind of drag us into this negativity or tear us down. Yeah. So this is super, super, super powerful stuff, you guys. Like, this is— how cool is it that this is something that we can do? You know, I think if anything, you know, don't feel discouraged by recognizing that there's work to be done or that there's beliefs that you want to shift and change. Like, we all have that, you know, always, like, always, forever and always. We're continuing to do the work and evolve and go deeper and unpack and peel back the layers and build more awareness and feel it to heal it. And, you know, take radical responsibility for what we're, what we're doing and how we're acting and how we're showing up. And, you know, like, we're always We're always doing this work forever and always. So don't be discouraged by that. Like, I would rather have you listen to this message and be like, wow, that is so fucking cool that I have the power to start to take back the control of the narrative and actually reprogram this part of my brain that can help me, you know, massively exponentially improve my life and the way that I see the world around me. Like, that is really, really so incredibly cool that we have the power to do that. So I hope this episode was helpful for you guys in understanding a little bit more about your shadow self, what might be coming up for you. I encourage you to take any of the prompts or questions or examples and things that I've talked about in today's episode and write them down and just turn them into like exploratory journaling prompts. And just go there with yourself. Like, that's a really great place to start, is to take some of the questions that I asked, some of the examples that I, that I gave, and just think about how it shows up for you in your life and ask yourself, you know, how is this relevant to me? Where does this resonate for me in my life? What is my pattern right now? Where am I experiencing resistance or challenge in my life? And what is the payoff of me continuing to show up in that way? What do I get from doing that? What part of me doesn't actually want this goal or this thing that I keep saying that I, that I so desperately want, right? So if you wanna go deeper with this work, I would say write some of this stuff down that we've talked about today and just use them as open-ended opportunities for you to journal and write and and explore the depths of your own mind and uncover some of these parts of your shadow self that you get to work on, right? And I think that's the best way to look at it, is not, I have to do this and it's so hard and it's so painful and it's so deep and it's so sad and raw and ugh. But it's like, I get to do this. I get to do this exercise and I get to feel these vulnerable feelings and hold space for myself, because that means I heal and that means that I create a belief system that promotes me living a life that I'm actually in love with and aligned with. Okay, I'm going to leave it there. I love you guys so much. Thank you for tuning in. If you enjoyed this episode, if you learned anything at all, please screenshot it, share it to your stories, and tag me at Samantha Daily and the podcast Makeshift Happen Podcast. And if you're feeling extra generous, you can always go over to Apple Podcasts and leave us a 5-star rating and a little review. We appreciate those so, so much. They help us grow the show. So thank you guys so much for tuning in, and I will catch you next week. Have a beautiful day. I love you so much. Talk to you soon. Bye!