104. Comfort Kills

Hey, welcome back to Friday Bullpens Sessions. My name is Andy Neary and this is episode 104. Today I'm going to talk to you about comfort and how your desire to sit in that comfort is actually killing your dreams. I know it did for me for a long time. So I want to dive into that today. You see, when I think of comfort, I think of the word average, which really described my upbringing. I would tell you as a child of two teachers growing up in a middle class family in south central Wisconsin, I had an easy life growing up. I had, we weren't, we weren't wealthy by any means. We definitely weren't at the lower end of middle class or blue collar. We were right in the middle. We were comfortable. And I often think about the stories that I hear of those that I follow, maybe even some of my peers who are succeeding at such a high level.

And they come from struggle, right? You, you hear these stories about these folks that have risen to stardom who started out, you know, whether it's an adopted child in an abusive situation, near death experiences, you name it, I didn't have any of those. So if you're out there right now listening to this episode and you found yourself as a child right where I did with, which was a pretty easy life growing up, you're actually going to really like this episode. Even if you had a much more rough upbringing, you had a tough childhood, I still want you to listen because I think this is going to be very, very powerful. Comfort kills. And so growing up having that very comfortable lifestyle as a kid, I look back and I go, did it help me or did it hurt me? And I'm not so sure. Now let me set the, set the record straight here. I have absolutely wonderful parents. I couldn't ask for a pair of better parents out there. The point I'm trying to make is I grew up average. I grew up comfortable. I didn't grow up with pain like a lot so many people have done or are doing right now. In fact, if you look up the average height of a male in the United States, it's five foot nine, exactly what I am today. So the point I'm trying to make is I am the definition of average. And in today's episode, I am going to share with you how that's hurt me for a long, long time and how it's taken me way too long to figure it out. And how what I'm doing today to make sure I no longer allow myself to be average, mediocre. I no Longer allow comfort to kill my success. That's where I want to go today. So as a kid, and let me, you know, you may have been told the same advice, but as a kid, I. I felt like I was often told, I just want, I just need, I just would, I should fit in. Don't stand out. Remember that in school. Just be quiet, just sit there, be a good student. Don't raise your voice, don't raise your tone. Don't do anything that's going to grab the attention of your teachers or the principals. Don't stand out. Just fit in. That's how, that's what my life was about. I just wanted to fit in. In fact, I probably had a personality disorder growing up because I constantly wanted to fit in, which in turn resulted in me really not knowing who I was.

But despite all that being said, as a kid, there was one place I did stand out. There was one place I didn't feel like I just wanted to fit in, that was on the baseball field. And when I look at where I had the most success as a kid, as a child, any, you know, all the way up to age.

20, was on the baseball field.

That was my sacred place. That was the place I felt unstoppable. You know that feeling with the ball in my hand, ball in my glove, standing on that pitcher's mound. There were moments I felt like there is no way I'm going to lose. There were moments where I didn't care what was going on around me. I didn't care what people were saying about me, who, who I was being compared to. I knew I was the best.

But outside of the baseball field, everywhere else in my life, I just wanted to fit in. I saw myself as average. And this ability to excel on the baseball field presented itself in high school, it presented itself in college. And it's what gave me the opportunity.

To earn the right to play in the Milwaukee brewers organization. They earned the right to sign a free agent contract with the Milwaukee Brewers. Now, once I got to pro ball, that feeling of being unstoppable, that feeling, that sacred place, that was the baseball field. I let it get away from me because when I got to pro baseball, I wanted to be average. I shouldn't say I wanted to be average. I just wanted to fit in. I saw myself as average. I was a free agent. I signed for $500 and here I am on the same team with first and second round picks that signed for high six figures, in some cases seven figures as 18 and 19 year olds. I didn't see myself as the same. I didn't see myself as their equal. And.

Viewing myself as average in pro baseball, I can tell you, is hands down the same single biggest reason my pro baseball career lasted as short as it did.

