How to Stay Stuck

What's up guys, welcome back to the podcast. I recognize that the title of this episode is a little bit weird, but I promise you it is all going to make sense by the end, so just stay with me. Welcome to the Makeshift Happen podcast. I'm your host, Samantha Daly, entrepreneur, life coach, and your no BS bestie, here to bring you all things mindset, manifestation, and personal development. This podcast is designed to help you expand your mind and upload level your life. So turn the volume up and roll the windows down if you're coming along for the ride. Let's go make shift happen. So I'm going to kick off this episode by reading something that I wrote almost 6 years, actually a little over 6 years ago at this point. So I pulled a caption that I wrote all the way back in September of 2017. So at the time of recording this, it's almost exactly 6 years old. And I've told you guys about this before, but this was kind of the time in my life where I started to really try and share more of my heart online. And I was blogging and I was writing more on Instagram. And I took this 30-day yoga challenge where we had to practice yoga for 30 days. And every day we had to post a photo of a piece or a moment from our practice and then write something from the heart. And so I was in this— this was towards the end of my 30-day practice, and it felt really vulnerable at the time because if you remember what the social media environment was like in 2017, it it was not what it is today, and posting every single day was really obnoxious. And it was kind of like that era where, yeah, like we were all really still using social media just to connect with people that we knew in our lives, and it wasn't as much this tool like it is today, at least, you know, so much so that people are building personal brands and businesses and TikTok and videos and all the things that are happening. So This is where I was at, at this stage in my life. But I was writing about the concept of fear, and I think it's a relevant piece that I want to weave into this conversation that we're going to have today about being stuck and staying stuck. And so I wrote this caption and I'm just going to read it to you to kick us off. But it started with the quote, "Everything you want is on the other side of fear," which is a super cliché quote. We all know it. We've all heard it. But I went on to write the following. I've always been the type of person who's afraid of making mistakes. When I was 6 years old training for competitive gymnastics, I vividly remember letting all of my teammates pass me in line for the tumble track because I didn't want to embarrass myself attempting a new trick before I knew that I had it down perfect. I did this again in dance classes and cheerleading practices throughout the years. I would pray not to get chosen in Spanish class if I hadn't previously prepared a perfectly correct answer to the teacher's question. I would waste so much time preparing answers in my head just in case I was called on that I would miss half the lesson. Basically, I was so afraid of messing up that I kept myself from even trying. I've even done it with jobs, avoided applying for a position because I thought I was underqualified or just not good enough. And studies show that many other women, disproportionately more so than men, habitually do this all the time. We read the list of required skills or expectations and think, I don't have X years of experience. I don't know what X means. I never used X software before. I probably wouldn't get hired. And we just let the opportunity pass. In Sheryl Sandberg's book Lean In, she tells women to ask themselves, what would you do if you weren't afraid? A few years ago, when I was applying and interviewing for jobs in Spain, I consciously kept that question in my mind. What would I do if I wasn't afraid? I'd probably apply for this job even though I have 1 year of experience instead of 3. I'd walk into the interview with confidence and I'd stop worrying about grammar mistakes and just do my best to complete the interview in my second language. And that's exactly what I did. Fear has this intensely convincing way of holding us back from manifesting our dreams, making us underestimate our capabilities and doubt our self-worth. So back in 2017, I made the conscious decision not to listen to it. Instead, I told it to shut the fuck up and get out of the way. And guess what? It worked. So I thought I would share this caption to start us off because I want to talk about the fear of change, as I know it's something that a lot of us face at many different moments and seasons of our life. But I feel like especially now there's You know, so much, so many of us that are in this kind of like millennial group, we're moving through lots of changes in our lives. I know a lot of my friends and I feel like we are hur— hurtling towards adulthood so quickly and we've kind of like woken up and before we even know it, we're 30 and we don't actually know who we are or what we're meant to be doing, or we have things on our plate that feel like we shouldn't have to have the, this level of responsibility. And people are moving through breakups and divorce and changing cities and realizing that maybe the thing that they studied in college isn't what they actually wanna be doing for work and wanting to change career paths or pivot their businesses. Tons of business owners in the space are wanting to adapt and pivot and change and move into a new niche and, you know, create a new audience of a different kind of ideal client. And there's so much change I feel happening for many of us that this is a relevant topic. Because whenever there's change, we encounter this sort of fear or doubt that inevitably comes up. And so what I want to share today is this idea that, you know, you don't actually— most