The Best Man: The Final Chapters: No new friends?

Hey, I'm Camille D. Jamerson, and this is Life at the Half, my midlife style podcast about shifting the over-40 crowd from midlife crisis to midlife clarity. Over the course of this limited season, Life at the Half will make you laugh, think, cry, feel, and it will inspire you to intentionally design this funky in-between queen season in our lives. Midlife doesn't know who it's messing with. We are Gen X, baby, and it's just halftime for us. There is still so much more game for us left to live. So let's figure out our next play together, okay? Here on Life at the Half. Welcome to Life at the Half, and I am your host Camille D. Jamerson. Today's episode was actually inspired by a series of movies called The Best Man, which started back in the '90s, and then it recently culminated with a miniseries called The Best Man: The Final Chapters. In case you aren't familiar, the initial plot surrounds a group of Gen X friends who grew up together, and now in their adulthood, one of the friends, Harper, decides to publish a novel loosely based on their lives. So the subsequent movie and then the miniseries takes us on this roller coaster of life with these characters through sickness, through fights, through death of a loved one, through divorce, through raising children, widowhood, remarriage, sick parents, aging, work-life balance. I mean everything. Um, and I found myself wondering if we as Gen Xers still have the capacity or even the inclination to nurture friendships like this. Like, if we didn't get them back in the day, Can we even do that, um, in this season? So when I thought about who I could chat with about this, our guest today was top of mind. Life coach, speaker, author, and entrepreneur Larry Thomas not only has the daunting, almost impossible task of being my coach, but he also has a core group of friends that are reminiscent of the best man experience. And I thought that we could certainly chop it up about friendships, where they fit once you've reached halftime, and Larry could kind of coach us through how to navigate all the landmines, you know, that can happen with that or any relationship. So let me tell you a little bit about him. Now, Larry is a certified life coach and owns the Larry Thomas Group with a focus on life, leadership, and legacy Larry works with clients who are looking to make changes in their lives, reach a higher level of success, and are willing to commit to the process to get there. His coaching style helps you articulate your intentions to go forward with confidence. Larry also owns The Inner Link, which is a collaborative design studio that develops designs, prints, and promotes for a variety of clients and industries to increase the reach of their business, organization, project, event, or brand. So guys, help me welcome my friend and coach Larry Thomas. Welcome to Life at the Hab, sir.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

All is well, all is well. So I, I take it, and I'm making a big assumption here, that you did see The Best Man and all of the subsequent movies and etc., etc., etc. Okay, that's the part you're supposed to say yes, Larry. You're supposed to nod in agreement.

Well, I have seen the movies. Um, I've started the series. Uh, okay, actually, here's the thing. I generally don't like to binge watch, but because when it came out, um, and other folks just gave me calls and said, man, you just gotta check this out, this is awesome, or from some people, This Is Us, I said, okay, I need to find an opportunity to where I can just stop, pause, kind of remove the rest of the things from my plate and just dive into that thing and enjoy it almost straight through without interruptions. So I, I've seen the first episode of The Final Chapters, but I haven't seen beyond that.

Okay, well, I won't give you any spoilers, but I mean, it was the same thing when I thought— when I saw it, I thought about you and your circle of friends, and I know what two of them outside of you um, rather personally, and I'm like, oh my God, this is so them. So when on the other end of it, you, you've got to circle back and let me know on what you think about it. But just looking at that group of friends, or, or even others, how do you define your friendships? I mean, what, what makes a person a friend to you, and, and what's the investment?

Wow, okay. I guess when I think of my friends, um, they're not all equal. So what I go in thinking in an effort to qualify them as a, you know, friend of mine is whether or not I value them at some level. And then I try to be as honest as I can with that level of value, and I go from there.

Hmm, so do you have different friends for different things?

