How to Go From Hyper-Masculinity & Toxic Relationships to Self Love & Feminine Flow w/ Kel Cal

What's up, you guys? Welcome back to the podcast. You are in for a treat today because I am joined by a past client of mine, Kel, who has one of the craziest transformations I have had the pleasure of witnessing. In 2018, Kel decided to finally escape her emotionally abusive marriage to a narcissist, say goodbye to what looked like a fairy tale life on the outside, and move across the country to start again from zero. Today she is a women's empowerment coach living full-time in Bali and just published her very first book. But of course, there was a lot that went down between then and now to make all of this possible. Kel first contacted me in January of 2022, wanting to really go all in on building her online business. But neither of us knew at the time everything we would begin to unravel while working together privately. It turns out a lot of mindset work, self-compassion, and deep healing was required before the business could even take center stage. Kel later went on to join Abundant and Ambitious Mastermind and then also attended the Dream Life Immersion Retreat with us in the Dominican Republic in December of 2022. So after a full year of working together, she then decided to make her boldest move yet. She packed up her life once again, left her real estate business behind, and moved to Bali on a one-way ticket. Kel is here today to tell her riveting story of courage, healing, and triumph, with the hopes that it will help other women be bold enough to ask for what they deserve and start creating the life they've always dreamed of. Keep listening if you're ready for some major inspiration and to potentially have some of your own blind spots revealed. All right, let's get into it. Welcome to the Makeshift Happen podcast. I'm your host, Samantha Daly. Entrepreneur, life coach, and your no BS bestie here to bring you all things mindset, manifestation, and personal development. This podcast is designed to help you expand your mind and uplevel your life. So turn the volume up and roll the windows down if you're coming along for the ride. Let's go make shift happen. Welcome to the show, Kel. I'm so excited to have you. I was just saying we probably need to do a whole other call to do a catch-up because your life is changing so rapidly, and it has been for the past couple of years. And I was just thinking about this before we started recording. I was like getting ready and I was like, Kel's transformation is really one for the books because I truly feel like you are a completely different person than you were a few years ago. Even since I met you, I feel like you've evolved and changed so much. But if we were to go back even further from that, like just to see your intense evolution and all these new iterations of yourself that you've uncovered. It's really wild, totally different version. And it's just crazy. I mean, you're living in Bali now, you're running your business, you just released your first book, which is crazy. But life looked so different a couple of years ago. Like you used to be a realtor, you used to live in Florida, you used to be married, you used to be this super like rigid fitness-obsessed individual. Like I just wanna start with you kind of taking us back a little bit to the origin story, and then we can kind of walk through everything that has transpired since then.

Yes. Yeah, amazing. And Sam, it is such an honor to be here with you. I'm so excited to connect with you and your listeners today. And my transformation has been dramatic as fuck. I look back at past versions of myself and I'm like, wow. And I feel like I have lived so many lifetimes in this lifetime. So let's start at the beginning when my journey first began. So back in, let's just say circa 2018, I thought I was living my dream life because my life looked really good from the outside. I lived in sunny South Florida in this home that was remodeled to perfection and paid off, and I had a successful business and money in the bank, and I drove a Porsche and had six-pack abs, and I had all the things. And inside, I was miserable. And I knew that the marriage I was in was not healthy. I didn't realize how toxic and abusive it actually was until I left. But my life was this massive contradiction because it's like I got all the things, I have everything that I thought would make me happy, and yet I am not happy. And not only am I not happy, I felt like I was drowning and dying inside. And that's because I was. My soul was being suffocated because I was not living in alignment with my truth and I was settling for so much less than I deserved in every aspect of my life. So in March of 2018, I took what was supposed to be a 2-week trip from Florida to Washington State to visit my sister. And it was on that trip that I committed to the decision I knew in my heart and soul I needed to make, which was to not only leave the marriage, but to move across the country and restart my life in every possible way. So that was the beginning of my journey. And my journey has taken any and every possible detour that there is. But ultimately those were lessons that I needed to learn in order to become the woman that I am today. And those detours look like developing pretty much every single coping mechanism that there is, including an addiction to exercising and being so rigid with my life and controlling every aspect of my life because I didn't trust myself. And I was using things external of myself to create that artificial sense of safety and stability. And my masculine and feminine energetics were in such a wounded place. And for the longest time, I was trying to think my way out. I was trying to think my way through healing. And healing, it's somatic experience. It's something that happens in your body. And I was truly unknowingly at the time bypassing the real deep inner work that I needed to actually experience the true changes in my reality. Because what happened was I moved to Washington. I'm like, this is my second chance in life. It's my journey of self-love and self-discovery. It's going to be the best thing that ever happened to me going through this experience and all the trauma and the heartbreak and the pain. And ultimately it was, but I realized I recreated the life I was living in Florida and Washington. And it was never about the then abusive, now ex-husband. It was about me. It was about the relationship with myself. And I realized yet again, my life is controlled. This time it's not by another person. This time it's by me. And that's when I really had the realization and the wake-up call that I am the common denominator in my life. And if I truly want my life to change, then I need to make those internal change.

Oh my God, so good. It doesn't invalidate the experience of being in an abusive relationship. That really happened to you and that wasn't your fault, but there is a radical responsibility that we get to take by looking at exactly as you said, like how we are the common denominator of these situations that keep being recreated. And it's kind of like that famous quote of wherever you go, there you are. And a lot of times people run or they create new things or they set bigger goals and they're expecting those things to make them feel a certain way. And they always end up a little bit defeated because they're just like, well, I still don't feel fulfilled. I still don't feel happy. And it's probably because there's something on the inside deeper that needs to be worked on. So I have so many questions. There's so many directions that we could go in, but let's talk about really quickly— you mentioned like your masculine and feminine energy being really imbalanced and that kind of rigidity that you had developed and how the addiction to exercise and routine was again a coping mechanism for you feeling out of control in your life in some way and trying to create that control. I remember like when we first started working together, you were still like pretty rigid in your workouts and doing multiple workouts a day, and your morning routine was like probably 2 hours long or something crazy. And I remember I I gave you the homework one time of just like sitting in the bath and I told you to cry, and that was like supposed to be something helpful for you. It was so interesting to like see you come back and be like, I really didn't think I was gonna cry. Like, I didn't think that was gonna do anything. Like, I kind of thought it was like a bullshit like assignment. But then you were like, I felt so much. Maybe that was like kind of where we started to pull back some of those layers and you were more embracing of like that feminine nature of yourself. Can you talk about how you moved from intense, you know, masculine energy to now, like, I'm seeing you in Bali and you're dancing and you're practicing yoga in nature, you know, you spend a lot of your day outside, and like, it's just a totally different, like, feminine-led lifestyle. How did you make that transition, and what was it like on both sides?

