Why Successful Women are Dating the Wrong Men (and calling it a mindset problem)

What's up, you guys? Welcome back to the podcast. On today's episode, we're going to be talking about why successful women are dating the wrong men and calling it a mindset problem. So this conversation was actually inspired by one of my HighLevel clients who recently came to me asking for advice around this quote unquote debilitating mindset block that she'd been experiencing for a while and really struggling to clear. And this is someone who is really talented at mindset work, rewiring things. She's been doing this for a while, been in the personal development space for so long. And so it was really, really frustrating to feel like she couldn't fix this and she couldn't find a way around it. And so what she described to me was a situation where being a highly successful woman, someone who has a lot of visibility online, someone who's, you know, made a lot of money, 7 figures and beyond at this point, and being single also and in the dating scene, and how that can kind of bring up some fears and insecurities around how men are perceiving you. How are they seeing me when I meet a guy in real life, let's say, and then he asks for my Instagram, and then he sees my social media, and he's going to watch my videos, and is this content cringe? And maybe I don't want him to see that right away because I don't want to be judged based off of that. And so it creates this whole spiral of if you are in actively in the dating scene and meeting people or going on the first couple of dates with someone, you might get in your head about the content that you're posting. And, you know, she even described situations of posting a video and then thinking about, oh my gosh, what if this person sees it and how are they going to think of me when they see this video? And I don't want to sabotage getting to know them more or them thinking I'm weird, so fuck it, like, I'm just going to go and I'm going to delete it. And this has been a really big block, and this is not exclusive to this one client. I have talked to a lot of successful women who are experiencing this in today's dating world. They are really concerned about how they're being perceived. And even if it's not in the dating realm and you're listening to this episode, I think you can relate a lot of what we're going to talk about to your own fears, insecurities, when it comes to whoever watching your content, seeing you evolve, seeing these different versions of you, seeing you put out these different sides of your personality on video for the world to see on your social media. That can be really vulnerable. And I know so many of us have experienced this where you post something and it feels really authentic and it feels really true to you, and then one random person pops into your head whether it's like someone that you went to high school with, or it's a coworker, or it's someone from like a past job or something. And you're like, oh my God, what if they watch my story? What if they see this? Or what if they look at this post? And you start thinking about that post through the lens of that one particular person, and it totally fucks you up. And maybe you do go and you archive or you delete, and it makes you spiral. And this can have people overthinking their content, their brand, their online presence for a really long time. And I think especially when you're first starting out, if you are more of a beginner in terms of building your personal brand or building something online and trying to develop a persona that people want to follow, the best advice I can give if you're at that stage is bless and block. Like, anyone who's in your sphere that is gonna be holding you back, that is causing that overthinking, if there's a specific person or a few people that keep popping into your head, whether it's an ex or a friend or a family member or a coworker or someone who you post content and then you're like, oh my gosh, if they see that, It's gonna make me look so weird. And now I feel super cringe. Those people that keep consistently kind of coming to mind and making you overthink your content or how you're showing up online, you need to bless and block those people. It's not that there's anything wrong with them. Maybe there's something wrong with them. They might be shitty people, but also they might be people that you love. A lot of times this comes up for my clients with parents, with siblings, with exes, and even with like friends and people just that they know. It's like, it might be people that you love, but you know that in order to channel your most uninhibited authentic self, you can't have this knowing in your mind that they could be watching any of these things. So sometimes you just have to block and like get rid of people. But the conversation that we're gonna have today on this episode is about successful women, people who have built a certain level of visibility for themselves, who have a platform or are building a platform, who have a brand, who are building a business. They're making money. They have this established online persona that has created their success and they're trying to manage how to continue showing up and evolving and being authentic in that while also wanting to not be judged just by that or to be prejudged from who they are online and really seen for also who they are in the real world and not have guys get scared of seeing, you know, oh, she's like a social media person or she posts all these TikToks or she talks about relationships in her content or she talks about her exes or she talks about whatever. Because depending on also what your niche is and what your topics of conversations are, this can be really difficult. Think about people whose niches are in sexuality or intimacy or healing relationships, or like all of those things can actually add even more to this feeling of, oh my gosh, how is this guy that I like am liking and I want to date is going to perceive me? He's going to think I'm going to make the next video about him and dissect our date