Navigating Social Anxiety, Body Dysmorphia & Female Comparison w/ Victoria Niamh

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Let's dive in.

Welcome to the Makeshift Happen podcast. I'm your host, Samantha Daly, entrepreneur, life coach, and your no BS bestie, here to bring you all things mindset, manifestation, and personal development. This podcast is designed to help you expand your mind and uplevel your life. So turn the volume up and roll the windows down if you're coming along for the ride. Let's go make shit happen.

Welcome back to the podcast, you guys. I am so excited about this conversation because I'm joined by one of my friends, and Vic is here to talk to us about all things mental health, body image, self-love. And I know that she has so much goodness to share on this topic. So welcome to the show, Vic.

Hi, thank you for having me.

Yeah, it's been a long time coming. So Vic and I actually met because we were part of a mastermind together a couple of years, a couple of years ago now. And then we met in person in Tulum on a retreat for the mastermind. And it was so much fun to get to meet you in person because I feel like we have kind of twin flame energy. Like, we are very similar in the sense that we both love to be grandmas, but then we're the first person, like, out on the dance floor dropping it low. Mm-hmm.

We're both Sagittarius. I feel like we— like, what I loved about meeting you on the retreat and, like, just about you in particular was that you love the personal development and the spiritual stuff and all of that, but then you're also very just, like, normal. And I think for so long I was waiting to meet someone like you who was like me too, because I always felt like, oh gosh, I need to be a bit more— I need to use all of the, you know, spiritual language I didn't understand, and then I'm like, be a certain way. But then when I met you, I was like, no, like, she's my vibe. Like, we, we get each other. Like, we can do that, but we can just be normal people who love, like, shaking their ass and letting that coochie breathe too.

Yes, yes. I was just talking to our friend Susie about this recently, and we were having a conversation about how, yeah, like, we love the personal development work and we use a lot of the spiritual tools, but also, like, it's such a vibe to also be a real regular person at the end of the day. And she was just telling the funniest stories about, like, people that she's met in Bali and cuddle parties and, like, things where you're like, okay, this is like too far, you know, the people that you meet. And she's like, the spiritual men that just like look into your eyes and like, it's like so far where you're like, okay, but just like be fucking real, just like be regular. And so I love that we've kind of like found people like that exactly as you're saying, that you can lean on these tools and really love this type of work, but also just be your fucking self and you don't have to like be the person that has your hand on your heart all the time or is like moaning and ahhing and deep breathing and like you can still be spiritual while being yourself.

Yeah, I agree.

Yeah, I know. So, okay, and we were in the fucking— the breathwork on that retreat, you and I both were like rocked by that. I feel like we were like— I just remember coming out of that and we were both just like, like, so like balling eyes. I was so emotional, crying, like had such deep experiences. But then like later, you know, we could be like laughing and dancing and joking.

Yeah, but, but I think like that's the vibe and I think that's where we, we are so similar as people. Like we are both Sagittarius as well, which I think plays a part in it. But I think we, we are such like deep feelers. Yeah, I think when people meet us, they just think it's I don't know. Do you ever get that? I thought you was a bitch before I spoke to you comment?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was, that was like huge for me in high school. I feel like everyone was like scared of me until they met me and they're like, you're my favorite person.

Yeah, yeah, exactly that. Like, there's like the exterior, but I think we're just so ourselves. Like, there's no need to put the front on to be something else. But then we do feel so, so deeply. We were like the people who everybody least expected to be absolutely messes after the breathwork.

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I so agree with that. But yeah, that kind of like— I also think it's like the, the way that we're really authentically expressed can obviously come across as like having a big personality or having a lot of confidence, especially when you are like the first person on the dance floor. You're like kind of naturally like demanding attention like that. And then people don't expect that, like, really soft side of you to be, like, really ooey gooey and, like, emotional and, like, crying and sappy and, like, you know, really loving. So I love that, like, we share that kind of dichotomy. So you're my person.

Yeah, me too.

Okay, so I thought it would be fun because I love this story. If you could tell us the story of how you met your partner, Mike. I just like, I just think this is like such an epic story and there's so many girls that'll be like, yes, like, okay, so, so is everybody ready?

I don't think they are. So we basically, I had an ex-boyfriend and I was with him while I was doing bikini competing. It's like, I'm sure we'll talk a little bit more about that, but it's like a bit of a crazy time. In my life. And when you are bikini competing, you're very much— you're very, like, self-obsessed. So you don't really have time or space for anybody else in your life. And I was with this guy who, like, he wasn't my life partner. He was— he, like, served a purpose in my life at that time. But I wasn't, like, sleeping with him or anything like that. I had zero libido and placed all of my focus on food and workouts. And, um, after I finished my last competition, this guy who we mutually know told me that my— that my boyfriend at the time was cheating on me. And bearing in mind, I missed a little bit of this story, so I used to be a personal trainer, he was a personal trainer, and he basically cheated on me with this girl who was also a personal trainer in the same company, and this girl's boyfriend was also a personal trainer in the same company. Now, we didn't all work in the same gyms, but we all did things together. Um, so yeah, I find out, I find out that he's cheated on me, um, and it's with this girl who was— she was actually my friend as well. I used the term loosely, she clearly wasn't my friend, I thought she was, um, And yeah, so he cheated on me with her, and then my now boyfriend said to me, like, let's meet for a coffee, um, just to kind of talk about everything that's happened. We're both in quite a similar situation. So we met, and then I had no— I had no, like, idea, or I didn't go into it with any intention of this going anywhere with this guy. It was literally just a chat where we could both just sit and be victims in our—

because this was the guy who was dating the girl, the girl that had cheated with your boyfriend. So you were both like the victims in terms of like your partners had cheated on you guys with each other. So you were like, okay, like, yeah, like both of our partners have just cheated on us. We're in this awful situation. Like, do you want to meet up and like chat about it? Because you're the only other person that's really going to understand Exactly what I'm going through. Okay, so that's like you and Mike meeting up for coffee just to chat about how shit it is that both of your partners have cheated on you with each other.