I think back at the version of myself that I was when we first met, and I am just laughing and also sending her so much love and compassion because she truly was struggling so, so much. And when we first connected, I'm like, I'm forming my online business, I'm building my soul-led business, and I thought we were going to do business coaching. And really, we did so much more just mindset and embodiment coaching, because that's truly what I needed at that point in time. And my life was so rigid, it was so controlled. Every second of my day was scheduled for and accounted for, like time blocks, everything. It was extreme. You actually gave me homework of Scheduling white space, just scheduling time to just be open and just allow myself to just do what feels right intuitively. And you also gave me the homework of crying in the tub. And when you gave me that homework, I'm like, this is bullshit. Like, what a scam. Because crying, like, no thank you. Feel emotions, like, I'd rather not. Like, hard pass. But I'm like, it's homework. And I still really was connected with the perfectionist and achiever side of myself from a wounded place where I was like, I have to do my homework, have to get straight A's or else. Or else what? I was not willing to find out back then. So you gave me the homework assignment of crying in the tub, and I'm like, all right, cool, I'll have a relaxing bubble bath and we'll just leave it at that. But when I actually gave myself permission and the space to feel— oh my God, it was actually concerning. Like, there were moments I will never forget. My first time crying in the tub, I'm like, oh my God, like, what's happening? Am I okay? Do I need to call someone? Do I need to be checked into a mental hospital? Like, the stories that were coming up because I was feeling so much for the first time in years because I was so disconnected from my body and my heart and all that I was trying to avoid because we feel with our body. If we're in our head, that's called thinking. And I was literally numb from the neck down. And that was a really beautiful coping mechanism that I developed for myself because it didn't feel safe. It didn't feel safe to feel the intense emotions that I was still holding on to from the past. And one of the ways I bypassed that feeling was an addiction to exercising. I was literally working out 3 times a day every day for years with no days off. And when you're doing that, your body is numb. So I truly was so disconnected from my body, from my emotions. And then you gave me that assignment and I felt— and it felt so good. I felt so much lighter after. And then of course, being in the hyper-masculine state that I was in still, I'm like, this is my new favorite thing. I am crying in the tub every day forever. It's getting its own time block. And then the next day I'm in the tub, I'm like, all right, ready, set, cry! And nothing happens. And I'm like, oh wait, okay, maybe this isn't how this works. Maybe it's just something that you use to connect with yourself as needed. But that really was one of the pivotal moments for me. And it was a few months after that where I canceled my gym membership because I realized how toxic my relationship with the gym had become. And I really committed to rebuilding and reconnecting the relationship with my body. And that really allowed me to begin the deep inner work of healing and feeling and releasing and healing the relationship with my masculine and feminine energetics and becoming more connected with my femininity.

When you look back on your past, do you think that you were kind of in that masculine, that like hyper-masculine rigidity for your whole life? Like, do you think you developed that as as a child, or was that something that you developed in your marriage? Like, when did that really come into play when you kind of did that work and connecting the dots and going backwards? Okay. So I have something I think you're really gonna love and your business is gonna love it even more. Do you wanna steal the strategy I've been using to seduce premium buyers and sell up my offers on Instagram stories? Chances are you're already posting, you're already making sales, but if your Instagram stories aren't working as hard as you are, you're leaving money on the table. Sold Out Stories is gonna teach you exactly how to change that so that you can sell out any offer at any price point. And even high-caliber coaches miss this because selling on stories isn't about how much you post or how frequently you show up face to camera. It's about psychological sequencing. And the way you're posting right now might be giving the premium buyers in your audience the ick. Documenting your day and hoping it builds trust, posting look at me content and calling it authority, sharing client wins as soon as they drop in instead of strategically weaving them into a story selling sequence ones designed to drive demand and convert sales. We both know that you're not here to learn how to show up more. You're here because you know your content could be converting faster and more effectively. Sold Out Stories is going to give you 5 high-converting story selling frameworks built specifically for premium buyer psychology. Inside, you'll get over 6 hours of deep dive video trainings, real IG story breakdowns, and live walkthroughs that show you exactly how to elevate your slides from authority building all the way to offer flow. In less than 10 slides. My clients have already been using these frameworks to pull 5-figure sales days while posting less. One client generated 14 premium leads from a single story sequence. Another sold out her event in under 6 hours with just 8 strategic story slides. No sales calls, no paid ads, just the right frameworks. You'll walk away knowing how to sequence for desire, transition into your offer seamlessly, and sell daily without ever feeling salesy. You already know your offer is incredible, so now it's just time for your stories to sell it like it is. Grab Sold Out Stories today and turn 10 slides or less into your highest converting content. Let's make your next story your most profitable one yet. Click the link in the show notes below and I'll see you inside.

It was definitely something that has always been a trend in my entire life, and I feel like for a lot of women, we have that pattern of hyper-masculinity because we exist in a society where we focused on achieving, on doing. That's just a side effect of being a woman in a patriarchal society. Everything is about achievement and doing. And growing up, I can still remember creating the stories and narratives of when I achieve, then I'm the good girl. When I achieve and get straight A's and I perform and do all the things, that's when I feel loved and accepted and validated by others, which then I feel loved and accepted and validated by myself. So there was always this underlying trend of external validation and achievement and doing doing and always being more. And it definitely heightened as I did experience trauma and I used it as a coping mechanism to compensate for the trauma that I was experiencing. So it definitely heightened in the marriage, especially as the then abusive, now ex-husband and I were building this real estate brokerage and really creating a business together. And then it amplified even more when I left the marriage and I was building my own business and also really just struggling and trying to navigate life using the resources that I had. And that was a resource that I had. It wasn't a resource that supported the vision I had for my life and living in alignment with my highest self, but it was one of the resources and tools that I knew to try to make sense of my current circumstances. So I leaned on it and I used it hard and it supported me until it didn't, until I realized that that had become my comfort zone and it was keeping me stuck and it was blocking me from actually becoming who I'm meant to be and living the life that I'm meant to live.

