Owning Your Voice in Life, Love, Business & Sex w/ Alyssa Martyn

Welcome to the Makeshift Happen podcast. I'm your host, Samantha Daly, entrepreneur, life coach, and your no BS bestie, here to bring you all things mindset, manifestation, and personal development. This podcast is designed to help you expand your mind and uplevel your life. So turn the volume up and roll the windows down if you're coming along for the ride.

Let's go make shit happen. Welcome back to the podcast, you guys. I'm so excited for this episode. We are joined by a very special guest, Alyssa Martin. We are talking about something today that I know so many of you are going to get so much value out of because it's something that a lot of women struggle with, especially when they're coming up in the online space. And this is the idea of being able to own your voice. Not only is this gonna be valuable for you if you are a content creator or you're starting a business, or you want to use Instagram or any other social media platform to promote yourself or your brand or your mission, but also just for your life and for your relationships. And so we're also gonna touch on the power of owning your voice in all arenas of your life. And really stepping into your full confidence so that you can voice what is important to you, your needs, wants, desires, and so much more. And Alyssa is an expert in this. This is her life's work. She has a beautiful body of work regarding all of this that you can dig into, and we'll share more about that later in the episode. But Alyssa is a business, life, and voice coach. She's a mentor and a facilitator. She works with conscious women who are desiring to own their voice, make an impact, and manifest success in business, relationships, health, and wealth. Through a unique holistic approach, working with the mind, energy, and emotion. Alyssa will guide you into your full expression to unlock your thriving potential and create the life that you deserve. I'm so excited for this conversation. Welcome to the show, Alyssa.

Yeah. Hi, Sam. Thank you for having me. I'm just taking in your voice, listening to you do that introduction. It's so frickin' juicy for me because I do think you have such an authoritative easy flowing voice and you are such a strong voice in this space. So I really get a kick out of hearing voices like yours. So thank you.

Yeah, I heard you say something the other day that I was actually gonna— I just had this thought drop in before we jumped on. I was like, I feel like I heard Alyssa saying something about the, like, the tone and the textures of someone's voice and how there's so much that you learn about someone through the voice. Like, the voice really communicates a lot of a person's essence before you even know very much about them. So I'm curious, like, what you could say about that, or even just like hearing my voice, like what comes through for you. I think that's so interesting.

Yeah. So our frequency— I don't know if you work with lower vibration at all. I'm guessing maybe you do because you're into manifesting, but I very much work with lower vibration and our frequency can be heard through our voice, which is why, like, you know, when you're in relationships, your partner asks you, how are you doing? Is everything okay? And you're like, it's fine and your words are saying you're fine, but he can hear that you're not, or she can hear that you're not, right? So when we're facilitators or we're in the public eye and we're publicly speaking, our authority, our confidence, our, um, or lack of ownership, you know, if we've got loads of self-doubts moving through our mind as we're showing up, it can all be heard in our voice. What can also be heard is lack of connection. So if we're out of our bodies, we're not embodied in what we're doing, or for, you know, someone who is kind of winging it, they're blagging their way through, that can also be heard. And with our voices, we are also either stimulating someone's nervous system or like irritating it. So again, like in the space that we're in, if you are not in connection with your voice, if you're not dropped into your body, if you're not confident in what you're really owning and delivering, that can be felt as well as heard. So yeah, your voice is your frequency and that's what we're putting out, especially to our audience, which is why it's so, so important to get consciousness around that and really practice practice voice ownership and body connection with the voice as well.

Mm. Yeah. So interesting. You're either like stimulating the nervous system or almost like irritating it. I, I— that's like a nugget that I pulled out. So cool. So interesting. So to open this conversation around owning your voice, I'd love if you could share some of the signs that— or symptoms rather, whatever we want to call it— so that a woman might be able to identify— or a man, I guess it doesn't really matter— that you're not owning your voice? Like, what are some of those signs where you're like, okay, you can tell these are examples of maybe not owning your voice?

Yeah. So firstly, it's important to know that when a woman isn't in total ownership of her voice, there can be strong physical symptoms that occur. So I'm going to cover symptoms first and then I'll move on to signs. Sometimes a symptom can feel like a lump in the throat, or it's nervous system, physical shutdown, immobility, contraction. Or it can be a coughing fit, dry mouth, jaw tension, uh, sore throat, and tiredness, especially after, you know, delivering events. You, if you're vocally tired, something's going on at a vocal level, which really is hitting lower spots in the body, which I'll talk about later. Any tension in the throat space as well, you know, is a sign that you are experiencing some vocal blocks. And also some people will experience vocal issues that don't have a medical explanation. Now, when it comes to signs that we can all be aware of, firstly, it's self-doubt. It's lacking confidence in your abilities, struggling to actually express yourself authentically. And so in communication, be it in relating or doing business, this can look like us being stuck in our heads and overthinking, overthinking what we're saying, how we're saying it, and not actually enjoying the process of communicating. That's really common as well. It's us just second-guessing ourselves all the time in communication. Another sign is people-pleasing, which we've all moved through at some point, and that's not speaking up for yourself when you need to or, you know, not making decisions that align with your truth. And when this also comes, this also comes with difficulty in saying no, right? Difficulty in saying no when you really want to say no. And because of this, you know, experiencing a real trouble in setting your boundaries and communicating your needs and your desires. And then there's the, the sign of just feeling fear consistently when it comes to putting, you know, expressing yourself or putting your voice out there. Fear of rejection or being misjudged, fear of how we'll be received. And this happens a lot in the online space. I see it again. This is something that I can hear in people's voices when I'm watching their reels or I'm watching their lives. And there's this fear of criticism when we're sharing our thoughts and our ideas and this can have us really avoiding speaking up altogether. It can put us off the process. So for women in business, for example, this can look like us holding back on the self-promotion, on sharing our message with the world, whether it's a post or an IGTV live, um, the book you wanna write, podcast you wanna start, or just sharing your successes with people to gain authority in your industry. There is this real fear that you'll come across as too aggressive or arrogant. And we can be our own cheerleader in a very healthy way, you know, with humility. And we need to be to some degree to really share and own that authority in our space, to have people trust in working with us as well. Um, also not being able to get people to connect with us as well when we are speaking. And this is something really to consider. You know, as I said before, our vibration is exchanged through our voice. Our voice can either stimulate someone's nervous system or irritate it. And so if we are in low vibe and we're disconnected from the body when we're in delivery, this will literally impact our ability to really connect with people, you know, really make shift when we're working with our clients, really build strong, deep connections with partners, people that we're relating with, because there's a, there's a lack of authenticity in your voice as well, and you're less believable when you're delivering, which makes you less connectable. Other signs include passive communication, which is, again, I feel like this is quite common for women in relationships. You know, we use words like maybe or I think, and instead of being really direct and assertive, right, we go to this space of like hesitant about how we're coming across. So we kind of back off what we actually want to say. And then there's apologizing, apologizing excessively. This is always a sign that I can see in clients. I'm like, okay, this is the first thing we need to address, right? And this occurs because we feel like our opinion and our feelings aren't valid or important. Another common sign in relationships and even in the workplace is just avoiding conflict at all costs so that we're avoiding expressing our full truth because we're fearing a certain reaction or fearing getting a reaction that we just don't want to experience. Another sign is hiding behind others. I used to do this a lot when I was young. I would latch on to my best friend and anything that was expressed would be through her and I'd ask her to do it for me because I didn't rely on my own decisions. I didn't rely on myself to be confident in my ability to express. So yeah, they are the main signs and they bleed through into every area of life, relationships, professional, personal life, and they bleed through into everything.