Yes. Okay, um, explain the reason. Different friends for different things is because different friends have different skill sets. Different friends have a different perspective, so it may not be relatable, thus the conversation may not bear as much fruit or be as productive as needed in that time or space. Um, so If I am in a hangout mood and I know there are certain friends that that's their skill set, they're going to encourage me to enjoy life a little bit more than what my normal skill set is. And because I trust them as my friends, I know that they wouldn't look to put me in a situation that would totally take me off my grid or out of my comfort zone. But they are willing to make me uncomfortable so that I will enjoy it more than I normally would.

Nice.

We go from there.

Nice. Now, how important are your friendships in this season of your life? I know kind of growing up, kind of what, um, the role that friends play, but now we're 40, 50, um, years old. What, what role do your friends play now?

Jeez Louise, my friends are of the utmost importance to me. I'll give you an example. Uh, when the pandemic hit, a lot of people were thrown off their square, and it was challenging for a lot of people. Um, we were grieving, um, what I refer to on multiple levels, and a lot of people weren't even aware that they were grieving on multiple levels. So as a result you know, having some conversations with a couple of friends, we decided to just start a, I guess, a more formal or formatted Zoom conversation. We would meet every week, we would chop it up, just have good conversation, and these 4 men would just check in on each other to just, you know, see where we were, how the things were going, to laugh, to cry, to keep each other maybe updated on the other things we've heard from other friends. Um, just to keep everyone aware that you're not alone and there's some people willing to go through this with you. Um, and I know there have been instances where, as strong as I would like to think I am, or as strong as I've proven myself to be, there have been times that life has just taken me out or brought me down, and I've needed the support of others. And because I have friends that understand, I guess, the assignment. They know that when one of us is down at any moment, they have a responsibility as the friend to kind of slide in and see where they can be involved, um, and risk not doing it the way the person will receive it. Yeah, if everything was good.

Yeah, we're going to talk about risk more too. I'm glad you said that. Um, is it— has it been harder for you to maintain friends as you've gotten older, or easier?

Easier.

Really?

Yes, easier.

I'm surprised.

Um, well, I can't speak from other people, but I've had conversations and I know As men, the idea is we're challenging our communications, um, and then as men sometimes we're not willing to communicate, and then as men sometimes the things we do communicate may not be as in-depth as they need to be as it relates to helping us navigate this thing called life. I've been fortunate enough to be surrounded by a collective that over the years we've learned to be comfortable to have those conversations. And over the years, one may not have started this way, but as I said, over the years they've risen because of either their interactions with another friend or because the desire to be included in the conversations that have depth, that are— that have meat and they resonate, or they're meaningful, or they're timely. You know, um, whether it be, you know, single dads needing to have conversations where you get two of those guys together, and that conversation is very interesting when you talk about, you know, breaking down some of the perceptions of, you know, a man taking care of the child for the lion's share of the parenting, you know. So that's a fortunate conversation, and then for it to not be that father, to be in that room to hear what they go through, you then take in ideas that as their friend I become better equipped to, for lack of better wording, manage them in their moments. Does that make sense?

Yeah, it does. Now back to that, that question of, of risk. Honesty is so important and crucial in friendships, in any relationship. But particularly friendships, um, and it comes at a risk. How do you learn to become transparent with your friends, and how do you manage that risk? Or do you? Or, you know, is it just it is what it is and, and you are truthful and honest at the risk of hurting their feelings or ruining the friendship?