Was it scary for you when you started to loosen the grip initially, when you started to let go? Like, what was that like when you started to actually do the white space thing and when you left the gym membership? Like, was that— I mean, it sounds okay, amazing, but I imagine that it was way more than that.

Oh my God, it was terrifying. It was one of the most terrifying experiences in my life and it's still a journey. So when I left the marriage and moved to Washington to restart my life, I'm like, this is my journey of self-love and self-discovery. And I actually thought there would be like a finish line. I thought there would be a finish line and someone would truly hand me a trophy and be like, congratulations, you are this fulfilled, healed person. And when I found out that there is no end to the journey, I'm like, what a fucking scam. But now I'm like, oh, it's actually just this beautiful way of experiencing life where every day you have opportunities to learn more about yourself and to step into deeper levels of yourself and your truth and to embrace and love yourself even more. And then I began the journey of letting go, letting go of that artificial sense of control that we have because we're not in control of any of this. And we truly limit ourselves when we try to cling and control things because whatever plan we have, there's a plan much greater than our own. And as a perpetual planner, this was a very difficult truth for me to accept because I'm like, no, I need to know what's happening now, next, after that. I need Plan A, B, C, and D and all the plans. And I realized that no, there's a plan much greater than my own. And if I can just get out of the way and allow life to unfold, then magic is going to happen. And I knew this intuitively, but then actually embodying and living that, it's a whole nother— that's a whole nother experience. So it's something that I still have to intentionally choose every single day to be in that state of surrender. And when I moved to Bali, I'm like, okay, this is my journey of my journey of letting go of that artificial sense of control. And something really interesting happens when you declare to the universe that you're going on a journey of surrender. You have lots of opportunities to practice surrender. So there have been so many moments and experiences, especially here in Bali, where I'm like, this is my moment to trust, to trust in myself, to trust in the universe and the higher power that is, and to have that faith that no matter what is happening, it's happening for me. It might not make sense sense now, but I know I'm always being guided. And to really lean into that trust and to let go of trying to cling and hold on and control everything.

It sounds so beautiful when we say like just surrendering and trusting the larger plan. And you know, I think people listening to this can probably picture you like in a beautiful white flowy dress like frolicking on the beaches in Bali. But what we know to be true is that these opportunities to surrender are frustrations. There are things where you're like, goddamn it, it's like it's not working the way that you thought it was, or there's something happens that's really inconvenient, or, you know, the Wi-Fi is not working and you can't run your business. It's like those things where you're like, okay, surrender, surrender. And it's like Gabby Bernstein says all the time, when you think you surrendered, surrender some more, because there's always that like next layer. And I'm sure you've experienced lots of that throughout your journey in Bali. But I want to go back a little bit. I want to go back to the marriage to give listeners a little bit more context, cuz we're gonna talk about the book, How I Cured My Resting Bitch Face, and love the name of the book. I still remember our first ever phone call that we got on. I remember exactly where I was. I was still living in my apartment in Madrid, and I remember you were sharing like the names of your upcoming programs and your podcast, and I was like, this girl is so clever. She's so good with words. Like, this is so interesting. But I had no idea what that meant to you. And I was really curious to find out the story behind this title, How I Cured My Resting Bitch Face, cuz that's been a title that's meant something to you for a really, really long time. So it's cool to see it manifest now and come to fruition in the form of this book. That's a, you know, a beautiful story of, of your journey. But tell us like how that came to life and a little bit more about what that relationship was like and what your life was like at that time and how you ultimately woke up from that sleepwalking of, you know, just kind of going through the motions in an unhealthy relationship.

Let's start with the title. So How I Cured My Resting Bitch Face. Your Guide to Stop Settling, Fall in Love with Yourself, and Create a Life You're Obsessed With. But specifically how I cured my resting bitch face. This has been a theme in my life since the very beginning of my journey and definitely since we first connected. And it actually is related to the marriage itself. So one of the things that the then abusive, now ex-husband used to say to me quite frequently was, what's wrong with your face? Why do you look like such a bitch? And that could just be like literally any given morning, just how I would start my day. And at the time, my response was always the same. I would literally just like cringe and die a little bit more on the inside, but then I would always apologize and I would say something like, sorry, it's just my, just my face. I'll try to change it. I'll try to look happier. I'll try to be happier for you. And at the time, I didn't realize that there was literally nothing wrong with my face or even how I was showing up. It was more so that I felt I was responsible for the emotions and behaviors of another person. And I thought they were responsible for my emotions and for my behaviors, which is literally like the definition of existing in victim consciousness. Except at the time, I had no idea what victim consciousness or even consciousness even meant because I was just living programs and conditions from the past. It was on my journey that I realized that, oh wait, actually it was never about my face. It was because I thought I was responsible for somebody else, and that really was the theme of the relationship for me. I thought that giving somebody else my personal power was love. I thought it meant the more I abandoned myself, the more I'm showing up for another person, that that is love, that makes me a better partner. And I didn't realize, no, that just makes you abandon yourself. And I truly thought that relationships were a place to receive love. Love. And I now don't believe relationships are a place to receive love. I believe relationships are a place to give love. And that works beautifully when you have two people who have loving relationships with themselves, because otherwise it becomes a very toxic circumstance. And the relationships in your life are always reflecting the relationship that you have with yourself. So the person I was married to was my mirror. He was mirroring the relationship that I had with myself, my sense self-worth, what I believed I deserved. And it doesn't mean that I deserved or needed the experience, but ultimately I did because I needed to learn those lessons. I needed to see that the relationship with myself was what I truly needed to transform. But at the time, it just looked like my life was controlled. I tolerated judgment and criticism and manipulation and gaslighting and isolation, and it was incredibly toxic. And more than that, it was actually abusive because all abusive relationships are toxic, but not all toxic relationships are abusive. And for me, it was extremely emotionally abusive and controlling. But a toxic relationship could just be you are in a relationship with someone who is not aligned with your truth, who is not aligned with the vision that you have for yourself and your life, who is not aligned with the values that you have, and you're choosing to stay and abandon yourself yourself in the process.

