Why Alpha Men Love Feminine Women

Trying to do something a little different, but we're in two locations this time. Last time we were together, so this time we're separate. So check— hold on.

Hey, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, man. So first of all, thank you so much for taking the time to have this conversation with me. It means the world.

You're so welcome. Thank you for asking me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, I, like I was telling you, I had the conversation with Stefan Loboskie on Thursday, and we talked a little bit about toxic versus nourishing relationships. We also got a little bit into, like, masculinity in its, um, nourishing form. And I thought it would be really dope to sort of balance the conversation by bringing you in because you're an expert on femininity.

You know, I'm not an expert on femininity. I'm an expert on being a woman. Okay, that's what I— that's what that is.

Because that's even better.

You know, I'm actually being a woman.

That's even better. So let me kind of give everybody the backstory on how I met you. Um, it's so— what's so amazing is like up until like a couple of years ago, I didn't even have like any social media.

Okay.

And, um, you know, so here I am on social media. I didn't— for— so for me, it's like that even— it's not even a medium that you actually meet people on, right? I don't even consider it for that. And I remember, um, I think I remember you chiming in on a live before.

Okay.

And I also remember like a lot of your followers, you had put a post out when you're talking about your health journey. Yes. And all of your followers just start, who are also, I guess, my followers too, started tagging me under your posts.

Oh, that.

Yeah, saying like, can you please talk to her? Like, she's on her health journey, she needs your help, reach out to her. And then I reached out to you and I was like, basically like, if you need help on your journey, let me know.

Right, right, right, right. I never knew that. I never knew they were tagging Dr.

Yeah, and so what I can say is that we talked initially and I sort of walked you through the initial phases and stages of transitioning to a diet that is going to help and heal you. And also talked a little bit about, you know, the things we were doing because we are doing different things but in a very similar space. Right. And, you know, I'll never forget, at the time I had a girlfriend, and I remember you invited me to a party. And as a man in today's society, like, I'm very careful, like, when I, like, get invited into, like, a beautiful woman's home for anything. So, like, when you invited me, I said, "Hey, look, I got a girlfriend." And for me, it was—

and see, and that's the thing, and I'm so glad we're having this conversation. For me inviting you, I wasn't even—

and I knew it.

I was like, okay, the doctor came through, you know, he's cool people, he's helped me on this journey, and I'm having a costume party. Actually, you know, actually what it was, everybody knows now I have a public figure image, but I'm extremely private. So I decided this was the first time. Now I'm 45 now, but, uh, that was what, last year? So I was 44. In 44 years, that was the first time I ever had any shindig at my home because I'm so private. So I only invited people that I felt had integrity, had character. And I'm one of those people that I don't fool with nobody ain't got nothing to lose, right?

Right.

Everybody that was there, it was more of my way of saying, you know what, April, in order to make new friends, you have to be friendly. And part of being a feminine woman is being open to receive and be open to, um, allow people into your space, but you choose the energy that you let into your space.

Absolutely.

So I'm very, very— yes, whoever said that— I'm very, very selective on the people. So I invited you because I appreciated you, because you didn't have to reach out. And not only did you reach out, you took me through a, um, we did the whole— what do you call it— intake. And I, I was expecting it, but then it made— it caused me to have to think think about why some of this stuff had happened and why I'm dealing with all this stuff. So yes, y'all, you know, the detox and stuff will be working. It's nasty. And let me, let me, let me help you real quick. It ain't right. I just started it again. It is so not right. Um, I did it and I appreciate you. So yeah, he said, he told me quick, I got a girlfriend. And I'm looking at my phone laughing like, Shawna, I don't want nobody trying to holla at you. 'Cause in my thing, I was like, "Youngblood, please don't, please understand. Mama ain't trying to holla. Mama just appreciated you. It would have been good energy to have you at the house." But that was all it was.

Yeah, but it's so crazy because like, it just tells you more about the society we live in today. Like, I have to say, I feel like I have to say something like that versus like who I am, because who I am is like, I heard this shit out of people, like, I'm essentially like a Southern gentleman.

Yeah.

So like, that's— me telling you that is not really in my repertoire, but it is something that I just think like you have to do today, like—