or talk about like, you know, maybe I am sharing things about my relationships or my past because it's part of how I teach and I tell these stories and that's really a turnoff, or it's intimidating to guys. I think there's so many different versions and iterations of how this could show up, but I know regardless of what your niche is, what your content is, or what point or place you are in your growth journey as a brand, if you are someone who is building something online, this is something that we've all experienced in one way or another. So let's dive into this conversation. We are gonna talk about how to stop dating the wrong guys and blaming yourself and thinking that it's your own mindset block. Let's dive in. Welcome to the Makeshift Happen podcast. I'm your host, Samantha Daly, entrepreneur, life coach, and your no BS bestie, here to bring you all things mindset, manifestation, and personal development. This podcast is designed to help you expand your mind and uplevel your life. So turn the volume up and roll the windows down if you're coming along for the ride. Let's go make shit happen. So as I mentioned, one of my HighLevel clients came to me, brought this issue to the table. She had mentioned that not just her but also a lot of her single friends also who were building brands and are in the online space experiences as well, and that they had tried so many things. They tried EFT, mantras, journaling, therapy, hypnosis, and that nothing was working. And she just wanted to bring the conversation into our mastermind, which is a space that's highly curated. It's all multi-six and seven-figure business owners. And so of course there's gonna be women in there who have experienced this in one way or another. And it sparked a really interesting conversation, which made me think, hmm, there's probably lots of other women who are also building in the online space that wanna hear this conversation. So let's bring it to the podcast. So there's a couple really key points that I want to make on this. The first point is the more that we kind of dissected what she was going through, I realized that this isn't actually a mindset issue. It's more of a rejection sensitivity. And I'll explain what I mean by that, because high achieving women like her, they've already built so much. They've already grown a following, they've already sold products, they've already built up this brand. They're not actually afraid of visibility anymore. It would be simplistic to reduce this to just the fear of being seen. So I don't think it's really about that. I actually think it's a fear of being misunderstood because she has the visibility, she has the platform. She's been doing this. She's been around the block many times in that regard. It's not a mindset issue of, oh, I'm afraid of being seen. It's more about this idea of like being misunderstood, especially when you are someone who has built something very big and very visible. Because she had said to me, like, no matter how much work I do on this, no matter how many times I try to like tell myself or hypnotize myself into believing that my husband is going to love and support my Instagram and he's going to love my content and whatever, like it's not clicking. She can know that and say that and affirm that and even believe that on a conscious level. But she's like, it is not— it's not connecting on a deeper level. It's not connecting on a subconscious level. My body and my instincts still feel like that's not true. And so I had said to her, I actually don't think it's a mindset issue about needing to believe on a subconscious level that your husband will love and support your Instagram. Like, I think the actual block here is a rejection sensitivity issue of are you willing to keep putting yourself out there and be misunderstood by the losers, by all the guys that are not actually meant to be for you. And rejection sensitivity is a lot higher in women with ADHD, which is something that I've learned recently. And a lot of highly successful entrepreneurial women have ADHD. If you're listening to the show, you might have experiences with that. Maybe you know you have ADHD, maybe you expect that you might have ADHD. But I heard Paris Hilton talking about this recently, and you're like, wow, what a source, Sam, Paris Hilton. But I actually heard, no joke, Paris Hilton talking about this on a podcast recently, and she was talking about how, you know, she talked a lot about ADHD and how learning about that diagnosis for herself made a lot of sense and connected a lot of dots, and it helped her do a lot of healing in her own life. But that she had learned from one of her doctors about this thing called RSD, which like 90-something percent of women with ADHD also have, which is rejection sensitivity dysphoria. And it's this thing where, like, because you have a non-neurotypical brain, because you have ADHD, it also makes you much more hypersensitive and hypervigilant to any criticisms, anyone judging you, any sort of rejection essentially. And it feels like a real physical pain in the body almost anytime that you are being rejected. Paris described it as having I think like demon voices of like really bad inner talk. She mentioned with her rejection sensitivity dysphoria. So I also know that on a very real level, we can experience rejection at a whole different intensity than other people, which can also add to this experience of being like, oh my gosh, what is this guy going to think of my video? I'm so embarrassed, I have to delete it. And then you keep deleting these videos because you're in a season of your life where you're actively trying to date and you're like, fuck, like I need to be posting these videos because it's for my brand. And my business and it's how I make money and all these things. And then you get really, really frustrated. And so you think that the problem is a mindset block of constantly worrying, like, what if this guy thinks I'm cringe? When in actuality, the real issue on a deeper level is you thinking, what if he doesn't see who I really am, right? Like, what