of us don't actually have a fear of change because everything is always constantly changing. That's just life, right? Everything is changing every day, all the time. So we don't actually fear change in and of itself. What we actually have a fear of is intentionally changing something and it turning out worse than the reality that we're already putting up with. So you have a fear of things not going the way that you want them to go. You have a fear of failure or unmet expectations, but you don't have a fear of change. You're simply used to looking at change and imagining how things could go wrong or how things could go poorly, and then that creates this of like, oh my gosh, and what if that were to come true? Right? Because it's pretty generic for us to claim that, you know, we have this fear of change. That would mean that we can't change plans or change our schedule or change and go to a new workout class or change our style or change our clothes. And that's not actually what we are experiencing for the most part. So we have to get more specific with the language that we're using because it impacts the way that we're going to be able to view these current potential changes in our lives, whatever they are for you, and all of the future ones. So the question I want to ask is like, are you really afraid of change? Blanket statement. Or are you afraid of your parents' reaction? Are you really afraid of change? Or are you afraid of adjusting to a new environment, to leaving a relationship or a job or a city and losing people in the process? Are you afraid of not having friends? Are you afraid of not having recognition? Are you afraid of being seen as a failure or taking steps backwards in your life? What is the real fear beneath the change that you're wanting to make in your life? And in this space that I work in of, you know, the online world and building personal brands and online coaching and practitioners, you know, there's so many people, as I mentioned, who are wanting to pivot or change their services in some way. And I think, you know, if that's you, you're probably not afraid of doing the new thing, of offering the new service, of redoing your branding or changing your ideal client or who you're speaking to. You're just afraid of it not working and what that might mean about you and what that might look like from the outside and feel like on the inside for you. As humans, we are such creatures of habit, so I want you to think about what you are in the habit of. Are you in the habit of talking yourself into things, or do you tend to talk yourself out of things? Because as we come up against these, these seasons of change in our life where we want to be able to adapt and pivot and maybe try something new, we're gonna be faced with an opportunity to talk ourselves into things or talk ourselves out of things. You've probably thought to yourself at some point in your life, just to give an example that maybe most of us can relate to, regardless of what you do for a living or for work, you've probably thought at some point in your life, like, maybe it would be cool to have a different kind of job or to do something different. That's a really normal thought. We've probably all considered that. And if you're an entrepreneur, you've probably considered Many times what it would be like to throw in the towel and just get a regular job. Like we've all had these thoughts come up and I think they're normal, but it's about what happens next, right? So then what happens? What's the inner voice that comes in after that? For most people, it'll probably sound something like, well, I probably wouldn't make as much money as I do now. Well, I don't have enough experience for someone to wanna hire me for that. I didn't exactly go to school for that, or I don't have the right degree for that. I don't have enough qualifications or certifications for that. What if I did leave and quit my job and then I couldn't get another one? My parents might be kind of disappointed or confused. Uh, they probably won't be on board. That'll be an annoying, frustrating conversation to have. What if I can't pay my rent during this transition and I have to get a new place or move back in with my parents? People are gonna think I'm crazy. My friends are gonna think this is weird. What are my coworkers going to say? My boss is going to tell me this is a bad idea. It probably wouldn't work out anyway. And suddenly, in a matter of seconds, with zero real contemplation, research, or legitimate consideration, you've just convinced yourself that your ideas, your desires, your dreams, the changes that you want to make in your life are unrealistic and stupid, and you should probably just be happy and grateful for what you have. Like, raise your hand if this has ever been you. You've just talked yourself out of the thing that you're desiring and talked yourself into this false state of gratitude of like, well, it's not that bad actually. Okay, so I have something I think you're really gonna love and your business is gonna love it even more. Do you wanna steal the strategy I've been using to seduce premium buyers and sell out my offers on Instagram Stories? 