Healing Wounds and Finding Balance in Relationships with Meray Mansour

And sometimes, you know, missiles would land really close to our building. Kind of scary, but I feel like that's when you start to learn how.

To dissociate women saying, fuck that, we don't need men. Not saying that women shouldn't work or women shouldn't make money and all that, but I think it went too far to the other side, where women then be like, okay, we don't need men. Welcome to the Path to Purpose podcast, where I share incredible conversations with amazing humans who went through a pivotal shift in their lives and that have put them on their path of purpose, profit, and impact. My name is Zara Khvata. I'm a serial entrepreneur and life coach. I went through my own transformational journey where I'm now committed to living life of inspiration, education, and empowerment. My intention is to share these conversations so they inspire you to also walk your path to purpose. Today is a very special day where I have a guest on the Path podcast who I'm going to dare to say that had it not been for her, I may not be sitting here speaking to you all right now. This woman has been an inspiration in my life. In many ways, she was a catalyst for my personal development journey. She's the one who gave me that little nudge to consider coaching and really believed in me and saw the potential of who I could be when I didn't see that for myself. And she's one of my closest friends, someone I love dearly, and she's a fascinating, incredible woman with inspiring story to share.

So, wow. Thank you. You may name the show.

There may be some tears on this podcast in advance, but know it is my pleasure to sit down with my dear friend, Lorraine Mansour. Mire.

Mire.

And just have you all get to know this amazing human who I truly love and adore.

So I love you, too, and thank you.

Happy to have you here.

Yeah.

Kind of surreal. You know, it's funny because we spend hours and hours and hours talking all the time, and now it's like, okay, let's get on the podcast.

I know we should have been rolling all that time.

Yeah, that would make it. That'd be more for a reality show.

Be like a reality show for sure.

Yeah. So, you know, I'll take you all back to the moment where Marie says, hey, can we get together for coffee? And, you know, I've told this story many, many times in my presentations because, you know, often people are hesitant to work with a coach, you know, hesitant to do this work. So, of course, Mireille, being One of my best friends, it was shortly after my 40th birthday, invites me for coffee at the Dark Horse Cafe and Leslieville. And we're sitting down, we're having coffee. She's like, so I gotta ask you a question. Have you ever considered therapy or coaching? And right away I'm like, what the fuck you trying to say? She's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't be. It's. There's nothing wrong with you. It's just, you know, sometimes we don't see certain things. You know, sometimes we're a little, you know, blind to things we're doing and our patterns. And I just feel like, you know, you have the potential to be an amazing husband because I know you want to find your partner, and you're a great boyfriend, and, you know, you're so smart. You've created so many businesses, but you don't love the nightlife anymore. And you make a lot of money, but you're shit at keeping it. And at the time, Ray was my realtor as well, and we had just sold my beautiful loft on Broadview. And she thought, you know, I'd have a bunch of money left over because, you know, we sold it for pretty good money. But the truth is, I was so in debt that I needed to take all that money and just pay off the second mortgage, pay off my credit cards. And you knew that. You saw the reality of my life and what I was going through. Because you knew me that well. I mean, we met. Maybe I'll let you tell that story. You can tell that story. And in that moment, you said, look, I've got you a gift, and you don't have to accept it. But I think it's something that you're really going to appreciate. And I think it's something that is going to make a real difference for you. And it's something that I've done myself. And I just. I believe in you, and I want the best for you. And I think this is going to really help you to see something that you don't. And, you know, as I talk about it, it's a. It was such a pivotal moment in my life because had we not had that conversation, I don't know how much longer I would have kept going. Living unconsciously, repeating the same patterns over and over. But because it was you and because you believed in me.

Thank you.

You offered me something that I knew in that moment. I'm just so sick and tired of my shit. I'm so fed up with the frustration of trying and trying and trying and not being able to make it work. And I just said, look, if you think this is for me, if you think this is going to help me, then whatever it is, like, give it to me. And I've talked about it before. My first real deep dive into personal development. It was a landmark, and. And I didn't know what I was getting myself into. And you said, look, don't research it.

Yeah.

Don't overthink it. Find a date that works, book it and just go. So I did that. I ended up finding a date in Calgary because you and someone else both suggested I maybe do it outside of Toronto so I can be free and clear of, you know, whatever environment, people I might know.

Yeah.

And I flew to Calgary, you know, I think it was January 2015 maybe, and I did the landmark forum. And that for me was what really had me see what you and many other people have always seen in me that I couldn't see for myself. So, you know, I just want to say I'm forever grateful. And, you know, the work that I do and the impact that I'm making, the lives that I touch, you know, you're partly responsible for all that. I just want you to know that, oh, my gosh, it took courage to sit down and share your thoughts and feelings with me that day. And sometimes that's what it takes. It takes us being able to take a stand for someone and. And be willing to say the hard thing that maybe we're so fearful of. But, you know, it was that conversation and what you shared with me that has really allowed me to change my life, that has allowed me to now help other people change their lives. And, you know, you have such a powerful story to share, and there's so much I. You've done to change your life and change so many other people's lives. And that's why I'm just so happy to have you here today, because I know anyone who hears this story is going to be inspired as well. So I'll hand it off to you. You know, start wherever you feel. But, you know, I know you've had a long, winding road to get to where you are. So, you know, please.

Well, first of all, I want to say thank you for acknowledging me in that. And I want to acknowledge you because your commitment to. To what you're doing and your growth is really something. I've never seen anybody so committed. And you just don't give up. You just keep trying. And it's really quite remarkable and beautiful to see I'm so grateful to have you in my life. I've often said to you we are definitely soulmates. There's many different types of soulmates, and you're like family to me. And. Yeah. I mean, you have also helped me on my path in so many different ways and so many different times. It's like we kind of do that for each other, you know? And you got me into fitness. You actually, like, annoyed me enough to finally decide I would try it. And you introduced me to Ronaldo, you and Bianca.

