The One Social Skill That Beats All The Others

If I had to pick just one social skill to have it a 10 out of 10, it'd be the one in this video. It can make you rich and famous all on its own, and it's also the one that lets you connect on a date or stand out in an interview or hold the attention of an entire room. And it's actually something that I did for 24% of my speaking time in my Diary of a CEO interview, which sounds great until you realize that the highly charismatic Matthew McConaughey did it for 47% of the time in his interview, which is twice as much as me. So what is this skill? Well, it's storytelling.

My dad's at a ranch one time with his friends. It's late at night. They're sitting out at the bar and drinking and stuff. And so all of a sudden the subject comes up of how high everybody can pee. Little Mr. Texas, 6 years ago. But I said, well, let me just zoom in on this picture. I look at the trophy and it says runner-up. Little Mr. Texas. I got 3 things to my account that I need each day. You considered becoming a monk. I had talked to a good friend of mine, Brother Christian at Monastery of Christ in the Desert. His opinion was no. No, no, no, that is not what you're here to do. You're a communicator. You're a storyteller.

Now, I've said this before, and I'm sure that I will say it again. Storytelling is inception. It allows you to communicate with a person's unconscious mind. You're actually bypassing the rational part that evaluates facts and figures, and you're speaking directly to the part that actually makes big decisions. For instance, the intro story of The 4-Hour Workweek, which is Tim Ferriss in a tango competition. I remember it to this day. Made me quit my job as a consultant and become an entrepreneur. That story and the others in The 4-Hour Workweek completely altered the course of my life and made me start this channel. So storytelling is a superpower for creating transformation, not to mention just being a great way to captivate people. And that's why I want to take you through an example of an incredibly well-told story from Matthew McConaughey. I'm going to explain the key things that he's doing so that you can use them to shine on your next date, interview, friend hangout, or business presentation. And I know that most of you don't need to hear this, but just a caveat: do not tell stories that pretend to be true but aren't. Stories really do move people, and moving them towards a lie can be truly damaging. So let's begin with the thing that kills many stories before they even start: the hook.

Let me tell you one in Africa.

The hook is what gathers attention at the onset, And to be fair, this isn't Matthew's best. But he's an hour and 10 minutes into this podcast, so he's already got the audience's attention. When you tell stories, though, you need a first line that grabs the group's attention.

Something like this: "I had that 4 AM in my solitude on my own truth that hit me, lands like a butterfly and strikes like a lightning bolt at the same time." The good news is that you don't need anything complicated for your hook, and there's actually one that works in any situation.

And that is, Oh, you're gonna love this. If you say that at the beginning of a story, you will immediately notice the other person perk up. But you need to follow that with the rest of these tips to make sure that you're actually delivering on your promise. And that brings us back to Matthew. This next piece is why you need a good hook. Because it's often the least interesting part of the story, but you have to set the scene. Watch Matthew do it.

Me and my guide, who's a buddy now, Isa, we're hiking from village to village in the Banja Gora. Each village is 10 to 15 miles away. I went over there needing my anonymity under the name of David. And I said I was a writer and a boxer. Well, they called me Douda. They didn't give a damn about the writing part, but they were very interested in the wrestling part. So each village I would go to started to catch up to me, like strong white men named Douda. And they love to wrestle over there. They love to wrestle. It's kind of a form of entertainment. The boys just walk up and start wrestling. I get to this one village one night, Benjamatou.

A well-set scene gives the audience enough to imagine what's happening in their mind's eye, and importantly, it gets them guessing what's coming next. So if Matthew did his job, you should be thinking, "Okay, I feel like this wrestling thing is gonna be important." Now, the audience doesn't have to guess correctly, but it is a huge issue if you set them up to guess totally wrong. I saw this at a party recently where everyone was asked to tell a story. So one person is telling a story about a bad date, and the setup focuses on this guy who says that he's from one country in the Middle East, but is actually speaking in a full New York accent. And I could see that everyone around was hooked, guessing, "Is this guy a CIA agent? Has he got some sort of like secret double life that we're going to find out about?" No. The story is that he was just rude on the date. And I could see everyone was deflated when the story finished because they'd been set up to see something irrelevant. So a rule of thumb if you're struggling here: you want to set up your story in less than 30 seconds and only include details that will pay off later. So let's watch the payoff of the wrestling mentions in Matthew's story.

I'm laying there, it's a 14-mile hike to get there. I'm laying on the ground stretching. Villagers all kind of come up around, they're talking and chattering, and all of a sudden I hear this chatter that's sort of at me. I can just hear it, and I look up and it's these two boys that are about 18, and they're boom, boom, boom popping at me. And I can be like, and I know enough in the tone, I don't know what they're saying because they're speaking in Bambata. I'm like, are they talking shit to me? And he goes, yes. They say that they are the best wrestlers in the village and they are challenging You, teresa y Max. I was like, oh, they are.