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Let's make your next story your most profitable one yet. Click the link in the show notes below and I'll see you inside. Which, by the way, it actually is really bad when we do something like that because we take something really beautiful and really powerful, which is gratitude. And we use it as a weapon against ourselves and our desires. And that's what I call gaslighting yourself. When you cancel out how you actually feel, you can't— you try to cancel out what you actually desire. You try to make your dreams and goals and the changes that you want to make in your life feel crazy so that you can just force yourself into a state of gratitude. It's gaslighting yourself. Because your true desires— we talk about this all the time, right? Your true desires are the language of the soul. They're the language of your higher self. And fear, on the other hand, is the language of the ego. It's the language of your comfort zone. It's the language of your inner child who's trying to protect you and who has been taught and trained and groomed very carefully by society to never get too big or too loud or too ambitious or too creative with her life. And we are quite literally addicted to permission. We are seeking permission in every step of our lives and journeys. Is this okay? Does this look good? Are people going to agree with me? Do my parents think it's a good idea? Does this make sense for my career? We're addicted to the permission. And this is a lot of times what prevents us from making powerful changes in our lives, our routines, our relationships, where we live. The kind of work that we do, all of it. And if we think about, you know, where this addiction to permission comes from, I think a piece of that at least really has to do with our schooling and for the most part, how a lot of us were educated growing up because we've actually been trained to ask and require permission for basically anything throughout our years in school, which is why it then becomes so difficult and terrifying to branch out and kind of have the quote unquote audacity to think that we may in fact, in some cases, know what is best for ourselves, even if it's not what's best for everyone else, even if it doesn't make sense, even if it is risky, right? We've been taught to mistrust our own inner knowing in so many ways, in covert and overt ways. We have been taught to disregard our intuition because there must be someone more educated, more experienced, more knowledgeable with whom I can consult about this. My parents, my friends, my therapist, LinkedIn, Pinterest, Instagram, Google, literally anyone must know better than little old me. That's how we think a lot of times. Someone out there can definitely tell me what I should do, right? My friends know what I should do. My, my mom will know what I should do. What should I do? What do you think I should do? Someone out there should be able to tell me what I should do with more definitive knowing or confidence than my own. Like, how insane is that? When you really think about this, we're doing this all the time. I mean, how many of you only feel truly comfortable doing something when someone else tells you that it's okay or that it's a good idea or that they'll do it with you or that they support it or that they think, you know, it's smart or it's a good idea too. Even if it's something as stupid as the text that you're gonna send to a guy or which outfit you're gonna wear or how you're gonna sign off a certain email or, you know, just asking people like, does Does this look okay? Which shoes should I wear? Do you think my hair should be up or down? What should I respond? Is this okay? Is this too forward? Do you think this is too much? Bitch, what do you think? That's what we have to ask ourselves sometimes. Like, bitch, what do you think? And I see this so often, and I'm guilty of it myself too. I think we all are, of outsourcing our power to other people. When we want to create change in our life and we want to pursue things that are lighting us up or exciting us, or we have this inkling or this feeling or this pull or this desire of like, I think that would be really good for me. But then we go, wait, let me make sure other people agree. Let me ask and check, like, do you think this is a smart idea? Do you think this is good? Would you make this decision? Would you wear this? Would you say this? Would you invest in this? I mean, why do we have such little confidence in our decision-making abilities? We are so incapable of trusting our own opinion of what we like and what we want and what's right for us. And I think this is a huge problem. And so, you know, of course, every time we come up against a moment in our lives where we're faced with change, whether we whether we sought out the change or it's something that we're thinking of changing, or it's a change that we were involuntarily forced into. Someone else broke up with you, or you got fired, or something fell through, or things have changed and it was out of your hands and it wasn't your choice. Whenever we come up against these moments of potential or current states of change in our life, we're bound to have that sense of fear because we hate the unknown as humans. We hate the unknown. But the problem is we allow the unknown to be the reason that we stay stuck. And we outsource our desires, our intuition, our gut feelings to everyone else. And we try to— we try to make sure that we're stacking up and that we're doing the right thing and that other people think this is the path and the good way and we're doing things right and that it's gonna work. We are so addicted to the certainty that we forget that we have so many things at our fingertips that we could do that would help us get out of this state of stuckness. And instead we just kind of like dig the hole deeper by spinning our wheels and asking for everyone else's opinions and feeling like we want to try something, but then not doing it for whatever reason. And I think a lot of it is, like I said, not so much the fear of the actual change, but it's actually how we're relating to the change, how we're perceiving it. Whether it's something that you're actively going through, like I said, or it's something that you're desiring, that you're thinking about going after, but you're afraid to make that change. It's the way that we're relating to that situation that affects everything else. And that's going to be the thing that determines whether we stay stuck or