Single with children? Think about this...

Good morning, darling. Excuse me. Good morning. Come on in here right quick. Come on in. That's Facebook. We're building an audience for you, okay? Building an audience. Come on in, come on in. For those of you watching the replay, gotta wait for the folks to come on in, so you can always fast forward. Come on in here, folks. Oh, I see y'all coming in. Hey, okay, y'all. Yes, y'all up in here. We got the hundreds up in here now. How y'all doing? Good morning. Hey, Trina. How y'all doing? Hey Alvin! Hey Leon says sup! Sup, shawty, sup! Hey Debbie, what's going on? Okay, listen to this. I wanted to share something with you really quick. I am sitting here, um, getting some work done, but I took a break. I had to get, you know, sister had to get her workout on this morning because I'm determined to drop this last 15 to 20 pounds. So pray for a sister, okay? Uh, so I got up, did my workout, getting ready to make some green juices and all that, and, uh, before I get to start with my work. But I took a moment because I made a promise to myself that now that I am pretty much an empty nester, that every single month I will be traveling somewhere. So I just bought some plane tickets. Uh, I head out somewhere this this month, and then I have some things scheduled in conjunction with quite a few speaking engagements and things that I have across the country. But I had to make a decision to take care of me and put me first. So, you know, in the morning I get up and I don't just rush to get to work like I used to, or, or, you know, because I work from my home office, I don't rush to do that anymore. I don't rush to check my email, or I have someone that actually does that, check the business email, but I don't rush to throw myself into my day like I used to because I'm gonna tell you what I realized. And this is for my folks that are single with children. And I got two things for you this morning. Number one, so many times we put the kids before, before ourself and we think we're doing something awesome, you know, and it's good. You always make sure your kids are straight, right? But we end up neglecting us because we're putting them first. Number 2 is when you become someone like me who is pretty much an empty nester, them jokers be going about their business. So you would have not created a life for yourself outside of them because you were— you think you're thinking you're doing everything you're supposed to do by giving them all of your time. Thank you guys so much for sharing. If you don't mind, hit the button and share this because this may bless another empty nester. So as I started to really think about life, and I started going through this transition about 2014 when I realized that my middle son was graduating high school, and that was about 2, 3 years ago, and it was like something really hit me, but I didn't make any adjustments at the time, right? So I just kind of went along with, okay, you know, he's, he's leaving. But the kids kept telling me, now kept telling me, Ma, we need you to go out to the, to the, to the, uh, what do you call it, the Jazz Lounge. So we need you to meet somebody because we don't want you home alone by yourself, right? And so I'm like, you know, normally kids don't really want their parent to go out and meet anybody because they think, okay, well, this person might take my time away, right? Well, my kids aren't like that, especially my boys. My boys were like, okay, wait a minute, we both headed off to college soon. We won't make sure that somebody's taking care of you and, and protecting you because we're not going to be here. So, my, get out and, and, and go do something, you know, with yourself. But I had grown so accustomed to not doing for myself and putting myself first that I didn't know how. So I made a promise to myself, like I said, every month I will be traveling somewhere. Last month it was— I got up, I got in the car and I went to Huntsville, Alabama. This month I'm heading out for 4 days, next month, and, and so on and so forth. And I really look at how we can cause our children also not to be able to function in relationships because we put all of our energy into them. But when you're single, a single parent, and you say, I don't want to date anybody until my kids get out of school, what you're doing is showing them how not to interact with the opposite sex. I was counseling someone, one of my, one of my coaching clients, and, um, he was saying that he wanted to wait because I want to focus on my kids, and I became a single parent because my, my wife passed away, and I just want to focus on them. I said, yeah, but you have daughters. So how are your daughters supposed to learn how a man is supposed to interact with a woman if you never have a woman around? And your excuse is, I don't want to get involved until after my kids got out of school because I want to give them all my time. Well, daughters, they need mothers. They need some type of role model, some type of mentor in their life, because there's things that young ladies like to talk about that We don't want to talk about with the man. We don't want to talk about with Daddy. And I have a couple male friends of mine who either are divorced and was left raising the kids, or wives passed away, that I kind of stepped in to be that, that female role model, that mother figure for their children. And so one of my friends, he's like, she acting out, she— I don't know, I'm just going— I said, you can't do her like you do the boys. Okay, you can't talk to her the way you talk to the boys. And I would go over, and I'll never forget, um, because her mother passed away when she was 6 and she's 22 now. And I was over one day and she came into the bathroom. She saw me primping and stuff in the bathroom, and she came in the bathroom and said, Miss April, do you know how to clip ends? Right? She wanted her ends clipped. I said, well, come on in here, baby. I'm gonna clip your ends and I'm about to flat iron your hair too because You about to be fierce today, okay? So as I am doing her hair and we're having this, you know, this girl conversation, and I flat iron her hair and I'm like, okay, we got to put your makeup on like this, and, and all of, you know, we're just doing girl stuff, right? What I noticed is his son came in the bathroom with us and sat on the floor, and we all just had a conversation. And what it was is they were missing that feminine energy. They had had a mother, um, at that time she had to be about maybe 14 at the time, but her mother passed away when she was 6. And you know, so she missed that. So I said that to say, stop trying to put your love life on hold for your children because they need to see positive interaction between a man and a woman. They need to see Daddy go behind Mama while she cooking and kiss her on the neck. They need to see, you know, Mama taking care of Daddy. And, and, and I, I was just raised that, um, you know, the woman is supposed to make a man's plate. I— do I have to do it? No. But my daughter does that because she, she saw me teach her that. Um, women need to see a woman reverencing, honoring, and respecting the man. And they also need to see the man protecting, providing for the woman, and showing her affection, and, and caring and loving on her. But when you cut that part of your life out and you have children, children, you're doing your children a disservice. And I did that until I woke up last year, y'all, and said, wait a minute, You got to be kidding me, Mason. It's getting ready to be 10 years that you've been divorced. And I really had to stop and say, wait a minute, what was I thinking all of these years? I, you know, I haven't had really— I had a relationship in between that time for a couple of years, but even in that, I looked at my