But just for the record, you've always been into fitness, right?

Yes. Yes.

After having your second child.

Yes.

Thank you. You weren't back into your normal routine, I would say.

Exactly.

And it's through my experience of competing that I just knew, like, if Marie does this, she's gonna crush it. Yeah.

Well, thank you for seeing me and seeing that in me, because I was like, what the hell does he keep asking me this for? Like, what does he want? So I finally did do it, and now, like, even though, you know, it doesn't seem like it's a big thing for me, it was a big thing because actually, like, mindset, you know, it really helped me see, like, there are things that I did that I never thought I could ever do, you know, And I did them, and then I did even more, and that was, like, such a huge moment. I remember Ronaldo brought me in to workout, and he's like, okay, go bench press. And I looked at the bench press. I think he had, like, two 45s on it. And I said, you want. Sorry, not bench press. Squat. And I was like, you want me to squat that? He's like, yeah. Meanwhile, I've been doing, like, 15, 25 most of my life, and I did it, and I did, like, 10 or 12 reps. And I remember in that moment thinking, where else am I doing this in my life? Telling myself, you can't do that, just because it doesn't seem like something I could do. And after. And it's weird, but in that moment, it just kind of, like, blew my mind. And I was just, like, pushing all the boundaries in my life. So it's amazing how we don't even sometimes realize what we're doing for somebody. Like, in that moment, when I. When I. When I got you that gift, I was just annoyed with you. I was like, what's up with this guy? I love him. He's always on his phone when I'm with him. He doesn't really listen. He's not present. And, you know, I had just done Landmark, and while I was doing Landmark, I'm just thinking of the people in my life that could really benefit from it. And you were top of the list. So for me, like, I didn't see at that moment, but it goes to show you that when we show up and take a stand for somebody, even if it's difficult, it's such a huge ripple effect. Like you said, it brings me so much joy to see what you're doing, the people that you're helping. Because if I had a small part in that, it just kind of. It's that connection to all the people that you've helped, which kind of broadens my ability to help people as well. So the more people we help, the more people they help. We just have such a huge power to do that. And it's beautiful. Right. And I love what you're doing. You've actually gone further than I even went. So I was like, you took that baton. No, you did really great with it. And I'm so, like. I don't even want to say proud, but I'm just so happy to see what you've done. And you're still not perfect, and you know that. And we have these discussions all the time. I'm not perfect. And we call each other out with love. I remember one time you said to me, now, how could you say that in a more loving way? And, you know, it made me laugh. And I was like, okay, fine, because you get me. You know that it's always coming from the heart. That Lebanese Scorpio sometimes pops out. And, you know, but I think that some of the ways and the things that you say to me really does help me open my eyes to things. Like, we don't. We've. I don't think we've ever really fought, like, argued, but it's because you're so calm. I know. I've tried starting things with you before.

Yeah.

But.

Yeah, and it's. I was just talking about this with Matt earlier. It's just the ability to just take that pause and just be like, okay, let me process this. Let me feel into it rather than emotionally reacting.

That's been one of the hardest things for me to learn because growing up in my family, everybody was very reactive, and it was normal. You know, we would. Somebody would lose their mind and freak out, and then, you know, 10 minutes later, it's fine.

Yeah. But so I'd like you to actually share about that. Because you moved here from Lebanon.

Yes.

Growing up in Lebanon, I know what it was like, because you've shared with me, but, you know, just give the viewers and listeners just some background as to what was your journey like coming from Lebanon, moving to Canada, and, you know, what you went through with. With your parents as you grew up.