we get unstuck. And so that's why this episode is called How to Stay Stuck, because I'm going to— I'm going to share something with you that I wrote and I'm going to give you some context beforehand so that you kind of understand why I'm doing it in this way. And essentially, it has to do with the framing effect. Which is a well-known cognitive bias in psychology. And there's a popular example from a 2006 study that was published in the journal called Science, and it kind of like illustrates what the framing effect is. And so the example goes like this. Let's say that you're in a casino and someone has asked if you want to play a game of chance. You're given $50 and you can either gamble it and take your chances at winning big or you can walk away and lose $30 automatically. But then your other choice is you can gamble the money and risk losing all of it, or you can walk away right now with $20 for your trouble. Which option do you choose? And so if you notice, both options are actually the same. In both scenarios, your choice is to either gamble or lose $30 of your $50, which means you end up keeping the remaining $20, but it's the way that they framed it. And so some simple changes to the wording around the question kind of trick you into looking at it as two different scenarios or two different options. So in the study that they actually did with this, it turns out that 62% of people chose to gamble when they felt like their only other option was to lose the $30. So they wanted to avoid losing and so they chose to gamble. But 43% of people chose to gamble when they were told that their option was to walk away and keep the $20. So essentially what it was is like option 1 is you either gamble or lose $30, and option 2 was you either gamble or keep $20. So you can see how option 1 is focused on making them afraid of the loss, whereas option 2 is trying to focus keep them focused on the gains. And it's so interesting that we're not actually as motivated by gaining something. We're way more motivated by the idea of potentially losing something, because that's what made people take a risk and gamble, was the idea of, oh my God, I'm gonna lose $30, even though the situation was completely the same, right? And so this framing effect, how we word things and frame them, whether it's in a positive way or a negative way, is a tool that's like highly useful in marketing and copywriting to help potential customers see something as more valuable or motivate and sway purchasing decisions. But you can also see how this probably comes up in our lives when we're faced with opportunities and changes or things that we might want to try. Are we focusing on the gains of what we're going to get, or are we focusing on what we might be afraid to lose? And when you're focusing on what you're afraid to lose, We know from human psychology that you're more likely to go after something or to take a risk based on this study because you'd rather take a risk than lose. That's more motivating to people. And we know that just already from the fact that, you know, the human brain is so much more drawn to negativity and danger, and we have that sort of bias because it helps protect ourselves. So negativity typically stands out to us more and is more motivating to us than positivity, which is unfortunate, but that's just the way— that is just the way the cookie crumbles. And so anyway, all of this to say, in an effort to motivate you to get unstuck or face some of these changes that you actually want to make in your life and not get paralyzed by the fear or get stuck in asking everyone else what they think, I decided to try my hand at using this negative framing for this episode. And that's why we're calling it How to Stay Stuck. Instead of how to get unstuck, which focuses on the gains of you getting unstuck, we're calling it how to stay stuck, and we're going to focus on the negatives. And I'm not sure how effective this is since I've already kind of given away the secret of it, or I've told you the frame. We've kind of revealed the framing effect. So I'm not sure how, how it's really going to land, but we're going to give it a go. So I'm going to share with you something that I wrote about how to stay stuck. And I'm using a negative frame to see if it lands differently than if we were to talk about it in a positive way of how to change your life or how to get out of a stuck situation. And I just want you to notice for yourself when I— when you hear me saying these words and reading these things to you, if you feel like it's landing firmer or different because this podcast, as you guys know, you tune in a lot, we talk about personal development, we talk about how to change your life, how to manifest things, how to uplevel, the steps to do this, all of that stuff. And that's all awesome, and it is also all a positive frame, and it's focused on the gains. So this is kind of just like a fun experiment, and I thought, what would it be like if I were to write like, uh, an essay or a poem or a caption or a blog or something that could motivate someone to make changes in their life and to break through this fear that might be blocking them by positioning it in a way that really highlights the negatives, that highlights the downsides, that highlights essentially what not to do. So this is the experiment. It was really fun for me to write, and I hope it lands for you. How to stay stuck. Live your life waiting, waiting, and waiting. Think often about all the beautiful, magical things you'd like to experience, but don't actually go after them because it's important to be responsible. Make your work your number one priority. Family, friends, relationships, and travel all come after that. Don't ever put yourself first. This way, people will remember you as being a loving, selfless woman. Listen to everyone else talking