if this person can't actually see me for me and can't see past what's happening in the online space? Because who we are online is just one piece of us. It's just one version of us, right? A lot of times we're even wearing a mask or kind of leaning into the highlight reel that social media is. We know that it's not actually the full expression of who we are. And no matter how authentic or real or raw we are, just social media could never actually be a complete expression of who we are as humans. And so it can be really vulnerable to feel like you're going to be judged for this one angle or this one side of yourself. And like, maybe someone's never going to give themselves the chance to really see you for who you actually are and who the human is behind that. And I just said to her, like, quite honestly, the guys who can't see who you are past the social media presence, beyond the facade of what's on your Instagram, or they aren't interested in getting to know more of you outside of that one part of your work, then they don't have enough brain cells to even be the right guy for you anyways. In other words, your mindset isn't the thing that's broken. You've just been attracting the wrong guys and letting them confuse you and make you want to like contort yourself and be a different version of yourself to make sure that they're perceiving you in the right light and that they'll actually see you for who you are beyond your videos. But why do you need guys to like you or think that you're cool if they're not even smart enough to understand the game of social media and what we're doing here? And that what you see online is just a persona, it's not the whole human. The second point I want to make about this is what happens when we tell ourselves that we have a huge block over and over and over again? What do you think is going to happen? Well, if you didn't have a block before, you do now. And if there was some type of block, now it's bigger. So I just am generally not a fan of reiterating to yourself over and over again, oh my God, I have this block, I have this block, I have this block, or I have this limiting belief, I have this limiting— I, I do not think that that's helpful. I don't think it's helping you make any progress. In fact, I think it's making you go backwards. And so I was like, listen, I think from the many conversations that you've had with your friends about this, you guys have kind of fed into this fear of being misunderstood and being rejected by men, so much so that it's now become an even bigger issue than it ever was. And by you telling yourself over and over again, like, I'm losing out on so much money, I'm losing out on millions because of this block and because how it's making me not post as much or delete posts, that is only reinforcing the fear, doubling down on it, and making it even more powerful to control you. So it's like building up this monster. And so what I actually recommended was rejection exposure therapy. I was like, you know what I think would actually be really helpful is some rejection exposure therapy with men specifically, to start kind of desensitizing yourself to it and to take the power back by truly just not giving a fuck if they think that you're crazy or not, or if they think your content is cool or cringe or whatever. And in order to do these rejection exposure therapy exercises, I think the best way is to really gamify it so that you can make it fun, because it's obviously terrifying sometimes on a visceral, like, physical, like, I cannot do this to myself level. We all know what that feels like, to be like, no, I, I couldn't do that. And so I think you have to make it a game, you have to make it fun, or else it's going to be horrible. So you gotta like go out there and try to see if you can get rejected by a guy just to prove to yourself that you survived. And I know that sounds awful and like so not fun, but you could do it in the traditional sense of just like the dating realm, like shoot your shot, ask someone out, or, you know, continue posting the cringiest content ever even though you're talking to a guy and you really like him. And it's like, okay, well, I guess we're just gonna find out what happens here. And if he dips, that gets to prove to me as part of my rejection exposure game that I'm playing with myself that like, hey, I survived, and cool, just like you disqualified yourself because you're obviously not the right person for me anyways. But you could also do this in random other ways that are kind of fun, like asking a stranger if they could babysit your dog or babysit your cat or something like that. Just like walking up to people, asking for random shit, and exposing yourself to the experience of someone thinking that you're weird, thinking that you're crazy, and quote unquote rejecting you in some way. I'm sure you've seen people do these types of challenges before, like purposely asking for these totally ridiculous things just to get rejected and help you reduce your own sensitivity to that feeling so that you can give less fucks in your real life when it actually counts. And I think if you do this with friends, even if you're not doing it together in the moment, because I do think you have to practice some of it on your own, like the actual act of going up to a stranger and asking them for something fucking random, you might have to do that actually on your own. But like, if your friends are in on the challenge and they're also doing their own versions of it, then it might be fun to share your experiences and you kind of feel less alone in it. And then you have something to, you know, in the group chat, like share about how you did yours for the day or whatever. I think it makes it more funny and kind of less terrifying. So if you guys know Rebecca Boatman, She was on the podcast like years and years ago when the show was kind of first starting, but she's a relationship coach and she does these things called Calibraves. And the way that she describes it, it's about like calibrating yourself to a new frequency by doing