4 Dating Mistakes That Make Her Think Of You As A Friend

Today I want to share with you the answer to one of the most common questions that ever hits my inbox, and that is, how do I get out of the friend zone? And what I have to say is that this is a question, quite frankly, that I have no experience with. I've never been in the friend zone, and I will never be in the friend zone. That is a total lie. I have been in the friend zone more often than I would like to admit. In fact, a lot of my young adult life was spent pining over girls that I had a crush on and never really knowing how or when to to show that interest in them. So I have complete empathy and understanding of this position, and I have actually had the experience of getting out of the friend zone in my life. So just know that while the advice I'm going to give to you is going to be direct, and it might sound a little bit harsh at times, it comes from a place of wanting to motivate you to do better and to do the best things that I did rather than stay stuck there. And the last piece that I'll say before we get into the advice is that I'm going to use the gender of a guy who is interested in a girl that he likes. Now, this can come in all different configurations, but quite frankly, 99% of the messages that I get are this. And this is what I have familiarity with. If you are different, if you're a guy who likes a guy or a girl likes a guy or whatever sort of configuration, this advice still applies to you. I'm just going to speak in that way. So the first thing is a mindset thing, and it's oftentimes guys talk about the friend zone as if it were a place that they got put in by a girl that they like. They say, she friend zoned me, she put me in the friend zone. And quite frankly, this is a denial of responsibility. You put yourself in the friend zone when you didn't make your honest interest in this person clear. Now, there is good news to this, which is that if you want to get out of the friend zone, it's not something that she needs to allow you to do. It is something that you can do. Now, you might get out of there one way or another, and it might not be the perfect way that you would like to get out of the friend zone, but but you do not have to stay stuck there. So just know that the friend zone is a place where you wind up when you prefer hiding your true feelings rather than being honest about them. And risking quote unquote rejection. And we want to move past that. The second piece is this the most common way in my life and in the life of my friends and clients, people that I've seen that people actually do wind up dating a girl that they were very close friends with, is that they actually step back and they take some time to focus not on how do I get her to like me, but they focus on themselves for a period of weeks or even months. And in my life, what this looked like was in college there were plenty of girls that I had crushes on. Nothing ever happened. I was kind of friendly with them and I went abroad and I spent a full year abroad in Spain and Costa Rica. I studied Spanish, learned to speak Spanish, learned to dance, dated a Costa Rican girl and really transformed the way that I behaved and felt about myself. I so that when I came back it was a common refrain that, Charlie, there's something different about you. And that resulted in me actually having relationships. Some of them were very short lived with people that had previously, well, friend zoned me or I felt like they had friend zoned me. So just know that this is a very common way and if you want to go this longer route and you feel like I don't need to necessarily do it tomorrow or this week, which is advice I'm going to give you in later steps, you can focus on yourself and quite frankly, I recommend you do this anyway. Find genuine interests of yours, pursue them and you will find that women and more men, whoever we're talking about here, become more attracted to you for it. So third step, let's assume that you do not want to do the multi month thing where you focus on yourself. You're going to do that, but you want a faster track to find out if you can get out of this. The third step is going to be to steady your nerves because we're going to do something that requires some courage. And what I mean by doing that is there's two steps. The first thing is to imagine the worst case scenario of revealing your feelings, of going for it. And what you might picture is that you sit down, you tell her, hey, I've liked you for a long time. How do you feel? And she bursts out in laughter. She ridicules you, she makes fun of you. How could you ever be so stupid as to think that? She says, I have no interest you. And she walks out laughing. Right? That is about as worst case as I can imagine. In fact, that is kind of comic book villain worst case scenario for revealing to a friend that you have a crush on them. That's quite frankly, not the worst. Not the worst. That's not a bad likely scenario, but it's the worst case. And what you can realize about that scenario is that one, you're not dating them, which is the position that you're in right now. And all that you would be dealing with is another person kind of being mean to you. In fact, there's nothing shameful in having a crush and being rejected. There's something more shameful in being rude and mean about that. But it is the case all the time with the most successful people in the world that they have chased what they wanted and not gotten it. And that is a stepping stone to success in life and quite frankly, something to be proud of even though it hurts in the moment. So just to realize the worst case scenario isn't that bad is totally survivable. And the second thing is, is to make really clear what you are costing yourself by not going for it. The first thing is that I don't think a lot of people realize this. They're trying to minimize the risk. They want to create a scenario where she kind of comes after them and where they can deny the fact that they were interested so that they don't risk outright rejection. They could always play it off. And what you don't realize is by minimizing the risk, you minimize the chances that she's interested in you. Because men and women alike, we are attracted to people who, who go for the things that they want while knowing that they might not get them. Because what that signals to all of us and what we are all attracted to is people with high self esteem. Which brings me to the next point in here, which is that the longer you spend not going for it, the more you're signaling to yourself that you're not worthy of pursuing the things that you want. That you can't handle someone else saying no to you, that you would rather say no to yourself first rather than give them the opportunity to do that. And that's going to decrease your self esteem. On the other hand, if