And instead of trying to compare myself to the best that I was going up against, I constantly allowed myself to look back just to make sure I wasn't the worst. You see, when you're stuck in the middle, when you're stuck in average, you're stuck in mediocrity. You often don't look up at the top and say, what do I need to do to get to the top. You often catch yourself looking back at the bottom saying, thank God I'm not there. And that is exactly what is keeping you stuck in the middle. Now, this feeling of wanting to fit in, it went right into my business career. When my baseball career was over, I started in my business career as a financial advisor, which didn't last very long. I found out pretty, pretty quickly I just not very good at selling life insurance and not very good at sitting at kitchen tables at 6pm at night. But even well into my insurance career.

I didn't want to stand out. I didn't put the work in to stand out because I just wanted to be average. I wanted to fit in. To me, being comfortable, not being in that pain was good enough. You see, from for far too long in my life, well into my 20s, I didn't put in the extra work to be the best like I did on the baseball field when I was in my teens. See, that was the one spot where I felt unstoppable, right? That one spot in my life where I did not allow myself to compare to the average, to the mean. I wanted to be the best, but everywhere else in my life, I just wanted to fit in. And that was the same in my business career. I didn't look at the best and say, okay, what is it going to do take to get to the top? How much work, how much effort do I have to put in to get to the top? No, no, no. If I wasn't in enough pain, whether that pain was financial.

The threat of losing a job, I was comfortable, I was okay. I would do enough to get by. I would do enough until it was good enough. Have you ever found yourself at that spot if you're in a sales position where.

Your boss, your manager, you know, they set goals for you every year, right? And you end up trying to figure out what you need to do just to meet that goal? Heck, don't think about trying to blow that goal out of the water. Don't think to try to go above that goal. No, no, no. You're just going to put enough work in to meet that goal, and then it's good enough. You see, that's where I was for at least 10 years in my business career. I'd set goals, often the goals my manager, my boss set for me. And then I would just go about trying to figure out how do I just do enough to get by, just do enough to hit that goal. And then I was happy, and then I was done. I didn't want to go above and beyond that. You see, that's being stuck being caught in the middle. And there's a huge difference between playing in the middle in playing out on the edges. You see the best in your industry right now, whether you are an insurance sales professional, you're an athlete, a business executive. The folks, your peers that are at the best, the peers that are at the top, they're playing out on the edges. And if you want to have success, if you want to have a fulfilling life, you two have to go play out on the edges. So today I want to talk to you about what I'm doing right now. The, the, the event, the, the, the situation I put myself in about four or five months ago, that opened my eyes, that gave me that epiphany of what it means to go play out on the edges. Because if you apply a couple of the principles I'm going to teach to you today, if you are willing to push yourself to the edges because no one's going to pull you there, you have to push yourself there. If you're willing to push yourself to the edge to get uncomfortable, to do that, which is hard.

Comfort is no longer going to kill your success. You are going to be blowing through your goals. You're going to be far exceeding what any of your peers, what your competition is doing. And instead of looking up and trying to figure out what they're doing that you're not, you're going to be looking down because you're going to be so far ahead.

But again, let's go back and level set. Where are you right now in your business.

In your sports.

Within your team? Are you excelling to be the best? Or are you just allowing comfort to keep you happy right in the middle? Because remember, hey, at least not. You're not the worst. Again, that's where I was for so, so long. Instead of looking up and saying, okay, that top sales rep in my, in my district what is he or she doing? How are they hitting those numbers? They're hitting. I would look down and look at who was performing the worst and then feel comfortable that at least I wasn't the worst. Think about that.