something really brave. And so what they tend to be are like these fun, silly challenges where you have to do crazy shit out in public and film it and prove that you did it. And it's a way to just like expose yourself to this level of bravery and like not giving a shit. And so examples of, of Calibraves that she's done are like making people dance alone in public and have a man record you doing it. So you got to go up to a random man in public and be like, hey, can you record me dancing for, for, for, I don't know, something, make up something. And then you have to literally dance in front of this man who's recording you with his phone. Another one was like, you have to ballroom dance with a stranger. So go up to someone and be like, hey, do you want to like ballroom dance with me? And of course, like sometimes people actually say yes and then you have these fun, crazy, silly stories to tell. But a lot of times people are like, what the hell? Like, no, they— and they think you're weird. And that's the whole point is you get rejected. And if you guys follow Erin Dowdy, she had him do one of the challenges once and I just remember it being so ridiculous. They were like at a supermarket and she was like, okay, you got to go find someone in the store, go up to a stranger and get them to help you start looking for your lost purple ferret. You have to tell them that you have a purple ferret, you lost it in the store, and you need their help looking for it. And they filmed the whole thing. It was just so crazy. So it's basically to like expose yourself to doing these things so that you don't care as much what people think of you, because that's a huge block for so many people online, regardless of, you know, if you're in the dating scene or not anymore. Like, truly being paralyzed by what people are going to think of you and not being willing to be weird and silly and funny in public is something that we all can get better at. Also, I went to college with this one girl. Her name is Nora DeKaiser. She's also a coach, and she did a, I think, 30-day rejection challenge for herself. And she filmed the videos of a lot of the days of her doing this rejection challenge, and her followers like submitted things that she could do to try to get rejected. And they were really creative, and it was honestly so fun and inspiring to watch her do this challenge. So some of the things that she did was she had to go in and seriously, in one of her therapy sessions, like ask her therapist if she would want to hang out with her in real life, which, you know, is like a violation of like what they're supposed to do, but she asked her anyways and kind of filmed— she filmed herself. She also went to a fire station and asked one of the firefighters if she could slide down the pole. She asked out a random guy at a cafe. She asked her building manager if they could upgrade her to a better unit, like move into another one of the apartment units that was better and bigger, but she didn't want to pay extra, and if they could make that happen for her. She asked the flight attendant on one of her flights if she could make an announcement to the whole plane. Spoiler alert, they said yes, and then she actually had to make a fucking announcement to the plane. And I think one of the hardest ones, if you're someone who's listening to this and you have an ex who broke your heart, imagine seeing him at the gym. Okay, so I have something I think you're really gonna love, and your business is gonna love it even more. Do you want to steal the strategy I've been using to seduce premium buyers and sell out my offers on Instagram Stories? Chances are you're already posting, you're already making sales, but if your Instagram Stories aren't working as hard as you are, you're leaving money on the table. Sold Out Stories is going to teach you exactly how to change that so that you can sell out any offer at any price point. And even high-caliber coaches miss this because selling on Stories isn't about how much you post or how frequently you show up face to camera. It's about It's about psychological sequencing and the way you're posting right now might be giving the premium buyers in your audience the ick. 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But filming yourself asking your ex casually if he wants to get dinner, and you know what the ex is gonna think. You know they're gonna think, oh, they're trying to rekindle that That's so embarrassing, especially if you have no intentions and you do not want to do that. So anyway, she saw him at the gym and she had to go ask him out to dinner and he politely declined. So anyways, just to give you guys some examples of, you know, people that I've seen doing these forms of rejection exposure therapy and giving you some fun ideas of if this is something that you also really struggle with and you want to challenge yourself, it could be a fun creative way to start to desensitize yourself to caring what people think or the feeling of being judged or rejected. Now, the third point that I want to make on this whole topic is that you are not posting to attract men. You are posting to intentionally filter them. We're not posting for men at all, period. But in this example of like, if you're in the dating world, you can't think about your content or your brand or what you're posting online as being something that's going to attract, or that is meant to attract, men who you might like or who you might be seeing or who you might have gone on the first few dates with. Your content should be something that is intentionally filtering those people in or out, right? So choosing to not archive the cringy post just because you recently gave your Instagram to a new guy that you're interested in, that is actually probably your best filter to finding the man of your dreams. So every time that you give in to the fear of judgment or rejection, you are blocking yourself from finding your actual husband, if that's what you're looking for, if that's what you're desiring. If you want to find someone who's an actual match for your