Yeah. And then we literally met. We were there for like 3 hours and then we've literally been inseparable ever since. And like for so long people thought that we were just, we were just doing it to get back at the exes. But neither of us, neither of us wanted to be with those exes anyway. I feel like we're both finding like outlets to other things to focus on outside of the relationship, so we didn't have to focus on the relationship. And then, yeah, like, we, we just ended up getting to know each other and realized that we were actually supposed to be the ones that were together. Yeah, Mike played such a huge role in my, like, self-love journey. I always say, like, he didn't teach me how to love myself, but he held space for me and like loved me until I was able to love myself. And he was just so good with the whole like coming out of the other side of bikini competing and letting go of counting all my food and weighing myself and my body image and all of that. And when I'm going through all of these wobbles with my body image, he was just, he just knew what to say to get me out of these really negative head spaces. He's, yeah, I think Mike is probably one of the biggest reasons why I was able to fully leave the, like, eating disorder, disordered eating, body image wrapped life behind. Um, so yeah, every cloud has a silver lining.

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Yeah, I feel like that, that story, first of all, is the most epic ending to getting cheated on, but also is kind of— it just feels like one of those things that's like, wow, things actually really are always working out for me. Like, even when you think like, oh, what a shit situation, like sometimes, you know, the shit turns into fertilizer and like allows something beautiful to grow in your life. So just stop.

I'm going to say I need to write that one down.

The shit turns into fertilizer, you know, that's, that's what it is. So I love that. Okay, so you, once you, that happened and you kind of met Mike, you started to phase out of the bikini competition world. But I want to go back a little bit and kind of talk about your experience with that. Do you feel like, because I know that you have gone through an eating disorder and are recovered now. But was that— was the eating disorder before the bikini competitions? Like, what fueled your desire to compete in, in like the fitness world and in those bikini competitions? Yeah.

So I, I trained, I trained as a dancer. So I think I was always— I always loved performing. I loved being in front of people. And it was in my my second year going into third year of dance college where I developed an eating disorder, anorexia. And I, I suffered with that for a while and then I went into my recovery for that and I'd gotten to a healthy weight. And I think a lot of the time, especially health professionals will sign you off when you get to a healthy weight. But I'm such a big believer that when it comes to any kind of eating disorder recovery, like the physical aspect is only half of it, and probably less than half, probably about 20% of it. You know, it's— if you need to gain weight, you just eat food and don't move and you're gonna gain weight. Um, but the mental side of it is the biggest battle. But when it gets to the mental side, that's usually when the health professionals have signed you off, unless you have some kind of private therapy or private healthcare. And, um, which I guess it's actually different in the US, isn't it? Because in the UK we have something called the NHS where it's like free healthcare, although a lot of people still do have the private healthcare. So I, I'd recovered physically and, you know, I was kind of there mentally. I, I definitely didn't have an eating disorder anymore, but I still needed a way of controlling things and when I was at that stage in my life, I had just started— I decided to detour away from the dance world and go into personal training, like, mainly because when I was in that stage of my recovery, when I got to the healthy weight, my dad got me this personal trainer, like, mainly because I'd always moved in my life. Like, I was always a really active person, but I didn't know how to move my body in a way that was actually healthy. So he got me this personal trainer to teach me how to, like, weight train and move in a way that wasn't purely for weight loss. And this trainer was absolutely incredible. Like, he, he got me weightlifting and he was also so into personal development. So before him, like, personal development was not a thing for me. It wasn't really even a thing in the UK. Like, people didn't really do it unless you were, I guess, like that way inclined and you were teaching it. You were, you were being taught it from you know, certain people. So this personal trainer introduced me to personal development, and, um, he introduced me to Tony Robbins. We all know Tony Robbins. This was like years ago, probably about 10 years ago. And then I became obsessed with personal development. And so anyway, don't need to go down that story, but this personal trainer literally changed my life in so many ways, more than just teaching me how to exercise in the gym. And because of the impact he had on my life, I was like, right, this is what I want to do. Like, I want to help other girls like me. So I want to become a personal trainer. So I became a personal trainer. And in those first few months of me personal training, I like— at the time, I'm so deeply insecure as a person. Like, I was one of those people who pre-eating disorder you know, going through school and stuff like that, I was always quite confident. But I think a lot of it was like, it was like a—

like a mask.