Yeah, I can even see that last piece that you mentioned about like latching on to someone else happening a lot, happening a lot in partnerships. Where if you don't want to be or you're not comfortable fully voicing a need or even communicating things like with maybe you need to get something done in your house and the project's not on time or the timeline's not, and it's like, okay, well, I'm just going to defer that to my partner because I don't want to be the one to have that hard conversation. Like things like that for sure. Also in partnership.

Hmm.

I'm curious to know Do you think in your experience of working with lots of clients around this, is it always rooted in trauma? Like, how do we— is it, is it societal conditioning? Is it part of the patriarchy where we as women learn to be seen and not heard? Like, what are these— some of these main sources that you see as the reason for why this is so widespread?

Yeah. So the biggest blocks that mute women are what I call the 5 root blocks, and I tend to cover cover this just as a subject alone because it's so much to unpack. So the first block is, of course, personal trauma, as you mentioned. You know, if you've experienced any kind of abuse, usually sexual abuse as well, that's a really big blocker for the voice. But any kind of abuse, any kind of unsafe relationship, this really impacts your ability to express in, again, all different kinds of scenarios. Another one that we're dealing with is ancestral trauma. Which I feel often goes amiss in the work. And for me, like ancestral trauma, you know, coming into that space didn't come until much later in my journey. And it came through actually a sacred dance. And suddenly I had these visions coming through and suddenly I was like, whoa, okay, I have all of this shame that has, you know, clearly blocking me in parts of my life. If I really see to this and really look back in my line, there's so much shame. That we're carrying so much shame, especially because of the feminine, right? Which then leads me on to subconscious programming of the collective, as you mentioned, with regards to the feminine and, and how it has been so suppressed. And I know that we're changing this. You know, the feminine has been bleeding through so powerfully since the pandemic, but throughout history it has always been the masculine in authority. So we have still quite a way to go with, you know, bringing the balance in. And then of course we do have, yeah, cultural, societal, and religious programming, what they say about women's voices. And then what sort of is an echo of that is the fifth one, which is our conditioned behaviors and patterns that we've picked up from our guardians, from those adult figures in our life when we were growing up, you know, our mother's ability to be heard, our father's ability to create a safe space for her to be heard, you know, what we see growing up. And so, yeah, there are layers, lots of layers to unpack when it comes to the voice. And what I often see is that, you know, women come to me and they say, my throat's blocked, and they kind of make the association being with just the space. They might think that it just has everything to do— something's going on with the vocal cords or just, you know, they keep getting ill, but it's really not. It has everything to do with the lower chakras. And that is all of that unpacking, right? The lower chakras being the sacral space, the solar plexus. And so it's a bottom to top approach in becoming fully voiced.

Okay.

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Mm, yes. I love that you mentioned that there. I get a lot of questions, especially in business, about unblocking the throat chakra. Mm-hmm. So it, it's, I think it's valuable that you've mentioned when you feel that there's a throat block, it's not necessarily just looking at the throat. It's like all of the energy centers below that that kind of come first. Yeah. Interesting. Is there anything else you could add on that? Like if someone's like, oh, I think my throat chakra is blocked, like what would you say to that?

