S3 E11 QBQ Best Selling Author John G Miller on Personal Accountability for Dads and Kids

Season 3, Episode 11. We've got John Miller, bestselling author. This guy sold over 300,000 copies as a self-published author. Then he got picked up by a major publisher and has sold over a million copies since. This guy knows what he's doing when it comes to personal accountability. The book, you ask? Q.B.Q., The Question Behind the Question. And with no further ado, the most handsome host, Townsend Russell. This is the 100% Dad podcast. Today we've got John Miller. John's got 7 kids, if I read that right.

Just 7, that's correct.

Only 7, uh, coming to us from Denver, Colorado. Does that mean you're Catholic?

No, why do you—

okay, you have 7 kids and I just assume you're either Catholic or Mormon if you have that many kids.

Just Christian.

Got it. So in a study that I just invented in my head, I figure it takes about 30 seconds to make a breakthrough to your podcast audience on if they want to listen to the rest of this or not. So given that I've already used about 20 seconds of that, how about you take the rest of it and tell a prospective dad that's listening why it is worth staying along and hearing what John Miller has to say?

Well, primarily because it's so fundamental that we sometimes ignore those basic truths that make us succeed because we're always looking for the complicated. And if you stick around, you're going to hear nothing but fundamental truths, which of course is redundant because all truth is fundamental. But these are the things that we sometimes skip in life and move right beyond because we think they're too basic for us, like being personally accountable.

Nice. Yeah, you made me think on that one. Oh, getting philosophical.

It's good to think. It's like my 4-year-old granddaughter yesterday said, I keep telling my brain, but it keeps thinking differently.

How many grandkids do you have?

Just 13 with one on the way due in August.

Okay, so I oddly am looking forward to being a grandparent in a weird way. I'm far, far from it. I've got 3 boys, 11, 8, and 5, so I've got plenty of time, but but like, I'm almost looking forward to that phase because I'm having so much fun with my boys now, like, and I almost can't wait to, I don't know, magnify that fun and then be able to return them to their parents. What's being a grandparent like? Like, is it that fun?

Uh, no. And of course I'm teasing, but you know, I'm, I'm 64. That makes me a boomer. My wife is 61, so she's a boomer. Boomers and millennial parents today definitely don't parent the same way. So millennial parents, Gen X parents, and of course Gen Z parents, they have a different view of parenting than we boomers. And so sometimes it's a little frustrating because we want to speak up, and sometimes we do speak up, Townsend Russell, but Most of the time we just let things pass, and they're all good parents, but parenting has changed. And the problem with pendulums is they always swing, and they always swing too far. So hopefully it comes back to a little bit more what we call boomer parenting.

Okay, so is that something that you're just seeing on the outside, or you're having experiences yourself where you kind of want to speak up a little bit more, maybe dictate some things, but no, It probably wouldn't go well.

Let's put it this way. We have 4 millennials who are parents now. And one of them is really receptive to coaching. And another one is mildly receptive to coaching. One of them gets really defensive if we share, you know, that kind of thing. So they're human too. The bottom line here is we have 14 grandkids, almost 13 right now. And it is a lot of fun, of course. But we're not the classic grandparents who bring the kids in, spoil them for 3 hours, and send them on their way full of sugar. If anything, we are the ones taking the sugar away.

So, so that's— we're tangential now, but that's a real thing with us is we don't do sugar very often. We do it a little bit, but one of our, one of our children is really— there's just a big tangible difference in his behavior sugar versus no sugar. Like, it is night and day difference. And so we've had, we've had to have serious talks with the grandparents because they are the ones to sugar them up of like, listen, if you do this, if you continue to do this, you're going to see them less. Like, that's just like, you, you're riling them up and then we're having to deal with those consequences afterwards. And it's just, it's not okay. We also had to have, we, we also had to have the discussion, which became a very real discussion of, um We had one grandparent say, "Hey, I'm gonna do this for you. Don't tell your mom and dad." And so we had to get like really clear about that 'cause our kids are very, we communicate well as a family. So they did tell us. I mean, they told us that that happened. But we had to get very clear about that of like, that's a boundary that really shouldn't be crossed because like you're getting into dangerous territory of, hey, withhold something from your parents. And that's where you get into some like genuinely dangerous situations of someone that's trusted in the family telling you to withhold information from mom and dad. It's just, it's not safe at a very real level.

Families, relationships, they're all based on trust and you need that openness and that honest communication. So good stuff. Good stuff.