Yeah, a mask. It wasn't— I didn't feel like that deeply, especially in groups of girls and things like that. There was so many insecurities. And so when I start personal training, I think at the time I may be about 20 years old, I'm like, self-employed. I have to basically go out onto this gym floor, which felt so big and scary, and like speak to people to get clients. And there was nothing more petrifying for me in the world than having to go and have conversations with people. Like, it's only in the past few years I can literally like ring the doctor or the dentist to book an appointment. Like, I could be so socially awkward like that, and it just really lacked the confidence. So I felt so out of control of that side of my life. I felt like, right, Okay, what have I always turned to in my life to help me out of these situations where I feel completely out of control? I've always turned to my body. I did it all throughout my dancing, um, you know, when I was training as a dancer. I did have— I was doing shows and stuff like that as a dancer before I stopped and went into personal training. So, right, so I decided like, right, um, a way that I can maybe try and get clients without having to speak to people is I'm gonna do a photo shoot and I'm gonna do like fitness photoshoot, I'll get pictures and like print off these posters, put them up around the gym, then people will come and ask me to personal train with me. That was my tactic. So I signed up with this coach, and, um, after a couple of weeks, he was like, like, you're getting, you're getting into shape really quickly. I think you should compete. And at the time, it wasn't a big thing in the UK. I've seen so many girls in the US doing it, and I think, or all throughout, like, me developing the eating disorder and even after it, the only fitness girlies I really followed were the American girls. Like, there wasn't people in the UK doing that stuff yet. And so when he was like, do you want to do a bikini competition? I was like, yeah, like, I get to wear a bikini, I get to be on stage. Like, I'm not going on stage dancing anymore. So now I get to go on stage and just walk and be mostly— so I did like the first prep. And to be honest, it didn't feel like a really unhealthy thing for me me to do. I didn't feel like I was obsessed, like I was able to just kind of enjoy it. So I do this first prep and I, I did the first competition. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I did it and I ended up winning that competition. I was like, right, okay, this is mad. Um, and then, but that meant that I was then through to this like fight, like the British finals. This was like the Northwest competition I did, then you go to the British finals. But this competition was maybe in March and then the finals were in October. So I had such a long space of time and then we ended up doing another comp in the middle of that. And it was after that first competition and then being in that kind of prep mode from March right up until October, like constantly dieting, like having to be so strict with working out. I slowly started to realize that it is literally just a glorified eating disorder. And I know that so many people will disagree and they'll call it a sport, and, you know, to some extent, I guess, going to the gym and, you know, training your muscles and whatever, you can say it's a sport. But I think the mentality towards it and that obsession with getting leaner, the, the body dysmorphia that's developed is so unhealthy. Like the, the having to weigh yourself multiple times a day, having to weigh every single morsel of food that goes through your mouth, like it's not a healthy thing and nobody can say that is a healthy thing. And I think one of the hardest things about competing and I think one of the hardest things for me coming away from competing was that I clearly had like, um, disordered eating and disordered thoughts towards myself and towards food. I wouldn't say it was an eating disorder for me at that point, like I didn't feel that out of control, but I had this really unhealthy relationship with food, yet I'm winning trophies for it and people are clapping me and they're congratulating me and they're saying that my body is so inspiring and they'd love to have a body like mine and there was this huge fear of gaining weight and, and changing from that because I was being, I was being so like praised for it. Whereas like when I had anorexia, nobody's praising me for that. People are looking at me with like sorry eyes. So I know it wasn't a healthy or good place to be, whereas with the competing it was a completely different story. It was a— yeah, it's a, it's a crazy one.

I'm curious to know Like, how was there a— was there a certain point in that journey where you realized, I've got to get out of this? Like, I have to stop? Like, was, was that— was there a firm decision that you made, or did you just kind of like fall out of it? Was it the meeting Mike after that situation happened where you got cheated on? Like, what, what was the thing that helped you be like, all right, I need to actually move on from this and learn to like eat and move in a more regular, healthy way?

Yeah, so by that last competition, I just, I didn't even want to do it. I kept saying to my coach, like, I'm done, I don't want to do this. Like, a few weeks, um, probably more than weeks, maybe months running up to it, I started to notice, um, I remember I went to the hairdresser's and my hairdresser was like cutting my hair and like coloring my hair, and she was like, you've developed alopecia. So alopécia, a form of alopecia called alopecia areata. And it's like, do you stress alopecia? And I was going like bald at the back of my head. And like, that's because of the competing and being so malnourished. I'd lost my periods. I was having so many unhealthy things happen to my body. And I also remember there was a time where I thought Oh my gosh, I feel like the eating disorder is coming back and I feel that lack of control coming back. And so I wanted to pull out like that. I was literally going to the gym and I'd be doing my workout whilst crying my eyes out and I'm like, what the fuck? And also at the time I had this, had this business called the Girl Gains and there was me and another 2 girls we were putting on events, we were doing a lot of like public speaking, we were doing all of these things where I'm trying to teach women how to love themselves and to accept themselves. Yeah, I'm sat in front of them like doing the complete opposite to what I'm preaching, and I just thought like, I can't do this anymore. So when it got to that final competition, I, I just knew I'm done. And I do think Mike helped because Mike's— he, he's a personal trainer, but he's very normal when it comes to food and exercise. And I thought, he's gonna think this girl is a fucking weirdo if I'm like, oh, I need to weigh my food and I have to exercise, you know what I mean? So that really helped me step away from it and then just be like, I'm done. There's absolutely no going back.

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I feel like a lot of women will be able to relate, you know, whether they have gone to a certain extreme like you of being fully like in the competition world, or they just kind of had an extreme relationship with exercise and working out, or, you know, forcing themselves to kind of like do really intense workouts or high-intensity interval training or running or weightlifting, but like from that kind of like obsessive sort of space of like, can't miss a day, like got to be there, got to make sure that I'm dripping sweat, you know, classifying the workouts as like that was good enough or like that wasn't good enough and kind of thinking about what I ate today and what that means that my workout needs to look like in order to compensate for that. I know there's so many people that can relate to that journey, so I'm wondering you know, for you getting out of that, what were some things that helped you start to feel a little bit more grounded and normal when it came to eating your food? There's also a lot of people that have, you know, done the whole MyFitnessPal thing and they've tracked everything that they've ate and they've looked at all their macros. Like, how do you— how do you just step away from that? How do you go cold turkey? Did you like not work out at all for a while? Did you like wean yourself off? What was the journey like kind of trying to come back to yourself and form like a loving relationship with food and exercise and your body?