So we now arrive at the most important part of any story, and that is the emotional rollercoaster. Good stories need that high emotional contrast. You've got good to bad to good again, or terrible day to incredible turnaround. To be clear, this is not about how good or bad things are objectively. It's about how intensely the audience feels that roller coaster. I have seen stories with amazing content land horribly because people don't know how to make the audience feel the intensity of that coaster. And I've seen stories with totally mid content absolutely crush. And Matthew has some really neat tricks for making us feel this ride even more intensely, the most important of which is embodiment. Watch how Matthew goes into the characters that he plays. He adopts their accent and he gesticulates to increase the tension. He also speaks in the present tense. I'm gonna mark all of these examples on the side of the screen, but try not to get too distracted because I really just want you to feel the effect here.

Well, they sure are talking a lot. I go, I don't know if they mean it. Y'all have this thing over here? We have a thing in America where if someone talks too much, they really don't mean it. He goes, yes, we have this, we have this. And just as that happens, you hear the crowd, wah, scream. And I look up and the two boys, bam, run off. Why? Because the real champion wrestler of the village, Michel, 5'9", tree trunk legs, about 220, burlap bag wrapped with a rope around his waist, he showed up. He doesn't say a word. He just stands over me, points to me, points to himself, and points over here. I look over where he's pointing and there's a big dirt pit. My heart starts racing. There's the challenge.

So every detail that Matthew shared emphasizes that emotional turn from cocky dude about to show these kids who's boss, all the way to, oh shit. That is the emotional roller coaster. High to low. And it's a great start. Now, as he continues, pay attention to the direction the coaster continues to go, and also listen to how sharing his internal monologue creates stakes that make the ride feel more intense. Again, this is a great thing to do in your own story. So pausing to say things like, so I'm thinking, oh shit, this is bad, work really well. Watch it here.

As my heart's beating, going, oh no, I start to get up because as this ear's saying, oh no, I'm hearing in this ear, if you don't, you will regret this for the rest of your life. You've got to go do it. This will at least be a great story to tell. So I get up. Village goes crazy. About 80 people have gathered now. The chief comes out. I'm standing in the middle of the pit going, I'm not sure how this is supposed to go. What are the rules? Chief puts his hands on our heads. Michelle grabs me by the waist, mimics me. I grab him by the waist. Then he burrows his forehead down into my clavicle here, and I burrow mine into his. So now we're like two bulls like this. And the chief puts his hands on our head and then raises them and goes, "Dah!" And the crowd goes wild. Ding ding is what dah meant. So we start going around, man.

So now we're in the thick of the story. The scene is set, stakes are established, and Matthew is about to play with pacing. Pacing is how steep that coaster is, and for some parts, you want that fast downward chute to just rip people through. So increase your pace when you want the audience to feel out of control, usually like the protagonist. And at other parts though, you want that audience hanging in anticipation. It's like that first drop at the top of that first hill when that chain on the coaster stops and you're looking down, holding your breath. This is an advanced move, so just Watch how Matthew does it.

So we start going around, man, and I'm thinking, okay, I gotta get some leverage on this guy. His legs are like tree chunks. I'm like, oh, I ain't getting him down low. So we're scrapping, grappling, boom. And I get him over, bam, flip him on his back. He flips me back over. I backflip him off my back and somersault him. He comes in, gets me in a fricking leg lock that I can barely breathe from, almost gotta tap out from. I shimmy that thing. All of a sudden, Chief comes in, separates us. I'm hyperventilating, man. Crowd's going crazy. He's gotta split Michelle on this side, me on this side. I had these talismans that were in my beard. Two of 'em got torn out during the wrestling match. Got blood running down me here. My knees are bleeding, my ankles are bleeding. I'm hyperventilating and covered in sweat. I look over at Michelle who's just staring at me going, barely a glisten on him.

And that's when the chief goes, "Duh!" And I go, "Oh shit, here we go." Now I wanna pause here because you just saw one of the best storytelling tactics and the most underused. I would legitimately put this at like the number 2 slot for things that you want use regularly, and it is the false end. This is when you've told a story so well that it could be over and the audience would be satisfied, but it actually gets more intense. In video games, this is the boss fight with multiple phases. In keynote speeches, this is Steve Jobs saying, "And one more thing," and then the audience goes crazy. So the way you'd set this up is that you spend all of your storytelling ammunition on the second most crazy part of the story. That's Matthew really slowing down to talk about how he's out of breath, he's bleeding from his chin, and it would be even better if he gave us this internal monologue of like, "Thank God, that was the hardest thing I ever did." And then the chief says, "Round 2, go." People go wild for false endings. It can completely make a story if you hit this note right. Back to Matthew now. Watch how the emotional coaster starts its climb back up.