level of success, your level of visibility, the career that you're building, the digital personal brand that is only going to keep growing, then you need to keep posting boldly. You need to be intentionally polarizing by being your most authentic, unfiltered self, and you need to let the men that you're interested in see your cringe content. That is not going to hurt your dating life. That's literally your husband filter. That's the filter. Because again, if they don't have enough fucking brain cells to understand what we're doing on social media and the fact that it's not all of who we are and it's not our whole personality and it's actually a persona and it's a highlight reel, and they're not interested enough to get to know the person behind the screen, then they are not your husband, period. And every time that you dim your light to be more digestible or to be more normal, like you just, oh, I want to appear like I'm a normal girl to these guys, even though you're not normal because you're building something incredible online and you do make videos every day. Or you want to seem like more mysterious because if you have a personal brand, you know, there's not a lot of mystery going on. We share a lot of the shit that's happening in our lives. Or you want to give off this more like cool girl, effortless energy. Every time you dim your light in order to do that, you are blocking the man who could actually hold all of you and everything that you're building. Now, it is no secret that I'm not single, and I have not been for a very long time— 11 years almost at point. So I'm not claiming to be the most knowledgeable person about today's dating environment, although I do hear a lot about it from my single friends and my single clients. But what I will say is I have been super fucking mega cringe. I have a master's degree in online cringe, okay? That's something I am an expert in, very experienced in. And my partner, who I've been dating the entire time I've had— I've been doing anything online, has never once been like like, yo, why are you posting that? Or like, ooh, like maybe you want to take that down. Or like, that one video was kind of weird. Or like, are you sure you want to do this? And let me tell you, the shit was cringe, guys. But never once, never once was he like, oh, are you sure you want to do that? Or like, why are you doing that? Or like, do you think that's actually going to like turn into something? Or no, 100%, since the very beginning, through all the most cringiest cringe of cringe cringe cringe cringe cringe phases, supportive. You got this. Oh my God, liking all of my posts. You guys, this man literally created 4 separate Instagram accounts when I was first starting my business so that he could like my posts multiple times and add to my engagement from several different accounts. I'm not kidding. So trust me, even if you're being the cringiest version of yourself ever, there is someone out there who just wants you to win and fucking respects you and fucking loves you. And they're going to be your biggest cheerleader and your biggest supporter, no matter what your content is, no matter what your niche is, no matter how cringy your videos are. He's I'm not gonna give a fuck, you guys. The fourth point I wanna make, circling back to the idea of the persona that we play on social media versus the whole woman that's kind of behind that. The more that I've grown into my brand and my business, I've started to see this clear separation between Samantha Daly and Sam, like who I am in regular life. And I think I'm a very authentic person online. At least I try my best to be. I know there's always more layers that we can peel back, and we've talked about that before with like the complexities of content and like no matter how real or honest or authentic you feel like you are being online, you also know that there's parts and pieces of your personality that your friends and your family and your partner get to see that aren't fully unlocked in your content yet. And so there's that challenge of like, oh, like I'm still so much funnier in real life than I am on social media, or I'm still so much more sarcastic or silly or weird or whatever in real life than I am on my social media. So there's always like more levels that can be be pulled back in terms of the authenticity. But I would say that I'm someone who tries my best to show up really honest and authentic and true to myself on social media. And even so, I still see that there's this separation between Samantha Daly and Sam, just like the person that I am and everything that makes me me and, and all the parts of me that, that people who I have really intimate relationships with in my life get to see and know that probably if you just see my short-form videos online, especially if you listen to the podcast, you get more of me than just from short form. But like, people online will never really actually be able to fully know you. And I also think that there's something really special about that. Like, yes, we can continue to try to pull the layers back and show all the sides of ourselves and be more fully expressed and more and more and more and more authentic online, but also it's kind of like cool and sacred that there's always going to be extra gems. There's always going to be these extra little pieces of yourself that no one will ever know unless they're in your inner circle, unless they have like an intimate, close, in-person, real-life relationship with you. I think that's really fucking cool. And creating the separation, not trying to be two different people, but just recognizing the fact that your brand is not your whole life and it's not all of who you are as a person, is really beneficial because I think it also helps you take some things less personally, and it helps you take a step back when things are happening in the brand and not being like, well, this is, you know, it's happening to me and like they hate me. And I really believe that men who get intimidated or turned off by you having an online presence or by you making