Yeah. So, so I like to get into history. I think, I think for fathers knowing where they came from, kind of knowing their culture a little bit. What their version of normal was and really examining their relationship with their father and maybe even their father's father. So what was life like growing up for you? What was home like? What was your relationship with your dad?

Sure. Let me give you the elevator speech here. I am a salesperson. I'm an author and a speaker. I was born in Ithaca, New York, in 1958. My wife was born 5 miles away and we started dating when she was 16. Too young, too young. And I was 18. We got married when I was 22 and she was just, just shy of 20. And we've been married 42 years. And the reason I mentioned all that is obviously a strong, healthy marriage, you know, helps raise children. But also marriages that, um, where people are honest with each other and, and honest with the kids that we're not perfect, that's good stuff too. And with my father Probably it was a challenge for that honesty to come from him because he did struggle with addiction. He was a pastor. So I grew up watching, you know, a pastor struggle with addiction. He was also Cornell University wrestling coach. So I grew up in a very interesting home. Every day I'd get out of bed, Townsend Russell Russell wondering, you know, pastor or wrestling coach, which one will he be today? My father was really the golden child of his family. He had two siblings. He was always the perfect one. Of course, he wasn't perfect because nobody is. So when he passed away at age 80 in 2002, certainly there were things that, you know, I wish I had said. And that happens with every parent-child relationship when a child loses a parent. And my mom— I know this is a focus on dads, but this is an important point— my mom passed away when I was just shy of my 17th birthday, when she was 51 years old, of a cerebral hemorrhage and aneurysm. She'd got a headache at 3 PM, was gone by 5. I was 16. It was 1975. So then my dad, of course, was my only parent. But by then, by age 16, you're shaped. You've been raised. And as I moved through life, my father was very proud of me. But he also came out of that generation where it was okay to shame children. And so now I became the golden boy of our family. I have 3 siblings. And my two brothers were probably highly shamed because they weren't like Johnny, me. I was always called Johnny at home. So parents today, especially you dads, got to be very careful to make sure kids know that they can do a bad thing. They might do a bad thing, but they are never bad. Guilt is good, Townsend Russell, and shame is bad. And my father came out of that generation where his dad was born in 1890. And kids were basically to be seen and not heard. And that's how my father was raised.

And so that's a big jump in years.

What's that?

Going all the way back to 1890. Yep. So there must, there must have been like, I guess it's maybe, is it a trend in your family to have kids later in life?

No, no. My, well, my, I was the youngest of 4, so I was about, my dad was about 37 when he had me.

Okay.

Yeah. But my grandpa was born in 1890. Here's kind of the point of all this. Parenting has changed, but it's not always for the good. See, just to pick up on that quick theme, in 1890 children were to be seen and not heard. But now too often children are allowed to interrupt, every feeling matters, they're the boss of the home. Somewhere there's a middle ground there where certainly we let children share their feelings and participate in decision-making when they're old enough. But they have to remember they are not in charge. Mom and Dad are the boss. And my dad was— had a tendency to shame his children. And Karen and I have worked very hard to make sure that we don't do that.

Now, when you say shame, or shame, can you elaborate on it? Because you made a good point of maybe differentiating between shame and guilt. Could you maybe expand on that?

Shame is basically when I say anything like, Townsend Russell, how could you be so foolish? Why would you do that? And I'm talking to a 5-year-old. Of course, I shouldn't call anybody foolish in the family, but when you ask a young child, why did you do that? Why did you hit your brother? They don't know why. And so they internalize that as shame. I'm a bad person. No, you're not a bad person. You did do a bad thing when you hit your brother. Don't hit your brother again. But the shame thing is all about, again, I am a lousy, bad human being, as opposed to I have to have a healthy self-image and love myself, but I did do a bad thing, so now I feel guilty about it. And guilt motivates us to change, to apologize, to, to make amends, to reconcile. So Dad, you're very powerful in your home. Make sure when you talk to your kids, you're not shaming them but you are teaching them what is right and what is wrong.

So kind of, it sounds like you're saying make it more about the action, not about the person.

Always make it about the behavior and the action, not the, the, the being, the person that exists in front of you. My brothers did not, by society standards, succeed. I won't go into great detail. They're both older than I am. For some reason, I was that golden child, and I would do all the the right things. And I never got— well, I got into trouble because I had a big mouth. That's why I'm a speaker, trainer, and podcast, uh, interview guest, right? But, but I never did those classic bad things, you know, drugs or smoking, drinking, all those things. Uh, my brothers were shamed by my dad. Why can't you be more like Johnny? So dads, make sure you're never ever comparing your children to each other.

