Social Media is Killing Our Teens: Here's What You Need to Do!

Hey friends, Wes Spencer here. Wanted to share some thoughts that I've been building on my own for quite some time. Some of you don't know this, but I have a teenager and a teenager soon to be in our household. And so we're struggling with probably a lot of the same things that others in our life category are struggling with: phones, devices, and social media. Now I want to give you some thoughts that I've had around this from a cybersecurity practitioner's point of view. Now, by no means am I preaching to the choir. By no means am I going to give you mandates. No, no means I have any desire to tell you what to do in any of this. I could never be someone that teaches you how to parent. You know, to steal a line from Simon Sinek, there's no such thing as a perfect parent. We're all learning as we're going. So none of it's about that. What it is about is I want to share with you some data and statistics. I want to give you some thoughts because I've been learning a lot about this, and one of the big takeaways I've been learning is this one thing: you gotta talk to your kids about this stuff. They're so incredibly smart, they're so incredibly talented, and there in this world was something that most of us simply didn't experience when we were growing up. So there's a bit of a disconnect between us and our kids when it comes to technology. Now, I grew up— I'm a millennial, so I grew up around technology. I remember connecting in with dial-up modems and BBSs coming to life, and then internet browsers in the very beginnings of the, you know, mid-'90s. So I'm no foreign person to what it's like for a kid with technology. Just the difference is I didn't have one of these, a phone, growing up that was in front of me everywhere I went. And so I want to give you some thoughts around this, and I really want to encourage you to think about how to talk about this and potentially how to even discuss some of these things with your own kids. So I wanted to start with this right here. A lot of times we're just not aware of the statistics. Did you know, according to most of the studies that we see from the American Psychological groups, all of this, 25% of American high schoolers said they had persistent feelings of sadness or sadness and helplessness. Or hopelessness. You know, that's, that, that, that's sad. That's 1 in 4, 25%. Don't dismiss that being like, oh, that's a small number. So kids, it's a natural feeling. I think the big thing I want to say here is don't be embarrassed by that. Don't, don't be shocked when your kid comes to you and says, yeah, you know, I do have some feelings of sadness, like I'm not always like put together. I think with adults we're not any different, right? That's a natural struggle. So I just want to start with that. But I wanted to show you this that I thought was pretty staggering. After and through the pandemic, these numbers skyrocketed. They skyrocketed to 44%— was the highest ever recorded— and for girls, even higher at 57%. Now, there's probably a lot of reasons why this number is so high, and I'm not going to sit here and give you reasons on why I think it was. I'm not going to dive into the pandemic and talk about any of that. That's not helpful for the discussion today. What is helpful is looking— the data shows from all of the peer analysis and all of the study data, we scientifically understand Kids are more susceptible to sadness and, and just not being fulfilled more than ever before in this world. And I think for us as parents, we got to ask ourselves why. Like, where did that come from? Why does it exist? And I think it needs to break our heart a little bit to understand that this is legitimately a challenge that kids face today. So, so let's move on a little bit and kind of— now that we know that the numbers are not so great, also suicide. We've got to talk about this too. Suicide is the second leading cause of death among people between ages 15 and 24 in the U.S. The second leading cause. Tell me that doesn't break your heart, my friends. Tell me that doesn't hurt. Many of us have been impacted by suicide. Many of us have friends or family members that have had to go through this terribly awful, horrible challenge. It's the epitome of sadness. And I think sometimes this is the raw results that come out of just us struggling with this as young people, as teens trying to figure out our way. Now, I am not a scientist, I'm not a sociologist, I'm not trying to give you insights in how to prevent this. I'm just showing you the data that it's there. And I also wanted to talk a little bit more about this— is, is why and where this is coming from. Do you know 20% of high school students report serious thoughts of suicide, and 9% have made an attempt to take their lives? So let's not kid ourselves when we say it's a problem. It's an issue that we need to talk about, that we need to address, whether that requires professional counseling, whether that requires an arm around our child, just talking to them about what's going on in their lives. Let's recognize 20% is a number that's way too high. 1% is a number that's way too high. So let's just accept that this is here and let's say, you know what, we need to talk about and do something with this. Somebody I've been following lately that's really kind of captured my eye— I found a TED Talk by him actually, and I'll put a link in the description down below or the, the comments so you can see this. It's Colin Karchner, and Colin runs a really, really neat group where he's basically talking to parents like me. And this is the inspiration that I had to share this, and he actually invites teens, parents, anyone to give him comments around social media. And I'm just gonna be honest, I think social media is one of the biggest challenges and drivers for youth today when it comes to all of this. Here is a note from the best friend of a teen that committed suicide. This is really sad, and I think it's important to see what this person said, this best friend said. They said, none of us, including his parents, are 100% sure what his reasons were. But I'm sure the pressure of social media to be perfect took part in it because he was someone that carried a lot about his appearance. I struggle a lot with it. He was one of my best friends. And then they go on. Tell me, my friends, does that not break your heart? Does that not just hurt the core of your soul to think that here's a teenager who ended their life specifically because, or at least in part due to, the pressures of social media? To be perfect. There's nothing wrong with wanting to look your best, to act your best, to think your best. I understand that. But the pressures that can mount for a