Okay, so in Lebanon, we lived in a small community. It was called Zukl, which is. It's close to Beirut. And we knew everybody. My whole family was there. A few of my uncles had already moved to Canada, but it was during the war, and this was in the 80s, and we. I just. I remember as a kid, we would just be playing outside. There was, like, a little forest beside my building, and all the kids would be playing out. We would find things in the forest to play with, and then we would hear the missiles, and that's how we knew it's time to go home. And there were sandbags in the lobby. Everybody would come down to my place because we were on the ground level. And sometimes missiles would land really close to our building, and there would be no power, no water. But for us, it was kind of scary. But I feel like that's when you start to learn how to dissociate from the fear or from what's happening. And that's why we moved to Canada. My parents finally decided. I think we had come once before. For a short time, they didn't really like it. We went back. We thought the war was done. And then I believe I was 6 or 7 when we moved the final time. And moving here from such a small community where even though there was war, you kind of knew everybody, you felt safe. And moving here was really weird for me because everything was different. It was so big, and we didn't have any money. We lived in Jane and Finch area, so it's kind of a rough neighborhood. So it was, like, very different, you know, so. And then starting in school, I was picked on a lot because, you know, I didn't look the way everybody else did, and I didn't have, like, the clothes that they had. Also I didn't speak English, so I was in esl. And so it was a tough time for me. Like, I don't know what it was, but I was, like, really severely picked on at my building by the kids in school. I would often have to fight people, like, physically, and also to protect my brother and my sister, who are younger than me. So it just kind of became a part of my life where danger was just a normal thing, you know, and you always had to be aware and be hypervigilant and protect yourself. My Family. Like I said, it was kind of a volatile situation. My parents were 20 when they had me, so it was a very different time. They had no resources. They didn't have the Internet. They didn't have ways to understand or figure out how to be parents. And also, I mean, they were still kids. Like, they weren't even. You know, my mom basically went from her dad and mom's house to my dad. And my dad was very controlling. My mom had no experience in life, and they were. Neither of them were really educated. So when we moved to Canada, my dad took jobs like taxi, you know, whatever he can do to make money. So, you know, my parents were very strict growing up because they were scared. They didn't know what could happen. You know, they're kind of navigating an atmosphere that they are not familiar with. So. And I was a very headstrong, mischievous little person. So, you know, I gave them a run for their money. I got into trouble a lot. And there is, you know, as I got a little bit older, of course, like, in the beginning, you know, we get smaller, spanked, we get hit. But as I got a little bit older and my dad realized that I'm a girl, because at first I was kind of like a tomboy, and I was his little sidekick. But once he realized he had to be more careful, he became a lot more strict. And I wasn't really allowed to do anything. Like, I wasn't allowed to cross the street by myself. I couldn't do extracurricular activities. I couldn't go over to friends houses. I couldn't have, like, I couldn't sleep over anywhere. I'd never done any of that. So I would watch my friends and see how their life was and then realize my life wasn't like that. So again, you know, being a headstrong person, I started to rebel. And more physical abuse would happen, and then I'd have to lie about it, not go to school. I missed a lot of school. And then when I was about 8 or 9, my mom let her brother move in, and he was being sexually inappropriate, and they wouldn't listen to me. I would ask them not to leave me with him. I would beg them not to leave us with him. And they just thought I was being a brat, because I was a brat. So there were times I would lock myself in the bathroom until they got home. But it was just kind of the feeling that they weren't really connected to me, and I didn't really feel them present, and I didn't feel safe. So I used to think my dad was my hero, and now I still feel that way because I see the bigger picture. But for a while there, I started to see him as dangerous and I started to see that they couldn't protect me. And so I began to shut down and just became very. I just found ways to survive. Right? So I realized, okay, between my dad and my mom, my dad had more power, so I had to be more like my dad. So as time went on, I used those defense mechanisms in really productive ways. I'm always very resourceful, so I always took every situation and tried to make the best of it. I was somebody who always protected other people, especially people that I thought were getting picked on. I kind of took on that protector role and that's followed me throughout most of my life. So Fast forward, I'm 15, 16. We moved to Alliston and, you know, they kind of. My parents kind of loosened up a little bit. Smaller town, but I still was feeling like my, you know, it wasn't fair. I wasn't allowed to do anything. So I started to steal the car, drive down to Toronto at 15, 16, pick up all my friends. We would go to raves, you know, we would do some drugs. And I remember a moment where I was in one of these, like, rave warehouses. And, you know, it's set up so that, like, there's a DJ and it's, you know, I've been to a couple of warehouses, I've been to one or two. And it's just like this, like, worshiping of this dj and it's all created. I don't know what happened in that moment, but I started to see it for what it really was. Like this disgusting, dirty warehouse and people.

Teenagers on drugs.

Yeah, teenagers on drugs and just kind of like zombies just staring at this dj. And in that moment I was like, no, I don't belong here. So it's all these little defining moments throughout my life kind of just guided me and led me to where I needed to go. I actually left home at 17 because it was kind of like a war between my dad and I, and I ran away. I moved in with my boyfriend at the time, who became my fiance, first one. And we moved to Toronto. Eventually I started go. Go dancing. Somebody discovered me@energy 108. I was like 17 years old. And that's around when you and I met. I think we met. We met before Fluid, right? I feel like we. We met like through Monique.

Yeah, probably. Yeah.

And yeah, it was fun. We. We had some fun. We worked at many clubs together.

So just. I just want to pause here just to clarify this. So Mireille was the manager of the Go Go dancers at Fluid Lounge. And for those of you that don't know, I started my career nightlife as a Go Go dancer. True story. I think I was 18 or 19 at the time. And Mireille was my boss, technically. And if you allowed it, technically. And I was like, yeah, whatever, trying to tell me what to do. And she was very, very diligent about me being on time. And then there came a night where I showed up for work and I was late again, and Mireille actually fired me. Fired me from Going Fluid. And I was pissed off.

Yeah, you were so mad. Yeah, I know, I know.

We got.

Yeah, we got through it. We got through it. There were moments. I think I rehired. You didn't.

I don't know about that, but no, no. Okay, so. So you're a Go Go dancer. You're working in different spots all over Toronto.