Yeah, and that's an interesting dynamic. You said you were the youngest, right?

Yeah.

Typically, that's reserved for the oldest child, that, that kind of pressure and that kind of accountability or expectation.

Forgive me, I haven't mentioned the oldest in our family was a girl, so my sister.

Okay.

And believe me, my sister was perfect.

Of course.

Grade A student, star gymnast, all the things, you know, she was perfect. And then there were the 3 boys. Below her, and I was the youngest of the 3 boys. But anyway, I think one of the most powerful lessons here— you asked me how my relationship went with my dad. It was very good, but he had, he had an anger that was buried beneath him that would come out now and then. And he was shaming, as I mentioned, and he didn't know what not to say. Like, my older brother, who's extremely smart, probably genius level, has 3 college degrees, but is, you know, basically he's not homeless, but he could be close to that possibly soon if he's not— if he's one step away from one more mistake. But one day my dad in the '60s— or my brother said, I want to be a meteorologist. And my dad made that big mistake of saying, oh, that's not a real profession. I don't know why, but that's what my brother, who's now almost 70, remembers our dad telling him. That's not a real profession. So I brought her on a different path. So your words are everything. They are so powerful. But that does not mean you let the child be in charge.

No, absolutely. So, so you didn't grow up in a home that kind of had these lessons that you're, that you're out there teaching of personal accountability? Well, I guess to an extent, because a wrestling coach— I wrestled, I wrestled in college, and my father, yeah, my father was a wrestling coach as well. Um, at the high school level. So my high school wrestling coach moved my sophomore year, and so my dad stepped in.

He—

I don't think he was— he had, he had coached maybe 1 or 2 years before. But, um, anyway, I always liked wrestling from the fact that there was no— there was nobody to blame. Like, you couldn't— like team sports, there's always somebody else you can put the blame on, but wrestling, on the mat, it's you. Like, there's— you can blame circumstances a little bit maybe, or maybe your coaching, but In the end, it was you versus the other guy, and better man wins, um, or the guy who practiced harder.

Yeah, wrestling's a character-building sport. You're right, you can't blame the team. I mean, the QBQ book, which, uh, really started our conversation here— I mean, you know, that's basically— this is my first book, QBQ. It's all about personal accountability. Uh, Brad Stevens— oh, thank you! Wow! Hey, where'd you get those? Oh, I sent them to you.

Thank you for those, by the way.

Brad Stevens, the basketball coach of the Celtics who was with Butler University, uses the QBQ book to help his players not blame each other. Like, they come off during a timeout, don't blame each other, always ask, what could I have done differently? How can I be my best? Okay, the reason I mentioned that is in wrestling, you can win that night and your team can lose, and you're still happy because you You won your match, but when you're out there, you're all alone. So, it builds character and it does teach personal responsibility for sure. My dad in chapter 16 of the QBQ book, he's in there. In fact, my dad has made it into every book that I've ever written. There's always a story. Let me tell you why. He was a storyteller. He taught through stories. He was always teaching as a pastor, as a wrestling coach, and he taught the concept of being good enough to beat the ref. All great athletes say, "I own it." They never blame the official for their loss. Chapter 16 of QBQ, if anybody happens to pick that book up. But that led to writing Raising Accountable Kids because people were saying, "Okay, I can practice this accountability stuff, this QBQ in my home and work, but how do I apply it to parenting?" And Townsend Russell, that's where the Raising Accountable Kids book came from.

Yeah, they'll jump into that. First, I wanted to get to— so that was kind of your background. There was some accountability, but not the way that you teach it in a sense. So, do you still find yourself kind of reverting back to those kind of like, do you have the negative thoughts? Do you have the blaming thoughts today that like your family has to hold you maybe even accountable to or call you a hypocrite or any of those stories? Or have you been just doing it for so long that it's just second nature?

Wait a minute. First of all, I got to go back to one quick story about my dad. This is what dads can teach. In 1974, at age 16, I decided not to wrestle that year. Now, you have to understand, in Ithaca, New York, Jimmy Miller was famous. He'd been in wrestling for years at Cornell, and he had raised— he had coached my high school coach. But the point is, I was wrestling probably more for my dad than for myself. My junior year, I decided to not wrestle. Oh my gosh, it was like heresy! The whole family exploded. I mean, my father sent some of his own wrestlers down to talk me into wrestling that year. Okay, fine, I finally made my own decision. I'm not gonna wrestle. And we had a big argument one evening, and And I ran down to my bedroom. My dad later came down and he said, okay, you're not going to wrestle, then you need to go tell Coach Turco, my high school coach, face to face that you're not wrestling. Can you imagine that principle being applied today to the Gen Zers who work at Dairy Queen for 3 weeks and don't like it, and then they quit and they just don't show up? I was taught kind of a man-to-man thing, if you want to be a little bit sexist. I was taught by my dad, you go down to that high school and you tell Coach Turco to his face that you're not going to wrestle this year. So there is a wonderful lesson that my dad taught me.