videos, they're telling you something with that attitude, with that reaction. They're telling you something very clearly, and it's that they don't have the emotional or intellectual range to actually see beyond just surface-level optics. They're not capable of seeing your views and your engagement and your viral moments and your brand strategy as intelligence, because that is what it is. But they're looking at it as ego or flexing, or as your success as a threat to them as a provider. Automatically, in that case, disqualified. You are fucking disqualified, because guess what? You dumb, bro. You dumb. And we can't be out here dating dummies, especially as hot, rich rich, successful founders. Like, it doesn't match the aesthetic. It's not— it's not working. Your future partner will respect the machine that you are building. They will be curious about the human who is behind the scenes of that. They will want to understand how you did it, how you're building it. They will see your content as marketing intelligence, because that's what it is, not as cringe. And so I told this to my client. I was like, I firmly believe that your man will be someone who is smart enough to see past the online persona of your brand that generates millions, by the way. And he'll be like, damn, he'll be like, wow, okay, she's smart. I want to ask her questions about how all this started and how she built this. I want to get to know the full woman, the full self, like who you are behind the screen, because I know that social media is only one angle and you're obviously using this to like go viral and generate this income. And it's so cool. And you sell these digital products and I know this is just one side of your personality, but I want to get to know like all of it and like the genius behind it. He's going to be enthralled. He's going to be so excited to like pick your brain and ask you questions and have the privilege to get to know the genius behind all of that. And I am being so deadass when I say that men who date women like us are so privileged because they get a version of us that the online world doesn't. They get to see our soft, tender side. They get to receive our nurturing, loving nature, and it makes them love the boss that we are online even more because they get to witness the contrast that not everybody else gets to see. They think it's so cool how we can do all of this, put on a show for an audience, build a cult-like following, change people's lives, do millions in revenue, and then turn around and also be tender, loving girlfriends, wives, mothers. Real men see that and they're like, damn, she's a goddess. I could never do that. She is so powerful. She's multifaceted and she doesn't need any anybody, but she's choosing to need me. And that is the privilege of a lifetime. Any man would love to be in the provider-protector role for a woman like that because he has a power mover as a partner. So I think a good reframe is like, your husband doesn't need to love your content, right? You might be telling yourself that consciously, but it still kind of feels like far-fetched. And so your body isn't buying it. You're like, well, realistically, if he doesn't know me yet, is he to love my content when my content is clearly not designed for like his demographic, or it's not like for the type of person that I'm like calling in as my man. And that might be creating the disconnect. So instead of thinking like, oh, my future husband or who I'm going to be with is going to love my content, what's more realistic might be to tell yourself that he's going to respect your game and he's going to love the woman behind Hey, don't forget that every month we are picking a Listener of the Month to win $50 in cash just for showing love to the show. All you have to do is leave an epic review of the podcast on Apple Podcasts, screenshot the review before you hit submit, and DM that screenshot to us on Instagram @makeshifthappenpodcast. And that's it. I want to thank you for being such a loyal listener and show my appreciation by putting a little extra cash cash in your pocket. I know it's super easy not to do it, but every single rating and review seriously helps the show rank higher and reach new people, so we appreciate them more than you know. We'll announce the next winner at the end of the month and slide into your DMs if it's you, so keep an eye out and good luck. Love you guys, and thanks for supporting Makeshift Happen. The content— I think that is much more believable for your subconscious to really get on board with. He's going to respect your game, and he's going to be like, damn, I I want to know the woman behind all of this. Now, the fifth and final point that I want to make on this involves us using Taylor Swift as a case study. So if you think about how this conversation that we're having plays out on the largest scale possible, we can use Taylor as a really good example of that. She's arguably one of the most famous people in the world right now. She has a massive cult-like following. She's a self-made billionaire. She has this record-breaking career, one of the most award— awarded artists of all time, first to ever win Album of the Year 4 times, had the highest grossing tour in music history, right? Mega fame, one of the highest levels of visibility that exists. And when you think about someone like that, you also have to think about the level of vulnerability that it takes to keep putting yourself out there publicly, especially when people are watching your every move and they are watching your relationship failures in real time. And it's not just the fact that they are watching people leave you or ghost you, but then you're also choosing to make that information public and to write about it and to turn it into art and to share it with millions of people. I think that is one of the most exposed places a human can really be in. And so what is naturally going to happen when you do that? Well, the judgment is going to come in really hot. People are going to start saying things like, there must be something wrong with