It's really hard. And like, I want to make that so clear to anybody, whether you're somebody who goes to the extremes of competing and you don't even have to actually get on stage to have gone to those extremes. A lot of people go to those extremes without even realizing. Like so many women. And the thing is, it's not— it doesn't go from a place of complete restriction and that place where you have to be working out, you have to be exercising, and that obsession with your body to just like this steady process of letting it go. Like day by day you just let it go, and then, then one day you wake up and it's just not a thing for you anymore. A lot of the time what happens with any kind of restriction in your life, like whether it's anything to do with food or you know, you restrict yourself from sex, like whatever it is, anything that you restrict, say, say it's like a pendulum. Say the restriction is over here and then you let it go. You are naturally going to go— the pendulum is going to swing right onto the other side. So any kind of restriction is then going to swing right over to a binge. And naturally you're going to want to to binge on whatever it is that you've been, you've been restricting yourself from. So when it came to the competing, I let go of the restriction and ended up in a place where, you know, there was times where I was kind of like secret eating. I would allow myself foods that maybe I wasn't allowing myself to have very regularly when I was in the competing stage. And it would turn to a kind of binge episode. And I would see weekends as this opportunity to just eat loads and loads and loads. And then when it came to workouts, you go from being so like, you have to do this, it's, it's— you don't have a choice, like burn all of the calories to a place where you almost want to rebel against all of the things that you've made yourself do. And so you go from kind of this extreme to the other extreme. And then what happens is so many people, when they get to this other extreme, it's like this bingeing or this rebellious phase, they freak the fuck out and they will just end up going back to the restriction. And instead, what you kind of need to happen and what I— what definitely happened for me was going from this complete restriction to the bingeing phase, to the rebellious phase. And then it kind of came back a little bit and I went to— I remember I got this coach who, like, I'd gained loads of weight and because I'd gained the weight so quickly, it was— I was so inflamed, like, you know, it's kind of like water inflammation, you know, like somebody's pregnant and you get that inflammation. That's what can happen when you gain the weight so quickly from being so, like, malnourished and so underweight. So then I kind of went back. I got this coach and I was like, right, I don't, I don't want to be really lean or anything like that, but I just need to learn how to just eat normally again because I've gone completely the other way and it was freaking me out. So I got this coach and he just, he just put me on a bit of a meal plan. Like it was, it wasn't anything strict, it wasn't anything weird. It was very normal foods, but it was just giving me like a guide on how I can eat and not go absolutely mental, like just following that kind of plan. Because the whole reason why I got into any of this stuff was because I needed some kind of sense of control and it felt hard for me to let that control go completely. So this was just a way for me to kind of be in control, but just be living healthily. So I did that and then that started to feel okay. So I just started to come away from that. And then I think eventually, like the pendulum, you just end up in the middle where you're able to just kind of you know how to eat, you know how to move your body in a way that feels good. And I guess like in between all of that, like I just had to do a lot of stuff around working on myself and figuring out like, why do I need this sense of control? Like, what do I feel so out of control of that's making me want to grasp onto something, like grasp onto my body and figure out what that is, like work on my inner healing, because like I always say, that your, like, your body image is this external projection for what's going on for you internally. And the more that you can figure out, like, what is going on for you internally, the more that you can let go of being so fixated on your body image.

Yeah, I know you are an advocate for therapy, but I'm just wondering, like, what were some of the key things in terms of that inner work? Because that really is, you know, anybody that speaks about food obsession or eating disorders, body image, all that stuff, we always end up at the same place, which is like, it was never the food, you know, it was never the food, it was never the workouts. It was more of what was going on inside of you internally that made you use that as like some sort of vice to try and, as you're saying, get that control or feel that sense of control in your life, which oftentimes comes from a place of anxiety. So just speaking obviously to your own journey, What were some of like the inner work things that really helped you? Are there any like certain practices or therapy modalities or books that you read? Like what were the things that you felt really helped you during that time?

I think the biggest things that helped were working on like the basic personal development things like my beliefs and my values. So a lot of the work that I do now, but I maybe didn't know I was doing this in my own journey was work around like my self-image and like the opinions I had on myself, like the opinions that I thought other people had of me and starting to break those down and letting go of the unhealthy parts of my self-image, but letting them go from a place of like, you can't just let, let stuff go, figuring out where they come from. So going to the root of the like the trauma, so to speak. And I think until that point in my life, there were things that I had gone through, like at home or just in life, and I'd completely just like bypass them as if it was a very normal thing to happen. And I was never somebody who spoke about anything. And I remember when I was like working with my therapist and I would just say things really just being quite like blasé. And then, and he would be like, wait, stop. And then he'd be like, right, okay, like, when did this happen? Let's talk about that a little bit more. And I think for me, I would always try to— I've always been quite avoidant. I was— I would just try to avoid the things that were going to be really painful. I realized that you've got to go to that painful place place when you're ready and with support that, you know, in a safe environment, you have to go to that place and let yourself feel and let yourself heal from it. And then you can start to move on. And I think, I think above anything, that is the only play— that is the only thing that you can do that's, that's truly going to allow you to heal and move forwards to live your life.