about meditation, breathwork, and affirmations, but don't actually practice it. You don't need that kind of stuff. Sacrifice luxury and pleasure so that you can save more. Seeing all that money sitting in your bank account will be worth it one day when you're old and gray. Be a skeptic. Assume that miracles aren't real and manifestation is a hoax. Convince yourself that if you can't see it with your own eyes, it means it isn't real. Never acknowledge how harshly you judge yourself. Believe that saying "I love you" in the mirror is corny. Keep your heart guarded. Never meet your inner child. Seek safety at all costs. Remember that when it feels scary or hard, it means it's a bad idea. Talk yourself out of everything. There's always a really smart reason to not do it. Always choose the cheaper option. Assume that the right time will come. See everyone who has something you desire as being better, luckier, smarter, or more capable than you. It will help you stay in your own lane. Accept the fact that it's just easier for them and you weren't built that way. Put your fate in everyone else's hands. Make sure that everyone around you approves of your path. Invest a large percentage of your time and effort towards making sure people like you. Don't trust yourself. If you can't find the answer within, ask the people around you who are living the opposite of your dream life what they think you should do. Remember that your parents are always right. Believe that you're not enough on your own. Focus on the fact that life is hard and the world is a bad place. The more you feel like a victim, the more likely you are to be rescued. Assume that all men are bad and then complain that you can't find a good one to be your life partner. Don't let yourself feel any more or any less than what others deem appropriate. Try not to burden other people with your experiences and emotions. Celebrate yourself quietly. No one likes a bragger. Ensure at all costs that your life looks good on the outside, even if it feels like shit on the inside. Don't stand up for yourself too much. It gets tiring. Shame yourself for caring about the thing that you think you should be over by now. Tell yourself it's not a big deal, even when it is. If you don't like your job, just find ways to be grateful for it. Starting over is never worth it. Stress out over all the time you wasted and let that be the reason that you keep doing something you hate. Obsess over finding love at the exact right time because if you don't, you might end up alone forever. Spend several hours each day mindlessly scrolling through your feed, observing other people's lives. Believe that what you see on social media is the full picture. Keep your phone next to you upon waking and going to bed. Scrolling will help you relax and feel more productive. Assume that no one else has problems or fears or failures behind closed doors. This will motivate you to do better. Trust the government and fully believe everything you hear on the news. If you want to be well-liked, don't question reality or challenge the status quo. Avoid challenging any of your beliefs. Never recognize that you've been conditioned since childhood. Move through life on autopilot and identify fully with your thoughts. Everything you think is real. Learn to disregard your intuition and make all decisions with logic. When someone treats you poorly, offer them a million second chances. Let others dim your light and slowly destroy the best parts of you. Be authentic, but in a moderate way. You don't want to come across fake, but you also don't want people to think that you're too much. Keep family and friends close to you, even if they drain your energy and make you feel horrible about yourself. These are the people that you love, after all. When you see people who have lots of money, assume that they are really, really happy. When people ask, how are you? Just say fine. No one really wants to know. Go to therapy a few times and decide that it's not for you. Never take responsibility for the role that you played in every relationship you've ever been in. Convince yourself it's always their fault. Avoid saying sorry and appearing weak. Decide to settle just in case. Copy what everyone else is doing. Let your Plan B be the reason that you never go all in on your Plan A. Never invest in yourself or take unnecessary risks. Spend lots of time learning about the thing, but never actually doing the thing. Be the person who always says, "Maybe later," or, "Next time." Don't seize opportunities right away. Assume that they'll come back around if they're meant to. Set goals, but only take tiny, reasonable action steps towards them. When things get hard, retreat to old patterns and tell yourself it's okay to quit, run, and hide. Avoid delusion at all costs and pride yourself on being a realist. Watch others live out your dreams and call it luck. Fail to recognize that little by little you created a life that you never wanted by living according to a contract that you never signed. This is how you stay stuck. So I hope you guys enjoyed this episode and this little experiment at taking a negative frame for staying stuck in your life. If this resonated with you or it made you feel some type of way, I'd love to know. Please take a screenshot of this episode, share it to your Instagram stories, send it to someone who you know will get this, who will understand, or maybe someone who you feel like needs to hear this message. Thank you guys so much for tuning in to the podcast week after week and sharing, rating, and reviewing. It means more than you know. If you are not following the podcast, please make sure that you are following or you're subscribed. This means that you never miss an episode and it also helps us so much. So I love you guys. Thank you for tuning in. I will talk to you next week. Bye.