children didn't get to see what a husband is supposed to be and what a wife is supposed to be. They hear— they heard me talk about it and they saw me pick up books to learn, um, what I didn't know. They saw me, um, talking about relationships. They, they know that I have a, a great understanding of it, but I would not allow myself to get into a relationship because I dealt with molestation as a kid and I don't want nobody molesting my kids. So I was operating from a place of fear, right? Now realizing, April, you done taught your kids real well. Anybody mess with them, they'll come and tell you, Mama, this, this fool done They will tell you, right? Not looking at, I've instilled some awesome qualities inside of my children that they know when, you know, right from wrong. And so they would, they have no problem voicing and coming to talk to me. My children and I, we have a very open relationship as far as communication, especially that Marine of mine. He has the most explicit conversations with me. With the other two, they'll tell me stuff, but that one, You know, he's the one to be like, Ma, I'm in my dorm, right, Ma? And my roommate's sister, Ma, she want me to bang, Ma, and I'm trying not to go there. So he's that kid. So I said that to say, that's the level of openness and, um, free-flowing conversation that my children and I have. Because I'm like, son, you don't piss where you eat. Leave your sprue mixes alone. So, you know, we, we have those type of dialogues. So I had to really look at— excuse me— in order for us to be able to have those type of conversations, I must have instilled something on the inside of them that make them, um, great communicators. They're okay with voicing how they feel. So April, you kept yourself single all of those years because you did not want to bring anyone in that might violate your children? Yes, Mary, he has no filter whatsoever. And so the other two, they're like, my, he's like, I know. I said, but that's the kind of relationship we have. We, we can talk about, you know, we, we could talk about sex, we could talk about love, whatever, whatever. With that one, anything goes. And his girlfriend, well, now fiancée, says, why do you talk to your mom all the time? He says, because not only is she my mom She's my friend and she gives really good advice. So he'll call, he could be in the room full of a lot of his, um, he's in the Marines, so his soldier friends, right? Whatever, I don't know what to call him, but his soldier friends, right? He could, um, he could be in the room with them and he'll call me and FaceTime and maybe 20 of them in the room and he'll say, well, I knew my mama would know, let's ask her, my mama know. So I've created that type of bond with my children, right? But what I didn't do was show them the other side. I didn't show them what it actually looks like to be in a successful relationship because I was too busy trying to protect them. No, let me take that back. I was too busy trying to protect me but using them as the excuse. Oh. I'm just saying, hmm. I was trying to protect me from getting hurt, but I put it off on them and used them as the excuse. So if you're single with children, don't make the mistake that I made, okay? And get 10 years down the line and realize, wait a minute, I taught my kids how to make money, I taught my children how to be respectful, I, I've imparted character and integrity into them, honesty, loyalty. My children are very mature for their ages. I've instilled all of that entrepreneurship. They, they bout that life, right? But that's not the only part. We have to show them how to interact with the opposite sex. We have to show them that because think about it, the relationship that— the romantic relationship that you have is a relationship that can make or break you. Like I tell my kids, be careful who you bring home because they can make your life heaven or hell, and it can alter everything in your life. So you have people that want love, but yet they put all of their energy into going to make the money, going in to, you know, get the material things, going to school. They put all of their focus there. But they make no type of effort in this, the most innermost personal part of their life. Think about that. Think about it. So fellas, if everything that you're doing— I'm getting myself together and I'm going to school, I got this job— is subconsciously for a woman, why won't you just go get a woman? We have to start looking beyond the surface. And as I look back, as I'm sitting here and, and all on, you know, uh, the websites, travel websites, looking for where I'm going to go next, where my next empty nester adventure is going to be, it really hit me. April, you did not open up to really dating again until last year. Why did you do that? And it has everything to do with me and my three. I— nope, nope, nope. If I've been let down, if I've been disappointed and mistreated, I'm going to give them everything that I can to make sure that they aren't— have to— or they don't have to deal with what I dealt with. But as I'm gathering them up, my little, my little chickens— I call them my little chickens— my little chickens, as I'm gathering them up What I'm not giving them is to see the other part. That's why I think fathers are so important in a child's life. You know, for those of you that may have the, you know, relationship issues, issues with your, with your child's mother or father, fix that because they need both parties. If you're not involved, get involved because just like a girl needs a mom, she needs a dad too. And a lot of our young men have become really, really, um, I don't want to use that word. Let's just say their confidence, their self-esteem is not where it needs to be. And what's happening is it's trickled over into my generation where you see a lot of men that don't have any self-confidence, they don't have any self-esteem. They are, I'm not going to pursue a woman because I don't want to feel rejected. It's not like the men were when, when I was looking, when I was a teenager and I saw men in their 40s, they— I viewed them as strong, confident. They were well put together. They had this class about themselves, you know, and it was like, yeah, that's the kind of guy that I want to grow up and marry, because they had this whole different type of strong, powerful demeanor. Well, we don't hardly see that anymore. And even though people say, well, I'm an alpha male, there's not as many alpha males as you would thing, because I can— I, I can even gauge from the men that I counsel. They're not— you look at them and be like, oh my God, he has it all together, and he has the money in the bank, and he has all of these material things, but the self-value and self-worth is so low. I'm like, well, baby, no wonder you keep meeting the gold diggers, because that's how you— that's what you think makes you a man. So we got to switch that out. So I had to learn that our young— our young people, our young people, they need to see quality relationships. Ladies, get out of this 'I'm that boss chick, I'm that boss bitch, you better see me get my coin.' That ain't cute. Just go make your money. You don't have to— you don't have to advertise. Just go make your money, do what you do, and let it be. Fellas, stop worrying about if, you know, 'She a gold digger,' and, 'And she trying to take my stuff.' Well, most of y'all ain't got no gold, so she ain't trying to— that ain't ain't it. It's the defense mechanism, okay? It's the defense mechanism. I think what we've done is we try to get out of the natural order of things and then we expect things to work. Yes, a woman is a weaker vessel than a man. Not saying that we are weak as far as we're doormats, runt, you, you can run over us and that you can treat us any kind of way. That doesn't mean