teenager when it comes to social media to perform and be like that can often be so much more than what we're prepared for. And the unfortunate nature is this is kind of where we're at today— kids on their phones. Now hear me when I say this: my kids struggle with the same thing. As I said at the beginning, this is not me preaching to the choir, not at all. It's me simply saying Devices are something that is prevalent in the life of a child and a teenager, and we gotta learn to accept that's a reality and figure out how to deal with it. You know, maybe you're a grandparent, maybe you're a guardian for someone, but, but the children in your life, the reality is devices are all in front of them. And I don't think we can change that. I don't think for the most part we can just rip them away. Now some of you may have in the comments, well Wes, we've decided no devices until our kids are X number of years old. That's great. In this video today, I am not here to give you a conviction or tell you what you should or shouldn't do. I'm just here to expose that this is a problem and give you some thoughts that you can have in front of you to sort of deal with this and have conversations with your own family, your own friends, where it's necessary. The data shows— I mean, this, like we said, it's prevalent. So look at this. I don't— I'm not going to go through all of this. You can just pause the video if you want to see a little bit more of this. But, you know, it's kids between 8 all the way up to 15. Like, most of them have devices in front of them. These younger kids, it's much more likely to be a tablet. As they get older, 91% of kids between 12 and 15 have a smartphone. So they've got full access, assuming that that's, you know, been given by the parent. They've got full access to all kinds of stuff. You can see a lot of the data here. So I'm just presenting to you raw data. You can do what you want with this, but it's just raw data. 80% of phones, or any of teens, 80% of teens check their phones throughout the night and respond to every notification because to them, a notification is something I can't miss. It's one of these things that's like, it's in front of me. I, I, what is it? Who's saying something about me? Who's tagging me in that, in that Instagram post? And what does it mean? Is it going to be good or bad? You see how the pressure for, for teens can get there? I mean, Let's be honest, are we any different? We hit notifications and we see them ourselves and we're like, "Oh, gotta drop everything and go look at that notification." We are hooked into it. It really is an issue that we need to just recognize and be aware of. 14% of teens feel like they can talk to an adult about technology. The vast minority is the better way to say this. In other words, most kids don't feel like they can talk to their parent or guardian about technology. Because they don't know the words to say. They don't think that maybe they understand the trials that they're going through and the challenges in front of them. So if they feel like they can't talk to you about technology, then the next thought that ought to come to your head is, well, then I should talk to them about technology. I should bring up these questions. And I implore you to do that. If there's one thing that should come out of this little mini talk that I'm giving you here is You got to talk to your kids about technology. Talk to them about social media. Bring it up in front of them because it's really important that we open up, because most of them just don't know how to bring up the conversation. And I don't think we can blame them for that at all. 86% of youths today say they want to be a social media influencer. That's wild. There's nothing wrong with being a social media influencer, but most of them are so ingrained into social media and they see the allure And they see the pomp and circumstance and privilege and prestige that they see that comes out of it from their favorite influencers, and they want to be like it. They want to be like them. They want to look that way. They want to act that way. And the reality is, as we know, we actually see very little of those influencers' lives. I mean, we— who knows? All we see is what they want us to see, what we project. And so for a poor teen that's trying to figure out this world, that's new into it, and that's all they see, and then they stack it up to their own life, no wonder the sadness creeps in. No wonder the feelings of hopelessness creep in, because they've been given such a small picture into what's around them and what's real from not real. So why is social media so addictive? Well, I think there's a lot of reasons, right? We talked about this for all of us, adults included. We see the world through the lens of social media, and social media shows us what we want to see. We see the big smile in front of that sort of thing, right? We have the desire to be like others and to look like others, right? This hive mentality, this sheep mentality. We're all there. I'm that way too. I'm not— no judgment here. We struggle with that way, but we have that desire for sure. You know, we want to create that new GIF, that new post, that new selfie, that new smiling picture to get the likes, right? We're after the likes. How many people liked my post? Let's not lie. We're all that way, including me. I'll post something I want to see. Did it resonate? Did people get something out of it? But you got to understand, from a teen's perspective, it's probably much worse because they might not be able to disconnect from it. Might be all they can think of, right? So I just— let's be a little bit more honest. I think, again, this is not me just saying this. This is from all the study data that we see from all of the scientific research agencies that are out there. For girls, the number one challenge for social media is typically self-image and anxiety. That's sad. We got to deal with that. Social media just forces that and makes it even worse. What about for boys? I'll go ahead and say it, the number one challenge is porn, right? That's, that's a real thing. So that's, that's it. We've got to recognize that those are the issues that are in front of us. And as I mentioned before, we also need to help our teens understand that social media is not always what you think. And this is a helpful way to do this. Look at this gorgeous couple right here, right? Posing for the gram. Getting those likes. The reality is this is not actually the real image. They photoshopped this to all get out. Here's the actual image right here. Now look, I'll be the first to say it, they are still beautiful. In my mind, they did not need to go and edit this into supermodel fake status. They looked beautiful on their