S3 Dads in Bad Marriages: more critical, give less positive feedback, are more withdrawn

Dads in bad marriages are more critical, they give less positive feedback, and they are more withdrawn toward their kids. And I think most dads that are in a fight with their spouse or struggling in their relationship know that to be true. It's hard to be a good dad when you're just, when you're in a messed up headspace. Now, in my comment section, this is going to go 3 ways. You know, 1, people say, "Stay in that bad marriage for the sake of the kids." 2, they say, "Get out of the marriage, divorce." Really heavy-handed on that. Or 3, "Fix the marriage." So, let's just start off by saying, don't stay in a bad marriage for the sake of the kids because the kids will not benefit from you being miserable and then realizing that their upbringing was just a ruse anyway. It's not the answer. So, It's well known that I'm bullish on marriage. You know, I, I make no confusion around the subject. I think it's good. I know it's good. I've seen the studies that it's good. It is clearly the best way to raise kids. It has the most positive impact on the community as a whole in terms of quality of life for everyone, uh, crime rates, poverty, healthcare, education, overall happiness, uh, all those things grade out in a positive direction. In married families versus in a broken home. So there are real tangible benefits, but let's be clear, you know, there is a huge difference between being married and having a strong marriage. I don't advocate for bad marriages or bad relationships. It's absurd that I even have to say that, but the comment section always gets riled up if I don't. And you know, I love you comment section, but you You're sometimes a pain in the ass. Kids benefit from, from dad being a loving dad to the kids and treating his wife well. There's a connection between the two things. And I encourage dads to teach their kids how to marry well so that they avoid the prospect of bad marriage and divorce in their future. I want my boys to know what they're looking for in a spouse. They need to have discussions with potential spouses about their views on their views on marriage, um, and that is like the willingness to work through tough times and acknowledge that those tough times will in fact come, on how many kids that they want, on how they want to raise those kids, on their views of faith, uh, you know, how they view and how they handle money, uh, on their relationship with their family members and, and your future in-laws, uh, on their values and morals. Because those, those subjects are the big triggers for disputes in marriage. That, that's what most people fight about and have the biggest disagreements on. And so being on the same page in those issues, my gosh, it's such a, a leg up on, a leg up in the relationship. So much of the feedback that I received from divorced and single dads on this platform is dads being very critical of their ex-wife's morals and ethics and financial handling and all that fun stuff. Things that can be known well before marriage, but for whatever reason were avoided or just not talked about. Maybe they didn't know, or maybe they didn't want to know. Teaching our next generation to marry well and produce kids with a worthy spouse will have tremendous, tremendous benefits in just one generation. So let's us make that— so, so let's us dads make that one of our goals. I encourage dads to model a strong marriage, demonstrate that it takes actual effort, that you need to stick through the difficult times. I'm not saying live miserably. I'm just saying nothing is going to be perfect and smooth sailing all the time. So we have to work through those times and let the kids see that mom and dad do in fact put the effort in, and they read books on marriage, they attend marriage workshops to improve their relationships, and they put actual effort into the relationship. It doesn't just magically happen like in a fairy tale. Most churches will offer these at, at some point. Certainly be willing to go to marriage counseling during the tough times, and tough times are going to happen. And the reason I'm bullish on counseling is because it actually helps with the communication between a a husband and wife that are fighting. I feel it's a disservice to kids to kind of hide this from them. I think they should— not that it should be put, you know, front and center, but it should be not hidden or anything like that. So to hide this from them, I think they should see marriage takes actual effort and commitment and work. I feel many underestimate the husband-wife relationship. The quality of that spousal relationship impacts so much in life when it's bad and when it's good. And that's, I mean, even just from this short list, it's, it's just about every aspect of life. You know, we've got other content out there and how much it benefits the community when there's a whole family home versus a broken family home where, you know, crime rates go down, poverty rates go down. Education rates. Every single thing that's like measurable and tangible in life goes in a positive direction when there's a complete family at home, versus when it's broken, everything kind of goes to crap. That's statistically— that's not saying it— you're not going to get out of bad situations, or, or kids from broken homes can't make it, or you're going to be dumb or poor, whatever like that. Of course that's not the scenario. We have, we have our own unique personalities and drives and free will, but But statistically, kids that come from those complete families, uh, are going to do better off because they have a leg up on everything. Their world is more stable and complete. But back to what I was saying, the quality of the spouse relationships impacts, you know, just the parent satisfaction with kids. When you're in a miserable mood all the time because you're feuding with your spouse and you just feel like your life's miserable, you're not going to be happy with the things your kids do. You might fake it a little bit or or do your best effort, but when you're not happy, it's going to be hard to translate that happiness to someone else. Child-parent communication. You're going to communicate better when you're in a good mood. Your commitment to the kids. A lot of dads, and I've even heard a lot of moms lately, are just walking away. The kid's ability to handle crisis is a new one I learned. I was reading that in a book