S3 E16 Michael LaRocque of The Revived Couple and Men's Coach

This is the 100% Dad Podcast, Season 3, Episode 16. We got Michael LaRocque, R-O-C-Q-U-E. Doesn't look like rock, but it sounds like rock. The Revived Couple. Tell us a little bit about you, Michael. I know you guys do The Revived Couple. I know you do some men's groups and things like that, but tell us what you've been speaking into lately.

Oh, thanks, buddy. It's great to be here. Yeah, The Revived Couple. So that kind of stemmed off of my wife and I I wasn't the greatest husband. So then, uh, we're, we're on a break of divorce where you kind of had everything set up to get divorced and then, uh, did a bit of work and, and ended up falling back in love. And then now we're Revive. So we're the Revive couple. And then that's where we've been working with a lot of couples. My wife works a lot of women and then I've been really getting into the men's work side of things out of necessity almost. My wife works with a lot of women and it, it always kind of turned out to be, you know, hey, can you talk to my husband for a minute? Hey, can you do this? Can you do that? And then it just kind of morphed into what it is now. And, um, together we do, we do programs with couples, then she works with women and then I work with men and sometimes we cross over just to get different point of views. But it's, uh, it's pretty exciting. It's fun. And I get to do it full-time now as well. So I left my, uh, my prior career and it's just, it's turning into what it is. It's, uh, it's a great time.

How, how long were you married when you were going through those struggles?

Yeah, so I, we met when we were young, so like we grew up together. We always say I was, I was 19, she was 18, and we actually, we were together quite a while before we got married. We got married in 2010. So then we were married for, call it 3 to 4 years of, uh, of kind of a, not really like a really rough marriage, but it was one of those marriages where we really fell into a rut, really patterns. I was drinking a lot. I was, um, construction worker, so that's how I relieve my stress. And I had to go through a lot with that. We can, we can touch on more of that later, but, so about 3, 4 years, that's when finally it was the breaking point for my wife and she, she decided that, hey, we gotta do.

So you got, you guys start dating 18, 19 years old. You're, you're together for 3, 4 years, then get married or you get married right away. I didn't quite.

No. Oh, sorry. Yeah, we were, we were together for, oh man, 6, 7 years before we got married.

Okay. And so now when you say together, you were dating or you were actually living together like a married couple?

Dating. And then we're basically a married couple for like, call it 5 years, something like that, right? So the writing was on the wall a little bit.

So you were at like the 8, 9, 10 year mark of being kind of exclusive with each other?

Exactly. Like, they were on 18 years now, right? So it's, uh, I always say we, we basically grew up together.

Okay. Uh, and so the struggles happened around 10 years. How long did it take you to get past, uh, I guess, work your way through, uh, to a place where you were in a good spot in your marriage? Yeah.

So what happened was we, like I say, it was a very— there's always love, tons of love. Uh, we didn't fight a lot. I didn't really hardly fight at all. Right. So, which was the passion was kind of dying in that sense. Um, the, the cycle was, it was a very, it was a pattern. You could almost set your watch to it. Right. Like, I would drink on the weekend to relieve my stress from work as a site superintendent on big commercial construction projects. And then, you know, we would fight, argue that weekend, Monday, Tuesday, wouldn't talk. Wednesday would come around, start to, you know, reconcile a little bit. Thursday would be great. Friday would come around and I'd be drinking again. It was just like a, like, it was like Groundhog Day kind of.

We were living, right? So, so was drinking the cause?

I would say 90. 95% of it was the other 5 was myself. Not, not all me, right? It's a relationship, so it goes both ways. But I wasn't in touch at all with, with, you know, past traumas, past programming, past anything, right? So it took a lot of self-work on my own to really, um, to really bring myself better to the relationship. So as soon as I was working on myself, getting better, my wife was in the process of working on herself. She actually went out with a She was with a counselor for about a, call it 6 months to a year before I finally decided to, you know, get on board and, and actually start making some changes myself. And then, uh, that really, that really propelled our relationship. But in that, she was strong enough to finally say, hey, that's great. We can, we can keep this marriage going and we can be together, but we gotta change. Like things have to really change. We have to change something dramatically. So we ended up actually selling everything we own. Oh, I shouldn't say everything. We put some into storage, sold most of everything. Then we ended up moving to London, to the UK for 2 years. Oh, just to, just to kind of—

That's a change.

Yeah. Just to hit reset, right? Like hit reset on everything. I, I grew so much as a person in those 2 years. That was 2014 to 2016. Uh, I, I changed probably 180.

So, so now why did you need a change of location to make a change in your life?

I was, I was really following those patterns of, like I say, work, drinking. My friend's circle was that I had a lot of drinking buddies, right? With when we were all working in the same industry, we're all doing the same thing. Okay. And I just couldn't break that cycle on, like on without getting away from that. I was just stuck in that cycle of just—

So you felt like even if you wanted to make the change, you would've gotten pulled back into the old habits, old ruts.

A little bit. Yeah, exactly. Like I would, I would, I would like, it wasn't, constant, right? Like I would get out of it for a while, smarten up, but then I would easily fall right back into that same rut, same routine. And, you know, just over and over.

That's interesting. So you moved to England.