I always say there are— there's a few things that we need to address in order for us to overcome the block. Whether it's balancing or activating it. There is voice activation and that is done through exercises and tools. So, you know, like singing mantra, chanting, any kind of singing, any kind of humming is great for voice activation. But then there's also working through, yeah, these subconscious blocks that we're dealing with because of the 5 root blocks and nervous system, nervous system patterns that have been playing out. Again, I mean, I know you will know this, but it takes a while for us to build newness in the nervous system and really be able to show up in a way that, you know, is more comfortable for us as we're making these new behaviors, we're changing these behaviors. So it really is like a whole body thing, which is why I always say, you know, I'm addressing mind, I'm addressing emotions, I'm addressing energy. And what comes into play here as well is vibration. So I just want to dive into that a little bit more. I very much work with— have you heard of the work of Dr. Hawkins? No. So lower vibration. We all sit at a certain vibration, a calibration, and this is what makes us either attractive or unattractive, right? It's also what enables us to be less emotionally reactive and really just flow through life with ease and grace. And wherever we're sitting at on the calibration scale, our emotional state, or it's also referred to as the consciousness scale. That is what we are expressing through the voice. That is what is heard through the voice. So when you're addressing your voice, there is so much of the work that really needs to be addressing your vibration and clearing the negative bubbles in your field so that you are going up the scale. And then that is heard, you know, it's felt in your body language. It's, it's felt in your communication. It's felt in that constant transmission with yourself, with the universe, and with people. It's happening all the time. And the reason why that's such a hot topic for me is because, you know, your voice plays such a huge part in manifesting the life that you want, because we are in constant communication with the world, with people, you know, to influence and inspire, to really create change. We're in constant communication and with everything, the language that we're putting out, that is, you know, talking to the universe in regards to what we feel we're worthy of. And, you know, how unlimited we are showing up as. So it's all the package, like the whole human has to be seen to for unblocking the throat chakra. And this is really high up in the space of the energy system, right? Root chakra, sacral chakra, solar plexus, heart chakra is all below the throat chakra. And for me, like I found I was working with clients and when I began coaching, I was very much helping people move away from depression and fatigue and anxiety and stress and really just thriving on a well-being level. And then what I had seen with my clients was that they'd get to the end of their journey. They, they would have done so much healing, but then they wanted to step into purpose and they wanted to help other people with the same thing that they'd moved through. But the idea of doing this meant them stepping forward vocally and being heard, and that just instilled so much fear in them. And that's really when I started to see like, okay, this is a space that is clearly a block for a lot of women. And again, because of what we're unpacking, so of course it's going to be a block. And, you know, now my clients, they're leaders, they're already doing business, they're already very successful, but they're still experiencing these things bleeding through into their work that are still like silencing them to some degree. So yeah, it's a lot like I, I really feel there's this kind of unconsciousness still when it comes to the voice in our space, in the world of transformation. And yet with the technology that we have now with the online spaces, it's really one of the most important aspects of us that we should be focusing on in order to make contribution, in order to really make impact and in turn, you know, make the money that we desire to make and really create the lives that we dream of.

Yeah, I totally agree. I had such a similar experience when I started in life and mindset and kind of subconscious reprogramming coaching. That was my arena. And so many of those women who had amazing transformations in their own lives, then went on to be like, I— this is something that feels like a purpose for me. I have a greater mission to help drive this throughout the rest of the world. But then comes that block of like, who am I to show up? Who's going to listen to me? No one cares what I have to say. Like, I don't have the authority, all of that stuff, which is all the, you know, the blockage of the voice. What I'm curious to hear about is how this became your life's work. Like, what do you have a personal story as it relates to learning how to own your own voice? Like, why is this the thing that you're like, this is what I want to do?

Yeah, great question. And I'll give you a shortened version because we could be here all day. Totally.

I'm the same way.

People ask me for my story, I'm like, um, how long can I do this? And even, yeah, Sorry, I interrupted you there.

No, let's go. Let's dive in. I want to hear— I want to hear the shortened version or as many details as you want to share with us.

Yeah. So at 8 years old, I was diagnosed with very, very bad obsessive compulsive disorder, chronic stress, chronic anxiety, and depression. Well, at the age of 8, and that had been triggered from witnessing my mum have a nervous breakdown at the age of 7. And so I basically struggled for 19 years with these problems until one day at 27, around when I was kind of in between 27, 28, I said, enough, enough. I had also— I was also experiencing suicidal thoughts throughout that time as well, on and off. And so it really was a situation of if I don't change my mentality towards this and really let go of the identity that I'm a sick person, then I don't know how long I'm going to be here for. Right. And I had already been dabbling in my healing, so I'd already, you know, was getting into yoga. That was very, very beneficial for me. But I wasn't committed to it until this day when I decided, all right, this is the point where I finally devote to it. This has got to be the journey I go on because, you know, I am now going to heal myself and I'm going to do it naturally. I never went on medicines for the depression. I didn't want to go on anything else. It just felt really right for me to do this on my own. And just in that decision alone, the healing began. And I had healed these things within probably— wait, I want to say like 7 months, these things were starting to really shift and leave my body and leave my mind. And also taking— so it's through the holistic approach, but it was also really opening up spiritually as well. And because I was so in much pain as a kid back then, I ended up really taking to performing, you know, singing, dancing, and acting because it helped me to release this bound energy, this trauma that I was packing, that I had in my body. And it helped me to really escape this internal struggle that I was experiencing every day. And singing literally regulates the nervous system. Dance is a somatic movement.. And I was dysregulated, so I intuitively found my medicine. And it's not until, you know, becoming a coach, you look back and you realize, whoa, like that's why I did those things. But I was, yeah, finding medicine to really help me survive the lows. And so I started performing at around age 8, but I began finding my voice and my expression on stage at around 14, which really helped me blossom as a person, as a teenager. And around this time as well, what then came into play, and I'm sure many women can relate to this, was the sisterhood wounds that became a real problem. And, you know, you're at this age where jealousy and boys are coming into play and everything sisterhood wound related. And I always, I always like to tread carefully when I'm talking about this because I have so much forgiveness for this, this trauma in my life. But to put it simply, I had a best friend who had seen me coming into my light and clearly was triggered by it. She decided to turn on me, and then she puppeteered my friendship group as well to all turn on me. So I was then in a position of being just brutally bullied by people that were once very close to me. And yeah, now looking back, I can really recognize that It was because I was stepping into light and it was too much for some, right? And we see this even, you know, at our age now, it can be triggering to see someone in their light. And so back then, you know, I was hit with betrayal, I was hit with rejection, I was hit with misjudgment. And that experience, it really silenced me. You know, I would contract in social settings. I had social anxiety. I felt safer at home on my own. Or one-on-one with friends. And I was even nicknamed the quiet girl for some time. And I remember being one-on-one with friends and, you know, they'd say to me, they'd express their love for me and they'd probe me and they'd say, you know, why are you not more out here? Why aren't you hanging out as much? You know, we really value you. You're an awesome person. But I guess like looking back, no one— and even I know adults now who don't realize how badly bruised they were from being bullied. And back then I couldn't really explain that. I guess I wasn't aware of that being the reason. But bullying is a big trauma. And becoming a coach, I then was faced with this reality that, okay, like this is something that I get to heal now because this is going to help me, you know, really step forward authentically in front of a room, rooms full of people. And not just, you know, people my age or younger, but adults. You know, a lot of women experience blocks when it comes to showing up in front of adults or people that are older than them. And I was doing this, so I had to tend to that, that trauma. I had to really, really resolve that. And I think when you're also going through so much as a kid, having such a big trauma on top of the shit that was already happening inside my head, You know, it was really tough. And I just remember as well, like, I, I always neglected this pull from within me that was very, very much with me offstage. It was like this deep calling to step up and to be more forward outside of playing characters in plays and musicals. And yeah, it was this calling to be up front and really express my unique perspectives and really share my voice with ease and actually enjoying it. So years later, I had a professional career in theater and film, and inevitably I trained at one of the best drama schools in the UK. And I had all the skills to be voiced in character. But it wasn't until I began healing the trauma that silenced me that I actually unlocked my full voice and my authentic voice in every area of my life. And, you know, suddenly I'm there deciding to set up my own business at 27, 28, within literally weeks of returning from India from my first qualification as a yoga teacher. And I'm suddenly like, whoa, okay, I'm going to set up a business. I'm going to lead people of all ages and all backgrounds with my voice. And then, you know, gradually I became really creatively creative with my voice as well within my business. And I still do that today. And the more I did this, the more I was able to show up in contribution. And thrive doing so, you know, really began attracting the right audience, really began attracting soulmate clients. And it's funny because my clients these days, they have this— there's such specific boxes that they all tend to tick. And when they come in, I'm always so pleasantly surprised, like, wow, like I'm really being authentic here because, you know, these women, they want to be creative with their voice. They also want to use it for business. They also want to make sure that they're authentic in their relationships. So yeah, it's, it's so clear how authenticity is so, so important in what we do and really not just shifting our clients but attracting people into our message and to the work that we're delivering.