Yeah, sure. A core value of, uh, what I wouldn't— geez, what would you call that?

Keeping your word, open communication, you know, your commitment, keeping your commitments. Yeah, all those things, all those things. What was the rest of your question?

Um, so do you find yourself internally still like, is this something where you are blame— you still kind of blame others in your head, but you have to kind of remember what you teach and correct yourself? Or is it something that's just hard ingrained in you now?

Well, here's the humor. When you write a book called QBQ and your kids are all raised on it, it's all about personal accountability and not asking whiny, lousy, blaming questions, you know, like, why is this happening to me? When are they going to treat me better? What Why aren't people friendlier? Why are they doing that? When is someone going to get back to me? I start asking those lousy questions. Sometimes my kids, who are all grown now, will say, Dad, isn't there a QBQ here for you? So the kids are so quick to use my own book against me, but it's all in good fun. I don't have a lot of blaming thoughts, but even at 64, I probably have some shaming thoughts. I have to just always make sure that I'm still growing up. I'm still becoming emotionally mature. I'm still becoming responsible in my thoughts, my feelings, my actions. Here's the reason. That parenting piece shapes us forever, Townsend Russell Russell. That's why it's so important for dads to understand their power in the family. How strong, how meaningful their words are. What they say now when the kid is 6, they could still be processing that at 36. So I don't have a lot of blaming thoughts only because I've learned to practice my own stuff. That sounds braggadocious, but you know, I should practice it. I teach it. But I probably have to always make sure that I'm not having a shameful thought that I'm a bad person or something like that because of the way I was raised, my brothers were raised, et cetera. That parenting piece does really last forever. So we're always growing up. That's the key. I tell my audiences, hey, I'm 64. I'm almost grown up.

So, you know, you kind of mentioned the fact that you wrote it down so that your family is holding you accountable to that even when you're showing moments of hypocrisy.

So that's, that's why we have kids, of course.

So that's something that, uh, so I've, I've written a book I haven't published yet, uh, we're going through the editing stages, but that's kind of one of the core themes through it is write this stuff down of Knowing where your values are, knowing where you stand, and having these things actually written and tangible so that, A, you can hold yourself accountable. Mom and dad are working towards the same goals. They're on the same page, and kids in the family kind of know what the expectations are, what the rules are, and what this family stands for. That way we can all hold each other accountable. And I think just any father doesn't have to be a bestselling author writing QBQ. But should have some, have some things written about him that are important to him. What is what it means, you know, to be a member of that family, what the values are, the morals, the ethics, and maybe even some house rules, because it creates such clarity and can alleviate so many issues.

I remember back in 2010, one of our kids, it was her birthday. She was in her 20s. It was some chaos going on around here. We were renovating the house. And I remember we had some guests, some other college kids came over, friend of her siblings. And when she didn't acknowledge them or treat them as I thought she should because it was her birthday and it was being ruined, she was like in her teens actually. I remember having a confrontation about that is not how we treat guests in this home. That's just a principle. And that's something that we repeat over and over. It's not something you make excuses for. Well, my daughter's had a bad day. Oh, my daughter's tired. Well, you have to understand, it's her birth— no, no. We treat guests with respect and kindness in this home. So that's, that's just a principle in the RAK book. I call it the RAK book, Raising Accountable Kids, R-A-K. Uh, we actually have a chapter on great parents. Accountable parents actually do teach daily their values. That's part of parenting is transferring their values. So if you would not watch an R-rated movie and your kid says, hey, I want to go to the movies with Monica, okay, what's the movie? Oh, R-rated? No, you're not going, and here's why. I mean, depending on the age of the child, if they're 25, you can't stop it, okay? Yeah, but you're always teaching your values. We are Christians here, so we're often conveying hopefully our Christian faith. And then, you know, in this family, the whole kind of the humor is based on, I know, I know, Dad, I'm whining. QBQ. I know, Dad. QBQ. I mean, I get that from them as well.

Well, you know, I like that you bring up the repetition because repetition is such a key part. And in the business world, we hear that of like if you're an employer with employees, like you really have to say something. I think I read a book once. It was like 22 times before it's heard for the first time. And so that repetition aspect is really key of just because, you know, you said it once doesn't mean it was actually heard once.