It was, it was pretty cool, man. It was, so I'm, I'm a construction worker. It was, I always say it was like a summer job that didn't end. I had no, I had no real idea of what I wanted to do. I wasn't the best in school, high school. I barely made it through, but I got through. And then it was like, hey, you got a summer job here working on a roof. So I was like, oh, okay, let's do that. That was in my hometown. And then Ended up moving a few hours away and I was like, well, needed a job. So hey, I got some construction experience and then ended up with commercial construction. And from 18 years old onwards, that's all I knew. And I ended up being really good at it. I wasn't exactly passionate about it. I really don't, I don't like saying I didn't like it cuz there was definitely parts I did and there was a lot to take away from it and it gave me like skills that I'll take on for the rest of my life. But I grew up in a small farm in Northern Saskatchewan here in Canada. So it gave me a really good sense of, you know, problem solving, work hard. I can dig a ditch all day if I had to and just head down, work, don't say nothing, listen to the older guys telling me what to do. So I fit that mold of a construction worker extremely well. And then I got doing that, I got sent up leadership ladder so fast because I showed, you know, showed some initiative. Show you can solve some problems. And like right away I was running jobs. So I was running $10 million project, all $10 million plus projects by the time I was 23. And that was kind of onward. So from 23 to 30, 30 is when I moved to London. I was running these jobs and to deal with the stress, to deal with the anxiety of having, you know, 80, 90, 100 guys on site every day. That's where I'd kind of run away on weekends and, and just drink my problems away. Drink my anxieties away. So that was, uh, that was my coping method with it. Everyone has their own kind of coping method. That one just wasn't healthy one.

So, so I did construction, uh, my freshman year of college, uh, the summer in between. It was concrete, so it was kind of, um, kind of rolled through that summer of different progressions. But, you know, sometimes it was formwork, you know, setting up the site. Sometimes it's actually pouring or prepping the pours. Uh, and then kind of moved up to, uh, block— the block crews and brick crews. And, you know, uh, making the mud, keeping the mud fresh for the masons, and hauling block, and just make sure the masons had everything they needed. And then we're able to go. Then from there, I got— last part of the summer, I got promoted to the pump crew where we were filling the, uh, filling the hollow parts of the, um, cinder blocks. Because we're in Florida, everything's made of cinder blocks. Construction is a— I, I don't know why, but construction's a rough crowd. I mean, there's really good guys in there, but man, the language, the topics of discussion, how they view the world, it is a crude, uh, a crude crowd.

Um, yeah, it is. And I fit that. I live that stereotype.

So I didn't know if Canada was the same way because, you know, Canada is the nice country. So I don't know if, uh, you know, everyone's just super the opposite of American construction workers. But all right, so it was the same up there?

Oh buddy, like, like I say, you could have wrote a book. I lived that. I was that guy. And like I say, I was the leader of these guys, right? So sure, I was, I was living that lifestyle. And I wouldn't say that I had to put up a persona by any means or a facade, but I mean, that was, you know, work hard, drink hard, wake up in the morning, do the exact same thing again, right? So that's how—

so why is that? Why, why does the construction crew seem to have, um looser morals, less values, and just kind of a— I don't know, less filtered language and that kind of stuff. Why is that? Do you know? I don't know if you ever dove into the psychology of a construction worker, but that's a great question, buddy.

I— it really is. It's, it's more of a stereotype that you almost live into and fall into, that, you know, hey, this guy, the old guy, was a construction worker that did those things, so that must be what you could do, so I do that. And I mean, I say it and I'm not gonna put anyone down because that's how, that's the life we chose and that's what we live in construction. We're like, I've made, I've made over, I was six figures for almost my whole life. Right. Oh yeah.

Those guys make bank.

Yeah. So it's not like we're less than by any means, but it was just like we, most of us, you know, barely made it through high school, just kind of float through or didn't graduate high school and just landed in that job and didn't particularly want it and like it. So there's not a lot of passion there. So if you don't have passion for your work, it's really easy to, poor me, get mad at the world every day. It was so, it was such a negative breeding ground. And you know, well, you know, probably too, like negative negativity just breeds negativity. And it was almost one of those things where you wore it as a badge of honor to have, have that negative story in the coffee room, right? Like, oh yeah, X happened to me. Then the guy next to you would be like, oh, that's bad. I did this. And then it just kept growing and growing, right? And like I say, you almost wear that as a badge of honor.

So the other thing that drove me crazy— I'm never just on a construction worker tangent— um, was we'd always stop at a convenience store before and then a convenience store after, right before you get to the job, right after you leave the job. And those guys— I, I was so cheap, I would bring like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and a, uh, and a brown sack lunch, and I'd sit in the barbecue restaurant during the lunch hour, which I hated. I hated the fact that I had to stop working for an hour. I couldn't do anything productive, so I just wasn't getting paid when I could jam my lunch down in like 5 minutes and then go back to work. But I couldn't because the crew wasn't there. So I'd go to the, um, you know, down there we have like Sonny's Barbecue. Wherever we went, everyone else would spend like $15, $20, you know, for lunch and then, uh, not work for an hour. But then they drop so much money on beer and tobacco and beef jerky and breakfast sandwiches and just stuff. It's at the convenience store, which is like the highest profit margin possible, you know, for that company. It just— it drove me nuts how much money was wasted at the C-Store. Um, now we're just on the—

no, you know, it's funny, right? You got a couple subs and a couple of Monster Energy drinks and off you go. It's just, uh, it's pretty crazy. But yeah, it's, it's fun.

And the way I figured it, so the way I was looking, even back then at 18, I was like, man, so I think I was making like $12 an hour or something like that. Was 2005. Um, so it's like $12 an hour. I'm like, man, these guys are dropping like $10, $15, $20 in the morning. And then same thing, I'm like, and then lunch. So it's like 4 hours of your working day just gone because you didn't get paid for lunch. Then you spent about an hour's worth of income at lunch, and then you did the same thing before and after work. I'm like, that's 4 hours. I just don't buy that stuff and like show up around lunchtime, like do something else. It drove me absolutely nuts. Now some of those guys were Masons making big-time money.

