4 Negotiation Skills EVERYONE Should Know

Whether you realize it or not, negotiations are happening in your life all the time. And they have a profound effect both in your personal relationships as well as the working world. Which is why in this video I want to give you a four step system that you can use to maximize what you get out of any negotiation. But before you put this to use, we have to talk about where these negotiations are occurring, because it's not just promotions and salary bump conversations. So the first place that these are likely occurring, or they could be occurring is when an authority figure tells you that you can't. So for instance, my mom was planning to come visit me, she found out that her boss wouldn't let her, so she can't come. Maybe for you, this is a parent. Whoever it is, when you're hearing you can't from an authority figure, a bell should go off. That is an opportunity to negotiate. Similarly, if you find that you're in conflict with someone that you love, you don't want to be in conflict with them. Oftentimes we get into divvying up and arguing and who's wrong. This is an opportunity for a negotiation to create more for both sides. And generally speaking, the third area is whenever you feel like you don't have enough, you don't have enough time, you don't have enough money, there's no one to blame. Oftentimes there is someone who can help you if you go to them to negotiate. So in the back of your mind as I go through these four steps, pick a situation in your life that's been bothering you. You don't feel like you have enough, you can't, whatever it is, and keep that in the back of your mind as you apply these steps. So four steps. The acronym here is roles, five letters. Because the first step is real objective. That is to identify what your real objective is prior to entering into a negotiation. When we get heated, we dig into specific positions. So if there's a husband and a wife and they're arguing about where they're going to spend the holidays, he says his family, she says hers, they dig in, right? He's got to go to his family, she's got to go to hers. There's no common ground. But if they took the time to identify what the real objective is, it probably has to do more with the feeling. Maybe the husband just doesn't feel comfortable around her family, doesn't want to spend the holidays with the in laws, and maybe she feels like she's got a short vacation and, and she'd like to see her family for some of it. When you identify your real objective, you can already start to see that there's much more overlap between what two parties want than is always or sometimes available at the first blush. So for both yourself and for the person who you're anticipating speaking to, what are your real objectives? What are your real emotional objectives? And one that you definitely want to write down if you're doing this for the other person is that they want to be validated, they want to feel important. If you exclude that from the negotiation, you're probably going to have it blow up in your face. That's the first thing, real objectives. Second thing is to make a list of all of the ways most creative possible that you can get your objectives. So let's say you're the husband here, right? You don't want to see her family. Well, you could go anywhere, right? You could go anywhere in the world. You don't have to go to your family's house. You could go to Florida, you could take a different vacation, you guys could split up, you could go visit her family. But if there's just one member that you don't want to see, you could go to a different part of the party, a different room, whatever it is, get creative. How can you get your real objective and do the same thing for this person, Right? What's all the ways that they can get their real objective? You're going to be hypothesizing what their real objective is here when you're doing this list. But when you speak to them, you'll make this concrete. For now though, as you're thinking this through, circle the ones where you both can get what you want and they can get what they want. And there's some parallels there, right? These can work in the same universe. So that's the second step is you're going to list this. The third step is that you need to fall into in love, right? And what you need to fall in love with is your no deal option. A lot of people go into negotiations from a position of weakness. And that weakness is that they need to make a deal. They need that husband or that wife to come to their in laws house. So they're automatically on the back foot because they have to convince someone, a free and autonomous being, to do what they want. And that's where they get to threatening and manipulating. You didn't do this last time. You have to fall in love with the no deal and recognize that even in personal relationships that it's possible to spend a holiday apart, right? If you ask your boss for a promotion and you don't get it, you can always not get the promotion. You could work somewhere else. You could decide to work harder. Whatever it is, imagine a scenario where this person doesn't give you what you want, what is still within your control, and what can you do with that? So just to give you a concrete example, the best negotiation of my entire life was when I was leaving my job in consulting. And I wanted to get out of this particular job for a long time. And what I thought my objective was was to get a job in New York City, because I currently had one in Washington D.C. and as I was applying and applying for these jobs, I wasn't getting it. I felt like I couldn't. I was stuck. There wasn't enough time. All of the things that I said at first were in play. But as I dug into my real objectives, I realized what I wanted to do was not to get any one of these particular jobs. I wanted to live with my friend. And so when I wrote down all the things that could work, I said, well, one, my friend could move to Washington D.C. right? I didn't have to go to, to New York City. Secondly, I didn't necessarily have to have a job. I just wanted to live with him. And technically, if my real objective was to live with him, I could move there and then get a job. And when I started doing this, all of these possibilities open up. As I listed this, I could work remote. I could do all these things. And of course, I did that for the other person. But what I had to fall in love with was recognizing that, okay, what is in my control is if I leave this particular job, not if they agree to remote a work arrangement. Because when I'd gone through the two lists of things that could work for me, and I wrote down, okay, here's what it is, and things that might work for my current employer, remote work arrangement was in there, but they didn't have to give it to me. So really getting to the state where before I spoke to the president of the company, I sat down and went, okay, imagine if he says no. Can you fall in love with the prospect of just leaving this particular job to move to New York City, figuring it out on your own? And I did. I imagined how good it could be and how resourceful I'd