Well, I won't say it's necessarily easy. I'll say perhaps depending on the friends you associate with, you'll be given a, I guess, a green light to go forward, but you operate with a yellow, if that's fair to say. Meaning someone may say, hey, you can give it to me unfiltered. But as their friend, you know my version of that may not be what you will receive in this moment, especially if the moment is emotional for you. So I'll proceed under the idea of a caution. Um, I will be mindful. I have history with you. I kind of know you. And again, it's my responsibility to take care of you as your friend. So that means I'll be considerate in my words. Now, that's not to say there haven't been instances where that it's been mismanaged and, you know, the friendship, you know, lessened, or there was even a falling out. But the great thing about good friendships is that if you allow time to do what it does, and if you have others in that circle willing to advocate for the sake of the friendship, then over time, oftentimes the ones that fell out can come back together and reconcile and then move forward. Um, I don't know if it's a guy thing again, you know, but it's often said that, you know, guys can pick up a conversation after years of not seeing each other as if they never stopped talking, right? And I think part of that is maybe alluding to what you said that it is what it is in that instance, that I don't penalize you or require you to serve me as the friend on my cadence. I accept your friendship based on the opportunities you allow the friendship to exist. You may be busy and you may be my number one person and I desire more time with you, but if it's not there, penalizing you, one, is unfair in my opinion, and two, could perhaps put a wedge in the friendship that realistically doesn't even need to be there because you can't take away or penalize— or you shouldn't penalize someone for living their life because that's their first responsibility. With their husband, with their father? What if they're, um, you know, the job just requires that more time? What if they're going through something and need, you know, time away? They're not available. And as the friend, my job is to understand that and give them that grace and give them that opportunity to do their thing without saying it cost the friendship because I wasn't getting what I wanted from my friend.

Oh, okay. Now we're gonna take a break, um, right here, Larry, but I'm— we're gonna put Coach Larry to work a little bit. Um, uh-oh, here we go. I'm gonna give you the Camille D. Jamerson scenario, and then when we come back from the break, I want you to give me your thoughts on how I need to maybe shift or adjust. I am an absolutely horrible friend. Just to be— just, just putting it out there for the good of the group. I am a horrible friend. And the reason that I make that assessment is because almost what you just said, I don't think I give my friends what they need, and I'm judging that based on what they give me. Um, and so for example, um, my friends love to catch up over coffee and, um, let's chat it up and go out for this, that, and the other, and I rarely have the time or the inclination to do that. But if that same friend called me at 3 o'clock in the morning and needed to bury a body, or they were in the ER, I'm your girl. I'm your girl. So we're going to talk about that, um, when we get back from the break. Um, so you guys make sure you come back and hear what Coach Larry has to say about, um, what to do when your friendships are unbalanced. And we'll be right back. Life of the Half is sponsored in part by the award-winning firm CDJ and Associates. With CDJ and Associates, bringing on a consultant to help pull your business together doesn't have to be overwhelming and stressful. Our firm is dedicated to bringing innovative, out-of-the-box creativity to every single project, creating dynamic, doable solutions for every client. Our unique expertise in branding, PR, communications, and strategic planning will catapult your brand into brilliance and boost your bottom line. Contact our squad of gladiators today at info@cdjandassociates.com. Again, that's info@cdjandassociates.com. And welcome back. We are here with Coach Larry Thomas and we're discussing friendships. And before we went on the break, I gave, uh, Coach my scenario as to how I think I am a horrible friend because I don't know that I really give my friends what they need unless they're in a crisis or an emergency situation. That's kind of where I shine. So if they find themselves in ER, or like I said, they need to bury a body or something, I'm your girl. But that whole high-maintenance coffee and hanging out type of friendship, I don't do well in that area. So I am leaning on Coach to give me an idea of how to better manage that and how to really um, salvage the friendships I have, um, to be a better friend? What you thinking, Coach?

Okay, um, it's an interesting scenario you painted. Let me ask this: do you have friends?

Wow, that's a good one because, I mean, right off the cuff I would say yes, but it's like you have different friends for different things. I've got my business friends, my friends like family friends, my friends from way back friends, my friends from Pershing. I've got like clusters of friends.

Okay, so you're able to maintain clusters of friends, so that— I'm going to assume that's a lot of them, correct? Okay, okay, it's a lot of them. Um, and they would consider you their friend?

In most cases, yes.

Most cases. Okay, so of a lot of people of the clusters that you associate with most of them would say that they would call you their friend.

Friend, yes.

And your question is, how are you a bad friend?

My question is, how can I be a better friend? I really think that in a lot of cases my friends need more of me and I don't have any more to give.