Yep, yeah. Oh, absolutely right. And like I say, it just— that's kind of the way it is. And now when I understand too, because you really fall into a pattern of going to the convenience stores, like, okay, I should get some lunch today, I should, you know, maybe I'll buy lunch for the week, and then that you missed whatever, going to the store on Sunday. And then the convenience store, just, well, it's in the name, right? It's just so easy, and you just end up going there, and off you go. And it's ni— it's e— that's hangover food and comfort food, and just off you go.

Yeah, I, I mean, I like construction workers because they're kind of like the, I don't know, that traditional man's man. Like, I mean, they're, they're physically able, they, they usually have clever ideas. Like, I would never— construction guys, I think, are some of the most clever people that work in that field. I mean, talk about solving problems. I mean, oh, and just the strangest ways. They'll like take apart your car to get their tractor working.

You nailed it. And that was, that was one of the things that really made me invaluable. And I wore that as well, is, you know, I really pride myself on being able to fix problems. Mind you, I caused most of those problems, but I can fix problems. And then growing up on the small farm as a kid, you know, you had to— there wasn't money to like, you know, just go to this, go to buy things or anything, right? You had to fix it, you had to make it, you had to get things done. And It was, it was really invaluable growing up that way. And then obviously helped me a lot in my career. Sure.

Yeah. Problem solving skills are incredibly valuable.

They are. You just got to know where you use them. That's where now in relationships, make sure you're not the problem. Don't try to solve all the problems all the time. Right. So it's a big learning in that too.

There you go. So let's jump it relevant to the dads that are listening. So you do men's groups. What are the, what are the problems that you're seeing most commonly that are, that men are facing? That, that men are struggling with?

Yeah, so really try to break it down with guys, right? So the first one, with most people I should say, just is body. Like most of us, our bodies, by the time we hit 35 kind of onwards, we're, we're really disappointed when we look in the mirror. We're not what we used to be. Um, you know, we don't bounce back as well as we used to. We're probably not eating the greatest. We're probably not getting the best sleep if you got younger kids. Just all these things, right? So The body's not really there. Our habits, most of us, or our habits are kind of shot as well. Like if they are habits, they're not really healthy habits anymore, or, you know, maybe you just never had any. And then, so from, from body, I always go from body into relationships. So like I say, around that 35, that's most of the people I talk to, right? The middle-aged men, 45, 50, is the relationship kind of breaking down as well as turning into more roommates than anything, right? If, if that, if either your roommates or the fighting's just too much, or you're just nitpicking at each other all day, the communication's just so broken that just not talking to each other anymore, or if you are talking, it's not really, it's not productive. The listening's not there. Most guys, we just never learned to listen properly to our woman. So I mean, that's, that's really broken down, right? So that, and then I go into more, more mind work with men as well. Just mindset. The things that I really had to get into with my ego, being vulnerable, you know, like I say, listening and just really tapping into that and, and finally figuring out who I was, who I was as a person and who I wanted to be and not just, you know, float through life being the stereotype, working and paying bills and, you know, that's it kind of thing. Right. So, all right.

So, so let's split off those 3 subjects. So we got 3 subjects that, that men are struggling with is their body at about age 35, their body's kind of breaking down, not recovering as well. It doesn't look the way they want it to look. Their relationship status and how the relationship is performing, and then just the mindset of the dad. So let's spend like 7 minutes on each of those topics, and that'll kind of be the remainder of this podcast. So we know what dads are facing body-wise. So what's— I guess, what's the solution? How do we, how do we approach the fact that our bodies are not what we want them to be? They're not what they used to be. They don't recover as well. And they just don't look the daggum same as our, maybe our prime years, let's call that, which I think is a poor term. I think our prime years are ahead of us, um, you know, just maybe, you know, I mean, if you can kind of see my hair right here, like I'm starting to thin out a little bit. It's coming for me. I know it's coming for me.

That's awesome. I'm very fortunate. I'm actually creating the biggest sin. I shaved my head, but I should have— I'm Native American, so I don't think I'll ever, uh, my hair should stay there, so I should be okay. But, but no, back to the body is, it's a big one with, with most guys. I mean, I dealt with it a lot too, with you get caught up with work cuz you're pushing for this career that, you know, I'm providing for my family, I'm doing this for my kids, for a better life than I had, all that stuff, right? I'm doing this for the money, getting it done, but at, at what cost, right? And we, we talked about it with the construction workers. So you're going to convenience store every day, drinking pop, drinking energy drinks, drinking, eating chips, doing whatever, right? Like obviously you're not filling your face with salad and, and chicken breast. So I mean, our eating is off. We're really not working out because most of us can tell lies to ourselves of we're working 10, 12 hours a day. I'm beat up. I just, I don't have time to work out. Or, you know, I gotta, I gotta help my kids. I gotta get them to sports or different activities. I have just so much on their plate that our bodies, our everything of our self-care, we'll call it, gets put on the back burner that we just have to get through the day to provide some food on the table, to get our kids to whatever they have to get to, get them fed, get them to sleep, and then live it again. Right?

So, so what's the solution?