Yeah. And. And then I started bartending. Got really big into the nightlife. Okay, I'll rewind a little bit. After high school, one of the Go Go dancers was becoming a realtor. Her name was Sonia. She was one of my good friends. And she was telling me about it. I was like, wait, so you don't have a boss? She's like, not really. You kind of. It's like having your own business. I was like, where do I sign up? So I became a realtor right out of high school, and I think I was 18, still go go dancing, doing backup dancing. I was getting into more like hip hop backup dancing. Ended up going on tour in my, I think, early 20s with a few different artists, while still doing real estate, you know, part time, then bartending. It just like a very crazy, crazy nightlife. But when I was about 17, 18, I was sexually assaulted by my boss, which you know about. And I ended up taking him to court and a bunch of other people. From what I understood from the police later, I was just a witness because a bunch of other women came forward and had said he did the same thing to them, but because it became sort of public. One of the other dancers introduced me to somebody who did court support and counseling. Her name was Annabel. And Annabel kind of took me under her wing. She could see I was a disaster. Like, I was a complete mess. And she helped me get through the court system and understand how things work. She then kind of became my therapist and taught me about boundaries, what it means to be A woman how to honor myself. And she encouraged me to go back to college to become a child and family therapist, child and youth worker at that time. And I did really, really well in that program. It was just like absorbing it. Like it was. It just meant for me. And, you know, the teachers really liked me. They wanted me, they. I became the valedictorian of all the community service programs. So I felt success. You know, I felt like, wait, maybe I am good at school. Because in high school I skipped most of the time so that I would just memorize the textbook and ace my exams. But in college, I actually really applied myself and did really well. So that was another defining moment for me of feeling like I can be successful and I can do things that are different than what I've been kind of used to doing. So I loved it. I loved psychology. I loved working with children. I worked in that field for probably about five years. And I ended up going back to university and getting my ba But I kind of moved away from that field just because I felt like I was working within a broken system. We were medicating children that were really young and we weren't really resolving the issue. We were just. I felt like we were just putting a band aid on it and I couldn't, I wasn't aligned with it. So I ended up just kind of focusing on real estate and bartending on the side just to make extra money, which is when I met my later to be husband, Jody, in one of the clubs that we used to go to. And we kind of just, you know, had like a very fast relationship. His father ended up passing away during that first year, so it brought us closer together. And shortly after that, we ended up going on vacation where he proposed and we got pregnant. So it was just kind of like my life felt like it was just kind of spiraling forward, you know, and I was just sort of keeping up with it. And the self development journey started during my relationship with Jody. I had opened a cafe with April when we, when we were first pregnant, I think we were four months pregnant. We're like, hey, we. We lived in Leslieville and there's a lot of other parents like us, young parents who still wanted to go to cafes, go to restaurants. And we were really big on feeding our kids well and eating organic and being health conscious. So that was the moment that things kind of took a shift for me and I realized that my life had completely changed. Being pregnant with Maya was also very healing for me. My biggest thing ever since I was a little girl was I always, always wanted to be a mom. And everything that I did indirectly was to prepare myself to be a mom. But when I got pregnant, it wasn't really planned, and I kind of lost my mind a little bit because I was like, no, I'm not ready. I can't do this yet. You know, I still have so much work to do. I still have, like, we weren't really stable, and here I am pregnant, and it was bringing up all kinds of trauma. And Jody was really, really solid. He's a great person. So I definitely chose the right person to go through that journey with. And he's a great dad. So I'm really fortunate to have met him. And I think we really supported each other, me for him, during the time when his dad passed away. And we kind of motivated and inspired each other in a lot of different ways. But he was super patient and solid and had a really safe space for me to be able to grow. And I was a complete disaster. Like, I don't even know how he survived me being pregnant, but he's a strong man. And, yeah, during that time, I was still bartending. And funny story, I was working for you. I was working at Atelier at the time.

And you might have shown up late a couple of times. Yeah.

And you never fired me, but, yeah, it was just kind of like, it's a crazy life, really. But during that time, I was just. I continued to see Annabelle, and when I disappear for a while, she'd call me. She became more of like a mom to me, a second mom. And, you know, she'd show up at all my events, and when I graduated, she'd be there. So she was very much in my life during that time. And in my opinion, she kind of saved me and she prepared me. So after having Maya, we opened a cafe. And it was. It was great. It was fun. It was a lot of work. And we quickly realized I wouldn't be able to just work there. It's not really going to be like, we're not going to be able to make money from that one place. So after taking a couple years off of real estate, because I had Maya and Michael back to back, I ended up going to. Well, actually, one of the moms that I met at the cafe, Pam, she had just finished her Landmark Forum, and I think I asked her the day before her visitor's night, I said, you know, Pam, I've been running this business for a couple years, just had my two kids, and I need to go back and focus on real estate. But I feel like I need something. And she just said, you know what? Come with me tomorrow night. I didn't even ask any questions. I was like, okay. But I trusted her, you know, and I had the relationship with her. So one thing I learned, and I think you have this as well, is if somebody you trust recommends something, you just do it, unless it feels really wrong for you, but you do it. So I did it. I went to the Landmark Forum to her visitors night, and it made my skin crawl because it was very salesy. But in that moment, I said, you know what? This feels uncomfortable. And that's why I'm going to do it. And that was another defining moment, of course, right? So I did the forum, and it was really, really inspiring. And, you know, I'd read a lot. I'd been through school for six years. I was in college, university, learning all this stuff, right? It's all therapy, working with kids, being in the field. But there was a few pieces that I got from the Landmark Forum that really, really took me to the next level. And the other thing about it was just being conscious of when I'm unconscious, of creating stories and pretending that they're real, which is what we all do. And I still do it. And so that was really a huge, huge thing to realize and to come to terms with. It's a pretty intense program. It's three full days. So I thought that that was a really big moment in my life, but it was just the beginning. After doing the Landmark for him, I realized, you know, me and Jody had kind of plateaued in our relationship. I wasn't feeling connected to him. I'd been asking him for quite some time to, like, let's go get some therapy. Let's do something. And he just kind of wasn't ready for it. And he refused to do the Landmark for him, even though he saw me very, you know, excited about it, and he just wasn't there. So it was just kind of that moment where you realize we're going on different paths. It was very sad because I still love Jody. He's a great person. He's a good friend. He's a great father. But that was the moment that I realized if I was to be on this path that I'm on, I have to go. We have to go our separate ways. It was a really difficult decision to make. But it was just. I knew that that was the right thing to do at that time. And I was starting to just get back to who I really am. I started working out again. I started salsa Dancing and bachata, doing things for myself, as well as expanding my learning and, you know, understanding my business better. Really dove into real estate. Started to understand. You know, I had this idea, why would I ask somebody for their business? They know I'm a realtor. If they want me, they'll. They'll come to me. I don't want to be pushy. I don't want to be that pushy, salesy person. But Landmark actually taught me that my value, because I'm like, wait, I'm a good real estate agent. Why wouldn't I be offering that to people that I know? How many people that I know have come to me after they've already bought and sold and said, why didn't you tell me? And here I'm thinking they already know. Well, they don't know because they're busy living their own lives. So, you know, I just. I was what they call a secret agent, right? So I started telling people and reaching out to my friends and saying, hey, if you need help, I'm here for you. And it became more of something I was offering because I'm good at it and because I care. So that was a really big thing. Even though it seems small, it's actually like a huge way of thinking and a shift in my thinking. And that was another one of those moments. And, you know, it's just. It's so amazing because when you think about all the people that played a small or large role, each one had their purpose in your life, and they may not even know it. Right? But that is why, like, what I come to today is just the most important thing is to try to figure out who you really are, what makes you happy, and be the most authentic person that you can possibly be. Hold yourself to really, really strong integrity, and when you fail, come clean, take responsibility, and fix it. Even today with my kids, there are times that I might raise my voice or, you know, call them and just have misunderstandings, and I will apologize to my kids. I'll say, you know what? That wasn't about you. I had a bad day. I was dealing with a lot of stress, and, you know, I'm sorry I took it out on you, but you're being annoying. You know, it's just about having that conversation. And I think the one thing that's really gotten me through a lot is just having a really strong intuition and being connected to who I am. Even though at times I did do that dissociation, which is a trauma response, I would always come back to me, and I always had that strong sense of this doesn't make me happy or this does make me happy. And I was stubborn. I just kind of followed that even when everybody told me not to. And actually, the more people told me not to, the more I wanted to do it.