that. It just means I'm okay with being a weaker vessel. You go out there and deal with the man. You go out there and, and, and work. You work hard and make it happen. I'm gonna sit here, and I'm gonna encourage you, and we gonna build this family legacy together with my, you know, with Mama at the house making it happen, or wherever I decide, you know. And not every woman believes in, in the, the what they call the traditional roles, but I believe that traditional roles doesn't necessarily mean you don't go out and you don't do anything. I'm saying I believe, in which I teach my daughter, is that your body was not even made the same way to do a lot of the things that the man does. But then as women, we wonder why we have so many health issues especially fibroid issues, ladies, um, and all of these hysterectomies that we have to have. And before I had mine last year, which is what put on this weight, I did my research and I had to find— I found that because we put so much on us, uh, doing it by ourselves, and I know sometimes we don't want to do it by yourself, but we have to. But at the same time, what keeps us doing it by ourselves so long is something that we're holding on to inside. So as I was doing my research and I'm trying to find all these holistic type of remedies and cures to help me so I didn't have to have the big girl surgery. I found that in the area of provision and survival, most women have issues in the womb area, area, because our womb area carries so much stress. And that stress comes from us out there having to survive, trying to make it happen, making sure the bills is paid, stressing ourselves out, because our bodies weren't made to do all of that. Now don't get it twisted. I'm not saying you don't go to work. I work every day. I— but I just work operating my purpose, and I enjoy what I do. And I can work from anywhere in the world as long as I have a phone, an iPad, and a, um, and a laptop. And I set it up that way since my— my daughter's 22. Since the last time she saw me working was when she was in the 4th grade. So I set it up that way because even though there was not a mom and dad in the house, I personally wanted to raise my kids. So there's only been a couple of events in their life that I might have missed by accident, but I've been there. So they had that mother in the home. But what I didn't do is get into a relationship out of thinking I was protecting them. Does that make sense? What'd you say? Y'all say I should be a matchmaker. I tried it before. Well, I used to own a matchmaking company, but I sold it in 2012, and it was great, but I wanted to move on to something else. I probably should have, should have kept it. But also, um, I did do some matchmaking here on my Facebook page twice. One of my good friends, I put him on, I think was 2014, and ooh, the ladies was in my inbox. So who knows, I may decide to do a little matchmaking here and there. But, um, I just think that it's time to get intentional about love. That bottom line, to wrap this up in a nutshell, I think it's time to get intentional about love. We're intentional about everything else. But that's the area that we refuse to be intentional in. And yet we're raising children and then we expect them to be in healthy relationships. It doesn't work like that. Whatever seed that you're planting is the seed that will grow. Would you say, "Treese, help my mama find a man, please." Well, see, when we had our matchmaking service, I wasn't just matchmaking. I had to get in here first because I can't just say, you know, let's connect. I had to see where you were, what your mentality was, how you feel about love, how you feel about relationships, how you feel about men, how you feel about women, you know, that kind of thing. So, um, it was fun when I, you know, when I did it, it was really fun. And I don't know if I have the patience for it, uh, now. But I, like I was saying, make sure you open yourself up because this is not just for you. You can't raise productive children and if you're not giving them the components that they need. And I realized that talking with my sons about relationships and some of the things that they have— they had confidence in the area, but there's a different kind of confidence that a young man has when there is a father. In the picture, when they see how their father treats their mother or the woman that he's with. There's a different level of confidence a young lady has when she sees how a relationship should go. So we have to do our part, meaning stop being selfish, stop being skeptical about love, stop being hurt and dwelling in the past and the what-ifs, the buts, but this, but that, but, but, but. We, we know that we don't want to dwell in the but, and if you don't do it for anybody else, do it for your children, because what you're doing is creating another generation just like you. So we can teach our daughters to go get educated. We can teach our daughters to go get their money and climb the corporate ladder. But also you have to teach them about interpersonal relationships because when you teach them one side, you're teaching, you're also showing them that I don't need a man at the same time. Like I said, there's a difference between being needy and need. So I had to make the decision last year to get intentional about that area of my life. I was intentional about making business, uh, starting businesses. I was intentional about writing books. I was intentional about everything else. Surrounding a relationship, but I would not get intentional, um, about that. And I just believe— and this is my God-honest belief— that you can only get so far in life being single. I know some people say, well, yeah, Oprah, she's got X, Y, Z. But see, it depends on what your definition of success is. Oprah has money, she has influence, she's recognized. But we don't know any other areas that she might be dealing with as well. She's still got a man on— she still have a statement now. So she's— even though they might not be married, she's still included that piece into inside of her life. And even though she's this successful woman, if you watch shows like, um, Being Mary Jane and, and, uh, what's, what's the other one, Scandal, no matter how powerful these women are they still want a loving, healthy relationship. Don't miss those pieces. We just look at the power, and they can dress, they fly, they fabulous, but Miss Olivia Pope always got a glass of wine, home lonely. So she does desire that. Think about what— when, when she would be daydreaming about her and Fitz. It's her making jam somewhere off in the countryside, and she's just being a woman, you know. She's, she's able to be in her feminine energy, but then, you know, that's short-lived. That's short-lived because she got to get right back in there. And so many of us, we've— we say we want someone, but we've— so we've accepted If we've accepted just, I'm just single right now and I'm gonna let it be. If he finds me, he finds me. If she— if I run into her, I run into her. That's not being intentional. The same way I teach you to be intentional about your business, being intentional about changing your life, be intentional about love. Be intentional. Go out, be intentional, and don't let anybody make you believe that you're being desperate because you're being intentional. There's nothing wrong with being intentional about the very thing that you craving anyway. That's like me wanting a cookie, right? I, I know I want a cookie. I know I want a cookie, right? But I'm trying to act like I don't want the cookie. I, I want the cookie. I, I want the cookie, anime. I want the cookie. And it's amazing to me how we act as though we don't want a thing, but yet everything that we do on our day-to-day basis is saying otherwise. That's why I say we have to think beyond the surface, okay? We have to think beyond just right now. And, and like little ants building, we building, we building. But guess what? It's a lot easier to build when you have someone there, when you have two people building, versus you have one person building and they're trying to do all of the parts of what another person is supposed to do. I'm just saying, y'all. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. So be intentional about it. Like I said, you get up every day and you're intentional about getting to that job. You're intentional about going to make that paycheck. You're intentional about starting that business. You're intentional about everything else. But I don't know, I don't have time for that. Really? And like I said, I just a firm believer that you can only get so far in life by yourself. I believe that when you connect on a romantic level with someone, that takes you to another level that you never knew really existed, because you can only do so much within yourself. But when you have somebody else that's there with you, it causes you to rise to your best self, because it's not just about you. Okay, sidebar, why are these ladybugs coming out? I keep seeing these little ladybugs, um, you know, coming in. Is that— somebody said that's— I heard somebody said that means good luck or something like that. I don't know, but I get— maybe they're trying to get in from the cold. I don't know, but they just— every time I look around, like, why is a ladybug on my neck? So that's what I wanted to share with my single, my single parents. Um, when you get into a place where you're an empty nester like myself, you have to take a step back and look and say, did I go and give all of my time and all of my energy into my kids? And then now when it's time for them to go, I'm sitting here like Okay. Yeah, this is, this is interesting. You know, Henry said, what steps did you take to get in the position you are in now? I made a choice. I, well, before I made this choice, I stopped. I stopped. I stopped to realize that I was on a treadmill, or on a, like a, like a hamster on a wheel going around and around in circles. And I've noticed that I was getting the result that I wanted, so I had to stop. Then I had to acknowledge that, April, you've put yourself in this position. You guarded yourself. You guarded yourself because of everything that had happened in your past. From— you have to think about it. Here's, for those of you that don't know my story, I haven't read my book Broken But Not Bound: The Making of Me. You can download it PDF on my website. I had to, I had to realize that dealing with my past was necessary in order to be where I am now, because technically I should hate men now. I've dealt with rape, I've dealt with domestic violence where my face was ran into a wall and you wouldn't even recognize the left side of my face. I've been punched, I've been slapped by a man, I've dealt with molestation for 12 years from my father and stepfather. So technically I should hate men because I didn't know what it felt like to be covered, right? So I was subconsciously operating from the traumas that had happened to me. But I had to make a choice to say, April, all men aren't that way. All men won't put their hands on you. All men won't violate you. All men won't— I used to deal with— I would attract the jealous kind of men, the men that even though I'm a really humble woman and I kind of— I'm more of a homebody, they didn't like the fact that I was gracing stages and writing books. They didn't want me to have those type of characteristics. Period. I couldn't— I saw I was attract the, the narcissistic kind of successful guy, but narcissistic, and did not only support me when it benefited them. So I had to look at that as well too. Why do I— why did I attract that? So to answer your question, darling Henry, it was me making a choice. Me making a choice. To take the walls down. Me making the choice to not be fearful that I'll be divorced again because that's what I saw in my family— divorce. I have family members that have been married 3, 4, 5, 6 times, and, you know, people in my family that just, you know, always ended up in divorce. I was afraid of that. So the very thing that I put the energy into of being afraid of is the very thing that I got back in return. So I had to make the choice. Thank you guys for sharing this video. I had to make a choice, a choice, a choice to go against everything that was on the inside of here that was causing me to self-sabotage or feel like I wasn't good enough or feel like I wasn't pretty enough or feel like I wasn't— I didn't have the right body shape or, or that I didn't look— because I tend to and it's— I don't, I don't, I don't know what this is about, but I tend to attract very affluent men. It doesn't matter if it's Hollywood, it doesn't matter if it's R&B, gospel music, actors, actresses, politicians, police chiefs. I mean, I've always attracted those kind of men. But guess what? I would sabotage that because I didn't feel like I was good enough to be with one of those kind of guys. Can anybody relate to that? Would you say, Carol, I'm helping you and crushing you all at the same time? I'm not— I wasn't trying to crush you. I just wanted to chat with you, little big girl. So yeah, I was that woman that no matter how talented and smart or beautiful anyone told me I was, because of what I dealt with on the inside and the traumas and the negative words that were spoken over me as a kid, I always felt like I wasn't good enough for those kind of guys because those guys like a certain type of woman, and I didn't look Hollywood. I didn't look— I didn't look— view myself as that glam girl. I didn't view myself as, you know, the stereotype of what those kind of powerful men would like, right? So the energy that I sent out because of how I felt about me would either cause them to run, or they'll just disappear, or they would spot that, that place in me and see it and try to control and manipulate because they saw who I actually was, but they also saw my weaknesses as well too. So I had to make a choice, Henry. That was to answer your question. I hope I answered it. I had to make a choice and say, wait a minute, Mason, you are the bomb. Wait up, hold up. You know, when you walk in the room, you don't walk in, you make an entrance, baby. And your spirit shines and comes through before the exterior does. You know, she cute and all, but it ain't— don't, don't get it twisted. It's what had to go on in here. And I'll never forget, I'll tell you this little quick story. My kids say, 'Ma, you gonna be one of those old people that have a bunch of stories.' And I do, I do. Um, back when I got my divorce in 2000, January 29th of this year will be 10 years that I've been divorced. And I'll never forget, I looked online, um, in 2007, and it said you're divorced, and got my maiden name back. So I started to start working on me. It's been a process. I started working on me, and I remember that that year from January until November, no man would talk to me. None. And I'm like, wait a minute, so you couldn't tell me I ain't cute? You can't tell me that I, you know, these boots and this little outfit that I got on ain't rocking you? But I'm telling you, no man would talk to me from January until November. But during that time, I was going through a breaking. I was going through, um, I believe it was a spiritual breaking. That's where my spirituality and things that I believed in, asking the why questions, really, really started. So November comes around, and I would sometimes, I would be on the floor just crying and didn't know what was going on. It was just, I just felt like I was losing it. I was losing it. And it was like something ain't right. And I had to get, I just had to go through my