So the big one I'm working on lately is I'm always a, I was a burpee guy for, don't, don't ask me why I hate burpees, but burpees in the sense of, uh, I was in CrossFit for a bit before we moved to London, just trying to, obviously getting on that board. That was in 2012, 2013. So it was really, that was kind of the height of its popularity here. I guess it's popular now too. But so I was into CrossFit and burpees is a big part of that. And then when I moved to London, I got, I don't know if you ever heard of London Real. It's a podcast with this Brian Rose. He's a pretty big guy there. And I ended up meeting him And kind of falling under his wing for a while and having him as a mentor for a bit. And he had on, um, Joe, I can't remember his name. Dispensa, I wanna say. Disparta. What he started the Spartan races or he runs those Spartan races. And I remember him being on an episode and saying that he could do 300 burpees in 18 minutes, or he does these 300 burpees in 18 minutes. So I took that on as a challenge for a while of trying to get 300 burpees in 18 minutes.

And I, how many did you do the first time?

I just never did it, man. I got to, I think the first time I did it was about 35 minutes and then I got, I did it for about 9 weeks and I have no idea why I quit. I think I just finally hit the, like, I can't do it. I got to 23 minutes or 22 minutes and I just like, I, I can't find, I don't know where to—

you gotta give your body, you gotta give your body recovery too. You can't do the same. 'Cause I know there's some pushup challenges, like do 100 pushups a day for like 100 days or something like that. There's stuff like that, but you just, you never gave, when it's that same muscle group all the time, you're not giving your body the time to recover.

There is— the beauty of burpees is like lower body, upper body, that whole cardiovascular. It's a bit of everything, right? So like I say, that's what I'm doing right now actually. I got a bunch of guys together for— you do 50 burpees a day. So, but, but you can, you can break them up as well, right? You can do 10.

So the time doesn't matter?

Time doesn't matter. No, there's no time challenges, no nothing, right? Like I've, I've broken it down to like we can do scale it as hard as you want or as easy as you want. It's just whatever your body's feeling that day.

So you never— well, I gotta get back to this because you had a challenge your way, and it sounds like you never, you never, you never hit the goal of 318 minutes. Is that accurate?

It is. And I've— it, trust me, it beats me up. You failed. I did. And it beats me up as a, as a man, and I have a quite a high pride level. It does, it beats me up, especially these 50. I do them every morning, right? And I do them, and it's like I gotta get, I gotta try this 300 again one day. I gotta try this 300 again. I was trying it weekly. I would do it every Sunday and I was like, come on, man.

So you failed. At least you still did something.

Well, I did. And then it's funny, right? Because it was one of those, I've failed many times in my life and, but on the back end of that, all the good things I learned off of it, right? So it was one of those, learned a lot of lessons in it. And being in these 50 burpees, I equated a lot with, with a bit of mind work too, which we'll touch on, but it almost turns into kind of an act of meditation because it, it's hard. It, it's, it's challenging to the body, but you kind of lose yourself a little bit in a fairly simple movement, right? Once you get in that pattern, you're doing this movement, you can kind of shut your brain off. Well, shut your brain off a little bit and just kind of get into that little bit of a meditative state, a little bit of a prayer state, a little bit of a just reflection on the day or a reflection on, on the past day or even what you want your day to look like. So it's a really good way to kickstart something without having to you know, be too— get too in your head about it. It's just— and you're working so hard that you can't let yourself— you kind of just let yourself flow and be in it. And before you know it, 50 burpees is over and you're kind of set for the day. So it's a great way, like I say, to move your body. You're building some muscle. It's not like you're pushing a bunch of weight. You don't have to go to the gym. So you're still going to gain a bit of muscle, a bit of lean muscle, but you're going to burn a little bit of fat. You're going to get your heart moving. So you're not going to have a—

Is that the extent of your workout routine? Is— no, just some burpees in the morning?

Not really. I do burpees in the morning. Then I do lift weights just because my days now, they really allow for that. Like I'm, I work from home, right? So it allows me that freedom and I'm very fortunate too. In my basement, I have kind of a, almost a spa. Like I got a sauna and all the weights and all that fun stuff, right? So I'm a lucky cat, right? So again, I don't—

we gotta hang out at your house for a bit.

Yeah, I don't want to say that to people, but at the same time, if you can do these burpees in a day, that's, that's plenty. That's more than, more than most of us do, right? And, um, at least it gets his body— get our body moving.

And yeah, that's where I think, yeah, needs to be said, something is better than nothing. Just kind of how we talked about your failure earlier, at least you did it. It wasn't that fear of failure that held you back, or is that, you know, I didn't get a full workout in, I didn't get to, you know, isolate my biceps and my back and my hamstring. But doing 50 burpees is better than nothing.

And it takes—

awesome. How long does it genuinely take? I mean, I can't imagine that takes more than 5, 10 minutes.

No. And if you want to get after it, right, and then you can challenge yourself. So you get after it, you're at like 3 minutes, or if you want to take it easier, like 7 minutes, or wherever that looks, right? You can fall in that gamut. And you nailed it where, you know, maybe one day I'm feeling really good and just wake up and like, okay, we're gonna get this thing done. Or you wake up and your joints are a little sore, your body's a little sore, and you're just like, hey, well, I got to get it done. But I'm not gonna break any land speed records. And you can do that. And on the other side of that is I really encourage men to have their kids with them. So I have my son with, I have my son with me most times. There's a lot of these guys have their kids with them as well.

Mm-hmm.

My son doesn't always do them with me, but at the same time, he's there watching, counting, and just being part of it so that he can look at, you know, he's looking at his dad every day doing this. Like, okay, my dad's a guy that said he was gonna do something and he did it.