I think there's a lot of people that exactly as you were are just kind of like bypassing the most challenging things that they've been through because it's like, oh, well, you know, that's just, that's just how it was, or that's just how my parents were. Yeah, like I've been through that, but it's not a big deal. Like we, I think we do consider a lot of things that are a big deal for us internally to be not a big deal because maybe they've been normalized in society or we see that other people have it worse. And there's a lot of that like mentality of self-gaslighting of like my experience isn't bad enough. For this to be considered trauma, right? Or like, I don't have trauma because these like really crazy, horrible, horrific things haven't happened to me. But yeah, I think a lot of people will be able to relate to that, especially now that therapy is thankfully more common and a lot more people are getting support. They're probably having similar experiences where they're mentioning things like, oh yeah, you know, that happened to me in school or at home with my parents or siblings or whatever. And the therapist is like, okay, So this is a major event, you know, and you're like, no, it's just like a thing. But yeah, I think more people need to hear about that because I still think there is a larger misconception that, you know, unless something truly violent or horrific has happened to you, that you don't need support or it's not considered a trauma and it probably hasn't affected you. But everything affects us. You know, I wonder if Obviously, it's like a long journey to kind of come to a place of feeling like you love yourself and love your body. And I know that I'm sure there's still days and times where that fluctuates and you feel better about yourself sometimes and worse about yourself others. But how do you, how do you personally know that you have a loving relationship with your body? Like, are there any indicators to you, or were there at the time where you were like, wow, I think I'm actually think I'm actually like getting this, like I feel the compassion and love for myself.

Honestly, I think one of the biggest things was like I stopped looking in the mirror. Like I used to feel— I used to wake up and the first thing I would do would be look in the mirror. And you know, before I left the house in the morning, I would have looked at myself in the mirror multiple times, whereas now I can just like, well, often I'm just— what, like, sometimes I go to the gym. I— my gym class is like 8 o'clock in the morning, but I get up at like 6:30. There's sometimes I'm sat in the car and I'm like, oh no, I've not looked in the mirror this morning. But I equally don't care because I know that like who I am is good enough. And I think a lot of that, that idea of self-love, like people put a lot of focus and emphasis on self-love being in this place where you just absolutely like fucking love your body. And some people are never going to get to that place, and that's absolutely fine. But you can treat yourself like you're somebody you love without having to absolutely love every single part of your body when you look in the mirror. But I genuinely think that you can see self-love, and I can feel self-love when I don't feel the need to look at myself in the mirror. Like, you can just walk past the mirror because you know that who you are is enough.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think that's like really powerful, actually. When I was younger, I feel like any time you're in a store, like a shopping mall or something, there's like always mirrors everywhere. And any time you pass one, you kind of have to like stop and like do a double take of like, okay, how's my hair? Like, am I looking good? But really just being able to be present in your life without that, like, you know, hyperfixation of like, oh, like, how am I looking? What's going on? Yeah, that's something that— yeah, I'm like, I wouldn't have thought of that as being like an answer, but I actually love, love that answer because it feels really genuine and just like true.

Yeah. Do you know, I think I noticed that the most in lockdown because we moved. We'd moved into the house where we live now. It was a complete renovation project and we moved in literally just before lockdown. This house was a complete renovation project. We moved in just before lockdown, and so when lockdown hit, we hadn't fully decorated the house. So we literally had the— this mirror here behind me is the only mirror that we had in the whole house. Like, there was nothing where I could fully, like, see my body. And I remember, like, coming out of lockdown, I was like, I literally haven't looked at myself. I don't know what I look like. Obviously that I'd seen like pictures and taken pictures and things like that. But that was when I like, I was just like, wow, I don't need to. And like, this is the happiest I've ever felt in myself because I know who I am and I've just had to work on my character as opposed to placing all of my worth and everything that I am on my appearance. Hmm.

So you work online, obviously, which is, you know, I think is another big like trigger for people that are struggling with comparison and and all these things. I'm curious to know, like, what that experience is like, you know, having a larger following and being an influencer and being a coach and having to utilize social media for work. Do you have any, any tips or things that have helped you in terms of like mental health comparison and all those things while being someone who operates a large percentage of their life on social media?

It's definitely something that I still have to navigate myself. Yeah, I've noticed something that I have to do is if I'm feeling triggered by somebody else, like I would never feel triggered these days about somebody else's appearance. That's just not something that affects me anymore. But I would mostly be triggered by things that are important to me now, things like work and, you know, that side of things. And if I notice myself feeling triggered by certain people, and often it's like different cycles of my life, whatever's going on in my life is going to reflect on the things that I'm comparing to. I'm comparing my people to my people, my people. I'm comparing, I'm comparing myself to online. Um, so I'll just mute people for like certain periods of time, and sometimes these people are like my friends, but I'm like, I literally can't look at what you're doing right now. It's me. It's given me a sensation inside that I don't enjoy having, and I'll just mute them. And then I can come back to them in like 3 months and I fucking love everything they're saying and everything they're doing. It's just the different headspace that I'm in. And I think the more I can stay on top of like, how am I actually feeling? Like, what's actually going on for me? What do I need right now? And checking in with myself as much as I can. And then acting on those things in a healthy way is probably the things that, that thing that protects me the most. But I think like when, you know, when we met on the retreat, I was in such a, I was in such like a conflicted place with my life online because I'd gone from this person who, you know, my Instagram started when I was in my eating disorder recovery. Like I was a completely different person to who I am now. I was a shell of myself. I was in my struggle. And now I'm just not that person. Like, I'm not in my struggle. I'm, you know, there's obviously things that I struggle with, but in the grand scheme of things, I've got a really fucking good life. And I found it really hard to, to make that transition because there was a lot of people who followed me in my struggle who didn't like to see me happy. And it was quite hard to like be okay with that and actually allow myself to thrive online without, you know, worrying about these people who are going to feel triggered because I'm, I'm happy. And I don't know, I feel maybe in the past 6 months I've really started to show my like actual personality and show who I really am. And in doing that, I just, I feel like it's worked in my favor. Like I feel really happy, I feel really happy with what I'm putting out there online and I'm real happy with the feedback I'm getting.