This is why I think benchmarking is absolute bullshit. You know, I've spent the majority of my business career in the health insurance industry, and I have always viewed benchmarking as a complete waste of time. Why? Because typically the average sucks. You know, I sold health insurance for 18 years, and I'd have these employers who wanted to benchmark their benefits. Well, what is benchmarking? Benchmarking is comparing yourself to the mean. It's comparing yourself to the average. In the United States, if you offer a health insurance plan, if you're an employer who offers a health insurance plan, the average is horrible. So why would you compare yourself to the average? But I would argue for most things in life, the average is mediocre. It's not very good. So why compare yourself to that lack of success? That's where the comfortable sit. They don't do the hard things. The second something gets uncomfortable, when they set their thermostat at 72 degrees and now it's at 75, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. They bring the thermostat back down to 72. I actually thought there was a time in my life that feeling comfortable, comfortable avoiding uncomfortable situations, avoiding doing something that didn't feel good, something that felt tough. I actually thought that was a good thing. Because day in and day out, at least I won't have the stress. At least I won't have the anxiety. But you know what I've learned? You want to play out on the edges. You want to have success. Every week you're going to run into a situation that feels uncomfortable. Yeah. You're going to run into some stress, maybe even run into some anxiety. But go talk to anybody in business, in life and sports who has had massive success. And there's not a week that goes by they deal with a little discomfort. But you know what they do that you're not? They step right into it and they just do it anyways. So how can we live out on the edges? Well, as I mentioned, I am. It's taken me far, far too long to get to this point in my life. But I guess I am happy to say that I feel that I am at that point in my life. I'm 43 years old, and if you're listening in, whether you're 55, 43, 28 or 20, I want to give you this advice so you can start jumping on it today. I'm here to tell you you're never too old to change now, never too old to go live out, live out on the edges. But how can we start pushing ourselves out to the edges to live the life you know you're capable of? Well, for me.

This epiphany, this realization of what it meant to go play out on the edges happened really about four or five months ago. A good friend of mine, Kyle Depiece, runs a. An experiential company called Beyond Experience, where he puts together groups of high achieving males, males who are out to kick ass in business and in life. And he brings them together around a really cool experience. Not only to enjoy the experience, but get the opportunity to hang out with each other, get the opportunity to mastermind. And in October, this experience happened to be playing golf at Pinehurst down in North Carolina. And there were about 12 of us who went on that trip. And when I came home from that trip, it was an absolutely amazing experience. Kyle's actually putting on another experience here, the end of the month in Park Park City with the experience being skiing. And I cannot wait to go to that.

But here's what I walked away with when I left Pinehurst back in October. Number one.

I was actually surprised. I was one of the oldest there at 43. I didn't think that would be the case. But when I walked, when I arrived, I quickly realized that I was actually at the older end of the spectrum of this group. But at the same time, what even blew my mind more was what everybody else was doing here. I was surrounding myself with guys, you know, some in their late 20s, some in their late 30s. And the accomplishments that these gentlemen had already achieved in their life absolutely blew me away. It actually honestly allowed a little imposter syndrome to creep in. And there were a few days after I got home from North Carolina where I said, what in the hell am I doing wrong? But here's what I realized. I put myself in a very uncomfortable situation. But I also got to see firsthand for three days what this group of high achieving men did on a daily basis to make sure they were living out on the edge, to make sure comfort wasn't killing their dreams, comfort wasn't killing their ability to live the life they know they're capable of. And when I walked away, came home and from North Carolina, and I sat down and digested what I had experienced over those three days, here's what I came to realize and this is what I want to Share with you. These are the pillars I have really started to build myself around the last few months that quite frankly, has taken my business to a whole new level. It has taken my productivity to a whole new level. And I want to share them with you. The first pillar, the first realization I had walking away from my experience in Pinehurst, North Carolina was study the best and then model them.

I see far too many people right now study the best and then they try to mimic them, they try to copy them.

At the end of the day, it's your life. At the end of the day, you need to take what they're doing and you need to meld it to your life, to your business. And that was a mistake I made for a long, long time. I would, I would go study others, go study what the best was doing. And then I just try to copy them, mimic them, right. And often I found I didn't like it, it didn't fit the way I was trying to do things, whatever it might be. But at the end of the day, the key to this is, yes, study the best. That's why every morning I start my day watching instructional video from high high achievers. Whether it's Gary Vaynerchuk, whether it's Ed Mylett, Ryan Sirhant, you name it, these guys are performing at an all time high. But here's what I watch, here's what I try to study. When I turn those videos on, I don't want to copy what they're saying. I don't want to copy what they do for a business or a living. I want to see what they're doing, the habits that they have developed into their life, and I want to model that. I want to make some of those habits part of my life. Truly. That's how I came upon the ice cold shower. That's how I came upon my breathing exercises, how I came upon my morning meditation using Tony Robbins priming exercise. It's studying the best and then modeling myself. The second thing I learned when I came home from North Carolina was look at what everyone else is doing and then do the opposite. Now that certainly did not apply with the guys I was hanging around North Carolina. I wanted to be doing what they were doing because they were making all the right decisions. What I'm getting at though is when I study what they're doing, they blaze their own trail. They don't benchmark against what others are doing and then saying, oh good, I'm glad I'm doing what others are doing. So I'm just fitting in. No, they look at what everybody else is doing, and then they do the opposite. They blaze their own trail. They. They have people in their life saying, you are absolutely crazy for thinking about doing that. It's not going to work. And then you know what they do? They go do it and then it works. And then they build a business and they build a life that very few get to have. That's what I'm asking you to do today. Look at what everybody else is doing in your field, look what your friends are doing, and go do the opposite. Blaze your own trail. And the last pillar I took away from my experience in North Carolina.