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Mm.

Yeah, that last piece on authenticity is so, so true. I think when— if you're unable to be your fullest expression of yourself, yeah, especially in business, you ultimately don't get to attract those client relationships that feel so juicy and pure and soul aligned, because you, you only have that magnetism for that type of person when you can actually be your full self and be expressed. But there's so many things that you said that like weirdly, like I so resonate with the different like parts of your story. And I really appreciate you sharing that with us. There was something that you said about, well, I mean, yoga was one of my first things that I went into when I decided that I wanted to heal, when I was sick of like the negative self-talk and not feeling like I was good enough. And I was really kind of in like a, a body image space. But I really went deep into yoga as well and also became an instructor. And you mentioned like 7 months. And it's funny because that time of my life I decided I'm going to, I'm going to quit like my gym membership and I'm not going to go to a gym. And it was 7 months. That I didn't go to a gym and I just did yoga and I like fully committed to that journey. It was like yoga every day. And that was like how I felt within those 7 months. I was like, I'm, I'm me again. I'm back to myself. So I totally resonated with that. And then I also was a dancer growing up, a competitive dancer. That was like my whole, whole journey. And I had a similar, similar sisterhood wound when I was a kid. Like my, my two best friends, they probably similar experience, saw me kind of like rising into my light. They made up a story about me, got everyone else to turn against me and, you know, shut me out of the group and kind of leave me on my own. So, so much of what you shared just really deeply resonated with me on like a personal level. And I know that I've done an episode before on the Sisterhood Wound, and I think women come out of the woodwork when you finally start to bring that to the forefront and talk about it because it's like, yeah, we've all felt that on some level. We've all experienced that. And I think the important piece of what you were saying is that a lot of the times we don't realize how much those things have affected us, right? Like, I would have never even considered that thing that happened to me when I was in 4th or 5th grade bullying until I was having a conversation about it with my therapist. And she was saying, well, talk to your mom about it, see what she remembers about it. My mom was like, that was totally bullying. And I'm over here like, I was never bullied. Like, so really being able to kind of reflect and look back and see what were the things that may have led to these blockages of us feeling like we're unable to show up in our most, most authentic selves.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you for sharing that. Yeah, absolutely. And again, I'm not surprised that you can resonate with that because it is, it is, it has been a problem, Sister Edwin. It still is. You know, we're in a time now in adulthood that we can work through these and be conscious. So we are, you know, actively looking into the triggers if they are coming up. But I also think, you know, as kids, often being bullied or being in any way teased at school can be normalized by parents, by adult figures. And that's when it gets kind of, you know, a little bit invalidating and dangerous because, you know, again, this bullying trauma, it is, it is defined as a big trauma. And if you are not aware that it's happening in that period of your life and then it suddenly will just creep up on you and bite you in the ass later. I've seen that happen a lot. And it's wonderful that now we are in a world where trauma isn't such a scary word. It's really being used by a lot of people in, you know, the healthcare system as well. People are understanding that everyone has trauma. It's just about finding what traumas have impacted what part of us as humans, and especially the bullying trauma. For me, that is like one of the biggest traumas that do impact the throat space. And it doesn't just impact the throat space, it actually impacts everything on a soul level. Like I remember, and maybe you can resonate with this, but I remember feeling like really confused. And so I was thinking, what have, what have I done to deserve this? What am I, a bad person? Is there something wrong with me? And of course, that bleeding through into every other relationship that you can have in life. You're super conscious, super self-conscious about how you're showing up, to the point where you're critiquing yourself a lot as well, when actually you're doing a really good job. And it's kind of catching the self-beats that can also develop from the trauma of being rejected or, you know, um, really victimized by those who have been close to you. And I often think with bullying, it's one thing to be bullied by by a crowd of people that you weren't friends with, but to be bullied by people that you let into your life. For me, like, on reflection, I really think that was the most bruising part of it. You know, these were people that were so close to me and, and I really opened up to. And, um, it's something that even now, like, I work through certain things that come up in the way that I'm conscious about showing up in my friendships and really letting people into my life. Like, I'm someone who doesn't need a big tribe of people. I prefer one-on-one friends from all over the world. I have this one-on-one tribe base and that works for me. And then I often question, is it because I once had that tribe of people and that happened? And so I just fear like being in a tribe again. I'm constantly unpacking the same trauma that is so related to the throat wound, but also bleeds in. Yeah, in other ways on every level in, in our, in our journey.