So yeah, I think a lot of people are scared. You know, I work with a lot of entrepreneurs that are starting to build personal brands and wanting to be coaches and growing online and all that sort of thing. And I— so I hear this all the time. People are really terrified of being their full selves online because we have this, this feeling, this misconception that like, if I am my full self, if I show up pop with my entire personality with no makeup or, you know, ranting about the things that I think are funny or bizarre in the world or that I have opinions about, then, you know, I just got to keep it like— I just have to keep it super niche. I got to keep it super streamlined. Like, this is the thing that I'm selling or the work that I do. So I'm only going to talk about those things. Like, don't step on anybody's toes. Like, don't, don't try to like go outside the box. We imagine that that's like the way that we're going to create safety for ourselves. But I think exactly to your point, it almost is the thing that keeps you feeling more confined and more stuck of like, oof, like I can't actually express myself now because there's a bunch of people here that are waiting for me to show up in a way that is no longer authentic to who I am. Like, if you box yourself in from the beginning, then you have a lot of people that just want to see you in that box. And once you start doing something different or acting different or you're in a new phase of life, people are like, oh, I miss the old days when you used to blah blah blah, or when you were like this. And so I think it is definitely challenging, but as you've experienced, I believe like the more that you are you online, the more likely you are to attract those types of people in your audience that love that version of you, and they're there for you with all the good times and the bad times, you know. And that's the kind of people I think people are so scared of repelling someone like, oh, they might not like me or they might want to unfollow. But I think that's the point. You know, if you have someone that is— their, their view of you is so fragile to the point where if you were to show up in a certain way one day, they would hate you or they would unfollow you, then you should want to get that person out of your audience as soon as possible anyway.

Exactly. I think you— I think you do this so well. Like, as a coach, I think you're probably one of my favorite favorite— well, not probably, like, you are one of my favorite coaches to follow online because I just, I find like a lot of the people who do like purely coaching online, it, it is very like you can tell they've learned everything off kind of like the same people and it's the same language, it's, you know, the same kind of titles for programs and they constantly feel like they need to show up in a certain way to be taken seriously as a coach. And like, if that works for them, amazing. Like, nothing to those people, they have their people. But I think when like following you is such a breath of fresh air because you, you obviously fucking smash your business, but you show like so many different parts of yourself and you— it's, it's fun and it's It's like you're learning from you, but then you're also laughing and like, I love it and take a lot of inspiration from the way that you show up as a coach.

Thank you. Oh my God. I don't know why that like shocked me so much, but like, that was such a— yeah, I was like, really? Your favorite coach? Like, stop.

Oh, I don't talk about this often, you know.

No, stop. I'm going to cry. That is so sweet. I mean, there's just so— there's so many people online. So to, you know, hear that from you that you really enjoy the way that I show up, I mean, it means a lot. And yeah, like, I know exactly what you're talking about, that sort of like regurgitation or just the, you know, that, that feeling of like, I've got to be exactly like my coach in order to be successful. Like, if this worked for her, then it's what I'm going to do. And so everything just starts to kind of, you know, the messaging is all the same, the copy is all the same, the the, the vibe and the look and the energy and everything is all the same. And yeah, I, I think being, being yourself and we do this thing in one of my masterminds where I have them go through this like really kind of intense challenge with social media to get them back into their own creative vortex, to like have their own ideas and really get back in tune with their own voice. And muting people is a big part of that thing. And I think a lot of people have this like weird ego thing where it's like, oh, I don't like— that's mean to mute people. Like I'm not a mean person and also I should be able to handle this. Yeah, right. Especially if you're someone who's like, I've, you know, I've done all the inner work, I'm a personal development person, or maybe you're even like a coach in that space. You're like, I shouldn't need to do that to protect myself. But really just like owning like that, that's going to be something that is really helpful for you to just kind of like get back into your own lane and remember who you are and what you like and what your voice is.

Is.

Yeah, it's so powerful. Like, I think that's really great advice that you gave about muting people.

Sounds a bit savage, but I mean, it's not an unfollow. I'm coming back. Yeah, it's like, right now you're not good for me, and that's about me. It's not about you, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. It's not about like, oh, the way that this person is showing up is like not good. It's like, it's just right now my mental health needs to prioritize not seeing it so that I can get back to like my own best self and not be distracted by these thoughts of comparison or whatever it is. So we talked a lot about, you know, like mental health as it relates to eating disorders, body image. You mentioned some anxiety things. I want to talk to you about like the relationship with women because I know that this is something that you've also been through. I think you— I think I remember you talking about like overcoming like anxieties with female friendships in certain ways of feeling like having those thoughts of wondering like, oh, like, are people inviting me because they actually want me to be there, or did they just feel bad? Like, even with people that are like close in your life, just sometimes having those like anxious thoughts come up, like, do they actually like me? Are they talking about me? Maybe second-guessing like things that you've said at, uh, like a hangout or something. What's your experience been with like anxieties and female friendships and like sisterhood wound type stuff?