Was to surround yourself with people who are kicking ass. In fact, kicking your ass, and enjoy getting uncomfortable. You see, when I hung out with these guys, remember, some of these guys are in their or late twenties, having massive success. They're kicking my ass in many ways. But you know what? As uncomfortable as it was.

As much imposter syndrome that I let set in, when I watched the success or listened to the success they're having, I was so glad I was there because those are the folks I want to hang out with. Those are the folks I want to surround myself with because they're going to challenge me. They're going to make me get better. They have made me come home and completely reimagine the way I do my business. And I couldn't be happier. That's why I'm so excited to get back to Park City to go surround myself with another group of gentlemen who I know are probably kicking my ass. And I ask you to do the same. If you are somebody right now who finds yourself in the middle, you find yourself just comfortable with mediocre. That thermostat. Thermostat set at 72. But you know what? You're a little afraid to let that creep up to 75, 80 degrees. Here's what I'm going to tell you to do today. Number one, go study the best in your field in life, whoever that might be, and model them. Don't mimic, don't copy, model. What are the habits that they are incorporating. You do the same, but make sure you model it to fit the. The life you are living today. Number two, look at everyone else. Look at what everyone else is doing and do the opposite. That is the definition of trying to fit in, right? You look at what everybody else is doing and then you try to do the same. Because you know what? Dang it, that feels good because everybody else is doing it, then it can't be wrong, right? I think that's a huge problem in our country right now. Everybody is just telling you to fit in. This is the way to do it. And fit in. This is how you're going to do it. Heck, we could argue the government's telling us to do that, but that's for another conversation. Look at what everybody else is doing and blaze your own trail. And then number three.

Go surround yourself with people who are kicking your ass. And love that discomfort. I remember when I was heavy into Ironman training. It was between 2008, 2012. One of the best things I ever did to become a better cyclist was every week I would join a group ride where I was living at the time at Pewaukee, Wisconsin, filled with absolutely top notch cyclists. In fact, there was a gentleman that was part of the group that was a former Olympic speed skater for Netherlands. I mean, you talk about studs. Would I get my ass kicked every week? Yeah, I would. But you know what? It did over time, I was no longer cycling with the people that made me feel good because I was kicking their ass. No, no, no. I was getting my ass kicked. Therefore, I became a much better cyclist. I became a cyclist. I became one of the top cyclists in the area in triathlon. If you want to ask, if you want to know the truth now that, that's my opinion. But my point is this. It would not have happened had I not got uncomfortable and joined a group of other cyclists who I knew were going to kick my ass, who I knew were going to drop me and leave me behind because I needed that. That's the only way I was going to get better. You, you do the same whether you're a cyclist, whether you're a baseball player or a business executive. Surround yourself with people who are kicking your ass right now and love that discomfort.

Well, that's all I have today. My message to you is very simple. Life is to be lived out on the edges. It is not to be lived in the middle. It is not to be lived in mediocrity, with comfort. Yes, I know it feels. It feels good. You might even think it's the right thing to do because with that comes little stress and little anxiety. But I promise, living in the middle is going to get you nowhere to living the life you know you're capable of. And most importantly, you can't just rely on people to pull you there. You got to push yourself there with time and effort. So I hope you found this episode very, very impactful. I know this is something that's near and dear to my heart. I lived my life in comfort for far too long. And I couldn't be happier today that I allow myself to get uncomfortable. I allow myself to do. Do the hard things, even though I don't want to. Because I am in my constant pursuit of living on the edges. And I hope you do the same. All right. You know what happens when clarity and confidence collide? Massive action happens. Go make it happen today.