This piece about like receiving love, and I feel like kind of what you were speaking to was like when people show up to a relationship thinking, what am I going to get from this? Like, what are you here to give me, essentially? And there's not that purity of wanting to pour in, and both of you focusing on filling your own cups so that they can overflow and pour into each other. That's challenging when you are in a relationship with a narcissistic person. And I think when people get into these kind of narcissistic relationships, it's very easy for them to feel like, oh, if I were just different, then this would change, right? Like, it feels like it's your fault. And that in part has to do with some of the abuse and the way that that narcissistic person can kind of spin things and always make it seem like it's your fault. And I think you felt that a lot, especially with even just the comments of like, what's wrong with your face? It's like, oh, I'm so sorry, like, I guess I'm making life hard for you, or you don't like the way that I am looking, or the way that dressing or the way that I'm showing up, and so I should just change. And so I'm wondering, like, because there's so many women out there, um, and men, but that have been in narcissistic relationships, and they can kind of get stuck moving forward in the world feeling like a bit of a victim. And I think a lot of your story and what you have to share, especially in this book, is about, like you said, it wasn't your fault what happened to you, but it was your responsibility to create changes so that you could experience better. I'd love for you to speak to that part where you realized, yes, I have been a victim of abuse and unfair treatment and all these things, but I'm not going to identify for the rest of my life as a victim and choose to live in fear and doubt and unworthiness. I'm going to step forward and do the work that's required so that I can have everything that I desire and deserve. How did you start? How did you about that? Like, what was that transition like?

When I first made the decision to leave the marriage, I was so determined that it was not going to be the worst thing that ever happened to me, and somehow it would be the greatest experience of my life. I viewed it as a second chance to create a life where I truly love myself, where I'm truly living my life for me and not somebody else. And I viewed it as a second chance to become a priority in my own life. But that being said, I subconsciously still viewed myself as a victim for what I experienced. I made the toxic ex-partner the villain, and I truly blamed him for everything that I experienced. But for as long as we are blaming anyone or anything outside of ourself, or even blaming a past version of ourself, we're outsourcing our personal power because it's about somebody else. It's about them. They're the ones. It's if it wasn't for mom, if it wasn't for childhood, if it wasn't for the ex. And we can't make changes when it's on somebody else. So it really took me taking radical responsibility for, oh wait, what are the circumstances and experiences internally that created this reality, that manifested this relationship? And the key for me was inner child healing, because we subconsciously recreate the relationships we have with our earliest caregivers in our romantic relationships specifically later on in life. And our subconscious does it as this way where it's like, this is our chance, we're gonna have a different outcome this time. But really we're just repeating the patterns from the past, which then reinforces the subconscious beliefs and it creates this loop and this pattern. So for me, I was looking for self-love outside of myself. I thought if I could love somebody else enough, they would love themselves because that's what I experienced experienced as a child. I always felt responsible for the emotions of my parents. And I think that's something that a lot of empaths and people that identify as a highly sensitive person experience. We feel so much that we really have a capacity to feel the emotions of others. And nobody taught me emotional boundaries. So I felt responsible for the emotions of others. So then fast forward to the marriage where I am in a relationship with somebody who does not have a strong sense of self-worth, does not have a strong sense of self-love, because those are the traits beneath the patterns of someone who is demonstrating narcissistic tendencies. They truly have such a weak sense of self-worth and a lack of self-love for themselves. And then I come around, or anyone perhaps who might be experiencing a relationship of these dynamics, and I'm like, if I love them enough, they're gonna love themselves. But meanwhile, I was just abandoning myself in the process. Process. So it really took tracing all of that to the roots, and the roots usually lead to childhood and healing those childhood wounds, because that's what real healing is. So often we think we have all of these areas in our life that we need to, to change and to heal. We have to change our and heal our relationship with money and relationships and our career and our body and all the things, but we don't. If we just look at the root cause of all kids, then we actually get to do the inner work that creates a different reality because it's all related. It's not like we have these isolated experiences in our life. Everything is related. And when we get to the root cause, which it leads back to childhood because that's where our subconscious programming is initially created, and that's where we create the stories and narratives that we then live and dictate our life. And when we can look at that and heal those parts of ourselves, then we get to heal them with our own love and bring them back to our heart. And that's that sense of wholeness and that feeling of completion and being enough that we desire.

Yeah, it's interesting, this idea of like, rather than having to heal all these like isolated topics and things, if we can really deeply heal the relationship with ourselves at the root of everything that maybe went on for us in childhood, then that is like the one domino that kind of then hits all the others and and it's like this beautiful ripple effect. So for you, what's been one of your favorite things that you've discovered or something that you've used in the inner child healing journey?

Truly just discovering and building the relationship with my inner child. And when I first like started to learn about it, I'm like, this is weird. Like, you want me to have a conversation and talk to a picture of myself as a child? Like, yeah, I don't know how I feel about that. Really. It's the version of ourselves that still exists within us and is carrying all of the pain and the hurt and all of the stories from the past, but simultaneously all of the love and joy and magic that children have as well. But that's all hiding beneath all of it, and our ego is truly trying to protect that inner child version of ourselves. Your inner child relationship is really the key to understanding subconscious and also the programming that is dictating your life. So when you begin to build the relationship, you get to understand yourself on a deeper level. So for me, just actually intentionally connecting with my inner child, asking her, what do you need? How can I support you? Doing activities that your inner child loves doing. My inner child, as a child, I loved to dance. And that means now I dance and I do things that actually brought me joy as a child, because that brings joy to our life. And the inner child version of us does not understand our current reality and is probably scared to death of the life that we are living, especially if we have big goals, dreams, and aspirations. So for me, even writing this book and putting myself out there meant I had to be seen, and my inner child had a fear of being seen, and that showed up subconsciously and created patterns of self-sabotage. Because every time I would go out, I create a program or do something, I would pull back because I was afraid of being seen. So it's really understanding the fears and understanding what your inner child is holding on to that allows you to step into that next version of yourself and actually live the life that you desire to live and do all the things that you want to do.

I'm sure Bali is like a beautiful place to express your inner child? How is— how has that showed up living there?