You're right. And you know what else? On my end, and I'm so— like I said, I'm so glad we're having this conversation. On my end, you and I talked the other day, and there was something that you said that stuck out that I said, we gotta say this. You got to say it because it has so been my life. And it was the part where, you know, when I talk to you, because I talk to Dr. about man stuff too. And we be having these conversations. So I be like, this is what happened with Shawdy. But here's the thing. Me being who I am, and you see how I was just so forthcoming with inviting you. When you saw the video, one of the things that you said when you saw the video of me talking about my health issue, you talked about how vulnerable I was. You know, you were just open. You were just, you know, you just let it be. Here's the thing that I have realized as a woman that's open, that's vulnerable, that's more on the free-flowy side, that does not, as you say, have to make a man earn all of this, earn my vulnerability. I'm just open and I'm like, hey, if I want you to come over, come over. If you're over at the house and I cook for you, we was hungry, so it wasn't that I'm trying to get some food for us. Do you want to eat? You know, that's what it is. And so what I find as the feminine woman, especially as an African American feminine woman, you said something the other day. You said most men, especially Black men, when they come across a woman that's just free-flowing and open like that, they either think she was a stripper or a hoe, or she trying to manipulate. And I've experienced that to where it's like, Okay, wait a minute. You compliant. You ain't checking my phone. If I don't call you, your behind out on a cruise somewhere. You ain't sitting around waiting on me. You are just like, just, okay, so what makes you so laid back? You know what you, what you trying to get? No, you don't need no money. You cool. You got your own stuff. So did you used to be a stripper or a hoe back in the day? Like, why are you just so fluid? Why are you just so, Um, you know, I guess the best word would be to be compliant. And so what it makes them do is run for the hills because they thinking I'm trying to get— I was trying to get something from them, not realizing a feminine woman is just this way. She's not one of those that is— she's not logical all the time. She's not questioning you all.

She doesn't have walls up.

She doesn't have walls up. Everything— it's like she has boundaries, but she doesn't have walls. And so when you come into her, her space It's like a safe haven. Anytime anybody come to my house, they never want to leave. Even my grown adult married children, it's like, ah, mama is just so zen over here because I create a resting place at my spot, right? And that's what it's supposed to be. It's that way for me. And if you're the man in my life and get to experience that, that's added bonus, but I do it for me first. So by you feeling the need to say, I got a girlfriend, and me doing inviting you because of my free-flowing openness, It's just very interesting of how we— how society had made us be.

Yeah, and I think the other part, just to add some context to the conversation, was that I think in many cases a lot of those men have dated women who weren't necessarily— who have had some trauma in their life.

Yeah.

And gone through some really bad experiences, and they're very consistent in dating that type of woman. So as a result, that type of woman will have a lot of boundaries up. And it would be very difficult to get to know her, to see her vulnerable side. And so as a result, when they come across a woman who is actually a woman who is very feminine—

yeah—

and they're uncomfortable because they don't know what to do with that type of vulnerability.

They don't. And what I find is this, okay, so we said the topic for tonight is why do masculine men— why alpha men love feminine women. And here's the thing, you have two type of— you have two type of—

repeat that one more time so they really get Okay, the topic for tonight, darling, is why do alpha men love feminine women?

And from my experience, it's— you get two versions, you get two types of those men. You get the version of the alpha man that is an evolved alpha man who can receive that feminine woman, or you get the alpha man who is instinctively by his makeup drawn to a feminine woman, but he does not have the maturity, or he never has evolved to know what to do with her. So he would love everything about her, but once she gets close to him, he'll run for the hills. I don't care if he's 26 or 56, that age don't matter. But women will say, well, wait a minute, if he ain't ready for nothing, why is he drawn to— you know, it's like, nah, a feminine woman is every man's type. Because of how it is instinctual, how she is instinctually. And it, it goes together, the yin and the yang, the negative and the positive. I said, but what happens is we especially— and I can speak now from more from the African-American community as a woman that have thousands of women that I coach and mentor— that I teach them how to be feminine women. And when I tell them, when you get back out here dating, just understand you might not be understood at first. You gotta— don't have to sift through. I said, because men are— alpha men are going to be drawn to that radiant vibrance of you, that free-flowing openness, because that's just what an alpha man is attracted to. But it's not guaranteed that that joker gonna be evolved enough to handle you, because he's used to the loud, busting windows out parts, going through your phone, controlling, combative, competitive, argumentative. He's used to that. He used to— you ain't telling me what to do. He's used to that. But when he comes across a woman that's compliant, meaning if he says, well, you know what, you want to go out tonight? Yeah, let's go out. Oh, it's just that easy? Do you need me to be a bitch? I mean, I could do that. I got a little Oakland in me. Do you need me to do that? And it becomes— it becomes weird to them. And I remember I was dating someone before And he said, he texted me, he said, "What are you doing?" I said, "Well, what are you?" How did I put it? He said, "What are you doing?" I said, "Whatever you want us to do." He texted back with, "Really?" Question mark, question mark, question mark. And I said, "Yes." He said, "Well, I guess we going to the grocery store." He said, "Well, I'm going to the grocery store." And I said, "Well, I guess we're going to the grocery store 'cause it's not where we go as long as I get to spend time with you." That joker ran for the hills because he didn't understand. She don't— she ain't trying to get me to take her nowhere, say, ain't spend no money. She just— she's just come— I keep using the word compliant because that's what brothers aren't really used to. Very interesting if he's not— if he's not an evolved alpha male.

