Stop Trying to Look Confident, Do This Instead

You might think confidence means being big, bold, and loud.

The champ is here!

But when you let go of that idea and do the things that you think might make you look weak—

I wasn't really good at being a son and being a brother. I used to think I was not enough. I did not value self.

That is when you become magnetic. He seems like a very intelligent, nice guy.

Very nice.

But I love that he's that grounded. He's also one of the greatest human beings I've ever met.

He's so worth the hype.

He's the best.

I love him.

So we are going to break down the 5 signs of secure confidence using one of the best examples that I have ever seen, John Cena.

Dang, lot of energy in the room, lot of energy. Fired up.

Because what he does is the exact opposite of what most people think confidence looks like. But before we get there, we need to talk about identity protection. You see, most of us have a good idea of how we want others to see us. Maybe you want to be the funny one in the group or to be the leader that people respect or just someone that is positive and fun to be around. And this all works fine until you make that your whole identity, because when that identity is threatened, you will either freeze or you'll bite back. Monsters are dangerous, and just now kings are dying like flies. I could have your tongue out for saying that. What you just saw is identity protection, and this kind of reactivity does not come across as true confidence. People know that you're trying to hide something, and when you suppress parts of yourself, your life becomes a performance. And then the fear comes creeping in: something terrible will happen if people see every part of me. And once that fear is once there, it is very hard to shake. So what's the alternative?

It is really incredible to sit down and sense what kind of a true human being you are with no veneer and amazing proximity.

When you live your life with no veneer, you're actually showing the parts of yourself that almost everyone else edits out. That is secure confidence. So how do you build it? Well, the first sign of secure confidence is enthusiasm.

A type of drink, a Rob Roy.

What?

What? No kid knows what a Rob Roy is. They do now. Rob Roy for everyone. Everyone hear ya?

Now, enthusiasm might seem counterintuitive because right now in modern culture, there's a growing trend that says that in order to be confident, you need to be nonchalant.

Not displaying anxiety, interest, or enthusiasm.

Being nonchalant can help you as a man. And I could see the appeal here. Nonchalance looks like confidence on the surface, but it won't make you feel confident because actually you're pretending that you don't care about anything, which is just another form of identity protection. You're suppressing your genuine reactions and only showing people what you want them to see. John Cena doesn't do that and he isn't afraid to be seen enjoying himself. Our primetime is in the toilet. You're not getting a cookie till this network comes up with a hit. He's not managing how he looks or faking enjoyment. He's just comfortable being enthusiastic honestly even if the people around him aren't and that enthusiasm is contagious. These big reactions actually make the people around him more expressive. Donald Trump seems like a larger-than-life figure. Do you think he would do well in the world of professional wrestling?

Stephen, do I?

Yes.

Yes.

So the next time that you hear a joke that is genuinely funny or a question that surprises you, let your full reaction through. You'll make the other person feel heard, and more importantly, you will prove to yourself that your unfiltered reactions are good enough. And feeling that you're good enough is the essence of secure confidence. And that brings us to the second sign, which is silliness.

No way.

Nah, nah. Okay.

Now, it's easy to dismiss this type of humor as just goofing around, but it actually requires very high levels of confidence. For instance, ask yourself, what is the most ridiculous outfit that you have ever worn? Maybe something that you wore to a costume party or during a school play or you dressed up for Halloween. Now, picture yourself wearing that crazy costume to work, and you're the only one in the room that is actually dressed up. Everyone else there is just in their regular clothes. Would you have the confidence to do that? Now, some of you probably think that you could handle that, so let's turn it up a notch. Forget your costume. Would you dress up like this? And would you have the confidence to dance around in front of a studio audience while you're wearing it? And for the few of you who are still thinking, "I could do that, no problem," I have one more question. Would you step out in front of the most important people in your industry at the most prestigious event of the year wearing nothing but sandals and an envelope, all just to get a quick laugh?

Costumes, they are so important.

Being on stage naked is a a literal nightmare for most people, and yet John Cena volunteered to do it. He's confident enough to stand up in front of people that are just as likely to laugh at him as they are to laugh with him. How did he get that?

Be naked in front of everybody? Yeah, no problem. Let's do it. So that also comes with like, well, people are gonna laugh at me and people are gonna make fun of the way I look physically. Okay, man, let's go. Being okay with self.

He's willing to make himself the butt of the joke because he knows that that embarrassment doesn't define him. Now, you don't have to stand in front of a crowd completely naked. You can start training this muscle by telling your own embarrassing stories. It doesn't have to be anything that you're super ashamed of, just a story where you didn't look perfect and that you can look back at now and laugh at.

You were starting off in wrestling.

You had a persona, sort of half man, half machine.

Was that the idea?

Yes, that's correct. Yes. This was prototype. It was awful. My first try was the prototype, which was half man and half machine. And 100% crap.

One thing to watch out for here: it is possible to overuse embarrassing or self-deprecating jokes. If this is the only kind of humor that you're using, it can become just another form of identity protection. I'm going to name my flaws before anyone else has the chance. So it's important to be able to express genuine pride in your achievements as well. You can watch how John Cena does this in this next clip where he's talking about his rap album.

Do you listen to the album ever?

I do.