time, right? Well, I'll never forget. I went to the store. I had on some yoga pants. Y'all know I love a baseball cap, a baseball cap, some tennis shoes. Jeans and a baby tee. I'm in the store and I'm walking in. Now, no makeup. Well, I had on my mascara and some lip gloss because, ladies, you know, we— if we don't put on makeup, we gotta put that, uh, that mascara and a little bit of lip gloss on. So that's all I had on. No foundation, nothing else. A little mascara, a little lip gloss. As soon as I hit the store, man walks by me and says, my God, you're beautiful. And I'm like Okay, do he see that I don't have on no makeup? And I'm like, okay, well, thank you. I get to the next aisle, the next guy says, you have such a beautiful smile. And I'm like, okay, okay, well, thank you. Well, the next guy— now this is 3 guys in one store. Now mind you, 11 months, nobody would talk to me. But the third— one day, 3 guys in the same store. Next one says, he said, I just had to stop you. And he said, you have this glow about you that is just beautiful. And at that moment I knew it had nothing to do with my outward appearance, but had everything to do with the work that I started doing on myself. So I was— I all the way there? No, I wasn't. But I had made a choice to say, I will never get into a relationship that does not honor who I am again. Mm-mm. And it took me a while for that to sink in. Even though I made that declaration to myself, it took it a while for it to sink in and it actually become my standard. It took a while, but I made that choice. I made that choice. So how do you try— how do you change your life? You pay attention to what's actually going wrong, and you, you accept how you feel. Accept it. Accept it. Be honest about what you really want. We are so afraid about Being honest with what we really want. I used to say, well, I want this, but— or I would look at my limited resources so I wouldn't dream big, or I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't desire bigger things because I looked at my limited resources. Well, God isn't limited. That's not limited. Or if I wanted a certain caliber of man, I would think Okay, I always attract these kind, but can I really be with one of these kind of guys? Because what would they see in little old me, April from Richmond, California? What— well, you know, I may not have the degrees and things that they have, I may not have the material things that they have. But one of my, my friends, um, he told me the year before last— we, we dated years ago when I was in my 20s, and at that time he was at this I think he had the number one syndicated jazz station in the country. And we met, and I was 25 and he was in his mid to late 30s. And he called me— we connected. This was, yeah, this was maybe in early 2000, 2000. He called me a couple years ago, about a year and a half ago, and he says, hey, back then I could tell your confidence wasn't where it needed to be. Me, but the reason I wanted to marry you is because the woman that you are today is the woman that I saw when you were 20— I think 24 or 25 years old. So I had to grow into how others viewed me when I didn't view myself that way. I had to grow into that. When you are bullied all through— I was bullied all throughout school. When you're bullied throughout school, and one of the funny parts is the main girl that bullied me in junior high school and in high school, she inboxes me on Facebook a couple years ago and say, hey, my daughter was molested, can you help me? You never know who you gonna need, right? And I helped her. I didn't, you know, I had let go of that stuff, but my self-esteem and self-worth were all pretty much taken out of me because of what I had gone through. But I had to make a decision to say, why not me? Why can't I have the best? Why can't I have a man that's gonna honor, adore, and cherish me and take care of me and make me his baby? Why, why, why, why, why can't I have that? I see other people with it. Why can't I have that? Why? How do I grow into my now? How do I grow into my now, Janet? Like I said, it's a choice. It's a choice. It's a choice. You have to choose to want better. It's nothing— it's not a magic pill, or there's not, not a, not some fairy dust or anything like that that you're going to take and all of a sudden— oh no, it starts with a choice. I teach you guys all the time, everything is a choice. Where you are in life right now is a choice, and you got to make better choices. And I'm saying, if you're single with children, make the choice to show your child your children a successful and healthy relationship. How do you pick better people? You make better choices. How do you make better choices? You pray and ask for wisdom. When you pray and ask for wisdom and you get it, it allows you to trust yourself. It all starts with the wisdom. Pray and ask for wisdom. Accept what you see. It's going to shake you. You will be shaken. I'm not gonna talk— I'm not gonna lie to you and tell you you're not. And then from there, you make the necessary adjustments because things will start coming to you once you make the necessary adjustments. How do you overcome the single mom stigma? You don't. You let them have that. You go do you. I, I, as a single woman, and I had 3 children by the time I was 23, I have never had a problem attracting men, or what women would say would deem quality men on paper. One of my friends, um, a while ago, years ago, she said, April, I don't have no kids and I cannot attract the type of guys that you attract, but you got 3 of them and they just want to come in and be daddy and just all that. But I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't ready for that because I didn't think I deserved that. I didn't have the, the formal education like everyone else that I thought those guys would have. I remember dating a television producer for Fox years ago, and he says, April, I date beautiful women all the time. He said, but what's interesting is my best relationships are— and the best connection that I have, he said, I'm having with you. And I don't have kids and you have 3, and in my position I'm supposed to be with the model chicks, I'm supposed to be— but you have something else because you've learned how not to be selfish and whatever his spiel was, right? But even in that, he still went with the other girl because she fit the standard and the mold of based upon his position and what, um, what he's supposed to have. So that, that, that broke my self-esteem as well too. Um, you know, we're still friends to this day, but, uh, and yes, he's tried to come back, but I'm like, no, back then you didn't want me, now I'm hot, you all on me, Mike Jones. So you just have to make a choice, darling. But everything that I went through, I went through for a reason, and it was to show me. So there was always glimpses of who I would become inside of all of the tragedies and experiences that I've had. The woman that I am today, she was, she was always here. She's always been here. I just didn't know it. So I had to fall in love with me, let go of those experiences, and say, April, it's time to put you first. So now my kids will say, Ma, when we get over here, you don't even cook. I'm like, for what? I'm like, for what? I said, you know, I said, when I get my husband, you know, he'll eat. But, um, y'all gonna fix y'all something. So it was, it was a little difficult also for them, for me to make the transition, uh, into putting me first even though there was no man in the house. It's like, wait a minute, how do you— how you gonna not cook? I'm like, how? I'm not hungry, I ate already. Y'all grown. Once you get— once you got the 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23 on your name You've grown. I don't have to do that no more. I don't have to do that. So it took