That's a little bit tied to the shame piece. His parents, you know, who told their, you know, 4-year-old, don't do this, and the next day he does that. Didn't I tell you not to do that? Well, then the child internalizes that he's, he's dumb, or he's, he's foolish, or he doesn't, he doesn't think like that at 4. But we have to be careful to not shame, but, but remember that we're building. See, parenting is all about building. So whether they're 4 or 14, we're building. But at some point then, when they get to a certain age, we're not building anymore. We are relating. We put that in the book as well. Parenting never ends, but it changes. But, but do remember, do we— thank you— do remember, if you're raising young children, repetition. Like Townsend Russell, you just said, we must surely repeat the same things over and over. In fact, I've asked on Facebook, and if anybody wants to join our QBQ group, just type in QBQ group into your Facebook search bar. But I've asked on Facebook, you know, questions about parenting. And what often comes back is people will say, "Oh, if I heard my mom or dad say this once, I heard them say it 1,000 times. Hahaha. Good for them." Absolutely.

Consistency is nice. So I recently did a post about how dad walks in the door can change the vibe of the whole family. You know, if a dad walks in and he's happy and he's excited, he has a gleam in his eye and Hey, how was your day? And you're actually listening and intent and excited to see your family. It can really change the vibe of the home versus if he comes in grumpy and irritated and needs to just stare at his phone for 20 minutes. It creates a different atmosphere. And a few of the things I got from messages from it and comments were, you know, Townsend, how do I do this when I'm coming home to a wife that is so negative and so miserable? And she like, she just makes everything hard on me. She's blame me, like she sucks the happiness out of me. And I think this is a great parallel to the QBQ. So speak to those dads that are struggling with, you know, having to make that huge shift in their home of the mom and dad, I guess, relationship.

I'll tell you a marital story. I was speaking on QBQ right here in Denver at a school district. Most of our work is corporate, but sometimes a school district finds us and wants us to come in and teach to the adults. I don't teach kids anymore, too much gray hair. But I taught a group of adults about QBQ and personal accountability and all that. Woman comes up to me afterwards in her late 20s. She said, you know, about 3 months ago our marriage almost ended, but it's better now. I said, oh, well, that's wonderful. What happened? She said, well, my trainer gave me 2 books, Love and Logic, a parenting book, Love and Logic, and he gave her QBQ. Well, she read the book QBQ at lunch. I mean, you can literally read it in 60 to 90 minutes. So she read most of it at lunchtime. Well, that was the very day, Townsend Russell Russell, that she had left boxes of her stuff on the front porch before she went to work because she was leaving her husband. And she read QBQ and she realized she was making one major mistake in the relationship. If only he would change. Dave Ramsey, the radio guy, has had me on a few times. He always closes with this question: What's the number one takeaway, John? From the QBQ material you teach, you know, blah, blah, blah. And I always say same, same thing. Well, Dave, people walk away saying, oh, it's true, I can only change myself. So that young wife went home. I don't know what she said, but the tenor, the tone changed. Everything changed because she, she, if she got the message from QBQ, she went home and basically said, how can I improve as a spouse? And I'm sorry, I've been trying to fix you. And trust me, husbands do that all the time. I actually remember a moment in our marriage after 11 years, where my wife came in from a walk on a cold Minnesota night when we lived up there, and she was happy and perky and bright and smiling and cheerful. And I made that terrible mistake of saying something like, "Why can't you be like this all the time?" So all the husbands out there right now are like, "Oh, you didn't!" But the point of these two stories is, if you read the QBQ material, whether it's the parenting book or the original book, it brings home this message that we already knew: I can only fix me. So those husbands who walk in at night, they're in a good mood and the wife isn't, then don't try to fix her. Just say, what can I do to help? How can I serve? What can I do right now to take the load off your shoulders? You know, go Go take a bath, honey. I'll take care of the kids. I mean, we've heard all these things, but our emotional needs are strong. And we come home from a day of work and we want our wife to listen to us or praise us or talk about how amazing we are. And maybe if she's a stay-at-home mom, you know, she can't do that. Now, conversely, maybe you're a stay-at-home dad and the wife is coming home from a successful business day. It doesn't change anything. Hopefully, she'll say, hey, how can I help? Anyway, QBQ is all about not changing someone else, but working on me.