Yeah, and let me chime in so I can give like sort of like— because I think a lot of times when sometimes when women hear the word like compliant or like hear like gender roles, they think that it is this whole submission process. Yeah, I have to lose me in the process of gaining— yeah, somebody who is healthy in my life. But it's not that, because what I, what I sort of look at it is like this: it is simply energy that is in alignment. And what I mean by that is, it's like this: women have not only estrogen in their body, but most people don't know that women also have testosterone, okay? It's just a smaller amount, okay? Men are dominant in testosterone, and they still have a small amount of estrogen in their body, okay? So we both have estrogen and testosterone. We both have masculinity and femininity. Only difference is, is that my foundation is masculinity.

Okay, right, that's your default.

That's my default. And the reason why my masculinity is so attracted to a woman's femininity, a woman who is truly feminine, is because it balances me in the energetic exchange. Meaning, meaning like if I were to date somebody who was very alpha female and who was very masculine, it will not work. It wouldn't work not because she's a bad person. It wouldn't work because I felt like she would be competing with me. It wouldn't work because energetically it just wouldn't feel good to me, right? So that's what's really important for women to understand. Like a lot of women— and I can say this because I have 3 sisters and I'm always giving them advice— a lot of them are saying that they want, uh, like an alpha male, but you can't want an alpha male and be alpha male-like.

Okay, so wait, hold on, say it again. You got to say it for the people way back here.

You cannot want an alpha male and be alpha male-like.

Okay, this is something that I have to stress all the time. I hear women say, um, because you know I have a dating academy and I teach my ladies how to date from a feminine place, and I often, when they first— they're new and they're coming in, it's like these men are intimidated. I'm like, okay, hold up, hold up. Alpha men are never intimidated. What alpha men don't want is themselves. They don't want a dude in a dress. And I said, it's interesting that my gay and lesbian friends they even understand the dynamic of the male and female— I mean, the masculine and the feminine. And so it doesn't even matter what, what, um, relationship style that you have. They understand it. Because the thing is, when a truly feminine woman— not a feminine look, not because you wear color pink, not because your hair is done, or not because, you know, your hips sit right, you know, all that's not feminine. That's a feminine look. I'm talking about a feminine embodiment. Right. So what happens is alpha women think that alpha men are impressed with their degrees, how much money they have, of what they've accomplished, um, what they drive, you know, where they live. And all those are wonderful things, but those are not the things that lock in or attract an alpha male. Because the thing is, he likes those things about you, you know, and I did a post that went viral that said, please do not address me as a strong, independent Black woman. It's not a compliment. And the reason for saying that was for two reasons: to help men stop calling us strong and to help women to stop calling themselves strong. So I say use the word, I'm resilient, I'm interdependent, and I'm self-sufficient. And I, you know, the thing is, women think that those alpha men want that other piece, but I was like, no, alpha men like more interdependent women. They like to be needed. You know, they like to feel like they're wanted. They, they want you to have a backbone because women associate femininity with weakness. And you know, you got to submit. But here's the thing about feminine energy when it's around masculine energy, it flows. Anytime I'm around a masculine man, I'm just— it's just like I always say, it's like they're the knight and I'm the princess. So I don't have to try to let me make myself submit. My energy, that feminine energy, it's connected with its missing piece. And you just be like, I wonder, honey, what you— and you just feel just all ooey gooey. So you don't have to try to submit. So when people start getting into that, it's like you're not in your feminine energy, because we welcome a masculine man. It's like we can spot an alpha masculine man, dude.

What?

And we already know what buttons to push. We know what he likes. We know that coyness. We, we know he likes that girliness. He— we know he likes He likes us to ask for his advice. Honey, I need you. He— we know, feminine women, we know that. And the thing is, we don't feel less than for doing that because that's who we are. We're receivers. Even our private areas are made for us to receive. And it's like, okay, we free-flowing. And when you around that— okay, this is the April Masonism. God forbid he got some muscles. He got the muscles. And he— when he walked in, he walked in like I own —and you'd be like, yep, that's my man, stop playing. Y'all don't mess with me because Daddy gonna get you. But that feminine energy allows you to lean back, right? And most women are leaning forward. They don't even know how to go on a date and enjoy the moment without trying to figure out if he the one, because they're always— masculine energy is logical, always in the head. Women need to get into the feminine and start feeling. Right, and get into the heart.

So yeah, and I think that's a really important thing is because, you know, and you sort of hit— hint to it, like masculinity and femininity is not about gender roles, and people think that it's about gender roles. Gender roles is a whole separate conversation that you got to work out between you and your mate. Yeah, yeah. But like what we're talking about is masculine and feminine energy, which you use to not only attract somebody but also using that energy to stay in flow and alignment with somebody, right?

