This Belief Makes You Immune To Disrespect

Guys have underestimated me my entire life and for years, I never understood why. It used to really bother me. So I get back in my car and I'm driving to work and all of a sudden, it hits me.

There is one belief that makes you immune to disrespect and if you have it, you'll be unaffected by insults, rudeness, and passive aggression. You'll be able to stay calm no matter the situation because the other person's attacks will feel meaningless to you.

Hey, that was fun. You're a wimp. Aye, she knew my nickname.

And I'll be using clips of Ted Lasso to discuss this because he is a fantastic example of this belief in action. Now, obviously, Ted Lasso is a scripted show. I am not claiming that you can transform everyone who disrespects you by the end of the episode, right? But what I am saying is that with the right mindset, it is possible to achieve that relaxed attitude that Ted displays in the face of disrespect. So what's the mindset?

I realized that they're underestimating me. Who I was had nothing to do with it.

Disrespect is not about you. Now, disrespect has a variety of sources. Sometimes it can be the other person's insecurity or their fear and sometimes it's their need to feel superior. For many people, they've been using these defense mechanisms for so long that it's simply just become a habit. Whatever the reason, it's always coming from them, And when you realize that insults and rudeness have nothing to do with who you are— they're just triggered by being in reaction with this person— you drop the need to defend yourself. You can relax knowing that they are simply broadcasting something about themselves. I know a lot of players like him and they're all just self-absorbed glory hunters who only care about themselves.

Jamie, don't you think that coming from you, that's a little bit ironic?

But most of us understandably think that disrespect is about us. We think, he wouldn't have talked over me if I had something interesting to say, or, she would never have said that if I was more confident. So you leave those interactions wondering what you need to change about yourself. Maybe you're replaying the conversation over and over in your head thinking, what could I have said? Or, what did I do wrong? And sometimes we become so convinced that we're the ones to blame that we see disrespect where it wasn't even intended. Which brings us to the first step that you can use to take this mindset which is to assume positive intent. Sometimes, it's not obvious whether a comment is meant as an insult or if it's just bad phrasing.

You coaching football? Mate, you are a legend for doing something so stupid.

When most people hear an ambiguous comment, their guard goes up but this just makes you feel and look more tense and insecure. Instead, respond positively to the surface of someone's comment.

Well, you know, I've heard that tune before but here I am still dancing.

Legend.

Yeah, I mean it.

When you respond to the surface, you avoid jumping into arguments that actually weren't there in the first place and you set a positive tone for the interaction. This works for passive-aggressive remarks too.

Mr. Maine, how are you? Oh, it's Rupert, Ted. Especially for the man who's managing my club.

Used to be your club.

Oh, of course, of course, but it's still my club in here, love. Love of a sports team is a lifetime obsession.

Now, assuming positive intent works well at first But if someone is deliberately being rude, they won't stop after one comment some of the time.

And has now been charged with the leadership of a Premier League football club despite clearly possessing very little knowledge of the game. You got a question in there, Trent? Yeah... is this a fucking joke?

Now, if insulting or passive-aggressive behavior persists, you can't just keep assuming positive intent. If you keep pretending that you don't see repeated disrespect, you end up being walked over. So assume positive intent once and then respond non-defensively. Most people do think that they need to defend themselves when they're feeling insulted. We like to imagine that if we say the right thing to the person, that they will be so taken aback by our zinger that they're too ashamed to disrespect anyone ever again. This is partially why those comeback videos that we've done on the channel are so popular. In reality, those zingers rarely work. Most of the time, you don't have them. Then when you do, they have no effect and the other person just fights back. And if you do get through, your hit lands, it just leaves that person with a bruised ego. So instead of fighting and escalating the situation, you want to use non-defensive responses. You can start by just leaving a pause before you reply. I have one quick question for you. Are we ever going to win another fucking match?

Well, I hear the concern in your voice.

Pausing for 5 to 7 seconds will give you a moment to breathe which allows you to find the best response instead of just being reactive. It'll also force that person to sit with the comment they just made and when they don't get an immediate reaction from you, the silence can become very uncomfortable. for them so sometimes you'll find that people will walk it back without you having to say a word. Now, another non-defensive technique is to just compliment the other person even if they're being disrespectful.

Yeah, well, it makes sense to me. Probably have to train in a sewer because their coach is so shitty. I mean, he came and got us, didn't he? No doubt about that. Hey, but that's Nate the Great for you. They're real lucky to have him over there at West Ham. I wish him the best of luck.