Did they say that?

No.

So that's you.

You were gonna go there.

Yeah, I mean, I mean, I'm just trying to understand maybe where you're getting this from, um, because if you create the idea that you're less than, then I think that is the answer to your dilemma. Stop thinking that and you will be the better version of the friend because you think highly of yourself and you won't be walking around thinking perhaps you're letting them down by being the friend that you are. You stated multiple times that, hey, this isn't what I do, but this is what I do. And I'm sure they know that's what you do. And beyond or besides the bury the body, um, example, I'm sure they rely on you for those moments when there's a high sense of, of, of chaos, or yeah, you know, when the chips are really down, they can depend on you for the, the occasional things that really causes our lives to turn upside down, perhaps.

Yeah.

Versus the day-to-day things.

Yeah.

Because I think you said the reason is you don't have time and that's really not your thing, right?

Okay.

Here's the— here's, in my opinion, if that was your thing, then perhaps the thing that is your thing wouldn't be your thing.

Oh, what I'm afraid of is that I totally understood that. It's like, it's like, oh no, am I talking Larry now?

If you were someone else, yeah, yeah, you wouldn't be who you are.

That's right.

You're valued to your friends because of who you are, right? Not necessarily what you do, but who you are. What you do is who you are in the situation, but until that situation presents itself, that, that part doesn't need to show up. You just need to be who you are, because they can depend on that. They don't have to make, um, present a lot of maintenance to it, right? You don't require a lot from from them for that, you haven't dissolved the idea of the relationship. Instead, you're sitting in the corner thinking you're a bad friend when you're one of the more reliable friends as it relates to if they went through the list of the reliable ones. Does that make sense?

Nope, that makes sense. Okay, so how do you manage the compare game within friendships, or especially like in your case, like the circle of friends? How do you manage comparing yourself to the other friend?

Or—

and I don't know if it's a girl thing or a guy thing where, you know, you feel some kind of way if this friend is in a certain position and you're not. I, I mean, that whole compare and contrast thing.

Well, I think by default or human nature, we, we do it. The extreme, however, could be where the challenge presents itself. But if you're running with a group or pack and 4 of the 5 are successful and you're the least successful, it's quite often you would think that, you know, one, do I deserve to run with the pack? Or, you know, do I even qualify to be with the pack? I think that's— I think that's normal. Yeah, but also in many books and speakers have spoke on it that you kind of want to find or run with people that are ahead of you so you'll have something to chase after.

After. Yeah.

Now if you're just sitting back chilling and having a pity party about the situation, then I don't think any pack would serve you well because you're deciding that you can create a, a picture in your head or an idea of who you are that's less deserving of, of, of earning what you earn. Um, in fact, one of the principles, or one of the ideas I guess I present to a lot of people, is you don't deserve anything, you earn it. So when people say, hey, I deserve to have just as much as my friends because those are my friends, then I'll look at them with a funny face and say, how so? Why would you deserve it?

You haven't— right?

And more importantly, perhaps that's not your spot. Perhaps that's not who you are in this equation. Perhaps where you are in your life is where you're supposed to be in your life, and that serves others. And I'm speaking from experience as it relates to my friends. There are times where I say, man, I'm not achieving at a level that I think I should be achieving that. And it's my friends who constantly remind me, hey man, you need to get off that. Because I can tell you without a doubt, what I've done in my life doesn't happen without you.

Wow.

So, wow, I can tell you a couple of ways. Well, you know, well, do it for me. That would be, I think, a little selfish because that's not what they do. Um, At the same time, I can rest on knowing that I've served my friends, my fellow man, and perhaps that is my thing. Perhaps I'm not this high obtaining, high level person anyway. And if I'm totally honest, I know I'm not because I don't care about that stuff. I care about my friends being okay. So that means maybe I am the cheerleader of the group. Maybe I am the guy that says, hey man, how you doing? How you feeling? And I think coming to terms with who you are and also where you are in life helps you navigate and deal with life better, because I think one of the most just disserving things we can do is resent where we are. Yeah, resentment could poison you in your mindset. It could poison you and how you interact. It could poison your perspective and your perception of the world around you. And you'll think you're due when the reality is maybe you just need to work a little harder. Maybe you need to be okay with someone close to you, such as your friends who you trust to be honest with you, to just tell you, hey man, 'You got this, you're okay, it'll come if you keep at it,' versus 'You should have it.' Yeah, yeah.