and I can't remember which one. But their ability to handle stressful situations improves when they see, uh, when they have a good mom and dad and a good support structure at home, and when they see them work through their own struggles. Uh, overall happiness in the home, foundation of the home, stability, security, um, financial, the sexual future of the kids, almost everything. And I believe it's actually everything that is measurable in a family dynamic improves when the husband-wife relationship is good. And that's why I stress this so much. Otherwise, I wouldn't care. I'd say get divorced, be single, whatever. You know, if it had no impact, I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't push this so much. I wouldn't put this kind of content out there. Home culture is an important component of a kid's upbringing. And there is a reality that that husband-wife, that husband-wife team that is in sync and works together within a good marriage creates that penultimate home culture. And regardless of marital status, or if you're a single dad, widower, divorced, there needs to be a focus on making home life stable, safe, joy-filled. And the earlier you can build that foundation, the better, which is why 100% Dad emphasizes building foundations when kids are young. That just makes the later years easier to deal with. When thinking about culture of your home, consider how a kid feels right before they walk in the door from school. You know, when they turn that handle, what's going through their mind? Are they happy and content and glad to be back in their safe, caring environment that they call home, where life is happy and expectations are known? Or are they worried, maybe anxious, because they don't know what they will find when they open that door? Is it another fight? Is Is it drunken behavior? Is it these new strangers? Tears? You know, for some kids it's a roll of the dice. You know, there's addictions and manic mood swings, lack of self-control within the home that just create these wild swings in the vibe of the home. And sometimes it's super high and fun and amazing. Other times it's depressing and scary and stressful and sad. It's unstable and it's an absolute roller coaster. A good home culture is, is kind of boring and predictable, and, and that stability is comforting for kids. And that's not to say that there can't be spont— spont— spontaneous or fun impulsive moments. It's just, for the most part, the rules are the same, the routines are the same, your moods are for the most part predictable, expectations are known in relation to the family values and morals and ethics and grades and social behavior and anything else that your family deems important. Part of creating this home culture is the teamwork aspect of mom and dad and how they work together. And a big part of that is communication and staying in sync. And us dads need to be talking with mom and mom needs to be talking with dad. And specifically, you know, how the kids are doing. Like, these are constant conversations we're having, right? How they're doing in school and athletics and with their friends socially, and their hobbies, their interests, their experiments, because these things change, they ebb and flow, so we need to stay in sync with them. Any problems we're having with the kids, any problems from school, any issues that are bubbling to the surface. Goals for each kid, and that's both what the kids' goals are and what mom and dad's goals are for the kids, and, you know, working towards those things, and how consistent mom and dad are and being in discipline and advice, positive comments, motivation, and the overall direction the child is trending. Consistency is important. If we're getting conflicting information from mom and dad, conflicting discipline, conflicting advice, conflicting positive comments, conflicting— it's a mix. It's obviously a mixed message to the kids. So consistency is a winning formula. This would apply towards stepparents and divorced parents as well. Consistency is going to be a good thing. To loop this all back around, dads that are struggling in their marriage, which is a completely normal thing in every single marriage at some point, uh, there's no perfect marriages, they've got to realize it has implications on the family as a whole. It impacts the kids, it impacts the culture of the home, and the best thing you can do is address those issues. And often the best way to address those issues without getting into a blowout fight is to do it with a counselor. And you can start at your local church or hop online and find a good marriage counselor. Wives will almost always attend. I've heard a few stories about wives that just refuse. It's the dads that are typically more prideful, maybe it's vulnerability, or they're just too damn stubborn to go. You know, there's some dads that feel it's a weakness to strengthen your marriage. And so, you know, I've— shoot, I've been to marriage counseling. They won't pick sides. You know, they're simply just really good at making sure the words you say are heard by your spouse in the way you intended them to be heard. Because most often these big fights between spouses, it's more about not fully understanding what the other one is saying because one spouse is misinterpreting or jumping to conclusions or not reading in between the lines. Counselors are good at creating that clarity and kind of rephrasing what you said or making sure the other spouse hears it the way you meant to say it. You know, and with an eye towards the future, I think one of the most important things that's not being talked about and demonstrated enough is how to marry. Moms and dads, please talk to your kids about finding the right person, on how to go about dating, on having having real talks about important topics before getting engaged, doing the things that result in a long, successful marriage. Most divorced folk will, will agree that there are certain things that they wish they would have known about their spouse prior to tying the knot. This is 100% Dad. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. For more dad-based encouragement and wisdom, find 100% Dad on 100dad.com. And on social media almost always at @100dad. I am Townsend Russell and this is 100% Dad. This is 100% Dad. Find our current tour schedule on 100dad.com, 100dad.com, on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, and more @100dad, 100dad. Email Townsend at 100dad.com.