Now, this can sound counterintuitive but complimenting someone who is disrespecting you can break that combative frame. It's easy to fight with someone who is fighting back. It is much harder to fight with someone who is saying positive things about you. So the next time someone's trying to undermine you, find a way to offer them genuine praise. So if they say, that presentation was— you can respond with something like, well, you seem really comfortable public speaking. Do you have any advice for me? That compliment reframes their comment as feedback, not as disrespect, and can actually transform the dynamic. But If you find yourself really feeling frustrated by the comment, you can't think of a genuine compliment in that 5-second pause. Don't fake this. Forced praise can come across as passive-aggressive or backhanded or just people-pleasy and get you walked over more. And the same applies to the next step, which is to set boundaries and then enforce them. Look, as someone who's been dumped by Keely, I get it.

She didn't dump me. You dumped her.

Why?

I don't want to talk about it.

Now, we've talked about boundaries in previous videos but the short version is that a strong boundary should be one clear sentence that focuses on what you are going to do if someone else persists or does something. So you might say, if you keep making jokes about my appearance, I'm gonna leave. Now, if the disrespect continues, there is no shame in walking away and if you are repeatedly assuming positive intent responding non-defensively, setting boundaries, and they're still being disrespectful, the best thing that you can do is to remove yourself from that situation. But if you want to understand why someone is disrespecting you, then you need to go deeper because if disrespect isn't actually about you, then what is it really about? Now, this next technique is accessible to everyone but it's going to come most naturally if you're the empathetic charisma type and it's get curious about them.

Be curious, not judgmental. I like that.

Genuine curiosity is disarming. Disrespectful people expect reaction or debate, not curiosity and connection. So ask open questions. Try to understand their point of view even if you don't think you'll agree with them.

What'd I do? What are you talking about? Oh, come on, man. You're mad as hell at me. I just want to know why. Huh? What have I got to learn here?

If you ask the right questions, you can uncover the source of their disrespect. Sometimes they're lashing out simply because they're having a bad day; other times, there's something deeper going on. So once you've asked that open question, give them space to answer without interrupting. Everyone is laughing at us, Ted— at you, at our team, at me. Rupert is laughing at me, Ted. When you take the time to listen to find out what's going on under the surface, you have a chance to build real connection and then you can respond to the person Not the behavior. I hired you because I wanted this team to lose. I wanted you to fail and I sabotaged you every chance I've had.

Divorce is hard. It makes folks do crazy things.

Understanding what's driving disrespect can help you connect with the other person and it gives you the tools to handle difficult situations in the future. Now, everything we've discussed today will help you deal with disrespect but there's a way that you can use these techniques to win respect This is one of the fastest ways I know to earn respect but I very rarely see people doing it and that is you want to respond to all disrespect. That means don't just respond when people are being rude to you; you want to step in when you see other people being disrespected.

I know she's always been a bit randy but I never thought she would fuck over an entire team. Hey! Better manners when I'm holding the dart. Please.

You can use all of the techniques that we've discussed throughout this video just a little more proactively.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What's going on? What's wrong?

This man refuses to coach me.

He refuses to stop being an asshole. Okay, Roy, you're not gonna like this but right now Jamie here is being the mature one. He just wants to learn from you. Fine. I'll tell you what's wrong with you. You fucked him up. Okay, expound.

And if you do this, you will also gain respect by stepping in when people are disrespecting themselves.

I lost us the game. I'm a piece of shit. Easy now. You beating yourself up is like Woody Allen playing the clarinet. I don't want to hear it. Knock it off. Go easy on yourself, okay?

This is what it looks like to be truly immune to disrespect. You're not just unaffected by it, you're strong enough to defend others from it too. That is how you become the person that people genuinely respect. So here's my challenge for you. Next time someone says something that catches you off guard like, a passive-aggressive comment, or joking at your expense, try responding positively to the surface of what they said and notice how it feels to not take the bait. Not only will this help you defuse conflict in the moment, but it is your first step on the way to living out the mindset that disrespect is not about you. And if you struggle to know exactly what to say in situations like this, you may be interested in the Conversation module of Charisma University. It's designed to help you articulate your thoughts clearly and it includes daily action guides to help you put what you learn into practice. Here's just a few things that some of our past students have said about the course. John said, Charisma University has helped me to be more confident and to show that in a way that I carry myself. It's helped me to be a lot more likable and look calm and collected when people try to insult me. And Ben told us, before Charisma University, I could tell I was disappointing people in conversations plus I never really knew how to build strong connections. After Charisma University, so much has changed. I can now be concise, articulate, and have meaningful interactions with people. If someone wasn't happy with the way their conversations seem to be going and their social interactions in general, I would definitely recommend they join Charisma University. The course comes with a 60-day money-back guarantee so there is no risk in giving it a try. But either way, I hope you enjoyed this video and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.