you do pursue it, you go for it no matter what happens. You're telling yourself, I have faith in you to handle what the world throws at you. I believe that your wants are worth pursuing. I believe that you can be honest about the way that you feel in this world and that will raise your self esteem. So no matter the outcome, if you come into that with this mindset, you're going to feel better about it afterwards. And I have to tell You. I have gotten emails from guys and who have done this kind of thing, told a girl that they liked him, it didn't go well, and they email me with so many exclamation points about how incredibly amazing they feel on the inside just for doing it. Which brings me to the third point. No matter how it turns out, say that you guys wind up dating. Say that it's not the case. The third piece is that there's oftentimes women in your life that you are just not realizing could be a great potential match for you because you're so stuck on this one person. And this was the case for me back in high school. I spent probably the better part of my junior to senior year focusing on one girl, and we wound up at the end of this huge crust, kissing, I think, one time. And then nothing came of it. In the meantime, there was another girl who was in one of my classes who was very smart, very pretty, made an effort to hang out with my friends, was constantly being bright and cheery and positive when the class was boring. And I was so obsessed with this one girl that it didn't even occur to me to try to see what could be there. And. And it was only in retrospect, looking back years later, that I was like, oh, my God, I don't want to say her name, but that she liked me. That could have been a thing. And she was cool in all these ways. I just was incapable of seeing it. When you're so focused on this one thing and you're not going for it, not only are you blocking yourself from getting that thing, but there's this whole world of other people, of other opportunities that are out there that you could open your mind to. And I don't just mean people to date. I mean other ways that you could improve yourself, other things you could be doing that are exciting. You could. You've got all your focus on thinking this can make you happy, and you miss the world for it. So what I hope you realize is that in terms of steadying your nerves, you have so much more to lose by not revealing how you feel than you do by going out and risking one person saying that they don't want to date you. Which brings me to the final piece, which is, if you want to do this today, tomorrow, this week, I fully encourage it, and that is to reveal your feelings. Now, I am not suggesting that you reveal your feelings and then ask this person to be your girlfriend, because quite frankly, a lot of guys spend a lot of time fantasizing about what this relationship could be. And they spent so much time thinking about in their head, they think they're on a playing field to be ready to date that person. You don't know if that's the case. You've really not had any sort of romantic relationship with them. So what I recommend is not saying, do you want to be my girlfriend? It's just letting them know that you are interested in finding out if they feel the same way. So for that, if you're looking for something to say what I recommend, find a time when you're alone with this person when you could sit down, maybe towards the end of an evening or the end of a hangout together and just say something like this. Hey, I know this is kind of out of the blue, but there's something that I wanted to get off my chest and tell you I like you. I have liked you for a long time as more than a friend. And I have no idea if you feel the same way, but I just had to tell you because. Because life is short and because I would really regret it if I wasn't honest about this. And then you can sit and just let them respond. They might be shocked. They might come back and say, I like you too. Any number of things might happen if they do give you an indication. They say, I feel the same way or I'm surprised, but I don't know, maybe there's something there. I'd be. I'm open to it. A very simple way to bridge the gap from your friends to now you're something else is to say, okay, well, this has been a long time coming then, this has been a long time coming then, and lean in to kiss her. Now. You do not have to make out. Doesn't have to be an intense 30 second French kiss, but kiss her on the lips. And what that does is that breaks this pattern of, okay, we're friends over here, to there's something else that is, quite frankly, that happened. And we're in a different phase of our relationship right now. At that point, you can set up a time to hang out, maybe go on an official date, whatever it is, but you are out of the friend zone. And of course, if she does say, I'm not interested, a lot of guys, it's okay. So what happens? And quite frankly, what do you want to happen? Do you still want to be your friend? If you do, in that case, go, okay, well, I'm really happy that I said this. We can still be friends and still hang out. But at least now I feel like I'VE been honest with you and I can move on in other areas of my life and we can still hang out like we have. You don't need to check in. Is it all cool? Is everything okay? Quite frankly, a lot of people think it's awkward to go for what they want and and not get it. And what I mean by go for what they want, that can be a job, it can be a person that they would like to date. Whatever it is, that is the way of life. You're going to desire things in your life and it's not going to work out. You don't need to feel guilty or awkward about it or make sure that everybody else is okay with the fact that you revealed something that you would like to happen in reality and it didn't come true. That is just part of life. So I hope that this, if you are in the friend zone, has inspired you to go out and and find a way out of it. It is completely in your control one way or another. Let us know in the comments. I'm really curious if you do go do this because I hope that no matter what happens, you will feel that self esteem raise and maybe there will even come a relationship out of it. So if you enjoyed this video, make sure to subscribe to our channel. I apologize for not having had more breakdowns on my end. I'm going to get back to those. But I've been working really, really hard on a new course on emotional mastery and I'm super excited for it. I think it's one of the coolest things that I've ever made. If you want to know more about it when it comes out in a week or two, join our email list. I'll make sure that there's a link somewhere around here and in the description to join our email list when we launch that course. Subscribe. Like I said, if you want more content and I will see you in the next video.