That little rebel still there.

There's that rebel inside me. It's always. She's always been there, and she will always be there. And fast forward to many other programs I've done. Hoffman. I've done a few plant medicine journeys, read so many books. I have another amazing coach, Patricia, who's helped me a lot as well. And, you know, I've learned a lot through relationships. And one thing that I've done since my. Since my divorce is I'm very discerning. Even though, you know, you learn from every relationship. I just. I didn't want to settle for something that was not aligned with who I am and what I wanted in my life. And what I wanted is to have that joy and to have that feeling of being myself and honoring myself and being that example for my kids and for the people in my life. I never had that example of what a really healthy relationship or marriage or partnership should be. So that was kind of my ultimate goal. And I realized that what makes me happy is helping others and seeing them do amazing things like yourself and you helping others. There's, like. I can't even tell you the amount of joy that I feel when I see that, you know, and just knowing that you're a small part of that. And imagine if we all did that. Imagine if everybody just tried to do their part in helping somebody or even helping themselves.

The world would be a very different.

Yeah, because, like, it's not selfish to help yourself. You know, it's. It's actually honoring yourself. And when we ignore these things, we're. We're dishonoring ourselves and effectively dishonoring everybody else in our lives. Because we all depend. We're all connected. We all depend on each other. You know, like, you probably didn't know some of the times that you helped me, but if you weren't in a good space in that moment to talk to me, you may not have shared something amazing with me. Right. So just finding that beauty in all the little things in my life and really staying connected to myself and having amazing connections in my life, and once I started saying no to people who are just kind of draining me and using me, I started to attract really awesome people. I'm surrounded by, like, the most amazing women, the most incredible humans, the most inspiring people. I Have a really amazing life now. And I created that life from nothing. And if I could do it, anybody could do it. Right. Coming from where I came from, having nothing, coming here with less than anything, and now being in a place where I'm a single mom, I have two amazing teenagers who are just light up my whole life. Having friends like yourself who I love and adore, and sharing moments with you and other people of vulnerability and inspiration brings me so much joy and fulfills me in so many ways. And I'm still on that journey and I'm still learning every day. And, you know, I just try to stay connected to myself and be me. Yeah, that's a lot.

That's a lot. Wow. So much I want to dig in on here. Just going back to. A lot of marriages don't work out because the couple do not share foundational values. They are often attracted to each other for the wounds that they need to heal.

Absolutely.

So they find a partner who they think, well, if I fix my partner, I'll fix that relationship with my dad. Or we unconsciously choose partners that trigger our wounds either because that's when it feels familiar. That's why abusive people who have been in abuse often end up in abusive relationships. And relationships, as we know, are the greatest container for self growth and development. And often in relationships, when one partner starts to question their growth, question their purpose, their identity, and they start doing the work, if their partner isn't willing, isn't open, then one partner is going to outgrow the other. And one day they're going to roll over and look at their partner and say, why are we even married? And that's why I feel, you know, Even though I'm 49 and still single and wanting to be married, I am glad I've waited this long because it took me 45 years to figure out who I am. And I feel most people get married before they don't even know who they are. They don't know what they want. How are you supposed to plan a lifetime together with someone when you don't even know who you really are yet?

Absolutely.

And we grew up with parents who got married in their 20s because they grew up with parents who, you know, were dying in their 60s. So there's this idea that we're supposed to be married at the latest, by 30.

Right.

And if you get married in your 40s or, God forbid, 50s, is something wrong with you? And the truth is, is. And no disrespect to men, but we're morons till we're 40, like, honestly, you.

Know, and even after. I'm just kidding.

But for men, it takes us a while to figure our shit out because we're so focused on making money. We're focused on providing power, status, feeling like a man before we can actually be with a woman and be present and really surrender and give her a heart. So for men, our development is delayed because we spend so much of our youth, you know, our first 30, sometimes even 40 years, just trying to be what society deems a man should be. Whereas women, you're. In your hearts, you're much more. Far more expressive, emotionally connected. Women mature earlier than men because they have the willingness to and the capacity to do so. And when two people enter a relationship and they're at different levels of consciousness or one starts to evolve past the other, it's. It's predictable how it's going to end up, you know, and that's why it's so important that couples do this, work together, that they. When issues start to come up, they see a therapist, they hire individual coaches. They. They work on the wounds that they're unconscious to, because otherwise those wounds are going to be what ultimately tears apart the relationship. Right. And I'm sure in retrospect, when you look back on your relationship with Jody, you can now see so clearly there's hurt. Little. There's little Jodi as a boy hurt. There's little Marie. And you were drawn to him because you felt safe.