Yeah. So interesting that you talk about that, like tribe, the difference between having a big group of friends and having, you know, just small one-on-one friends. Because as you were saying, as you were talking about how it affected you or what the direction you felt like you went in after that experience, I was just, I was listening and kind of thinking, pondering, yeah, I wonder like what my sort of response was to that. And even before you said that, I was like, well, I think my response after that in terms of friendships was like, keep your circle small. And I was then never again the person with like the biggest group of friends, like, and I haven't ever been since then. Like, I have lots of friends in different spaces, but it's like small groups of just like tight knit. And that's probably come— that's like what feels safe to me, I guess now. I don't know. But it's— yeah, so interesting to look at like how that— how we navigate through those things and the patterns and things that can be created as an effect of it. So I'd love to talk about relationships, because we can all— we all relate with people. And no matter what your relationship status is like, whether you're single, in a committed relationship, dating, wherever you're at, I think this idea of owning your voice really impacts the quality of our relationships. So I'd love for you to give some examples maybe of how maybe not owning your voice could show up in a relationship specifically. What might you end up doing or not doing?

So how we do relationships is how we do life, right? We can't get away from relating. We are community-based beings and the voice ownership. Yeah, it's very, very, very important in our relationships and again, has everything to do with you having the ability to create the life that you want so you're not in a position where you're feeling violated all the time and therefore emotionally reactive and you're just living in such low vibration. So to talk about a couple of points, actually, I'll probably start with a few and then we'll come up with more because relationships again with voice ownership, there's so much to impact. One real common thing for someone who's not owning their voice in relationships that will come up is misunderstandings and conflicts with either their partner or their friends or whoever they're relating with because they have felt difficulty in expressing their needs and their desires effectively. And we really all want to be seen. We want to be heard. We want to be felt. We desire that from birth, right? Especially by those close to us. So this, when we're not able to effectively express our truth, our needs, our wants, our nos, for example, we— it's like a feeling of violation, you know, and then we start to question the relationships that we're in. And really, it's, it's on our part to make sure that we're showing up really open and loud in what matters to us. And also feelings of, of not being heard or seen can bring on loneliness. Isolation. Like, I've definitely been in relationships where I have felt single even though I'm with someone, and it's because I've not been with the right person. So my expression has felt suppressed, and I've almost, you know— and this is way back before healing— but suppressed, like, my truth because it was just easier. I felt it was easier, but it was actually totally not easy.

Ultimately, ultimately harder in the end.

Yeah, ultimately harder. Yes. Um, and also like, you know, someone who's not owning their voice will really struggle in setting and maintaining these healthy boundaries. And we're all entitled to have boundaries, personal boundaries. And, um, if we're enabling these to kind of, you know, not be heard, we're basically creating opportunity for the other person to take advantage of us, to violate us, or to mistreat us. That's a really, really important thing for us to, to to really express what our boundaries and our preferences are in any given scenario. So, you know, I remember having a talk with a friend once about my hygiene boundaries. There was a— I had a hairbrush and she would keep using it and I'd communicate with her, listen, I don't want to share my hairbrush. I'd prefer to just have, you know, because it's your hair, I'd prefer to just have my own hairbrush and you have a hairbrush, so can you use that please? And even after I'd communicated this, there was still a struggle in that boundary being heard and the boundary being respected. And that really impacted the friendship that I had with this person. So it's really important to be able to express your boundaries and also, you know, feeling like you're not able to be your true self and really show up authentically in any relationship can have you feeling very unfulfilled and unsatisfied as a person. And this can then put you off having any relationship moving forward. I see it a lot with women that I work with who have, you know, had difficult relationships and authenticity has, you know, been playing in as a problem. They get to the point where they just give up. They're like, it's much easier being on my own because then I don't have to show up for anyone else. Then I can just be my true self and there's no pressure. And it really doesn't have to be like that. You know, it can be very easy to show up from a place of pure, like, unfiltered, this is who I am. And if, if it's for you, great. If it's not, accept it. But again, this is a real block for some, some women. Also not experiencing in relationships when we're not fully voiced. It can really hinder our experiencing of pleasure. So in intimacy with our partner, in sexual interaction, if we're suppressing vocally, if we're keeping quiet because we're fearing, you know, oh, he— I don't want him to hear this, this sound come from me, it literally limits us receiving the full capacity of the pleasure that we could be receiving. Um, and like the vagina and the voice, I'm sure we'll get into this, but the vagina and the voice are very much connected and naturally We want to move energy through our voice when we're being stimulated, when we're orgasming. And if you're not allowing yourself to safely do that, that will also impact how you're relating with your, with your romantic partner. And then there's, there's feeling like, feeling like you can't assert yourself and be, you know, an advocate for your own needs and wants. And this can have you feeling very undervalued. Very unsupported in your relationship. So yeah, if any of these are playing out for any of your listeners, listeners, this is a real opportunity to really look into, you know, how you're showing up and if you're giving yourself permission to be fully expressed, fully voiced. Because when you do, you know, you're going to have a healthy relationship. Your relationships are going to be very, very healthy. I've seen it myself in my own relationships. I'm in a relationship right now, which feels so healthy. And we both— for us, our first thing is communication. That's what we're super hot on. And then everything comes after that. And we really can't relate unless that is in place. That's my belief. Yeah.

Yeah. So I just thought of an example from literally the other day that I'll share as something that I'm, I'm getting better at and that I do more now in terms of like voicing my needs or feelings in the relationship, whereas when I was younger, whether it was because of, you know, not feeling like it was the cool thing to do to be able to voice my needs in a relationship, or also just because I was like a lot younger. And it comes with like maturity and learning and also being on this healing path and understanding the importance of these things. But the other day I was— I said something to my partner about how I had had like such a long day or like a really crazy day. It was a really overwhelming, like super busy day. And I was just voicing that, like I had a hard experience that day. And the first thing that he said was, oh my God, and me, I was, I was doing this and I was at the office and then I had to go to that. And it was like, it was like his hard day for me felt like was trying to overshadow that I wanted to communicate and be heard in my hard day. And instead of like getting upset or annoyed about it and just like moving on and letting that be like a drop in the bucket that eventually is going to fill up and then overflow and explode into something later, I just said, I love you, and I know you didn't mean it like that, but sometimes when I share how I'm feeling and you immediately insert your version of it, it feels like you haven't given me space to just be in the feeling of what I'm experiencing. And he was like, you're right. I'm so sorry. Like, I didn't mean to do that. I'm so sorry. And then it was a hug and then it was over. And I think that's just like a random example that I thought of, but it's like beautiful to illustrate how when you can be in the ownership of your voice, like you eliminate so many problems, you just eliminate so many silly, like, arguments or, you know, stifling those feelings of like, oh, he doesn't see me or he doesn't hear me, or it's all— it's a competition of who had the worst day or whatever. Right. So that's a— that's a— that's a small example. But are you going to say something? I also want to— I want to go into the, the, the sexual part of it, too, because I think that's really important.