her, she's crazy, she can't keep a boyfriend, she dates too many people— all these things. And these narratives have followed Taylor throughout her whole life since she was a teenager. Literally since she was a teenager, people were talking about who she dated and how she dated too many people and she's crazy and all the things. And she even jokes about this in her music. Like there's literally a line in Shake It Off about her not being able to make them stay. And if you listen to the song Blank Space— banger, by the way— that is an entire satirical take on how crazy everyone thinks she is in relationships. So I know she plays into this and she like makes humor out of it, which I think is a good coping mechanism. But I really think that this is such a powerful mirror for what so many ambitious women are experiencing in today's dating world when trying to put themselves out there, also online, simultaneously building a brand. And they're worried about like how they're going to be perceived by men because they are dating and they do want a partner. And I don't think the answer is trying to become the quote unquote cool girl in your content or in your real life for that matter. In fact, if we were looking at Taylor as an example, her whole brand is like the anti-cool girl, right? It's about she wears short skirts, I wear sneakers, she's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers. It's like her whole thing is about like actually not being the one that's effortlessly chosen, not being the one where people want to stay, not being the chill girl. She is the hopeless romantic and she's just authentically who she actually is. So the solution is not trying to fix yourself. It's not blaming yourself for having a mindset block. I think the real work is being willing to continue to put yourself out there over and over and over again as that like raw, authentic version of yourself, even when it means that you're going to be misunderstood or you're going to be rejected or you're going to be made fun of. There's another incredible line in the song Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus from the Torture Poets Department album where she says, I changed into goddesses, villains, and fools rules, changed plans and lovers and outfits and rules, all to outrun my desertion of you. And you just watched it. If you want to break my cold, cold heart, just say I loved you the way that you were. If you want to tear my world apart, just say you've always wondered. And it's about exactly this that we're talking about, right? The pain of realizing that you contorted yourself into so many different versions that you thought that he would like better, and waited for a decade for him to come back to you, only to ghost to you once again, this is a true story from her life. And that finally wakes you up to the knowing that no matter how much you try to adapt yourself or change or be these different characters or versions, it'll never be enough for the wrong person. But a few months after that, she met her husband. So if you're not up on the Taylor lore, don't worry, it gets better, girlies, and we'll get there. But I really do think that there were periods where Taylor dated other artists, like musicians and actors. If you know, you know. That kind of made her want to be perceived differently. I think that she respected them as artists, and so she wanted to kind of gain their respect back, but there was always this element of them kind of subtly dimming her accomplishments or not wanting to be seen in public with her because of her crazy fans, or them fearing that she would kind of eclipse them or make them look irrelevant if they were standing next to her. And I think for a while she definitely wanted to be seen and recognized as more mature. She wanted to be more evolved, more poetic, and to be taken more seriously as an artist. And she definitely made several albums from that place that were a lot more moody, artistic, cathartic, poetic. And while I do think that that was, yes, an authentic form of, of her expression in her inner world at the time, I also think it was her trying to shift her, like, quote unquote, brand story away from, like, the crazy girl with too many exes who writes all the breakup songs, and trying to really break out of that mold to finally feel like she she was good enough. And then she goes through the worst breakup of her life, ends a 6-year relationship with someone who she was waiting to propose to her that was never going to marry her. She has this rebound relationship very quickly with another rock star who she had secretly loved and had affairs with on and off for a decade. They get back together, it's like fairy tale. She's like, oh my gosh, we're coming together at the right time. It was always the right person, wrong time, but now it's us. And he promised her— promises her that like he's ready now and they're gonna get married, they're gonna have kids, all these things. They're photographed publicly. The fans go nuts. There's a lot of backlash, but she's like, I don't care, fuck it, I love him. And then he ghosts her. He fucking ghosts her. Just literally doesn't reply. This all happens within a few months, okay? The two heartbreaks, boom boom, within a few months. And it's all happening while she's on the Eras Tour, the biggest tour of her entire career, the biggest music tour in all of music history. She's completely heartbroken publicly. She's visibly seen crying during some of the songs on tour. There's millions of people watching her. All eyes are on Taylor. If you remember, like, Taylor Swift was always famous, but the Eras Tour catapulted her into another level of fame where it's like, you can't not know about Taylor now. You can't not see Taylor places now. Like, we all remember what that was like when everything was about her during that time. And she's going through all of this, right? The public commentary, the speculation everywhere, all these things. And so to really bring this like full circle back to the original fear that we're discussing in this episode