Yes.

But there were certain things in the relationship that were missing that you needed. And once you felt safe, then you realized, oh, wait, there's this other part of me that isn't being nourished.

Absolutely.

And I see this happen often with the clients I work with, where I hear the issues they're going through. And it's obvious to me, because I'm on the outside looking in, I could see where the disconnect is. And this goes back to people being so resistant to working with a coach or a therapist or personal development. You know, 10 years ago, if you had a coach or therapist, people are like, what's wrong with you? Like, are you damaged? What's up? You know? And now people. It's shifted where people realize, like, hey, if I'm a successful entrepreneur or a realtor or a mom or whatever, and I want to be the best version of me that I can, then, yeah, of course you have a coach. Right. So it's great to see that it shifted. And of course, unfortunately, with COVID it really impacted the mental health crisis, which has made coaching or therapy, almost like a prerequisite to like survive, survive. And it's beautiful to see that there's this conscious awakening that's happening that people are realizing like, holy shit, we are a society of traumatized people trying to fall in love with one another, trying to have children, raising them with the mindset and the wounds that we've inherited. And please, please, please parents out there, do your inner work so you don't pass it on to your kids. Because I can see how my parents wounds and their mindset has been so ingrained in me that part of the reason why I'm still single is because of the trauma I experience, experienced in my household from my parents, you know, and I know because obviously of our deep personal friendship, the challenges you have with dating based on your relationship with your father. And I think the imbalance that's happening in today's world between masculine and feminine energies and women feeling safe and men feeling appreciated all comes down to there's this. We're living in a very interesting time where, you know, as first generation Canadians or Americans, we grew up in inheriting values and principles from the old school immigrant families of our parents. And now we're here in North America and with social media and all this pressure to be successful, to look a certain way, act a certain way, you know, what is the role of the woman, what is the role of the man? Like all of it is so blurred and distorted and we're trying to navigate that in real time. And one of the things you and I, we talk about a lot because we're both single, we're both attractive, we're both fit, we're both successful, we are very eligible. Yet why is it so hard for us to meet a partner? And that's because one, there's a lot of people out there who are unconscious and really not aware of their wounds. So they're looking for certain things or people to heal themselves. And nobody out there is going to heal you. What they are going to do is they're going to trigger the shit out of you for you to see what needs be to be healed. And I believe that until the masculine, until the feminine are able to heal our own imbalances and realize like, okay, for example, you know, at a time in my life I was a womanizer. You know, I dated a lot of beautiful.

No.

I was never an about. No, you were not.

You were not an asshole.

I dated a lot of women because hurt little Zarak who got bullied in the schoolyard, who didn't feel good Enough grew up and thought, yeah, well, if I have the cool club and the stylish clothes and the hot girls, like, hey, I'm a man, I remember that guy. That programming is what caused me to repeat the same cycle in my life over and over and over again. And there's a lot of men and women that are doing that in their own way. You know, I know as we've talked about before, your need to feel. Your. Your need to feel safe and to be in control often is what actually gets you into a relationship dynamic. That doesn't work.

It doesn't work.

And I think if more men and women understood what is masculine energy, what is feminine energy, what is sexual polarity, and understood that as men and women, we have masculine and feminine energy. And because of our traumas, because of our wounds, if there is that imbalance in our energy, there will be an imbalance in all of our relationships. And, you know, this is something you and I both actively work on, is me being in my masculine, me being empowered, but me being present and me being caring and nurturing and being able to be emotional is something I've really had to work on. Because again, as men, don't cry, don't be emotional, don't be a pussy, all that stuff that we grew up with. And then you in your feminine, you are naturally a very feminine person. But because of your upbringing and you having to protect yourself, you being a single mom, you being an entrepreneur, there are times where you're battling with your own masculine energy, competing with your also.

Just add to that. When I was growing up, my parents were trying to make me into this really passive, subservient type of woman. That's how they were. Women, girls don't do that. You have to learn how to do. And while I am a very nurturing feminine person, it actually pushed because I'm rebellious, it actually pushed me in the other direction. I was like, screw that. I'm not doing any of that. Because I saw how the power dynamic in my house was. So I carried that with me. And then the ego is what protected me. My ego was very strong. So it got me through a lot of these moments. And it took me out of my feminine because my feminine, I saw it at that time as weak. So I wasn't being who I really am. So it's only been more recently that we've discovered the masculine feminine polarity that it's really started to resonate with me. And I'm starting to actually feel like I can be me. I can still be that nurturing, loving, kind woman and at the same time, be strong and powerful in my own ways doesn't necessarily have to be in controlling ways or in the ego ways. And it feels so much better, but I never realized it, and that's always sabotage. Relationships also affects who we attract. Right. So if I'm being not myself or not authentic, then I'm gonna attract the wrong partners as well. They can't be the right person for me because I don't even know who I am.

Yeah. And. And in order for you to feel safe and surrender into your feminine, you need to be with a man who is showing up like a king. Who's showing up, he's honoring his word. He's a man of integrity. He is present with you. You feel like this man is solid. So I don't have to put up my protective layer. I can just surrender into my softness, knowing that I'm safe, I'm good, you know, And I think a lot of men out there are, you know, running around, as they say, like Peter Pan, you know, like a lot of men out there, like myself, you know, I was a total Peter Pan, you know, running around trying to hook up with as many women as I could because I thought, hey, that's what it means to be a man.

Yeah.