So, and beyond that, I mean, that's— it's bonding time together. It is good quality time together. You'll end up having discussions beyond the workout. It is promoting good health and good exercise and building their muscular structure. Not to, you know, because I'm not big on having kids lift heavy weights, although I think I've read some articles out there that say it's actually not a terrible thing as long as it's like Olympic movements. But there's a lot of benefits out there. Shoot, we were just doing that today. We're down in Oklahoma City. We were out downtown and there was a park down there, so we just started doing some body squats and push-ups and sit-ups, just kind of right there in the park, because why not? I hadn't worked out today and no, I wasn't gonna hurt anything.

Nice cool day. Exactly. It's a great way to do it. And like I say, you nailed it with the kids, right? You're not lifting heavy weights, you're not dangerous bars or nothing. It's all body weight, right? So there's no investment. You can And the beauty of that is you can do it if you're on vacation, you can do it if you're not at home, you can do it anywhere, right? So anytime. Yeah. And there's so much off the back of that. So that's just the physical side of it, right? And then within that challenge, there's a lot of integrity, a lot of, you know, commitment. I made this commitment. I do it in 10-day waves. So you jump on board, you could ride the wave for 10 days, keep it going for another 10, and so on and so on, right? So it works out really well where you make that commitment and then you have a group of men to be accountable to, which we all crave and we all need.

Now you talked about the recovery. You know, your bodies don't recover as well. Have you found a good solution to that?

Well, I'm a, I'm a coffee drinker. I love coffee in the morning. Right. So to get me moving, I have a coffee, but I put collagen in it. So it's like a little collagen is really good for joints and a little bit of protein and stuff. And you put it in your coffee, you don't really, you don't taste it at all. And that's what I use.

Isn't collagen fat?

It is. It's both. I use the bovine one. It's, it's, uh, I'm not exactly sure the science behind it, but it's, it's supposed to be good for recovery and for joints. And like I say, it has a touch of protein in there as well.

Okay.

So yeah, again, it's not magic by any means. I mean, you're still waking up cranky or like creaking and a little bit of things like that. But guys at our age now, you got to start thinking about mobility, right? So get that little bit of a stretch in, get the warmup in, and then not just stretching.

Stretching helps. We're getting old. Stretching helps.

It's massive, right?

And just slow. And I mean, like I said, you know, if you're sore, you're, you know, because some guys that are going to start doing, you know, if they decide to start doing these 50-a-day burpees, uh, they might be sore after the first couple days, and then it's just continue to push through it, but just do it slow. I mean, it, it's— there's no shame in slowing it down and allowing your body to get used to it. It's still better than nothing.

Exactly. And it's slowing down and it's scaling it too, right? Like I say, you can scale it right down to— right down and up. That's all you got to walk your legs out even. You don't have to do all these explosive movements. So there's lots there that—

all right, so let's, let's jump off body because we want to cover the relationship part. So relationships. So we feel like guys, especially in that, that 30s and 40s, been married for a bit, this, this girl that did all these cute things when you first got together, those, those things just they don't seem as cute anymore. And, uh, yeah, and there's maybe some resentment. There's some, like I said, maybe we're just stop talking to each other, stop communicating because we're trying to avoid the fight. Maybe, uh, maybe we're having those fights because we got a little bit of a higher, uh, uh, maybe high-octane temper. Um, so what do you see in there? What, what are the issues? What are the solutions? Uh, what is the wisdom from Joe LaRock?

No, you kind of nailed it, man. It, it really is that after a while there's those resentments, there's those hurts, there's those things that festered that you never talked about, never communicated, and it just keeps festering and festering. It could have been the smallest thing, but you left it for years and now it just, every time you look at this person, it just bring, I don't, you know, you get angry or, uh, there was one study guys did where if they had a bad day at work, they'd walk in and if they're feeling negative, they had seen their wife every time. So every time they opened the door, see their wife, they kind of equated that to some negativity. It's pretty crazy, right? Yeah. It's, it's wild. And I don't know too much about it, but I heard that and I was like, oh wow, that makes a lot of sense. That makes tons of sense. Cause I used to always walk in the door and just be like, oh, my day. And then I'd see my wife and like, oh, what do I gotta do now? Probably gonna get nagged at.

Well, isn't that such a, such a, such a joyful picture to walk into? You know, you haven't seen your spouse all day. They come in the door and the first thing they do is you know, bitch and complain about work.

Exactly right. And then she comes at you and she's, she's in her feminine or trying to be in her feminine. So she's, you know, a mile a minute telling you her day if she's at home, right? Like my wife was at home, so she just wants someone to talk to. So she's kind of hitting you with about a million things at once, and all you want to do is sit down on the couch and try to relax, but it's just nonstop, right?

We put that content out before about how dad walks in the door really changes the vibe. Of the home. So if you can come in, if you can use that travel time or find some way to transition from that work mode to dad mode to husband mode and come in the door with a smile, a little— maybe somehow get your energy up a little bit, be a little bit more excited, a light in your eye, and, you know, pick up the kids, hug them, ask how their day was. Same thing with the wife, give her a kiss, see how everyone's day was, and, and bring some positivity to the conversation. And I feel when a dad walks in and does that, the home environment is much happier. They're more likely to tell you the happy things that happened today versus everyone just complaining. And then, like you said, in the construction world, you're out doing, everyone's complaining. Well, my day was worse. Well, this is how my day was, you know, horrendous. And then it just becomes this huge negativity cycle versus, you know, dad coming in positive. And, uh, you know, everyone tries eventually to, uh, to follow suit. I will say, if you have the household that's negative and you haven't been living this way and then you try that, it's not going to go magically the first day. It's gonna, it's gonna, it's gonna take some effort and it's gonna take you intentionally and very, uh, carefully navigating those waters of, you know, churning your family into a more positive family. But it starts with you. It starts with you leading by example.