have to be. And I came up with all these other things, opportunities to find other jobs and to earn money, so that when I did sat down with him or did sit down with him, I was doing so from a Position of honest power. If you don't fall in love with your no deal option, you do not have power in a negotiation. And believe it or not, when it's when you don't have power in negotiation that all these dirty tactics come out that you start manipulating, being dishonest and being underhanded. When you have genuine power and you don't need someone to move, you don't have to be dishonest. You don't have to manipulate them. You can just be completely transparent in the conversation. And that takes us to the fourth step, the S in roles, which is to speak this entire process out loud to the person. So when I sat down with the president of this company and I said, look, here's what I've been thinking about, I went through, okay, I realized something is not working. Real objective. It's not that there's anything wrong with this job. It's not that I want another job. It's that I want to live with my best friend, and he doesn't live in this city, and I'm not happy here. So I explained my real objective to him. I also said, I recognize that you guys probably. It would stink to lose a team member at this point, right? You guys wouldn't want to have to retrain someone. And I recognize that that would be a bummer. And I also, recognizing his other real objective to be appreciated, appreciate all of the training that you guys have done for me so far. Truly, it has been great. Okay, so that's. I spoke that entire first step to him. I said. Then I went to the list area. I said, okay, I've been thinking of ways that this could work out. I don't know if these are good for you, but, you know, I could move to New York City and work. I could just leave and maybe come back once to train a new hire. Whatever it is, I want to make this work for you because. And then I did the l. Whether or not we can sort of come to an agreement here, my heart is set on this. And if I have to, you know, I would just move to New York City without a job. So I spoke the entire process out to him, and when he heard that, and I was honest and transparent and I had his needs in mind because this process included his needs. And he came back to me and started solving my problems. And what he said was, well, look, we don't want a lot of people to follow in your footsteps and start leaving for remote work arrangements after one year of work. But what we could do is make you a Contractor. And as a contractor, you lose health benefits, you lose the ability to. We can't guarantee you employment past this project, but you'll continue to go on. And you could actually get more money working remote because contractors get paid more. And that is what wound up happening. I moved to New York City. I had a remote work arrangement for six months before the project ended, and I lost the job because I was a contractor. But the point is, by simply speaking this out to him, it got him on my side. He actually came up with the solution of contractor because I had been so transparent in my process. So that's the final step, is to speak this process and work with them. I want to give you three do nots while you're actually engaging in this negotiation process that people always do wrong. First one, do not bluff. A lot of time people come in from positions that aren't truly powerful. They're not happy with the no deal. And so what they do is they threaten that, you know what? Then I'll go to my parents. You go to your parents. And when they get that, they're upset about it and they're bitter about it, or they threaten, you know, if this doesn't work out, I'm going to have to leave the job. The boss says, okay, sorry to hear that. Now they're out of the job. So do not bluff. You want to rather take the time to fall in love with the no deal step. That's a bad thing to do if you do it the reverse way. The second thing that you never want to do is you never really want to screw the other person. I see this in negotiations. People are constantly thinking that there is a fixed pie and that the goal is to have this 100% pie and take 80% of it for yourself while leaving the other person with 20%. This is the wrong mentality. First off, if you do that, they're going to drag their feet in the execution phase. While I was researching this video, I spoke to people who were negotiating in relationships, and I heard a story from one person, rather it was through the grapevine about one person who negotiated that their boyfriend would come to a concert with them. And what happened was she negotiated, she got him to come, and he was so miserable and upset in this concert that she wished he wasn't there at all. So don't push people over a barrel. Get them to do what you want. If they're not happy with the deal, you're in trouble. And a better way to think about this pie where you're trying to get 80 and 20 is rather than dividing up a pie that has 100 units, go bake a new pie that has 150 units and then everybody can get more. That's the whole process of creating this list. And then the final thing is to recognize coming back to the no deal is that your relationship does not need to be contingent upon you agreeing and forming a deal all the time. Now this is particularly an issue in relationships, though it can be the case in the working world. When I left this job, I actually improved my relationship with the people there because I didn't make the relationship that we had contingent upon us agreeing in this particular area. If you're arguing about where you're going to get dinner or where you're going to go for any sort of vacation, the relationship that you have does not require you to agree all the time. And the more you can get used to having negotiations, coming to a no deal solution and not being mean, vindictive or manipulative about it, and just splitting up for a period of time, I tend to believe the stronger the relationship will be because you don't have to cajole, coerce and make two people behave as a single unit all the time. So that is an overview, hopefully a helpful one, of how to negotiate. Now obviously all of this is going to be much more useful if the other person likes you. If you've got rapport, it's going to count for a lot more. So if you're interested in learning about how to create rapport, you may be interested in our course Charisma University Charisma University is a step by step guided program that is guaranteed to give you more charisma and confidence in 30 days. And it's structured with a daily action guide so you don't have to guess. When it comes to learning these habits you to have you follow the guide and you get the results. 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So if you'd like to check the course out, go ahead, click the link on screen now or below in the description. We have had thousands of members go through this course and get a ton out of it. I'd love for you to do the same. Either way. I hope you enjoyed this video and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.