Well said. So I read your book a long time ago and I almost forgot about it until recently. We kind of reconnected. Well, you're sorry. I forgot the brand and the person, but I did not forget the lessons because one of those core things that has helped me and I very much believe was shaped by this book because I read it early in my life. I think my grandfather gave it to me because believe it or not, he was— he's over at Butler. Uh, which is funny you made that connection earlier. He's an executive in residence there, and he has worked with some of the basketball players and the coach before.

Uh, that could be the connection because Butler was using—

yeah, he was a Cummins Diesel executive for like 400 years, uh, over up in, uh, Indiana.

400 years, so he's older than I am.

Yeah, he's, he, he's a great guy, but he would always send me those, these books. Like, I'm sure QBQ was one of them, um, like What Color Is Your Parachute, Who Moved My Cheese, those kind of things. A lot of, uh A lot of good classic books, um, but QBQ, I think, was really one of the foundations in, uh, my business because, you know, I started off when I was 24, but one thing I always made sure was that my customers knew that the buck stopped with Townsend Russell Russell. Yeah, so if there was ever a problem, like, I never blamed an employee, I never blamed the customer. No matter whose fault it was, I was willing to shoulder that blame and shoulder that responsibility, and that's translated to being a father as well, but the, the, and a husband. But the key was it never, it never crushed me. And I couldn't, I was thinking about that this morning of like, is that just an inherent personality trait? Is that just like how I'm wired that it won't crush me? And I feel like throughout this conversation, it's, it's kind of going back to, I think we said earlier, it's kind of that, you know, we're not the landing pad, like we're not just taking the beating, but we're taking that responsibility so we can create some sort of action out of it. You know, I wouldn't, I wouldn't just let my, my customers' employees kind of beat on me and take the responsibility that way and take the emotional beating to where it crushes me. But I would then lead that to action of, hey, we need to institute better training. I need to be, you know, maybe hiring better, maybe firing sooner, or, you know, I haven't done a good job, you know, teaching this technique or making sure that this is getting done on the routes, whatever it was. But it led to some sort of action. So I wonder if you could speak into that of how do we How do we take that blame? How do we shoulder that responsibility and not let that, you know, sure, I guess, just overwhelm us?

There's a, there's a movement today and there's some authors who have made their careers based on the concept of vulnerability. And the reason I chuckle about that is sometimes, well, any strength taken to an extreme becomes a weakness. And I will say that again, any strength taken to an extreme will become a weakness. So, you know, if you're a manager, leader and you're into vulnerability, I've been teaching the concept as humility for for decades. And we say in my books, humility is the cornerstone of leadership. I'll say that again. Humility is the cornerstone of leadership. Well, vulnerability, humility, whatever. It's being able to admit when I made a mistake, say to your people, I don't know. But a lot of managers are confused anyway as managers. They think it's their job to solve all the problems. They think it's their job to motivate their people. See, I've had some real good fortune in my life. Not only did my dad teach me some good things like beat the ref, But then I got into the training business after 5 years in the corporate world. I got hired by a couple gentlemen who became mentors for me and they happen to take me on this accountability path. And so, when I was out selling training in Minneapolis-St. Paul, management training for a decade, I saw a lot of other salespeople in our company around the country come and go because, well, they don't have 4-color brochures and there's not enough leads and corporate doesn't support me. Me and the customer doesn't call me back. But I was able to say, well, what can I do today to move forward in my sales? And oh, I, I blew that sale. It's my mistake. What did I learn? What have I learned from that action? So that concept I just gave you is, is a concept of humility. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. How can I learn? Well, a dad can say that. A manager can say that. A friend can say that. Any one of us can demonstrate humility and vulnerability. And that's important because we don't want to take blame on as a shameful way. Oh, I'm a lousy person. But we do want to say, okay, my team is not performing at work. It's my mess. My relationships aren't what I think they should be. It's my problem. My kids are acting out. It's my fault. What, John? What did you just say? Oh, that challenges me too much. Okay, I just set myself up to tell you the number one principle in our parenting book is this, and I know 1 out of 10 of your viewers will disagree with it, which I think makes it valuable. Here it is: my child is a product of my parenting, period.

It is not 100%.

It's not Will Smith and Chris Rock. It's not Hollywood. It's not Joe Biden or Donald Trump. It's not the church. It's not the Boy Scout leaders. It's not public ad. And guess what, parents? It's not even the friends your kid hangs out with. Stop blaming the friends. Always ask, what can I do to learn new skills as a parent? So it's not about blaming me. It's about progressing. See, winners stumble and fall forward. Winners are always falling forward. So, okay, I made a mistake with my child. What can I do to learn from it and be better next time? But in the end, I need to be able to buy that fact. My child is a product of my parenting. See, some people want to say, oh no, no, it's nature, not nurture. Well, if we blame nature for how our kid is behaving, where's the accountability for John the father or Karen the mother? Forget about nature, forget about Grandpa Joe. You know, Uncle Joe. Just focus on what can I as a dad be, do to be better today than I was yesterday. That's the accountability piece.