But what it means to be a king, you know, embody that energy is be noble, be loving, be powerful, be solid, be rooted in your own internal strength, knowing that you walk into a room with your head high, knowing that you're not perfect and no one is, and that you are a man of your word, you're a man of integrity. And I think that there's a lot of men out there who are operating from a place of that hurt little boy, who are not conscientious about how they're behaving and the repercussions of their actions, which has ultimately led to women not feeling safe, women saying, fuck, that, we don't need men. You know, the whole feminist movement, women, you know, should, you know, not saying that women shouldn't work or women shouldn't make money and all that. But I think it went too far to the other side, where women then be like, okay, we don't need men. You know, we can make our own money. We could adopt a child. We can, you know, but now you're playing the woman of role of a mother and a father, and you're now often again, because people aren't doing this work, they're imbalanced in their energies. And if you as a woman in your natural feminine essence are embodying those masculine qualities. And you want to call in a man. You want a man who you can connect with, who you can be attracted to, who you can surrender with. That's not going to happen because a masculine man isn't going to be attracted to a woman with masculine energy.

Absolutely. And just to put it out there, just because like if I'm, if I'm more feminine doesn't mean it has nothing to do with being male or female. We have both feminine and masculine energy within us. But some people just identify more with their feminine or their masculine. Just like some men are more feminine than masculine. But obviously like a man who, if you're, if you know who you are at your core and if you're a masculine man at your core, you're going to want a feminine woman at her core because that's what the attraction is. You know, just like in same sex relationships, one person has more feminine tendencies, one person has more masculine. It's just the title. Yes. Not to can be confused with like male, female. It has nothing to do with gender. It's an energy, like you said.

And like energy, there's polarity, there's a positive and a negative. So always there has to be that polarity of masculine, feminine. Like you said, regardless, regardless of the gender, regardless of your sexual preference and dynamic of your relationship.

Exactly.

There has to be the masculine and the feminine present. And you know, when I first heard about feminine energy, like, I can't remember who said it to me, but I'm like, bro, I'm a guy, I don't got no feminine energy. But the truth is, is I love art, I love dancing, I love singing, I love many of the feminine essence elements. And I think that's where a lot of men are. They're lacking the understanding of what it means to embody your feminine energy. And if you have feminine energy, feminine, you know, essence in you doesn't mean you're gay. It just means that you're more in touch with those certain elements of yourself. And that's actually very attractive to a woman because the feminine and woman sees the feminine in you. And whether it's like, I mean, that's why women love a man who could dance, you know, loves a man who can communicate and be emotional and expressive. Loves a man who could write poetry and be nurturing because your feminine essence appreciates that in him.

Exactly.

And, and same on the other side as well. Like, you know, a man appreciates a woman who can also like get shit done. When it's needed, you know, be responsible in sense where she's just not so floaty and all over the place that he has to feel like he's got to take care of everything. Right, exactly.

And has boundaries.

And has boundaries, absolutely. Yes. A man definitely respects a woman when she has her boundaries. And he knows, okay, this is, this is the parameters or this is the circumstances of the relationship and what she needs and doesn't need. Yeah. And I feel that is definitely a big missing then. You know, we talk about it often about why it is just so challenging with dating to find partners right now. You know, of course, the apps and social media and just how easy it is to double tap or swipe or whatever is really. Is really complicating things.

Yeah. And, you know, I, me personally, I've been on a healing journey, so I've attracted different types of people at different points in my journey. And each one of those people played a large role in my healing. But that was because I made the conscious choice of learning and growing. You can't just get out of something and just point the finger at the other person. Every relationship takes two people. So when I had relationships fail, the one really important thing that I did was I looked at myself, that person. You've already ended things with them. They're gonna go on and do what they do. But the best thing to do is to take everything you can out of every situation. Really look at yourself and look at what your part in it was, what you did or you didn't do that could have helped, or what were you feeling? What were the triggers? Where did they come from? It's so important to do that because if you don't, you're just gonna keep repeating the same pattern over and over again until you do. And I can tell you, even up until recently, I've been doing that, you know, and every layer is another perspective, and it's quite incredible. But what it took for me is the seeking, right. And always looking to see what my part and taking responsibility for myself and my choices. I've never been a victim. I've never played the victim, is what I should say. Even when I was victimized, I didn't take on the role of the victim. I always thought, how are you going to protect yourself? What are you going to do next? How are you going to learn from this? How are you going to grow from this? And I always tried to find the silver lining. And for me, the masculine, feminine polarity was a huge piece of my puzzle because there were times Like, I'm very energetically sensitive, so there are times that I would feel things and I just would not understand why. Why am I not. This. This guy seems so awesome. Like, why don't I feel connected? Why don't I feel drawn to him? And it was something to do with me healing my masculine feminine energy or him, you know, or whatever role we were playing for each other. I discovered that much later. But when I look back, I could see how many times it's actually affected me and what I felt. And I'm just the type of person, if I feel something, I can't pretend like that was another thing. I've always been real.

Yeah.

Maybe a little too real sometimes.

But all is said with love.

Yes.

You know, when I think about what would have been most helpful for me, you know, along the way, because obviously, looking back, hindsight's always 20 20. And this goes out to anybody out, you know, who is struggling to find a partner or maybe in a relationship and going through those challenges, I feel that understanding your wounds and understanding why you're being triggered, as I say, our triggers are our teachers. Understanding what it is that's being brought up when you get triggered is a great place to start your healing journey. I feel that understanding masculine feminine energy, the polarity of that, especially for people who've been married a long time, they're in a relationship with their partner, and they just don't feel sexually attracted to them anymore. Understanding sexual polarity is super important. And then I would also say that understanding attachment styles.

Yes.

And really, you know, understanding how your wounds and from your childhood impact how you engage or disengage in a relationship. Because I had been an avoidant for most of my life and never really understood what that meant until I, you know, I read Attached, and I started to learn more about, you know, why I do certain things when I get triggered and I don't feel safe.