You nailed it. You're the leader of that house, right? So the leader of the house walks in mad, negative, the house is going to be mad and negative and My wife used to say that she used to not like me coming home. He's like, well, it was kind of better when, when you weren't, when you were working, when you weren't in the house, because you're not negative. You're not just grouchy, not having that vibe, right? I'm just, this guy's mad at, mad at whatever, right? So you nailed it with the shifting gears.

So now do you have any tips on how to shift gears?

Well, I was gonna say that whole coming home thing. I lived that for, I don't know how long I was doing it. I was, I was after being in construction, being the site super and doing all that stuff and coming back and everything, I actually got an opportunity to go work in the office. So I was a project manager for 3 years. And again, stress, it was project manager for big commercial construction. So the stress level was through the roof and I was always just negative, really had high anxiety, a lot of stress about it, really just not in a good place, but making a lot of, like making really good money. So I was like, oh, I'm doing it for my family. Right. So, I'd come in the door and there was a drive. My commute was very fortunate. I had like a 5-minute commute. But after work I would drive and I would put on the fakest smile that whole drive and talk to myself of like, hey, you're smart enough. You gotta make sure that you go in the house happy. You know what? Like my wife and I had those conversations, right? So I was like, you gotta go in high vibe. You gotta be happy. And I put a smegma or fake smile on my face, listen to some, you know, music, goofy music even, to make myself laugh. I could have had the worst time in the office, but I'd try anything I could do to bring myself up so that I walked in that door exactly like you said. I would be there for my son and then be there for my wife.

So, so you're hyping yourself up basically.

It was the only way I had to change my physi— like I had to change something, right? So I had to change it up cuz if I drove, I've done it before too. It wasn't every day I did that. Like I would drive home kind of mopey and not even, barely remember the drive because I was— my mind was somewhere else. And then get home and then walk in the door and just, yeah, just not be, not be there for anybody.

Well, I think that mindset of, you know, for Dad, it almost helps to treat it like a job. Like, your job now when you walk into this door is to be this happy guy. So like you're a Disney character. Like, this is your job today. So if you have to fake it a little bit, then, you know, kind of fake it for a little bit. And, and it's not fake it forever, it's kind of fake it because this is a huge adjustment for you. Eventually this will become your normal and this will change the culture of the home and even to an extent you as a person.

Exactly. And I wish more people realize that because it lights you up and then it gets you moving. And like you just said, sure, you fake it for a while, but eventually that just becomes who you are. And then, I mean, it lifts you up, it lights up your wife. She's happy. She's happy she married this guy. She feels safe. She's in a good place. So that lights her up. She gets to be in her feminine and just get to do whatever she, like, whatever she's doing, whether that's a business within the home. She, maybe she teaches better and like we homeschool. So maybe she's a better teacher for my son, better mother. Just, she feels good, right? She, if she's cooking supper, whatever that looks like, she's happy because she knows she married this guy. She feels safe. She's in her zone, just loving life. So that she's happy, which is going to be only good things for you. And then, I mean, your kids are going to see this, right? And the kids play off all like mom and dad's energy so much that the kids are going to have no choice but to be happier, to be joyful, at least to be calm, right? They can at least be calm and enjoy themselves.

And so then, so that's when you first come in the door, that's your initial presence. Um, I, so I'm gonna tell you what I think here in a second. I'd like to see what you think because I don't know, because I've seen, um, different people react different ways here. But, uh, there are, there's a segment of people out there that feels like you should always hide, uh, you know, your true feelings and things from your wife because they feel like that's part of masculinity They feel like that's the reason women don't respect men anymore is because they're too open, they're too vulnerable. They, they won't, um, you know, you come to them with all those problems, that's why women are leaving men. And I mean, most divorces, I think something like 70 or 80% of them are initiated by the woman. And it's because all these guys have turned into whiners and complainers, and they come and they bitch to their wives and cry to their wives. Don't do that. Hide it. Suck it up. Absorb it. Um, which I disagree with. I, I do think you should go into the to the home like we just talked about and create a more positive home culture. But I do believe the husband-wife team, you should be able to have those very real conversations about struggles that are happening at work, struggles in your own mind. And you should be able to have a sense of, you know, openness and vulnerability with the person you're going to spend your life with. You know, not necessarily a cry fest, but a genuine partner in the relationship.

No, I, I love—

so I don't know where you stand on that.