them, even though they were sending me out to go date, and when I started doing it, I didn't neglect them. But ladies, if you don't remember nothing else I said, remember this: stop doing things for your children that they should be doing on their own. So my boys would say, Mom, where the brush at? I'm like, find it yourself. Any other time I'd be like, oh, it's in here, or I'll find it, right? No, you find it yourself. Mm-hmm. So what age was my kids when I started dating? Um, I've always dated, I just did not get into a relationship. My definition of dating and relationship are two different things. Dating to me is nothing more than collecting data. So my kids to this day— well, I think I told them about it maybe a year ago. I'm sorry, got my leg— I was sitting on my leg and my leg went to sleep. Stand up. Um, but I always dated. My kids never knew that I was at the club every weekend, but I was there. But I was never a club type of woman, so, um, I was just going just to be going, but they never knew. So anytime I went out on dates and things, they never really saw it. They never saw anyone in my life from the time I was with their dad in '94. Okay, I had my son in '96. Their dad and I broke up in '98. No, dad and I were together from '94 to '98 or '99. My next relationship was when I got married in 2004, I think, 3 or 4, after I got divorced in 2007. They didn't see me in a relationship again until 2012. You see those big gaps? You see them big gaps? So my children have only seen me with two men pretty much in their life. You see that? Do you see that? And it's because I made the choice. So I would date and go out here and there. They just didn't know it, so they didn't get to see that. Think about that, people. Don't let anybody tell you that you should be alone, because it's not just for you. Your kids need both sides. It can be okay. It can be— it can be okay for you, but for most of us, it's not okay if our reasoning why we're doing it is not a good reason, especially when you have kids. Our kids today don't even know how to communicate or hold a conversation with the opposite sex because all they do is text. That's all they do. My neighbor, she's so cute, a little girl. She's— I think she's in— she goes to the middle school up the street, and I see her walking. I say, hey, Miss Snapchat. I said, y'all never see you outside, Miss Snapchat. That's why you're always on Snapchat. But all the kids for Christmas, they were out in the neighborhood playing with their toys, right? And I just kind of look at, wow, you know, we used to do this on a regular basis, but now technology and being independent and being by yourself is being promoted so much, being so much promoted so much that our children, it's all about me and mine. They, they have that and they don't even know why they think like that. Think about it. When do you introduce yourself? When do you introduce someone to your children? Now I'm gonna say this and I want you to grasp what I'm saying. When you have made the decision to pray for wisdom and you have wisdom. The person that you choose, you will be comfortable at any moment because you chose them out of wisdom, which means you've done your due diligence. I don't believe in timelines. Like, I don't believe in you got to date X amount of time before you get engaged, and then once you get engaged, you gotta date— uh, be engaged X amount of time. I don't personally— that's just me. I don't believe that. I don't think it takes all day to recognize sunshine. If you, you want to get married and if she's somebody that you want to marry, why— unless, unless your money and you ain't right and you want to have this big old wedding. But, um, I just don't believe in timelines, um, to be honest with you. Um, I don't. And every man in my life, especially my closest friends, they either said upon meeting their wife or within a 30-day period they knew she was the one. Because they had identified what they needed. And I told you guys a story the other day about my Facebook friend. He's actually an actor on one of them CSI's, I want them shows. And I saw him post that on the second time that he laid eyes on his wife, he asked her to marry him. And they met online and they were long-distance dating, LA and Atlanta. Met on the internet August, they met in person November, met second time in person in January, proposed to her the same day, and they got married. Been married 11 years. So I believe— I don't believe in timelines, I believe in wisdom. That's what I believe in. When you have wisdom, you operate differently. You identify quickly what it is that you need. You identify the people that come into your life. If they don't possess the things that you need, you operate from your core, and you pick from your core because you've taken the time to know what you what you need versus what they say a good man or a woman is. So I don't believe in timelines. So whoever asked that question, Miss Mason does not believe in timeline. You— I believe you can meet somebody today, and if y'all choose to go get married 90 days, uh, or however long, then you can do that if you were dating intentionally with purpose and you use wisdom in choosing that people— those— that person. And I think a lot of times is what we do. Someone will come along and they'll meet our needs, but we'll throw them back back because we don't feel like— we feel like, well, maybe it's something else out there. It ain't nothing else out there. If you gotta lock her down, if you got him, lock him down. Stop throwing people back. Stop throwing back. You know, I know the website say plenty of fish, but it isn't. When you find what you need, it might be plenty of fish, but is it a type of fish that you need? Like, for instance, I live in Atlanta, but I'm a California girl. My favorite fish is perch and red snapper. And it is hard to find perch and red snapper here. So yes, it's plenty of catfish— and I don't like catfish— it's plenty of catfish around here, it's plenty of tilapia around here. But guess what? I found one place that I will drive across our way to go get a piece of red snapper, because even though it's plenty of fish only that one place got that red snapper that Miss Mason needs. So I'm just saying. So that's all I had for you guys today, my singles. What is this? Oh, the iPad. Goodness, I'm like, what is this dinging? But that's all I have for my loves today. As I was sitting here, I'm so excited about my upcoming trip, um, and trips actually. So my son and I, I'm sending off for his passport because his graduation present is a— he want to go to Johannesburg, so his mom going to take him to Johannesburg for his graduation present. So I wanted to share that with you guys about making sure you don't hold off on finding love because you have children. They need to see a healthy relationship. They need to see a man treating a woman right. They need to see a woman treat a man right, respecting him and honoring him. They need to see that because we're constantly raising a generation of 'I don't need a man' type women. We're constantly raising men that says, 'You know what, I don't want no gold digger, loudmouth, always trying to control type of woman.' Everybody's not like that. But when, when you live in a society, it's very hard to operate from an individual standpoint. You have to look at it as a whole, and as a whole What we've gotten in relationship, especially in the African American community, is not— excuse me— is not the best light, um, is what we've gotten. I hate hiccups. We haven't gotten that. So we have to look at it as a whole. Well, I ain't like that. Well, I— we don't know you, but we have to look at it as a whole. Of course everyone isn't like that. That doesn't identify me. It's always so funny when I say something on social media and someone