And that, and that goes— when you get in alignment with you and that energy, it don't just play out in relationships. You become more creative. Um, I taught a course called The Feminine— Becoming a Feminine CEO. You make more money when you in that flow. Ideas and creativity just come. But when you're always in the— and now here's the thing though, uh, Dr. You know that most women are in the masculine 98% of the time, 98 to 99% of the time, every single day. Yes. And the reason being, for y'all that don't know and think, you know, Ms. April, I get up, put my makeup on and get my hair and stuff done every day. I'm feminine. Uh-uh. That's a look. This is why you're not really feminine in your feminine energy. At your job, you're logical. You're thinking. You are managing, you're fixing problems, you're ambitious, you are in that competitive role, right? Right. That's not feminine energy. Now we all have to have that. I, I have that. I've been an entrepreneur for 18 years, but what I had to do was not make that my default. I had to come back and make the feminine the default and pull out the masculine energy when I am in business. But even still with that, I still limit that, but it's there. You have to use that masculine energy, you know, you're protecting yourself, you know, but you don't want to be so feminine that you don't know how to be assertive. Absolutely. So most women, they're not in that because they got to take care of the kids, they on the go, I got to do this, I got to do that. They always moving fast and doing all kind of extra stuff, so they're really not, right?

And I mean, and that was a good point because like People need to understand, like, certain actions that you're taking, you can either make the choice to take that action in feminine or masculine. Yeah. But the action in and of itself could either be feminine or masculine. And to give an example, like, decision-making is a masculine act. Yeah. Okay, and let me sort of break it down to give you an example where women will really understand it, and then men will understand it too. A woman will always ask a man his opinion. You know, she's choosing out lingerie, she'll say, "Red or white?" If she's deciding what to cook, she'll say, "Hey, what do you want to eat? You want to eat this, that?" When a woman is asking a man a question like that, a decision-making question like that, what she's asking him to do is be in his masculine.

Yeah, honey, what you like?

Do you like these? She can make the decision. She already knows she like red. Yeah, she already— she can make the decision. Like, that's the easy part. But what she's asking you to do is live in your, your— in your masculine as her man so that she can make you a part of this process, right?

And let me clear this up because I see them, I see the questions coming in and I see what they— where they're heading. Let me help y'all real quick. All right. Some of you ladies will say, cause I hear this one on the regular, but Ms. April, men have gotten out of position. I've had to be a single parent. I've had to do it all by myself. And there's nobody taking the lead. Let me help you real quick. Just because someone is out of position, it doesn't mean you get out of position. Exactly. You seldomly hear a single father say, I'm mom and dad, but you will always hear a single mom say, I'm mom and dad. What a single father does not do is get out of his masculine position, but what a single mother will do is get out of her feminine position. How did I learn this? I learned this— now, you know, my children are grown and married now, but the old— the younger two— William was in the 11th grade and Corey was in the 9th, and that's when I really started getting into this, this work of, you know, something was off. I went through this big breakup. I had to call off the wedding. I'm like, I can't do this because I can't be in my feminine you know, with this. So, and then Creator started taking me into this work. And I remember my sons, by me sitting back, leaning back, and being in that feminine, I watched my son's masculinity rise. Mama, you need anything? Okay, I just took the garbage out. I didn't have to start asking them for anything. They started doing on their own, and they started making sure I was good. Um, they wanted to make sure they protected and provided for me. I also— ladies, y'all not gonna like this one— I stopped yelling. And when I stopped yelling, I watched my sons just totally like, now say something to me if you want to, because they view their mother as a soft, gentle, little delicate woman. I did a study some years back, asking men of different races to describe their women. The only race of men that described their women as strong was Black men. And I get why, but I always— and fellas, if you listening, listen and hear me, hear me well— stop calling women strong and independent. I want a strong, independent woman like my mama. Quit it, because this is what happens. Let me ask you this: if you have some luggage and you needed help with your luggage, what instinctively, what animal would you think of to help you carry the luggage? I asked a friend of mine this the other day. He said immediately, "Oh, an elephant." I said, "Why?" He said, "Because it's strong and it can handle it." I said, "Okay, baby." I said, "Why didn't you think about a rabbit?" He said, "Well, why you playing?" I said, "But why didn't you think about a hamster?" You know, "Why you didn't think about a little rat?" "Because it can't carry it." I said, "Baby, that's my point." When the more women call themselves strong, the more they put themselves out of the area, the circumference of getting some help. And the more men call women strong, they're not thinking of you as somebody delicate, somebody that needs to be protected, somebody that needs to be provided for. So what happens is men— and it's not— I'm not blaming you because it's a subconscious thing— you subconsciously put extra ish on her back to deal with because you view her as strong. Understand, nobody comes to the rescue of the queen. Everybody comes to the rescue of the princess. Daddy's little princess. She rules. The queen gives orders. Doesn't mean she's not feminine, but the queen is more in the masculine. But let something happen to the princess, somebody coming to help her. Why? Because normally princess is laid back, you know, she's a little damsel in distress, but yet she's still able to make moves because, you know, that doesn't mean she's, uh, incompetent or stupid or anything. It's just she knows, I don't have to carry these bags.