Yeah, so I mean, to, to be straight about this, like, my, my mum's amazing, like, love her so much. She's given me everything that she could in this life, um, but she grew up in a really toxic household with two sisters who also, um Yeah, it wasn't like a healthy environment. And so I think my mum's way of, of coping and stepping out of that family environment— and she was kind of like saved by my dad, who came from a really healthy home, and he's given her this incredible life. And she's, you know, she's done things for herself as well. Um, but I think her way of dealing with a lot of that stuff was especially when it came to me, I think I am literally her biggest mirror and her biggest trigger. And me popping out of the womb and being such a, you know, quite a big character. I'm quite sure of what I'm saying. I'm quite direct as a person. And I think that was, that was and always has been quite triggering for my mom. And so, and she's also, I guess, felt like she needed to play small to some extent. So my bigness and me wanting to be dancing and performing and doing plays in front of everyone and, you know, wanting everyone to look at me, um, was just a lot for my mom. And I think it was like a completely different situation to what she was used to herself. And maybe that's what she wanted for herself, but she felt like she couldn't do it. So she's like kind of watching me thinking, and I feel like there was a lot of kind of comparison, um, I guess like put on me from my mom, and it started to really like warp my relationships with girls and women and almost develop a lot of like competition with other girls because a lot of the things were like, oh, like you were good but she was great, and, um, I think she was was just kind of trying to put me in my lane so that other people didn't, didn't tell me that I was too much. Like, I know it was all coming from a place of love and protection, but it, it kind of did the opposite to me. And so when it came to my relationship with other girls, I think there was this like element of competition, but then there's also the side of like the girly, like girl, girly friendship that's really like bitchy and two-faced, and it's just something that I've never subscribed to. Like, I'm somebody who, like, if there's anything that I will say like when you're not in the room, it's because I'm gonna have a conversation with you in person. And I think there's a lot of people, or like a lot of girls in the world, who would rather just have those conversations with each other, you know, not with each other, they would just rather have those conversations behind somebody's back with zero intention of ever having the conversation with them. And I think it's because a lot of people don't like that confrontation, but I have just never been that person. Like, I'm fine with it for a bit of confrontation. And like, admittedly, growing up, maybe my approach wasn't a super healthy approach, but I've definitely learned kind of growing up how to have those conversations in a really loving way. But I think that also played a big role into the relationships that I had with women, because, you know, a lot of people see it as being like, like a nasty thing if somebody is honest and upfront and direct about situations. And I think I've, for a lot of my life, I've been like really misunderstood until the past. So I got this therapist, the therapist that I have now, I've been working with her for maybe 2 years and she is an EFT therapist. She's absolutely incredible. For anybody who doesn't know what EFT is, it's tapping.

In.

So I started with her, and like one of the biggest things was my relationships with women and just like the anxiety that I felt and how I felt like I couldn't really be myself. And, and like admittedly, I had been like really shit on by different girls and like in different groups throughout my life. And just doing this EFT work and healing that anxiety— I was literally thinking about this this morning. So I was on this kind of day retreat yesterday, um, there was quite a few girls from my management there and I just had the best day. There was no anxiety. There was so much love. And like, I noticed now, like, even on my retreat when I'm like, every night when I'm like giving everyone like a hug and a kiss before bed, I'll be like, I'll be like, love you. And like, that's just something that so naturally comes out. That was something I would never say to a girl before. Like, to my partner, always. I would always say that I love you. But to girls and like, I just wouldn't feel safe saying it because I think, oh, they're thinking, what the fuck? Look like weirdo, whereas now I can just love so openly and give that love to other girls because it's like, I know that there's no competition. I just want nothing but support. And, um, yeah, it's definitely been a huge transition, probably one of the biggest things that I've overcome in like my late 20s and probably one of the most life-changing things for me.

I love that so much and relate on so many fronts, especially growing up in competitive dance. I think that's an environment that really fosters that competition between young girls of the, like, you know, who's the best, who's better, that sort of thing. So yeah, I relate so much to everything that you shared, and I'm sure there's so many girls listening that are like nodding their heads like, yes. And I just think, you know, knowing that it is possible to heal that and to feel safe and to feel like you're able to be yourself in front of other women, for anyone that's listening to this, that feels like they're not fully there yet and they don't know if they ever will be. Like, it truly is possible to feel safe being your full self in front of other women. And I think for me, it's really been— a lot of that has been getting into spaces where there are like-minded women who are— that we're all on the same page, right? You're listening to this podcast now, you're listening to two women have this conversation where we've been through things like that. We've been pushed out of friend groups. We've had people call us a bitch. We've had things where we feel like other girls have stabbed us in the back or whatever. And those wounds are there. And that feeling of competition, we've been there. And by getting in spaces with other women that are like, I've been there too, and like, I just want to have really good friends and I just want to, you know, love on each other and be cool with each other and be comfortable and not judge each other's bodies and not judge each other's personalities and just like, be happy. Like, there are people like that. And so wherever you can find that in your life, I know for me it's happened a lot through coaching and masterminds and retreats and, and things like that. But getting in those spaces with women who are also doing that work is one of the most healing things I've ever done for my relationship with women. So can't recommend enough.

I think, I think the more you— like, even if you just find one person who gets you, who helps you feel seen, who, you know, supports you as much as you support them, it can give you like hope that you're going to find more people like that. And also it helps you have your like, you're like flashes on for people who are bad vibes, bad energy Like, I know when I'm in a room with people or like, say I'm with like, say I'm with like 1 or 2 people, I know the types of people who, when I leave, they're going to be talking about me. And then the people who, you know, I can, I can be around them, but I don't share myself with them. Like, I'll be with them for, you know, whatever reason I have to be with them, but they're not where I put all of my love and all of my support. And I think the more that you can acknowledge those like flashes of and like acknowledge how you feel when you're with people, like, do you feel drained when you're around certain people? If you do, you most likely— they're not your person and you're probably not going to feel good around them in future. Like you, you will meet people in your life who feel like they feel like sunshine.