said, well, that's not me. Well, I wasn't talking to you. I'm talking as a whole. I don't know you, but as a whole, we have to look at what's really going on. And we are a society driven toward just being independent, being without each other. That's what we are. Oh, just that my daughter needs to see that. At age 7, she said, Daddy likes to lie to you all the time. See, they know. They know. We say, how can I date with my grown daughter and her baby lives with you? Actually, I live with my daughter. Uh, I had to have surgery and my daughter talked me into coming back here, right? And so I came back here and I told her, okay, I'll give you 6 months after I heal. And so she's like, well, my 6 months came in June. She's like, mama, why you got all these apartment guides? I said, because my, I'm healed. My My surgery is in November. I gave you 6 months like I said, and I'm healed and I'm good, right? And she says, okay. So she started looking kind of funny. She's like, well, Ma, can you at least stay after the holidays? And I'm like, you know, she said, because you know the baby's got so accustomed to, um, to come into your room, right? And, um, I said, yeah, I said, but I'm ready to go. She's like, Mama, just, just promise me you'll stay till after the holidays. So the holidays are gone, and actually I went out this weekend looking at different apartments. So my daughter doesn't live with me, I live with her. She's 22, she owns the house. And see, for us, we don't have a problem if even if they were in the house with me because we're a very family-oriented type of family. And only, well, a lot, not almost say only, but the black community is the only one that I know of that really make it look bad if your kids stay with you or you stay with them. Them. Whereas my friends, my Filipino friends back home, and Vietnamese friends back home in California, and my Hispanic friends, it's not a big deal to them because they all stacking their money, right? It's only us. So even— so I've dated here, you know, it's not— I don't have to have anybody come to the house because unless you, unless you doing it like that and you him, whether I'm at my house by myself or with my kid, you're not coming to the house anyway until I feel comfortable with that. So yeah, actually, that's part of my empty nester journey. And part of the new series that we're filming is me going out and finding my own apartment because this will be the first time that I've lived on my own at 41 years old. So it's definitely changing my life. But my daughter, she's like, when I was moving out in June, she's like, Mama, what you doing? I'm like, well, my 6 months is up, girl. I'm ready to go out and turn up. She's like, Mama, your turn up is like Hallmark Channel, you know, and some pottery and some some, uh, some, uh, painting some ceramic stuff. That's your turn up. I said, but I can turn it up in my house if I want to. So I stayed for my grandbaby because they wanted me here for Christmas, and we did Christmas as a family. Um, but now I told him, I said, all right, I'm out. She's like, well, did you find what you like yet? I said, I haven't found what I liked yet. I said, but there's a couple. And but then I had to— I told her, I said, you know what, Who said I had to live in Atlanta? Huh? I said, who said I had to live in Atlanta? I said, so as I'm going out on all of these vacations that I have planned, um, this month and at the top of next month, all through— was it February? I could decide what city I actually want to live in. I don't have to be confined to one place. I'm just saying. So to answer that question, yes, I can date even though I'm at my daughter's house, and it's by choice, not because I have to be. But we are okay with that because if I decide to go get a big house, guess what? She gonna rent out her house and be like, Mom, I'm coming over there with y'all, with you. That's just how my family, that's how my family is. So, uh, yeah, you know, some— somebody asked me, do you feel bad staying with your daughter? No, because no, that's not the, the reason. I said, the reason behind it is so I could heal from my surgery. And I did end up having some complications, which was a good thing that I was actually here. But, um, when I tell you that 6 months, when I, when I got to that June and the girls— she saw all of those apartment finder magazines in the car. She came in my room, um, excuse me, uh, Miss Mason, What you doing? I said, it's 6 months, so it's time for me to go. I'm healed. Just, just stay a little longer. I think she got used to that in-house babysitting, and when I do cook, I do cook. So, uh, I told her, you know, I, I'm leaving at the top of the year, okay? So they're gonna— it's gonna be an adjustment for them because it's always just been us, and it's also adjustment for me being in the house without having to have a big house, because we've always had between a 4-bedroom and an 8-bedroom house. I don't need that anymore. So it also says that you have to get comfortable in your skin, in your situation. Don't let anybody make you feel a certain way because you might be doing something that goes against the norm. No, we actually like being in the same house together. We actually all get along. We don't— there's no catty, that we don't do none of that. We did, you know, only thing that I'm not gonna miss is her coming in my room. Like, she came in my room Saturday and was like, Mom, I want to take you to breakfast. I want to pay for your time. Um, I need to have a business conversation with you. So she thinks she get coaching at any given moment about her business endeavors. Or my grandbaby will knock on my door and she'll say, sweetie had her door locked so I couldn't go in there and get in her bed. So I probably missed that. Uh, but other than that, it's going to be a little bit different. And my son, you know, he's going to college, but they decided, you know, it looks— if he gets in the college that he wants to get into here in Georgia, he's not even going to live with me. He's like, no, I'm living with my sister. My daughter made it okay. Oh yeah, he can, he can stay, he can stay here with me because we're just like that type of family. But you say, Eric, look like y'all have fun. Yes, we do. We have a lot of fun. So it doesn't make it feel like, you know, you live with your daughter, you living up— it's not a— not at all. And I'm glad I learned that from my, my, uh, Latina and Filipino and Vietnamese friends growing up, because I'm like, how y'all all live on the same block? And it was because they would stay in one house, everybody get their money up, get their credit right, and one by one they would go buy up the block. We're the only community that, that does not value that, because I got to have my own, I got to have my own. But at the same time, you struggling when you have, you know, your own. If you can have your own and you can afford it, fine, but don't do it for the sake of, I got my own house, I got my own car, I got my this, I'm a— yeah, but if you live in paycheck to paycheck and you don't have no money in reserves, you still broke to me. I'm just saying. So choose to date, choose to date, choose to not, um, choose to not Choose not to not date because of the kids, okay? Because it's so important for them to see a healthy relationship between a man and a woman. So even if you're having a hard time, put you to the side. Since you put yourself to the side anyway for the kids, put yourself to the side and say, you know what, my son needs to see what it's like for a man to treat his mama right. Treat her right. My man— I mean, my daughter needs to see what it's like for mama to treat her husband right. She needs to see that. So while you think you're doing them or protecting them by not dating— I want to, I want, I