3 "Alpha" Habits That Really Just Make People Dislike You

Sometimes becoming powerful can make people act like jerks.

Very amusing. Tell me, which do you favor, your fingers or your tongue?

The same thing can happen as you improve your charisma, which is a measure of social power. If you're not careful, you can become a domineering leader that is disliked for how you wield that social clout. So in this video, we're covering three common myths about being an alpha personality that actually just make people dislike you, and what tweaks you can make to be a respected leader that people love to be around. And to clarify, I know that some people have disputed the use of the term alpha in human societies. For this video, I'm simply referring to the word in the way that I most often hear it used to describe the type of person that is popular, attractive, assertive, and because of that, often the center of attention, which segues nicely into the first point. Alpha personalities can easily capture and maintain the attention of others. They do this with their confidence, body language, storytelling, all things that we've covered in previous videos. But there is a misconception that may lead to some people acting like jerks, and that is that the best way to use all of this attention is to focus on yourself, either by telling repeated stories of your own successes or simply by stating how great you are. We admire that kind of braggy behavior in athletes, but that's because it's a performative display. That behavior would never win you raving fans. In your normal life. The people who are both powerful and well liked are those who spread positive attention to others socially. You can spread this attention via compliments. A few hours.

Thank you very much.

Years I've been waiting for that. Or you can simply remember people who might not expect you to do so. If you're the rock, that might mean an interviewer, but in your life, it could be a doorman, cashier, or service person that you see on a regular basis. I was really excited when I found out you were going to be in this movie because I thought.

Hold on a second, dude.

Hold on.

Hold on a second. Congratulations. I know it's a year, year and a half ago. You graduated, dude.

Thank you, my friend.

Good to see you.

You're kicking ass. You're out in the world. You're kicking.

It's especially important to not just extend this kindness to people who are cool or loud or noticeable. In fact, the most way you can use this technique is to share it with the person who is unseen in a particular social situation. For instance, in the next clip, you'll see Tom Cruise being interviewed by Conan o' Brien while Andy Richter waits quietly. That's Andy's job. He's not supposed to be the focus, but he's still there. So rather than simply talk to Conan, Tom repeatedly brings Andy into the conversation. It's a little bit tricky to see since Andy's off screen, but the first time he includes him briefly. And later he asks him what his call sign would be if he were in Top Gun before you were born.

I am.

You are.

Coco, I want you to just randomly.

Call me at different times.

What would yours be? What's that? Oh, gosh.

Lazy. Now, I can't speak exactly to how Andy felt in this moment, but if you've ever been in a similar situation where a conversation is going on around you, you might like to join, but you don't really know what to say. And then someone in the group found a way to include you, you know that that feels amazing. With a few considerate words, that person made a lasting, positive impression on you. So when you are the one in a social situation where you have more social power, maybe because you're high ranking at work, or you're at a house party where there's a friend of a friend that no one knows well, or simply because you've developed your charisma, make sure to redirect attention to the person on the outside, either with a compliment or by asking their opinion. It may mean the world to that person and it only enhances your position as an Alpha leader. The second misconception about alphas is how they use their bodies. There is a misconception that the body is all about intimidation. They get big muscles so that they get physically dominant over people. If there's ever a conflict, if he.

Ever acts up, I will knock his teeth so far down his throat that he'll stick a toothbrush up his ass to brush. Oh, okay.

That example is obviously a joke. The Rock is talking about John Cena, who is his friend. But you can see this example for real with Tom Cruise as he leans aggressively into Matt Lauer's space as they're having an argument. Now, this isn't going to break into a fistfight, but there is a threatening tenor to a conversation when someone is pointing at you while speaking, leaning closely into your space.

Do you know what Adderall is? Do you know Ritalin? Do you know now that Ritalin is a street drug? Do you understand that? The difference is this was not against the will, though. This wasn't against madam asking a question. I understand. And you Should. And you should do that also, because just knowing people who are on Ritalin isn't enough. You should be a little bit more responsible in knowing I'm really prescribing Ritalin, Tom.

Now, it's true that being physically imposing can get people to defer to you. In fact, if you lean in and scream at someone who's scared, they might give you what you want in that moment. But in the long term, the most beloved personalities do not rely on their bodies to threaten other people. Rather, they use their bodies and they use touch to initiate friendly physical contact. And initiating is key. Watch how Conor McGregor dictates the tenor of greeting when he sees Jimmy Fallon.