Yeah, that continual improvement's big. So we take a twofold approach to that of, yes, parents are very much responsible. We need to be improving in that. We have a massive impact. But then we're talking to another segment of the audience that has had kids those kids have not turned out well, and they're really beating themselves up on that right now. And I've, and I've taken the control of almost the same principle of, hey, you can only do what you can do right now going forward. We really can't change much about the past.

No, nothing. In fact, we even put in the Raising Accountable Kids book, uh, no regrets. You can't change what you didn't do when your child was 10, or you can't change what you said to your child when they were 12. Now you can come back and apologize if you have a memory of treating your child poorly, but it's always a learning process. And remember, any strength taken to an extreme becomes a weakness. So Karen and I feel we did a pretty, pretty good job parenting, raising our kids. But you know, this child over here still has an issue, and this child over here might still have a problem even though they're adults. We can't own that now. We can't own it because they're, they're adults making choices. They're adults choosing their own actions. All we can do, because parenting changes, it goes from building to relating, is ask our son or our daughter, our daughters, what can I do to support you? How can I help? Can't fix it, but we can serve and support. That does not mean becoming codependent and enabling people and getting in their face and being too controlling. And we all know there are those adult parents. In fact, one of the most important pieces in the Raising Accountable Kids book is this chapter, No Enabling Allowed. We have friends our generation who are still paying for their child's rent and they're paying for this and that. They're covering her insurance. She's 30! And it's not like she has a disability or anything like that. They are just enabling her. Don't do that.

Yeah, there's— it's almost a testament when your kid can move out at 18 and be able to live independently and take care of themselves. It's almost a, a badge of honor, a badge of pride that you raise an adult that can be fully functional and competent in the world.

It's funny you say that because we have 7 kids ages 39, 24. They're all gone. And we say Good for us.

So that enforcing that personal accountability, I assume there's a very fine line between saying, you know, you have to teach not to blame others. So how do you teach that without blaming the people that aren't doing that? So it's almost like the ability to teach personal accountability and not do that blame culture. But then I feel like a lot of people are just going to instinctively blame people for not being the type of person that doesn't blame people, if that makes sense. Did I confuse the words there too much?

Oh, Townsend, you're great. Let me, let me answer that with what first comes to my mind. Again, any strength taken to an extreme becomes a weakness. We want to be accountable. So let's go, let's go to the workplace for a minute, because that's, that's very easy to do too. When will that department do its job right? Well, that's one question, a lousy question we hear inside organizations, instead of asking, well, what can I do to be my best today? But if that department over there hasn't done their job correctly and it's hurting your ability to do your job correctly, that means as an adult, adult, we might have to go down the hall and talk to somebody instead of standing at the water cooler whispering about them, whining, complaining behind their back. So when it comes to accountability, accountability encompasses everything I do or don't do. I need to ask, what can I do to be my best today? But if somebody else is actually engaging in a behavior that's harming in some way my life, my world, hurting me, it's accountable to go speak to them. Not go talk about them somewhere else, but go speak to them face to face. So we have to remember that accountability just applies everywhere and in every area of my life, home or at work. What can I do to be more forthright? How can I be more loving and kind? What can I do to be a more effective communicator? How can I be a better listener to other people? The QBQ really helps me be better in all ways.

Townsend Russell Russell, it seems to me that that kind of accountability— well, I found it very tremendously beneficial to my business because I was in a service business to where, uh, you know, I, I primarily dealt with human resources executives. So, you know, that was just our business. We did vending machines, we had a coffee service, we did like we were in that service industry. So the less they had to hear from their employees about vending machines not working or breaking or stealing their money or the coffee being out of stock or whatever it is, the easier it made their life. So they enjoyed someone who could just, um, A, fix those things and not have them repeat, and B, that would just pick up the phone and not blame everyone for drinking too much coffee or not blame people for shaking the machines or treating them badly or things like that, but to actually sit there and say Don't worry about it, I'll get it, it's going to be fixed. Um, and that— so that was actually very tremendous, beneficially to my business and helped us grow. Um, but you can see in a world where maybe that's not always the case, that it's almost this philosophy is not necessarily an indicator of this will help you become more successful in business, but more that it almost makes you happier and more content and you live a better life.