Every year I try to listen to it. I'm very proud of it.

Will there be a follow-up?

Is there going to be a 20-year anniversary celebration for the album? No way.

When you are able to acknowledge both your successes and your shortcomings, you come across as supremely confident. And speaking of owning your mistakes, the next sign of secure confidence is shadow sharing. John Cena is comfortable opening up about the things that most people would leave in their shadow.

It brought light to some of my shortcomings. The fact that I am very difficult to deal with, the fact that I have a lot of rules. There are days where getting to be John Cena The backpack is heavy.

Now, a lot of people, especially young men, believe that they need to hide their struggles in order to be liked and respected.

So you cried?

There were tears that ran down my face, but I did not cry.

I mean, that's crying. I would disagree.

Now, that's an extreme example, but we've all done a subtle version of this. Maybe it's changing the subject when a difficult topic comes up or pretending to be fine when you're actually going through a hard time. You're denying your emotions and your struggles. And this is, you guessed it, another form of identity protection. You're hiding the bad so people only ever see the good. But when John Cena opens up to someone, when he shares his shadow, the people around him open up too.

There's not a time that I've ever walked around that door that I'm not nervous.

I do think you know how valuable that is. That's helping me right now because I'm scared in this job all the time.

Everybody struggles, and by naming it first, you give the room permission to share something they never thought they could admit. Not only does this deepen your connections, you become the conversational leader.

—is something I used to feel uncomfortable in rooms like this in front of people. I did too. I did too. Early on, I was exhilarated because I thought this is the scariest thing you can do.

When you talk about the hard stuff without flinching, you show the room something that they don't often see—that you don't need to be perfect in order to feel good about yourself. Now, you will know that you are deep into secure confidence if you have this next very rare trait, and honestly, this is the entire reason that I wanted to make this John Cena video in the first place. He embodies selflessness. When you stop trying to control how people see you, something shifts. Your attention is free to move outward, so your perspective changes.

Because I was like, oh, don't you hate it when people are like, I can't see you? He was like, no, Nicole, that's what people know about me. They're just trying to connect. When they say it to me, I'm happy because they're taking it in and they like me. And that's nice, isn't it? How you speak to people changes.

Hey, you guys always cheer for the guest, for Jimmy Fallon.

And how you respond to people asking for something changes.

I'm going through cancer, stage 4. Okay. I wanted to know if I could hug you or see you. Absolutely.

John Cena has granted more than 650 wishes for Wish children.

There's someone fighting some circumstances, and the one thing they'd like to do is hang out with you. Do you have time for that? 100%.

We're going to do that. John Cena holds the Guinness Book of World Records for the most Make-A-Wish wishes granted. He has given an immense amount of his time to people who cannot repay him. And there's nothing that he says he finds more rewarding.

It's an absolute bull— whatever you think you give to somebody, they give back to you exponentially.

Now, this isn't some strategy to be charismatic. It flows naturally when you stop trying to show your best to people and instead be your best for them. Because when you feel good about who you are, you naturally want to spread that feeling to others. And this brings us to the final sign of secure confidence, and this is the one that ties everything else together. It's range. John Cena's superpower is that he can move effortlessly between enthusiasm, shadow sharing, silliness, and selflessness. He doesn't get stuck in one mode.

I haven't seen you in a while. How's your life been? I wanted to go out there with my incredibly underwhelming, odd-shaped penis just in the wind. So you gave me a chance, an opportunity to stand in front of people who inspire me and whom I admire. I didn't necessarily reap all the rewards of getting the fun, but it wasn't about what I wanted. It was about making the bit good.

When you have secure confidence, you can be playful and then sincere and then vulnerable and then funny and sad and strong, deep, overwhelmed. It doesn't matter because secure confidence knows that we all have these experiences and it's okay to express them without having them define you. So the best way to develop range is not by trying to do all of these things at once. That would probably just get you feeling stuck. It's by focusing on just one slightly challenging mode at a time. So my challenge to you today is this: take time to pick just one of these characteristics and make space to express it in your day. You can be more enthusiastic when you're greeting a coworker or send a random text to a friend letting them know that you appreciate them, or you can share a story where you don't come across like the hero. Just pick the one of these that feels a bit like a stretch and commit to doing it just once. Because if you keep this practice up for a week, you will have developed a range that most people would blush at. And this philosophy of simple daily actions is exactly how I have always worked on my confidence and my charisma. I started scared to speak up in groups of 5 friends, and now I'm sharing my thoughts with all of you, so this approach works. I know it. And if you want to commit to these daily actions to grow your confidence and your charisma the fastest way that I know, you may be interested in joining Charisma University. Here's what just a few of the members have to say about it. I was always a party killer. After completing the course, I'm already called the life of the party, and old school mates tell me I'm a completely different person. Charisma University helped me to turn on my charismatic side like a button. I started to talk with this girl that is today my girlfriend. I went from this very weird person who missed social cues to this guy that could keep a conversation going and make people laugh. Now, tens of thousands of students have gone through Charisma University. It's 30 days, handheld, step-by-step, fully guaranteed. And if you don't think the course is worth it, you can get a full refund right from inside the program. Link is on the screen and in the description. Either way, I hope that you've enjoyed this video, and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.