own, but it wasn't enough for them. And again, their desire to project something is actually not even near as bad as everyone watching this being like, why don't I look like that? How come I'm not like that on my best day? You never will be because it's all fake. Here we are again. Look at them. Like, you can tell that the lady here is— I mean, did she— that is absolute magazine style, sort of made up, right? Here they are, these geniuses. They look just fine on the image on the right. There's no need to change it. But again, we oftentimes look at this, and teens especially have struggles telling what's real from fake. Here's another one. And then here's the, the other image. Again, she is beautiful on her own. There is no need to change all of this. I just want that to be said. I am not hating or any of that. I'm saying we just sometimes want to be more than what we are. We want to project it. Going back to some of Collins' posts from his organization that he talks to people all around the United States on the challenges of social media, look at this. Here's right from a teenage girl talking about struggling with depression, anxiety, She got her first phone, as you can see in social media, around 11 years old. She says herself, how crazy is that? And you can just see all the stuff. Everything was hooked up. Evil was at her fingertips. All of these things that came in front of her, she said, it destroyed me all while it was happening because of a device. And she says, all the parents, watch their kids, please. I wish so badly that my parents had monitored my phone when I was young and saved me from that darkness. Tell me that doesn't break your heart, seeing actual raw statements right from teenagers themselves. Now, I'm not saying that all teenagers struggle with this. I'm not. And many of them might not. But until you have the conversation with your own kid, you might not know. Here's another one from a real kid just like us. Look what they said. I'm 15 and I wish I was never given a smartphone. Social media literally changed who I am. Wow, that's a great question for reflection. Do we feel this way? If you shared that with your own child, would they say you're crazy, or they say, huh, you know, I, I can identify with that? So what are we trying to do here? What am I trying to get to? Well, first of all, I'm trying to get to this: you can listen to this talk and be like, yeah, we gotta kill social media out for our kids, let's go and rip out Facebook and rip out Instagram and TikTok and all. We— yes, We could rip it out. I actually think you're gonna do more damage than good if you just do that. What I would do is I'm gonna challenge you the same way I challenge you in cybersecurity. If you've been following me for quite some time, you know I tell you one major thing. It's this: you gotta eat your own tacos. You can't do good security for your clients if you're not doing it well for yourself. And the same thing comes in here. If you're not practicing good social media habits as a parent, you better start with yourself first. It's not just for teens. Social media will steal your joy and rob you from real connections if you're not careful. Now, it's not always going to do that, but it has that capability. It is native. It could happen. So parents, we gotta practice what we preach. We've gotta be smarter about this. Listen to this, another message right from a kid. Colin shared this one as well. She says this: Honestly, it's insane. I grew up with the typical good parents. They taught me well, made sure I had what I physically needed. But now that I'm a teenager, I've not— I've never been so distant, and it's not because of me. She goes on to say, I— it's because I can't get my mom or dad to put down the phones, their stupid phones, and get off Facebook and Instagram and listen about my day or ask my questions or talk about my feelings. I've never felt more unloved. Uncared for because of a stupid cell phone. Right from a teenager themselves, it's being so raw, so authentic, so real over all of this. Makes your heart break to say she just wants some attention from her parents, and they themselves are caught up on social media. So let's not kid ourselves, it's not a kid problem, it's an us problem, it's a we problem. Social media, it infiltrates every part of our lives. If you don't believe me, look right here what Chamath says himself, who was a former Facebook executive. I'm just going to read the quote. The short-term dopamine-driven feedback loops that we've created are destroying how society works. We curate our lives around this perceived sense of perfection because we get rewarded in the short term— signals, hearts, likes, thumbs up— and we conflate that with value. And conflate it with truth instead of what it really is, is fake, brittle popularity. And that leaves you even more vacant and empty before you did it. Wow, what a raw, raw quote. One last one from LM Tsikasis, philosopher, really important: Social media are the fidget spinners of the soul. Each social media platform is a drug we self-prescribe and consume in order to regulate our emotional life, and we're constantly experimenting. With the cocktail. So here's what I'm getting at, my friends. I'm getting at this: this problem exists for us as much as it does for our kids. Unfortunately, our kids may not have the life experiences to understand how to balance this, and when the sadness and hopelessness and despair creeps up in them, this is where all the negative things compound, as we started out this data. So what do I encourage you to do? Just one thing: talk to your kids about this. Actually, maybe two After you talk to your kids about it, have a real honest conversation about yourself and your own habits, and that of your spouse or partner. Are you, are you practicing what you preach here? You might even take a bit of humble pie and ask your own teen, hey, do you think we struggle with this? I'm actually open because I think I might. What if we could work on this together? This way we're not preaching to the choir. This way we're not telling our teens what to do. We're just simply having a conversation with them. And letting them know that we all struggle with this and we're all in the same boat. But I think the biggest thing is making sure that we talk with them, that we have that conversation. I'd love to know what you think. I know I don't normally talk about a lot of this. It's new for me, but it's on my heart. I think it's a systemic problem, and I think we need to address and deal with it. Give me some comments down below. Really curious to see what you think. Also, as promised, I will leak link to you the TED Talk so you can have access to that as well. Alright, my friends, thank you so very much.