about being seen as cringe by men that we might want to To date, if you think about like what the Eras Tour actually was and the kind of music that she was playing on stage at that concert, it is quote unquote the cringiest thing that she could have been doing. She was opening all the archives and going back into her old music, putting all of those old songs on display, songs that she wrote when she was in high school. She's out here singing Enchanted in a giant Cinderella princess dress when she's a 36-year-old woman. I mean, if you want to to make fun of her, it would be really easy to do so with this. It is quite possibly the most cringe thing that she could have been doing, singing all those old songs, going back into those old past versions of herself that of course she's evolved beyond. Of course she doesn't resonate with them anymore. Thinking about some of those lyrics, you just know, you just know that she herself was cringing inside. But her fans love that stuff, and so she's playing them. And that's what the Eras Tour is— it's going through every single era. And what do you know, exactly that content, her being fully who she is and shining a giant fucking spotlight on all the cringe shit that actually built her fame and built the brand that is Taylor Swift that we know today. That is the thing that attracted Travis Kelce into the stadium to watch her and see the magic that she had created. Because you know why? Because game respects game. And him being an NFL player, the quote-unquote, you know, best tight end in the league, he's also a champion. He's also a celebrity. He's also the best in his own field. He also has a lot of visibility— not a lot compared to, like, nothing compared to Taylor, but like, game respects fucking game, right? And he's like, she's so cool. He's not thinking about how cringe the lyrics are or the high school songs or the cheesy outfits or whatever. He's like, she is doing something that other artists aren't doing. Look at this fucking phenomenon that she has created with the Eras Tour. Look at these stadiums she is filling across the world. Look at everyone wearing these friendship bracelets. Hell, he was making a friendship bracelet to put his fucking number on it because he wanted to give her one with his number on it. He's trying to be part of the fandom. He's being part of the experience that she curated because he respects what she has built. So again, I know that this is super Swiftie-coded, but I do think that it's really helpful to think about examples of things that we're going through on a larger scale and to think about how people have handled this at larger levels of celebrity, at higher risk factors, at higher levels of visibility, at higher levels of fame, and to see how it shakes out for those people, both in the things that they do wrong and also in the things that they do correctly. And so if you need any type of expansion around this, or to have someone as an example of like, yeah, people are also going through the same things that I'm thinking and feeling, but on a much more intense scale, and I want to see how it's worked out for them. And to actually see someone who is a living, breathing example of like, yeah, you can have all of these things go wrong, and you can have all these relationships end, and it can be really painful, and it can be really embarrassing, and you can have the whole world watch it happen to you, and if you still stay true to yourself and stay authentic and you don't shy away from what you think is cringe just because a man might be watching, then someone in the audience who's watching might actually be be your dream man because he respects the fuck out of your game. And then I actually sent a picture in our mastermind group chat of Travis on stage with Taylor at the Eras Tour when he made a special appearance in London, and he was literally doing like his whole acting bit where he was wearing a suit and a top hat and he's carrying her across the stage. If you don't know what this is and you want to see like the actual picture so you can envision it in your mind, just Google Travis Kelce on stage at Eras Tour. But I was like, in case you need proof that there is masculine men out there who are so secure in themselves and successful in their own right that they won't be turned off by your quote unquote cringe content, this pic is a pretty good place to start because turns out they'll actually put on a fucking top hat and get on the stage to be cringe with you. Because guess what? It prints cash and it's iconic. The little like feminine artsy boys that she was dating before, they were scared of her fame and her reputation and they judged the high school breakup songs and what people thought about her because of that. And they ran from her fans. But a real man son sees the genius behind all of that, the woman that built the biggest music empire in history, and he says, hell yeah, that's my lady. So my advice is to get rejected by everyone who is not for you, babe, because there is a king waiting to get on the fucking stage with you. And I think that's a really great place to leave off for this episode. I hope you guys enjoyed this conversation. If you have another entrepreneurial friend, a single girly, someone who you know would benefit or this conversation, copy the link, send it to her in a message, let her know you were thinking of her. And thank you guys so much for tuning in to the podcast. I love you. Make sure that you follow or subscribe wherever you're listening, whether it's on Spotify, Apple, YouTube. It super duper duper helps support the show. Thank you guys so, so much, and we will talk to you next week. Bye! If you loved this episode, make sure to check out the show notes where I've linked a few similar episodes I know you're also going to love. You'll find them under the similar episodes section in the description down below with direct links so you can dive in and start listening right away, or add them to your queue for later. Binge away for even more growth, expansion, abundance, and fire motivation.