Let's go, Seamus. How are you, man? Good to see you, brother. Good to see you.

He leads the interaction, starting with a smile and hug, which is immediately endearing. And you could see the same principle of initiating friendly contact in mid conversation with handshakes or high fives.

Congratulations.

Thank you, brother.

I appreciate that.

Can you imagine?

Can you imagine?

A key to doing this in a way that exudes a sort of alpha confidence is to commit to these handshakes or high fives while you're speaking, not to pick on him. But there is a contrast between how Jimmy approaches these situations. When he's talking to Connor, he seems to go in for these touches but hesitates either touching Conor lightly on the shoulder or pulling back completely. It's not a huge deal. But in your own life, these pseudo touches are probably more uncomfortable than simply giving someone a committed high five or shoulder pat. And I'm sure that this is happening unconsciously for Jimmy as it is for all of us. So simply pay more attention to the friendly touches in your next social interaction. You can go for high fives, that shoulder pat or the back pat. If you're close with someone, practice doing this in a committed way so that you don't wind up doing hover hands. And if you're curious, the same tenet hold true for women. Our video on Oprah covers this aspect of her charisma in detail. Now, lastly, people seem to think that being alpha is about being stone faced all the time. They think that power must come with an air of never really being impressed by what's going on around you. This is a misunderstanding of the principle of non reactivity, which I covered in last week's video on Don Draper. Basically, that principle states that underreacting in situations of stress breeds both internal confidence and confidence in the people that you lead. You must recognize that this principle does not apply to Positive emotions. In fact, being socially dominant, being alpha usually means being comfortable expressing more positive emotion than most people do. Take a look at the enthusiasm with which the Rock tells a story.

Wonderful. He takes the thing off and he throws it to the crowd. And I was like. And I caught it. And it was a big like nerd out moment.

Really?

We cry nerd to. Yeah, we did, right? I was like, oh. And I caught it. It was amazing.

You see the same thing with Conor wanting more days to celebrate, illustrating his philosophy as he speaks it.

But here in the US they celebrate St Patrick's week. You celebrate, and it was the best week of my life. When I get home, I'm going to start campaigning. Let's start adding more holidays. Let's start celebrating more. That is the key to success. You must celebrate where you come from. Be proud of where you come from.

So as a general rule of thumb, yes, remain non reactive in those times of stress, but amp up your positive expression. This can be with your V tone or your word choice. Additionally, combining this with the first point, you can be more generous in laughing at the jokes of the people around you. This attitude is good for you and it lifts the spirits of everyone present.

My wife calling, I'm not here. You know that old joke.

Now, I recognize that as you're watching this, you may be thinking that hitting the Rock or Tom Cruise's level of enthusiasm might feel like a big leap for you. So a great place to start is simply by speaking through a smile. That basically just means that rather than having your resting face be neutral as your speaking, you're starting from the baseline of a smile so you can see it behind your eyes and your mouth as you're speaking. Take a look at this video for an example of what you can do today without having your friends think that you've gone a bit crazy.

It's just in us. It's in us as Irish men, you know what I mean? So we've been fighting our entire existence.

If you find that you're hesitating and feeling locked up when it comes time to be confident in these situations, maybe it's with your touch or with your enthusiasm. Sometimes the act of priming yourself can go a long way. That is purposely putting yourself in a more confident and joyful state before going out to work or to socialize. And if you're looking for a ready made way to do that, you may be interested in a confidence visualization exercise that I have made. And it is courtesy of today's video sponsor. Simple habit. Simple habit is an app with tons of guided meditations and one of Those is this 15 to 20 minute confidence primer that I made that is only available there. You listen to it, you go through the visualization exercise and you generate internal feelings of confidence before you go out into a stressful situation. And if you click the link in the description you can check that exercise out as well as all of the guided meditations on simple Habit for one week for free. And that includes ones that I have made beyond that confidence ones again only available on this app if you decide to go for the free one week trial. I also recommend listening to meditations on joy and gratitude because really those are some of the best emotions you can have and we could all use more of them if you like the app. It's just $11.99 a month to continue after that first week. Either way, you've got nothing to lose from giving it a try. The trial is completely free and you can click the link on screen or in the description to take advantage. Right now some of these medit are even 5 minutes long, very quick primer so you can give it a shot literally right now. Either way, I hope that you guys have enjoyed this video and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.