You don't have to carry that burden, right? Somebody wants to assume that burden for you. Yeah, exactly. Somebody who's more well-equipped and who's going to be happy to do it.

Exactly. Yeah, exactly. And I think that's the beautiful thing.

Like, the example I always tell people is like My grandparents were a great example to me, man. Like, I remember my grandmother going out of town, and my grandfather was home by himself without my grandmother. And my grandmother cooked 3 times a day. Like, she was a stay-at-home mom, all that kind of stuff. And I remember, like, after my grandmother got back, my grandfather was like, You ain't going out of town without me.

No, I know that's right. Wait, somebody, somebody said, so you teaching grown women to be princesses? See, this is what I'm— this is the mindset that I'm talking about, baby. I done spoke over your head. It's not teaching grown women to be princesses, it's teaching grown women how to lean back. Because baby, just everybody ain't a queen. Y'all, a lot of y'all been fooling yourself. Everybody doesn't operate in queendom. But at the end of the day, the point is, baby, that the more you are in that masculine role of I'm her, I'm the queen, I'm this, watch your life and watch why you get mad because don't nobody come to your rescue. You can have the queen and the princess, which is the masculine and the feminine. That's what we're talking about today. However, most women, especially in the African-American community, operate from the masculine queen, ruling it, running it. Controlling it, being, um, combative with it. You know that all of that, we don't need all of that all the time. It's a time and place for that. So I'm teaching grown women to understand, to balance, and get your default back to being the feminine and not the masculine. Because I believe that— now, but Dr. Bobbi, you know, um, I believe when men, heterosexual men, follow women, and if women get in alignment Here y'all come. We got to get into the alignment. We are the temperature in the room, not the thermostat. The thermostat can be changed. I'm controlling the atmosphere. And when women understand that power that they have, not only does it work, you know, with the type of men that you want— and we definitely got to talk about that because you said something the other day that, um, women, they have the idea of the type of man that they, that, that they want, but they have not become the type of woman that a that attract that kind of man. And I call it giving a cat dog food and wonder why it's not tasty.

Yeah. Um, and the other thing I'll add to that, just to add a little bit more clarity— I always like to give examples. I had a friend, um, she owned her own company, had her own house, own car, um, very educated, yada yada yada. And she kept asking me, why do I keep attracting what she called f-boys. I really hate that term because it's very derogatory, and I think a lot of women put all men under that umbrella when the relationship doesn't work out. But we'll just call them fun boys. Okay, okay. And so she was like, why do I keep attracting fun boys? And I say, you keep attracting fun boys because you're masculine. And fun boys are feminine. They're not feminine in the sense of like— typically when people say a man is feminine, like, people think that he's saying, uh, the person is saying that he's gay. No, I'm saying they're feminine in their energy. They're seeking to receive instead of give, you understand? Like, they're seeking to be nourished only by you and nothing in return. They're seeking all of the energy that they would actually seek from their, their mother. They actually have what's called an Oedipus complex. They may even be in love with their mother, so typically you call him, uh, a mama's boy. Now, in many cases, this doesn't mean that this is a bad person, because if it works for you in that case, then it's great. But if you want an alpha male and you're wondering why you're attracting all the fun boys or f-boys or whatever you want to call them is because masculine energy will attract that kind of dude if that dude is heterosexual. You understand? Like, if he's heterosexual, he's gonna look for masculine energy just in a woman.

And so, and that's when women get mad because like, he look— he asked me to go 50/50 and half on the bills. Here's the thing, let me— drum roll please. Some of y'all gonna get mad, but I gotta I said alpha men don't be looking for you to pay half the mortgage, half the car note. They don't be looking for you to do that. That's a different kind of energy. Masculine men— and correct me if I'm wrong— are looking more for the energy of the woman, how she inspires him, how he feels when he's with her. He's not concerned about, you know, can she pay half the mortgage. Now, Tom Smallheart, she's a— if she's a feminine woman, that means she's a creative woman. That means she know how to— she knows how to attract money. She don't chase it. So it ain't saying that he just do everything. No, what it says is alpha men don't look for that. Now, there are the other kind of men that a lot of you are running into that are looking for you to go half on stuff. That's a different kind of man. You can't lump those guys in with alpha men because alpha men don't— they don't do it because normally those guys especially if he's evolved, he got his stuff pretty much together. So he's— the only thing he's missing is that other part of him, which is that feminine essence that he does not have. So when you get— when you constantly keep meeting men that want you to pay for everything, and we got to go 50/50, and we got to go all of that, it's only because you are the masculine energy. You are more of the dominant energy. Because once again, even in relationships that are not heterosexual, there is the masculine and the feminine. Yeah, always, always.