Yeah. So just on what you shared there, again, things like, you know, tips for that kind of thing. We can always communicate before we communicate, right? I want to share something with you, but I'd like you to just hold space for me. Do you have the capacity for that right now? Right. And, you know, so you're kind of like preempting the possibility of you not feeling heard, you not having the focus on you for a moment. You know, something that we also do in our relationship, me and Stuart, um, is we sit down together and we ask each other, what do you need more of? What do you need more of from me? And for me, a lot of the time is just, I'm saying, I just need you to, to be there to listen and to hold space and to just hold me whilst I'm having a day. Um, so if we can really get even more conscious about how we're communicating and sharing with our partners, it just opens up more space for the relationship to, to really flourish and more safety for both sides. Because, you know, then comes reciprocity. If you are asking for your partner to lean in, you also have to be open to the idea of leaning in for them. So one day they might turn around to you and say, listen, this is about me right now. I've got something that I really need to unload on you. Let me know you have the capacity for it and let's go for it. So it's kind of— it really bleeds into, yeah, reciprocity as well in relationship, which is hugely important for healthy, healthy relating, authentically relating.

That reminds me too of like that question of are you looking for comfort or a solution or like, are you available to solutions or would you like feedback or do you just want me to hear you? Things like that. Yeah.

Sharing.

Yeah. Because especially as women, so often I think that can can be a space where we feel like we're not heard. If, if you're sharing something and the partner immediately goes to, well, why don't you just do this? And like tries to provide and you're like, now why don't you just tell me that you understand how much it sucks and how horrible it is?

And because then there's the whole thing of, you know, I often I've had clients say to me, should I be advising my friends when they come to me with problems? Like, is it— is this because I talk about advice a lot. And if you're someone who's naturally giving a lot of advice, before even being asked for it, the massive suggestion is that, okay, that advice is probably for yourself and every question you're asking out without giving, you know, without having permission to actually give that advice or questions, always ask yourself first. So that's something that we also get to, to look out for. You know, if you've got a friend who is always going into the space of advising you, again, setting up ahead of the game, like, you know, that this is what she does, so, or he does. So I'm going to sit down before I share this and I'm just going to say, Just hold me. I don't want solutions. I don't want any questions or probing. I just want to spill and I just want you to hold me as I do and really listen and take it in. So yeah, it's like setting up for the communication.

Yeah, I love that. Like being prepared and voicing like the need before, before the spill. Need before the spill, girls. Yeah. Okay. So I want to circle back to the piece around sexuality and experiencing pleasure. I think one thing that comes up for me is maybe like being able to initiate sex, I think is a huge piece of voice ownership when it comes to sexual relationships. And you mentioned like experiencing the full, the full range of, of, of pleasure and then Of course, like, I can't leave this conversation without us at least touching on the voice and the vulva and the anatomic connection between the vulva and the vocal cords, because I just think it's fascinating and people will find so much value in that. So yeah, let's, let's go a little bit deeper on this connection between voice and sexuality and the actual anatomy of that.

Yeah, absolutely. It's a really popular topic and again, is something that I don't feel covered enough within our space, or at least I don't see a lot of it out there. Most importantly, we really want to understand that both of these spaces are our main power portals to the outside world or gateways to the outside world. So in terms of vulva and voice or yoni and voice relation, the first connection is that the word cervix comes from the Latin word neck. There's one connection right there. Now anatomically, if you actually look at a picture of these two spaces, And I remember putting a post out about this and it got so many hits. People love this. Like it's something that we don't know. I feel like for the most part, people don't really know anatomy anyway. And it's not until I became a yoga teacher that I was, wow, like, wow, I didn't even know that was called this. And it's so hard to remember as well. Again, there's a level of just unknowing around what is actually the function of our bodies and what we are working with. But anatomically, these two spaces, have such a similar structure. They're both surrounded by diaphragmatic muscles that also move in tandem with the breath. So they have everything to do with the breath. So breath consciousness in relationship to your voice is very, very important. And so you think about when we have sex, when we orgasm, we, we open our mouths when we're having sex naturally and we do go to sound for the most part. You know, sometimes women a lot of the time put a block on that sound. For me, it's certainly something that I worked through because I have quite, you know, I really like using my voice and I can have quite a raw sound. And this is actually the first relationship that I've been in that I felt very, very safe to just unleash the rawness of my, of my voice during sex. And it is the best sexual relationship I've ever had for one of, you know, that being a reason. So it's a very natural response for us to sound and open our mouths because as we're opening up our, you know, yoni to receive, the mouth is like a mirror to that. They're very, very connected and our yoni is pulsating, it's contracting when we orgasm. So just opening up our voice more and more to make noise is just such a natural way for us to be able to express and move the energy that is in our whole system. And it's the same with women giving birth. It's a very, very similar thing. The vocal cords open up for the sound to come through so the pelvis can open up for the baby. And another interesting part of this connection is the vagus nerve, which is the largest nerve in our body, and it's the nerve that connects these two regions. It runs from the sacrum up your spinal column to your brain, and it's a sensory nerve. So it responds to, you know, skin touch, movement, pressure. And any sounding as well that we can do stimulates our nerve, our vagus nerve. So humming, singing, mantra, chanting, moaning, we're stimulating the vagus nerve, which is regulating our nervous system. And the voice and the vulva are also— they are the representation of femininity and female power. You know, they're both associated with the ability to create and give birth to new life. Whether it's through physical birth or through the creation of new ideas and ways of communicating. These are also symbols of self-expression and self-empowerment. And the vulva represents the ability to give and receive pleasure, while the voice also represents the ability to express oneself and participate in exchanging energy through communication. We give and receive through both, and they've both been traditionally suppressed and repressed. In many cultures. And so that reclaiming both of the vulva and the voice can be a way of really reclaiming personal power and autonomy, which in turn can improve every area of our lives. And when it comes to us really expressing our sexual needs and desires, again, a problem that I see a lot in my clients and just women that I meet in other events. It comes back to us being able to honor and validate our own truth so that we then decide, I'm going to create a, create a safe space here for me to express this to my partner. Because in doing this, it then means that my partner can connect with me deeper, can really gain understanding about what I desire. And we're all winning when that's the case. But yeah, the reason why the block comes in again is because of all these things that have that have come into play, all the traumas, all the ancestral pain, all the shame that we carry as women in the sacral space, in the root chakra area. So much shame. And shame is, is a vocal blocker. It's a vocal stopper. So just on this note, like, if you are someone who feels like you don't have the connection with the vulva and the voice or you're blocked in either space, they're going to be interconnected. But also I question, you know, how are you healing your shame? And how are you healing your shame, not only from your lifetime, but from your ancestors? Because shame I have seen in my clients is, is evident in everyone, you know, from societal, cultural aspects as well. Shame is the lowest vibration that is very much connected with fear and anxiety, and it is the stopper on our voice. So just healing that shame again, in this work is so, so crucial.