Bali is just such a magical, magical place, and it is a bit of a bubble because there are so many people that come here for healing, so many people that come here to live more consciously. And I remember when I went back to the US in December to visit my family for the holidays, it was like, whoa, I forgot, I forgot what it's like to live in a society that functions so differently. So it really is just this beautiful place where you have so many opportunities, and there's so much awareness on all of the things that are related to this journey of transformation, which is really what the journey of healing is. We can call it whatever, right? It's the journey of healing, but really it's the journey of transformation. It's the journey of returning to your truth and remembering who you are beneath all the stories, beneath all the programs, beneath the limiting beliefs and fears and doubts. It's a remembrance of— it's a remembrance of who the fuck you are and why you are here. But Bali definitely has lots of opportunities. I mean, literally, I had to create a boundary for myself in regards to how many workshops I'm going to allow myself to attend, because I could go to some type of energy healing or inner child practice or breathwork or a somatics release. Like, there's something always, always, and I I had to actually create boundaries for myself because I'm like, that can become an addiction as well. We can become addicted to healing and doing all the healing things. And it's like, at some point we need to give ourselves space to integrate and embody what we're actually learning and to not use it as something that we need to fix. This isn't about fixing ourselves. This is about just remembering and returning to our truth. And so often, and I know this because this was a pattern that I had for a long time, I approached the healing journey as a way to like fix myself. I'm like, I'm something that I need to fix, and I subconsciously viewed myself as broken or something that needed to be fixed. But really it's no, I am actually just using this because I love and care about myself so much, and I want to learn more about myself, and I want to discover parts of myself that are holding on to pain from the past. But it's not because I'm broken. We're not broken. We're not some anything that needs to be fix. It's just how can we learn more about ourselves and how can we support and honor ourselves more deeply.

I think you can feel broken without actually being broken, and that's a state that a lot of people are in, in the world today. And that's why everything that we're talking about here and that you've written about in your book and sharing your own journey is so important, because it helps other people see themselves in other people's people's experiences and realize, oh, like, it is possible, you know. It's not this, you know, mythical crazy thing to believe that I'm gonna get to the finish line one day and receive the trophy. Like, maybe that won't happen, but I can create a transformation for myself. I can feel happy more days than not. I can feel deeply fulfilled. One thing that I want to circle back on and kind of underline is, well, first of all, the healing— I call it the healing trap, exactly what talking about. I call it the healing trap, which is where it's like, oh, you know, there's always a new limiting belief, always something to heal, and we become addicted to this cycle of just more, more, more, fix, fix, fix. And it's important for people to become aware of that, especially in the self-development space, because you can sometimes do things that are unhealthy, but because they are socially acceptable or they look healthy on the outside, you're like, oh, I'm doing something great, which was the same thing that you experienced with the addiction to exercise, right? It's like like, oh, this looks really healthy, you're so disciplined, and you get rewarded for it, you get applauded for it. So it can be really easy to get into those traps. Some people, this happens with work, like workaholism and an addiction to work or success. People applaud them for, you know, oh, look at you, you're so ambitious, like you're such an inspiration, so admirable, like all these things. We take these unhealthy coping mechanisms and we put them into boxes that look good on the outside to society, and then we're like, oh, look at me, I'm doing this great thing, and it creates this healing trap of just, you know, we get stuck there. The thing that I wanted to underline was the idea of self-abandonment, because you mentioned that before, and that is such an important theme to talk about and highlight. So from your perspective, how did self-abandonment show up for you? What does it look like? If someone's listening to this and they're like, what does that really mean? Like, how do I know if I'm abandoning myself?

So whenever you are prioritizing something over yourself, you are abandoning abandoning yourself. Whenever you are avoiding any aspect of yourself, you are abandoning yourself. So I abandoned the shit out of myself pretty much my entire life because I didn't even know that you were supposed to have a relationship with yourself. Like, that was not intuitive to me, and nobody shared the memo, like, by the way, not only do you have a relationship with yourself, but it's the most important relationship that there is. So as I began to develop this relationship with myself, I realized I was abandoning myself because I was avoiding my emotions. I was abandoning myself because I was not making choices that honored and supported myself. So abandoning yourself has lots of different layers, and initially for me it looked like I was settling for much less than I deserved in a relationship. I was not actually living a life that was in alignment with what was important to me because I was prioritizing the needs of the partner I was with at the time. I was prioritizing his emotions, and I was prioritizing things external of myself. And then even as I began developing this relationship with myself, I was abandoning myself by avoiding my emotions. Because as I started to connect with my emotions and I started to feel the most beautiful emotions like joy and bliss and love, I'm like, oh, that's what I want to feel all the time. But simultaneously, I was still feeling emotions while trying to avoid feeling emotions like sadness and experiencing anxiety. And it's easy to love yourself on the days where you feel good. It's easy to love yourself on the days where you feel high vibe and, you know, people are buying the program or you get the promotion or you get the next date or whatever it is. But what about on the days where you feel like shit? What about on the days where you feel like you fucked up? Those are the days where you need your own love. The most. And those are the days that we try to avoid whatever it is that we're feeling. And I have since learned that emotions aren't good or bad, they're neutral. It's just our perception of them that gives them meaning. And sure, sure, more— some are more enjoyable and comfortable and we would prefer them over others, but emotions are just part of the human experience. And whenever we try to avoid certain emotions that we don't want to feel, we're abandoning abandoning parts of ourselves. Whenever we are making choices that don't honor ourselves, we're abandoning ourselves. Whenever we are on our phone scrolling Instagram instead of going to bed and honoring ourself and giving our body sleep, we're abandoning ourselves. And a lot of the time we abandon ourselves using coping mechanisms that we have developed as a way to protect ourselves. So it's this matter of really looking at yourself and getting radically honest, but from a place of curiosity and compassion, and looking at the patterns that are present in your life, the habits that you have, the choices that you're making, and asking yourself, does this support me? Is this honoring me? Is this showing myself love and compassion? And if it's not, okay, let me understand why I'm doing this in the first place. What need is this meeting? Because every action, every behavior that we have in life is driven by our emotions. We're either trying to seek an emotion or we're trying to avoid an emotion. And when we can create clarity in regards to what is the underlying need that we are trying to meet here, we can then actually meet that need in a way that supports us. So intentionally choosing to support ourselves and honor ourselves rather than just continue to live these various coping mechanisms and patterns that we created in the moment because we're reacting to life.