So there are probably people listening who are thinking, okay, you know, I'm however old I am and I really can't put my finger on, um, a couple of good friends. You know, I got acquaintances, as we call them, or colleagues, or um, you know, a couple of people that I run with or have grown up with. But if I really wanted to develop quality friendships at this stage, how would I go about doing that?

Ah, that's a great question. Um, initially I would have to ask, you know, what prevents you from allowing others to be that friend to you? Is there something in the way? Is there an idea that holds you up? Do you find yourself, you know, struggling with trust? Do you find yourself unwilling to be vulnerable with others? Do you feel as if your representative needs to be at the forefront more than who you really are? Whether it be because you're ashamed and you operate with a sense of, of, of, of I'm not enough, and as a result you're trying to prove. And then that's— they often misdiagnose because you're not telling them or showing them who you really are, and so they're going by that. There could be a lot of contributing factors, I think, but I think the most important one, or the one at the front, oftentimes comes down to the individual. And saying, do you really want friends? Yeah, because yeah, it's a hard— it's a hard thing. But you know, when you talk about relationships, I think if you look at the different type of relationships and then look at them as a way to serve as practice for the other relationships, you'll start to see who you are in those different scenarios. Example, The relationship I have with my son is a father-to-son, but it's still a relationship. The relationship I have with my friends, it's a relationship. But who I am, there's a, there's a rhythm or a common— and probably both of those, how I talk and try to deal with my son, it's very similar to how I talk and deal with my friends because I'm Larry. 24/7, right? Now, what the conversation may be is different, but how I think, how I go about it, what I would like to receive from both of those— I want from my son almost the same thing I want from my friends.

Wow.

I want them to trust me. I want them to know that I trust them. I want them to know that I will try my hardest to give them a safe place when they need me. Nice. Whatever it is, right? So if you're saying, hey, I'm struggling to find friends, one, are you seeking friendship? And to those that you have sought out and they're on, I guess, probation, do you offer them the authentic, true version of you so that they can feel safe with you? If not, perhaps there's some adjustment that needs to occur.

And I— and when you say it like that, I think one of the things that perhaps holds us back, especially at our age, quote unquote, is that friendships take work. You know, they're not going to just fall in your lap, and you have to be really intentional about nurturing those friendships and doing the work. And sometimes looking at the work that's involved in building friendships, I think, can be a turn-off if we don't look at the value-add of having the friendship, um, as kind of the reward for that. I can't back that up, but when you were saying that, that's kind of— because in my head I was like, ooh, that's a lot of work.

Well, that's fair, but yeah, remember when I said we don't deserve anything, right? Anything of a value you think you should have without putting in work, you think you deserve it. And I don't believe you deserve anything. So everything you're gonna get that's worth something, you're gonna have to work for it. Find me a scenario where you don't have to work for it to have it and to appreciate it. And perhaps that's the thing. Maybe we've gotten too fat and lazy on the fact that everything worth having requires some work.

Yeah.

Everything. And thinking this is a self-serve hookup, get it because you want it type of situation, I think that's very shameful on our part. And considering the age bracket that we're talking about, we should know better. We should know better. And that's the part that I think is, is rippling throughout our communities. We should know better. And as they say, oh, you know better than do better. We're right there as part of the answer. Where's the doing better? Yep. You want more friends, you want more solid relationships, be a better person in the relationship, but also be okay with the person that's not perfect in the relationship. And then perhaps we'll show the next group that comes after us that's how it's done. Because this idea that You know, especially in relation— well, I won't say especially, but oftentimes I hear relationships, oh, I'm one and done, and if I see a red flag, I'm out.