No, I love the way you put all that. Exactly right. And you said team, and team is a big one for me. I tell it to everybody cuz we always equate things to sports and different stuff, right? And you gotta be a team. You're a team in that house. And that's what matters is that team and keeping them together, right? For better for your kids, better for the, the marriage, better for everything. But with the vulnerability part, so I'm big on that. I'm really big on that. And we touched a little bit about my drinking on that. Where before I used to kind of, I was never really as open with it, you know, like it wasn't like I hid it. Like, I mean, people could see me and it was pretty obvious what I was doing, but I kind of, I'm past that point in my life. I'm past that phase. And now I use that to help people, right? Like I went to AA, I dealt with a lot of that and now I wear that. I own that. I own that fault. And then I, in turn, I get to help a lot of people with it, right? And we can talk about it more and I'm vulnerable with that and vulnerable with my feelings around it. But when we say vulnerability with your wife, I just talked about this the other day with somebody of you gotta make sure that when you're vulnerable, you, it's not just like puking on them. You're not just emotional vomit, right? It's, and you said it well, like crying. It's not always a cry fest. Sure, you can shed some tears, but when, when you talk about the problems, it's not the, don't bombard your wife with the little mundane things. Like don't hit her with all these little, Little things that kind of chip away at your, you, you kind of said it as well, like your manhood, right? Like don't, don't hit her with like, oh, what's a good example? I, I'd say money, but it's a team, it's a partnership and money's there as well. But just little things that, that problems that you don't have to talk to your wife with. And that's where men's groups come in is we don't have, we don't have those hunting packs anymore. We don't have those, a lot of us anyway, we don't have those elders that we talk to. We don't have other men that we really confide in. So those are, those are problems that I always say to hit with men of, you know, work's not going so well. My boss is being a jerk. What can I do? How can I? Yeah, that'd be a good example. So let's use that. So my boss is being a jerk. You don't wanna talk to your wife about that because now you're looking a bit like less of a man. You're looking like you can't stick up for yourself. You're not gonna— then she starts thinking like, oh wow, this guy's not even gonna— how's he gonna be able to protect me? Like, this is very instinctual thinking, but Like I say, if you, if you found a group of men or an elder that you can talk to another guy about it with, he's probably been there. Maybe he's dealt with it, maybe he's got some ways to help you with that. But then when you go to your wife, you can be vulnerable about, vulnerable about your feelings in the sense of maybe your kids, and you can open up about your kids more and how you wanna, how you wanna be a better father for them and what that looks like and how you can be and really express your feelings about maybe your childhood wasn't the greatest and how you wanna have a better childhood or, Or you want to raise your kid better than, than you had it, right? And you can get vulnerable about some of the situations that you're in and, you know, if you have to shed a tear or two, but it's something, it's, you're, you're being open with your emotions that way. Not in the sense of, um, like I say, a boss is treating you bad or there's, there's a whole gamut of things that could be talked about, but that's kind of a good example.

So it sounds like you're talking like petty complaining.

Exactly. That, that's a good way to put it.

Is the petty, but major issues, big things. Should absolutely be covered is what you sound like you're saying.

Yeah, that's what she's there for. And yeah, just don't hit her with the petty little things and don't just, you know, vomit on her with that, right? So it's a, it's a really good way to do that. And then when there is— when you have that safe container to really open up vulnerably, then you can, and, and, uh, she'll really appreciate that in you.

And then, and then beyond that, it's not— it sounds like you're saying you're not, um, gosh, you're not internalizing that. You're not letting it build up and like a pressure cooker and blow up one day because you're not venting or having that conversation with anybody. It sounds like you're saying just take some of those more petty things that you were— instead of putting them on your wife, because she's got a lot of her own things she's dealing with too— is maybe having that collection of guys or a men's group or something like that to then— that's where you can put those pressures, that's where you can unleave some of the burden on your shoulders. Is that— was that accurate?

Exactly. And when you start talking to more men about those, those issues, those problems that you're coming up against, like I said, most of them have been there, done that. Or there's— all guys like to solve problems, right? So they, they'll try to figure out ways to solve these problems.

So, so the quality of your, uh, of the advice you're getting matters, of the people. Because I know just even in my hometown in Florida, there's a lot of people I know, they're still hanging around their high school friends. And some high school friends are great, others are not so great. They've kind of never evolved. Um, and the, the, the, the kind of advice I've heard has been horrendous from some people. And then, but you know, they're in this vulnerable state of, of, you know, a challenge in their marriage or whatever it is, and then they're going to these people that just really aren't all that smart or, and certainly aren't giving good advice. But then they start giving advice like they are capable, even though these people have either A, not been married, don't have a good marriage themselves, and for some reason feel like they should give, uh, marriage advice, um, or a host of other reasons, uh, but now they're giving advice and that vulnerable person is in such a weird spot in their life that what that person who is not qualified to be giving good advice starts to kind of— I mean, it's almost irrational. It makes sense to them a little bit in that moment, in that high emotion moment. So I don't quite know how, how do you sort, I guess, the people around you? What kind of guys are good guys to to take advice from?

That's a, that's a good question. That's a great question. And I, I talked about that. I think I made a post about that like a couple weeks ago. Make sure you watch who you're getting your advice from, right? Because you nailed it on that. Getting marriage advice from someone that's not married does not— doesn't equate, right? Just doesn't work, right? Um, like I say, I'm very fortunate to be in a part of a couple men's groups that, uh, a lot of older guys in it that have been there, done that. They've actually been— there's a few guys in there working on their second, third marriages So they've, they've done a lot of work and doing a lot of work on themselves, looking back on some of their past mistakes and what they've done and, and how they can start to turn that around. And some younger guys that are coming up and just figuring life out and kind of taking different knocks here and there. But, um, again, it's a lot— a little bit of it is even follow your gut, some of it too, right? Like, you got— you kind of got that initial gut feeling that you know something's innately right or wrong, but I, I do that. And then, like I say, I really rely on my elders. I'm big on— even my cultures rely on elders, right? So I always, I always go back to elders. It doesn't hit it 100%, and that's where I say you got to find your gut a little bit, because just because you're old doesn't mean you're smart.