So good, so good. Yeah, we're either moving towards pleasure or running away from pain, and everything that we desire is because we think it's going to give us some sort of emotion. I definitely found that to be true in my own journey. I'm curious about the intersection of your healing journey and running a business, because I know that business is such a mirror to all of the things that, that we just talked about. It's It's like even more so we see it like popping up and we're like, oh shit. Oh, oh, like I, I'm abandoning myself here, or I have a need for validation there, or it all gets revealed in business. So I'm curious to know what that's been like for you. Hey, don't forget that every month we are picking a listener of the month to win $50 in cash just for showing love to the show. All you have to do is leave an epic review of the podcast. On Apple Podcasts, screenshot the review before you hit submit, and DM that screenshot to us on Instagram at Makeshift Happen Podcast. And that's it. I want to thank you for being such a loyal listener and show my appreciation by putting a little extra cash in your pocket. I know it's super easy not to do it, but every single rating and review seriously helps the show rank higher and reach new people, so we appreciate them more than you know. We'll announce the next winner at the end of the month and slide into your DMs if it's you. So keep an eye out and good luck. Love you guys and thanks for supporting Makeshift Happen.

Oh, that has been a journey in and of itself, and it truly is. The experience of creating your soul's business and being an entrepreneur is very much a spiritual journey, and it has taught me so much about myself and life. And it really is a mirror, as all things are. So initially it showed me yet again how much I was attaching my sense of self-worth to things outside of myself, and I needed that validation. I needed other people to either be buying a program, and if they weren't buying a program, I made it mean something about myself, and it just perpetuated shame cycles and spirals. So it really allowed me to see the patterns that I was living subconsciously on a deeper level, looking at how my self-worth was attached outside of myself, looking at how I was still craving that external validation, looking at how I was not showing up authentically because I was trying to be who I thought people wanted me to be rather than allowing myself to be myself. And people don't want some perfect version of you. They want you. They want the real you because that's how you get to share your gift and create your impact. But for the longest time, I was letting patterns of perfectionism, of feeling like I needed to be this perfect version of myself in order to feel liked, loved, accepted, and connected, even in my business, even with the people I felt called to support and serve. But there was a disconnect because I wasn't able to fully connect with them because I was still just wearing these masks and filters. And I'm like, who do I need to be in order for you to feel like I can help you? When really I need I needed to be myself, because that's when we get to fully embody our power and we're able to connect with who we are here to serve and support. And that was a huge, huge, huge lesson for me, untangling that. And that right there goes all the way back to childhood, because when we experience childhood trauma— and we all have childhood trauma because we are alive, we're humans, we create our own unique experience of childhood, which means we create stories and narratives. And that's really when we begin to lose our connection to our authentic selves because we start to create filters that we feel like we need to wear and masks that we need to put on in order to have that sense of connection. So for me, I was looking at taking off these masks and taking off the filters and allowing myself to be seen, which means you have to see yourself. You have to be willing to see all of yourself and really truly accept yourself as you are in order for other people to actually accept you and connect with you so that you can create the impact that you desire to create.

When you said like going into business or like client relationships or even just showing up online kind of thinking like, okay, how do I need to show up? Who do I need to be in order for you to believe that I can help you? And then kind of realizing that you just needed to be yourself. I know you've talked about, you know, living in Bali and kind of having this realization of like being able to walk around without makeup and like taking off the filters, like literally and figuratively. I'm just curious if there's anything else, if there's anything else that's come up in terms of like that journey of dropping those walls essentially and really just like being your authentic self.

It has been such a journey. It truly has been such a journey in order for me to feel like It's safe to be me. And that was one of the key components right there, was creating that sense of internal safety so that I felt safe to be in my true authentic expression. And nervous system healing was a huge component of that because if it doesn't feel safe for us to be seen in our true authentic expression, we're not, we're not going to show up in that way because it truly feels like a threat threat to our safety. And your nervous system is going to come in and be like, no, no, no, like, that's not safe. That truly is threatening your survival because we still have outdated brains that think that there's a saber-toothed tiger coming out from the cave. But it looks differently now. So now when it means showing up as your authentic self, that can feel very threatening when in the past you had to be somebody else in order to feel that sense of safety. So actually doing the work to heal and regulate my nervous system and to reprogram the patterns in my subconscious that did not allow me to show up authentically because it didn't feel safe was huge. Because for a while I'm like, I'm trying, I'm trying to be me. Why does it feel so fucking hard to be myself? Like, it was such a conundrum. It's like, it feels like it should be the most natural thing. Just be your most authentic self. And I was literally like, I don't know how. I don't know how to be myself. And the missing piece was that sense of safety, because it didn't feel safe. It didn't feel safe to be myself. So the more that I created that internal safety, I was able to actually show up in my authentic expression.

Is— was that like kind of like a baby stepping, like playing with those moments where it felt like, you know, maybe, okay, if I go to the store without makeup on, like, people are going to judge me, or it's this fear of rejection or not being accepted or whatever, and then you just kind of like slowly ease your way in. What were some of the things that you did and tried that you can remember that felt edgy to you at the time, but now you're like, oh, I could do that, no problem?