Yeah, okay.

Um, oh, if they do this, then you just need to go. Like, okay, but what happens if the next person does the same thing? You'll be running all your life, right? Perhaps you, you draw a line and maybe having a conversation, maybe in your misrepresentation of who you are, someone thought that wouldn't be a trigger for you. And as a result, they didn't know they were doing potential harm by activating this thing that really hurts you, that causes you to run in the first place.

Wow.

So, you know, I think there's a lot of conversation that we need to have, but I think the bulk of the conversation or the main part of the conversation is one we need to have with ourselves. We need to look ourselves in the mirror and be honest and say, hey, What are my intentions when I'm out here, you know, saying I want this and that, but then what I do for this and that aren't really matching up? And then I'm looking to find someone at fault, and it's generally not going to be myself because I don't want to present myself as in error or wrong.

Yeah, the villain.

This is your life. You can't absolutely be the villain or wrong in this scenario because The responsibility is yours. If I wrong you as your friend, it's my responsibility to apologize when I'm aware that I wronged you. It's on you to forgive me and give me an opportunity to reconcile and patch it up, but it's my responsibility to own it.

Yeah.

And say, hey, whether I'm on board and agree with the thing that offended you is irrelevant because this is about you. Sorry, what can I do to make it better? I mean, I remember when we were growing up, we were quick to say my bad, right?

And it— that was it.

That was it.

Yep, issue over.

Issue, issue over. My bad.

Yep. Oh, you want to eat?

Yeah, it was quick. It happened quick. And I think what we failed to realize is that We were hearing someone we cared about hurt us and then own it, and that removed the responsibility or the burden off of the, the one offended. Yeah, from thinking it's their job to patch it up without even being prompt to know that we're in a safe place to patch it up.

Yeah. Oh, that's good, that's good. So what do you think of the term no new friends? I don't, right? I mean, like, if somebody— you know your core, yo, yo, what is Fabia, right?

So if the core— yes, it's, it's, it's a good 5. It spreads out. Yeah.

And see, that's what I was gonna ask, that how does, how does someone get in that core or not?

Well, just as you said earlier, how you have different circles, I have different circles.

Okay.

Um, now does that mean someone couldn't penetrate and become a part of that core? Um, I guess that would depend on the conversation and how it's seen. Um, that core, there's a push, an ebb and flow to it, if you will. Yeah. Um, and you know, life kind of dictates or determines the consistency of the interaction and the intensity of the interactions. So is it open for someone else penetrating? Yeah, but because that particular court is built on certain things, that makes it harder for someone to penetrate and be considered that court because they don't have those things in common, right? We don't have the initial things that make that group the group. Now, if someone new was to come into the fold, then that group would exist over here as well with that person.

Gotcha.

You know, so I think that's kind of how it goes because, um, using that as the example, the new person— let's say it like this. In high school, there were 10 of us. As I said, I would be considered the nucleus, but all 10 weren't necessarily cool with each other, but there was a respect for each other. By being part of the grouping. So that didn't mean you're responsible and you were called to interact and, you know, be cool with someone you weren't cool with. You're only cool if the relationship developed and the two of you decided that there was a friendship beyond just the, the naming. So over time, that thing has changed— the rotations, the interactions, as I said. There's an ebb and flow, there's an intensity or frequency, location, proximity. Those things kind of contribute to, you know, those factors I just spoke of. Um, sometimes where you are in life could now make these two that necessarily weren't tight in high school now become tight because they have more of a common theme going on in their life in the moment. So I don't know if that's how it works outside of that circle. I, I know for us that's how it's worked, and it's worked and served us well. And so as a result, when we talk about our success, we speak about that to others, um, with the hopes that that's how they operate. And if not, maybe present the idea that they should consider that the flexibility is what makes us strong. There aren't mandates. You don't have to— there aren't prerequisites to be my friend. Be my friend. Yeah, you be my friend is what you do for me.