Um, yep.

Would you agree with that, or would you Completely disagree.

By the way, I'm in sales, so I'm gonna— you want to be outstanding? Okay, you want to be outstanding? There you go. Be accountable. See, look at our culture right now. We could talk for hours about today's culture. Entitlement. My feelings are hurt. Words offend me. It's their fault. Can you imagine actually coming along as an employee or as a dad and saying, well, What can I do to contribute? How can I be my best today? What can I do to change me? How can I demonstrate work ethic to those around me? You are suddenly standing out, Townsend Russell, which makes you outstanding. Personal accountability. It applies in every area of my life, and I can't say that enough. That's why this message went from the workplace when I was teaching it at State Farm and Merck Pharmaceutical and General Motors to the parenting world. Because people were trying to take QBQ home and they were using it at home. Trying is not the right word, they were using it at home, but they actually wanted some of those parenting examples. So, uh, like today the pendulum has swung towards peaceful parenting where we never yell at our children. I'm sorry, good parents once in a while do raise their voice. The child needs to hear that the parent is serious. Your toddler is running towards the highway, you don't do peaceful parenting. Okay, that's just, that's just a metaphor. Now, I'm not advocating yelling at your kids and shaming them, but do bear in mind that good parenting is strong parenting. One of the themes in the Raising Accountable Kids book is strong parenting versus weak parenting— weak parenting. And every person who reads this book has to decide, am I going to be a weak parent where the child's in charge, or a strong, accountable parent? And And that entails everything we've talked about, everything from being humble and sometimes saying I'm sorry, to also being firm and loving and teaching our values and setting consequences when the kids make poor choices and sticking to those consequences. Oh, what a novel idea.

And you said it earlier, something along the lines of, you know, an exaggerated strength becomes a weakness. So I mean, it's kind of that, yes, you can be strong, you can be firm, you can be disciplined, you can be you know, that at home to your kids. And on the other side, we're also an immense amount of love and, you know, acceptance and communication and, you know, that good home culture. It's, it's both. It's not an extreme on one side or the other.

That's right. Absolutely.

So blaming seems to work, and this is what we're going to wrap up with. It seems to work at the macro level. I mean, it's like, it's actually effective. In the sense of if you look at one of the two big primary influences in our country, politics and celebrities, all you see there is blaming and it works. It gets people elected. It gets people riled up, maybe not in a good way, but it has become effective. So why is it so effective? Why are people so gravitated towards it both as using it and, you know, listening to it and accepting it and jumping all on board? And then how do we defeat that?

Uh, you're right, you're right. We do have a culture of blame, and our POTUSes demonstrate that. Our celebrities demonstrate that. I always like to bring it down to the individual. Let's go back to the workplace quickly. I've talked to a Dairy Queen manager recently, and this new generation of workers, these teenagers, oh, they don't want to work longer than 3 hours because it will interfere with their social life. And they've got to be able to check their TikTok while they're at work. And don't confront them on what they did wrong on the job or they will pout for the next 3 hours. I mentioned that because if you're a young person or you're raising young people, again, you're going to want to teach them to not engage in the culture of blame, but to be different. And the minute I'm different, I'm a contrarian and I'm different, contrary to the culture, I start taking accountability. I start showing work ethic. I start asking, how can I contribute? I start showing humility. I show a desire to learn and serve people. Wow, just what you said, Townsend Russell Russell. You think we think blame works because we get people elected by blaming other people, but I don't care about that. I don't want to be that blamer. I want to be the person who says, you know what, I'm accountable for my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own actions, my life, my results. I will not engage in blame. I want to be better than our culture. That's probably key, being better than our culture. And that's not very hard to do nowadays, is it?

Well said. Listen, John, thank you so much. I appreciate you coming on. If you could just one last time tell people where they can find you, where they can find your books, and if you have any other programs or things like that that would be helpful to the dad and to the parent.

Sure, Townsend, thank you. Well, qbq.com is— we've had that URL since 1998. Sometimes you're better lucky than smart. QBQ.com, just come there and you can, you know, we have all the books for sale. We do speaking and training and all those things. And you can also then from that website, you can join me on Facebook and LinkedIn and YouTube and Twitter and all those things. So QBQ.com. And again, we've covered a lot of different sides of different topics here. The main message of QBQ is I can only change me, dad. What can I do to be my best today? That's a really great question. We call it the question behind the question. Good stuff.

QBQ. Well said, John. Thank you so much.

Thank you, Townsend.

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