Um, yeah. And then I just know when you're in those dark spots and in those tough times, it's, it's kind of— your gut almost doesn't always steer you right. I mean, sometimes it does, but I know a lot of guys, it's just when they make their worst decisions, when they're highly emotional in those, in those, you know, tough parts of their lives, as valleys, I guess you would call them. And, uh, I guess one thing to maybe look at is, uh, you know, the quality of the person. What kind of life are they living? You know, like you said, the guy that's been married 3 times, kind of depends. Does he have a good marriage now? Does he talk about his failures, or does he talk about, you know, uh, you know, first you marry for love, then you marry for money, then, you know, then you marry for 20-year-olds. I, you know, it's, uh No, so I guess you kind of have to look at what kind of life they are living, if that's the kind of life you want for yourself. Because, you know, some guys that have been married, like you said, 3 times, some have realized the wrong of their ways that led to the first 2 divorces, and, and they've, they've got a really good relationship now. And some are going to be on their way to their 4th marriage.

Yeah, exactly. And I, again, to follow up on that a little bit too, is I used to always tell people, like, don't— I would never trust a fat personal trainer, right?

For— yeah.

For advice. So that's kind of where I would go to make sure you nailed it, where look at the person that you're getting this advice from. Do you want that life that they're living? And if you do, then, hey, I want some more of that. I want some of that. What are you doing to get that? What are you— what are the steps you're taking to do that?

A great— you know, if you're really into it, a great person would be someone who's been married for a long, long time because they can probably give you some brutal honesty, some brutal truths, um, versus a newlywed, versus someone who's not married. Versus someone who, you know, saw an episode of Dr. Phil, stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night, or just swears they've read all the books and they just know.

Yeah, no, you got to be— you got to dig in those dark places. You got to be in those peaks and valleys. You have to, you know, know communication. You have to live that life, right, and have those battle scars from that marriage, because it's not all rainbows and butterflies no matter what, right? Like, I've— my— I do tons of work on our relationship. It's what we do. It's what my wife and I do. And it's still We still have, we still have issues like everybody else, but now I actually have the tools to work through them and to know how to properly communicate and know, know how to listen, right? Know how to listen to my woman so that she can get her point across and not feel—

I was just about to say, I'm willing to bet most of that tool set is somehow related to communication.

Oh man, I just, I literally talked to, I had a podcast this morning and I talked to someone about that and I was actually working on a course. I'm working on creating a course for men helping their women, like entrepreneur women, right? Like whether they're direct sales or doing a brick-and-mortar business or doing anything, like how can you help your woman be a better entrepreneur? And everything I keep coming back with, it just circles right back to communication, communication, communication. It's all it does.

You figure that out, you figure out life, man. It solves so, so many— not that there won't be issues, it just gets you past them.

Exactly. And knowing how to listen. You have to learn how to listen to your woman because most women, right, they're They're in their feminine. They're, they're just kind of like a hurricane. They're a hurricane of emotions coming at you. So we equate walked in the door, right? So they, you walk in the door and all you want to do is sit on that couch and relax. And she's hitting you with 100 things all at once. Maybe doesn't even finish one thought and hitting you with another thought. And most guys will either get very frustrated. They'll, they'll like having, like you might yell at them, you might whatever, put them down. But if you just, stop and just really listen. You don't have to do anything. You don't fix that problem. Like I said, you're talking to a professional problem solver. Don't try to solve that problem. She doesn't necessarily need you or want you to solve that problem. She just needs someone to listen to that and feel it, right? And be in those emotions. And man, the communication in that is tenfold, and the payoff for it is— there's— it's incredible.

Yeah. All right, so we are running short on time here now, up on our 45-minute mark. Uh, We could talk about this for hours, but we're not going to. So if you could wrap it up, tell people where to find you, what you do to help, uh, you know, our audience is men, so we're dads, uh, some married, some not married. So, uh, what you do, where they can find you, and, uh, any, anything you want to say during a wrap-up.

Well, that's— well, thanks, man. Well, first, thanks for the great conversation. This was awesome. Uh, for myself, you can find me in my my wife, we're at The Revive Couple, at The Revive Couple on Instagram. We're there quite a bit, or our website at The Revive Couple. Like I say, there's stuff for women, there's stuff for couples, there's stuff for guys. So you can kind of touch base on everything. And then on Instagram right now, I'm running that burpee challenge. So it's 10-day waves. You can hop in at any time, do 10 days, do 20, do 30, do whatever you want. So that one's at Dads doing burpees. But again, you can find that at the Revive Couple. So it's fun, guys, come, come for a challenge. I always joke with people, 50s, every time you, it's like every time you're sitting around with guys, like, oh, I have 50 burpees, I can do that with my eyes closed. And then you start talking day 2, day 3, and they're like, yeah, this is, this is, I don't know what I signed up for. But at the same, I don't wanna scare anyone away. Like I say, you can do 'em anytime. You can spread it out through the day. You can scale 'em. It's a heck of a thing. But Again, there's so much with it. It's not just burpees, it's not just physical. There's so much mental behind it, so much accountability and just respecting yourself. It, it's, there's so much to it. But yeah, no, aside from that, I just, I really want to, the big thing with you even is just, I really appreciate the work you're doing with men and, and for making us better fathers. Cuz that's, that's all I wanna do. And that's why we, that's why we chose relationships, right? Because we can help our, help help relationships, which will help kids. And the kids are going to be the next generation that's just going to explode and be stronger, be better. And yeah, it'll make the world a better place.

I was just about to wrap up with that. You, you get dads involved, uh, you get dads working on themselves, and that itself is going to, uh, make the world a better place. You just took the words out of my mouth.

Awesome.

I appre— I appreciate you coming on. Thank you so much and have a wonderful day.

Thank you.

This is a 100 Dad production. You must visit our website at 100dad.com, 100dad.com. Find us on TikTok and Instagram at 100 Dad, @100dad. And as always, email Townsend at 100dad.com. Now hit that subscribe button.