They feel positive vibes, like they feel I feel like it's like in your body almost. Like the energy that I get is like when you walk into a room and there's girls that you can— that it's like a stiffness in your body where you're like, this is an unsafe place for me to unravel. Like you can just tell and feel it intuitively, which I also think that comes from doing a lot of this other like inner work that we've talked about. But it's like you almost like get stiff and you feel like you have to kind of like robot through that scenario because it feels unsafe. Whereas because when you meet someone who you know is like a safe space, you can just feel it. It's like without you even trying, like your personality just starts to like crack open and you feel like you can be silly or goofy or like you don't have to— your hair doesn't have to look perfect and you don't have to sit up straight. Like you just— your body naturally responds to that sort of energy and noticing and having the discernment of like who those people are in your life on both sides of the spectrum. And yeah, I think that's a beautiful piece of like self-awareness that you shared of just like the intuitive intuitive energy around it. Like, you can tell. You can tell.

Yeah, absolutely.

Okay, so we have to close the episode. I can't leave without asking you about the Daily Skank because the girlies need to know what it is and why it helps you. So give us the Daily Skank 411.

So every day, well, every morning, the first thing that I do in the morning, like, well, actually, the first thing I do is is pop the kettle on. So there's like a little click, and then there's the Alexa, play. I've got like my skanking playlist, but like Rush or Calm Down, it's got to be— we're looking for like afrobeats, um, that kind of vibe of music. And I started doing the morning skank earlier this year because I was in the pit with the mentee, like the mental health was suffering. And I honestly think like when you're in a bad place with your mental health, it can be so hard to pick up positive habits. It can be so hard to do things that you know are going to feel good for yourself because you're in such a self-deprecating place that you just want to do— you just want to eat chips and do things that you know are going to make you feel shit. Like, no, no, I love chips, but you just want to like do things that you know are not going to lift you up. And so doing things like meditation and journaling, it's great. And, and I really believe in those practices and they definitely serve a purpose in people's lives. But when I was in that place, I was like, I need something quick. I need something that's going to lift me up from the start and it's going to, it's going to take me 3 minutes and it's going to be easy to do. I don't need any other equipment apart from some kind of music. And so I just started doing this like one-song morning skank. And I basically just get my hoe on and I just like shake my bum. I like just get down. I just skank. Like, we know the difference between a dance and a skank. I'm more low, like I'm skanking. I'm not up high like jumping about dancing. And I shit you not, like there was a genuine conversation with my therapist therapist one day where like she's seen me just in this depression hole for a good few months. She has no idea what to do with me. She's like, right, okay, let's just tap. Like, hopefully one day this, this, this like place is gonna leave your, your mind. I show up one day and I'm like, huh? She's like, um, why though? Like, what have you been doing? I was like, Nicola, I've been skanking. And my therapist is like maybe 50, and she's like, oh, what? So I'm like telling her what I've been doing, and she's just like, right, okay, well, if it works, it works. Like, you do you. She probably thinks I'm a bit of a weirdo, but I've been doing this now for months, just like every morning. It's like 3 minutes, and it's something that genuinely lifts my mood. It makes me feel good. Um, I believe in the power of like moving your body and like shaking energy through your body, and think, obviously I'm not thinking that when I'm like getting down low, but the actual science behind it, it actually does lift your mood and it's going to give you that like lift throughout the day. And then if ever you're feeling tired at lunchtime or whatever you're about to do, like I was skanking before this, I was feeling so tired. So I put on Rich Baby Daddy by Drake and I just like let the coochie breathe and and like automatically I'm lifted. And honestly, I think if anybody is in a place right now where your mental health is quite low or you're struggling or you're waking up and you're feeling like you have no motivation, um, you know, I think the best thing that you can do if you're finding it hard to do things like meditation and journaling, just put one song on and dance. And even if the first time you thinking, I don't even know how to move my body, or like, I'm so embarrassed doing this, just keep going with it and then just let yourself go. And I promise you will feel a million dollars the more that you do it.

Dance is— I mean, as a— as it truly is like a somatic healing practice. Like, like you said, there's definitely like research and science behind it. Like moving your body, listening to the music definitely changes your state. All the way back to the beginning, speaking about Tony Robbins, you probably learned about like changing your state when you were starting to get into his work. Like, and when you go to a conference with him, you are jumping up and down. There's music all the time. It's all about like changing that like energetic state in your body, which is what allows you to think different and behave different and create different results in your life. So absolutely, like it seems like a funny, silly little thing, but 100% It works. It's so real. And if you guys need motivation, just go follow Vic. She's on her stories almost every day showing you the daily skank. You could do it along with her if you want to.

She's in her bathrobe, you know, hair's a mess, no makeup.

Like, it's not like a, you know, cute, like, I'm trying to be sexy sort of thing. It's really just like getting the root chakra loosened up and bringing that energy up through the body and supporting your mental health with a daily skank. So I love it. I love it so much. Thank you, Vic, for all your insights and just a beautiful conversation that I know is going to resonate and help so many women. Can you let everybody know where they can find you and do the daily skank with you?

Yeah. So you can find me on Instagram @victorianiamh, spelled N-I-A-M-H, half Irish. And actually in my bio I have my skanking playlist. So if you need some inspo, obviously you can go like join the playlist. And then if you want more of my personal development side of work, you can follow @theglowupproject_.

We love it. We'll link everything in the show notes for you guys so that you can access it really easily. Thank you so much for tuning in. If you have a friend, a sister, any woman in your life that you think will benefit from this episode, please copy the link, send it to her, let her know that you were thinking about her. Take a screenshot, share it to your stories, tag both Vic and I. We love you guys so much and we will talk to you next week. Bye.