Grabs my waist, bop bop, burrows his head. I burrow my head, we're off. Goes around again, pretty damn good match. Strong, I flipped him, he pinned me, we got up, got moving. All of a sudden Chief comes in, separates us, raises both our hands, the crowd goes crazy. Wah! As soon as he lowers our hands, Michelle runs off. Everyone sees him go and they come in and grab me and put me on their shoulders. Dow dah, dow dah, dow dah. I go over, now I'm a big man in the village, which means They give me the best chair that has the least broken straw on the seat, which means the village boy finds me the biggest chicken and plucks it, and they cook it for dinner for me, which means they take me to the cleanest spot in the river. I come back that night, we eat, I get on the roof of the hut. What a magical day. I lay back, I see the Southern Cross for the first time in the sky. Like, it was a neon light on a black backdrop. It was, you couldn't not see it. It was so bright, staring me right in the face. I laid there 30 minutes, saw 29 shooting stars. I'm going, I might have a direct line. I might be the chosen one.

So now we've got the full arc from good to bad to worse to better to amazing. And everything Matthew has done is in service of making that roller coaster ride feel more intense. Higher highs, lower lows. But you still want to end with a bang. And usually this means a laugh or a lesson. And Matthew hits both.

Just as I'm about to shut my eyes, I got a little in my throat. So I sit up, argh, go to spit out off the top of the roof. Loogie plastered to my face. I forgot I had put my mosquito net on.

So we get that last laugh and one more reversal. We've done tons of video on comedy, so I won't go too slow here. But then Matthew also adds an epilogue that gives us the lesson, the moral. And this is what changes a story from pure entertainment to a tool for transformation. Here's Mathieu's, and it happens the next day when he's talking to another villager.

You accept the challenge. That is when you are big man in this village. 'Cause I was like, they put me on their shoulders, man. What was it? He was like, oh, you were big man when you accept the challenge. He said, whole village think Michel going to have strong white man named Dauda on back in 10 seconds.

Over.

But you handled Michel. Not win or lose. Handled. But you were big man when you accepted challenge.

So we covered a lot. We covered hooks, scene, embodiment, Pacing, endings, and of course, the emotional rollercoaster ride that drives the entire story. But there's actually something that is more important than all of these, and it is the confidence to tell a story in the first place. Because almost never does someone say, "Hey, tell me a story." Instead, your opportunities are going to look way more like this. If you had aimed for something to be perfect and then it delivered itself as perfect exactly how you had imagined, if at all possible, would that have made you happy?

I don't know. Yeah, right? Would it have made you scared? Both, probably. Because look, I've had moments. Let me tell you one in Africa.

In charisma terms, this is where Matthew truly won. This is where he accepted the challenge. He took the type of question that could have easily been answered in a single sentence and turned it into a 9-minute story. That takes real confidence. Because a lot of us, myself included, feel like we constantly need to be maximally efficient in our communication, so we'd say something like, "Oh yeah, I went to Africa and wrestled a guy to a draw." Same core information, but we've built no connection to the audience. And that efficiency loses so much value, because not only did Matthew entertain us, but he also communicated things about himself that would be really weird to say outright. He communicated that he's courageous. He communicated that he's strong, and he communicated that even though he's got an ego, he can still laugh at himself. And he did it all in a way that the audience is not going to reject. Even better, he communicated something to the audience that may change them. That you aren't a big man when you win and a small man when you lose. You are a big man when you accept the challenge. That's Inception. So my challenge to you today. Is to take one thing that you normally would just say in a sentence and put it into a story form. For instance, if someone at work normally asks you when you enter, "Hey, how you doing?" or "How was your weekend?" tell a short story instead of just saying, "It was good." Now, learning to do this more often will have a huge benefit in so many areas because whether you're on a first date or you're hanging out with new friends or you're in an interview, stories let you communicate the great things about you without coming across as grandiose and usually in a way that the other person accepts much more readily. And if you're wanting to get some other challenges that will help you crush those kinds of first impression moments or sustain a high level of confidence in your personal professional life, you might be interested in our course, Charisma University. It's our 30-day program that is the fastest way that I have to help you take your charisma and confidence to the next level. Here's what just a few students have to say about it. I remember when I was I was nervous when I was first looking at the videos and I wasn't as confident as I could have been. I wasn't very social and I didn't think that I made the best first impressions. Since doing the course a couple of years ago, a couple of awesome things have happened. At the end of one of my interview days, the doctor came to me and pulled me aside and said that I hands down had the best interview out of everybody and that they would love to have me at their program. They ranked me number one and it's my current job. My medical school friends describe me as the charismatic guy. And another: I had confidence in some areas but not in others. Then Charisma on Command University changed that for me. Since beginning the program, I have seen noticeable changes in my everyday life. This helped me unlock the confidence that comes with knowing that I can go into any social situation and crush it. Plus one bonus because I think this is a key point: Charisma on Command University costs less than half the price of one course at my college but has had a far bigger impact on me than any traditional class I've enrolled in. Now, the course comes with a 60-day money-back guarantee, so you have nothing to lose if you want to give it a try, and I hope that you do. But either way, I hope that you've enjoyed this video, and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.