Yeah, I know so many. I don't know if you're familiar with Glennon Doyle, but they had a— she has a podcast and she, she wrote the book Untamed, which kind of like went viral during the pandemic. And she's got a podcast and they did this, this episode a while back, but it was called like Silent Sex Queen. And it was, you know, her and her wife and her sister. And they were having this really raw conversation about how challenging it is for them to speak during sex. Like, she's like, I'm just complete— I can't say anything. Like, I can't say like, yes, no, I like it, I don't like it, do more of that. And so I think it just illustrates and highlights for so many of us like where the vocal block can be seen in the sexual experience. For anyone who's wondering, like, I wonder, like, is, is, is my voice and vulva connected? Like, so just kind of thinking about that because I know I definitely feel that as well. It's challenging for me to, to speak during, like, sexually intimate moments, and I have to, I have to really, really work on that. I'm interested to hear one last point on this because we know that a lot of women might block or suppress the voice or vocal expression during intimacy. I'm wondering what you have to say about someone who accentuates it or exaggerates it or maybe feels the need to perform it.

Yeah, being overperformative, demonstrative. It's overactive. It's an overactive throat chakra. So as much as I've spoken about, you know, the difficulty to express, there is also the other side of it where you are totally out of balance, totally overactive in that throat space that you're compensating for this deep self-beating that's going on. And this— yeah, it can look like very extrovert, too the too muchness. I never like to say too much because no one's too much and we should never, ever take that on as a belief. But it's just a case of always questioning, you know, where is this coming from? And one of the things in intimacy is that if you're someone who has been so deeply, you know, programmed by society and you've kind of found consciousness and spirituality later on in life, the first place that we can go to is, have I picked this up from porn? Have I picked this up from programming that says a woman needs to make these sounds? A woman needs to be, you know, like, I know my partner is, is so connected with Japan and he, I remember him telling me that the women in Japan in, you know, porn have this certain way of vocalizing. It's very different to other, other cultures and He— it's like a real programming for these women, and they're kind of like really squeaky with it and very like high-pitched. And again, it comes from a place of them thinking that that's how they have to show up vocally in the bedroom to please, because men like that, right? Programming suggests. So just always analyzing as well, you know, if you're overactive, if you're being so loud, Where is that coming from? Is it authentic? And also, if you're someone who I call it, I think the actual correct term for it is called logorrhea. I found that word like last year, but vocal diarrhea, which doesn't just bleed, you know, in come through in our sex life, but it can come through in just general conversation, speaking, or when you're holding an event. You know, I've been to events where facilitators have just really, really given so much information and, and it has very much felt like I haven't had the space, the capacity to process myself. Um, so just being conscious of logorrhea, vocal, vocal, uh, diarrhea. And then there's vocal constipation, which is the other, the other end of that. Uh, just a general consciousness with your voice. And I think more importantly, you know, we used to call in drama school, they call people who are disconnected from their bodies vocally are called talking heads. And this is also something that I do see a lot. I see it a lot online and I see it a lot in younger women. There's this need to kind of fit in vocally and be sweet and really well-behaved and very light-voiced. Again, not assertive, not direct. But the beautiful thing that we get to really explore with voice work is stepping into the masculine, stepping into the more direct, stepping into being more penetrative with our vocal energy so that we can reach a range of people. We're not just, you know, connecting with the people who are more in the feminine. It's a little bit like you're reaching an audience and you're seeing to their emotions. You're also seeing to their logic. We want to be able to explore our range in delivery so that we're connecting with more people and have that versatility in our delivery. To expand, to grow whatever it is you're offering, whether it's, you know, growing a system of more friends, bigger tribe, or in your, in your work life and you're growing your client base.

Yeah, it's interesting to me to look back and maybe you can see this as well in some of your work, but like to look back on old videos or old Instagram stories or things that I shared and see the actual evolution of my voice. Like as I evolve, as I grow, as I step more into myself, like my voice does as well. And it does. It becomes like more deeper, more embodied, more assertive, more confident. And you can just— it's undeniable. You can just hear that evolution in the voice.