So I can still remember the first time I chose to not wear makeup in public, and a past version of myself had a very strong attachment to my appearance. And still, like, I enjoy, I enjoy feeling beautiful. But I know that my beauty does not come from how I look, because looking beautiful is not the same as feeling beautiful. And my sense of self-worth was attached to my appearance, and I thought that I needed to look a certain way in order for people to like me. Now I can see if people only like me because of how I look, those aren't people that I even want to have relationships with because it's very superficial. But I can still remember the first time I actually chose not to wear makeup, and it was on my my first solo trip back in 2022. I went to Colorado to see Porter Robinson at Red Rocks, which is this beautiful outdoor amphitheater in Colorado. And Porter Robinson is one of my soul artists. I would literally listen to his music and just feel like it would cut my soul open in all the best ways. So I went to this show and I had an early flight the next day. And at first I was like, I'm gonna wake up early and do all of my makeup, contour, eyeshadow, all things because that's just what I do. I literally wore like the full face of makeup every single day. And then I'm like, I don't really want to do that. I kind of just want to sleep in and just see what happens. And I'm like, let me try it like as an experiment. Let me just see what happens if I don't wear makeup and see how people respond to me. And I actually had the most amazing conversations with people. I felt such a connection with other people and I'm like, oh, this is interesting. And that was kind of the beginning of of like dipping my toes in. And then I'm like, okay, maybe I don't need to wear a full face of makeup every day. Let me practice not. And every change I make in my life, I literally view it as I'm just gonna practice this, because we have to start to make these shifts, and they're not going to feel natural at first. Like, the edges are supposed to feel edgy for a reason, because you're expanding yourself and stepping out of your comfort zone. So then I'm like, all right, let me make these changes. Maybe I don't need to wear a full face of makeup every day, maybe I'll do like a tinted serum. And, you know, that was just the beginning. And I realized, you know, I had this fear of other people judging me and other people not accepting me. But really it was— wasn't about that. I was afraid of my own judgment and I wasn't accepting myself. So the more that I could see how I was judging myself and the more that I could lean into accepting myself— and why not? It takes just as much energy to dislike yourself as it does to like yourself. It's just you've been practicing one more. So just start practicing taking these steps towards allowing yourself to just accept yourself as you are, because you cannot make changes in your life if you are not accepting where you are. It's literally like a GPS. It's like, you know where you want to go, but if you're not accepting where you are, you don't have a starting point. You can't create that navigational route. So the same is with accepting yourself. And I just kept taking these steps because you don't get from A to Z, you go from A to B to C and you get there one step at a time. And I believe that's one of the reasons why people stay where they are, because it's like, oh, it feels impossible. Like I'll never get to where I want to be. But if you're looking at the whole staircase and how far you have to go, it's going to feel impossible. But if you could just take that next step and the next step after that, you'll end up where you want to be. So I just kept taking those steps towards practicing allowing myself to be seen, practicing accepting myself as I am. And I remember I had a friend, um, this was probably last April, so like April of 2023. She commented on the filters and she was like, I think it's interesting that you're preaching self-love and self-acceptance and all the things and using filters. She's like, I feel like it creates a bit of a disconnect with your messaging. And I was so triggered. I was like, what do you mean? I use the California filter because I love California. Like, that's the only reason I'm using the filter. And meanwhile, it's like, no, maybe, maybe you love California, but also it makes your skin a little smoother and makes your cheeks look a little bit more contoured. And I'm like, oh, okay, let me try it out. Let me try allowing myself to be seen on social media without a filter. And I'm not saying everyone needs to stop using filters, but for me, it allowed me to really step into my authentic expression and to literally and figuratively take the filters off and allow myself to be seen as I am. And to realize no one gives a shit about how you look. People care about how you make them feel. And I, for as long as I was making it about me, like, I need to look a certain way, I need to show up this way, I I was losing what it was really about. I was losing the connection to— no, this is about how I am serving and supporting the people that I am here to help. It's not about me. Like, let me take that off and really focus on what the mission is.

The point about the navigational system is so good. Like, how are you going to get where you're trying to go if you don't have a point on the map for where you are and you can't accept that? And it kind of made me think about, like, for anyone that's done EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique, or tapping, that's why part of that practice is always, and I choose to love and accept myself, and I choose to forgive myself, and I choose to love and accept myself, because that is like the root of how we actually create change. So I'm so glad that you touched on that. Just accepting— it doesn't mean that you have to love every single piece of it or not want to improve or not want to change. Can I honor and be in acceptance of where I actually am at? What's, what's actually going on for me right now. I love that so much. We worked together for about a year. We did some one-on-one coaching together that was meant to be business, but there was like a lot mixed in there, a lot of the healing stuff. And then you joined Abundant and Ambitious, which was fun. And then you were on the first retreat, which was incredible. And I still remember on that retreat was when you were like literally days away from moving to Bali. And that was just like such a magical kind of closure, I feel, for our year journey that we had had together was you coming to that realization of like, I'm ready for this next chapter. Like I'm closing things up in Seattle. Like I'm gonna do it. I just remember that call like vividly when you're like, so I'm moving to Bali. And I think it was actually like one of the, one of the other girls that was in Abundant and Ambitious that you saw, she was like living in Bali and it just like clicked for you of like, why can't I do that?

So 2022 was literally the The Year of Sam, and that was probably one of the most transformative years of my life. We had our first connection call on January 11th, 2022. I'll never forget it. It was 1-1-1, and it's so interesting because I had this like knowing. I'm like, I need to work with a business coach because I'm forming a business. The day before, I had a call with another coach and I just felt horrific after, and then I had the call with you and I felt so incredible, and I'm like, yes, she is my person. And that's how I I want people to feel when they have a call with me. I want them to feel inspired and empowered, not icky and cringy. So then we started our business coaching together, which yes, ended up being a lot more just mindset and healing. And then I joined Abundant and Ambitious, which was like the foundation for my business. And it was during ANA that I made the decision to move to Bali. And it was actually because of somebody who had done ANA with you previously. Previously because you had the guest expander calls and I was watching one of those and I was looking at this girl's Instagram and I could remember this moment like it was yesterday. I was sitting on my couch in my condo in Kirkland, Washington. I'm looking on Instagram and she's an online coach from the UK living in Bali and I'm like, that's cool as shit. She's building her dream business and living her dream life. And it was actually the same the exact week that I made the decision to fully transition out of my career in real estate and commit full-time to my soul's purpose. So I'm looking at her Instagram and I'm like, wow, that is cool as shit. And I heard this voice clear as day say, you could do that. And I'm like looking around, I'm like, who said that? And I'm like, wait, that's my intuition. And I'm like, I could do that. I actually could do that. So I'm like writing it in my journal, trying it on for size. I live in Bali. And I'm like, fuck, it fits. And I have ignored my intuition enough in life to know that I should never ignore my intuition. So I'm like, all right, I guess I'm moving to Bali. I guess this is happening. And there were only a few people I told at first because this is actually something I learned from one of my mentors, Wayne Dyer. When you are in the early stages of manifesting an idea, it's best not to share it with everyone because other people will trample your dreams because they're going to project their fears onto you, and it's like a seed at that point. So it's going to get trampled and it won't even begin to take root. It can just get suffocated. So I only shared this decision with a few people. I told my parents and I told the, the women in ANA. I'm like, all right, I'm moving to Bali, this is happening. And then I was on the Dream Life Immersion Retreat with you later that year in December, which was the most surreal experience. First of all, getting to meet after spending so much time with you that year in various coaching programs and then being on this retreat, which was all about really stepping into the vision that you have for your life. And it was this surreal moment of truly living my dream life as I'm stepping into this next version of my dream life. And then the very next month I moved to Bali and here we are now.