I mean, I have both. I, I know lesbian couples. I also know like some gay dudes. And you always, in 80 to 90% of all those relationships, there is a masculine and there's a feminine. With lesbians, it will be a feminine female, and then there will be a stud complement to them. Same thing with men. There will be a gay man who is looking for a man he hopes that isn't even gay, you understand? So like, even in homosexual relationships, they're still looking for that same energetic balance, right?

So somebody said, well, what part of that is ego? It has nothing to do with ego. It's just how we are wired. It has nothing to do with ego. It has nothing to do with something that's conjured up. Why do you think Um, when— put it like this— when Denzel come across the screen, the women be like, I want me a man like Denzel. It's the masculine energy. Because first of all, Denzel ain't like fine fine like that, right? But he exudes this masculine energy that makes you say, I'm protected, he got me, I'm provided for. Idris Elba gives it to us, Sean Connery gives it to us as well. So it's not an ego thing, it's about just what it is. And a lot of women don't understand because I'll sit back and I'll hear them talking and I'm like Oh, I can fix your problem real quick. Well, I want a man that's like this. I said, see, here's the issue, sis, and you, you got to be willing to do it. Based upon the type of men that you say you want, you have to become the type of man he would be attracted to. And if it's not natural for you to do, that's fine too, but don't complain about what's not available to you, okay?

Yeah, because I, I think— not to interrupt you, but I think what happens is, because it kind of leads me into like this segment I wanted to go into. Like, I think there's a lot of unrealistic expectations out there. Yeah, like, yeah, I talk about this all the time with my homegirls and my sisters. Like, when I hear their expectations of what they want in the dating scene, I'm like, you're looking for Superman. I mean, like, when you think about, like, let's say for instance you're a Black woman and you want to date a Black man. So that's it, that's one criteria. You want him to be over 6 foot, okay? You want him to be from the hood but with the heart.

A corporate thug, a corporate thug.

You want him to make six figures, and you want him to be kind, gentle, and also be able to talk to him like your homegirl. And, uh, and your dude is not your homegirl. But what I really want to say is, and what's really important, is is because women are so beautiful in their ability to imagine things and be creative. They kind of walk away from what the real numbers are. And let me give you some real quick numbers. Okay. Only 14% of the American population of men are over 6 foot. Only 14%. So now remove the gay men, just in case you're not cool with dating somebody who's bisexual. So if you want to remove those, you can remove those. Remove the men who are in prison. Yeah. Okay. Also remove the men who are jobless. Okay. And then remove the fun boys. We'll talk like, just based on that criteria alone, you're down to like 2%. Okay. Yeah. And so like a lot of times what I'm telling women is like, oh, he was perfect, but like he was 5'8". I'm like, so you're telling me he had everything else but he was 5'8" and that's a problem with you?

Now that's one that I deal with all the time. My kids laugh, they'd be like, Mama, you only 5'3", but I swear you meet the two— you, every dude you meet is over 6 foot, 6'5", 6'8". How do you be— I don't, I don't know. I'm a little— maybe two little people don't want to be with each other, I don't know. But I'm with you on that. I was at one of my favorite places about a year or so ago, the St. James Live over in Camp Creek, and I saw the most beautiful couple. He had to be my height, might have been a tad bit shorter than me, but his wife was about— I would give her, because I come from a very tall family, so I would say she's about my mom's or grandma's height. She was about 5'10". And he had to be my height. When I tell you they were on that dance floor, he owned it, he owned it, and she was just, and I'm like, wow, you know. And I took pictures of them to show my Academy ladies. I said, see, y'all over here complaining because I remember I had a couple Academy ladies that was like 5'2", and I said, well, how tall he got to be? I need a man at least 5'11". Girl, what?

5'8" is tall to you?

Yeah, I'm like, saying, I said, I'm only tall in my mind because I always tell people Kevin Hart and I are the same height. I just look a little bit taller because I got longer legs. I said, but in my mind I'm like 5'8", 5'9" because I come from a tall family, so I'm used to looking up. I said, but you won't date somebody not because, not because you come from a tall family and you used to looking up, but because I just don't feel safe. That was, that was, that was the, the, uh, her excuse. I don't feel safe, um, and I just don't— I want to wear my heels and all of that kind of stuff. So, and I noticed on the dating sites, because I'm writing a new, a new book on online dating, right? And so I put myself on a dating site and I said, oh, the Polo Fellas, because I'll see a lot of I'm 5'6", I'm 5'8", if since that matters so much. I'm like, oh, somebody's been— some folks been saying something. they swiped right on you and thought you was cool.