Yeah.

And I think for someone to understand that as a foundation will give them a better chance at working through the challenges with their partner and helping them to be open to call in someone who is, you know, more aligned with the type of relationship they want.

One huge thing that I think of while you're speaking, like, kind of like the common denominator of all this is all this knowledge and all this learning and embodying it. What. What I came to personally is it's not personal. Right. So that was really big for me. I know it doesn't sound like a huge deal, but whatever somebody else is going through, like, you Said you have avoidant attachment at times, right? So that has nothing to do with me if I'm in a relationship with you. Your attachment is your attachment, but it affects me, of course. But understanding that we're all each on our own healing journey and somebody might not be right for you when. Which is okay, but it doesn't mean they're doing something to you. And it wasn't until I really looked at everybody who's hurt me in my life and really, truly forgave them, and I was able to see their pain and have compassion for every single person that I really felt free. Like all those energetic cords were just completely severed. And it was just understanding that we are all in this together. There is like, I don't really think anybody is trying to be bad or hurt you intentionally. I read this book. I can't remember if it was Four Agreements, but it was one of Miguel. What is his name?

Don Miguel Ruz.

One of his books, it really stood out to me, was saying that we are all people walking out with like big gaping wounds on our bodies and we're trying to protect ourselves so we don't rub up against each other's wounds, you know, but you can put band aid on band aids on those wounds or wrap yourself up, but they still hurt. And it's not until you truly allow yourself to heal that you can actually be free and just. You can. You can touch people, you can be close to people. Right. I always kind of. I've done all this self development, but I still got to a place recently where I'm like, oh, look at where you're distancing yourself. I still create situations where I can't really connect with the person because of whatever story I have or whatever situation I put myself in. And I'm just like, oh, I can't connect to them. But realistically, if I actually looked at it, I'm creating that because I'm still trying to protect myself when there's really nothing to protect myself from. And when I really, truly looked at my life, I saw all the moments when I was actually protected. I was always safe. I was always safe because I wouldn't have those opportunities every step of the way, those realization moments, you know, the people that have showed up in my life if I wasn't really safe and protected, but it gave me so much freedom. Now I can just be me and just connect with people authentically. And when I'm not authentic, like the other day I actually went on a date and I noticed I went into my default Setting, you know, because I could feel maybe sense that he was a little bit nervous. And then I just kind of got into the fix it mode. But then I wasn't being authentic. And that's not how you connect. So it's just noticing those moments, then you start to do them less.

Yeah. And what I've come to learn is God, universe, source, whatever word you have provides us with all the people and all the experiences we need for us to learn and grow and evolve. And if we can look at every situation as okay, here's a lesson that God is giving me. Here's a person that has come into my life to show me something. And that regardless of how that relationship may turn out, it's for your growth. And when you can just live from a place of curiosity, non attachment, and just be willing to see everything as a blessing, you're able to separate yourself from the story and just be able to trust, surrender, and truly explore what there is for you to learn from that experience.

I will share one more experience that highlights that. I remember I was doing a breathwork session and at one point I felt God or heard. I don't know how it came through, but I've always protected you. I've always been there. And then I saw all these moments in my life where I mistaken mischievously, got myself in really bad situations where I don't even know how I got out of it. Some random person came in and pulled me out of it somehow. Like it was actually quite remarkable and amazing. When I think about those moments and it just kind of dawned on me like I've been trying to protect myself, but I've always been safe and I can just be.

Put down the guard now.

I put down the guard you could trust.

Yeah.

And it feels amazing, you know, and just getting back to that joy, even when you get thrown out or pulled out of it, you can always get back there. Yeah, right. And we have our tools, right? We. I love breath work, I love journaling, I do yoga, the gym really helps me a lot. And also having these conversations with friends. The other day when I was talking to somebody and I realized how fortunate I am to have so many people that I can have these deep conversations with. Because that person just didn't really. They weren't not kind of on the same path and it was really hard to have a conversation. I was like, wait, this is crazy. Like I actually have so many people in my life that I can have these conversations and I grow all the time from them. And it's such a Blessing, but it's because I chose that. And, you know, we can all choose whatever we want in our lives and manifest it.

I believe that, yeah, choosing to be on this path is a lifelong commitment, you know, because once you start to peel back the layers, it just keeps going and going and going.

There's nowhere to get. No, there's nowhere to get to. It's just the journey and enjoying every moment of it.

That's it. Because with every set of layers you pull back, there's this whole new world of self discovery and the universe that's within us. And, you know, it's been beautiful to witness your journey. It's been beautiful to walk along this path with you. I know that we have many more adventures and many more experiences to share together. I'm super excited to now be collaborating with you as we're going to be coaching together, which is really a beautiful full circle experience that you are now joining me with the PATH program and we're going to be sharing this work and magic with others. And yeah, I'm really excited for it. And it's. Yeah. Yesterday when we had our first group call, that was something very special about.

That, you know, so there's a synergy there.

Yeah. I'm happy that life has brought us together in this way and that. And that we're both doing our thing and making a difference for others. And I know that.

And holding each other accountable.

Absolutely.

That's big.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, you know, I'm honored and so.

Grateful to have you in my life and be on this journey with you as I am.

As am I. And I know, I know the best is yet to come for both of us.

Absolutely.

So, you know, thank you so much for being so generous with your sharing, for being here to inspire, you know, others with your story and yeah, just.

Thank you for having me.

Blessed and grateful for your friendship. Yes. If you enjoyed this podcast and you learned something valuable, then please hit subscribe so you don't miss the future episodes. I'd love it if you share this with a friend and leave us a review. Your feedback is so important to our growth. Thank you for supporting the Path to Purpose podcast. I appreciate you. I'll see you in the next episode.