For me.

Yeah, not what I expect you to do for me.

Yeah, that's good.

When you show up, I get to say yeah. When, when my daughter died and I called some of my guys and they were still in college, some of them came home to be there with me because we were friends.

Yeah.

And they took on the responsibility. And in this moment, I'm circling back to what you said as far as a risk. And they took on the risk of being my friend and showing up based on what they thought I needed in the moment. Because I wasn't at my best.

Yeah.

What you're not gonna do is require me or ask me to give you a to-do list while I'm in my moment suffering. Yeah, going through. So they were willing to take the risk. Now take that to an everyday thing. The risk is, hey man, what's up? What's going on? I'm straight. Really? Don't sound straight. What's going on? The risk right there is me prying softly, cautiously, but prying nonetheless. Yeah, you sure you're good? Hey, what you doing tomorrow? Let's get together, chop it up. All right, the conversation just may have went in a way where the person now knows that I know something's going on.

Thumbs up.

Yep, you don't want to talk about it now, I'm not going to press you. But you've agreed to meet up with me tomorrow, and please believe there's a present coming. Yeah, so that's—

but that's because you care.

Well, what the heck is a friendship if you don't?

There it is, there it is, there it is.

I don't know, I think we make it harder than it needs to be. Uh, yeah, but I think we make it harder because we want what we want out it. And again, that's not always how it, it translates, because if I, I can continuously come up with things I want, but if I fail to communicate them, the person's unaware, and then they will fail me, and then I'll penalize them for failing me when they weren't even aware of what they needed to do to not fail me. Exactly. Now the friendship is busted up because of my inability to communicate. Wow.

Well, that, that's a good spot, um, to close out this segment on that note. Um, but I have to ask you some questions that I, I, um, am going to ask every guest. Um, first of all, what book are you reading or what book do you recommend? Ah, I'm an avid reader, so I'm always asking to add to my book list.

Um, was it Grief is Love: Living with Loss, Marissa Renee Lee? I'm reading that, you know, as I endeavor to help or assist more people in the loss and grieving process. I continuously try to gain or gather perspectives of other people's journey so that, you know, I'm better equipped equipped or aware of the variety of ways we go through, you know, some version of loss. So that's one I'm taking in because for me and most of my journey, a lot of my loss as it relates to loved ones were through accidents versus, you know, watching and being there as they, you know, came to the end of transition. So that's that book. Um, and then another one recommended by one of my good friends was, um, what, Your Brain Is Always Learning?

Yeah.

Um, who's the author? Daniel Amen. Amen, I think. Daniel Amen, I think. Okay, it's a pretty good book. A pretty good book. Uh, just— and that one is just, you know, going through trying to, you know, take the understanding that your mind is, is open, and a lot of things that penetrate and we take in may not be good things. But because our mind is always processing them, then you need to be aware of that processing. And more importantly, you need to be aware of coming up with fail-safes so that when you're taking in information that could be detrimental or, you know, negative to your forward movement, you can kind of, you know, activate those safeguards and protect yourself. Because I think it's very important that we know who we are and what causes us to, you know, be triggered, or just what causes us to respond, you know, negatively or positively.

And what was the name of that book again?

Um, Your Brain Always Listens. Listen, Your Brain Is Always Listening.

Okay, great. Now think about Larry Thomas at 16 years old. Oh yeah, 16-year-old Larry. Give me 3 words that would describe that Larry. 16. Is that—

I'm a December baby. Where am I? Okay, um, undisciplined, untrained, but open. Yeah, I think that, that was kind of— yeah, where I was, you know, when I was kind of coming into my own. But, you know, I didn't— my upbringing, I didn't have a lot of, of, of mentorship or mentoring, so I was allowed to kind of grow and develop you know, my ideas without a lot of parental influence, let's say that. Um, so, you know, while in high school, that was quite honestly the beginning of me coming into my own because— and perhaps this is also why my friends are so important and dear to me— that was where I began to feel safe. You know, meeting, you know, my friends. And they didn't all come, you know, yeah, at once. It was, it was a process. It was a, you know, it, it was a building. It was a continuous, you know, cause of events that, you know, made it what it was. But man, I just tell you, you know, my first friend, Damon Phillips, he just leaned over, he was like, hey, I'm Damon. I turned around and I'm, I'm Larry. And just the introducing of myself was interesting because here was someone attempting to be my friend.