I think it's tough because like, I don't know anything about like the online dating scene. It's just not for— that's like not for me. So like, but I think today one of the biggest issues is that we've never dated this much. I mean, like, in terms of like a time, like people have never dated this much. Like people will go out on 20 dates in a month. I mean, 10 dates in a month, 5 dates in a month, and I'm talking about with different people. People are literally on websites, on social media, swiping as if they're buying clothes, looking through people like that. And so I think because of that, it sort of devalued the whole process of actually getting to know people. And also not only getting to know people, because getting to know people is just knowing facts but getting connection with people. Like, people have totally microwaved that step and stepped beyond it and stepped outside of it. And as a result, I think that's why the dating scene— people say, you know, like, there's so much tension between men and women who are saying, you know, men are saying there's no good women out there and women are saying there's no good men out there. And I'm looking like No, I know good men and I know good women. And so like, I'm just trying to figure out what is the disconnect. It's like, you got this. It's two things.

One of, one of those things is, and for all my very handsome and my very pretty women, people that are considered attractive have short attention spans. They won't— you won't mess with them too long If you— it's like, oh no, you did something wrong and I'm out of there because they got options. And number 2, people do not— people are afraid to let the wall down for someone to actually get in to see who they really are. And I want— on the dating site, I can give you all of this and I can go out with you and everybody want to do what? Hookah? What is the hookah? Go get drinks? You know, that basic, basic stuff. Stuff, right? And so it's interesting because I have two of my clients, they did the— what you just said, a bunch of dates. Well, one of them, she's a Caucasian lady, she said, look, I'm ready to meet my husband, I want to have babies before I'm 35. And she got very intentional. She got so intentional, she went on several dating sites, she went on 71 dates. Um, not necessarily all like full-fledged dates, yes, Not, not full-fledged dates, but, um, one of my other clients was her boss, and she, she asked her, can I extend my lunch to 90 minutes? So she did some meet and greets 71 times. On the 72nd time, she met the guy that she would marry, and she had her babies by the time she was 35. He was not her ideal as far as the way they look, but she was going by, you know what, let me see who treats me right. Let me see, you know, get beyond just the physical. The physical is important. Well, another one of my clients, um, actually getting ready to go to her wedding, she went on 32 dates in what, 32 days, in a very short amount of time. But she's been with the same man for 18 months and they're getting married. So, but this, now this is not for everybody. This, that was for the person, people that was like, look, honey, I'm, I'm, I have a goal in mind. Because here's the thing, we take control of every area of our life, but we do not take control of our love life. We will, we will be very specific and intentional about the car we want to drive, the house we want to live in, the college we want to go to, when we want to have kids. But when it comes to love, we kind of just leave that up to, well, maybe, you know, God sends me somebody. Well, hell, did he send you the car you driving, or did you go get it? Right. You know that, you know, did he send you the house or did you go drive the neighborhood and said, this is what I like and so this is what I'm going to get? You ain't consult God on that. But when it comes to matters of the heart, everybody want to be sitting around waiting. And ladies, get your behinds out the house. Nobody's coming to save you. They don't deliver men by UPS. And now the UPS and FedEx man be looking cute when they be dropping them packages off, but unless it's gonna be him, get a life. And a lot of women, they're not meeting people in a normal way because they— kids, school, church, home. Yeah, kids, school, church, home. They have no life. So what happens is you don't need nobody, you don't have nothing that you're doing. So what better way to meet people than get a hobby and you find people in that network of people that you like doing stuff with and you meet somebody. But you can't be online swiping left and swiping right and then you mad because they ain't turn out. Look, it's a lot of my clients are getting married and even doing COVID and they met their— most of them met their mates online. My godmom who live around the corner, she met her husband on Plenty of Fish. One of my best friends met her husband on OKCupid. My cousin met his wife on Black Black People Meet, everybody's still married. So it's a platform, but you don't stay on the platform. Yeah, so you can meet people.

Yeah, not for me personally, but yeah, um, I understand. Because the other thing I'll add to that is just giving women some advice that I think all men would give advice is learn how to be friendly. Mm-hmm. Because, like, you know, it's funny, like, I've, like, like, I'm a nice person. Like, I speak to everybody, and I've met somebody out, like, like, maybe let's say we're in the line, like, to get food, and I'm like, I'm like, oh no, you can go forward. And then, like, I've met somebody, literally met them out, and they were so unfriendly. And then, like, let's say for instance, like you know, I'm at a, like, an event, and they'll be like, hey, how you doing? Like, I'm like, I met you before.

You were mean as hell. You ain't the same person.

Like, you were mean as hell. So I would definitely give that advice because a lot of people have that sign on their forehead, like, fuck off.

Yeah, my daughter calls it the resting bitch face. That's what my daughter calls it.

Yeah, so like, That I think that, like, I always tell, like, all the kids I mentor, like, when they're frustrated and they don't know what to do, I always tell them the first thing you need to do is change your body language. Yeah. And I think, like, that's so important, like, changing your body language, because, like, I think a lot of times, because sometimes men could be disrespectful, women condition themselves to just say, "Get away," to everybody. Right. So, and that's exactly what's going to happen. You're going to repel everybody, right?