So crazy. I know. I feel like so much has transpired for you even since that. I would love to spend a couple minutes with you talking about the journey of writing a book, because that is a huge fucking accomplishment, and I'm sure a process and another mirror and all the things. So what was that like? You moved to Bali, and I remember you were doing all the things and you were super busy and you were going to all the workshops and all the healings and all the stuff, and then you were like, ah, okay, this is a lot. I need to set a boundary. I need to like actually build my life here instead of just feeling like I'm on vacation. All the time, and then you got into this process of, of writing your first book. What was that like, and what does it feel like now that it is literally— you can hold it in your hand, we have it here, and it's out in the world?

It's the most surreal experience because I've had this vision of writing a book for years. It was in probably October of 2022, a friend of mine who we connected through a podcast recording that we did, she introduced me to a writing coach. And as a coach, I truly believe in the power of coaching. Like, if you want to do something, find someone who's done what you want to do. Let them support you. Let them guide you. Could you do it on your own? Of course. But why not have the support and guidance from someone who has done what you want to do? Learn from them and actually let them support you on this journey. So I connected with this writing coach and immediately was like, yes, I'm doing this. The program was set to begin in March of 2023. And that was truly the one vision I had for my time in Bali. I'm like, it's my journey of surrender. I'm not going to have a plan, but I am going to write my book. So then I moved to Bali and it was approaching March, and I almost didn't do the program because the transition to Bali was actually very, very difficult for me. There was a massive period of just purging and releasing patterns that were no longer serving me that I was still holding on to and was not ready to let go of. And it was my first time living abroad, and I really realized how much I was relying on my external environments for safety and stability. And it was really difficult. And I can still remember moments where I'm like, I'm in paradise. Like I'm literally living in paradise and I'm miserable. So that was actually really challenging at first. And I reached out to my writing coach and I'm like, now is not the time. I'm gonna wait. I'm not gonna do it now. I don't feel ready. I'm already so stressed and overwhelmed. I'm feeling so much anxiety. And she's like, just come to the first call and see how you feel. And on that very first coaching call for the writing program, my soul was like, yes, this is it. Like, yes, yes, yes. And I'm like, all right, I guess I'm doing it. So it was a 12-week program. The first 4 weeks was all about creating the structure, essentially the masculine framework to support writing. So then the remaining 8 weeks was all about just having that space to just flow and have having the structure to support it. So I wrote my book in 8 weeks, and the experience of actually writing is a journey in and of itself. Like, it truly is not even about the actual outcome, it's always about who you become in the process. And actually having the experience of writing my book was so transformative. And then beginning the publishing journey and just seeing and feeling it become more tangible and real every step step of the way. And that's one of the best feelings that there is, is when you have that idea, that notion of, ooh, I wonder what that would be like, that feels like something I should do, and then seeing it come into 3D reality. It's one of the most amazing feelings that there is. And now actually having my book in the world, having copies that I could hold and touch— I had my launch party the other evening and it was just so magical and so surreal. It's interesting because because in my mind I've been a bestselling author now for years. So it's like sometimes I forget that it hasn't really manifested into this 3D reality yet, but this is just one step closer to that. And it's just such a beautiful feeling to know that my words are going to be able to impact other people on their journey. And it's just evidence of what's possible when you actually believe that it's possible for yourself. Because if you had told a past version of myself that one day you're going to be living in Bali and you have a book, I'd be like, no, what are you talking about? Like, put the crack pipe down. That's not possible. And it wasn't back then because I didn't believe it was possible. But that's what my journey is all about. It's about showing you what's possible when you actually believe in yourself. And it's the most beautiful gift to give is the gift of yourself and your truth. And it just feels so magical.

I'm so excited to read my copy. I can't wait to get my hands on it. And I'm just so proud of you. I'm so, so proud of you, Kel. I mean, as I said at the start, like, your transformation is one for the books. And I think something to highlight is that you've kind of mentioned too, is this idea of not being so obsessed with the finish line because there isn't one. And it's for the exact same reason that that past version of you would've never been able to fathom that you would be an author and that you would live in Bali and that you, you know, wouldn't have a gym membership. Oh my God. And, and, you know, and all these things, and that you would, that you would sell your house and return your Porsche and, you know, give all of that away and leave the marriage. And the same reason that that version of you would never be able to fathom how you're living now is the reason why we can't hold ourselves back just because we feel like the finish line is so far away. It's that experimentation, as you talked about. It's one step at a time. It's what would happen if I went to the supermarket without makeup on. Like, that literally is one step in the healing process. And all of those little experiments and little steps and little things that you do add up to a beautiful life ultimately. And now you getting to share that with the world and sharing your story. And I know there's so many women that listen to this podcast that they have a really important story to tell, and they have lived experiences that other people can learn from and lean on. So I hope that you're an inspiration for them of understanding that you don't have to be be somebody special. You don't have to be an influencer. You don't have to, you know, in order to make an impact and actually help change people's lives. So thank you so much, Kel, for sharing everything with us today, sharing your heart, sharing your experiences, sharing your book. Let everybody know where they can find you online and how they can get access to How I Cured My Resting Bitch Face.

Yes, so How I Cured My Resting Bitch Face is available on Amazon as an ebook and a paperback, and And there's also a companion guide that I created because I wanted the experience of reading the book to be more of an actual immersive experience and for the reader to go on their own journey of self-love and self-discovery as they're reading and learning about the framework that I use to transform my life by transforming the relationship with myself. So you also get access to the companion guide, which has journaling prompts and different practices and resources. And there are some very special bonuses when you purchase both the ebook and paperback versions. So that's available on Amazon. And I am on Instagram, I am @kellkell, and I also have my podcast, which you have been a guest on, which is Dear Dumb Bitch.

Hmm, so exciting. Okay, we will link everything for you guys in the show notes so that you can go check out Kell, give her a follow, grab the book, listen to the podcast. Thank you so much for being here, Kell. We will talk to you guys you guys next week. And if you know someone who you think would resonate with this episode, copy the link, send it to them in a text, let them know that you were thinking of them. And we'll talk to you guys soon. Bye!