Friend, yeah.

Versus, you know, how it went. Oftentimes you're looking for someone you already know.

Yeah.

And he took a risk. Oh, he took a risk and he was relentless, you know. Um, I mean, as far as his story, he was from the D but he was West Coast for a while, and coming back he had that, you know, that West Coast mentality. Yeah, he ain't know any better.

It's like, what are you doing?

We don't do that here. But he was willing to take the risk.

Wow.

You know, in fact, he was the one that encouraged me to just live a little more. And from there, you know, other friendships developed and blossomed. And I tell you, one of my— one of my reasons for having to give back is because I owe them, because they were willing to be my friend. And more importantly, importantly, they were willing to take me on as their friend.

Wow.

Because I know who I am, and I know, especially at that age, there was a lot going on. The funny is that you find out there was a lot going on with them, and so it reciprocated.

Yeah.

And that's the thing I talked about earlier, being honest and being vulnerable and being willing to present who you are and finding folks that will allow you to do it without the judgment and then they desire or find themselves willing to do the same, it's hard to sever that type of friendship because it's not surface, it's not superficial, it's, it's solid.

Yeah, it's got some roots.

Yeah. So those are my 3 words.

Yeah. So do you have any, um, final words regarding friendship or, um, anything that we've discussed that you'd like to leave with our listeners?

Sure. If you are out here and you don't have friends, or you think it's safer to not have friends and to put yourself out there, I would tell you, get you some. It could be life-changing. In fact, it could be life-saving. Um, and I know a lot of people who may switch up, be like, well, I have family. It's like, yeah, but friendship is different in the sense that it's situational and you get to choose that thing. Yeah, you know, um, regardless of what happens with your family, it could sour that relationship, but they're still family, and that bond may cause you to be activated in their moment of need, and vice versa, because of that family, family Yep. But friendship, oh, that's a whole different thing because now we're talking about some of the earlier steps on you learning what it means to give and receive conditionally, right?

For people that you're not necessarily obligated to because they're not your family.

Wow. I think in the rhythm and the rhyme of all of this, learning how to cultivate friends helps us down the road when we desire to cultivate relationships, because those we're choosing as well, right?

And they should start with the friendship. Ta-da! I done messed around and learned something today. Look at me, look at me! But that's why you're the coach.

We'll be sending all invoices to that part.

Well, Larry, thank you so much for joining me today. I, I appreciate you as always. I appreciate your candor, your transparency, your wisdom. Um, it's been such an honor having you on Life at the Half today.

Hey, thank you for having me, and I appreciate it.

No problem. Now listen, guys, Life at the Half, as you know, is, is a safe place for Gen Xers to hold each other accountable, to live through midlife and beyond midlife. It's a place for us to have those hard conversations like the ones we just had, and they're made to grow us, to stretch us, to do better, and to be better. So I hope that you take what you heard today and consider what it takes to be a friend and to do better at nurturing the friendships that you already have. Because real talk, when it's all said and done, um, we all we got, and, um, your friendships can prove to be invaluable. So friends, if you or somebody that you know, um, would be a good fit as a guest on Life at the Half, let me know. Send me a message. Um, you can email me at Camille, C-A-M-I-L-L-E, at thecamillecompany.com. Again, that's Camille at thecamillecompany.com, and me or someone from my team will circle back with you and, um, we'll be in touch. So that does it for this episode on friendships. Thank you so much for joining me, and I will see you next time here on Life at the Half.