And I see a lot of the women asking me, Sabra, where do you meet men other than online? I, I, before I tell you something, I, I did write a list of 5 things to help women be more feminine because I, I like to give—

and if you can go into that list because I think we have like 5 more minutes. Okay, because you know the live on IG shuts down after an hour, so I'll let you go ahead and go into that list, the list of how do you become more feminine for the purposes of attracting more masculine men. And when I say more masculine men, the type of masculine men you want. Yes.

So before I answer your question about that, please, this— there's a disclaimer. Now I have a course called 50 Great Places to Meet Men. It's on aprilondemand.com. But even though I give you these places where you can go meet men, if you do not carry the feminine energy with you, ain't nothing gonna work for you. So I can give you all the great places to meet men, and my places are very unusual places. But if you're not gonna do, you know, the other pieces, you'll be like, Miss April, I did do that and nobody said nothing to me. Well, were you friendly? You know, so there's a prerequisite. So number one is surrender and stop needing to take charge and control of everything and everyone around you. Be okay with letting go. Number 2, be aware, be present, and in the moment. Get out of always— like, if you're sitting there on a date with somebody, you just got to be fidgety, you know? Or if you're out and you can't just sit at the park, you got to pick your phone up, but you got to be just doing something. Learn how to live in the moment. Stop overthinking. Get out of your head and into your heart. This— the day of being unbothered is over. It's okay to be bothered. You, you respond to that, but you don't react to it. It's okay to be bothered, um, but this whole unbothered, cancel, I'm done with it, I don't take time to grieve culture is killing you. Number 4, be vulnerable and ask for help and believe you are deserving of help. Ms. April, every time I ask people for help, they don't do it because you don't believe you're deserving of help. Okay, um, and number 5 would be to slow down. Why are you walking so fast? Why are you moving so rapidly? Or why are you in such a hurry? Hey, hey, hey! I say that last one because this is the assignment from Ms. April for y'all. The next time you go into the grocery store, tune in to number— what was it? To number 2, and be aware. And look how fast you're walking. Look how fast you're pushing the buggy. And then number 2 to that, ask yourself, Why am I in such a hurry? If the kids are OK, if you ain't got no kids, you don't have nowhere to go, there's nobody waiting on you. Why am I in such a hurry? And then I'll add this last one. If the bagger at the store asks you, ma'am, do you need me to carry your groceries? Say yes. I don't care if it's this box, because what that does is it allows you to put yourself in a position to receive help. Every time the man, the homeless man, asked me, can he pump my gas for a couple of dollars? I said, sure. The little man at Publix, uh, miss, would you like me to carry your groceries? It could be one little bag of cantaloupe. Yes, please. And I'll let him carry my groceries. So those are just some things that you can pay attention to to get on the journey of tuning more into your feminine energy.

Yeah. And I would say, like, if I saw, like, a woman, like, I was physically attracted to, and I saw her allowing the guy to come outside to help her with her groceries I would probably be more in tune to walk over there and say, "Hey young sir, you can go back in. I'll help with the groceries." Yep.

Oh see, and that would have been cute. And I would have— and if it was me, I would have said, "You heard the man. You heard the gentleman." But I'm a natural flirt like that, so I don't know.

Yeah, and what I'll do is I'll leave you guys with some advice, some big brother advice. Um, what's really important is to understand that when you're meeting a man, both of you may have your walls up, so it may take a little bit longer. So it's not going to be a microwave, it's going to be a— it's going to be a marination in the oven. Okay, you know what to do.

But, but to stop you, that point— let me finish, let me finish. Okay, my bad, my bad.

And but understand this, no matter what happens We always meet somebody who's crazy about us, right? Everybody got one person who is crazy about them. But the only thing is, like, in many cases, you're not crazy about them, so it doesn't work. But what I will say is, that's when you know it's right, when they're crazy about you and you are crazy about them. So— Yes. Please, please take that advice. The other thing I would say, get very realistic about where we're at now. In society. As I said before, like, if you can go to blackdemographics.com, there's statistics on there. These statistics are for us, but it says specifically, if every Black man married a Black woman today, there would still be 202 million Black women still not married. Think about that. If every Black men in America right now married a Black woman, there will still be 2 million Black women not married. And that's because more women— there's more women in the world than men. So keep in— keep that in mind when you have these unrealistic expectations of a person. Really look to connect with the person and see if you're in line with this person spiritually before you even start to go through that crazy checklist of yours. Which is basically a checklist for Superman. Um, please keep those type of realities in mind on where we're at right now in this current world, okay? And also know that, um, if you're a Black woman and you want to date a Black man, Black men love you. The statistics support that. 85% of Black men marry Black women. 93% of Black women marry Black men. So, um, we love you, we're waiting for you. We're just trying to figure out how do we get on the same page in alignment so that we can cohabitate, love, and grow, grow with each other. So we got 14 seconds. I really appreciate you. This has been really good. Go follow Miss April on IG. Follow her on April Mason. April Mason.