Yeah. And I said this to you at the beginning, I feel like you, you very much know your authority. You know, you are an expert in your field and you can hear that in your voice. And so I feel comfortable and your audience will feel comfortable taking you in and trusting you for part of their journey. And again, that is just highlighting the value in having that awareness and really doing the work with your subconscious blocks in overcoming the self-doubt, in overcoming imposter syndrome, in getting out of the shaky frequencies. Because that's another thing. If I always use the story of, you know, I remember sitting in theater and a lot of people can relate to this. You're in theater, you're watching someone on stage but the person that you're watching is nervous in their skill. Like they might be singing a song or delivering a scene, but they're nervous. They're very, very shaky in their frequency. And you're sitting there and you're on the edge of your seat because you feel uncomfortable watching them. You don't feel secure in their performance. You don't feel like they've got you and they're bringing you in. They're in their heads. They're stuck in their fear of, oh, am I doing this right? Am I going to be received? And it very much is that in the online space. If you're listening to a podcast and someone isn't in their frequency, doesn't know their value, doesn't know their worth, doesn't know their expertise, or is even owning their expertise, it then makes it difficult to, to listen to that person and to buy into what they're, they're sharing and to, to learn from them. And I believe a lot of people have knowledge. So many people have knowledge to share. And a real blocker for them getting that out is that they feel like they're not an expert yet. They're not. And I remember Mal, I did a workshop with Mal and I say this because I know that you, that you've worked with her a lot. And I remember this was way back when I was getting into coaching and she said, you only have to be one step ahead of someone else in order to help them. And I was reminding my partner of this today. You have to be just one step ahead. You don't have to know all the answers, but if you're one step ahead, you can help them.. And it's about owning that and not putting too much pressure on all the things that, you know, you're still learning or you think you should know. You can show up in authority, in ownership, firstly because you know knowledge, but also your own wisdom, your own life experience. And if the, what you're doing for work and how you're showing up is aligned to your person and really what you've moved through, then there really shouldn't be any blocks on what you're doing. You should be comfortable in, in in how you're sharing with the world, you get to be comfortable and you get to very much be in that vibration that is comfortable for other people to take you in as well and receive your message.

That was some— that message from Mel, like, rang so true for me as well when I was in my journey of transitioning into the business mentorship space. She was like, you're beyond ready for this. You don't need to be like this this 12-figure coach, like, crazy person to be able to help someone with something. So I love that, that you touched on that, because I know a lot of our listeners are gonna really resonate with that reminder of, like, you have so much to give, you have so much value to share. You don't need to be Oprah in order for people to want to listen to you, you know. I love that. I'd love to— before we close, I'd love to hear you share a little bit more about The Voice of Her Academy. This is where women can become fully voiced in their business, in their love, and in their life. So I'd love for you to tell us about what that's all about.

Yeah. So the Voice of Her Academy is a year-long online school coaching container course program. I don't really like labels, but it is a space that really supports women on their journey of becoming fully voiced in every area of life, relationships, love life, work life or business. So it's professional and personal, becoming fully voiced in those spaces. And we meet up once a month. I take my clients through this deep dive for the month. It's more of a slow, progressive course because the other course that is currently still open is the Owning Voice program, and that's one-on-one work with me. That's a 10-week intensive journey. And so the V.O.A.Cademy is about bringing women into the space and letting them go through a slower process when it comes to owning themselves and owning their energy and voice, whether it's for their relationships or their business or just professional reasons. But it supports women in unleashing their truth to the world and, and helping them learn to actually— because it's one thing unleashing your truth, but actually enjoying the process of showing up authentically expressed is another thing. And that's what I feel is the base of my message. Like, we get to enjoy showing up to do this work. This isn't a game of just, I'm doing this because I need to earn money, or, you know, I need to have a healthy relationship. It's, I desire— I should desire to really flourish in my full self, in my full expression, and not have anxiety and not have these voices that get loud in my head every time I'm showing up in that way. We get to enjoy that. And so it's about stepping towards the most liberated version of yourself so that you can excel in every area of life and then in turn manifest the life that you are worth.

Mm. Yes. So important. I think for everybody listening, I hope this episode not only brought you value, but also brought to your attention how important this part of the healing work is. We've touched on so many different areas of your life, health, business, sex, so many things of how this like shows up and, and can be, yeah, can be preventing us from being in our fullest expression and also enjoying, as you just said, that journey of sharing who we are and what we have to offer. And it doesn't have to be this forced like, oh, I just have to do it and I have to be on camera and I don't like it and I hate it, but I'm going to do it anyway. But actually healing and arriving to that place of being able to enjoy that part of the process of owning who you are and sharing your voice authentically with the world. And we need more people who are doing that in order for us to get the collective consciousness to the place that we want it to be. We definitely need more soldiers in our army. So I highly encourage everyone who's listening to this, if you super resonated with Alyssa and her work and this is like a big thing for you that you want to conquer and you really want to work on in your life, to reach out to her, connect with her, check out her academy, and we'll link everything in the show notes for you guys. But also, Alyssa, I'd love for you to just share your social channels where you hang out most and where people can find you.

Yeah, thanks, Sam. So you can find me at @lys_martin. That's L-Y-S-M-A-R-T-Y-N. That's my main profile. And then off the side of that is @thevoco, which is all of the Voice of Her services. So I have my life coaching and then the Voice of Her is basically the current side sector of my business, which is focusing on women's voices. And my website is my name, www.alyssamartin.com or www.thevoiceofher.com. But you can find everything through alyssamartin.com. And if you beautiful women want to connect in any way, I am here for that. I was watching, listening to your podcast literally this morning, Sam, where you were saying, you know, we really want to use these social media platforms as a way to connect. And it's not about pedestaling yourself and, you know, being uncontactable for those because of boundaries. I really am open to connecting through my DMs. So any questions, any curiosities, please reach out to me. I am using my platforms for that and I really love doing that as well, connecting with women all over the world to help them create waves of good in the world. Because yeah, my mission is very much like yours in the way of I want to help people help the collective, help raise the vibration of the collective.

Yes. Yes, we love it. We love it so much. Well, I love you. I love your work. I so appreciate you hanging out with us and sharing all of your beautiful wisdom with us today. You guys have to go follow Alyssa and check out the graphic that we were talking about so that you can see the connection between the vocal cords and the vulva. I'm like obsessed with that. It's so freaking cool. So you have to go check it out. That's the last thing. And then we'll, we'll plug everything and link it all in the show notes so that you can connect with Alyssa. Thank you. So, so much. Thank you, everyone, for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure that you take a screenshot, share it to your Instagram stories, and tag both Alyssa and I. Let us know what you loved about this episode. Your shares help the show continue to grow and spread like wildfire to more women all over the world. So we so appreciate you doing that. And I will talk to you guys soon. Love you. Bye.