want to date, I don't want to date nobody or want to get married to after my kids go to school— you're actually hurting them more than you're helping them. So ask yourself this question: how are my children supposed to know for my single dads, because I got a lot of single dads here raising children. Ask them, how's my kid supposed to know how a woman should treat me if I've never shown them that? You can, you can only tell them. You only tell them. It's not hard to date with kids, Kelly. It's hard if you choose to make it hard. It was never hard for me to date with kids. It was more of me prioritizing what's important to me. And so now that I've done that, and I waited late, I waited late, I waited late, because I didn't come into this understanding until last year, the top of last year. Well, yeah, maybe 2015, somewhere in there, that it's time. So the same way that you are intentional about everything else, because to be honest with you, it's harder to go out there grinding it out, being a full-time entrepreneur, making it happen, than it is to go out on a date. Really? I'll take a date for a thousand, Alex, over, then over, uh, doing a conference. I'm just saying, it's all about you and what's important to you. Nobody's too busy. Nobody's schedule is just— that's just so overwhelming that they don't have time. It's always about priority. Always about priority. And also, I'll leave you with this: for those of you that don't want to date, but don't want to date seriously, or don't want anybody to get serious with you, even though I have kids and they just gonna have to accept that I have kids and I don't want to get married or be nothing serious, but you still want to date, then you need to be by yourself. Because what happens when a man and a woman get together and they start liking each other. Somebody's gonna want a commitment. If that's not what you want to do, go look for women that don't want anything. But what's gonna happen is those women are going to treat you like a number. And it's like, when they feel like dealing with you, they feel like dealing with you. When they don't, they don't. Unless you cool with that, then don't date anybody if you're not really ready for anything, because especially if you in 40-plus, it's this stage in the game. Most of us are ready for something. And if you still have school-aged children that you're trying to rear and make sure they're straight, and you're dead set on, I don't want to be in a relationship till after that, then you go join a group, the bingo group, or go out, go some meetup.coms, and you just get that companionship or that, that need for community with other people. Don't waste nobody's time because you'll be upset saying Well, why you— why are you liking me? I told you what it was. Well, that's what grown people do. They like each other. That's, that's what they do. They end up liking each other. Okay, so if you're not ready, if you're just dead set and you're not going to make any adjustments, leave other people alone. Which is that if the person dating you, you're dating, cares about you, they'll work with you. Yes and no, because nobody's going to sit back and wait for you to choose them. Them. Nobody's going to sit back and wait. Somebody that's ready for something, they're not going to sit back and say, well, let me wait, let me hold out and wait and see if when his kids get older, when her kids get older, if, you know, if we can work something out. No. My definition of working with you is you can make time for me in your schedule. If you can't, then that's fine too. I'll just go find somebody that can. So they can care about you, but guess what? Their, their needs have to come before yours. So I can work with you, because at first I had this thing where I wouldn't date anybody with small, small kids. Well, it depends on the man and how he handles those situations. Now, you know, if his kids are respectable and, and I, you know, I've made a few adjustments in there. But if you want someone to just accept you as is and say, you know what, I'll work with you, I know, you know, I know that you're not gonna make any time for me in your schedule, but I still like you I'm holding on to those few happy moments that we have. No, you go find you somebody that can give you what you need. Even though the other person might say, say, you selfish. I'm trying to get it together for myself, and that's fine, but what you're offering me is not enough. I value myself more than to take the crumbs. Okay, so you can work with someone, but don't work with them until, uh, to the point that that you get frustrated because you want more, but there's— they have all of these other things or reasons why they can't give it to you. But the time that you do spend is like off the charts, so you're holding on to that. No, go get— go get someone that could give you those moments all the time. Be okay with walking away. Sometimes we hold on to the crumbs because we're so accustomed to not eating. And when you're accustomed to not eating, anything is better than, uh, than nothing. So yes, you work with people, but I want you to always remember, you put yourself first and you, you evaluate. That's— dating is nothing more than collecting data. If I don't like how you communicate, okay, I'm taking mental notes of that. If I don't like the way that, you know, you— how you put me in your schedule, or— because I'm, I'm big on quality time. If I don't like that I may, um, if we've gotten that far, I may make a mention of it. But if not, it's just in the dating phases, I'm like, I'm just taking mental notes. And I don't have to tell you, okay, I don't like this, I don't like that. We're just dating. I can go find somebody else that will give me those type of things that can fulfill that need. I don't have to try to make somebody that don't have it in them to give it to me give me that. No. 'Cause if they love you, they'll work with you. They care about you. Yeah, they will, but they won't work with you more than— and put your needs over what they need just to say, 'I care about you.' And don't let anybody give you that guilt trip of, 'Well, you know, if you love me, or if you care about me, you will understand it. I don't want to date until my kids are grown. I enjoy you. I enjoy your company. I enjoy looking at you. I enjoy sleeping with you, whatever y'all doing. I enjoy all that, but I ain't ready for that.' Okay. All right, deuces. If, unless you okay with that. If you okay with that, I'm gonna pray for you. If you're not, don't make anybody feel bad, make you feel bad if you decide that's, that doesn't work for me. Okay? I'm quick to tell you, tell a brother, you know what, what you're offering really doesn't work for me, but I hope you find what you're looking for. Well, April, I'm just trying. And I said, you ain't doing nothing wrong. It just doesn't work for me. Okay, but, but I just really wanna— I just— and I get it. If I was you, I'd like me too, but what you're offering isn't enough. Now, if you would have caught me a few years back, I might have held on to these wonderful times that we're having, but I ain't that woman no more. And I deserve to have what I want and what I need, not the crumb. Is your book as powerful as talk? Absolutely. If you have not read my book, Broken But Not Bound, you can go to my website, download it. And for my ladies, if you don't have my Are You an Asset? 10 Keys to Being a Woman Who Brings More to the Table Than Her Appetite, you can download that too. Just go to AprilMason.com and click on the store. So Uh, yes, Johnny, to answer your question, all my stuff got nuggets, baby, and I always overdeliver. So love you guys, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, go, go. Have a wonderful day and get out there and get intentional about love.